Hot In Cleveland s06e21 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
One month from today, I'm getting married in Paris.
Why are you telling us things we already know? Because I love saying it so much.
And it distracts me from my little procedure today.
Joy's getting her sixth toe removed.
It's not a toe.
It's a small nub of cartilage with a half-nail.
I'm gonna miss Joy's stumpy little claw.
It helped me lose weight for the Oscars.
Oh, just thinking about it killed my appetite.
Well, say good-bye.
I need my feet to look perfect for my dress fitting this Friday.
Now, hand me that nail polish.
Just because it's being chopped off doesn't mean it can't be pretty.
Oh, I'm so happy for Joy and Bob.
I just can't stand the idea of her moving out.
It's funny.
I spent five years wishing Joy would be gone.
And now you're sad? No, I'm just telling what I've been doing.
Well, I'm sad she's going.
I am gonna miss her like crazy.
Me too.
This house is gonna seem so empty without her.
I know.
Victoria, we can't do this.
I mean, come on.
I mean, when my daughter went off to college, I was so sad, I made everybody ten times more miserable.
We have got to show Joy that we're gonna be okay without her.
Brave faces from everybody.
Yeah, you're right.
We just need to tamp down our feelings, and it'll be good for us too.
No, I don't like dwelling on sad things.
That's why I got divorced so many times.
Hey, you.
You ready to go to the doctor's office? No, I want to wait until my mother gets here.
And fair warning; she's gonna be even meaner than usual.
Her boyfriend Daniel just broke up with her.
So you sent Bob to the airport to deal with her? Well, it was either him or me, and I didn't want to do it.
Hello, everyone.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hello.
Joy, I was telling Philipa I'm not just gaining a wife, but a beautiful mother-in-law as well.
Oh, you.
Well, Rejoyla, your future husband is not what I was expecting.
He's not drunk or in prison.
Philipa, why don't I take your bags to your room so you can freshen up? Oh, what a gentleman.
Oh, Joy doesn't deserve you.
Wouldn't it have been easier for your mom to just join us in Paris for the wedding? Yes, but my mother's never been easy.
So you must get it from your dad.
I am sorry, Joy.
There is nothing worse than a parent showing up unannounced.
Hello, ladies.
Daddy.
What are you doing here? Don't you mean, who is he doing here? Wait wait a minute.
You mean to say that you and Elka have been and you didn't think to mention this? We were doing some unmentionable things.
Oh, God.
I've also been seducing Elka with my culinary skills.
Anyone else for Eggs a la Alex? No, thanks.
Just the thought of you and Elka has replaced Joy's extra toe as my appetite suppressant.
Then, my darling, we shall just feast alone.
- Mwah.
- Oh, I can't wait.
I've gotta dump your dad.
Doctor said she'd be up and on her feet by the end of the day.
Oh, so she won't need all these painkillers, right? I may need some to deal with my father.
Has Elka gotten around to breaking up with him yet? Well, she was going to.
But then she tasted his sweet-and-sour meatballs.
Oh, can you believe our sweet little Joy is moving on? Oh, we have had some good times together.
It is gonna be so sad walking past this empty room.
No, Victoria.
We swore that we would tamp down our sadness for Joy's sake.
No, you're right.
We just have to act as if we're happy that she's leaving us.
Oh, hey, you.
Are you awake? What are you talking about? Oh, nothing.
We were just talking about how excited we are that you're getting married.
Yes, and how exciting it's gonna be to have an extra room in the house.
Good point, Victoria.
Ooh! What shall we do with this room? Well, we have talked about starting an extra shoe room.
That's a great idea.
Yes.
See, Joy, great news for everybody.
Ah.
There's our little patient.
So how are you feeling? Good.
Where have you two been? I took your mom to the import store so she could buy you some Marmite.
Marmite? It's a healthful yeast by-product.
Rejoyla loves it.
No, I don't really like it.
You don't know what you like.
Why are you still in bed? Well, the procedure was just a few hours ago.
The doctor said she should rest.
Oh, rubbish.
When I got rid of my sixth toe, I simply wrapped a rubber band around it until it fell off like a lamb's tail.
I may never eat.
Why don't we give Joy and Bob a few minutes alone? Thank you for taking care of my mother.
I enjoy her.
My Canadian politeness is the perfect foil for her British imperiousness.
We British aren't imperious.
And I'm too Canadian to disagree.
Well, my advice to you is to compliment her and feed her gin, and everything should go well.
Oh, I'm so happy I have you to deal with her.
Well, then why do you look so sad? Melanie and Victoria don't seem too upset that I'm moving out.
In fact, they seem excited to be taking over my room.
Well, that's good, Joy.
The last thing you want is for people to be sad.
I suppose you're right.
In fact, move in with me right now.
Rip the Band-Aid off fast.
You know, when I moved out of my parents' place, I did it swiftly so there would be no hard feelings.
