Xena: Warrior Princess s06e20 Episode Script

Ok, hand it over.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why don't we just destroy it? You can't.
It's a binding agreement in every sense of the word.
Ares made it.
Only Ares can destroy it.
Our best bet is to hide it someplace he isn't likely to find it.
The Ionian Sea is famous for having caverns that go for miles.
That's a lot of ground for him to cover.
Come on.
Ok.
Wait a minute.
If we can't destroy it, maybe we can disguise it.
The old scroll-within-a-scroll routine.
I buy that.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Our treasure-hunting days have finally paid off.
Someone's gonna pay top dollar for this baby.
CENTRE FOR HISTORICAL ACCURACY, KEY RESEARCH IN ANCIENT MYTHOLOGY Excuse me? If everyone would get settled in, we will begin the press conference.
Please, take your seats, everybody.
Please, sit down.
Thank you.
Take your seats.
Thank you very much.
You can sit down now.
Thank you.
Thank you all for coming! We have a lot to cover, so I'll turn you over to Dr.
Frederick Delaney of C.
H.
A.
K.
R.
A.
M.
laboratories.
Good afternoon, colleagues and members of the press.
It is with great excitement that I address you this afternoon.
A most revolutionary discovery has recently been made.
I hold in my hand, a newly uncovered scroll of the life of Xena, Warrior Princess.
New scrolls means new epidoses! Yeah! Season 7! Yeah! Season 7! Season 7! Rob Tapert, give us what we want! Deliver a new season! A 7th season of Xena! Get off of me! Please excuse that interruption, ladies and gentlemen.
Please continue, Dr.
.
This scroll reveals a new piece to Xena's life.
Xena was married to Ares, god of war.
Doug, we got tomorrow's front page.
In the time of ancient gods, warlords and kings a land in turmoil cried out for a hero.
She was Xena.
A mighty princess forged in the heat of battle.
The power The passion The danger Her courage will change the world.
XENA, THE WARRIOR PRINCESS Barb Binder, from Whoosh.
As webmaster of the official Xena fansite I happen to know Xena would never subscribe to the subjugating regime of marriage.
And wasn't Ares her most reviled enemy? We'll field all questions and comments after Dr.
Delaney is finished.
Now, please, let him continue.
The scroll includes a contract between Xena and Ares, with an accompanying story which supports our theory that it is indeed a marriage license between the two.
Now, the timeframe of the story places it after Gabrielle and her evil daughter Hope seemingly perish after falling into a lava pit.
Hope! Gabrielle! Xena! As we saw in the scroll entitled "Adventures In The Sin Trade II", upon looking for Gabrielle in the amazon land of the dead, Xena received a vision from her enemy, Alti, which convinced Xena that Gabrielle was still alive.
Gabrielle You're the best thing in my life.
I love you, Xena.
This new scroll accounts for the missing time between Xena receiving the vision and her finally finding Gabrielle.
Our story begins as Xena rides away from the amazon land of the dead with new hope that Gabrielle is still alive.
Joxer, still in the throes of mourning over the loss of Gabrielle, taken to drink.
Oh, hi! Turn that frown upside down, mister, it's a beautiful morning! Well, Xena, in case you didn't notice, I'm in a different kind of mourning.
How many have you had? Just two.
All right, it's time for you to sober up.
You don't want Gabrielle seeing you this way.
She's alive.
-How do you know? -I had a vision.
Oh You had a vision She had a vision! You know, Xena The nile ain't just a river in Europe.
-The Nile's in Africa.
-It's that long? -Joxer! -She's gone! Nobody can survive that fall.
All right.
If you wanna sit here and drink yourself into oblivion, be my guest.
But I'm going out to find our friend! You big drunk.
Hey, I'm not drunk! If I were drunk could I do -that? -Evidently.
If I were drunk, could I do this? In Athens fair city, the girls are so pretty.
Just like Molly Polonius.
Watch your step.
I'm Joxer, the Mighty I roam through the countryside With Gaby as his sidekick, fighting with her little stick She ain't got no little stick no more! Pardon me? Pardon me.
Annie Day, editor-in-chief of the "Joxer, the Mighty" quaterly.
