Family Ties (1982) s06e28 Episode Script
149 - Father, Can You Spare a Dime?
(no voice) I bet we've been together for a million years And I bet we'll be together for a million more Oh, it's like I started breathing On the night we kissed And I can't remember what I ever did before What would we do, baby, without us? What would we do, baby, without us? And there ain't no nothing we can't love each other through What would we do, baby, without us? Okay, Andy, here's your pop sticks and here's your glue.
What are you going to make? A mess.
Come on, Andy.
What did Nick teach you in art class? He taught me to let your artistic ideas spill out all over the place.
Sure.
That's because he doesn't have to clean it up.
I want to make a present for Nick.
I'm going to miss my art class.
I know you are, Andy.
Why does it have to end? Well, 'cause the community center needs the space and the class was only for six weeks anyway, so it has to end.
I can't work under these conditions.
Hi, guys.
Well, this was a successful trip to the supermarket! And good news.
There was a special on turkey franks.
It was not a special.
Sure there was.
Buy 300, get one free.
What's all this stuff? Oh, Andy's making a farewell gift for Nick.
A farewell gift for Nick? Let me help.
Dad, relax.
Nick's not going anywhere.
It's just that his art class is ending.
That's such a shame.
You know, I picked up Andy there last week, and-and I saw Nick teaching.
He's wonderful with those kids.
And he's not taking this sitting down.
He wants to start his own art school.
He went to the bank today to get a loan.
A loan? They won't even give him a calendar.
Don't laugh.
Alex went with him.
I think he really has a chance.
ALEX: Just explain to me, Nick, explain to me how you could do that, okay? You completely blew it.
What happened? What happened, we go down to the bank, my favorite bank; they love me there.
I mean, the bank manager's got a picture of me on his desk.
So what went wrong? Hey-hey, I don't know.
I-I walk into the bank, I go up to the guy behind the counter, and I say, "I need $5,000 and quick.
" So? So he rang the alarm.
I had to identify him to the police.
I hope the bank invites me to the annual money fondling picnic again.
Well, I guess that's the end of the art school.
This seems so wrong.
I mean, all you need is $5,000.
You know, I don't think you have any other choice.
There's only one place to go to get this money, and you know it.
Where's that? To your father.
- (whispers): Yes.
- (whispers): Thank God.
Uh, no way.
I told you, he and I are not on speaking terms.
There is no way that I am asking him.
Okay, everybody, paint brushes down! All right, all right.
Let's check it out, see what we got here, huh? Whoa.
Hey, you know something? We're good.
You know something? You're right, we are good.
This is great, huh? Anyway, next week, we are going to do collages.
What about the week after that? There isn't going to be any week after that, honey.
Class is over then.
(kids groaning) Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.
But that does not mean you guys got to stop doing your work, right? Okay, now come on.
Let's get your coats and everything.
Everybody find your moms.
Bye-bye.
- We'll see you next week.
- KIDS: Bye.
Nick, I already did my work.
Oh, hey, Andy.
This is very creative.
You got, let me see, a house with a tree, and a, uh, birdie mowing the lawn.
That's not a bird.
- That's Dad.
- Oh.
Really? I thought that was your mother.
Oh, no, no, that's definitely you, Mr.
Keaton.
Uh, check out the spindly legs.
Always a pleasure, Nick.
Hey, bye-bye, Andy.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Mr.
Keaton.
Bye-bye, art class.
Nick, you can't let this happen.
You've got to keep teaching.
Well, Mal, what am I going to do? How about your father? Oh, no, no, no.
He is not going to help me.
He has to, Nick; that's the rule.
Fathers have to help their children.
Mal, he walked out on us when I was 11 years old.
Well, do you know where he is now? Yeah, sure.
He's got a, uh, used car lot downtown.
Joe Moore's Motors.
Joe Moore?! The one on TV?! I love his commercials! Especially the one where he walks on top of the cars wearing stilts.
How does he do that? I don't know.
He used to do that at home, too.
Nick, a lot of time has passed.
