Futurama s06e26 Episode Script

A wise man once said that nothing really dies, it just comes back in a new form.
Then he died.
So next time you see a lowly salamander, think twice before you step on it.
It might be you.
Stand by for reincarnation.
Howdy, folks.
Come on in.
Jumpin' Joe and golly jeeper I got one gigantic peeper Sassafras and banana oil I'm a beautiful purple-haired goil Watch it! Oh, it's just that I love Leela something awful.
Do you think a space-age dame like her would ever marry a two-bit low-life delivery boy like me, and also I have bad posture and severe financial problems? Have you tried getting her pregnant? Gosh, yes, I've tried and tried, but so far I only got Amy pregnant.
You know what your problem is? Too much smoke in your face.
I want to ask Leela to marry me, but I can't afford a diamond ring big enough to express my love.
That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you each month.
All crew, report to the laboratorium.
Get a wiggle on.
Thanks for the heads-up, Sparky.
Mmm-mmm.
Fish on Friday, and human flesh the rest of the week.
Movietone News, everyone.
I've discovered a new comet.
One side, boys.
Let a lady take a gander.
Hang on, let me just adjust it to your eye level.
Holy matrimony.
That's one flashy rock.
Indeed, it's pure diamondium.
Um, would it be possible to break off a piece and put it in an engagement ring for reasons that are private? Oh, fuff.
Nothing in the universe can fracture diamondium, not even God One and God Two put together.
But behold! The tail is composed of abrasive comet powder, and that's just what I need to put a wash-day shine on my new doomsday device.
Now, hop in the flivver and score me some of that sweet, sweet powder.
Comet ahoy! Why, it's lit up like a smooth, refreshing Chesterfield.
Get plenty of that powder.
I want this bomb to sparkle like the floor at Grand Central Station.
Over and out.
Watch it, you stumblebums.
You're boopin' my betty.
Um, I'll be back in a jiff.
I got to go check this comet for anarchists.
Would you look at that gem? Slap that shiner on a ring, and me and Leela will be doing the married horizontal Charleston in no time.
All right, diamond, you won those rounds, but I've got an ace up my hole.
I love this time of day.
There's such a beautiful stillness.
Leela, I don't know if words can describe how I feel about you.
Good? Huh.
I guess they can.
Anyhow, when a guy feels good about his sweetheart, he wants to prove it by giving her something really good.
I'm still listening, you big lug.
Well, what I'm trying to say is, in all the world, I couldn't find a diamond good enough for you, but then I found one out there among the stars, the beautiful, affordable stars.
You mean, when you disappeared up on the comet Exactly.
I thought you snuck off to take a dump.
A man can sneak off to do two things.
Oh, Fry.
In exactly 10 seconds, the doomsday device will blow the stone loose, and if my calculations are correct, it will land here on your finger.
You've made me the happiest finger in the whole wide hand.
Comet kaboomination in three, two Uh, hello, cuckoo.
The diamond still didn't break! Now you'll never know how much I love you.
It went kersplitters.
Fry, I don't need a diamond.
You've given me the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen, all the colors of the spectrum.
Not beautiful enough.
A swell gal like you deserves better.
What's that? Is my eye playing trick on me? It's so beautiful.
Fry, you've created a new color, totally different from any other color or combination of colors.
Shucks, it's still only half as beautiful as you.
Whoa.
Whoa.
I wish this moment could last forever.
Leela, my love, will you marry me? Cornelia, my love, will you marry me? Blorg, blorg, a thousand times blorg.
That's all you get, jerks! Good news, multiplayers.
After a lifetime of toil, I'm on the verge of solving all the mysteries of science.
So we can leave early? Certainly not.
Not until I demonstrate this new microscope lens made from the debris of that diamondium comet.
Hey, Professor.
Yes, Bender? Boo! Okay, too bad, goodbye.
You're not through with this level.
I have another lens.
Byte my eight-bit metal ass.
That's byte with a "Y.
" Whatever you say, mon.
Due to the lens' remarkable quark lattice structure, it should be capable of unthinkable magnification.
Come, follow me to the lab.
Hey, I'm gonna try that.
So long, meat-bags.
Son of a Let me just insert lens in microscope.
There, now, for the first time, we may be able to see the infinitesimal fabric of matter itself, laying bare the most fundamental laws of the universe.
Hey, Fry, I know something you could lay bare.
Leela, shh.
I'm trying to listen to a physics lecture.
Now to examine some matter.
Any old matter will do.
Mon, that's some cheap-ass matter.
What the hell is it? Oh, it's just a log I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea.
Now, to penetrate its deepest mysteries.
Hey, Fry Leela, no means no.
Oh, my.
There's a frog on a bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea.
And that's the ultimate secret of the universe? Apparently so.
Wait, there's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump on this log that I found in a hole in the bottom of the sea.
Dear Liza.
The snail itself is composed of cells, molecules, atoms.
Those things don't rhyme.
Things only rhyme below ten to the minus five angstroms, you dope.
Now, ions and pions, muons and gluons, neutrinos, gravitinos.
We're closing in on the very smallest particles of matter.
For the first time, we're about to observe the fundamental structure of the universe.
Such detail.
Such finely wrought, intricate beauty.
It's like staring into the face of God.
It's a mirror into Scruffy's soul.
This explains everything, even the big bang that created the universe.
All that's left is the mathematics.
Put down h-bar, carry the infinity, and My-reka! There it is, the grand unified theory, reducing all the laws of nature to a single equation.
