M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e21 Episode Script

So it'll be an even horse trade.
The 8063 will send over their chest cutter and a nurse to observe our methods while you two sniff around their ballpark for a week.
Pierce, are you listening to me? - I'm all ears, Colonel.
- You're all eyes, Captain.
- That's 'cause you're all there, Lieutenant.
- Down, Rover, and listen up.
Now, the C.
O.
Of the 8063 is a guy I served with in Europe.
His name's Wheatley, and he's a stickler for regulations, especially hair length.
- We used to call him "Old Whitewalls.
" - I'll pin my hair under my hat.
- Better cut those sideburns.
- I know these temporary switcheroos are a royal pain in the saddle blanket.
Why don't we just stay home tonight? You slip into something comfortable.
I'll jump in after.
I'd love to, Pierce, but in the long run, this program will be a big help to all the MASHs.
It's just that with new people coming in, you never know what to expect.
- Well, do you know who they're sending? - I don't know about the nurse but the surgeon is a guy named Dupree.
- He's supposed to be a whiz with the knife.
- Yeah, but can he mambo like me? All right.
Just soak in as much information as you can while you're there.
- We'll be fine.
- Oh, we'll be fine.
- There's a jeep waiting outside.
- I thought we were going by Pullman car.
Pierce, good luck, and watch out for Colonel Wheatley.
Bigelow, good luck, and watch out for Captain Pierce.
- [B.
J.
.]
A little to the left, dear.
- If I move it to the left it will not be pointing toward Boston.
What difference does it make? Nobody's going to Boston anyway.
Just knowing where it is is a great comfort to me.
I'd like to go to Boston and visit all those historic sites.
You know: Concord, Bunker Hill, the Red Sox.
[Chuckling.]
Oh! Sometimes you say the most amusing things even if you don't realize it.
Why, Charles, we are in a jovial mood today, aren't we? Our jovial mood is directly due to the fact that your partner in perversion left this camp exactly 57 minutes ago.
That gives me 167 hours and three minutes without the displeasure of Pierce's company.
- The very prospect of it makes me ecstatic with anticipation.
- [Vehicle Approaching.]
Yeehaw! - Gesundheit.
- End of the line, little lady.
- You bet it is, partner.
- [B.
J.
.]
Howdy there, cowboy.
[Strong Southern Accent.]
Howdy.
The name's Dupree, Roy Dupree, from the 8063.
- See? It sort of rhymes.
[Chuckles.]
- We've been expecting you.
Hunnicutt's my name.
Call me B.
J.
This is Corporal O'Reilly, our company clerk.
- Yeah.
You can call me Radar.
Sorry.
I don't rhyme.
- [Woman Clears Throat.]
Oh.
Well, tie me to a anthill and smear my ears with jam.
Where are my manners? J.
B.
, Radar, I want y'all to meet the prettiest little filly to ever suture a belly wound: Captain Lo-rain Anderson.
Sometimes it's pronounced Lorraine.
Sometimes mine's pronounced "B.
J.
" - [Roy.]
How you do there, big fella? - I do very well, thank you.
- Charles Emerson Winchester at your service.
- How do you do? - I'm Captain Anderson.
- Lorraine.
Yes, I heard.
No.
Permit me.
- Where should I bring the captain's bags, sir? - Put 'em in the Swamp, Radar.
- Roy'll bunk with us.
How 'bout some coffee? - Thank you kindly, J.
J.
- Oh, where would I find Margaret Houlihan? - Do you know the major? [Chuckles.]
She and I go back longer than either of us care to admit.
- Looking at you, that still can't be very far.
- Well thank you.
You'll find Major Houlihan in the lab.
It's over there.
- Surprise! - Ow! You idiot! Lorraine! I can't believe it! - It's been so long! Fort Benning.
- What are you doing here? - Three years! - Three years.
Let me look at you.
Let me look.
- Oh, my gosh.
Look how thin you are! - Bad food and hard work.
- I thought you were in Hawaii.
- I guess they figured I'd had enough of paradise.
- I've been with the 8063rd for a month.
- Oh, my God! - This is so terrific! - Ah.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
- What? What? - It's closed up.
- What? - The earlobe.
- Let me see.
Let me see.
- You remember when we got our ears pierced? Two 15-year-old army brats piercing their ears.
