Bewitched (1964) s06e22 Episode Script

Hi, little cousin! Serena.
You made me lose my spoon.
I'll get it for you.
Thanks a lot.
What kind of potion are you brewing? - Beef stew for tonight's dinner.
- How dreary.
Don't bother asking me to join you.
- Don't worry.
- Because I am dining in Paris at Maxim's.
I'm impressed.
Oh, Cousin, I have been travelling in high society.
As a matter of fact, I have just been elected entertainment chairman of the Cosmos Cotillion.
Really? Who rigged the election? I did.
Sam, I'm home.
Serena, if you're flying to Paris, hadn't you better fly? I have plenty of time.
I'm not due for 20 minutes.
Besides, I'd like to stay and say hello to tall, dark and mortal.
I'd rather you wouldn't.
Thanks, I'd love to.
Hi there, Cuz-in-law.
Well, Serena, what an unexpected shock.
Well, look who you brought with you.
Little Peter Cottontop.
- Hi, Serena.
- Hi.
- Sam.
- Hi, Larry.
How are you? I'm feeling great, and I owe it all to Darrin "He's-Done-lt-Again" Stephens.
What did he do this time? I just closed a deal for Breeze Shampoo, to sponsor a television special starring Boyce and Hart.
Boyce and Hart! Hey, that's great.
Who's Boyce and Hart? They're a very hot, young singing team.
They're happening.
They're now.
They're expensive.
But they're worth it.
Sam, I don't often admit my mistakes, but in this case, I must say I was totally against the idea, and Darrin went right over my head and convinced Breeze Shampoo to go after the youth market.
And now, of course, I'm backing him to the hilt.
This is their latest album.
See what you think of it.
I'd be glad to.
I meant Samantha.
You know something, Larry? Those baby blue eyes of yours kind of turn me on.
Larry, why don't we take our drinks into the den, and we can go over the details.
Larry? Serena, will you knock it off? A girl's gotta have some kicks.
Well, do your kicking elsewhere, but don't think it hasn't been nice seeing you.
Say, they're kind of cute.
If these cats are any good I may have an idea.
Cousin, we play our records on our record player.
You do your thing, I'll do mine.
Yes, I wonder What she's doing tonight Oh, I wonder what she's doing Hey! They're not bad.
They're pretty good.
I've heard enough.
- I have an idea.
- Forget it.
I am going to ask them to appear at the Cosmos Cotillion.
They'll be a smash! Oh, Serena, be logical.
Why would you want mortals to appear at the cotillion? Why not? You married one.
Why can't I hire a couple? Because some way, somehow, you're going to make trouble for Darrin.
Not only will I hire them for the cotillion, I'll let them introduce a new song I wrote.
- Serena.
- Sammy, will you stop worrying? Would I ever let you down? I wish I knew where I could make a bet on it.
If I had told her that I loved her She would've stayed till who knows when Here they come! But I guess she couldn't understand it When I said I wanna be your friend Because a friend would never doubt you Or ever put you uptight And now I wonder What she's doing tonight Oh, yes, I wonder What she's doing tonight Oh, I wonder what she's doing Tonight You know, Bob, it's unbelievable.
That's the seventeenth shirt I've lost this week.
That's nothing.
You know what happened to me this morning? - No, what? - Some fans broke into my Ferrari, and messed up my mink upholstery.
All right, don't complain.
It only proves one thing, the public loves you.
Now sit down.
I want to give you my idea for a national chain of Boyce and Hart shish kebab stands.
Step aside, ladies.
Step aside.
Excuse me.
Pardon me, people.
Excuse me.
Step aside, sweetie.
I want to see Boyce and Hart.
Sorry, ladies, no visitors unless your name is on the pass list.
Look for the name Serena.
I looked when I came on duty, and there's no Serena.
Look again.
I guess I need a new pair of orbs.
Hold it! Each skewer of shish kebab costs us 32 cents.
But we sell it for $1.
05, plus tax.
- Hi, Tommy.
Hi, Bobby.
- Who are you, and how did you get in? I'm Serena, and I have influence.
Who are you? I'm Chick Cash.
I'm the boys' personal manager and treasurer of their Swiss corporation.
- Would you like an autograph? - No, thanks.
- How about a torn shirt? - No, thanks.
- I would like you to perform at a dance.
- Where? In a place so beautiful, it is out of this world.
- And I provide the transportation.
- How much does it pay? Nothing.
In my circle, money isn't important.
In my circle, it is.
The understatement of the century.
Okay, Mr Treasurer.
You just name a price, and I'll print it.
I mean, I'll pay it.
- When is your dance being held? - A week from Saturday night.
They can't make it.
My artists are booked every single Saturday night from now until 1976.
Then do some juggling.
- It's impossible.
- I'll pay them double their normal fee.
It's a deal.
- Sweetie, may I buy you a drink? - I'll pay them triple.
As an added incentive, I'll let them sing a song I wrote.
