M*A*S*H (MASH) s06e23 Episode Script

# I've got you under your skin # # I've got me # # Deep in the heart of you ## Pierce, will you stop that detestable singing? - Use some discretion in here.
- Okay.
#Another opening another show # Colonel Potter, will you make him stop? - Or at least back him with an orchestra.
- All right.
Rein in your horses.
With this big push we can expect to see quite a lot of each other in the next few days.
Might as well stay on speaking terms.
Right.
# Everybody's hand in hand # # Bringin' down the pain ## - Shut up, Pierce! - Thank you.
You've been a wonderful audience.
Suppose this is gonna be another one of those 24-hour shifts without a break.
Mm-hmm.
For starters.
- Nurse.
Retractor.
[Yawning.]
- What? I said retractor.
Listen, will you? Don't talk with your mouth open.
Kindly listen with yours closed.
Charles, are you just a tad edgy today? Nope.
No.
Not in the least.
[Yawns.]
Stay awake, Charles.
You almost swallowed your mask.
- [Yawning.]
I am awake.
- Come on, Major.
You look like a wrung-out dishrag, and I must say it doesn't surprise me.
You've gotta learn to pace yourself and get some rest.
You think that three cups of joe and a long shower can take the place of eight hours' shut-eye.
- You're running yourself ragged.
- Fortunately, I possess the Winchester stamina.
I'm fine.
Really.
- [Yawning.]
Scissors.
- I can't.
[Yawning.]
I said scissors.
Major, the suture has slipped.
You didn't tie it correctly.
Oh.
# I tied for you # # Now it's your turn to tie over me ## Major, do you have the blood count results yet? - Klinger, I'm going as fast as I can.
- Rats.
I walk all the way over from post-op for nothing.
[Yawns.]
That's 10 whole yards, Klinger - unless, of course, you took the scenic route through Manchuria.
- I'm pooped.
Hauling litters, stocking O.
R.
- Now I got K.
P.
Comin' up.
- Aw.
I'll probably fall asleep on the pudding and die of a concussion.
Don't even mention sleep.
Hey, Major, with all these pills and serums lyin' around you got anything that could juice me up a little? You know, bring me back to the living? Well, there is something.
May your harem never be stricken with stretch marks.
[Chuckles.]
Klinger, these are amphetamines or dexies sometimes referred to as bennies by you Bohemians.
- I'm Lebanese.
- Right.
Ingesting two of these pills is like swallowing a 50-horsepower engine.
You'd be so alert your other four senses would catch up with your dainty nose.
Don't wrap 'em.
I'll eat 'em here.
These pills can make you feel so good you wouldn't even mind being in the army.
- Right! Right! - And I'm not gonna give you any.
- Right.
What? - Do you want extreme depression? - You want chronic fatigue? - I already got those.
Worse, dependence on the drug itself? Any drug like this must be dispensed by a qualified physician.
- Well, you've got a degree.
Come on.
- No, no.
Klinger, my expertise in the matter tells me that you cannot handle those.
- Why? - Because people of your genetic background are far too hyperactive.
I am not! See? Oh, Klinger, thank God I was around to advise you.
No telling what would've happened without me.
All right.
I'll stick to sniffing garlic raw garlic.
Remember, Klinger before taking any medication like this always consult a highly trained physician like myself.
You're welcome.
Darn it! [Whistling.]
Hey, Superman, huh? Is that the one where they kidnap Lois Lane? - Lois Lane gets kidnapped in every one.
- Yeah, I know.
- Hey, Remy, I'll trade ya.
- What do you got, Chalk? The one where, uh, Popeye beats up all the Nazis.
Oh, yeah.
They take away all of Wimpy's hamburgers and he tells the Germans everything.
Why don't you guys ever read a book, learn somethin'? - Like what? - Catcher in the Rye.
And it ain't about baseball or booze.
Then, uh, what's so good about it? I don't know yet.
No one's underlined it.
Can't be as good as Superman.
Hey, uh, you guys are, uh, marines, huh? Yeah.
What gave it away, the solid muscles? I tried to join the marines, but they said my eyes wasn't good enough for ya.
- [All Laughing.]
- You tried to join the marines? You wouldn't last five seconds.
The D.
I.
Would use you for chewing tobacco.
- [All Laughing.]
- I would have made a good marine.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Laughing.]
If we ever raid a kindergarten class, I'll call ya.
Here we are.
First floor.