Melted down my father's medals to make earrings.
- Was he furious! - Can you blame him? His best days in the army dangling from our earlobes? - So, how've you been? You happy? - Ohh.
- You're married? - Yeah.
- Well, how is it? - Not so good.
- Ohh.
Well, tell me about it.
- Donald is gorgeous, brilliant, and he's gonna be a general.
We could have so much together, but he's in Tokyo.
And it's very hard to squeeze a marriage through a tiny little telephone wire.
- Hey, this war isn't gonna last forever.
- It already has.
Ah.
Listen.
The terrible twins are together again.
- Now, here's the plan.
[Clears Throat.]
- Uh-oh.
- We re-pierce our ears - I knew it.
- And go find your colonel and melt down all his medals! - [Both Laughing.]
Ooh-whoo! Well, strap my face to the side of a pig and roll me in the mud.
If this ain't the dandiest "de-core.
" We call it junkyard provincial.
We had the Bowery Boys in to decorate.
I'm gonna fit in here real fine.
Well, I see Hoot Gibson has taken up residence.
Charles, you're just in time for a drink to celebrate the arrival of our new Swamp rat.
- Hip-hip.
- Hey there, Chuckwagon.
We never did meet proper-like.
- Roy Dupree from the 8063.
See? - Yes, I know.
It rhymes.
I Dupree, I heard.
Let me be brutally candid.
I find your sense of humor mawkish and your personality boorish, to say the least.
I appreciate your opinion, good buddy, but it don't change my mind.
I still like ya.
Good Lord.
He means it.
- Gentlemen, how 'bout a toast? - That's a good idea.
Uh, here's to the three of us.
We're gonna have more fun than a mosquito in a blood bank! The cruelties of war continue to amaze me.
Why don't you boys put some whiskey in this punch? You were a fire-eater before you were a doctor.
Shoot.
Down home, my mama'd sprinkle this stuff on her ironing board.
Here.
Have mine.
Where did you get your medical degree, Dupree? - Yes, I know.
It rhymes.
- University of Arkansas, '44.
Soueee, pig! Gee, I'll bet you were top bumpkin in your class.
I love the way this boy tugs at my leg.
Lot of bulldog in you.
I bet you went to Yale.
Harvard! Harvard.
Here.
Try this on your ironing board.
Why don't you ask me to do something hard? Where'd you boys get this iced tea, anyway? Right over there in the still of the night.
Well, Lord, would you look at that! Now, that reminds me of home.
Your design's all right, but your engineering's all wrong.
Looky here, B.
G.
You got your coil wound too tight here.
No wonder this stuff's got the kick of a 90-year-old chorus girl.
- Careful, Roy.
That coil might break.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, B.
G.
- "J.
" - Let me fix it for ya, J.
G.
Boors of a feather should bunk together, I always say.
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Choppers arriving.
Incoming wounded.
- All medical teams to O.
R.
- Hot damn! It rains here too, don't it? - Come on, boys.
Let's go to work.
- [B.
J.
.]
Roy, do us a favor.
Don't try to straighten out any colons.
- This old boy's all right.
Get him to post-op.
- [Potter.]
More suction here.
- I can't see.
- [B.
J.
.]
Need any help? [Roy.]
Let me.
I got a free hand here.
The price is right.
I'll take it.
Partial hepatectomy.
Caught enough shrapnel to make chopped liver.
- That ain't where all the blood's comin' from.
- No.
There's an arterial bleeder under the liver, but I can't get both hands in to tie it off.
You got any 3.
0 silk? - You just watch this, Colonel.
- This is no time to practice up on slipknots, Captain.
I'm gonna lasso that sucker and tie him off neater than a runaway calf at brandin' time.
- Retractor.
- I gotta get under there.
- That's it.
Suction.
Clamp, clamp.
- Ride 'em, cowboy, cowboy.
I cannot wait for his last roundup.
Gotta hand it to you, Dupree.
You know your beeswax.
You're just what the doctor ordered.
You see, Captain? Severe kidney damage.
But we found if we can save the lower pole, he should have fairly normal function.
- You do marvelous work.
- Yeah.
I just love playing doctor.
While you're playing, Hunnicutt, do explain to her that the ureter is the key.
If that is not salvageable, you can write off the entire kidney.
