Parks and Recreation s06e21 Episode Script

Whoa, Alcatraz.
Can't believe Michael Bay spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for The Rock.
I can't believe you were able to recite that entire movie from memory on the plane ride.
You weren't trying to sleep, were you? I couldn't tell, 'cause you had that mask thing over your eyes.
This may be the craziest week of my entire life.
I am six days away from the start of the Unity concert.
I am pregnant with triplets.
I am trying to decide if I should take a job that will move me away from Pawnee, and I am speaking at the National Parks conference in San Francisco.
It is gonna be so much fun.
Michelle Obama is the keynote speaker, and you know what they say, "What happens at a national parks conference Is compiled and emailed to you in a PDF the following Monday.
" We got to find a way to break in there.
They give tours.
Yeah.
That's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.
My restaurant opens in six weeks, and I'm making sure I get every detail right.
This is the hardest I've worked on anything since Wow.
I've never worked hard on anything.
What a cool life! Looks like everything's on track for July.
It's just too bad we're not opening in time for this Unity concert.
The extra publicity would've given us a nice boost.
Why don't we? We could do a soft opening tomorrow and be ready just in time for the concert crowd.
You really think you can pull that off? Well, nobody can predict the future except me.
I guarantee it'll work and in six months, this place will be bigger than McDonald's.
As always, I love your enthusiasm.
See you tomorrow, partner.
A soft opening tomorrow? From now on, everyone call me Kristin, because I am wigging out right now! Yeah, we're not even close to being ready.
They're not even done painting that sign.
It says, "Tom's Bi.
" Actually, no, that's good.
We're ready.
Mitch is right.
The amount of buzz we get from opening next weekend is too big to pass up.
We can do it.
"This little Italian restaurant will put McDonald's out of business" on three.
One, two, three.
- Dark Lord rise - This little Italian restaurant - will be bigger than McDonald's! - In hell fire.
"Lester Kanopf"? Come on, guys, get it together.
That's mine.
- Sorry, Lester.
- Yours is right here.
Grant, hi.
Yeah, I saw you were gonna be here, and since you've been ducking my calls, I just thought that I'd drop in.
- Care to join me for lunch? - I I would Liam Bonneville's gonna be there.
Liam Bonneville the department of the interior's resident bad boy? Well, now you've got my attention.
Let me go grab my autograph book, and we'll head out.
Andy and I are meeting with a tech company called "Gryzzl.
" Now, they're giving away free wi-fi to a few cities across America, and we're going to pitch Pawnee to them.
And what exactly does Gryzzl do? Well, "It's the cloud for your cloud.
" No idea.
Wow.
So Gryzzl's really taken off, huh? Uh, yeah, it's been a crazy ride.
Our music service, Gryzzldump, launched in November, and now we have 170 million users.
Six months ago, I was working in a taco truck.
Now I own one-third of the Portland trail blazers.
You know, I think Pawnee is a great candidate for your free-wireless initiative.
We lead the country in online pizza ordering.
In fact, a lot of people go to the library just to order pizza online.
Right now we're kind of focused on, like, bigger cities, like Shreveport, Akron.
Sure.
Obviously, we're no Akron.
I mean, we're more like Dayton.
But with your help, we can become Toledo.
Ben, we don't like to say the word "no" - No.
- At this company.
We feel it's counterproductive to our creative mission, so, instead, let me say "Nah, bro.
" How is that better? Dwayne "the Rock" Swanson.
Donna told me I'd find you up here.
- What's all this? - Over the last few months, I've remodeled the entire third floor wiring, heating and cooling, restored this red pine back to its original glory.
Oh, wow.
The stripes are so wavy.
It's really all right, I can't keep this facade up any longer.
I need a favor.
You know those chairs you were making for my restaurant? - I need 'em now.
- I was told I had until July.
My chairs take time.
Who do you think I am, Thomas Hucker? Please, Ron? I've never asked you for anything today.
All right.
I'll get to work right away.
Please, you're really far behind.
Hello, everybody.
This is Leslie Knope.
- Leslie, this is Rebecca - Varuvian, yes, hello.
I ow who you are.
