Northern Exposure s06e21 Episode Script

Uh-oh.
You go on.
You get out of here.
Scat.
Your mother's gonna come looking for you.
Go on! You get out of here! Scat! Go on.
Like hell.
Morning, Dr.
Capra.
Ed.
What's going on? Oh, I was out walking around yesterday and I found him all by himself at the base of Coffee Pot Mountain.
Yeah? I thought maybe you could give him something to help him sleep.
Help him sleep? Yeah.
He kept me awake half the night gnawing on all the furniture.
Maybe a sedative or something? Ed, I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian.
Oh, well, maybe you can just keep him then.
What? Oh, please, Dr.
Capra, I don't want anything more to do with him.
I just can't deal with an infant.
He's scaring me.
Oh, come on, Ed, he's harmless.
He's completely helpless.
Right.
And that's why, Dr.
Capra, he's gonna come to depend on me.
I don't know the first thing about babies.
Well, Ed, why didn't you just leave him where you found him in the first place? I couldn't.
That's family obligation, you know.
Family obligation? Well, see, I'm bear clan.
So, well, it makes him kind of a relative.
Yeah.
Well, you plucked this creature from the wild, now I'm afraid it's your responsibility.
Try a baby bottle with some warm milk at first.
Warm milk? Yeah, I mean, I'm clearly no authority here, but I seem to remember reading about some classic experiments in surrogate parenthood.
The more you can convince this little bear that you're its mom, the more likely it'll feed.
Its mom.
There's gonna be a lot of single-parent families in Fishville tonight.
Yes.
I can't wait to fry these up.
You know, I love catching 'em.
I just hate cleaning 'em, but you're good at that.
Evisceration's one of my specialties.
Hey, you remember that sauvignon blanc we had? Well, this is their chardonnay.
Do you realize this is the fourth week in a row we've gone night-fishing? Four weeks? Mmm-hmm.
I really look forward to Fridays.
Oh.
You know what? I'm not even that hungry right now.
I hope I'm not getting a cold or something.
Really? No, you don't feel hot.
No? No.
Hmm.
Maybe I should go.
Oh, we don't have to eat.
We could put the fish in the freezer.
We could just sit around, have some wine around the fire.
You know what, I should I should I gotta go.
I wanted to get up early tomorrow anyway and I got a big day.
I got a satellite feed coming in.
I gotta log that and Well, it's only 8:00.
I know, but you know what else? I told Maurice I'd go over to the station tomorrow and shake down some inventory.
It's really It's a big day.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll call you tomorrow then.
You've got some nerve, Maurice Minnifield.
You got something you wanna say? Flagrantly mowing down that sign.
And you can't deny it because Walt Kupfer is an eyewitness.
I'm not trying to deny anything.
It was a surgical strike.
It was what was needed.
I mean, I suppose you're responsible for those figures.
Well, of course, I'm responsible.
You know I update the population every two years.
Mmm-hmm.
You ought to be thanking me for destroying that negative publicity.
Listen, we've got to talk, Ruth-Anne.
How in the world did you come up with such a precipitous decline? I'd hardly call it precipitous.
Down 16 people.
Statistically, that is Akron, Ohio after Firestone took a powder.
Oh, for goodness sake.
Well, what about that family of trappers lives up by the upper reservoir? They've got a lot of kids.
We can't include unincorporated areas.
You know that.
Ruth-Anne, do you have any idea what this negative publicity will do to us? You might as well take out an ad in the Fairbanks Daily Miner saying, "Cicely loses economic base.
" Maurice, numbers don't lie.
Hi, Chris.
Hey.
Came by for that acetylene torch.
Yeah.
Right there by the hand-sander, Walt.
Hinges on the smoker need re-welding.
Mind if I ask what you're doing? Getting ready to take a little trip.
Looks like you're dressed for bed.
I am going to bed.
The trip I'm taking's in my mind.
Not one of those Timothy Leary tours, is it? No.
This is called lucid dreaming.
You see, once I'm asleep, these goggles monitor my eye movements.
Then I hit my REM cycle and the lights begin to flash, to let me know that I'm dreaming.
That way, my mind wakes up, even though I'm somatically, metabolically dead to the world.
You get to be honcho of your dream world.
Decide where you go, what you do.
It's a whole new way of working out your problems.
You know, like, if you got an issue with a woman.
Well, good luck.
Thanks for the torch.
I'll see you, Walt.
minibar and room service menu, and all your channels are listed right on the back of your remote.
I hope you enjoy your stay at the Woodbine.
Thanks.
It's great.
Anything else? No, I think I'm pretty well set.
I am expecting a Miss O'Connell.
