The Office (US) s06e22 Episode Script

Buenos dias, erin.
Buenos dias, miguel.
Hello, dunder-mifflin.
No, no, no, no.
Solamente, en español, por favor.
I believe that every man, woman, and child in this country Should learn how to speak spanish.
They are our neighbors he south, An to cancun.
Buenos diaz, jaime.
Buenos diaz, miguel.
Como estas? Ha ha! Buenos diaz, dwight! Guten tag, herr michael.
I don't understand why michael Is wasting his time with spanish.
I have it on very good authority That within 20 years, Everyone will be speaking german.
Or a chinese-german hybrid.
La telefona.
El telefono.
Michael's having a hard time with the gender part of spanish.
So I told him to mark everything With the international symbol for gender.
And, um I should have been more specific.
Your office is full of genitalia.
oh.
Eso es lo que dice el.
"that's what he says"? Damn it.
Ah, angelo.
Angela.
Michael.
Yo soy cancun.
Uhh! All right, so I'll finish up on bulk pricing, And then you go into delivery guarantee.
You know, maybe there's an opportunity For a joke there.
Like, umLike, "I just delivered a baby.
They didn't offer me a guarantee.
" Yeah, or maybe we don't even need that.
Can you smell the power of halperts? Power couple.
You know what? I should be getting this client, michael.
My numbers are better than either of theirs.
I went with the people I thought would put the best face on the company.
If you want people To put the best face on something, Why would you get two people Who probably have never cut the face Off of anything in their lives? that's a good point.
This is our first joint sales pitch.
I think we're gonna work really well together.
Yeah, I think we have mplementary strengths.
Hispering.]
I don't even know who you are anymore.
Yee.
Hi, uh, donna newton, here to see michael scott.
Oh, hey, ms.
Newton.
Hi, I'm jim.
How are you? Did somebody order a hooker over here? - oh, stop that.
- Hi.
How are you? There's this woman I met a few weeks ago.
Her name is donna, The manager of sid & dexter's.
And, right now, we're in the midst Of a passionate love affair.
Um, no.
But she is coming by today.
Maybe to buy some printers, so Right here, we have the wonder twins, Jim and pam halpert.
They will be assisting you today.
You look exactly alike.
Oh, no, we're actually married.
We're not brother and sister.
I have a sense about these things.
All right.
You have some ancestors in common Somewhere back.
I knew it.
You should see their baby.
So, yes, laser printers are more expensive.
But they cost less to operate.
so it's a tradeoff.
These magazines sent to me Via the address of the woman who used to live in my condo Before me.
None of this is time sensitive.
Uh, yes, uh, the sale is on now through may.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Okay, I have more of them.
You would have weekly confence calls With executives in corporate.
A two-week training program At the yale school of management, Obviously, you would be high on the list For advancement opportunities.
Sounds all right.
What is this? Oh, this is "print in all colors," Sabre's minority executive training program.
It doesn't just sound a'ight, It sounds amazing.
I didn't say "a'ight.
" How do I apply? You have to be a minority.
Uh, glasses wearers.
Cholera survivors.
Geniuses.
Non-organic family farmers.
The list goes on and on.
You want me to keep going? Those don't really count.
We're thinking more ethnic and racial minorities.
Come here.
Come here.
- Hmm? Ten seconds ago, this guy was driving a forklift.
Okay? Now, all of a sudden, he's cinderella of the office.
What are you guys thinking? Well I like the sound of this.
Maybe one day I'll be sitting in michael's chair.
Wouldn't that be something? One minority from this branch Is going to get into this program.
Who would I prefer? Hmm The competent, hardworking one Who does things his own way, Or the malleable simpleton who can be bought For a few fashion magazines? This is the second time That you've sent me the wrong size.
I mean, I know what a four should feel like, I've been a four my whole life.
You know what? You can go to hell.
All right? Thanks for nothing.
Oh, man.
White people, right? I don't know if she was white.
Well, you can kind of tell from the voice.