Yes, Miss Day? Well, as one of the world's top experts in Joxer, the Mighty studies, I think that I can throw some light on this new scroll thing.
Hey That's that broad who discovered she was Joxer in a previous life? I have a point of clarification.
All right Well, I'm afraid that your version of events is, in fact, spurious.
From my research, I have ascertained that it was indeed Joxer, who initiated the heroic search for Gabrielle and it was indeed he, it was he who pulled Xena out of the drunken stupor.
No, that's inaccurate, Miss Day.
From my research on all the Xena scrolls I can assure you that Joxer never once flexed a heroic muscle.
Now, please sit down, Miss Day.
Thank you.
At this time, we'll take a short break and reconvene in a few moments.
You'll find coffee in the lobby.
Hey Hey! How did you get over the horror of finding out you were that bumbling idiot, Joxer? Hey, Joxer was no fool.
The guy they got to play him was a goofball, that's all.
He was the producer's brother, for crying out loud! At least you got to hang out with Xena and Gaby in a past life.
We can't lay claim to anything that cool.
Hey, speaking of the Warrior Princess and the bard what happened when your boyfriend Harry found out he was Xena in his past life? And that your past-life counselor was none other than his beloved sidekick Gabrielle? They got hitched.
Decent! Xena and Gaby finally a couple.
Wait till we tell the rest of the fans.
But I read his scrolls! See? I decided to carry on Gabrielle's legacy.
I'm the bard now.
Go on, read it.
"As the innocent Gabrielle plummeted to her fiery doom, Joxer, the ultimate warrior, watched in horror his muscles bulging one after ano" "and the light played on his steely, sunkissed buttocks"? -Pretty good, huh? -Gabrielle, where are ya now? She's gone.
And where are we goin', anyway? Back to the temple where she disappeared.
Maybe we can pick up her trail from there.
Oh That's a great idea! Hey Maybe she left some breadcrumbs for us to follow.
Joxer, Gabrielle is alive! And you're gonna help me find her, whether you like it or not! Now, stay here.
I'm gonna hit the ladies'.
Hey, why don't you hit some kids, too? Gabrielle, we're not doin' so good without you.
But I'm gonna keep looking till I find you, I promise.
What's happening? Nothing that concerns you.
Oh, you'd be surprised.
Picked up a little something on Gabrielle.
-You're spying on me now? -No, no, I I'm just worried you're still holding out "(H)hope" Guess that was a poor choice of words! What do you want? You don't seriously think you're gonna find anything in the lava pit, do you? -Why should you care? -Oh, I care.
Trust me.
Ares, you are as much to blame as Hope for Gabrielle falling into that pit! Now, let's not go pointing fingers.
Besides, you might be on to something.
Gabrielle still alive? It's possible.
But you're gonna need the help of a friendly god.
-I don't need you.
-Oh, admit it.
With my powers I can cover a thousand times the ground you can alone.
If Gabrielle is out there somewhere, I'm your best bet for a speedy reunion.
Why the sudden helping hand? Well Over the years we've caused each other a lot of grief and I think that's because I couldn't express my true feelings.
What are you driving at? Will you marry me? Come on Don't leave me hangin'.
Will you be my wife? How's this for an answer? So you're saying you need more time, right? No.
Oh, so no, you don't need more time.
I despise you! You've been tormenting me for years! That was just foreplay.
Oh, that'll leave a mark! Xena I'm on the level here.
I can't get ya outta my head or my heart.
Let me help you with that.
You know The harder you fight, the more enflamed my passion becomes.
What do I have to do to show you I'm serious? Die.
Well, sadly I'm a god.
I know! A wedding gift.
Say Gabrielle.
So she is alive.
Well, I won't know till I start looking.
And I'm not gonna start looking till I have a good reason.
Come on, Xena.
Becoming Mrs.
god of war is a small price to pay to find her.
You might even enjoy it! In fact I know you will.
You give me one reason to trust you.
Well, that is true.
I do have a repuatation as something of a trickster.
I'll tell you what.
Just to show you I'm serious, I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I'll marry you in front of the Fates.
What's the big deal with the Fates? A marriage in front of the Fates makes the bond eternal and unbreakable.