I mean, maybe he's changed.
Nick, give him a call.
If-if he doesn't want to see you, fine, forget it.
But if he does, then maybe you can work something out.
Hey, my old man here yet? No, no.
Come on in.
Look, uh, Alex, I hope you don't mind me having this little family reunion here.
You know, Mal thought it would be a good idea for me and my father to meet on neutral territory.
Nick, let me tell you something, okay? This is our living room.
Switzerland is neutral territory.
But, uh, listen, seeing as your father's coming over, and-and he has that-that lot full of used cars, wonder if you could mention to him that I just, I happen to be in the market for, uh, for a very reliable, I mean, I mean, bargain-priced, rock bottom, almost free Jaguar.
Look, Alex, Alex, you don't understand.
Me and my old man, we don't get along.
You know, I ain't got nothing to talk to him about.
You don't know how lucky you are to have a dad who loves you.
You know, a dad with class.
A dad you can be proud of.
Turkey franks, anyone? I got turkey frank pâté.
I got turkey frank meatballs.
And my personal favorite, turkey Frank Sinatra.
You were saying, Nick? (doorbell rings) That's him! That's him! Now wait a minute.
Don't get Oh, my God, Dad! Now, just 'cause this man is on television is no reason to get crazy.
Dad! Just act natural, all right? Everybody, you hear me? Just act natural.
Okay? Okay, hey.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Stand back.
I'm going to open the door now.
Are we greeting your father or molten lava? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
My God, Elyse, they're speaking Nick-anese.
Look at you.
You look great! Yeah, you look great, too.
Yeah.
I don't see what the problem is.
They seem to agree on everything.
Hey, hey-ey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I think they're summing up now.
Joe, I'd like you to meet Mrs.
And Mr.
Keaton.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Alex and Jennifer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
And my lovely girlfriend, Mallory.
Mallory.
- I love your work.
- Yeah.
Uh, now you met me, I want you to meet my better half, uh, my car.
Oh.
- Ain't she a beauty? - (whistles) I call her Marie.
You got yourself a good woman there, Joe.
Uh, you know, if you like her so much, she just happens to have a twin down at the lot, name of Joann.
Joann recently passed her emissions test.
Joe, Joe, Joe, these people do not want to buy a car.
Hey, don't go nuts, okay? It's a reflex.
I sell, I sell.
Huh? Okay.
- Uh, excuse me, uh, Joe.
- Yeah? Uh, listen, I was just wondering.
How much would a couple of classy girls like Marie and, uh, and Joann set a guy like me back? Emotionally, I don't think I can bear to part with either one of them.
But $7,000 might help me compensate for any severe separation anxieties.
Well, well, why don't we all sit down and, uh, get to know each other, huh? That's a good idea, Nick.
You always were the one with the brains in the family.
How-how about an hors d'oeuvre, Joe? Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Oh, look at that, turkey franks.
They're gorgeous.
Ah, if I have one, I got to have a million.
(chuckles) Well, you came to the right house.
Look, Joe, about this business proposition.
Uh, what I want to do is start a Business later.
The night is young.
Look, look, look, Joe, this is very simple, and I would really like to get it out of the way, okay? Nicky you miss your old man, huh? Come over here.
Come here.
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
I don't feel like it.
Hey, come on.
Give me a hug.
Come on.
There.
Hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
What's this? It's a bread box for Nick.
A bread box? Wait a minute, I thought I thought we decided what we were going to make for Nick's farewell present.
Huh? What did we say we were going to make? The Reagan Ranch.
That's right, that's right.
I got the plans right here.
I even now this is great even have plans for a little, uh, a little pop stick Ron and a little pop stick Nancy.
How about a pop stick jail for his cabinet? Yeah, okay.
I get it, I get it.
The minute I leave, you guys, you guys turn on me, you change your mind.
All right, that's fine.
I don't need you guys.
I will build my own Reagan Ranch.
I will build my own pop stick empire.
(sarcastic laugh) Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't.
I stayed up all night eating ice cream pops for those sticks! Nick, I'm so excited.