Yeah.
I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot, Just because of your race.
Well, they say it's because of texting, But maybe you're right.
I think you should consider applying For the executive minority training program.
Never thought of myself as an executive before.
I know, 'cause you have no role models.
How many indian ceos can you think of? I can't think of any ceos, any race.
You could be the indian bill gates.
You could be the indian ted turner.
I could be the indian julia roberts.
That's not-- she's--okay.
Yes.
I took the liberty to scan a few things earlier, And I want to show you-- There we go! Whoa, look at those vivid colors.
Look at my eyes.
Those are shrek-green eyes.
That is me again.
I think this displays the crisp, dazzling white.
Mm-hmm.
And that would be a display Of the crisp, gorgeous black.
Yeah.
It's subtle.
That's how it works.
I show her an image that turns her on.
And then she looks at me, then she looks at the image, Then back at me, then back at the image.
Soon, she doesn't know what is me, What is the image.
She just knows that she's turned on.
This is a place that I like to go To be alone with my thoughts.
I've never taken anybody there before.
Who took the photo? - Ryan.
- Oh.
And that's it.
That's me.
That's who I am.
Not bad.
oh, thanks.
you're not bad, either.
Thank you.
Ahem.
Hmm.
Oh, my god.
Jim! Could you come in here for a sec? What was that printer we were looking at? You didn't see it, pam.
She was giving me all sorts of signals That she wanted me to make a move.
Shortbread? - No.
I'll have one.
Well, maybe you shouldn't try to kiss people at work.
Oh, really, jim? What about pam? And you did a heck of a lot more than kiss.
Maybe this could be my pam.
Well, all that is irrelevant.
Maybe michael has a point.
I mean, if she was really that upset, She wouldn't still be here.
Was it professional? No.
But I work in the nightlife industry.
I get hit on all the time.
In my 20s, it would have been annoying.
In my late 20s, I find it really flattering.
Look, I know that I screwed up in there.
I know that I probably messed up your sale.
I just want to go in and fix it.
What if I back out, And you finish the pitch with jim? What? What was that? Just let him flirt with her.
People meet each other all sorts of ways.
Pam, you know he's not gonna get anywhere, And he's gonna blow our sale.
Who cares? It's not that huge a sale.
Hey, the schwab guy told us to treat every sale Like it was a huge sale.
Don't act like you understood anything that guy said.
Good luck, wingman.
How has being a minority affected you? Well, there's a lot of pressure from my parents To settle down and marry an indian guy.
Oh, good, and you resent this because Indian guys always wear their cell phones Outside their pants.
It's so dorky.
Oh, no, no.
That's not dorky.
Look, it's easily accessible.
Boom, like this.
911, hello.
Scranton strangler's in the house.
Inside the house.
Just put it in your pocket.
Look at that.
She's totally flirting with him.
You don't know that.
Some people can't help oozing sexuality.
You ever notice you can only ooze two things: Sexuality and pus.
Man, I tell ya.
She just crossed her arms together--that's bad.
Maybe she's just pushing her breasts together To make them look bigger.
Like that? Is this--is this the best you can do right there? Uh, for that printer, yes.
Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of flexibility.
Oh.
Well, I guess I'm just used to the restaurant business, Where, if you're in charge, Then you can always get discounts For the people that you like.
So maybe we could find a little wiggle room, right? What's that? Maybe we find some wiggle room? I don't-- I don't think so.
I think we could.
I don't see how we could possibly sell these For that little without losing money.
Delivery alone will cost-- Okay, well, sometimes-- Sometimes it makes financial sense To lose money, right? Like for tax purposes.
Actually, ran the numbers on this, And in this case, it makes more financial sense To gain money.
Why don't you run them again.
What if she's just flirting with you To get a better price? If she is, it's working.
Yeah, michael, here's a trick.
As her if she wants a mint.
If she says no, then she is not interested.
She does not like him.
You can flirt with someone to get what you want And also be attracted to them.