So that's good how? To betray your spouse is to betray yourself.
Ares couldn't harm me or anyone else I care about without harming himself.
But I don't get it.
What's he up to? Takin' advantage of your deranged state, obviously.
No, I have complete control of my faculties.
I'm takin' you to a grief oracle.
I'll give you grief.
You know, at least Ares is prepared to admit that Gabrielle is alive which is more than I can say for you.
Are you seriously considering marrying Ares? I will to whatever it takes to get Gabrielle back.
Yes.
Xena Xena Is somebody there? It's me Gabrielle.
Gabrielle How could Gabrielle have shown up? That defies the logic of the following scrolls.
Yeah.
Xena and Gaby don't meet up until "A Family Affair".
What kind of Brooklyn Bridge are you tryin' to sell us today? Where were we? Oh, yes.
Yes, yes.
Xena heard Gabrielle whisper to her -Xena -Gabrielle Where are you, Gabrielle? I'm in your heart, where you must keep me.
And don't bother looking for me because I can't be found.
I'm gone.
Just like in that one scroll that I wrote that time with the when I fought that guy with the big stick and Just a minute, Xena.
And if Joxer wants a drink Idiot.
-Nice driving, dear.
-Thanks, pumpkin.
That was the most fabulous vacation since our honeymoon.
And I thought that nothing could top that.
Wasn't it fascinating how being in Greece brought back our lives as Xena and Gabrielle? Yeah, except I shouldn't'a had those two goat-cheese milkshakes.
Is my little Warrior Princess' tummy still bothering him? Home at last! Trash Junk Some men cata There's a letter here from C.
H.
A.
K.
R.
A.
M.
.
What's it say? It's a conference.
Blah, blah, blah.
They found a new scroll in the Ionian Sea.
Something about a radical interpretation.
It's today! The conference is today.
If that scroll is what I think it is the world could be in a lot of trouble.
Come on, pumpkin.
Let's go! Ares? Ares, I have your answer.
You certaninly took your sweet time.
I was weighing up the pros and cons.
It wasn't a very balanced list.
The truth is, I just don't think we'd look right together -on top of a wedding cake.
-Just as long as you look right -on top of me.
-Don't get ahead of yourself.
Xena, come on.
What's it gonna be? Ares, I would do anything to get my friend back.
So, yes.
I'll marry you.
What say we skip right to the honeymoon? Wouldn't wanna ruin your appetite.
You won't regret this.
I promise you, Xena.
So, I guess we should discuss China.
What do you want? The north? The south? I'm easy.
I don't want your assets, Ares.
But I do have one small demand for our wedding day.
Name it.
I want the ceremony to take place at the lava pit.
Where Gabrielle died? Kind of morbid, don't you think? No, I think it's fitting.
I should be as close as possible to the one person in the world I meant to spend the rest of my life with as I give myself over to the one person in the world I would never choose.
I know what this is.
Prewedding jitters.
All brides get 'em.
Ok.
You can have your fairy-tale wedding, Xena.
Well, I gotta go break it to the folks.
Can you imagine? Zeus and Hera are gonna be your in-laws.
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse.
Ares, show yourself! Ares, I, Joxer, the Mighty, command you to show yourself! Hey, jelly-butt, get down here! So tell me why I shouldn't kill you.
Did I say "jelly-butt"? I meant "buns of steel".
It's a good thing you showed up, too.
Showed up? For what? Well This is your last night as a single guy, right? What? Your bachelor party, ya big lug! Miss Athens! She loves greek mythology, kids and hopes one day all men can be brothers.
Next we have Miss Mesopotamia! Ah, an oasis in the desert.
Wouldn't you like to take a little dip in that? And finally, you'll fall for Miss Gaul! Too much for the Roman Empire to handle but not too much for the god 'o war.
This is it? Well, on short notice You know how it is.
Blow.
Scray! You honestly thought that you'd con me out of marrying Xena with this fistful of harlots? You know what? I got a prenup to sign.
Wait! There's more.
Savin' the best for last! Got a sweet tooth? You like baklava? Here's three more layers of pure delight.
Bite into this delicacy and it may bite back.
And that's a good thing.