We're going to see 101 Dalmatians for the 101st time! Quick-quick-quick, turn on the TV.
- I don't want to miss any of the barking.
- Okay.
(banjo playing over TV) JOE (over TV): This is Joe "I've got a cherry of a deal for you" Moore.
(chuckles) At Joe Moore Motors, you get more.
More value, more quality, more car for your car-buying buck.
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
I got to turn it down.
Oh, Nick, you have to be a little bit more understanding.
I mean, Joe does things the best way he knows how.
I mean, granted, he's not the classiest guy in the world.
I mean, he's not you.
You see, that's just it.
You know, you caught all the breaks.
Your dad's smart, your dad's intellectual, your dad's distinguished.
Oh, boy! 101 Dalmatians.
(clears throat) Did I miss any barking? You see, Mal? You see? My father never did anything like this with me.
You know, Mr.
Keaton, in a way, my father's not my father.
You're my father.
Oh, Nick.
Don't say that.
- (doorbell rings) - I'll get it.
- (shrieks) - JOE: Hey, sir or madam! Guess who.
I'll give you a hint.
It's me! (laughs) Joe, you're so funny! I brought presents.
Uh, personalized mud flaps for everybody.
- Oh! - Hey! Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, Joe.
I'm-I'm going to run these mud flaps up to Elyse.
Uh, our anniversary's coming up.
Congratulations.
Joe, tell me, what kind of transportation could a fellow get for $500? You can get on a bus to Haiti.
(chuckles) Okay, all right.
I'll come back when you, when you stop kidding around, huh? - Okay.
Thanks.
- All right.
And for you, Nick, I got something special.
Me.
Huh? Oh, hey, thanks, Joe.
I ain't got nothing like this.
How about I take you two out to dinner at the Fish Shanty? You remember the Fish Shanty, huh? - No.
- Come on! It was your favorite restaurant.
I took you there once.
Yeah, yeah, right, I remember.
Beautiful time.
No.
No, I didn't have such a beautiful time at the Fish Shanty.
As I remember, you met up with a couple of your buddies, uh, started drinking, and you had to have the waiter drive me home.
It's funny.
I don't remember it that way.
Well, that's the way it happened.
Look, why don't we forget talking about the good old days and, uh, talk about my art school, okay? Well, you could talk about it over dinner.
Somehow, I lost my appetite.
Oh.
Uh, Nick.
Hmm? I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow afternoon, come down to the lot.
You tell me what your needs are, I'll make out a check for you.
(door closes) Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Very clever indeed.
You really pinned me to the wall on this one.
Uh, let's see what we have here.
With the rebate, the dealer warranty, and No! Oh, you get one cherry of a deal, my good friend, at 1,995.
I beg to differ, my good friend.
But the automobile in question, if squeezed into a glass of water, would produce a tangy and refreshing glass of lemonade.
You insult me, my dear friend.
And yet, I take no personal offense.
The car does have a certain citrus quality which may be easier to swallow at the paltry price of 1,775.
A good price and a wonderful year.
Hey.
Alex, what are you doing here? I'm trying to buy an automobile, but, uh, Joe and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye.
Careful, he's a snake.
Hey, don't worry, Mal, I can take care of this guy.
I was talking to Joe.
Alex, I'll tell you what I want you to do.
I want you to take her out for a test drive.
I know you're going to love the way she handles.
Just don't turn right.
Ah.
Okay, Nicky, what do you need? It's really great what you're doing for Nick, Joe.
It really means a lot to him.
Here you go, son.
$5,000.
Hey, uh, thanks, Joe.
I really appreciate this.
Uh, I'll make sure I get it back to you.
Excuse me, Mallory.
I would like to have a private moment with my son.
Oh, sure, sure.
I-I'll just go join Alex.
Yes, I see him out there going around in circles.
So, uh, what do you want, Joe? I just gave you 5,000 smackers.
Don't call me "Joe," call me "Dad.
" I don't know.
It's not easy.
