Hogan's Heroes (1965) s06e21 Episode Script

( theme song playing ) ( planes droning ) HOGAN: Krauts have hit one of them.
He's bailing out! Chute at about three o'clock from here.
That's in the woods, Colonel.
All right, let's go.
( gunfire ) HOGAN: Hold your fire! Kommen Zie aus! Hands up-- mach schnell! Oh, his German's bloody awful.
We'd better do it his way-- let's go.
All right, come on, get out of there, all you guys! With your hands up! Now stop right there.
All right, who are you? ( yells in German ) We're from the insurance company.
Put the cannon away, buddy.
Holy cow, it's a general sir! Colonel Robert Hogan.
Ah Al Sharp.
Tiny bugger, ain't he? He doesn't look that small to me.
Are you all right, General? Oh, a little shook up back there.
Lousy place to land.
What outfit are you? We're a sabotage and intelligence unit.
We work out of a P.
O.
W.
camp about five miles over the hill.
P.
O.
W.
camp? Ha! I don't believe it.
We're going to have to hide you there-- Baker, LeBeau, take care of the parachute, huh? Oui, colonel.
Carter? Carter Take the lead.
Yes, sir.
General, if you'll follow me, sir.
Okay, son.
That's the smallest general I ever saw.
Maybe we ought to throw him back.
( violin playing "Liebestraum" horribly ) ( playing "Liebestraum" horribly ) Oh, how lovely, Wilhelm.
Oh, such feeling! Danke, my dear Karen, danke.
Beautiful, Herr Kommandant, beau-ti-ful.
Herr Kommandant, may I applaud? Oh, carry on! Danke.
Fräulien.
Danke.
Herr Kommandant.
Danke, Schultz.
Danke, Schultz! You make such beautiful music, Wilhelm.
Ah-ha-ha, we make beautiful music.
When I'm with you, my heart becomes a violin.
That's very poetic.
Yes, I think so.
( gasps ) Oh, I'm terribly sorry! Oh, don't give it another thought.
Accidents will happen in wartime.
Wait, you can have Schultz dry it for you.
That's very thoughtful of you.
I'll be back in one moment.
( door closes ) I slipped into something a little more comfortable.
Was I gone long? An eternity.
Shall we have music? I would love that! But, oh, it is late.
It is never too late for lovemaking.
I must remember that.
Oh, Schultz, I must have forgotten my gloves.
Would you get them for me? Jawohl, Fräulien Richter.
How'd it go? Oh, that violin I thought I'd scream.
It's Klink's version of the Chinese water torture.
Anything interesting? Yeah, there was a set of plans.
He's going to move the guard towers back from the perimeter wire about 100 feet into the woods.
When? Oh, they start work immediately.
Oh, murder-- we got a one-star general to get out of here.
He moves those guard towers, he's going to block our tunnel exit.
Nice work, Karen.
We'll call you for the next violin recital.
Oh, don't bother.
Bitte, Fräulien.
Danke.
HOGAN: We were just getting used to the guard towers where they are.
KLINK: Aha! That is one of the reasons I want them moved.
It will ruin any escape plans you may have.
You're wrong, sir-- they'll just become a bigger challenge.
Hogan, I invited you outside this wire only as a courtesy.
I'm not interested in your opinion.
Ah, you better think it over, sir.
I'm not going to think it over.
Believe me, I have many more pressing problems than this.
General Burkhalter is coming here on an inspection tour.
He's bringing his sister, Fräu Linkmeier.
The Abominable Snow Woman, again? I know What is this remarkable fascination I have for women? Why do they want me? Why, Hogan? Oh I don't know.
Could be your brains, your charm, your wit, your military bearing.
Yes.
Could be-- I doubt it.
Dis missed, Hogan! If only she doesn't throw her arms around me! Be brave, Herr Kommandant.
Guten Tag, Klink.
Welcome, Fräu Linkmeier.
It's a pleasure to see you again.
Danke.
I would like you to meet my fiancé.
Major Wolfgang Karp, this is Colonel Wilhelm Klink, Commandant.
Herr Kommandant.
Major Karp, any fiancé of Gertrude's is a fiancé of mine-- I mean, a friend of mine.