Who's my little bubba? My little bubba? Who's my little bubba? Ka-chookie, chookie, chookie, chookie! Give me an "A"! Give me an "R"! Give me an "S"! Give me an "E"! Whaddya got? God Ares! Meg! Joxer! Who's Meg? It's a friend.
-A very good friend.
-Yeah.
I'm outta here.
No! Ya know what? I'm cookin' in here.
I need som'in' to wet my whistle.
-Try that.
-Thanks.
Hey What's with this whole cake thing? Well, I needed a way to earn a few extra dinars.
-What do you think? -Banana cream.
My favorite.
You know A "classy" lady like you shouldn't be here.
I'm gonna take you away from all this.
You are? Yeah.
Well, what happened to your other good friend Gabrielle? Oh, her? Haven't you heard? She's dead.
I'll drink to that.
Can't you see I'm grieving here? Well, sorry, babycakes, but dead is dead.
Can't change that.
No but I can try.
Hey, wait a minute! These cherries cost Of course, we at C.
H.
A.
K.
R.
A.
M.
were immediately concerned about the authenticity.
We weren't interested in promoting a hoax like the Hitler diaries or the fan fiction which pretends to be based on legitimate scrolls.
We consulted the world's foremost experts Annie We thought you might be here.
Harry And Harry's ho'.
What are you doing at the press conference? I'd like to see some credentials, please.
Look, Annie I know you're still a little upset about what happened between us but you've gotta listen to me or we could all be in serious danger.
What are you talking about? I know enough about what happens in that scroll to know how it turns out.
Well, don't ruin it for me.
I hate it when people blab the spoilers.
Annie, you don't understand.
There's a very real possibility that Ares might show up here.
Ares? You mean, god of war Ares? None other.
And if my instincts are correct he's bound to make an appearance.
It's It's Joxer.
Are you decent? I don't know about that.
Come in anyway.
Wow! You look really beautiful.
Despite the bleakness of the situation, I mean.
Look, Xena, is there nothing I can say to make you not marry Ares? I don't know what else to do, Joxer.
Look, you don't have to stay for the ceremony.
You won't be letting me down.
If you're gonna go through with this, you must really believe Gabrielle's alive, huh? I do.
Yes! Ok, then so do I.
Won't need this anymore.
I'm sorry I was such a downer.
I guess we all deal with loss in our own way.
Look, I know this is a marriage made in Hades but I figure we don't have to abandon every tradition.
So here.
Something old.
It's a lock of Gabrielle's hair.
It's weird, I know.
I got it when she got her hair cut last time and I want you to have it.
I don't know what to say.
And something new.
I picked it this morning.
First bloom of the season.
Something borrowed.
Something borrowed My lucky rabbit's foot.
I'm sure it will bring you more luck than the rabbit, I chopped it off from.
I guess we need something blue now, huh? That's easy.
That's me.
Everything's going to be fine, Joxer.
I promise.
You are absolutely breathtaking.
Yeah? Then how come you're still breathing? We have been called here today to witness the union of this god, Ares, and this mortal woman, Xena.
The union which Ares and Xena are about to enter into shall be eternal and unbreakable by gods or mortals.
Any breach of their vows will result in anguish for both.
In the name of Zeus, do you, Ares, god of war, take this mortal woman, Xena, for your eternal partner? Yes.
Yes, I do.
And in the name of our mother, goddess Hera, do you, Xena of Amphipolis, take Ares, god of war, for your eternal partner? I do not.
That's a promise I just couldn't keep.
You tell him, Xena! Xena, you're running the wrong way! Well, this is embarrassing.
Deal's off, Ares.
Let her go.
Gabrielle! Xena! Gab I'm coming, Gabrielle.
Don't tempt the Fates, Xena.
The honeymoon is over, Ares! Xena? No! No! Now you've taken away both my best friends! My only The only people I know! Right.
Get cold feet? More like I got an idea One that paid off.
You know, it always bothered me that you didn't intervene to save Hope.
She was carrying your baby, after all.
Then you showed up acting all interested in my search for Gabrielle and I knew you had to have something to do with it.
I'd just have to play along with your little game to expose the truth.