- He seems very sure of himself.
- Oh, yes.
- I like that.
- Captain Anderson, I'm about to save this boy's leg with a very delicate arterial transplant.
- Care to be fascinated? - I'd love to.
Excuse me.
Scalpel.
It's time to give up the theater.
They're starting to walk out on me.
No, no, no, my dear.
You-You come closer.
Good.
All right.
Hold the clamp exactly like that.
And now, in the center ring, Major Charles Emerson Winchester and his performing ego.
- Very skillful, Doctor.
- And you're very observant, Captain.
- What are you doing after the operation? - What did you have in mind? Well, I thought we'd avoid the Mess Tent and have dinner together.
I'm sure I can scrape up potluck from my larder if, of course you don't mind having red wine with the squab.
- You're unbelievable.
- That's right.
Hey, you two.
No hand-holding in the abdominal cavity.
Yes, and can we please keep the conversation on a professional level? - That'd be a first.
- Come on.
We always talk professional.
"Clamp.
" "Sponge.
" "Shower cap.
" "Rubber duck.
" I just love the way y'all josh around.
Damn.
This is more fun than skinny-dippin' in a creek with the Pittman sisters.
Captain Dupree, there are ladies present.
- And accounted for? - Not since last year.
- Oh? - [Both Chuckle.]
Excuse me, but this is an operating room and not the back of a school bus.
Come on.
We were just making conversation, Margaret.
It's "Major," Captain.
You're distracting the doctor.
Not at all.
The doctor's doing very well, Margaret.
Captain Anderson, if you don't mind, I'd like to speak with you after this session.
- Come off it, Major.
We were just - After the session.
Ooh-whee! I do love women with spunk! - What was all that about? - That's what I was gonna ask you.
- Are you telling me I did something wrong in there? - Surgery is not a sexual sandbox.
What are you saying? That's the way it always is in there.
- Flirting is just a way of killing time.
- Listen, Lorraine.
I'm head nurse, and I'm here to see that nothing gets killed, including time.
All right, Major.
Just a minute, Lorraine.
You've changed a little, you know? Hey, spitfire, you sure kicked up a lot of dust in there.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
But I do love a woman with spunk.
Why don't you go sit on a steer's horn? Well, maybe not that much spunk.
So, we're sitting at Gilhooly's having our 10th nightcap and holding off two persistent interns.
Well, suddenly Margaret realizes we have a microbiology exam in three hours.
We knew we were in big trouble, but we raced home and made up crib notes and stuffed them in our bra.
- I'm sorry, Father.
- That's all right.
I'm glad Hawkeye isn't here.
He'd do 20 minutes on that.
- Well, the exam had 500 questions.
- That's 250 answers per bra.
- Don't you dare say, "Sorry, Father.
" - You can guess how many times we asked to be excused from the classroom.
- Lorraine, must you go into every detail? - Come now, Margaret.
Everyone has a little scarlet in their past.
Go on, Lorraine.
Well, finally, the instructor got wise, and she wouldn't let us leave anymore.
But by that time, we had to go for real.
I never wrote so fast in all my life.
And you should've seen Margaret hopping around on one foot.
Really? Margaret? Where did you find this girl? She's just delightful.
I'm glad you like her.
- What's wrong with her? - I thought maybe you'd know.
Sorry, Tex.
All out of beef jerky today.
Come on.
You've been laughin' at me since you got here.
Cut it out.
- People are starting to talk.
- Well, you look so darn ridiculous in that getup.
Ridiculous? The pearls too much? Look, cowboy, call me "wacko," "eight ball," "loco," and even "crazy" but don't laugh at my Bonwit Teller.
I can't help it.
You're so funny lookin'.
Oh, yeah? Well, take a few shingles of that and that.
I wanna hear you laugh after this.
Next! Mind if I join y'all? Here.
Take our seats.
We were just leaving.
Weren't we, my dear? You will excuse me, gentlemen.
I have to be around him all the time.
Well, you certainly must like bad food, son.
Are you kiddin'? This is A-1 prime chow.
Now, if you wanna choke on your cud, try eatin' over at the 8063.
Boy, that is bad.
- I guess Hawkeye must be just eatin' his heart out.
- Hey, B.
B.
Now, I was thinkin'.