Lingerie, sportswear elephant accessories and recuperating patients.
- Hey, Sarge.
- Sarge! - Hey, you LODOs.
How ya doin'? - Just terrific.
I hope you brought some raw meat.
- Hey, you guys'll be outta here by tomorrow night, won't you? - No, no.
They're mandatory guests for the next few days.
- What's the Christmas rush? - Our mouse goes up against the 4033rd tomorrow.
- Your mouse? - Sluggo.
Hey, Doc, we gotta be there.
- Listen to it on the radio.
You got a racing rodent? - Only the world's fastest.
Oh, yeah? Doesn't the jockey get any credit? Hey, listen.
Sluggo's 19-and-0.
Oh, yeah? You guys got a mouse you think is pretty fast, huh? - That's right, kid.
- Yeah, well, my mouse can beat your mouse.
Radar, what are you talking about? I'm talking about the fastest mouse in Korea.
Yeah? And how's his eyesight? Hey, listen.
My Daisy can beat your Sluggo any day of the week and twice in January.
- Daisy? - How about this Saturday, kid? Okay.
Okay, my Daisy'll make your Sluggo into chewin' tobacca.
- Hey Hey, Radar, really? - Really.
Uh, would you mind if we, uh if we bet on this extravaganza? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bet, bet, bet.
- Daisy has a pack to support.
Well, that's the idea, pal.
Bet as much as you can lose.
- Uh-huh.
Just put your money where your mouse is.
- [Laughs.]
Radar, this, uh, Daisy is, uh, lightning fast, right? Well, I guess I can teach her.
"Can anything compare to morning's first sight? "The promise of beginning so new and so bright.
From the moment I awake, till my first cornflake, I tingle at Aurora's delight.
" - Touching as hell.
- Who wrote that? Charles Emerson Winchester while still an undergrad at Harvard.
It sounded very collegiate.
Still surviving only on coffee, Major? No time for anything else.
Later this morning I intend to pull together my notes and finally write that article for the A.
M.
A.
Journal entitled "Korea, the Surgeon's Buffet.
" As long as it rhymes.
Either of you have a pen? Thank you.
I tingle, for now I can write.
- Sending a card? - My little sister Madge's birthday.
She'll cross the big 5-0 come Valentine's Day.
Well, that's four months away.
Yeah.
The way the mail moves around here I may be cutting it a little close.
Happy belated birthday.
Did I ever tell you about my little sister, Honoria? She ran away from home [Chuckles.]
Ah, the pixie and, uh, married a farmer.
[Snickers.]
Can you believe it? A farmer.
- A simple farmer.
- That's hilarious.
Later she left him.
The family ostracized her, of course.
She left him and went to live with not to marry, mind you but to live with Are you ready? A shoe clerk.
- Friends, Romans and corpsmen, lend me your ears.
- He'll return them.
I promise.
'Tis nobler in the mind to suffer slings and arrows in order to make an outrageous fortune.
What the bard means is that we're taking action on Radar's rat race.
Our Daisy against the marines' Sluggo.
I come to bury Sluggo, not to praise him.
Now if you could only write like that, hmm? What do you say, folks? Golden opportunity.
What do you say? What do ya say here? - I'm in for five.
- Five.
We got five.
- Five.
- Me too.
I guess I can't spend it on dates.
[Chuckles.]
Put me down for 20.
- Twenty.
Charles, bear in mind - Twenty.
Daisy is not on the New York Stock Exchange.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
" Just lay down your cash.
I hate a guy who butchers Shakespeare.
$74.
50.
- Who only bet 50 cents? - Radar.
- That's encouraging.
- I hate to make a mountain out of mohair but when are you gonna fold your laundry? - It's folded the army way.
- ## [Whistling: "Whistle While You Work".]
Morning, Doc.
Where are the other six dwarfs? [Chuckles.]
That's amusing even from you.
Come on.
You can be more insulting than that.
Gentlemen, you see before you a brilliant, incisive paper for the A.
M.
A that a mere two hours ago was a blank pad of paper.
- What'll it be two hours from now? - Would you proofread that for me? - Sure.
Does spelling count? - Hope there's some laughs in it.
Two hours? There's 27 pages here.
- Yes, I pride myself on brevity.
- It's one long sentence.
- I'll read it later.
- Oh.
You know something, Charles? It's taken you a long time, but I think you're finally beginning to fit into this place.
- Like a surgical glove.