So, what exactly did you uncover, Xena? You saved me from the fall, Ares.
There's no way you didn't do the same thing for Hope.
A wedding in front of the Fates.
That was a nice touch.
That way, you could prevent me from finding Hope and killing her.
But you didn't just save Hope, did you? You saved Gabrielle as well.
Yes.
You thought she'd make a good bargaining chip knowing that she was the only thing in the world that could induce me to make a deal with you.
That is some detective work.
And you were close, real close, but not quite.
See, Gabrielle made a deal with me.
In exchange for saving Hope's life she offered me her soul.
Yeah, you're right.
It is quite a bargaining chip.
Unless we cut a new deal, so, I have Gabrielle's soul.
What could you possibly have that I would exchange for that? You want my soul That could work.
I let Gabrielle live but you must be my wife in your next life.
And I guess, seeing as how it was one of those in-front-of-the-Fates kind of deals that would be forever.
Eternity.
And you would let Gabrielle and me live out this life in peace.
Ok.
Sounds like a deal.
'Cause you know She'd do it for you.
Thumbprint right here on the bottom line.
Thank you.
That didn't hurt, did it? And there it is.
My free-access pass to your soul.
And as long as I have this you're pretty much mine.
Wait! The other half of the deal.
I don't see Gabrielle.
Oh, I let her go.
But you gotta find her.
I can't do everything for ya.
I'll find her.
Just out of curiosity What would 'a happened here today if I'd really been asking for your hand in marriage, no strings attached? Guess you'll never know.
Call me? Xena made off with the contract.
She hid it inside another scroll, the one I've been reading from, the one that was authored by Joxer, and hid it at the bottom of the Ionian Sea to prevent Ares from claiming her as his bride in an afterlife.
Here.
As we know, Gabrielle and Xena were reunited in Poteidaia.
Gabrielle? I'm so sorry And I am happy to say that Ares never did locate the scroll.
We got to it first! First, second, what does it matter? It's mine now.
Did you schedule any celebrity appearances? Well, we contacted Bruce Campbell, but he was too much money.
Harry was right! Matching the thumbprint on the contract is all Ares needs to claim Xena as his own.
Where the hell is Harry? Dear, God! Not again! Come on.
Hold on, man.
Sidekick and the comic relief This oughtta be good.
I don't appreciate being called the sidekick.
Don't blame me.
Listen, Mr.
Harbinger of Doom We're not gonna let you get away with this.
Ok.
Hey, there May I? Thank you.
Leave quickly.
Help! Help me! Hold it right there, Ares.
Xena! Just in time.
I have been waiting an eternity for this.
I guess this makes me your Good guy! soul man.
Once I renew my signature.
Over my dead spirit.
Harry? Harry Xena? Xena's soul in that body for an eternity? This I did not bargain for.
I want Xena's soul in Xena's body.
All right! Everybody gets their proper souls back.
Let's try that again.
Now that I can live with forever.
Hey, sugar.
Oh, no, you're not taking this body.
This one works much better.
To the moon, Xena! Hey, I was just wondering, Gabrielle What's it like to have the person who gave up her life for you just lose hers forever? You would strike a man from behind? Workin' out the bugs.
Oh, baby Is that any way to treat an old flame? It's time this flame was extinguished.
"Sun-kissed buttock" You love it, right? Yeah.
Oh, no.
I'm stuck! Come on! Come on, Ares! Hey What's wrong with the special effects? Yeah, they're really cheesy.
Stay right there.
Unfreakin' believable! Ares made it.
Ares destroyed it.
Guess this means you ain't got no soul.
You might 'a won the battle, Xena But I'll win the war.
Until next time, Xena.
Oh, you think there's gonna be one? Joxer Joxer Joxer Come on.
Are you all right? Fine, fine.
It's just my head.
Xena? No matter how hard Ares has tried, he has never been able to break us up.
And he never will, I promise.
Yeah, because What do you say we call it a day? -All right.
-Sounds good.
You know, I liked ya better blonde, but I can go with this.
Thanks.
Hey, anything I gotta know about this new body of mine? Yeah.
Don't stray too far from the bathroom.
Dear God! What did you eat?! Out of the way!