I've read all of your papers and I had your poster on my wall when I was a kid.
- What poster? - I made a poster of you by blowing up your picture from the national parks newsletter.
I cut out your face and made it look like you were dunking over Charles Barkley.
- My God.
- So you're the author of the famous river cleanup proposal, huh? It wasn't bad.
Liam Bonneville read my proposal.
Wow.
Liam's being withholding, as usual.
That proposal was brilliantly written.
Rebecca Varuvian.
- Yes? - Nothing.
That was the best lunch I ever had.
I have to see the photos that you took.
- I didn't take any photos.
- What? Grant, come on.
Leslie, you're treating those people like they're your heroes.
They could be your peers.
Look, I really hope you take the job, but we're at the end of the line here.
- I need a decision by tomorrow.
- Okay, that's fair.
I mean, I would be insane not to take the job, but I'm just having some trouble thinking about leaving Pawnee.
Hey, here's someone who may be able to convince you.
Hello, Mrs.
Obama.
- Hey, Grant.
How you doing? - Oh.
Doing good.
This is Leslie Knope.
She's considering a job with us running the new Midwest Bureau in Chicago.
Well, you know how I feel about Chicago.
Ah, you are from Chicago, so you like it! That's right, and we need passionate people like you on our national parks.
You know, they get hundreds of millions of visitors each year.
Are you nodding because you agree with me? Yes, I do agree with you.
I agree with you on all things throughout history until the end of time, forever.
- You and Grant work together? - Yeah, we work together a lot.
He's helped me integrate the "Let's Move" program into our national parks you know, getting kids outside, rock climbing, hiking.
Wow! That's really, really incredible! Great work! I'm sorry I'm talking so loud! I'm getting louder now, and I can't stop! My apologies! Just I don't know.
I'm sorry I'm talking so loud! - Just can I high-five you? - Yeah.
Well I hope you take the job.
Change happens one person at a time.
Good to meet you.
Again, think it over.
- Okay, this is a bad idea.
- Just trust me.
You got your camera ready? Yeah, Andy, I'm very nervous about this.
You're gonna hurt yourself.
And here we go.
Wow! Look at it go! I mean, I knew it'd go down, but not that fast! Oh-ho! San Francisco's the best.
Huh.
I thought he was go.
Yeah.
Anyway I've decided.
I'm gonna take the job.
There's so much more in the world to see, and I feel like I can really make a difference.
Oh, and I met Michelle Obama.
What? Why didn't you lead with that? I don't know! Liam Boneville has me in a tizzy.
Guys! It's totally broken! We have ten tables booked for the soft opening.
It's all friends and family, so hopefully they'll go easy on us.
How's it looking, Ron? Maybe speed it up a little? This is not government work.
As such, I treat it with care and attention.
Okay, but also, go faster.
I haven't had time to hire a staff yet, so, April, you'll handle service.
No! Can't I just stay in the back and spit in people's food like we planned? Ugh! The sawdust from Ron's chairs is everywhere! My sinuses are on the Fritz, and smell is 90% of taste, maybe 95%! Okay, Craig, Donna's gonna be your wine taster.
You guys will work as a team.
Fine, but if he raises his voice once once I'm out.
Please don't stick to that policy.
- I got the menus.
- Great.
Larry, what the hell? What are these pictures? Aw, jeez, I must have given the printer the wrong flash drive.
What is this, a rotten grapefruit? No, it's my dog's rectum.
Lord Sheldon has a growth, so we're sending pictures over to the vet.
But I guess this isn't good for menus, is it? Larry, Larry, Larry, listen to me.
This is the worst thing you've ever done.
I need you to take all of these dog-butt pictures and burn them in the pizza oven.
April, you list all the menu items from memory.
It'll be classier anyway.
Ron! What was wrong with that one? It was too perfect.
It looked machine-made.
Okay, we have to convince 'em that Pawnee is a special city.
Ooh, we could tell 'em that there's buried treasure in Pawnee.
And then after they give us the free wi-fi, we tell 'em that the treasure was love all along.
No.
I am not gonna take "no" for an answer.
If we're leaving Pawnee, I'm gonna give 'em a going-away present free wi-fi for all.