How do you think we got together? 'cause I stopped by your desk like 15 times a day.
I was after your money.
Well, the joke was on you.
Yes, it was.
Can you stop micromanaging? I know how to do this.
- Okay.
Hey What are you guys doing? This girls was really rude to me at the mall.
So I created a fake I.
M.
Account From a hot guy at her high school, And now I'm trying to make her anorexic.
Tell her everyone in home room thinks she's fat.
Oh, that is so good.
You know, we should keep practicing for this interview.
Oh, that's okay.
Ryan coached me.
Ryan? What does he know? It's easy--you just turn every question around on them.
Do you think you're treated differently Because of your race? Would you ask that same question if I was white? We're so in.
"we"? When I become executive, I'm gonna make ryan manager.
And then the two of us are cleaning house.
Kelly will be even worse than darryl.
If you'd have told me this morning That today I'd be creating a monster Capable of my own destruction, I'd have thought you were referring To the bull mose and I are trying to reanimate.
So corporate approval of this contract Is contingent upon buyer and seller - Mm-hmm.
- Obtaining blahdy blahdy blah.
Boilerplate.
Pound of fish.
Just kidding.
- Do you like mints? Yes.
I carry mints with me sometimes.
- You ever tried those? - Oh, I haven't tried those.
- No.
- They're good.
You want one? Sure.
It's like cool "certified cool.
" I like how they say "certified.
" Like there's some consortium of Michael! I'm sorry.
I can't stop myself from kissing her.
Yeah, now you know how I feel Sitting next to those m&ms all day.
Well, why don't you just move the m&ms? Well, why don't you shut up! Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Just tell me it's not totally insane To try one more time.
It is totally insane.
Michael, he's right.
You are turning into a stalker.
Okay.
What do you think? I think it's over, man.
Andy? Ehh.
Okay, some for, some against.
- Nobody's for.
- Pam? - Hmm? - What do you think? Um I think it's really, really unlikely.
- Okay.
- Really unlikely.
But I can't say that it's impossible.
What? I'm not saying she's in love with him.
But she could have left a while ago.
Most printer sales are done over the phone, Ms.
Boob shirt.
I'm going with pam's group.
Wait.
- Here we go.
- Michael.
Michael.
- Okay.
- Michael.
- No, guys, guys, guys.
Guys, just- thank you for talking.
Wish me luck.
- No.
What sort of movie would rudy have been If he had just stopped, given up, After two rejections? Would have been a lot shorter.
Probably been a lot funnier.
But it would have ultimately been a disappointment.
I still would have seen it, But that's not The point.
- Kelly is disqualified! - What? You said the program is not open to caucasians.
Well Anthropologically, she is indian.
Indians migrated from the caucuses region of europe.
Therefore, technically, she is caucasian.
You're welcome, america.
Yeah, but she's not white, though.
Well, obviously, she is brownish.
But, come on, I mean, Darryl is far more ethnic.
Darryl withdrew his application.
He said the yale program Interfered with his softball league, you know? He's gone.
I got my whole life to be a minority executive.
I only have about a year left in these knees, though.
Kelly is the only applicant.
Yeah, unless somebody else applies today.
Namaste.
Oh, dear god.
Okay.
Don't make any decisions just yet.
Okay? I'll be right back.
Hello.
That's very nice.
I never noticed that before.
Sometimes my bangs cover it.
Yeah.
I don't want to be offensive but, uh, May I ask you what that means? I do find that offensive, actually.
We should have your contract done by Thursday.
Oh, great.
Great, I will look out for that stuff, then.
- Okay.
- And, um You know, I just wanted to say it was really Really nice to do business with you.
Yeah, it was nice to do business with you too.
Thank you.
Did IGet everything? I don't know.
I think so.
Yeah, I think so.
okay.
So--oh, donna? - Yeah? Do you need validation? We don't-- we don't validate.
No, it's just in the lot, so - Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
You'reWelcome.
Mmm.
