Scrubs s06e22 Episode Script

J.
D.
: It felt good to be holding the mother of my child.
This is nice.
But given recent events, cuddling was as far as I was gonna go.
Kim and I had to get to know each other again and build trust and Oh, my God, is that side-boob? Careful with the side-boob, big guy.
My hormones are going crazy.
I might just pounce your skinny ass.
- Kim, I really don't think we should.
- I won't, then.
I got a giant boogie in my nose.
Look at her saying "I won't" with a giant boogie in her nose.
I must have her.
You know what, on second thought Yes? Still, I wonder what it'll be like having sex with a pregnant woman.
That was so cool.
And weird! Yeah, somebody else liked it, too.
He's going crazy in there.
And now it's disgusting.
J.
D.
: The next three weeks flew by.
We stayed up nights talking.
We got the place ready for a baby.
And before you knew it, we were a couple again.
Bye.
Bye, Sammy.
Now that Elliot's wedding was only a week away, things were getting tense.
I just don't understand why our families can't sit at the same table.
Keith, it's impossible to fit all the Dudemeisters at one table without our wedding looking like Oktoberfest.
Plus, when our families met last month, my mom ended up doinking your Uncle Ronald in our basement.
Uncle Ronald and Aunt Alicia have been together for 30 years.
Yeah, welcome to my family, Keith.
Look, I know that I'm being a bridezilla, so to make it up to you, here's a kiss with extra tongue.
Okay, now go try on that tux that I picked out for you.
Chop-chop! Quick like a bunny! Hey! And you, you're the only one that hasn't RSVPed to my wedding yet.
- What the hell? - I didn't know I was invited.
But I sent your invitation to That's the address of The Addams Family.
I changed my records to mess with Kelso because he's always calling me Lurch.
It was either that or 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
The Munsters.
TV show? I'm old.
So, can you make it? You crazy? I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Thank you.
Not a big hugger, but There we go.
There it is.
J.
D.
: Things weren't as heartwarming everywhere.
Dr.
Cox wasn't exactly super-psyched about me being his daughter's godfather.
Jordan, here are some things I'd rather see happen than dinkus over there becoming the godfather.
A nuclear war, a sequel to Hope Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar Yeah, yeah, funny long list.
We get it.
- You need a new thing, big guy.
- Oh.
Sweetie, why would I get rid of him as godfather when you keep letting me know how much it bothers you? It's like he's never met you.
- Right? - And I love Hope Floats.
Anyone that's going to the christening Not you.
It's at the hospital chapel.
J.
D.
: And then Jordan pushed Dr.
Cox over the edge by calling their daughter, little Jennifer Dylan, this.
Okay, come on, J.
D.
- Dr.
Cox.
- Leave.
Yes.
That goes for everyone.
All living things.
J.
D.
: This might not blow over.
(GROANS) Gotta hurt someone.
It's amazing how some couples are so close that they can finish each other's sentences.
So, there we were, hottest day of the year At the beach and we're both wearing jeans.
Isn't that crazy? - Guess who we run into? - Also in jeans.
It was Dr.
J, Kim, and unless you want to hear about this for the next hour, please change the subject.
Okay, my lease is up on my apartment in Washington, and my OB said that my mucus plug is holding firm, and that's all I've got.
Why don't you just give up that apartment? You said it's so small.
Plus, I think it'd be fun if the baby was around here for a few months.
Okay, I'll give it up.
Incidentally, that's not the first time she's said that today, if you know what I'm talking about.
- I know what you're talkin' about.
- I hit it and I hit it good.
- Yes, you did.
- Rowdy-style.
We have to look out for that belly.
It's dangerous.
Listen, I have a video that you might be a little interested in watching.
- J.
D.
: Are you sure I would? - Welcome to my world.
- Tell me about it.
- TURK: Okay, so it starts Babe, I like this tuxedo more than the one you picked out.
Yeah, it looks really great, Keith, you know, if you plan on sawing me in half at the altar and yelling, "Abracadabra.
" But it's comfortable.
You think that I'm gonna be comfortable in my five-inch heels and my rib-crushing corset and my nipple tape? There will be no poppers in my wedding photos, Keith.