- Are you surprised? - No.
More like stunned, shocked.
- Bewitched, bothered and bewildered.
You are now coping with this nightmare better than I've ever seen you.
- Better than I've ever seen me.
- Don't forget, gentlemen, that I am a Winchester.
Write that down.
He's a Winchester.
All I have to do is set my mind to something, and eventually, inevitably, I conquer it.
You know, compared to the Harvard dorms, this place really isn't all that bad.
- Charles, don't change a hair.
- He hasn't got any to change.
Pity there isn't enough of the Winchester character to go around.
- Or the Winchester humility.
- [Chuckles.]
[Man On P.
A.
.]
Attention all personnel.
The Chinese are at it again.
Incoming wounded.
Looks like a long one.
[B.
J.
.]
And we're the welcoming committee.
Those were the tiniest and neatest stitches I've ever seen, Major.
You're not assisting a blacksmith, Margaret.
These fingers could stitch a fly's wing back onto its body.
- But what fly could afford you? - Done.
And in record time.
The fastest 40-yard colon ever run.
Klinger! Klinger! - Gotta move faster than that.
- Sorry, sir.
I was in the back giving my biceps a pep talk.
You're holding up progress.
I wanna see X rays.
Right away, Major.
Klinger, you've built a reputation you can't live up to.
[Charles.]
Don't worry.
We'll have you out of here in a jiffy even quicker.
I have some time free if anyone needs some help.
[B.
J.
.]
Margaret, would you please chain him to his table? [Margaret.]
Even if I could catch him, what chain could hold him? - Oh, missed a piece of shrapnel there, Pierce.
- Colonel.
Major, why don't you take a break? You've earned one.
Yeah, Charles.
You've got a few seconds to unwind.
Why don't you reread War and Peace? [B.
J.
.]
Building a four-lane highway can be relaxing.
[Laughs.]
This is funny.
You people can't keep up, and it burns you.
You're choking on my dust.
[Hawkeye.]
I got whiplash just watching you go back and forth.
- Klinger, where are those X rays? - Here they are, Major.
A little late, a little dark, and a little out of focus.
No problem.
These eyes can make out every detail.
[Hawkeye.]
I can't wait to see him leap tall buildings in a single bound.
[Squeaking.]
- Daisy, you're looking great.
- [Squeaking Continues.]
Oh, that's terrific.
Listen, I can't give you any water now 'cause you know when you're in training it'll give you cramps.
Maybe I'll give you some after your rubdown.
- Now there's a picture for the game program.
- A boy and his mouse.
Beautiful.
She's ready, sir.
This morning she ran the garbage dump in 15 seconds flat.
That's her home field.
How will she perform in front of a hostile crowd? I wanna beat those marines so bad.
Then I can really rub it in.
If the Flash should win, the safest thing for us would be to take our winnings and sneak away like little mice.
You know marines, Radar.
They love to land on things.
- They don't scare me.
- Look, a short Bronx cheer will do nicely.
Come on, Coach.
Let's put Daisy through her paces.
- She could run some wind sprints.
- [B.
J.
.]
Great.
I'll put a piece of cheese behind the, uh - Behind the what? - I don't wanna say it in front of her.
Wanna hold her? - No! Keep her away.
I don't like mice.
- She's just a rodent.
I don't like mice.
I'm not prejudiced.
I just prefer them behind walls.
You must have handled them in premed.
I wouldn't even see one on a consultation.
Get - Nice, Daisy.
Down, big fella.
- Don't let her see where I put this.
- Ready? - Ready.
- On your mark - [Whistle Blows.]
[Hawkeye.]
Oh, look at that! Oh! - Oh! She runs like a deer.
- Fantastic! - Radar, she's inspiring.
- We're gonna clean up! Maybe we oughta give ourselves a bigger edge.
You know? Get her little track shoes.
- Daisy? Come on, Daisy.
- Daisy.
[Whistles.]
- Daisy, I know you're thirsty.
- Daisy! - Daisy.
Ooh! - Find her quick before the cook does.
- Where could she be? - [Woman Screams.]
- Ooh! - Found.
One Daisy.
Don't trip on her! A walk.
Take a walk.
What? What? Who's there? What is it? What is it? It's Charles again.
The creature that stalks the night.
Winchester, the only people up in Korea at this hour are snipers and milkmen.
Please! Lie down and get some rest.
Pierce, if I could sleep I would, but I can't, so I'm not.