- I'm your father, right? - Yeah, you're my father.
I brought you into this world, right? Yeah, and I've been meaning to thank you for that.
You can thank me.
You can thank me by calling me "Dad.
" Hey, hey, let's not start this, all right? What's the point? We both know what's gone down between us.
In other words, you're going to take the money and you're going to be off on your sweet way? Is that what it is? Well, what else is there here for me, huh? There's me, Nicky.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Who are you kidding, huh? I was there.
I was there the day you walked out.
What is with you, huh? Are you determined not to forgive me, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter nothing?! Huh?! You don't understand me! You don't know my side of the story! Oh, yeah? What is your side of the story? Okay, you want to know my side of the story? I'm going to tell you! Your mother and I never loved each other, okay? We got married because she was pregnant with you.
We tried to make it work, Nicky.
Believe me, we tried.
We did everything we could do, but there was no way.
But that's all in the past now.
Can't we get beyond this point? Maybe you can, but I can't.
I was 11 years old the day you walked out that door.
And that was my childhood, the only one I'll ever have, and there was no father there! Hey! You called, I came.
You said you needed money, I gave you a check.
What else do you want from me? Not this.
Well, this happens to be a particularly interesting collage.
Uh, we got a man's head on a kangaroo's body.
Anybody know what we call that? KIDS: No.
A mangaroo.
(kids laugh) All right, all right, everybody, it's time to call it quits.
(kids groaning) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I am not that happy about it, either.
And I'm going to miss each and every one of you.
But I got a very special present for all of you over here on the table.
So make sure you pick one up before you go, all right? Hey-ey! I'll see you later, all right? - You take care.
- Bye, Nick.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Nick, I have a present for you.
- Whoa.
- It's a breadbox.
Oh, great, Andy.
Thanks.
Take care, buddy.
Nick this is for you.
It's the Reagan Ranch.
Buddy, thanks.
(grunting) No, forget it, Nick! Forget it, Nick! I worked all night on this! This is mine, okay?! This is my ranch, all right? This is mine.
I'm taking this, too.
I want this, too.
- How are you, Joe? - Hey.
- Hey, Joe.
Uh, what is this, some kind of kids' coloring center? Well, uh, in a manner of speaking.
So, uh, Nick is the chief colorer? He's very talented and he's wonderful with children.
Oh, yeah? A chip off the old block, huh? I got a way with kids.
Hey, kid, you got a smoke? - Nick.
Nick.
- Huh? Look who's here.
Hi.
I'm really glad you could come, Joe.
Yeah, Mallory.
Have a seat.
Huh.
(clears throat) So, you're a teacher, huh? Who would have ever thought a son of mine would be a teacher? You know, Nick, when you were born, I just had one dream for you: That you'd turn out to be better than me.
No, I never wanted to be better than you.
You're my dad.
I looked up to you.
I just wanted you to be around.
I just wanted you to be there to teach me things, like how to throw a ball or how to ask a girl out or how to dance.
Hey, it's not too late.
What do you want to learn, the mambo, the cha-cha, the hunky-dory chicky-dory? Hey.
Huh? Hey-hey, I am serious here, you know? This may be a big joke to you, but this is my life we're talking about.
All right, all right.
So I was a lousy father, all right? So I fooled around, I went to the track, I went to the pool hall.
You know what hurt me? Is that you just forgot about me.
I never forgot you, Nick.
I followed everything you ever did.
I went to every one of your art shows when you weren't there, because I didn't think you wanted to see me.
You did that? Yeah.
You remember the first painting you ever sold? Yeah, sure.
Uh, Woman With Half- Eaten Burger.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's hanging in my living room.
- You bought it? - Yeah.
I went home last night after you came to the lot, and I'm looking at it.
And I realized, unless I work things out, that would be the only thing I ever have of you.
Nicky, I want to start again.
But I want to start right this time.
I want that, too.
How about we go out for some fish and talk? I mean, really talk.
Yeah, I'd like that.
By the way, I still got that check for your school.
And this time, you're going to take it.