We could put up some hides and a couple of shrunken heads I got and that old Swamp'd take shape, you'll see.
Roy, you got a real flair, but you're only gonna be around here for a couple days.
Hey, now.
Just stay up in the saddle there a sec.
I like it fine around here, and I intend to ask the colonel to let me stay on permanent.
- Permanent, as in forever? - Yeah.
We'll have a big ol' time.
Partyin' every night.
And when I party, I party hearty.
Well, you know, Roy, we kind of like our peace and quiet around here too.
Oh, I get it.
Father, now, you ought to ease up on these boys.
- Hey, Roy - Hold it, B.
B.
"Padree," like the next man, I believe in a little religion but I also believe in a lot of good, clean, dirty fun.
I'll forgive you for what you just said, but then, I'm in the forgiving business.
- Hey, Father.
I - Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Roy, why don't you give your mouth a day of rest? - I didn't mean nothin' by that.
- [Mulcahy.]
Colonel.
- Hey! Colonel Potter! - [Mulcahy.]
Colonel.
- Hey! Colonel Potter! - Excuse me, B.
B.
- B.
J.
B.
J.
- Colonel Potter, sir.
- You hooted, Captain? Uh, yes, sir.
You know, I was thinkin' that the 4077's just about the friendliest MASH unit I ever seen.
I mean, good chow, good working conditions and the nurses, they're something special.
You headed somewhere with this or just grazin'? Well, sir, I was just wonderin' if you could use another hired hand around here.
- You mean a permanent transfer? - It'd make me happier than a cow with a bellyful of calf.
Well, why not? I like your style, and we can always use another chest cutter.
- I'll see what I can do.
- Thank you, sir.
Thank you kindly.
Yeehaw! I found myself a home.
Can you imagine what it's gonna be like if Potter arranges that transfer? - It'll be like living in a prairie purgatory.
- ##[Roy Singing.]
## [Singing Continues.]
- Sounds like our boy has discovered Rosie's bar.
- Hey! How's my old Swamp buddies? Ah, how you doin' there, B.
J.
? Ha.
Fooled ya, didn't I? Hey, how come you can't have a name like everybody else? Now, you take ol' Chuckwagon here.
Come on, Slop-along.
Time for you to drawl into bed.
[Roy Groans.]
Hey, I used to ride my daddy's ponies like this back home.
- Oh, did you, now? - Get along, horsie! Likes horses, does he? Hunnicutt, is it your turn to take Sophie for a walk or mine? - Sophie? - Mm.
[Imitates Hoofbeats.]
[Neigh-like.]
R-i-i-ight.
Right.
- I think it's mine.
- Darn.
Hey.
Who's Sophie? What's she look like? Oh, about 6'8", hairy legs, longest nose you've ever seen.
You mean that guy in the dress? Not Klinger.
No.
This is the company horse.
You boys got a horse here in the compound? Sort of the camp mascot.
Do you ride? Why, I was ridin' bareback before I could even speak.
Hey, what do you say? Can l Can I ride her? - It's all right with me.
What do you think, Charles? - Well, all right.
- But just this once.
- Hey, let me at her! - The stable's right behind the motor pool.
- Gotcha! Right behind the motor pool! Yahoo! Did he fall for that! - Not as hard as Potter's gonna fall on him.
- Oh, Charles, you're beautiful.
- Where'd you learn to be so sneaky and underhanded? - From you and Pierce.
- It's the sole area in which both of you excel.
- You're too kind.
- After you.
- As it should be.
I thought you'd be happier in the Nurses' Tent.
Oh, yeah? Kind of you.
Perhaps I would be.
I wanna know one thing before I go.
What happened to your ears? - What? - You used to have pierced ears.
Now they're closed over.
You're all closed over.
There's not an open spot anywhere on you.
What happened to you? Do you mean, why don't I act childish and undignified and silly? - Why don't you have fun? - I'm not here to have fun! I'm head nurse.
I've got responsibilities.
Damn it! A lot of people depend on me! Do you know how hard that is to live up to? Margaret, do you hear yourself? You sound like one of those rigid, sour, old nurses we used to make fun of.
All right.
I've said enough.
I'll go.
Wait a minute.
I'd like to tell you something.
When you first got here, it was like looking at a picture of us in a family album.