Bye.
Ahem.
So, um Okay, if you have-- If there's any other questions that you have I don't have, uh, any other questions.
I'm just gonna Make my way down to-- All right.
Bye.
Bye-bye! And have a good elevator ride.
Okay.
Oh, what's that out there? Michael, how did it go? How would one of you feel If I told you I could put you on a fast track To an executive position at this company? Holy cow.
I'd be so happy.
I wasn't talking to you, pale face.
I know.
I meant I'd be happy for them.
What I'm offering is a ticket on a bullet train Straight to middle management.
Dwight, I know these programs.
"every color is important because, together, We make a rainbow.
" Yes.
I'll slap you in the face with a rainbow.
Mm! Speaking of rainbows, Oscar You are kind of a double minority.
Gay.
So we at sabre could really benefit from your perspective.
Dwight, we know kelly applied.
We're not gonna cross her.
No matter how good the program is.
I can protect you from kelly.
Will you get out of here? Seriously.
For hobbies, um, yoga, belly dancing, Snake charming.
Beds of nails, I like lying on them.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! This is hide tohsi hasagawa.
He would like to apply for The sabre minority executive training program "print in all colors" initiative.
Dwight, what are you doing? Helping heal america In a dramatic fashion In the 11th hour.
God, I hate you so much! Caucasians, am I right? Have a seat.
I'll translate.
Why? I don't need translator.
You don't know what you need.
Just Why don't you tell me a little about yourself, hide.
In japan, heart surgeon, number one.
Steady hand.
Hey, michael.
How you doing? I don't know.
I don't know.
Can't really trust my feelings anymore.
You know what, michael? For what it's worth I was wrong too.
I thought she was interested in you.
She suckered you too.
Mm-hmm.
Was it the cleavage? Yeah, and the shoulder cutouts.
- Yep.
- Michael, you know, It's easy to get fooled.
Bob's warehouse guys flirt with me all the time.
It--it's mostly harmless.
Usually I don't let it go too far.
You know, when I tore my scrote, I was, uh I was seeing this really hot urologist about it, And thought she was into me.
But now I think she was just doing a bunch of stuff To bill my hmo.
You know She's touching around down there.
It's easy to get confused.
Michael, I think donna left this here.
Should I put it in the lost and found for 14 days And then I can take it home? God.
She left this here? - Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe she wants me to return this to her at her work.
What? All: No.
Yeah.
This could be a signal.
People don't just take barrettes off.
It's not a signal.
It's just a coincidence.
No, it's not even a coincidence.
It's just something that happened.
- Michael - Well She doesn't want you to return the barrette.
She's not interested in you.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
- I'm sorry.
- I know.
You're right.
Thank you.
Thanks, everybody.
Michael! Michael! Oh.
You're still here.
I have your baguette.
Everyone, It is my pleasure to announce our newest member Of the sabre minority executive training program, Kelly rajanigandha kapoor.
All right.
They're going to be pretty pleased in tallahassee That I snagged an indian for the program.
She'll be the first.
The program's mostly black.
It's almost too black.
That didn't sound right.
And the best part is is that I get a business stipend To buy all new clothes.
So you can totally buy any of my old clothes That I'm not gonna need anymore.
Oh, my god, thank you so much.
I love that denim jumpsuit you have.
How much? - Oh.
Actually, I was thinking about clothes That I was just gonna give to goodwill anyway.
Great.
Hey, kiddo.
Congratulations are in order.
You deserve it.
- Thank you, dwight.
- Oh.
I'll never forget everything that you've done for me.
Gosh.
Heh heh.
Because I never forget anything.
Just once, I would like to be a puppet master And have nothing go wrong.
Is that too much to ask? You know what? Everybody told me That you weren't interested.
Everybody.
And I didn't believe 'em.
And they were right.
So There's your barrette.
No, y-you wereRight.
Who? You were right.
About what? You were right.
I'm sorry.
No, no.
No.
- I'm sor-- - no.