Charles, what can we do to help? Can we sing you a lullaby? Bring you some warm milk? Read to you from the social register? What? - Not funny, Pierce.
- How about a sleeping pill? I think you could use one.
You think? How dare you presume to prescribe for me.
Leave me alone, both of you.
- You just won't admit it, will ya? - Admit what? That you're not Superman, Dr.
Pasteur and Al Jolson all rolled into one.
- Nobody could survive the pace you've set for yourself.
- I'll be the judge of that.
Thar she blows the Winchester Pride.
Which will see me through this crisis or any other.
You know what you've done, don't ya? You've convinced yourself you can outperform everybody in this camp without breaking down.
Well, as a veteran of sleepless nights, irregularity and no appetite I can promise you it won't work.
I know it's hard to take, but you're just like the rest of us.
Bite your tongue, Hunnicutt.
I'm going to the Nurses' Tent.
At least there I got a reason to stay up.
All right.
All right.
If I lie here quietly, will you two night crawlers cease and desist? We promise.
You won't hear another sound.
Good.
[Sighs.]
- You want another pillow? - No.
- Good night, B.
J.
- Good night, Hawkeye.
- [Together.]
Good night, Charles.
- You promised.
Half hour to post time, Daisy.
I taught you everything I know.
Now it's up to you.
I just hope you're not as nervous as I am.
- How's she doing, Radar? - Oh.
All right, I hope.
I have a lot of money on her.
- Sir, I wish you wouldn't say that in front of her.
- Why? Is anything wrong? No.
It's just that when she climbs the walls like that she's not really right.
I think she's startin' to feel the pressure.
I see.
Corporal, uh, be a good fellow, run into the Swamp and fetch my opera glasses, will you? - Opera glasses? - Yes, to watch the race.
I can't guarantee my vantage point.
Your vantage what? Shoo.
Feeling a little sluggish, eh? [Chuckles.]
Well, this, my dear Daisy will perk you right up.
- [Chattering.]
- [Chalk.]
How we doin'on the bucks? - Sergeant.
- You see, Klinger? Are you still, uh, giving I'm, uh, having trouble gettin' action on that.
You got any loose change? - About, uh, 50 bucks.
- Take it.
Take it before he wants to buy the Brooklyn Bridge with it.
An officer born every minute.
Any other takers? Right here.
Twenty dollars on Daisy.
Twenty bucks? You must be crazy, Father.
Klinger, for 10-to-1, I'd bet against Notre Dame.
[Cheering.]
- [Squeaking.]
- [Scoffs.]
That's a pretty scrawny looking mouse.
- Says you! - She's a little on the thin side, but she's quick.
Quick.
We'll see.
Sluggo's ready.
- So's Daisy.
- Then let's start 'em.
Ooh.
I'm all goose-pimply.
Hey, Daisy, take it easy.
Don't wear yourself out before the race.
- She probably bet on herself.
- Hey, let me let me pet her for good luck.
- You sure, sir? - Yeah.
- [Squeaks.]
- [Whimpers.]
Yuck! Hey, Daisy.
Take it easy, honey.
All right.
On your mark, get set Come on, Daisy.
[Man.]
Go! [All Yelling.]
Radar, I don't know what you did, but she's amazing! - [Klinger.]
It's Mighty Mouse! - [Radar.]
Daisy, is that you? - Go, go, go, go! - [Yelling Continues.]
- Come on, Daisy.
- [Radar.]
Come on! [Charles.]
Come on, Daisy.
Come on, Daisy.
She stopped! - [Yelling Continues.]
- [Klinger.]
She's running the wrong way! Just like the army.
It's always retreatin'.
[B.
J.
.]
Turn around, Daisy.
Turn around.
No, now she's okay.
She's okay now.
Daisy.
Daisy.
- [Radar.]
Look what she's doin'.
- [Charles.]
Daisy, Daisy.
There's the cheese! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! [Screaming, Cheering.]
[Hawkeye.]
This is just the beginning.
We'll build a mouse farm in Kentucky.
- Begin a whole new breed.
- [Radar.]
Daisy, take it easy.
I'm gonna knit that mouse the cutest little winner's wreath you ever saw.
Come on.
Let's go over to Rosie's to toast the winners and console the losers.
First round is on the parish.
- Sure.
I'm goin'with you, Father.
- Wonderful, Radar.
- Yes, that was good.
- You know, that's uh that's some mouse you got there.