To the Führer! ALL: To the Führer! Ja, ja.
Well, what do you think of these two, Klink? All the world loves a lover.
I realize this may be difficult for you, Colonel.
Gertrude has told me you two were friends.
Well, that's the way it goes.
One can't win them all.
I have a feeling Klink will recover.
I cannot tell you how relieved Pleased pleased I am.
Thank you, Wilhelm.
We will announce our engagement in a day or two.
Right, Wolfgang? Right.
You know, General Burkhalter, I have just had what I consider an absolutely brilliant idea.
That's hard to believe.
Allow me the honor of giving the happy couple their engagement party.
Klink! Fabelhaft! That's very generous, Colonel.
Oh, it's nothing, nothing at all.
Yes it is, when it comes out of the camp budget.
We accept, Albert with pleasure.
Ja, danke.
We will have the visitors' quarters decorated.
One of our prisoners is an excellent chef.
All right, it's settled.
Gertrude, I have some private business to discuss with Klink.
Why don't you take Wolfgang on a little tour of the stalag? Ja.
Klink.
You know, that Wolfgang is a very lucky fellow.
So am I.
At last she has a man I think.
Well, he seemed very pleasant.
Of course, he's not the type of officer that I have a great deal in common with, but You will have something in common.
We will? Major Wolfgang Karp is going to be your new adjutant.
He's going to be my new General, you can't be serious.
Yes, I am.
It was Gertrude's idea.
That Kraut, adjutant? Yes, that Kraut.
Hogan Sorry, sir, I was carried away.
I wish I could be.
There's got to be something you can do about it, Commandant.
It was dear Fräu Linkmeier's idea.
Well, in that case don't fight it, you'll lose.
On top of that, I've got an engagement party to worry about.
Hogan, could you and your men help? Ah, we can't turn you down.
We've been enemies for such a long time.
Thank you, Hogan.
I am touched by your attitude.
Yes, sir.
Don't come to attention, I'm just passing through.
Wasn't even considering it.
You can come out now, General.
I never thought I'd ever have to hide from the enemy.
What's the situation, Hogan? We may be able to get you out of here in a few days.
A few days? That won't do, mister.
Yes, sir.
Those boys of mine back at the base are waiting for me.
Now, let's not hold up the war! The Krauts have a new adjutant.
It'll be a little while before they relax security.
I'd show them how to relax security if I were running this shebang.
I'm going below decks.
Come on, open up! Excusez-moi, mon général, wrong bunk.
Let go, Frenchie, I can handle this.
Hogan, I want out of here.
Now, get on the stick or else.
Yes, sir.
And here is a very special friend of mine, Fräulein Richter-- Colonel Hogan, senior P.
O.
W.
officer.
Fräulein.
Guten haben, Colonel.
Very nice party, even if I say so myself.
I thought you might.
Oh, excuse me-- Schultz is drowning in the punch bowl again.
Is there a chance that he might play the violin? When you joined the underground, you knew you were risking torture.
Colonel Hogan! Oh, here's the happy couple now.
I think it is time you met the new adjutant.
This is Colonel Hogan, senior prisoner of war officer.
Major, congratulations.
Ja, danke.
You've met Fräulein Richter? Ja, we have had the pleasure.
Wolfgang, I would like you to entertain the fräulein.
I would like to speak to Colonel Hogan.
Ja, Gertrude.
Not too much entertainment, right, Wolfgang? Right.
Hogan, I want to ask you something.
Is Klink upset by Wolfgang being made the adjutant? He is taking Russian lessons.
It is possible that Wolfgang might take Klink's job someday.
Really? When? When I say so.
Yeah, Klink is worried about his plan to move the guard towers.
Ja? Why should he worry? He's afraid some smart officer like Wolfgang might find out how expensive a job it is.
Oh, ja? I had no idea.
And tell the general.
Ja, Albert doesn't like it when the Luft Stalags spend money.
I don't think Wolfgang should mention it to your brother.
Ja, but it would be very good for Wolfgang's career.
You must think of Klink.
Oh, by all means.
Moving the guard towers is not necessary? Oh, there's never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
Ja, so Klink has told me and told me and told me.
So the position of the towers really has nothing to do with it.