If you can keep your eye out, I'd appreciate it.
Glad to.
For you.
Thank you, sir.
Maggie.
Mr.
Stevens? Yes.
Melissa Chenault.
Hotel manager.
There was a small problem.
We need another card.
Your Visa was maxed out.
Oh, oh, sure.
Welcome to the Woodbine.
Everything satisfactory with your room? Yes.
Yes, it is.
Thank you.
Your bag.
It should've been put on the luggage rack.
Oh.
It's okay.
Not with me, it isn't.
With the turnover these days, it is almost impossible to maintain the kind of service a hotel like this demands.
I do apologize.
No problem.
You haven't been lying on this with your shoes on, have you? Hmm? Now, you certainly can't expect us to change the bedspreads between guests.
Removing your shoes is a common courtesy.
I'm sure you can understand that? Sorry.
You have something on your lapel.
Would you like me to get the hotel valet to see to that? No, it's okay.
There, that's better.
Hey, whoa.
What's wrong? Well, I'm expecting someone.
Not a problem.
What's her name? Maggie.
Maggie O'Connell.
Mario? Melissa.
If a Miss O'Connell should come in, put her in 514 and tell her that Mr.
Stevens has been detained.
Oh, and Mario, do something about that floral arrangement in the third floor elevator bay.
Come here.
Hey, hey.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Hope you haven't eaten dinner yet? No, come on in.
All right.
I got some turkey lasagna here from The Brick and these are for you.
Well, what's the special occasion? No special occasion.
They were having a big closeout sale over at Rusty's.
Oh, they were? Yeah.
Well, put the food on the table.
I'll get us a glass of wine.
Hope you don't mind paper plates? No.
That was my mother's deal.
Man, am I a slob or what? Don't worry about it.
A woman after my own heart.
So, did you do it? What? What you were talking about on the radio the other morning.
The What was it called? Lucid dreaming experiment.
Yeah.
And when? Last night? Yesterday afternoon.
In the middle of the day? Well, afternoon naps are more conducive to it.
You know, the lighter the sleep, the better You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna pop this in the microwave 'cause, you know So was it like you thought? I mean, could you take charge of your dreams? Well, I was able to maintain full cognitive power, yeah.
So you could do whatever you wanted? Do you have any Parmesan? Uh-huh.
In the fridge.
So what'd you dream about? Horseback riding.
I went on a trail ride with Uncle Roy Bower.
Oh, come on.
You didn't dream about You know? No.
What do you mean? What do I mean? You had the opportunity to dream about whatever you wanted and you chose to dream about horseback riding with your uncle? Yeah.
I had this childhood thing I had to resolve.
And Uncle Roy Bower was this major imago figure and I got some breadsticks.
Have one.
Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
Oh, brother! Look, what you What did you do to me? Eugene.
Just the man I wanted to see.
Dude, nice bear.
You like him? He's yours.
Me? Oh, sure.
You've already got two kids, Eugene.
You're experienced.
Ed, I'm salmon clan.
Bears and salmon, we're natural enemies.
It goes way back.
He'd be much better off with you people.
Oh, but, Eugene, I don't know the first thing about child-rearing.
Heck, I never even read Dr.
Spock.
Can't you talk to Ginny or something? She put her foot down when I brought a hamster home.
No more pets.
Oh, Eugene, he's more than a pet, much more.
He's a cute little bugger.
Yeah.
And he's really smart, too.
I'll bet you could have him housebroke in no time.
No can do, Ed.
Oh, come on, Eugene.
I can't sleep at night.
Just about the time I start to drop off, well, he starts crumpling newspapers or whimpering or something.
At least think about it.
Sorry.
I can ask around, though.
You never know.
Oh, say, Eugene, how about just babysitting for a night? I got Bonnie Norell coming over.
And, well, it's my first date since me and Heather broke up.
We're gonna watch Moonstruck and I'm gonna make spaghetti with clam sauce.
Sorry, bud.
Come on.
Nobody wants you.
Be right with you, hon.
All right.
What'll it be? The usual? Yep.
Okay.
Hot P and a four-top.
Side of homers.
Okay.
Sorry, it's been really busy this morning.
I can't believe you.
Hot P and a four-top? Yeah.
Plaid stockings? Aren't they a kick? Shelly lent them to me.
I should get my own pair.
What? You know, I understand the whole Kerouac thing.
And if you want to get down with the people, that's fine.
I just want you to come home.
Phil, I still have a few things to work through, okay? Darling.
Excuse me.
Warm up your java for you? Put it right there, peach.
All right.
Could you stop by after work some night? Yeah, yeah.