Look, you have to remember this is probably the only time that all of our closest friends and our family are gonna be all together in the same room.
So this wedding really isn't about us, okay? - Okay.
- It's about me! Now, come on, focus.
There's no "U" in wedding, huh? This is Mr.
Cole.
He's in a persistent vegetative state and was admitted with community-acquired pneumonia.
It's most likely related to aspiration given his prior phrenic nerve paralysis.
- His doctor's creepy.
- That's his wife.
Right, right.
Men, I've gathered the brain trust because I have been invited to Blonde Doctor's wedding.
Now, none of you guys should feel bad because you weren't invited.
It doesn't mean she doesn't like you.
It just means that you're not one of her favorite 385 people.
- I couldn't make it anyway.
- You gotta have a cutoff somewhere.
Now, what I need from you is gift ideas.
Impress me.
You could check their registry and get her some nice linens.
Or I could check the boring and get her some boring boring.
What the hell does that mean? Oh, you know what I got my mom that she really loved? That weird birth-control thing that they sew under your arm skin.
Okay, highly disturbing, but you're thinking outside the box.
Oh, yeah! What's going on, guys? I didn't get beeped on my special brain trust pager.
This is awkward.
Look, Doug, I'm only comfortable with a three-man brain trust, and right now I'm giving Lloyd here a tryout.
I'm gonna have to ask for the pager back.
Thanks, kid.
(SOBS) You can still come to the picnic.
There you go, Lloyd.
There's your pager.
Your idea? There's this amazing house on my delivery route with all kinds of valuable stuff and no alarm.
- We could rob it.
- I'm gonna need that back.
Hold on to this for a little while.
So, it turns out my hospital in Tacoma won't grant me more than a six-week leave of absence.
So, just look for a job here.
I'd love to have my kid in the same city.
Plus, Kelso hates the urologist he hired to replace you.
KIM: Are you sure? Hey, I love being the new urologist here, but I'm having some trouble with my peers.
Get it, "pee-ers"? God, I hate you.
I'm pretty sure.
All right, I'll check it out.
Raj, Rerun.
Okay, Tina, here is what I am prepared to offer you to relinquish the post of godfather Not interested.
Effective immediately, I will stop calling you girls' names.
You interested now? I'm still here, aren't I? Be strong, you can get more.
Good thinking.
What else you got, Per-Per? I'll give you my real pager number.
I'll be able to page him 24l7! - No deal.
- What are you doing? (GRUNTS) Put a cherry on top.
One hug.
Per week.
- Decade.
- Month.
- Year.
- Done.
You're welcome.
J.
D.
: And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.
Wait a minute.
If I agree to that, I only get that stuff until you retire, but if I'm godfather, I'm in your life forever.
I'll see you at the christening.
I think this time, I'm actually gonna kill him.
Yup, this is the one.
Babe, should the valets at our reception wear green or red vests? Doesn't matter.
Why didn't you just pick one? Because I want every detail of our wedding to be exactly the way you want it.
I have never loved you more than I do at this moment.
And I want them to wear green.
Forest, not lime.
Got it.
How did you get him to be like that? Did you do that thing all guys want us to do but we swore we'd never do? I didn't have to.
He just loves me.
Why, did you? I'm saving that bullet for a diamond tennis bracelet.
By the way, Frank's breathing was labored, so I suctioned his airway.
Mrs.
Cole, I have to say, I am blown away by how you're taking care of your husband, especially after two years.
Is it hard to make yourself do it every day? No.
We were married 19 years before his accident.
You're getting married, you understand that kind of love.
Sorry, my husband has a little eye gunk.
Okay, I've got something we can't give her permanently, but I can guarantee she'll enjoy it while she has her hands on it.
No! Preemptive strike on the sex joke.
Take a time-out.
What about a nice tour in the wine country? Oh, Doug, now you're just embarrassing yourself.
I still don't know what I did.
You're old news, bro.
Just go.
Okay, maybe I didn't make myself clear.
I don't want to give Blonde Doctor just a "thing," you know? I wanted her married life to be full of joy.
I want to give her happiness.
Well, that's not really up to us.
It's up to him.
We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Lloyd, give me those glasses.
Say that again, exactly the same way.
