Black-ish (2014) s06e22 Episode Script

There's nothing quite like the relationships you have with your siblings.
And as an older brother, I took looking after my little sister seriously.
I'm not the one who needs to know about square roots right now.
I got my high school diploma, Rhonda.
When you get yours, you can forget about math, too.
Yo, Dre! We gonna be late to Freaknik! Hey, man, them freaks can wait! I'm saving my sister! No, Rhonda, I don't think it's smart to buy four houses with no money down.
You think they're gonna give the first Black president a strong economy? Not now.
I'm saving my sister.
And my looking out for my sister carries on to this day.
A few weeks ago, she and her wife, Sharon, split up.
Look, I know it's hard, but you'll get through this.
Hey, this is what you do have a glass of wine.
It'll relax you.
You know what? I'll join you.
I'm on my way.
- Hey, Bow! - Yeah? DVR "Madam Secretary"! I'm gonna go save my sister! And as she pulls her life together, I'll continue to be there in whatever way she needs.
Okay, okay.
Hey, guys, guys, cut off the movie.
Rhonda says she has some news she wants to share.
Hey, everybody! Big news I'm adopting.
What? You're getting a dog? No.
A baby.
Okay, Rhonda.
A baby dog is called a puppy.
Dre, I'm adopting a baby human.
I'm gonna be a mom.
Oh, my God! Rhonda? A mom? Once again, I needed to save my sister.
Rhonda! Hey, Rhonda! We are planning your shower, and we're not gonna take "no" for an answer.
Well, I hope so.
After all the baby gifts I got you, I would be offended if you didn't.
Then it's settled! Oh, I'm so excited! We're gonna have so much to talk about! Uh, yeah, we're gonna definitely keep talking about this.
All right, you guys, more soon, all right? I love you.
- Bye, Rhonda! - Bye! Look at God! Another grandbaby.
Can't come soon enough.
These ones are starting to get old.
I didn't know Rhonda wanted to adopt.
I wonder what kind Rhonda's gonna get.
Chinese? Korean? One of those Romanians who turns out to be a full-grown adult? Come on, Grandma.
Let's go talk about what we're not gonna say.
What? God, you can't say nothing.
I can't believe Rhonda is about to be a mom.
A mom with a baby.
A baby with Rhonda for a mama.
Rhonda the Baby Mama! Um what are you doing? - Nothing.
Just stating the facts.
- Mm.
Uh, bizarre, mistakes-are-being-made facts.
Where did this come from? Look, I get why she's excited, but I also know when my sister's about to jump into something that she can't handle.
What makes you think she can't handle this? She bought a motorcycle last year, Bow.
What expectant mother buys a motorcycle? And on top of that, she just split from her wife two seconds ago.
This is a rebound baby.
A "rebound baby" is not a thing.
Rhonda is a rebound baby.
It was 1984.
The Olympics were in Los Angeles, and everyone was full of fever.
Nine months later boom! Rhonda Joyner-Kersee Johnson was born.
Did you send us a calendar invite? Oh.
Yeah.
I wanted to tell you what we're doing for Aunt Rhonda's baby shower gift.
Slow your roll, playboy.
Diane and I have been thinking.
We want to be in charge of this gift.
When it comes to decisions in this family, - we never get a say.
- Mm.
Okay.
What's your big idea? We're gonna curate our cousin's whole wardrobe.
Buying clothes for a baby is like buying caviar for a horse.
Trust me you're gonna want to get something that will last to mid-toddlerhood.
I'm talking strollers.
- Any specific - The BabyJet 2800.
Fine.
So we'll get the stroller.
- Easy.
- Yeah.
What, you think you can just get the stroller? You can't even sniff the 2800 if you're not verified on Instagram.
Luckily, I've already got a few leads.
My old high school field hockey co-captain - works at a - I can't do this.
Come on.
We want to get Aunt Rhonda the best gift, and, like it or not, we need him.
Fine.
We can work together.
But we get all the credit.
Your name doesn't go on the card.
Every time I see the smile on that baby's face as she glides down the street on those 24s that'll be my reward.
Hey! I see you're out here working on my baby girl's shower.
- Yep.
- Can you believe I have a child who's old enough to be a mother? - Hey! - Very much so.
Hey, I could really use your help.
Do you want to start stuffing the gift bags? Pass.
- Could you clean up in the liv - Nope.
Could you make the tags for the wishing tree? Wishes are just miracles for sinners.
Yeah, okay.
Sorry I asked.
I think the best way for me to contribute is to just be here for Rhonda.
We can bond over shading your underwhelming baby shower.