Every time someone in Pawnee clicks through a slideshow of American music award red-carpet side-boob fails, they'll say, "Thank you, Ben Wyatt.
" What the hell? They're playing Cones of Dunshire.
Hey, you invented that game.
Are they playing any games I invented? Are they throwing dirt into a fan? The key is, you have to throw the dirt - into the back of the fan.
- How the hell did they Excuse me.
How did you guys get your hands on this game? Someone sent it to us.
Have you played it? I invented Cones of Dunshire.
You're the architect.
Yeah, right, and I'm the Alchemist of the Hinterlands.
There can't be an Alchemist of the Hinterlands.
The Hinterlands is a Shadongdom that can only sustain a provost or a denier.
- He's right.
- Hey, how about this? Let's play.
If I win, you give me another shot at free wireless for Pawnee.
Have a seat.
You want to be corporal - or warrior? - Neither.
I'm the Maverick.
By using the Leslie Knope seamless merger supesystem patent pending Pawnee and Eagleton and their parks departments will be fully integrated within the next 6 to 12 months.
I know, I know.
I think it was a good presentation too.
Is that why you're laughing? Your timeline is way off.
I was in charge of the Wesham/Southborough merger of 2004.
You know when it was completed? Last month.
What? How is that possible? Merging governments requires constant hands-on management.
You're being very cavalier about the future of your town.
Excuse me.
I've been accused of lot of things, but cavalier has never been one of them.
I have a super system.
I had a system too, but the economy went South.
My hometown hit some hard times and was converted into unincorporated territory.
You lost your cityhood? If you want to see this through, you need eight to ten years minimum, unless you want to run the risk of Pawnee becoming - Don't say it.
- Unincorporated territory.
It's a bold flavor fruity, a little earthy.
Well, which is it fruity or earthy? It can't be both.
They're mutually exclusive! Oh, no! You do not come at me like that.
I'm sorry.
I don't know who I am anymore.
A man without a palate isn't a man.
I love you, Donna.
What are you guys doing? There's people waiting out there! We're having a moment, you monster! Ugh! - Stop hassling me.
- Ron, you're amazing.
You've always been like a grandpa to me, but can you please lower your standards a tiny bit so my customers have somewhere to sit? No.
Oh! I am so sorry, Tom.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but don't worry about it.
Restaurant superstition breaking a glass on the first night is good luck.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, jeez.
Play an action card, build a bell tower inside your citadel.
My shaman casts a toyber spell on your prosperity tile.
Looks like someone's out of resource gems.
Uh-oh.
What's so funny? Oh, no, no, no, you're a smart guy, clearly picked up some flashy tricks, but you made one crucial mistake.
You forgot about the essence of the game.
It's about the Cones.
Move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my Brinksman to the Devil's Lair, and pushes my farmer yes, my humble farmer directly into the central cone.
Yeah, babe, we did it.
This whole company is ours.
Oh, no, it's not.
- That's mine, it's all mine.
- Andy for the record, I did invent this game.
But it doesn't even matter, because I won and I get another chance to prove that there's something truly special about Pawnee.
Yes, there is.
It's the home of the architect.
Let's talk.
I'm on top of the world.
Andy, what are you doing? Seems like things are a little chaotic.
No, no, everything is perfect.
This is April.
She's gonna be taking care of you tonight.
Hello, welcome to Tommy's Bistro.
Today we have spaghetti, linguini, butercini, ravioli, rigattoni, lasagna.
Could you repeat that? Spaghetti, linguini, butercini, ravioli, Ferrari, Lamborghini, rigattoni, lasagna.
Can I see a menu? We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog rectum.
Great news.
Lord Sheldon's gonna make it.
Yeah, just have to apply a salve to his anus every hour for the rest of his life, but Oh, enjoy your meal.
- For crying out loud! - No, Mitch, don't leave.
Come on.
You have no idea how to run a restaurant.
I've been in this game before and I can see the cracks starting to form.
Sorry, kid, consider my investment terminated.
D, let's go.
- Sir, were you sitting in that chair? - Yes, yes I was.
Why? - No reason.