( both chuckle ) I understand.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Ladies and gentlemen, let me now introduce to you one of the great military minds of the Third Reich, our very own General Burkhalter! ( applause ) Danke, Kommandant.
This is a very happy occasion for me, meine Damen und Herren, but I am not going to make a speech.
( chuckles ) The general is so thoughtful.
Now, I have the honor to announce the engagement of my sister Gertrude Linkmeier to Major Wolfgang Karp.
( applause ) We are all very grateful for your good wishes, and I know we will be very happy, right, Wolfgang? Right.
HOGAN: Well, they're moving the stuff.
It worked, Colonel.
First break we've had.
Good old Gertrude.
Baker, contact London, arrange for a pickup at any time.
They can have their general back.
Right, Colonel.
Yeah, the sooner, the better.
He's ready to court-martial the lot of us.
Carter, LeBeau, use the emergency tunnel.
Take him out tonight.
The underground can take him from there.
Yes, sir.
If the weather doesn't go bad, they can probably send a plane for him tomorrow night.
And if we're socked in, I'll carry him to London on piggyback.
Let's go.
Raus, everybody! Raus, raus, raus, raus, raus! What's happening, Schultz? Herr Kommandant has an important announcement to make.
About what? I know ALL (chiming in): Nothing! Jolly jokers! SCHULTZ: Herr Kommandant, all present and accounted for.
KLINK: Thank you, Schultz.
Gentlemen, I have an announcement.
After consultation with our new adjutant, Major Karp, I have decided not to move the guard towers at this time.
( men cheering ) Quiet! Quiet! However, there is a need for tighter security, so I have made another decision.
Again, after consultation with Major Karp and others, there will be a guard in every barracks at Stalag 13 on 24-hour duty.
You can't do that! ( men complaining ) Commandant, that's a violation of the Geneva Prisoner of War Convention.
Hogan, the Geneva Convention says nothing about it, but thank you for bringing it to my attention.
The new security system will begin today at 1600 hours with the changing of the guard.
That's all.
Dismissed! It's bloody well illegal, that's what it is.
They can't do this! HOGAN: They've done it.
CARTER: Boy, that's pretty low.
All right, file your complaint with the Better Business Bureau.
What about moving the general, sir? That guard takes over at 4:00-- that closes the tunnels.
He'll be down there alone.
That gives us two hours.
LeBeau, get enough food and water in the tunnel for at least two or three days.
Wait.
What do I tell the general? We'll get him out as soon as we can.
He's liable to shoot me! If he doesn't like it here, he can find himself another P.
O.
W.
camp.
Why don't you tell him? Because I'm a colonel and I'm scared.
If this 24-hour guard sticks, we're out of business.
Sir, you said the new adjutant would be easy.
It's Fräu Linkmeier's idea.
Obviously, she's going to try to run this camp.
Oh, that'll be lovely, that will.
The only way we can get rid of her is by destroying Wolfgang.
We get rid of him, we get rid of her.
Well, that's a shame-- he's innocent.
Well, so are we.
Well, almost.
MAN: That's not soup, it's stew, you CARTER: I thought it tasted like stew.
You want some more? Just a little bit, right there.
That's good.
Thank you.
Want some more, Newkirk? NEWKIRK: No thanks, mate.
CARTER: Mmm, this is great stew.
Is this rabbit or bear? Thank you.
LeBeau, how many times must I tell you? Never feed a Kraut at the table.
Why do you object to the new guard system, Colonel? It doesn't make sense and it's degrading.
You are prisoners of war.
Yes, I noticed that, too.
I still think the guard tower should be moved.
Wolfgang is against it and so am I.
I'm still the commandant here! And General Burkhalter is also against it.
He didn't say anything about it to me.
He will, soon as Fräu Linkmeier tells him what to say.
Hogan! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry.
Can't seem to keep you two straight.
Hogan! ( with German accent ): Hello? Fräulein Richter! ( with American accent ): One moment, please.
Hello, Karen.
This is your friend out at Winter Wonderland.
We need your help.
Right-- now listen.
Remember the slob you talked to at the party? No, not Klink.
The other slob.
That's the one.