We can't control what kind of husband he'll be.
Or can we? Dorian, tell your baby mama she can have her job back.
By the way, I think it's hilarious that you trust her again.
I know, sir, I got your e-mail.
Well, I'm off to my thinking spot to put the finishing touches on my "goddad" speech.
A word of advice, bring your hankies.
You can't do this to me.
Perry, I didn't do this to torture you.
I asked Nancy No-chin to be the godfather because I know deep down you really care about him and you know that he would be an excellent godfather for our little girl.
I'll do anything.
Here's what I want.
When I buy matching outfits, you and Jack, you have to wear them.
And I get to go on one movie date with the maitre d' at that new Italian restaurant we go to.
And no asking "What happened?" After I go.
Done.
May I go now? Yeah.
J.
D.
: Let's see, what rhymes with "baptism"? Faptism, raptism, naptism.
I'm so tired I could use a naptism.
(CHUCKLING) And there's my opening joke.
I should write down "pause for laugh," so I don't forget to.
You, you're out as godfather! How did he find my thinking spot? I can't believe who they picked to be the new godfather.
Look at him over there, all smug and cocky.
Doody! Doody to you, sir.
Is that blood on your scrubs? Yeah, I just got out of surgery! What, you gonna get all up in Jesus' face 'cause he don't have his shirt on? Perry, we forgot to pick out a godmother.
(BAB Y COOING) Who wants to be the godmother? Put your hand down.
Carla, would you do the honors? Yes.
- Oh, that's bull - Shhh! - Rabbi? - Father.
Don't care.
Hit it.
When we think of baptism, we think of commitment.
For when a couple decides to bring a child into the world or share their lives together J.
D.
: It's amazing how quickly panic can set in.
Like panic over whether or not you love your fiancé enough.
I've got some gunk in my eye.
Can you get it out for me? Or panic over suddenly finding yourself in too deep.
KIM: Look at them.
Mom, dad and baby.
That's gonna be us.
Look, Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful, esteemed bulldog of a lawyer.
Or you can talk to Ted, who, well My mom calls me "Thunder.
" I'll go with the less shiny one.
Tough break, Thunder.
You're not my mom, Jim! You're not my mom! Okay Sorry, Kim, I know I said I'd come straight home, but I got stuck covering a shift.
Oh, no problem.
I'll wait up for you.
And you know that half glass of wine my doctor says I'm allowed every night? I'm gonna hold off until you get here because it makes me super randy.
Can't wait.
J.
D.
: I really didn't have to cover a shift.
I just needed some time alone.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Hiding from my significant other due to a massive panic attack over the life-altering commitment I'm about to make.
- You? - Same.
I told Keith that I was working tonight.
He already went home.
Good night.
Actually, your night's just begun.
I'm getting married in a week.
A week! I mean, what was I thinking being engaged for two months? My mom was engaged for three years.
She had time to soul-search, to figure out if this was right, to sail around the world with an insatiable Pakistani oil baron.
Why was I in such a hurry? Oh, wait, I'll answer that for you.
Because I'm the biggest idiot in the whole entire world.
Really, Elliot, the biggest? Because a few weeks ago, I got back together with a woman who lied to me about being pregnant with my child.
You should also note that even though I promised myself I was gonna take it slow, I convinced her to give up her apartment, quit her job, move in with me and start workin' here.
Why? I don't know.
I'm just realizing right now that I did all that.
I just wish there was a test I could take to tell me if I'm doing the right thing.
I mean, look at Turk and Carla.
They're so meant to be together.
You spend one minute with them and you know that.
They just have this amazing give and take.
Don't you love this tennis bracelet? That was awesome.
I'm going through the same thing you are, except I'm also having a baby.
So, imagine your situation multiplied by What's a fair number, a hundred billion? Why is it so important to you that your freak-out is bigger than mine? I'm a story-topper, Elliot.
You know that about me.
When I was a kid, I had a friend like that who drove me crazy.
When I was a kid, I also had a friend like that, except he snapped and started playing "hide the peanut butter" with my dog, Whiskers.
You, my friend, have just been story-topped.
I will kill you.
How am I supposed to handle a relationship and a kid at the same time? I don't know.