Professor, you did it.
You solved the problem that baffled Elnstein and drove Stephen Hawking to quit physics and become a cartoon voice actor.
I like physics, but I love cartoons.
This is the greatest moment in scientific history.
At last, there are no more questions left to answer.
Well done, Professor.
Okay, back to work, everyone.
Wait, there are no more questions left to answer.
and those are today's high scores.
Linda? Thanks, Morbo.
Coming up next, Galaxians, what you need to know to protect your family.
How do you people do it? How do you go on, knowing there's nothing more to know? I watch TV.
It's the next best thing to being alive.
Oh, what's the use? I'm just not capable of the happiness of the dumb.
If only I'd made some mistake! You didn't.
I checked the invariance of your Lagrangian.
Hubba-hubba.
Then there's nothing left to do! Nothing! Would it cheer you up if I punched Fry in the groin? 'Cause I'll do it, regardless.
Body blow! Body blow! I devoted every waking minute to answering the fundamental questions of science.
I never married, rarely went outside, and now that I've found all the answers, I realize that what I was living for were the questions.
That stinks, Professor.
Too bad the universe made it turn out that way and not some other way.
I wonder why it did that.
Probably magnets.
Shut up, Hawking! Fry, you idiot! You're a genius! Why are the laws of physics what they are, instead of some other laws? To find out, we'd have to recreate the conditions before the big bang.
It would take decades of work by thousands of scientists in a particle accelerator powered by dump trucks of flaming grant money! Of course, there'd be no guarantee of success, and, in any case, I'd never live to see it.
I'm surprised you lived through that sentence.
Sorry you wasted your life, Professor.
I guess you'll never know everything after all.
Indeed.
The pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal.
Hooray! Action Delivery Force, assemble! Ha-ya! Ya! Hoo-oo! Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay.
And me, Mighty Merchandise Robot! Meanwhile, on Space Planet 4, the aliens who communicate by dancing were worshipping a giant comet.
Team assembled! What is that box, you old wltch? Ha, ha, ha.
I'll never tell you.
It's a deep space emotion detector.
The detector can tell you're impressed.
You should be! Wha The marvelous device, it's detecting a massive burst of anger from deep space! Flying bananas? Ha, ha.
I will slice them on my morning fish porridge.
This is no time for one of your jokes, Fry.
I will tell you something that's no joke.
I will lead the defense fight.
Don't make me laugh.
If we fight, we'll surely be destroyed.
Then what is our only hope? We must summon Zagtar, defender of space! You forget.
Zagtar was destroyed by the crystal space devil! The crystal space devil was once my brother Prince Hiroshi.
I mourn his loss, but what matters now is protecting Earth from that fruit armada.
I see your mother, the water mutant, didn't raise any fools, Turanga Leela.
Our only hope is to communicate with the aliens, and show them our peaceful intentions.
Perhaps they speak perfect English, as do we.
We can't take that chance.
We'll need my universal auto-translator.
This is my universal auto-translator.
That will show them our peaceful intentions.
The only question is who should be our spokesman? Me, me.
Choose Zoidberg.
Zoidberg a diplomat? The list of things I've heard now contains everything.
Hear my words.
My shell may be tough, like a samurai honeymoon mask, but inside I'm as soft and sensitive as a girl made of custard.
Custard time? Hooray! Please, I am certain I will succeed with my delicate manner.
Oops.
Instead, I will send the peace transmission.
Most honored visitors, we greet you in peace.
All attempts to communicate with the aliens have failed.
I fear our only option is thrilling space battle.
Power friends, go! Power friends, go! Oh! Launch all missiles! Launch all missiles! We were defeated in battle.
Oh, no! They're forming Gigatron! Defeat is ours.
If we can't communicate with these bone jelly ghosts, we're doomed! Professor, I have analyzed the aliens' movements with this movement analyzer.
That device was a gift from my ancestors.
Go on.
It seems their movements are a form of language.
Rather than speaking English! like us, they speak by dancing.
Of course! Having no mouths or ears, they could only communicate through motions.
Or perhaps by odors.
That is how you communicate.
Then our only hope to talk to them is by doing a peace dance.
But it will have to be smoother and more fluid than any movement mankind is capable of.
What if we hire a buttered gelsha? Another one of your ill-timed jokes, Fry? You and I are enemies now.
Hear my words.
I believe I, the most humble member of Action Delivery Team, could do such a dance.
Surely your hard shell is too rigid.
I call on anyone but you to do the peace dance.
Of course, I will do the peace dance.
But I will need help.
Super Dance Squad, initiate! Super Dance Squad, initlate! We all hope they're communicating a peaceful message.
We thought we were so smart with our science and dancing.
But look at us now, at Gigatron's mercy! The shame is too great.
It's time to end this.
Zoidberg, stop! We're too scared right now to enjoy the ceremony of your death.
No hara-kiri today, but "heiwa no dansu," the gelatinous dance of peace.
You may be gelatinous, but not even the Mochi Phantom could perform such intricate motions! Says you, salary-man.
Behold the dance of peace.
The dance is so complex.
The eye can barely follow it.
I may be the humblest team member, but I have given it my all.
I underestimated you, medical crab.
But will the aliens understand? Zoidberg, you are the greatest hero.
You saved us all.
For now.
But another threat from the stars is sure to arise next week at the same time.
Until then Action Delivery Force star hero rocket engage! English - US - PSDH