How can I say no Dad? Yeah.
Ah.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)
What are you going to make? A mess.
Come on, Andy.
What did Nick teach you in art class? He taught me to let your artistic ideas spill out all over the place.
Sure.
That's because he doesn't have to clean it up.
I want to make a present for Nick.
I'm going to miss my art class.
I know you are, Andy.
Why does it have to end? Well, 'cause the community center needs the space and the class was only for six weeks anyway, so it has to end.
I can't work under these conditions.
Hi, guys.
Well, this was a successful trip to the supermarket! And good news.
There was a special on turkey franks.
It was not a special.
Sure there was.
Buy 300, get one free.
What's all this stuff? Oh, Andy's making a farewell gift for Nick.
A farewell gift for Nick? Let me help.
Dad, relax.
Nick's not going anywhere.
It's just that his art class is ending.
That's such a shame.
You know, I picked up Andy there last week, and-and I saw Nick teaching.
He's wonderful with those kids.
And he's not taking this sitting down.
He wants to start his own art school.
He went to the bank today to get a loan.
A loan? They won't even give him a calendar.
Don't laugh.
Alex went with him.
I think he really has a chance.
ALEX: Just explain to me, Nick, explain to me how you could do that, okay? You completely blew it.
What happened? What happened, we go down to the bank, my favorite bank; they love me there.
I mean, the bank manager's got a picture of me on his desk.
So what went wrong? Hey-hey, I don't know.
I-I walk into the bank, I go up to the guy behind the counter, and I say, "I need $5,000 and quick.
" So? So he rang the alarm.
I had to identify him to the police.
I hope the bank invites me to the annual money fondling picnic again.
Well, I guess that's the end of the art school.
This seems so wrong.
I mean, all you need is $5,000.
You know, I don't think you have any other choice.
There's only one place to go to get this money, and you know it.
Where's that? To your father.
- (whispers): Yes.
- (whispers): Thank God.
Uh, no way.
I told you, he and I are not on speaking terms.
There is no way that I am asking him.
Okay, everybody, paint brushes down! All right, all right.
Let's check it out, see what we got here, huh? Whoa.
Hey, you know something? We're good.
You know something? You're right, we are good.
This is great, huh? Anyway, next week, we are going to do collages.
What about the week after that? There isn't going to be any week after that, honey.
Class is over then.
(kids groaning) Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.
But that does not mean you guys got to stop doing your work, right? Okay, now come on.
Let's get your coats and everything.
Everybody find your moms.
Bye-bye.
- We'll see you next week.
- KIDS: Bye.
Nick, I already did my work.
Oh, hey, Andy.
This is very creative.
You got, let me see, a house with a tree, and a, uh, birdie mowing the lawn.
That's not a bird.
- That's Dad.
- Oh.
Really? I thought that was your mother.
Oh, no, no, that's definitely you, Mr.
Keaton.
Uh, check out the spindly legs.
Always a pleasure, Nick.
Hey, bye-bye, Andy.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye, Mr.
Keaton.
Bye-bye, art class.
Nick, you can't let this happen.
You've got to keep teaching.
Well, Mal, what am I going to do? How about your father? Oh, no, no, no.
He is not going to help me.
He has to, Nick; that's the rule.
Fathers have to help their children.
Mal, he walked out on us when I was 11 years old.
Well, do you know where he is now? Yeah, sure.
He's got a, uh, used car lot downtown.
Joe Moore's Motors.
Joe Moore?! The one on TV?! I love his commercials! Especially the one where he walks on top of the cars wearing stilts.
How does he do that? I don't know.
He used to do that at home, too.
Nick, a lot of time has passed.
I mean, maybe he's changed.
Nick, give him a call.
If-if he doesn't want to see you, fine, forget it.
But if he does, then maybe you can work something out.
Hey, my old man here yet? No, no.
Come on in.
Look, uh, Alex, I hope you don't mind me having this little family reunion here.
You know, Mal thought it would be a good idea for me and my father to meet on neutral territory.
