Spin City s06e22 Episode Script

I can't believe we've worked this late all week.
I can't believe we haven't had sex in 10 days.
It's like I don't even know who I am anymore.
Well, what do you say we end that streak right now? I'm ready if you are.
Oh, I'm ready.
[YAWNS.]
This is going to be wild.
Buddy, I got moves you haven't even seen yet.
Hey, bring 'em on, 'cause I am getting hot.
I am going to rock your world.
Thank God.
I can't take this anymore.
Me neither.
That's the third night in a row we were planning to sleep together, and all we did was sleep together.
Tonight, we've got to slee together.
Keep it down.
We have been doing such a good job keeping this a secret.
We don't want to blow it.
Don't you think people can tell? No.
To pick up what's going on between us, they'd have to be some kind of sexual savant.
Something's different here.
There's a strange energy in the air.
You're imagining things.
No, I'm picking up a vibe.
There's new doinking in the office.
Stuart, that's crazy.
I sense this couple is frustrated, but there's more.
He doesn't like it when she nibbles on his ears.
And she thinks he's a sloppy kisser.
And the guy was a virgin until he was 30.
Hey, guys.
Oh, damn it, Paul, you crossed my signals.
I told you.
Everyone can tell we're into each other.
That's because we ar into each other, which makes it all the more frustrating when we're buried under this work.
We're in a new relationship.
We should be taking walks in the park, buying each other ice cream, catching salamanders down at the creek.
I haven't had a serious girlfriend since I was 9.
The only way to get out of here is if we put this budget proposal to bed.
Can you not say "bed"? It makes me think of us in a bed, and it's very distracting.
Fine.
Turn to page two.
You're killing me here.
What did I say? "Two" Which is half of four Foreplay? Charlie, you are really reaching.
Not everything has sexual undertones.
Well, governor Riley is really screwing us on this proposal! You know, if we're going to get this done, I'm going to need you to stay on top of each other.
Got it, sir.
We've got to arouse his interest, introduce him to some exciting new positions, and make sure that he leaves satisfied.
God, this is so frustrating.
If we weren't trying to keep our relationship a secret, at least we could hug.
Yeah, hugging.
That would help.
Ladies and gentlemen, the long wait and all the training have finally paid off.
I'm getting a foster baby! Oh, I'm so happy for you.
The little guy will be here any minute.
And to celebrate, I went out and got him a Tiffany rattle.
Aren't you nervous? No.
I've read every book, taken every class, watched every movie.
I will not make the same mistakes that Selleck, Danson, and guttenberg made.
Mr.
Heywood, I would like to introduce you to Sam.
Oh, my God.
Oh, he's so beautiful.
Will you be enrolling him in city hall's daycare program? Not yet.
According to chapter four of kornick's "my infant, my self," the first two weeks are crucial to bonding.
Sam's going to stay with me in my office for a while.
Oh, well, won't he be a distraction to you? No, no, I've even, uh, set up a baby monitor so I can tell what's going on in my office.
We feel very good about our placement, Mr.
Heywood.
Bye, Sam.
Oh, he's so beautiful.
Everyone, with the governor coming, I want this office running like a well-oiled machine.
People need to be focused, professional oh, baby.
Oh Hey, little baby.
Goo-goo, ga-ga.
Goo-goo-goo, ga-ga.
Look at that little babe! Charlie, come on.
Come on.
How's it going? At the end of this hallway is freedom.
At the count of three, we'll make our move.
Oh, hey, guys! Governor Riley is waiting in my office.
He'd like to discuss the proposal.
Now, he can be very demanding, so the way you handle him is you look him straight in the eye and you tell him no.
Governor.
Charlie, Caitlin.
Great to see you both again.
I've been, uh, looking through your report.
Everything looks great.
We're glad we could help you out.
Take care.
But I do have one thought.
I know this entails a lot of work, but could you give me an analysis of the port authority restructuring by tomorrow morning? Let me handle this one.
Yes, we can.
Wonderful.
Sorry about that.
Randall, you want to go grab some steaks later? How about now? [CRYING.]
Don't be concerned.
You're only upset because you're, uh Uh, tired and/or gassy.
This is a common occurrence and you should outgrow it by the time you're Oh, jeez.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Carter.
It's Paul.
I came to see Sam.
Come on in.
Sam and I are just chillin'.