- Let's go! Apparently, and I don't know how, but the game has spread.
I mean, it's all over the Internet Austin, Charlotte, San Diego.
I mean, people are playing with my Cones, babe.
That's great.
I'm just bummed I never copyrighted it.
Oh, I'll look into that, but at least because of it, Pawnee will get free wireless, and we can both move away with a clear conscience.
Uh-oh.
What's wrong? I I can't leave Pawnee during a difficult merger that I'm responsible for.
I have to turn down the job.
Leslie, no.
You made up your mind yesterday.
You Michelle Obama.
I know, but I've been doing this for months.
The only thing that I am 100% positive on is that I want to stay and go.
I'm never gonna be able to decide.
I'm gonna be paralyzed by hypotheticals until I die here, in this minivan at the San Francisco airport.
Wait a second.
I have an idea.
Drive here.
So you screwed up a little.
You tried to shoot the moon, and you came up short.
That doesn't mean it's over.
My main investor pulled out.
Any dollar I spend from now on is my own.
And despite what my pocket square says, I'm not a billionaire.
So I quit.
Just go home, Ron.
I'm not done with the chairs yet.
It is my belief that you never start a job you don't intend to finish.
Really? I love quitting.
When I was a kid and things didn't go my way, I would just take my ball and go home.
That's better than winning, 'cause then your friends can't play anymore.
Hey! - No, my stemware! - You are not quitting.
I just called a bunch of reviewers, and I told them that the soft opening went great, and I invited them to come here on Friday.
- Why would you do this to me? - You worked really hard.
You owe it to yourself to give it a real shot, because you are smart and talented.
Well, I hate doing work, but I love being flattered, so maybe I'll give it another try.
- Good.
- It's a smart move, son.
- Thanks, Ron.
- Because you currently owe me $16,000 for the wood.
What? - Where are we going? - Oh, it's right up here.
Just trust me.
I'm on Endor.
These are the redwoods George Lucas used to create the forest moon of Endor.
Sorry.
That's not why we're here.
Well, that is a gorgeous view.
Yes, it is.
But don't look at that.
Look at this.
You've been thinking about this job in the abstract.
Focus on what it actually means.
We're standing in a national park that stretches 50 miles.
That's the Presidio over there.
It's a national park.
So is Alcatraz, and so are the redwoods we just walked through, by the way.
You take this job, places like this will be your office.
Well, that is a compelling point.
When we got back from London, you said that it's a very big world and you've seen very little of it.
This is your chance, honey.
This whole region Mount Rushmore, the Badlands, the Ozarks, Abe Lincoln's childhood home you would be in charge of all of it.
Your job would be to preserve the most beautiful places on earth so millions of people could enjoy them.
And those places, the greatest treasures America has to offer, will all have signs with your name right there.
Hi, Grant.
I want the job.
I have a lot of questions, but I'm a little amped up right now, so I'll probably just hang up.
It might be for the best.
But, anyway, I love you.
No, I don't.
I'm sorry.
That was weird.
Okay, bye.
Oh, this is Lester Kanopf.
No, you know who it - Okay, bye.
- Smoothly handled, Lester.
I panicked.
We should go.
We have a lot of stuff to do and the meter's still running on that cab, so chop-chop.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh.
The opening of Tom's Bistro was a disaster.
So what? This is America.
And America's the land of second chances, and now we have one night, one after-party to make the world realize that Tom's Bistro is where miracles can happen! Thomas, I have to work all day at the Unity concert.
If you're gonna pull this off, we need more people.
I know, and I didn't want to do this, but I called in some reinforcements.
Did someone call for a party zoo? Yum, yum, yum, yum.
All right, so we got a four-way going with my ex, my brother, and this rando? Okay, if that's where the night is going - It's 9:00 in the morning - Wha It's not a four-way.
And I need your help.
Take these V.
I.
P.
invitations.
Find all the "A" -list peeps at the concert and get 'em to the restaurant tonight.
I got to stop by the Parks office.
I'll meet you later.
Godspeed.
I like your energy, hombre.
What do you say you and I ride go-karts later? I want to go horseback riding! Deal.