It's a great idea.
It'll give us a chance to finally talk.
No pressure.
My computer locks up every time I try to use my new inkjet.
And you're Mr.
Cyber.
I thought maybe you could give me a hand.
No problem.
I'd be glad to.
Thanks.
Ruth-Anne, do you have any cheesecloth? At 12:00.
Right by the cornichons.
Don't you hate it when they make you buy a whole pack, and all you need is enough for a bouquet garni? You haven't seen Chris, have you? Today? No.
Why? Well, I went by the station to drop off this ad.
The place was empty.
He had the tape player running all by itself.
Oh, I know what it is.
He's been going to bed after lunch.
Part of this new lucid-dreaming research.
It's part of what? Lucid dreaming.
I don't know.
It's some new way to utilize your dreams.
Well, I suppose that's one name for it.
You think? No.
No, I think it's probably just like you said.
You know, Ruth-Anne, I could drop this by Chris'.
I mean, I'm going right by there.
Oh, would you? Yeah.
That'd be great.
Thank you.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
They call them nooners, Chris.
Not ten-after-nooners.
I know.
Customs was jammed and they lost my bag.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
Be a dear and get me a drink from the minibar.
Dewar's, straight up.
Keys.
You know, it really doesn't take a lot of effort to keep your jacket from getting wrinkled, even on a long flight.
You're right.
I'm careless.
Sorry.
Who picks out your ties? I do, I guess.
Well, remind me to buy you a decent Hermés while we're here.
Now, take it off.
I shouldn't be doing this.
Oh, please.
Although, personally, I find guilt very sexy.
It's just Maggie and me, we're kindred spirits, kind of.
Are you trying to make me ill? Anyway, I think you're missing the point.
What's that? Maggie's not here.
Oh.
Wait.
Hey, Chris.
That's Maggie.
You've gotta hide.
Maggie'll catch us here.
Relax, darling, everything's under control.
Chris, are you in there? Chris? What am I gonna do? Lie.
Hey, Maggie.
You can't come in here right now.
Well, why not? 'Cause it's a mess.
Yeah, the toilet overflowed.
There's water everywhere and I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
You go downstairs and get us another room.
And I'll get dressed and I'll come down and meet you in a few minutes.
You okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm great.
I'm fine.
How are you? You good? Your flight was good, huh? I'll see you in a little bit.
Oh, no, you won't.
She I wonder if me and bear could come in for a while? This space is for kids.
Oh, I know.
I just wanted him to play for a little while.
I really need a break.
Well, if it's just for a little while, it'll probably be okay.
You sure he can't hurt the kids? I'll keep an eye on him, Lucille.
Oh, Shelly, it's been terrible.
I get home, he's got my fishing gear all tangled up, trash all over the place.
I What? Well, I almost snapped, Shelly.
I came this close to spanking him.
Believe me, Ed.
I totally understand.
You're no different than any of the rest of us.
I mean it.
We start this parent gig and we all think it's gonna be Look Who's Talking.
All hearts and diapers.
Like we never even think about losing our cool.
But, Shelly, I just don't have the patience.
I don't have the energy.
Wait till you get woken up 44 times a night.
Sometimes, you just go mental.
Tell me about it.
Oh, of course, you learn to bag those feelings.
But you wouldn't be a parent if you didn't have 'em.
In fact, I read where being a mom is just under being a cop and an air traffic controller for high-stress occupations.
Well, what do you do? Well, first, you learn not to off yourself for getting snarky.
And then you learn techniques to chill.
Like what? Time outs, counting to ten.
Talking it out really helps.
Remember, Ed, you're not alone.
Uh Bear.
Oh, come here.
I'm sorry.
We'll go now.
Come on, bear.
How many of these honey baked ham franchises do you actually own? Fourteen.
Oh, that's pretty good.
What are you, Twenty-six in September.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that's very impressive.
I was 30 when I made my first million.
'Course, in those days, a million was worth a million.
You know, you really don't have Alaska covered until you have a pushpin right in Cicely.
Well, the thing about Honey-Baked is it's a volume business.
I mean, if you don't have a decent throughput, you're dead.
That's what I'm saying.
That location that I'm talking about's perfect for you.
I had my staff do some research on Cicely.
Housing starts, per capita income.
Not exactly Atlanta in the '70s.
I gotta be straight out, Maurice, this is a no-brainer.
Too risky.
Try printing.
That's what usually does it.
When did you start smoking? Hmm? Oh, I really don't smoke.
Just gives my hands something to do.
Well, it says something, Michelle.
You never smoked before.
There's obviously some underlying anxieties about your decision.
No, I love what I'm doing.