It's better than what they've been doing.
- The title is - I should have known! Another song plugger! Serena, it's been nice meeting you, and goodbye.
Are you asking me to leave? No, I'm not asking you to leave, I'm demanding.
I see.
I guess I'll just have to show you fellas who you're fooling around with.
- Great.
- Do you leave quietly, or do we have to throw you out? I am never thrown out, and I never leave quietly.
I stalk out in a huff! And then I get revenge! I think I'll turn them into snakes.
No, on second thought, we had singing snakes at the cotillion last year.
This programme is interrupted to bring you a sigalert from Serena.
Hi, Sammy.
Hi, Dreary.
Traffic is heavy on the corner of Boyce and Hart due to an accident which is about to take place unless they straighten out.
Serena, would you mind getting out of our television set? Unless Sammy's hubby comes to their aid.
Now that you're out of our television set, would you mind getting off our carpet? Darrin, mind your manners.
Serena, what's this about Boyce and Hart? I am here on a mission of mercy.
They were rude to me.
I'm gonna hate myself for asking, but when did you see Boyce and Hart? Just now.
I asked them to entertain at the Cosmos Cotillion, and their manager kicked me out.
You asked them to entertain at the Cosmos Cotillion? - Yes.
- What's a Cosmos Cotillion? Well, it's sort of a dinner dance.
- Sam, would you sort of get her out of here? - I'll try.
That's the thanks I get for being sweet.
Sure.
The original Miss Nice Guy.
Would you rather I handle this in my own way? Or would you prefer to be the hero and tell them that you will not use them on your television show, unless they sing my song at my cotillion? Sam, will you do something before I say something? It's called I'll Blow You a Kiss in the Wind.
A little guitar, a little atmosphere, and it wails like this.
Wherever you are tonight A feeling tells me that you look out of sight So I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind And when it reaches your lips, my dear You're gonna smile and feel me oh, so near So I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind I've been laying here in my bed, yeah The images of pretty thoughts Running through my head About a guy in my mind I can feel I can almost touch Oh, my goodness, I miss you And I want you so much Wherever you are tonight I got a feeling that you look out of sight So I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind, yeah I'm gonna blow you a kiss in the wind - How do you love it? - I'll give you an unbiased opinion.
It stinks.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Cousin, may I please speak to you in private? Certainly.
Are you going to make what's-his-face disappear or shall I? Neither.
We will disappear.
Back in a minute, sweetheart.
Care for a midnight snack? No.
Want to hear more of my song, or do you think it stinks, too? Serena, I think it's terrific.
I think it's so terrific, it's too good for mortals.
So why don't you sing it yourself at the cotillion? Because the lyric cries for a male vocalist or a male group.
Do yourself a favour.
Try and find a couple of guys who aren't quite as popular as Boyce and Hart.
Say, there's an idea.
- Then I've been of some help, right? - Right.
Which rhymes with "good night.
" Wrong.
Which rhymes with "my song," which the group of my choice is going to sing at my cotillion.
I am going to make them so unpopular they'll be desperate to sing anywhere.
As the trumpets blare, let all ears smart, failures both be Boyce and Hart.
Hey, troops, what are we waiting for? That's right.
Who wants to see a couple of bums like Boyce and Hart? Yeah! Oh, Serena, you little dickens! You are definitely where it's at.
Good morning, Samantha.
Has Darrin left yet? No, he's just finishing breakfast.
Well, if he can still eat, he hasn't seen weekly Variety.
What's the matter? You look worried.
I'm not worried.
Let's say I'm petrified.
- Hi, Larry.
Something up? - No, something's down.
Did you see today's edition of weekly Variety? - No, not yet.
- Well then, read it and weep.
- "Boyce and Hart, here today, gone today.
" - What does that mean? Well, the general idea is, Boyce and Hart have taken a nosedive.
They haven't sold a record in three days.
And booking agents all over the country have cancelled their concerts.
And at a meeting of their national fan club, Boyce and Hart photographs were burnt in effigy.
But why? It doesn't say, but I have a theory.
So have I.
- Why didn't you listen to me? - When? When I expressed unswerving opposition to putting those hippies on television.
You didn't express unswerving opposition.
When I made the deal, you were thrilled.
That's right.
I heard you right here in this very room.
Well, I may have been thrilled in this very room, but in my heart I was unswervingly opposed.
Undoubtedly, when this reaches the executives of Breeze Shampoo, they'll cancel the special and the account.
The way things look now, a show with Boyce and Hart won't sell their product, it'll cause a boycott.
But the way things look now aren't the way things looked then.
And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon.
Because sometimes things don't always look like what they look like.
Samantha, that was a brave attempt to get Darrin off the hook.
It has no logic, but it was a brave attempt.
Darrin, I sincerely hope you can get yourself out of the mess you got yourself into.
I'm afraid even my genius can't save your neck this time.