Last chance, Ron.
The slots are finalized, but I can squeeze in ten minutes if a certain mister Duke Silver wanted to come out.
Come on, Ron, it's gonna be so fun.
Thank you, Andrew, but fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.
Okay, everyone, welcome to the very last Unity concert planning meeting.
Andy, you are in charge.
This is your show.
Take it away.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to accept the following missions.
- Madison.
- Manning that art tents.
- Donna.
- Scheduling and security liaison.
- Larry.
- Staying out of the way.
And all of the rest of the volunteer-work assignments are up on this board.
Your main goal today is to get 2,000 people to sign up for the Pawnee-Eagleton merger preservation volunteer action squad.
Their first project will be to come up with a shorter name for the group.
You're right.
The name is too long.
I was picturing bigger hats.
- All right, here we go.
- Everybody, let's get to work.
Can the Parks and Rec people hang back for a second? Um The reason I wanted you guys to stick around is, I wanted to tell you - That I love and admire you.
- Oh! Leslie, thank you.
You say that every morning.
A while ago, I was offered a job at the national parks service, and it's a great opportunity, but it means that I'll have to move to Illinois.
And I took the job.
- Good for you! - Wow! - That's great! - Congratulations, Knope.
The sentimental people in this office will probably miss you.
- When do you leave? - Soon, maybe a month.
Oh.
That makes what we're about to show you a little bit awkward.
We had a new founders day statue commissioned and added your name to the list of founders of Pawnee.
Because you basically founded this new town.
Leslie Knope, champion of the Pawnee-Eagleton merger, "our most faithful citizen.
She never abandoned us.
" - Oh, boy.
- There's a quote too.
"'Only a moron would ever live anywhere other than Pawnee, Indiana.
' Leslie Knope, multiple occasions.
" I can cut a new plinth with a less ironic inscription.
This is so touching, you guys.
I am crying out of happiness and sadness and gratitude and because I'm carrying triplets and for a fifth reason that I can't figure out.
Leslie, don't cry.
It's not that great.
It doesn't even look like you.
Or, actually, you know what? It kind of does.
Well, it's about that time.
Unity concert! Hello, Pawnee.
We're The Decembrists.
It's great to be here in support of this event.
This is truly an amazing town.
I ordered a small cheeseburger, and both the buns were pizzas.
each feather it fell from skin Joanie baby, I'm throwing a huge party tonight at Tom's Bistro.
- You gots to stop by.
- You gots to stop by.
Will this medium drink of water be there? The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over For violating my house arrest Ah-boosh! - What? - Judge gave me two ankle bracelets, said it was the first time he ever had to do that.
Uh, jah boy's a question on the bar exam.
Yah-hey! Anyway, Tom's Bistro, tonight, be there.
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Don't just let me talk Well, the relocation package seems fair, but the dental plan is more than fair.
I mean, three annual cleanings for the spouse? Ka-ching.
Hey, did someone say "dental plan"? How's it going? Councilman Jeremy Jamm, Jamm orthodontics.
Hey, uh, I think we can all agree this concert blows, right? You guys really want to see a crowd, you might want to stop by my secession rally later tonight.
That is gonna be off the hook! - You ever heard of warrant? - Yeah.
There's a cover band around here they call themselves "Cherry Pie.
" Pretty sure we got their bass player.
- Oh, wow.
- Gonna be pretty good.
Dah-nah-nah, rock and roll, yeah, poison What is that? Just general rock, man.
It's gonna be fun.
She's my cherry pie, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah - that guy was a councilman? - Crazy, right? Okay, uh, let's talk staff.
For the first few months, you're only gonna have six staffers.
Four of them will be coming up from Omaha.
Oh, so does that mean that there's two openings left? - Yeah.
- Because I happen to know some of the most dedicated civil servants and greatest people to ever walk the planet earth.
You can hire whoever you like.
I will hang my head hang my head low, low, low Ginuwine, it is an honor to be breathing the same air as you.
No joke.
But real talk we're both men about town being constantly bombarded with party invitations.
Who is this guy? My friend who's opening a restaurant tonight, and you're going to be there, cousin, unless you want me to get onstage and talk about how we used to take baths together, how you cried whenever I took away your rubber duckies.