Now, here's what I want you to do Paté ( groans with desire ) Fillet de sole almondine, poulet rôti avec haricots verts ( groans louder ) and for dessert, fraise des bois avec crème fraîche.
( gasps ) A nice lunch, nice.
Thank you.
Ah bring me a little wine.
Champagne.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
At once! ( knocking on door ) Kommen Sie.
Fräulein Richter.
What a nice surprise.
Come in.
Wolfgang.
It's so good just to look at you.
I'm afraid Colonel Klink isn't here.
I came to see you.
Oh, really? Ja.
Is anything wrong, Fräulein? Everything is wrong.
I didn't sleep at all last night.
What a shame.
Wolfgang.
I think I'm falling in love with you.
In love with me? Ja.
Really? Well Well Uh, danke, Sergeant.
I won't need you this afternoon.
( Schultz clicks heels ) I understand.
Don't you feel anything for me? You are a very attractive woman.
Well, at least that is something.
But I am engaged to Fräu Linkmeier.
Do you love her? No, but I hate the Russian front.
However, there's no reason we can't be friends very discreetly, of course.
( sighs happily ) I don't care, as long as I can see you.
KARP: There will be two for lunch.
Oui, I know.
And my Wolfgang says that attempted escapes are expensive.
Huh! Your Wolfgang has become quite an expert.
I know how to economize.
From now on, you manage our escape plans.
That way, we cut out the middleman.
( knock on door ) Come in! Reporting for duty, Herr Kommandant! Schultz, I assigned you to work with Major Karp.
I was, Herr Kommandant, until Fräulein Richter arrived.
Then the major told me he does not need me in the afternoon.
Well, what is this all about? She is alone with him?! Ja, gnädige Frau.
We will find out right away what's going on.
Wait a minute, hold it, hold it.
I'm sure it's all perfectly innocent.
Two people alone in the afternoon with a bottle of champagne doesn't mean anything.
That's my girl.
That's my fiancé! Excuse me, mon colonel-- Hey, LeBeau I quit! First he orders lunch for one, then he orders lunch for two.
Then he dismisses me before I even get a chance to serve the dessert! I realize Fräulein Richter is beautiful, but food is food! Perfectly innocent, huh? If only we had met sooner.
Ja it's a pity.
And if only you had a brother with higher rank than Burkhalter.
RICHTER: Wolfgang? KARP: Uh-huh? I really must be going.
Would you get my coat, please? Oh, but why? Well, you said we were to be discreet.
Ah, yes, of course, you're right.
You're right.
Ah.
Danke, my darling.
I will call you tomorrow.
Ja, we will make arrangements to meet.
Oh, shh.
I can hardly wait.
Every minute will be an hour.
Wiedersehen, my lovely Karen.
RICHTER: Wiedersehen, Liebchen.
"Auf Wiedersehen, Liebchen?" Wolfgang, what have you been doing? Karen! Oh, hello, Wilhelm! Wiedersehen! Karen! Wolfgang, you have lipstick on your cheek! I have? And on your sweater.
That stuff's tough to get off.
How could you? How could you?! Gertrude, how could I what? Albert.
Where are you, Albert? Gertrude! ( screaming ): Albert! Albert! That miserable, rotten, two-faced gigolo.
Burkhalter will see to it that he's on the It is terrible.
I never thought Karen would do anything like that.
Ah, don't worry, Commandant, you'll find another girl.
Next time, find somebody more mature, less flighty, more reliable.
They're hard to find.
Well, how about Fräu Linkmeier? Hogan, I could have you shot for that.
Shot on what charge? Threatening a German officer.
BAKER: Colonel.
We just got a word from the underground.
Courier plane picked up the general at 2300 hours.
Good.
He should be in England by now.
And good luck to him.
And us.
( chuckles ) What she needs right now is consolation, Klink.
I understand, sir.
And you are the man to help her over this difficult time.
Me?! I can hardly console myself! I have arranged for a nice, quiet table for the two of you at the Hauserhof tonight.
Be kind to her.
She respects you.
( shouting ): That's an order! Hey, hitting the sauce a little early, Commandant.
He expects me to console her, take her out tonight.
So you get loaded on brandy? In a minute, you'll be seeing double.
Who cares? You want to spend the evening looking at two Fräu Linkmeiers?