Dr.
Cox and Jordan are totally dysfunctional, but they seem to make it work.
Wow, you guys look great! I'm gonna get the photographer.
Jordan, I hate this! Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
Up yours, Bobbo.
Yeah, up yours, Bobbo.
Outstanding.
Come.
(CHUCKLING) Okay, Incredibly Handsome Guy, you're about to marry Blonde Doctor.
My gift to her is to train you to be a good husband.
Well, I think I'm okay.
Really? Would you know what to do if she suddenly woke up and couldn't use vowels? That's ridiculous.
Is that what you're gonna say when she looks at you with those big blue eyes and cries out, "Tspwklmtsk"? Look, if I learned one thing from my parents, it's this.
The key to a good marriage is keeping your emotions bottled up until they finally explode and you have to lash out physically.
You mean, beat each other up? I mean beat yourself up.
My mother once snapped her own index finger because my father was late for church.
She dented the car, he threw himself down the stairs.
Boys, anything? Whatever you do, don't go bald! Lloyd, anything? Yeah, I'm still not sure who Elliot is.
Oh, come on, this guy sucks! The thing that freaked me out was watching this woman wipe eye gunk off her brain-dead husband.
I mean, I don't think I could spend two years wiping eye gunk off Keith's brain-dead face.
Elliot, they were married for, like, 20 years before that guy was in a coma.
I'm sure once you and Keith have that much time together you'll feel differently.
Still, maybe we're freaking out about nothing, you know? Maybe we are with the right people.
Really? I know last night Kim and I had a moment that made me think we were perfect for each other.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) This salad has beets.
Do you like beets? I hate beets.
- Me, too.
- You do? We're both beet haters.
You know, people are so passionate about beets that ELLIOT: J.
D.
! J.
D.
! A mutual hatred of beets isn't enough to base a relationship on.
I know, Elliot, but you interrupted my flashback.
After the beets conversation, I confided in Kim that I was really scared about being a doctor and being a dad at the same time, because both of those things require you to throw all of yourself into them.
And she was amazing.
She really calmed me down and made me feel good about it.
Oh.
J.
D.
: Plus, we both really hate beets.
You know, Keith is pretty incredible.
I've never felt this loved in my entire life.
Let's face it, Keith would walk through fire for me.
Yeah, I'm not walking through fire to prove my love to Elliot.
I find that a little suspect.
Still, I suppose we could switch to some role-playing.
Here's the scenario.
You have just come home from work late, Blonde Doctor made your dinner, and she is angry because you didn't call ahead.
Plus, you have brought along with you Lance, your gay ultimate Frisbee buddy, played by Todd.
I should probably take my pants off.
No, wait for your cue.
And Ted, you'll be playing Blonde Doctor.
Get into character.
Okay, falling in love with you, long blonde hair, talking very fast, talking very fast, "frick-frick.
" Okay, I'm ready.
Good.
Okay, ready and action! Todd, did you hear a cue? - It's just - That is it.
Look, the only person I have to prove my love to is Elliot, and I plan on doing that every day for the rest of my life.
We're done here.
Should we go get him? No, you heard what he just said.
He's gonna be a great husband, and you know why? Because we got him there.
Way to go, brain trust.
Hands in.
Not you, Lloyd.
You're out.
I figured.
- One, two, three, brain trust! - Brain trust! Why are you wearing scrubs? I haven't seen you in those in, like, two years.
I didn't want to get my christening dress wrinkly.
These are all I had in my locker.
I like you in scrubs.
It reminds me of when we used to date.
That was a disaster.
All of it? No.
You ever think maybe we're perfect for each other, we just have the same fatal flaw? You mean that whenever we get too close to a commitment we totally freak out and try to escape? That's what we've been doing here all night, right? (CHUCKLES) Besides, I've thought about it and there is no escaping this one.
The gifts are all here, people have bought plane tickets I'm gettin' married.
I've reached the point of no return.
You and me both.
I mean, to get out of this, I'd have to do something huge.
I'd have to go nuclear.
J.
D.
: So there we were.
Together J.
D.
: But not together.
J.
D.
: And, as always, not knowing what the hell we were doing.
Hey.
Hey.