Damn, Donna.
Why you got to bring the Quackson 5 into this? How y'all doing? Li'l Sebastian, this one is for you, because you're my pony.
I'm just a bachelor I'm looking for a partner someone who knows how to ride Ron, I have to ask you something, and I want you to consider it, okay? Really consider it.
How would you feel about leaving Pawnee and moving to Chicago? Hold on, come on, I'm not done.
You'd be working for the federal government.
You know what, excuse me for wanting my dear friend and ethical mentor to accompany me on the adventure of a lifetime.
It's very sweet, Leslie, and the national parks service is probably the only branch of government worth a damn, but Diane and I are quite happy raising our family here.
Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a booth over there serving something called, "fried sausage quilts," so I'm going to buy the booth.
Just once if I had the chance Hello.
I'm Johnny Karate.
Imaginary friends are cool imaginary friends take the fall for you - Daddy, you should play music.
- Yeah, Ron.
Go on.
Get up there.
Have some fun.
I recalibrated the sights on all the rifles in the shooting gallery.
I've had enough fun for one day.
Oh, I know that look.
Where is she? She's near.
Hide the children.
Hello, Ron.
- Hello, Ron's friend.
- Tammy, what could possibly bring you to a children's performance preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn? No, just trolling for some daddy.
Oh, sorry.
I pronounced that wrong.
Trolling for some dad "D.
" Diane, why don't you take the girls for some ice cream while I dispose of this sewer-dwelling gutter witch? Bye, Tammy.
Always a pleasure.
You're not fooling me, Ron.
This little domestic charade of yours hasn't changed you one bit.
You're still the same old Ron Swanson, and I will defeat you.
I will defeat you right into my pants.
- Thank you! - Everybody go crazy! All right, thanks, guys.
Remember karate on bad guys only.
Hey, man, you were really great out there.
Oh, hey, burly.
How you doing, man? Pretty good, man.
Remember my nephew, Jack? - He's a really big fan.
- Whoa, hey, Jack.
Good to see you, bud.
Hey, listen, man, I'm really sorry things ended so weird with mouse rat.
You know, that's not really how I pictured us - breaking up, you know.
- Yeah, I do know.
I always figured we'd you know, whatever break up 'cause I got drafted by the Colts.
And then in the first game, of course, I'd break my leg.
Crowd starts chanting my name, and I give 'em the thumbs-up.
And then I'd go to the hospital.
I'd get really good at chess.
I end up beating the computer finally, and then the band just sort of drifts apart.
- That was how I saw it, but - Yeah.
- Take it easy.
- Yeah, see you.
Babe, that was so awesome.
That was the best performance ever.
One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything.
- What? I gave a kid pee pants? - Yes! Well, that's why I do what I do.
What's wrong? I guess I just kind of miss having people up onstage with me.
They never tell you when you go solo that it's just gonna be you up there.
Anyways, what do you say I take you over to the ball pit, and we find your cell phone I lost? You what? Just living on a Sunday morning got my toast and tea, and I'm warm and I just thought I'd think about and it might be the comfort of a knowledge of a rise above the sky could never parallel the challenge of an acquion in the here and now, here and now I love you, Kay Hanley! I hope you like deep-dish pizza, because there's gonna be a lot more of it in Chicago, where we're all gonna be moving.
- Okay.
- No.
No.
We are not moving to Chicago for, like, a billion reasons.
- But, babe, pizza.
- There's pizza in Pawnee.
Right.
Thanks, babe.
You're so good at reminding me where pizza is.
Come on, guys, take a risk.
Live on the edge.
Life is an adventure.
It is! Let's do it! - No.
- No.
Pawnee is cheap, and we like it here, and Chicago seems like there's a lot of stuff to do and people, but I like to do nothing with no one.
So thank you, and I love you, but, no, thank you, and I hate you.
I love you.
Well, you know, you owe me for that pizza.
But you're motoring Yeah motoring Sister Christian.
Thank you, Pawnee! We have been Bobby Knight Ranger! Super cool to hear Sister Christian that many times in a row.