Nick, let me tell you something, okay? This is our living room.
Switzerland is neutral territory.
But, uh, listen, seeing as your father's coming over, and-and he has that-that lot full of used cars, wonder if you could mention to him that I just, I happen to be in the market for, uh, for a very reliable, I mean, I mean, bargain-priced, rock bottom, almost free Jaguar.
Look, Alex, Alex, you don't understand.
Me and my old man, we don't get along.
You know, I ain't got nothing to talk to him about.
You don't know how lucky you are to have a dad who loves you.
You know, a dad with class.
A dad you can be proud of.
Turkey franks, anyone? I got turkey frank pâté.
I got turkey frank meatballs.
And my personal favorite, turkey Frank Sinatra.
You were saying, Nick? (doorbell rings) That's him! That's him! Now wait a minute.
Don't get Oh, my God, Dad! Now, just 'cause this man is on television is no reason to get crazy.
Dad! Just act natural, all right? Everybody, you hear me? Just act natural.
Okay? Okay, hey.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Stand back.
I'm going to open the door now.
Are we greeting your father or molten lava? Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
My God, Elyse, they're speaking Nick-anese.
Look at you.
You look great! Yeah, you look great, too.
Yeah.
I don't see what the problem is.
They seem to agree on everything.
Hey, hey-ey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I think they're summing up now.
Joe, I'd like you to meet Mrs.
And Mr.
Keaton.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Alex and Jennifer.
- Hey.
- Hey.
And my lovely girlfriend, Mallory.
Mallory.
- I love your work.
- Yeah.
Uh, now you met me, I want you to meet my better half, uh, my car.
Oh.
- Ain't she a beauty? - (whistles) I call her Marie.
You got yourself a good woman there, Joe.
Uh, you know, if you like her so much, she just happens to have a twin down at the lot, name of Joann.
Joann recently passed her emissions test.
Joe, Joe, Joe, these people do not want to buy a car.
Hey, don't go nuts, okay? It's a reflex.
I sell, I sell.
Huh? Okay.
- Uh, excuse me, uh, Joe.
- Yeah? Uh, listen, I was just wondering.
How much would a couple of classy girls like Marie and, uh, and Joann set a guy like me back? Emotionally, I don't think I can bear to part with either one of them.
But $7,000 might help me compensate for any severe separation anxieties.
Well, well, why don't we all sit down and, uh, get to know each other, huh? That's a good idea, Nick.
You always were the one with the brains in the family.
How-how about an hors d'oeuvre, Joe? Oh, I don't mind if I do.
Oh, look at that, turkey franks.
They're gorgeous.
Ah, if I have one, I got to have a million.
(chuckles) Well, you came to the right house.
Look, Joe, about this business proposition.
Uh, what I want to do is start a Business later.
The night is young.
Look, look, look, Joe, this is very simple, and I would really like to get it out of the way, okay? Nicky you miss your old man, huh? Come over here.
Come here.
Give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
I don't feel like it.
Hey, come on.
Give me a hug.
Come on.
There.
Hey.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
What's this? It's a bread box for Nick.
A bread box? Wait a minute, I thought I thought we decided what we were going to make for Nick's farewell present.
Huh? What did we say we were going to make? The Reagan Ranch.
That's right, that's right.
I got the plans right here.
I even now this is great even have plans for a little, uh, a little pop stick Ron and a little pop stick Nancy.
How about a pop stick jail for his cabinet? Yeah, okay.
I get it, I get it.
The minute I leave, you guys, you guys turn on me, you change your mind.
All right, that's fine.
I don't need you guys.
I will build my own Reagan Ranch.
I will build my own pop stick empire.
(sarcastic laugh) Oh, no, you don't.
No, you don't.
I stayed up all night eating ice cream pops for those sticks! Nick, I'm so excited.
We're going to see 101 Dalmatians for the 101st time! Quick-quick-quick, turn on the TV.
- I don't want to miss any of the barking.
- Okay.