Thank you for giving my daughter and I this gift.
This baby is so lucky they're not getting her genes.
Nah! Okay, you open up.
Hey, Dre, I got the baby picture that Bow asked me for.
All right.
He is so cute, Dre.
Yeah, he's all right now.
You should've been here 20 minutes ago, when he dumped those Cheerios on his head.
Hey, being a parent is a lot of work.
I bet it is, but I'm pretty prepared.
I know you are, and that's why I believe in you, all right? But you're gonna miss some things, though.
Sleep.
Not a lot of that as a parent.
Is that why you're always sleeping on the couch every time I come around? Being a parent is like cramming for a test that never comes.
And it gets expensive fast.
Formula is 35 bucks a tub.
That's more than a bottle of that cupcake-flavored vodka that you like.
I know what I'm getting myself into, Dre.
For sure, and that's why I believe in you.
But single motherhood? That's taking it to a whole nother level.
There's a reason that rappers thank their mamas before God at the Grammys.
What are you getting at, Dre? I wouldn't be doing my job as a brother if I didn't tell you the truth.
This it ain't all that great.
Hey, d-don't get me wrong.
I mean, he's cool.
And while I believe in you and I know that you can handle this you can't handle this.
What? Look, I just think you should take a beat.
All right? I don't think you need to get a baby right now.
Get a fish and see if you can keep it alive.
Do you know how out of bounds you are right now? I'm just saying.
You just went through a divorce.
You moved into a new apartment.
I don't want to see you complicate your life.
- Luckily, you don't have to, Dre.
- Hmm? Because that's not your decision to make.
So I'm gonna leave here before I burn this house down.
Uh See? Now you sound like Mama.
- Hey, Super Dad.
- Yeah? Your son got out of his booster seat.
What? Devante! - Dre! - On the patio.
Oh, oh, there you are.
Hey, hey, hey.
Can you help me get all the party stuff out of the car? I don't want to brag, but this baby shower is going to kick all other baby showers in the baby maker.
Here's the thing.
I don't think there's gonna be a shower.
I think she thinks I think she's not ready to have a baby because I told her so.
- Why would you do that? - What was I supposed to do? I'm her big brother.
I had to tell her how I feel.
- Did you, Dre? - I Because the other option is for you to support the decisions that your sister makes about her own life.
But I'm terrified for her, Bow! She She's not ready.
Oh, God, Dre.
No one's ready to have a baby.
No one.
Do you remember how scared we were when we first got pregnant with Zoey? Oh.
The condom snap heard 'round the world.
We were so unprepared, but we made it work with what little we had.
Sweetheart, I know you're anxious, but every time that you have been worried about Rhonda in the past, it's what's made you step up to support her.
And if there's ever a time that she needs me Exactly! Your niece or nephew is going to need you, too.
Dre you're gonna be Uncle Dre.
- I've always wanted to be an uncle! - Yes.
It's way less work than being a daddy.
You know, it's all the fun parts, - without the responsibility.
- Oh, yeah.
You know what? I've been looking at this wrong the entire time.
Being an uncle could be the best thing that ever happened to me.
And Rhonda! Mm, I wouldn't go that far.
No, Bow, I'm her footprints in the sand! If Rhonda's gonna do this alone, she's gonna need me to be a positive influence.
I'm gonna need to be the uncle that makes sure they have everything they need! So, what are we doing for dinner? Oh! Uncle Dre is taking you to Dave & Buster's.
Wait.
Really? No.
I'm your daddy.
Go make a sandwich.
Can you make one for me, too? He's 10 minutes late.
He'll be here.
Ricky always had my back, on and off the field hockey field.
Oh, snap.
Okay.
Here it is the 2800.
You are really doing me a solid, bro.
Hold up.
This box feels light.
Aluminum light.
Bro, did you take me to dinner? What? I said, did you take me to dinner? No? Then why are you trying to screw me? - Oh.
- Ooh.
Go back and get me the 2800.
Okay.
Yeah.
Write down the date, Jack.
Today, I'm actually impressed with Junior.
Yeah.
You got to get up pretty early to pull one over on a man who reads Stroller Illustrated.
Wh Scratch that date, Jack.
I never wrote it down.
The day of the shower, I wasn't just playing my role as world's greatest host, but I was making my debut as world's greatest uncle.
- Hey, babe, thank you.
- Yeah? - This is beautiful! - Thanks.
You know, I never knew that yellow and gray - was the color combo that I wanted.
- Mm-hmm.
But it turns out it's the color combo that I needed.
Okay, my inspiration was the first day of spring in the Carolinas.