Now is the moment we've all been waiting for.
This next band agreed to reunite for one night only, and it's gonna be great.
I personally hope that they play Summer Sun.
We all know how it goes, right? Summer sun summer sun - Hey, Andy.
- * Summer * Why don't you let us play those, bud? Oh, yeah, good point.
Okay.
Without any further ado, land ho! What up, Pawnee? alone and zoned and sad no one gives a zig or zag I should have let you ride I should have let you go Thank you, Pawnee! You miss the band? No, I mean, I love that I'm Johnny Karate now, but being part of a band, that's just that's rock and roll, man.
Joining us now for our finale, legendary local band, please welcome Mouse Rat! You guys are closing this sucker down! Well, how about this Unity concert, huh, Pawnee? I love this town so much, and I'm just so proud to live here.
And we're gonna close tonight out with a tribute to Pawnee's greatest treasure.
Up in horsey heaven, here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings and once we've all said good-bye you take a running leap, and you learn to fly bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Whoo! bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian you're 5,000 candles in the wind Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Duke Ssilver! bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion bye-bye, Li'l Sebastian you're 5,000 candles in the wind Guys, this is the most important night of my life, which means it's the most important night of your lives too.
Speak for yourself.
I once got into a cab that Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of.
No way, The Closer? Oof! It's opening night.
Let's do this! Hey, butt wieners! Look who I found - Daddy! - No.
Your father ruined my last business.
Why would you bring him here? Because you told me to look for V.
I.
P.
s, and my daddy is the V.
I.
-est "P" I know.
- I love you, daddy.
- I love you too, angel.
Money, please.
- Mm! Money! Money! Money! - Money, please! Craig, we're gonna drink.
Why would you come here, Saperstein? I came here to see your flourishing business, to see how well you're doing.
Wow! You're back.
Can you squeeze me in, or do I need a reservation? 'Cause there's nobody here.
Maybe this restaurant won't be a huge success.
Maybe it won't be packed with celebrities.
- Tommy! - Or maybe it will.
- Hello, Joan.
Hello, Perd.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming by.
- Can I get you a drink? - I'll have the Joan.
It's a tumbler of gin, and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.
And I would just like an empty glass.
Steve, can we get these cocktails going for Joan and Perd? Oh, look, Kay Hanley, rock star, thanks for coming by.
Thanks for having me.
Come on in, guys.
You might want to grab a seat, Dr.
Saperstein.
Looks like it's getting a little crowded.
And I said, "you don't need a towel.
You need a washcloth.
" You know, I don't think that the girls have ever been happier or more surprised than when you got up on that stage.
Well, having you and the kids in my life has made me a different person.
And I like it.
There's more room in my life for fun.
Hi, Ben.
It's me, Barney, from the accounting firm.
Yes.
Hi, Barney.
You don't have to introduce yourself every time.
I was gonna wait until your birthday to give this to you, but I'm just too excited.
This is the copyright to Cones of Dunshire.
After you gave it to us as a gift, we saw its potential, so we formed a "C" corp and registered it in your name.
This is amazing.
How can I ever repay you? Come work for us at the accounting firm.
Okay.
Oh! Oh! No, sorry.
I can't.
Wow.
Shortest one yet.
Thank you.
Babe, thank you so much for organizing the mouse rat reunion.
It was actually Ginuwine who arranged everything.
He really cares about you.
You're the greatest wife ever.
I wish I could marry you all over again.
Let's get divorced.
That way, we can get married again.
Yes, let's do it.
- You want to? - Yes! We should do that, right? Yeah, totally.
- We're getting divorced! - Yes.
This is amazing.
Practically everyone we invited came, except for Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus.
I was hoping tonight would be magical enough - to get 'em back together.
- Let it go, friend.
He's not good enough for her, and vice versa! Thomas.
Yes, we don't get along, but I look at you I see driven, I see smart, and I just had the best Italian meal I've ever had in my life, and I've been to Dallas.
- I'm in.
- No way.
I'm not gonna let you take another one of my businesses.
No, no, I'm in as a partner.
I'm always looking for new investments.
I've got an auto dealership.