(banjo playing over TV) JOE (over TV): This is Joe "I've got a cherry of a deal for you" Moore.
(chuckles) At Joe Moore Motors, you get more.
More value, more quality, more car for your car-buying buck.
Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
I got to turn it down.
Oh, Nick, you have to be a little bit more understanding.
I mean, Joe does things the best way he knows how.
I mean, granted, he's not the classiest guy in the world.
I mean, he's not you.
You see, that's just it.
You know, you caught all the breaks.
Your dad's smart, your dad's intellectual, your dad's distinguished.
Oh, boy! 101 Dalmatians.
(clears throat) Did I miss any barking? You see, Mal? You see? My father never did anything like this with me.
You know, Mr.
Keaton, in a way, my father's not my father.
You're my father.
Oh, Nick.
Don't say that.
- (doorbell rings) - I'll get it.
- (shrieks) - JOE: Hey, sir or madam! Guess who.
I'll give you a hint.
It's me! (laughs) Joe, you're so funny! I brought presents.
Uh, personalized mud flaps for everybody.
- Oh! - Hey! Ooh.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you, Joe.
I'm-I'm going to run these mud flaps up to Elyse.
Uh, our anniversary's coming up.
Congratulations.
Joe, tell me, what kind of transportation could a fellow get for $500? You can get on a bus to Haiti.
(chuckles) Okay, all right.
I'll come back when you, when you stop kidding around, huh? - Okay.
Thanks.
- All right.
And for you, Nick, I got something special.
Me.
Huh? Oh, hey, thanks, Joe.
I ain't got nothing like this.
How about I take you two out to dinner at the Fish Shanty? You remember the Fish Shanty, huh? - No.
- Come on! It was your favorite restaurant.
I took you there once.
Yeah, yeah, right, I remember.
Beautiful time.
No.
No, I didn't have such a beautiful time at the Fish Shanty.
As I remember, you met up with a couple of your buddies, uh, started drinking, and you had to have the waiter drive me home.
It's funny.
I don't remember it that way.
Well, that's the way it happened.
Look, why don't we forget talking about the good old days and, uh, talk about my art school, okay? Well, you could talk about it over dinner.
Somehow, I lost my appetite.
Oh.
Uh, Nick.
Hmm? I'll tell you what.
Tomorrow afternoon, come down to the lot.
You tell me what your needs are, I'll make out a check for you.
(door closes) Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Very clever indeed.
You really pinned me to the wall on this one.
Uh, let's see what we have here.
With the rebate, the dealer warranty, and No! Oh, you get one cherry of a deal, my good friend, at 1,995.
I beg to differ, my good friend.
But the automobile in question, if squeezed into a glass of water, would produce a tangy and refreshing glass of lemonade.
You insult me, my dear friend.
And yet, I take no personal offense.
The car does have a certain citrus quality which may be easier to swallow at the paltry price of 1,775.
A good price and a wonderful year.
Hey.
Alex, what are you doing here? I'm trying to buy an automobile, but, uh, Joe and I aren't seeing eye-to-eye.
Careful, he's a snake.
Hey, don't worry, Mal, I can take care of this guy.
I was talking to Joe.
Alex, I'll tell you what I want you to do.
I want you to take her out for a test drive.
I know you're going to love the way she handles.
Just don't turn right.
Ah.
Okay, Nicky, what do you need? It's really great what you're doing for Nick, Joe.
It really means a lot to him.
Here you go, son.
$5,000.
Hey, uh, thanks, Joe.
I really appreciate this.
Uh, I'll make sure I get it back to you.
Excuse me, Mallory.
I would like to have a private moment with my son.
Oh, sure, sure.
I-I'll just go join Alex.
Yes, I see him out there going around in circles.
So, uh, what do you want, Joe? I just gave you 5,000 smackers.
Don't call me "Joe," call me "Dad.
" I don't know.
It's not easy.
- I'm your father, right? - Yeah, you're my father.
I brought you into this world, right? Yeah, and I've been meaning to thank you for that.
You can thank me.
You can thank me by calling me "Dad.