You were 34.
Alex, we need to talk.
One moment.
I'm gonna check on my baby backs.
Are those hickory-smoked? You know your ribs.
Of course, it takes a great rack to know one.
Now, what did you want to tell me? Oh, it can wait.
Is it such a burden for Joy to wear the Scroggs family veil? Yes, it smells of camphor and lacerates the skin.
But marriage isn't meant to smell nice or feel good.
Important words to hear on the verge of my wedding.
Thank you.
It's so nice to feel appreciated.
I think perhaps what I'm really upset about is that Joy hasn't apologized to me yet.
For what? That she's getting married in France.
And? She knows perfectly well that Daniel, my ex, broke up with me in a French restaurant.
Well, let me apologize for both of us and for Daniel.
I'm ashamed of my sex, knowing there's a man out there who gave up such a gorgeous woman.
Oh, Bob.
Something so charming about a man apologizing.
They say when you're with a woman, you should look at her mother if you want to know what lies ahead.
And when I look at you, I see my future in your eyes.
And I like what I see.
You are a flatterer.
Oh, it's not flattery if it's true.
Hey, why don't I get us another round of these gin martinis? Oh, you've got an eyelash there.
Let me get that.
So, Daddy, about you and Elka.
Oh, she's a real tomato.
And speaking of tomatoes, I was thinking of preparing my special three-day chili for her.
Three days? That's sounds like a pretty big commitment.
How long does a sandwich take? Victoria, I was hoping to speak with oh, hello.
Hello.
Alex Chase: Victoria's father, Elka's lover.
Philipa Scroggs: Joy's mother and recipient of too much information.
Nothing sweeter than the musical lilt of an English accent.
Would you like to join us for dinner? I've got some ribs warming in the oven.
No, thank you.
I prefer my meat the English way, with the color boiled out of it.
Ah.
Ladies, excuse me.
Oh, I feel terrible.
Oh, don't worry about Daddy.
He takes everything as a compliment.
It's a Chase family trait.
No, not him.
There's something weighing on my heart, and I need to tell someone.
Oh, of course, Philipa.
What is it? I think I'm in love Bob.
You're in love with Bob, your daughter's fiancé? Oh, it's so wrong.
I just can't help myself.
All right.
I won't tell anyone about this and neither should you.
You just have to tamp down your feelings.
And you can hide them by being extra nice to Joy.
"Be extra nice to Joy.
" Uh-hmm.
It's odd on the tongue.
Yes, I do owe her that much.
Oh, why is so hard to be a mother? I used to ask my children's nannies the same thing.
What's this? What's going on? Bob packed up my stuff.
I decided to move in with him early.
What? I mean, that's great news.
We just thought that you weren't gonna do that until after the wedding.
I wasn't, but why drag it out, right? So I'll leave, and you can get started on turning my room into your shoe room.
That's true.
We can get started right away on the shoe room.
Yes, let's get started on the shoe room.
And what a lovely shoe room this will be.
She's gone.
You can stop saying "shoe room.
" Although, congratulations to us.
That was some pretty good tamping down of our feelings.
Speaking of tamping down, I'm tamping down the urge to tell you something I promised I wouldn't tell anyone.
Victoria, we've been friends for over 30 years.
We both know how this ends.
All right, I'll tell you.
Philipa has fallen in love with Bob.
What? Oh, my God.
How long have you been tamping that down? Look, now, she's not gonna act on this.
And the most important thing is that Joy never finds out.
We have to make this the happiest time of her life.
Even though she doesn't seem to care about our feelings very much.
I know.
It's like she cut off her sixth toe, and now she can't stop walking away.
Maybe that toe was where her heart was.
Oh, Rejoyla, a day's bed rest has done you the world of good.
You look two to three years younger.
Thank you, Mother.
Here, let me take that box for you, darling, put it in the car.
You rest.
Oh, and by the way, if you don't want to wear the family veil, that's quite all right.
Bob, you're amazing.
Well, I guess somebody heard I did eight push-ups at the gym today.
No.
I'm talking about my mother.
She's never been so sweet.
Whatever you're doing, keep it up.
In fact, double down and do more.
Don't you worry, Joy.
Tell your mother to tighten her suspenders.
I'm about to charm her pants off.
You complete me.
Really? Sorry.
I was talking to the ribs.
Fair enough.
Look, Alex, this isn't gonna work.
I knew it.
It was inevitable, I suppose.
But it was a wild ride, you and me.
Me hanging onto to bronc, waiting for that bell to ring.
And my lasso, she could only keep you tied up so long.
Elka? Elka? Oh, sorry.
Meat coma.
Well, an actor knows when it's time to make a solitary exit.
I'll never find another woman like you, Elka.
That's true.
On the other hand, what do you think of Philipa? Oh, my God, Bob.
I haven't moved out my stuff, and they've already turned it into their shoe room.
They're not sad I'm leaving at all.