If we had any money left, we'd make you an offer for her.
No, no, Daisy's not racin' anymore.
Th-Th-The tension makes her crazy.
- I-I'm gonna take her back and put her in her hutch.
- Hey, Radar.
You and your mouse are okay.
Thanks.
I think Radar just won a spot in the Montezuma Hall of Fame.
- Shall we join the others? - Yeah.
We're already a round behind.
- We'll have one on you, fellas.
- So long, fellas.
- Hey.
- [Gulps.]
- Charles, what's the matter? You won.
- I know.
- What's wrong? - I don't know.
I don't know.
[Hyperventilating.]
- I don't like this.
- His color is awful.
I know.
I'm usually such a happy person.
- Full of fun.
- It's running like a train.
- Let's get him to the Swamp.
- Come on.
- I feel so bad.
[Hyperventilating.]
- Okay.
Take it easy.
- I This started out to be such a wonderful evening.
- Hmm.
Yeah.
Look at him.
Like a whirling dervish.
Why would his pressure be - This is not just from long hours and fatigue.
- Maybe he took some help.
Charles taking drugs.
Well, I'll be leaving Korea now.
I've seen it all.
With his ego, he probably figured he could handle it.
Yeah, but who handled who? You know, whatever it is, it's probably in that footlocker.
Say something nice about me in the search warrant.
- It's locked.
- No problem.
- I've been using Charles's talcum powder.
- [Chuckles.]
It keeps away the flies.
- What a mess.
- Now I know there's something wrong.
It's probably at the bottom.
Huh? What are you doing? - Don't worry about it, Charles.
Just a spot inspection.
- Give me that.
Amphetamines, huh? When did you start taking those? None of your business.
I'm gonna report this invasion of privacy.
Really? You gonna say we stole your dope? Look, gentlemen, I was feeling run down and those helped to pick me up.
I'm administering them myself.
I know what I'm doing.
Oh, do ya? Do you really? Let me tell you something, Doctor.
The patient you placed under your care is falling to pieces.
- Nonsense.
It's ridiculous.
- Charles.
Take a look at yourself.
Look what your little pick-me-up has done for you.
Your blood pressure's way up.
Your heart's palpitating.
Your hands are shaking all signs of a man falling apart.
I knew I couldn't [Indistinct.]
- Excuse me, sirs.
- Not now, Radar.
We're busy.
Uh, sir, this is an emergency.
It's Daisy.
Uh, I can't calm her down after the race.
She keeps runnin' round and round and round in her cage and, uh, first she shadowboxes, and then she tap-dances.
Then it's like she's tryin' to play the drums or somethin'.
Sounds like Daisy was visiting your footlocker too.
She'll calm down.
I gave her a mouse's portion.
- What's he mean? - He means he gave Daisy pep pills.
You drugged my Daisy, sir? - How could you do that? - She was in no danger.
Hey, listen.
Don't you tell me that.
I raised her from a pup.
I mean, I know you're a sir, sir, but i if you ever touch my animals again, uh I'll have somethin' to say about it! And it won't be from Corporal to Major either.
It'll be man to man! Boy! - I'm sorry.
- I hope the marines don't find out about this.
I think we better give the marines their money back while we're still alive.
- What do you say, Charles? - Yes, of course.
Here.
[Groaning.]
Keep the change.
I don't know how this happened, gentlemen.
I've never been so ashamed in my life.
- If you will excuse me.
- Where you going? Throw up.
[Hawkeye Chuckling.]
- Do you realize we got a whole day off? - Mmm.
- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take a nap.
- Mm-hmm.
- And then later, when I wake up - I'll turn over and get some sleep.
- [Chuckles.]
Look at him.
Look, look.
He hasn't talked to anyone in three days.
Well, at least he's eating.
- I'm worried about him.
I think he's takin' this kind of hard.
- Yeah.
A dose of reassurance wouldn't hurt.
- Let me.
- Uh-huh.
Morning, Charles.
Listen, I want you to know we're all behind you.
What happened to you could've happened to any of us.
There's no reason to feel bad, you know, because we're Pierce, will you save the consolation speech for someone who needs it? Yourself pops into mind or anyone else in this canvas asylum.
For the first time in months I have found an appetite and any banal conversation is bound to make me lose it.
So, uh, if you will excuse you.
Uh-huh.
- Well? - He's mean, obnoxious, pompous, egotistical - In other words, fine.
- Right.