I've got a massage parlor, a dry-cleaning transactional holding company that is doing unbelievably well, I might add.
What do you say? You know what? I'm not really looking for investors, given the almost embarrassing level of success I've attained, but I'll consider it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get some pictures for my wall of fame.
Uh, excuse me, miss Hanley? Do you mind if I snap a you-ie? It's what I call selfies of other people.
Sure.
Can I get everyone's attention, please? Our goal was to get 2,000 signatures in support of the merger.
We got almost 4,000 on the first night.
Hey, everybody, let's keep this party going.
The next round of gnocchi is on the house.
You look sad, Knope.
Couldn't find any takers for Chicago? Everybody turned me down but Larry.
- Ouch.
- Yeah.
Well, cheer up.
You got a new job, new challenges, all that crap you like.
Man, I'm gonna miss Pawnee.
I wish I could stay, you know, keep an eye on it, raise my kids here.
And let's be honest, am I ever gonna find a better breakfast than JJ's Diner? You will not, no.
I know it's not easy to leave, but this job does seem perfect.
Of course, I'd prefer you use your talents elsewhere.
You know, with your courage and small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.
Thank you, Ron.
That's very sweet.
It's time for you to move up in the world.
Your ambition was bound to take you away from the town you love sooner or later, and you can't have everything you want.
Oh, my God.
I can have everything I want! - Thank you.
- I feel like - you're not listening to me.
- Oh, and by the way, don't think that we are not discussing Duke silver.
When were you going to tell me about that? Unbelievable! I am so furious at you, but I've already forgiven you, and you need to teach me how to play the saxophone.
Okay, bye.
Hi, Leslie and everyone.
- I'm Grant - No time for small talk.
I think the best version of me working as Midwest regional director is not in Chicago.
It's right here in Pawnee.
- How so? - The financial savings here are enormous.
I mean, the cost of living is way lower here, and renting the entire third floor of this building would be way cheaper than a much smaller space in Chicago.
Pawnee is actually closer to most of the parks in the Midwest region, and it's got Tom's Bistro an exciting new-wave Italian eatery that's equal parts Dean Martin and Bruno Mars.
But that's just what The Indianapolis Star is saying.
Let's see what everyone else has to say.
No, no, this is not what we're doing right now.
- But congrats.
- Leslie should stay here.
And if you don't agree with us, it's nine against one, and we can make you disappear forever.
- What? - I said, "We have free wi-fi.
" Look, Pawnee is a town on the rise, and national parks could get in on the ground floor.
It's the best option, hands down.
Well, I'll run this up the flagpole.
Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.
Sometimes you have to make the hardest climb to see the most beautiful sunrise.
I read that once on an old lady's decorative pillow.
But it is really how I feel today.
I've climbed a very weird and rocky mountain, and it was a pain in the ass, and my legs are tired, and I'm starving, but the sun is rising over a sea of love and waffles and possibility.
So I'm just gonna relax and take a deep breath and enjoy this view for as long as I possibly can.
Call Ken and Rebecca, and no statements to the press unless I personally release them.
We are on a media lockdown.
Where is Ed with the file? Ed! I'm sorry, Miss Knope, I lost the file.
- It's gone.
- Ed, you're a nice guy, but you're the most incompetent person I've ever word with, and that includes Terry.
Jeez! Get it together, Terry.
Clean out your desk.
You're fired.
I understand.
Thank you for the literally hundreds of opportunities you've given me.
Good-bye, everyone.
It's been a great three years.
Cancel my flight to South Dakota.
We'll do it next month.
- Babe, what's our play here? - Everyone's waiting downstairs in my office.
Let's just go hear what they have to say.
But honey, tonight's your big night.
No, this is more important.
Where are the kids? - Right here.
- Hey, guys! Mommy and daddy had to do a little work, and you're gonna have a fun play date with Uncle Andy - and Aunty April, okay? - Let's go, munchkins.
I forgot, Ben how many bags of marshmallows do I give them? None! Just let April do everything.
One day, in the distant future, things will be calm and normal, right? Probably not.
But that's okay.
- You ready? - Not at all.
But that's never stopped us before.