I loved you.
And then later, I hated you.
For God's sakes.
Why? Because you're still as free and open as we both were then, and I'm not.
No, you're not.
What happened? No, you're not.
What happened? I don't know.
One night, I was at a party drinking and dancing and the next morning, I was in a war in charge of 10 nurses, and the party was over.
I was afraid if I didn't get tough, they'd get soft.
You mean, you were just plain afraid.
Maybe I was.
I guess so, yes.
Margaret, you can't let this happen to you.
You can't let "Major Houlihan" take over your whole life.
That khaki's got to come off at night.
I don't know any other way anymore.
It's been too long.
Why don't you just try letting your hair down with your friends now and then? I don't have any friends here.
What about your husband? Isn't he a friend? A friend? He's barely a husband.
You know what I was thinking the other night? That he's more like a toy soldier I play with sometime.
The worst of it is there's nobody I can tell that to.
Sure there is.
You have a whole camp of people out there if you'll just let them in.
- It isn't that easy.
- Margaret, you make it difficult.
You try so hard to be perfect, you make it impossible for anyone to please you.
Why don't you ease up a little, let people know you're human? Let 'em know what I've always known what a a warm, caring person you really are.
Yeehaw! Come on, Sophie! - Ride 'em, cowboy! - Get along, little doggie! Get along! Come on! Get up, girl! Whoo! Giddyap! Giddyap, Sophie! Me and you! Come on! Giddyap! - What the hell's goin' on out here? - Ride 'em, cowboy! - What's that idiot doin' on my Sophie? - Taking a moonlight ride.
- Dupree! - That's me! Ha! - Come on, Sophie! - Dismount that animal immediately.
That's an order.
[All Laughing.]
Good girl, Sophie.
I'm sorry.
This wasn't my idea.
Rough and ready to go again, Colonel! Load her up in the chute! Dupree, I don't ever wanna see you around this horse or my camp again.
In fact, this war ain't big enough for the two of us.
Come on, Soph.
You can step on his hat if you want to.
- Hey, Roy, ol' partner.
- Oh Did I do something wrong? - No.
Not at all.
- You were perfect.
Oh, well, this is it.
Ahh.
- I love you, you know? - I know.
How was I supposed to know it was the colonel's horse? - It's a gol-durn shame, ain't it? - Colonel said you'd better be out of town by sundown.
My head's the size of a blue-ribbon hog.
Lorraine, here.
Let me carry your luggage for you.
Why, thank you.
Always a gentleman.
I've been saving an old bottle of Beaujolais for a special occasion.
Perhaps we could share it to wish you a bon voyage? Charles, I'd love to, but, uh, somebody has to drive this thing.
- I've enjoyed our time together.
- So have I.
You are certainly one of a kind.
Yes.
I Thank you.
I ha Thank you.
- Have a safe trip.
- Don't worry about me.
With Roy along, it's the Chinese that are in trouble.
Ready to ride, Paul Revere? You want me to drive? Mmm, no.
You just watch out for redcoats.
- Good-bye, everybody.
- [Charles.]
Good-bye.
- See you soon, Margaret.
- Yeah, you bet.
Yahoo! It's through! Rhymes.
- Where you going? - Who are you talking to? Well, the two of you.
Where are you going? Oh, I don't know.
I've got a letter from Peg I've only read twice.
I was going in the Swamp and revel in the quiet.
How 'bout a cup of coffee in the Mess Tent? I'm buying.
- Sure, Margaret.
Sounds fine.
- Good.
- I thought maybe we could talk.
- Talk? - Yeah.
Just talk.
- Sure.
Talk.
- Right, Charles? - Right.
Talk.
Thanks.
I knew it.
Turn my back for a week, and the help is into the cooking sherry.
- Welcome back, stranger.
- Pierce, do sit down.
- Regale us with tales of your adventures of the 8063rd.
- Yeah.
How'd it go? - They hated me.
- Huh.
Really? Doctors, nurses, everybody.
Kept telling me I was dull.
They said you guys got the better deal.
- The guy was fantastic.
- Hated to see him go.
- Oh, yeah? - No offense.
- No, no, no, no.
- We're kind of sorry you're back.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
Thanks a lot.
Pierce, I never thought the day would come when I would admit this but God, I missed you!