Okay.
Have you even been to the Carolinas? - Yes, I - Muggy and buggy.
No, thank you.
Now, where's Rhonda? I want to see how many times we can wrap this around her belly.
Ruby, no, no, no! No.
First of all, Rhonda is not pregnant, and this is not that kind of shower, okay? We're not gonna be doing any toilet-based activities.
And where is this coming from? I thought we agreed that I was planning the shower.
Rainbow, I don't have to be the magician to bring the magic.
Speaking of magic, I gotta go fill a plastic bosom with some jelly beans.
No! Wait, Ruby, no bosom! Oh.
They've come a long way.
Ahh, there she is, the mother-to-be of the year.
Wow.
This is beautiful.
Thank you.
I did it all myself.
For you.
I'm always there for you, like I've always been whatever you need.
- Thanks, bro.
- Okay, just say it, and I'll do it.
No ask is too big.
No job is too small.
- Okay.
Well - All right.
I just kind of want to greet my friends at the door.
- Okay, well, let me help you with that - No, I got it! - I got it! I got it.
- Okay! Okay! I can reel it back in.
- I'll reel it back in.
Okay.
- Thank you so much.
Ohh.
There you are.
Okay.
All right.
Enjoy.
All right.
Tell Speedy I said hey.
Hey! How are you? Thank you for coming.
Hi.
I'm Stella.
I'm Dre, Rhonda's brother, but you can call me Uncle Dre.
Just kidding.
You don't have to call me that.
But the kid will.
We are so excited for Rhonda to be a mom.
She's already so on top of things.
She aced her infant safety class, and her new apartment is in such a good school district.
You know what's an even better school district? Private school! Oh, hey, babe! - Hey.
Hi, Stella.
- Hey.
Hey, I thought Rhonda had her heart set on public school.
- No.
No.
The baby's gonna be a Johnson - Oh! and we Johnsons go to Valley Glen Prep.
- Mm! - Rhonda said that? Ah, well, you know, just want to make sure little baby LaKeef has the best education possible.
I think you're kinda getting ahead of yourself there, babe.
Oh, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Could be a girl.
Baby LaKeefa is gonna have the best education possible.
- Welcome!! - Oh, my You must be Rhonda's mom.
Can I grab you a drink? Oh, sweetie, I'm flattered, but, uh I'm heterosexual.
However, if you're interested in identifying melted candy bars in diapers, - the game is starting in five minutes.
- Okay.
Okay.
Hi! I'm so glad you came! Have you stopped by the wishing tree? Oh, I wish you would.
It's over there.
Okay.
Ruby, this is my shower.
Okay? And nobody's gonna eat out of diapers.
I've already microwaved the candy bars, okay? This train has no brakes.
Now, just come on! Coming through.
Excuse me.
Biggest gift at the party.
If you're feeling bad, you should.
You got shown up by children! Oh, man, look at all these small, stupid gifts! It's like they don't even care that Auntie Rhonda is gonna open them in front of everyone to judge and mentally rank.
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
Pretty big gift.
Hmm.
Kim and I got her a stroller.
Don't tell.
Stroller? So thoughtful! Bet it looks like a troll's hammock next to the 2800.
It was kind of a pain to get in the car, but it's the BabyJet 2900, so it's totally worth it.
There's a 2900? Oh! There's the mother of the hour.
Hey, are you having fun? I am! Hey.
I have a gift for our baby.
Look here.
It's just a little something to show you how much I care.
Thank you, Dre.
I'm gonna open presents after everyone leaves.
Ah, well, I'm not everyone, okay? Come on, open it.
- Open it, open it! - Okay, I'm opening.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
You got me a live-in nanny? Yes, paid in full for a whole year.
You can make all the baby mistakes you want, and they won't matter.
Bam! You have been Uncle Dre'd.
I don't need a nanny.
Eh, trust me.
You do.
No.
I don't.
And I don't need you taking control of the situation.
- I'm just trying to - No.
You don't believe that I can actually do this by myself.
Dre, lesbians just don't have babies by accident.
- Okay.
- You know how many hoops I had to jump through in order to get this far in the adoption process? Everyone has signed off but you.
Hey.
Hey.
But I support you.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, hey, Rhonda, I got your back.
- Yeah, okay.
Eh.
- O-O-Okay? Hey, don't throw your hand up at me, like you're Mom.
Ehh! I'm your footprints in the sand! Uh seems as if Rhonda doesn't want to open up her gifts right now, so, uh peace out.
Well if she's not gonna open them in front of everybody, I mean Respect.