I do.
I mean, look at this.
Three nights of tips.
Do I have to declare this, do you know? Come on, Michelle.
You know, honey, what I'm doing, it occupies the mind.
You know, there isn't time to get anxious.
I know what it is.
It's this place.
Admit it, Michelle.
If we were still in Los Angeles and Santa Monica, you'd rather be ripped apart by the coyotes than wait tables.
Maybe it is Cicely.
Something about it.
Something very freeing.
Hello? Hey, Bonnie.
We're still on for tonight, aren't we? I did try to get a sitter.
Well, I was thinking maybe I could just get him to sleep early, you know? Well, the smell's not so bad now, Bonnie.
I got some air freshener.
Uh-huh.
No, Bonnie, he's not really a problem.
No, I understand.
No, no, that's fine.
Okay.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
All right, that's it.
I tried.
I'm through.
I quit.
See this? It's just a coat.
I'm not your mother! I'm not even your friend.
Ron? Erick? Anybody home? Hey.
What are you doing here? I just I'm trying to deliver this ant farm for Erick and Ron that I flew in.
What about you? Just out for a walk, thought I'd come by, see if the guys wanna get a game of poker going.
Listen, Chris.
I'm sorry for intruding the way I did.
Well, you know, I had no right to walk in on you while you were in bed and everything.
What do you mean? Well, you know, the other day.
Oh, sure.
Of course.
You.
You, a hotel, it changes every time.
It's this hotel this time, not the Woodbine.
And an ant farm.
Right.
Chris.
The parallel universe, feel it? I can cut right through now.
All this craziness that I've been going through in my mind.
Chris, are you okay? Hmm.
Listen, you've got to understand one thing.
This chick, she meant nothing to me.
All right? She meant nothing.
Just the same old control issues, like power equals lust.
I mean, who could resist a dominatrix like that, hmm? So, there is someone else.
No.
No, no, no.
All in the land of imagination.
Some crazy twisted dream, you know? Obviously, I'm making progress.
Look, you're here, not her.
Oh, that's flattering.
Yeah.
And we're on our home turf.
We're not at the Woodbine.
What is the Woodbine? You know what the beauty is? No consequences.
Just me and you.
We can jump right up here on this counter right now and What do you say? I'm leaving now.
Well, you can't leave.
'Cause it's my dream.
I'm controlling the dream, see? I'm the dream master.
You've got to do what I say.
Hey, I command you.
Pop.
Okay.
Now, I want you to stay in there.
Don't go anywhere.
What are you looking for, Ed? Oh, Ruth-Anne, we have anything you can spray on furniture, you know, to keep bears off it, like Bear-Away? Well, why don't you try the dog products? Thanks, Ruth-Anne.
Bear? Bear? Hey, Jimmy.
Get out of there.
Get out of there.
Bear? Bear? Walt? Hmm? Did you see a bear come by here? He's pretty short, maybe 15 inches? Sorry, no.
Oh, bear? Bear? There you are.
I told you to wait for me.
Oh, yeah.
Don't you ever do that to me again.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
All right.
Hi.
Mind if I join you? "In the desert stand two vast and trunkless legs of stone" Can I get a Scotch, straight up, please, Eugene? "And on the pedestal appear My name is Ozymandias "King of kings "Look up on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!" Buy you another cask full, Maurice? I'm Ozymandias, that's me.
Standing in the ruins of an empire that never was and never will be.
That song.
They were playing that song when Michelle and I first drove into this town.
Make it a double, will you? I hate that song.
I have sunk my flag into this land.
I wanted to see Cicely grow.
I wanted to see it flourish.
But the population's not going up, it's going down.
Businesses aren't opening up, they're closing up.
Wait a minute, Maurice.
You lured me up here with talk about double-digit growth and boom times around the corner.
That's just great.
I mortgage my future to a ghost town.
Put myself into hock, destroyed my marriage.
I sink into agoraphobia.
Damn it.
Hayden, would you stop playing that damn song? Sorry, Doc.
Machine's already got my four bits.
Hey, I'm not kidding around, Hayden! Don't make me come over there.
Sorry, Doc.
There's nothing I can do.
That does it.
God damn it.
I hate that song.
I hate that song.
I hate You see all this white water out here, bear? Now, right time of year, this is all gonna be chock-full of bar-sided chum salmon.
And you can fish from right there where you are.
Or you can wade out here like me.
Get out here and do it from here.
Well, come on out here.
You're gonna have to learn sometime.
What you're gonna do is you're gonna wait till the salmon jumps.
That's when you make your move.
Okay, you're gonna wait till he jumps.
Good bear.