Sorry, Sam.
Speaking of necks, would you ask Serena if she's available to attend a lynching? Hers.
You know very well that Serena is not going to show up if you're going to be nasty.
Me? Nasty? Sam, how could she do such a thing? Well, she probably wanted revenge.
Against Boyce and Hart for rejecting her offer? Yes.
And against you for telling her, her song stinks.
Serena! Serena? Serena.
Had any concert offers lately, Chick? - Nightclubs? - Weddings? - Bar mitzvahs? - Nothing.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to start pawning your gold records.
Hi, gang.
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
Cutest little song-plugger east of Motown.
Mr Cashman, I came to see if by some wild chance you might have reconsidered my offer to let your clients sing at my dance.
I take it you don't read Variety.
- When is your dance? - Tonight.
At the price we agreed? Five times their normal fee? We agreed on three times their normal fee.
Right.
I thought it was five, but I'll give you a break.
And they could use the exposure.
Well, what time do you want them and where do they go? We will leave here at 8:00, alone.
And here is a copy of the song I would like them to sing.
- I'll Blow You a Kiss in the Wind.
- Words and music by Serena.
What are all those black marks? Beats me.
They're notes.
Don't you two read music? - I do, he doesn't.
- I do, he doesn't.
Oh, well.
I'll explain it to you tonight when we rehearse.
You're cute.
Cute! Larry, would you mind screaming more quietly? That's better.
Now did Breeze Shampoo just cancel the special or their account? They cancelled both.
And I said I didn't blame them.
But they can't do that.
We have a verbal contract.
Darrin, a verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
News bulletin.
Your son and daughter are sound asleep.
That's nice.
Now would you see if your cousin is available to be strangled? Right.
We just lost Breeze Shampoo.
In the wind Well, it's almost 8:00.
Shall we go over the song again? I don't think so.
We've already done it twice.
- No use getting stale on it.
- Well, all right, fellas.
You ready? - Lead the way.
- We'll follow you anywhere.
- Now I want you both to close your eyes.
- What for? I'm going to take you on a long, long trip.
- A trip? On what? - On a magic carpet.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
Now, close your little eyes.
Go on.
Don't peek.
Open your eyes.
- Where are we? - Never mind that.
How did we get here? It's called the Cosmos Club.
Isn't it heavenly? Darrin, I've been trying to reach her for three days, but you know how stubborn she can be.
Rotten's the word.
I wish you'd at least try to be nice.
That was the nicest word I could think of.
Well, anyway, I know where to reach her tonight.
At the Cosmos Cotillion.
Hey, maybe you'd like to come with me.
After all, it's Saturday night.
- We could get all dressed up - Sam.
- Well? - Good luck, sweetheart.
Back in a minute.
Thank you, thank you, galaxy groovers.
As your entertainment chairman, it is my bag to present the most unique and unusual acts possible.
Tonight I am gonna lay on you two swinging mortal singers, performing for the very first time, my brand-new, all-time hit.
I give you Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart.
Wherever you are tonight A feeling tells me that you look out Okay, Serena.
Fun and games are over.
Let's send those howling hippies back to Earth.
I will, just as soon as they finish my song.
And when it reaches your lips, my dear You're gonna smile and feel me oh, so near So I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind I've been laying here in my bed Pretty images and pretty thoughts Running through my head About a girl in my mind I can feel I can almost touch Oh my goodness, I miss you And I want you so much Wherever you are tonight I got a feeling that you look out of sight So I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind I'm gonna blow you a kiss In the wind Oh, they loved it! Sing it again! Sing it again! Serena, remove your spell.
How about just one more chorus? Then you holler, "Author, author!" No! You send them back to earth immediately and make them popular again.
And while you're at it, make them not remember where they were, before I begin to get mad.
Okay.
Back from the cosmos to your planet, your career as bright as since you began it.
Forget where you were and what you did to keep my cousin from flipping her lid.
Thank you, Cuz.
You're welcome, Cuz.
Cotillion pooper.
- Are you all right, man? - I think so.
- Oh, great.
You didn't leave yet.
- That's what you think.
Now listen.
When Serena gets here, don't go with her.
- Why not? - We don't need her.
On my way to dinner, I got five telephone offers for you in my car.
- So book us in your car.
- Don't be so smart.
I think I've pulled you out of your slump.
But don't bother to thank me.
That's what managers are for.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.
How were all the guys and gals in the cosmos? Fine.
Did they sing Serena's song? And everyone loved it.
And since that's what she wanted in the first place, she was very cooperative about solving your problem in the second place.
- What'd she do? - She removed her spell.
Before you know it, Boyce and Hart will be bigger than ever.
And so will you with Breeze Shampoo.
That sounds like a slogan.
It's an apology.
An apology for what? The occasional trouble my family causes you.
Occasional? Okay, frequent.
Frequent? Okay, constant.
But it does make life interesting, doesn't it? Okay, forget it.