" Hey, hey, let's not start this, all right? What's the point? We both know what's gone down between us.
In other words, you're going to take the money and you're going to be off on your sweet way? Is that what it is? Well, what else is there here for me, huh? There's me, Nicky.
Oh, come on, Joe.
Who are you kidding, huh? I was there.
I was there the day you walked out.
What is with you, huh? Are you determined not to forgive me, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter nothing?! Huh?! You don't understand me! You don't know my side of the story! Oh, yeah? What is your side of the story? Okay, you want to know my side of the story? I'm going to tell you! Your mother and I never loved each other, okay? We got married because she was pregnant with you.
We tried to make it work, Nicky.
Believe me, we tried.
We did everything we could do, but there was no way.
But that's all in the past now.
Can't we get beyond this point? Maybe you can, but I can't.
I was 11 years old the day you walked out that door.
And that was my childhood, the only one I'll ever have, and there was no father there! Hey! You called, I came.
You said you needed money, I gave you a check.
What else do you want from me? Not this.
Well, this happens to be a particularly interesting collage.
Uh, we got a man's head on a kangaroo's body.
Anybody know what we call that? KIDS: No.
A mangaroo.
(kids laugh) All right, all right, everybody, it's time to call it quits.
(kids groaning) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I am not that happy about it, either.
And I'm going to miss each and every one of you.
But I got a very special present for all of you over here on the table.
So make sure you pick one up before you go, all right? Hey-ey! I'll see you later, all right? - You take care.
- Bye, Nick.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Nick, I have a present for you.
- Whoa.
- It's a breadbox.
Oh, great, Andy.
Thanks.
Take care, buddy.
Nick this is for you.
It's the Reagan Ranch.
Buddy, thanks.
(grunting) No, forget it, Nick! Forget it, Nick! I worked all night on this! This is mine, okay?! This is my ranch, all right? This is mine.
I'm taking this, too.
I want this, too.
- How are you, Joe? - Hey.
- Hey, Joe.
Uh, what is this, some kind of kids' coloring center? Well, uh, in a manner of speaking.
So, uh, Nick is the chief colorer? He's very talented and he's wonderful with children.
Oh, yeah? A chip off the old block, huh? I got a way with kids.
Hey, kid, you got a smoke? - Nick.
Nick.
- Huh? Look who's here.
Hi.
I'm really glad you could come, Joe.
Yeah, Mallory.
Have a seat.
Huh.
(clears throat) So, you're a teacher, huh? Who would have ever thought a son of mine would be a teacher? You know, Nick, when you were born, I just had one dream for you: That you'd turn out to be better than me.
No, I never wanted to be better than you.
You're my dad.
I looked up to you.
I just wanted you to be around.
I just wanted you to be there to teach me things, like how to throw a ball or how to ask a girl out or how to dance.
Hey, it's not too late.
What do you want to learn, the mambo, the cha-cha, the hunky-dory chicky-dory? Hey.
Huh? Hey-hey, I am serious here, you know? This may be a big joke to you, but this is my life we're talking about.
All right, all right.
So I was a lousy father, all right? So I fooled around, I went to the track, I went to the pool hall.
You know what hurt me? Is that you just forgot about me.
I never forgot you, Nick.
I followed everything you ever did.
I went to every one of your art shows when you weren't there, because I didn't think you wanted to see me.
You did that? Yeah.
You remember the first painting you ever sold? Yeah, sure.
Uh, Woman With Half- Eaten Burger.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's hanging in my living room.
- You bought it? - Yeah.
I went home last night after you came to the lot, and I'm looking at it.
And I realized, unless I work things out, that would be the only thing I ever have of you.
Nicky, I want to start again.
But I want to start right this time.
I want that, too.
How about we go out for some fish and talk? I mean, really talk.
Yeah, I'd like that.
By the way, I still got that check for your school.
And this time, you're going to take it.
How can I say no Dad? Yeah.
Ah.
MAN: Sit, Ubu, sit.
Good dog.
(Ubu barks)