Attaboy.
Hour 36 of the marathon.
Tenth cup of joe.
The only way I know to prevent unwanted dreams is not to sleep.
So far it's working.
Hey! What are you doing here? We had a date, remember? I waited for nearly an hour.
Well, some things came up.
Is that the best you can do? Okay, I can't do this anymore.
Can't or won't? I'm not the guy that you think I am.
I knew you weren't a risk-taker, Chris.
But I never pegged you as a one-woman man.
Mmm.
Well, you and me, we never had a relationship.
We just jumped in the sack without saying two words.
Talk is cheap, Chris.
What we had was a lot more interesting.
Well, what Oh.
What we had was anonymous and purely physical.
Right.
I don't want that.
Oh, yeah.
I want communication.
Mmm.
I want intimacy.
Oh, I can't believe I just said that.
I take it then I won't be seeing you at the Woodbine? No.
No.
You showed promise, Chris.
There was something wonderfully meaningless about us.
Well, I better be going.
There's a Korean Airways tour group I should be meeting.
I'll FedEx your shirt.
Well, you take it easy, Melissa.
Chris, wake up.
Chris, hey, hey.
Chris! What? Oh, man! The record's been skipping.
It's been driving everybody crazy.
What's the matter? What's the matter? Oh, Chris, I think you're sleep-deprived.
Got you.
She meant nothing to me.
Come on, Chris.
Come on.
Nothing.
I'm not interrupting, am I? No, of course not.
I brought you a sandwich.
Prosciutto and provolone.
Light on the Dijon.
Just the way you like it.
Thanks.
There's something else.
Hey, perfect.
Oh.
No, I mean, I want to come home.
Or give it a try, anyway.
Oh, honey, honey, that's wonderful.
Nothing's changed, Phil.
I'm keeping my job, but I'm moving my things out of The Brick.
That's great, honey.
What made you change your mind? What? Well, you.
Seeing you last night when you flipped out.
You want to come home because I mauled a jukebox? I'd forgotten that side of you.
Like a wild animal, foaming at the mouth.
It was stirring.
Just beautiful.
Well, I was a little drunk.
You don't mind if I join you, do you? Of course not.
Okay, bear.
Oh, here's something you should know about, bear.
See these? These are low-bush cranberries.
They're good.
Easy to reach and lots of nutrients, okay? Now, over here, these are baneberries.
Yuck, yuck, black or red.
Yeah.
They'll make you really sick, yeah.
You don't want those.
This stream right here, this is also really good fishing right around here.
That's all right.
That's your mother over there.
You go see her, okay? Go on, go see your mother.
She's been looking for you.
She missed you.
Go on, go on.
He really likes popcorn.
If you're gonna do business in Cicely, this is the best location you're gonna find, Mr.
Subra Subramaniam.
Right.
Whatever.
Utilities included? Yeah.
We can negotiate that.
What kind of business is it you're starting here? Well, I buy inventories from distressed companies.
Bar supplies, women's foundations, discontinued electronics.
You know, this is really more space than I need.
Well, there's plenty of room to expand.
Well, I could go maybe $400.
Utilities Included.
What? That's right.
Well, $400? What, do you want me to give it away? Look, that might be all right in your little corner of the steppes, but it won't wash here.
No, forget it.
Well, Mr.
Minnifield, if you change your mind, I'm at The Sourdough Inn.
Uh-huh.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, wait a minute.
Is that your family? Yes.
How many kids have you got? Six.
Are they healthy? Yes.
Well, Machmood had the flu.
I'm gonna give you a break.
Oh? Good.
Done.
Welcome to Cicely.
Thank you.
Howdy! You know, I was checking out the regs on cutthroats.
No bait from November to September.
I wonder why that is? Survival rates, I think.
Yeah.
You release off of a baited hook.
Trout have a fifty-fifty chance that they're gonna die.
One in 20 if unbaited.
Well, I just hope our luck's as good in broad daylight as it's been at night.
Hmm.
You know what Holling told me? He said he saw some snow geese flying over the lake.
Must've been stragglers.
Geese, huh? Did you know that they were monogamous? Yep.
I knew that.
Wonder what their secret is.
Hmm.
That looks nice.
Well, I don't know if the fish'll like it, but I think it's kind of pretty.
That's very pretty.
See if the soup is hot.
Geese.
What? Nothing.
My money says we top 630 next year.
What do you say? Do you hear that, Maurice? What? I don't know.
Sounded kind of like a bear.
Maybe I better get the Remington.
Oh, no.
It's probably just the wind.
Think about it, Maurice.
They stay with you even after they leave home.
Huh? Children.
If you say so.