You know, I can't believe Rhonda rejected my gift after all I did for her.
And I can't believe I'm married to a man who has managed to turn a PTA meeting, a NASA launch, and a baby shower into being about himself.
What? I just don't get what Rhonda wants from me.
You know, I tell her what I really think, and she's mad.
I-I-I-I support her fully, and she's still mad.
She's a child.
She's not a child.
She's in her mid-30s, Dre.
Come on.
I would've remembered if my sister turned 30.
It was five years ago.
She had an escape room party.
You refused to go.
What Black man pays to be locked up? I can't believe my sister's old enough to run for president.
That can't be right.
You know what, Dre? I know what you're going through.
I remember when Santamonica had her first wedding.
I was like, "How could she be getting married? What? She still sleeps with a night light.
" You know, when I see Rhonda, all I see is the little kid whose mistakes I still have to clean up.
Maybe she doesn't need you to do that anymore, Dre.
Look, you don't have to stop being her older brother.
Maybe it's time for you to just stop treating her like your baby sister.
Yeah.
Maybe she can handle more than what I give her credit for.
Dre, I don't think your mom has ever been to a baby shower before.
Do you know that she hired male strippers for a lesbian baby shower? Ooh! These baby shower leftovers are no joke.
I ate 14 deviled eggs.
The curry ones were my favorite.
They were all the same.
You ate spoiled eggs.
Hey, guys.
I just wanted to apologize.
I was re-reading Hill Harper's "Letters to an Older Brother," and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I had failed you.
No way.
As much as I love a morning grovel, you saved the day.
You switched the cards.
Even I didn't think of that.
I was just gonna throw their box in the fire pit.
Well, you guys wanted to make a name for yourselves, and I totally took it over.
Picking out outfits for your new baby cousin is the kind of personal touch Aunt Rhonda would've really appreciated.
Junior, you do a lot for us.
For everybody.
Yeah.
I mean, without you, Mom and Dad would not be able to handle Devante.
It's true.
The other day, I caught them arguing about whether or not Devante has a capital "V" in his name.
Is there? There's not.
Oh.
Okay.
Am I the only one in this family who cares about that child? Hey, Rhonda.
What, are you here to tell me how to put together this crib? Nope.
Not at all.
But, uh, I can help.
What you got there? Okay, that's a Oh, what's this, 1/4"? Ah.
5/16".
Yeah, there you go.
I don't know what I'm doing.
No.
Bow always puts together the baby cribs.
Figured.
Your Timbs are nonfunctional.
Ah.
You know what? I owe you an apology, Rhonda.
You know, every time I see you, I just see younger versions of you laid on top of who you are now, and that's not fair.
You know, I still remember when they brought you home from the hospital.
And when you were little, I remember you couldn't say your R's, so you always called me "Dwe.
" I still look at you as my big brother with the Jheri curl.
Why was it so dry? Okay, you know what? Curl activator was expensive.
Okay? You know, this kid doesn't know it yet, but he or she is going to win the lotto when they get you as a mom.
You know, it's something I've always wanted.
Unfortunately, Sharon was not on board.
Is that why you guys split? Because she didn't want to have kids? Yeah.
What'd you think? I I don't know, you know? I thought maybe she just kept taking your bras or something.
I don't know.
Seriously, do you have any gay friends? Okay.
Yeah, Sharon she wanted things to stay the same, but I knew I was meant to be a mom.
And you're going to be a great mother.
Thank you.
Aww, you're welcome, sis.
Thank you, Uncle Dwe.
- Uncle Dwe! - Ooh! I'm gonna be an uncle! You keep it about me right now.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
But just know I'm gonna be here with you every step of the way, so whatever you need, I got you.
Uncle/godfather.
Now, what makes you think you're gonna be the godfather? Who else is it gonna be? Junior! Junior's gonna be the godfather? - Yeah.
- Godfather Junior? Mm.
Makes sense.
He is the only one who hasn't lost Devante.
- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
Hey, Junior! I just got off the phone with Auntie Rhonda, and she is over the moon about that stroller you got her.
It is so hard to get those things! It was nothing.
I mean, yes, it was incredibly difficult and objectively a show-stopper, but, you know, it was nothing.
Sweetheart, don't sell yourself short.
The 2900?! Mm-hmm.
You really must've had to pull some strings, huh? I mean, you don't get to be a godfather without greasing a few palms along the way.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, you know what I thought was weird, though? That you would spend all that energy getting that stroller and then have it engraved with "From Stella & Kim.
" I'm not gonna be the godfather now, am I? I think I'm the Godfather now.