Oh, my God.
Your place is a disaster.
What's that all over your face? A cleansing mask.
So, where's Stuart? Ah.
He's at Michelle's.
He was having so much fun with the baby he felt like he was ignoring her.
Ah, you made baby pictures, huh? Let me see.
No, wait! Get ready for the yum-yum train.
Choo-choo! Isn't it exciting, huh? I'm feeding Sam for the first time.
Choo oh! Ha ha ha! Isn't that cute? That's cute.
Okay, Sam, choo-choo! Oh! Ha ha ha! Careful there, careful there, Sam.
Here we go.
And Choo-ch okay, that one was on purpose.
Sam shouldn't be watching so much TV.
Hey, Carter, let me hold him for a second.
Uh, well, I don't know if that's such a good idea.
He's at the stage where he has stranger anxiety.
Oh, come on, Carter, let me just hold him for a second.
[CRYING STOPS.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Stretching.
We agreed you'd warn me so I could avert my eyes.
Just suck it up.
Oh, yeah? How would you like it if I did this? Oh, yeah? Yeah? Can you please focus? We're wasting valuable time.
In relationships, happens in the first month.
What are you talking about? Let me show you.
I've studied this extensively, and I have discovered that sexual encounters per week tend toward zero over time.
We're missing all of this.
Charlie, you need to relax.
I think the only thing that would help us relax right now no.
I didn't even finish my idea.
I'm guessing it involves us naked on this couch.
Just the last part.
Charlie, we are not going to do it in the mayor's office.
It's inappropriate.
It's against the rules.
It's forbidden.
It's naughty.
It's hot.
So your answer is no? Shut up and give me one of those sloppy kisses.
Last night was so great.
Yes, it was.
I have never done anything like that.
What do you say the two of us join the mile high club, get on a plane, sneak into the bathroom, and make out? Caitlin.
Oh, that's even better.
This is so exciting.
None of these people have any idea we did it in the mayor's office.
Whoa.
I'm feeling envy, and I don't know why.
What's going on with you two? I don't know what you mean.
There will not be anything illicit going on around here without me knowing about it.
Not on my watch.
I'm watching you.
It is so liberating being wild! I feel like riding a motorcycle, skydiving, running with the bulls.
Give me that briefcase.
What are you doing? I'm acting impulsive.
It's the new me.
Get used to it.
Something horrible happened in my office last night.
The governor left a very valuable pair of sunglasses on my desk, and now they're missing.
That's terrible.
They belonged to Jackie onassis.
He bought them at an auction for his wife.
They were worth over $100,000! I know that doesn't sound like a lot of money, but they had sentimental value! Do you have any leads? All I know is that the thief took off the sofa cushions, turned them around, so that the zippers were facing out.
This guy's a real pro.
Sir, we are going to find out who did this.
We will question everyone.
Oh, no, no need.
All we have to do is look at the videotape of the office surveillance camera.
Surveillance camera? I just had one put in.
It records everything that goes on in there.
Well, look on the bright side.
You're always complaining you don't have any pictures of us.
I can't believe the mayor has a camera in his office.
This is all your fault.
How is it my fault? I would've never done anything like this before I met you.
You made me this way! You're like a perverted Henry Higgins! The guy from "Magnum p.
I.
"? "My fair lady," you caveman.
I used to care about those things before you dragged me into your world of sin.
you talked about the thrill of living on the wild side.
That's before I was starring in my own nudie film! Caitlin, calm down.
This is embarrassing for me, too.
Oh, right, you're a guy.
You're going to be getting high-fives.
I'm going to lose all credibility.
Look at them.
They've obviously seen the tape.
Caitlin, get a hold of yourself.
This isn't the end of the world.
It is.
I just had the wildest sex in my life, and it's caught on a security tape.
No one is going to see it.
I'll go to security and get the tape myself.
You'd better hurry up before anyone else gets their hands on it.
Did you get the tape? No, someone already took it.
Who would've taken it? [COUGHS.]
Stuart, I'm going to need that tape.
Before I give you it, let me ask you a few questions.
Go ahead.
If I wanted to rent this tape at a video store, would I have to walk through a beaded curtain to get it? You have no idea what's on there.
Well, there's a vcr right here.
Why don't we all watch it together? You wouldn't.