Maybe they're just jealous that you're marrying me.
Oh, Bob.
That's what I love about you.
You always make me laugh.
Right.
So how's it going with my mum? She's not here yet.
Well, find out how long she's staying.
If it's gonna be more than a week, see if you can entice her into going to a hotel.
I'll do my best.
Oh, here she is.
Wish me luck.
Philipa, a vision as always.
Thank you for joining me for lunch.
I won't be staying long.
Well, then I will cherish the moments that we do have together.
In fact, I was wondering, how much more time will we have you here in Cleveland? Till the wedding, of course.
No.
Only four more brief weeks? Well, then I'm gonna suggest something old and unconventional.
How would you feel about checking into a hotel? Really? A hotel? I think it might make everything easier.
What do you think? Are you saying what I think you're saying? I'm saying I want to see you in the best hotel room in town.
Room service, champagne, whatever your heart desires.
What about Joy? Oh, she'll be a little sad at first.
But I'm sure she'll come around to accepting it.
More than anything, she wants you to be happy, as do I.
Oh.
This is all so overwhelming.
I felt foolish having feelings for you.
Feelings? Now I know that you share those feelings, I'm over the moon.
But It will be difficult dealing with Rejoyla.
But let's not worry about that now.
Oh, Bob, you make me feel so alive.
I'm going to pick up something disgraceful at Victoria's Secret.
Joy, do you need any help in there? No, no.
I can do it myself.
By herself.
Well, I guess she doesn't need us at all anymore.
No, no.
Tamp, tamp.
We can feel those feelings but we can't say them.
I'm ready.
Aww.
Oh.
Oh.
You look beautiful.
I hate you.
What? I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You didn't hold it in at all! And I hate you too.
Why? Because you're leaving us, and you don't care.
I don't care? You're the ones who don't care.
You couldn't wait for me to go to make more room for your shoes.
I hate both of you.
But we only acted like that because you were acting like you couldn't care less.
I was tamping down my feelings for your sake.
We were tamping down our feelings for your sake.
We don't hate you.
We love you.
And you look so beautiful in your dress.
I love you too.
Oh, there's your phone.
It's your phone.
Get it.
Oh, it's my mother.
"On my way over.
Have something awkward to discuss.
" Oh, my God.
That's British for "I'm about to ruin your life.
" Wait, what if she's sick? I can't stand her, but I don't want something bad to happen to her.
She's in love with Bob.
I'll kill the bitch.
Rejoyla, prepare yourself.
I'm going to make a scene.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, you look stunning.
You're the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.
Thank you.
That's a very sweet thing to say.
But I believe you came here to tell me something.
Yes, I did.
But looking at you now, I realize what I wanted to say is I'm a silly old fool.
What are you talking about? Oh, I've been in a bad place ever since Daniel broke up with me.
I've been lonely and vulnerable, and it's led me to some very peculiar behavior.
Joy, are you in there? Bob, you can't come in here.
You can't see the dress.
I'll cover my eyes.
Joy, I need to talk to you before your mother gets here.
Hello, Bob.
Ah! Joy, what did she say to you? I didn't say anything to her.
But I want to say something to you, Bob.
You shouldn't love any woman but Joy.
She's strong and brave, and you're lucky to marry her.
And if you say or do anything to hurt her, I'll rip off your head and spit down the hole.
I love Joy.
I'll never do anything to hurt her.
See that you don't.
Good-bye, Bob.
So, Joy, how much do you know? I know that my mother fell in love with you because I made you be extra nice to her.
And nobody can resist your charms when you're turning them on.
Well, that was easy.
I didn't think I'd get out of here without a bunch of yelling.
Ah, there it is.
I am so glad you decided not to move out until after the wedding.
Me too.
Now, we can do this the right in slow, painful stages.
Yeah, I'm really gonna miss coming in here and just sitting with you.
This room does have a lot of memories.
Especially that bed.
That's why I'm not sitting on it.
And we have decided to keep your room just as it is.
You can come back and visit anytime.
Thank you for a lovely visit, Rejoyla.
I'm returning to London now, but I shall see you in Paris on the big day.
You're leaving so soon? Can I at least give you a lift to the airport? She has one.
Daddy, that is so sweet.
Philipa has promised to give me a culinary tour to Britain.
That should only take an hour.
That means there's plenty of time for How should I put this? Sex.
Let's go before I change my mind.
- Bye, love.
- Bye-bye.
He's boorish, and uncouth, and I just might do him on the plane.
Well, I guess that worked out.
So my mum is gonna sleep with your dad.
Well, come to think of it, he also slept with my mom.
- And me.
- Yeah.
And Joy and I both slept with Bob.
And you and I both slept with Captain Lebeau from the ship.
And Melanie and I both slept with Kyle, the guy who left me at the altar.
And we both slept with Mitch.
And we all slept with Sinatra.
Oh, wait, it was just me.