Wouldn't I? Then maybe I'll tell everyone how I caught you at last year's Christmas party alone with easy Debbie from highway maintenance Talking about feelings.
You're a sick bastard.
Yes.
We got the tape.
Ah, the security tape.
Ha! I was wondering who had this.
We'll watch it at the end of the day.
Then we'll see who did it.
And how many times.
Ha ha ha ha! Dr.
greenfield.
Hello.
Ha ha.
Your book is worthless.
My kid won't stop crying.
You said, "show him colors," I bought him a mobile.
You said, "give him warm milk," I fixed him a bottle.
You said, "hold him like a football," I watched "moulin Rouge!" Yeah, well, you were 0-for-2 and I was jonesing for a musical.
[SIGHS.]
Carter, I usually don't like to get involved in other people's personal lives.
It's presumptuous, it's awkward, but mostly I just don't care.
As a parent, I think I can offer you a little advice here.
Sir, I just feel so overwhelmed.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this.
Of course you are.
Come on, sir.
The baby responds more to Paul than to me.
Because he senses your tension.
You've got all these thoughts and these ideas racing around your mind.
Paul He's not burdened with any of that.
What you have to do is get rid of those books and trust your instincts.
Maybe you're right.
You've given Sam a home, security A bold sense of fashion.
Now go over there and hold your baby.
Come on.
When he's so peaceful like this, it almost makes you forget the last couple of days.
It's moments like this that make it all worth it.
Thank you, sir.
I'm glad to help.
Now back to not caring.
Sir, who's watching that video? Just you, me, Charlie.
And, apparently, Stuart.
You don't need to be here, Stuart.
Someone stole a pair of Jackie o's sunglasses, and I will not rest until I find out who it was.
God bless you, Stuart.
You're a real team player.
What do we do? There's a chance the glasses were stolen before we were in the office.
Just be cool.
Right.
Showtime! Well, nothing out of the ordinary yet.
Well, let's just skip ahead.
Hey, it's you guys.
Oh, my God.
It couldn't get any worse.
What are you guys watching? The surveillance video.
MAYOR: Have a seat.
Don't mind if we do.
Sir, I can't take it anymore.
Charlie and I had sex in your office.
Caitlin, stop.
No, no, I am tired of sneaking around.
We're a couple.
This man brings out my wild side, and I don't care who knows about it.
You are looking at a natural expression of our feelings for each other.
Caitlin, we weren't on-camera.
So how about the mayor's dancing? How embarrassing was that? That was awful.
Wasn't it the most humiliating experience of your life? It doesn't even crack my top 10.
Hey, guys.
I, uh, I just wanted you to know that I'm not mad about what happened.
In fact, I think it's wonderful the two people I care so much about are together.
Thank you, sir.
We appreciate it.
Just try not to be together on my furniture anymore.
Yes, sir.
You know, a lot is happening here.
I mean, you two are a couple.
Carter has a baby.
You know, things are moving so fast.
Of course, I'm still alone, and my kid never calls, but I'm really happy for you.
Uh, sir, the governor's on the phone.
He's asking about the glasses again.
Oh, I'm sick of him badgering me.
If I was half a man, I'd keep him on hold, show him who's in charge.
Are you going to? God, no, get out of my way.
So, you feeling better? A little.
It wasn't exactly the way I envisioned telling people about us.
When are things going to get normal between us? I don't know.
I guess what we did was pretty crazy.
It was irresponsible and stupid.
It was also Kind of fun.
Really? Yeah.
I'd like to do more stupid things.
Well, you're with the right guy.
Oh, it's 10:00.
I think we can get out of here.
Wait, it's 10:00.
You know what that means? What? It's our anniversary.
Two weeks ago, at this exact moment, you looked at me and said, "what do you think you're doing?" Do you have an answer yet? Best two weeks of my life.
Oh, Charlie I know.
Hey, since you guys are a new couple, I thought I'd get you a little gift.
See you tomorrow, Stuart.
[SIGHS.]
Get some sleep, Carter.
Good night.
* hip hip good night, guys.
Good night, Sam.
* hip hip * hip hip * when you're on a holiday * you can't find the words to say * * all the things that come to you * * and I wanna feel it, too * on an island in the sun * * we'll be playin' and havin' fun * * and it makes me feel so fine * sit, ubu, sit.
Good dog.
[BARKING.]
Moo.