Still Game (2002) s07e00 Episode Script

1 (KNOCK AT DOOR) - You aboot ready? - I am a baw-hair away fae perfection, Jack.
Here.
Ye hungry? Fancy a wee sandwich? A wee sandwich, aye.
As long as it's no' turkey.
It's turkey, in't it? Aye, it's turkey, aye.
Hmm.
Jack, think it's aboot time we were parting company with that fella, d'you no'? Aye.
It's nigh-on abuse, in't it? It's done.
We'll just have tae accept it.
I've got a better idea.
Aww, the lid came off the Roses, aww, the lid came off the Roses And we tanned them in small doses - When the lid came off the Roses.
- Youse in? - Heh? Oh! What's aw the singin' aboot? Hello, Isa.
- Would you like a chocolate? - That'd be lovely.
(SARCASTICALLY) Help yersel'.
Where's Winston? He's, eh - He's in the - I'll tell ye where he is.
He's in ma lavvy emptying his guts, the dirty pig.
Ergh.
Smashin'.
Ye cannae beat a good, big, hearty Hogmanay shhhh Isa! Hello.
Aye, see? Ye nearly embarrassed yersel' there.
In aw the years, I've never done that.
Done what? Saved up a big dirty number two and drapped it aff at a pal's hoose.
- It's the height of ignorance.
- You live across the landing.
What should I dae? Go tae my ain hoose when I'm needin'? Ye've stunk the whole place oot.
It's a pull-through wi' a Christmas tree you're needing! Shut up.
It's New Year.
Oot with the old Isa, sit doon, darlin'.
C'mon, get a sherry.
Right, well.
We'll tan these and get over tae Tam's, eh? Don't see why not.
Nae rush.
- Oh, that's lovely.
- First of many the night.
Here's tae us! All the best.
Here, I never telt youse.
I bumped intae Betty Traynor.
They're getting new heating and everything.
(ALL) Better get up there, eh? I'll get this.
- Too many people.
- Four? Four's too many? No, it says maximum eight.
- Or 1200lbs.
- Aye - Don't start.
I'm the lightest I've been in five year.
Aye, well, you're ten pound lighter after usin ma lavvy! Here we go noo.
S'opening again.
That's it shutting.
Oh, here, that's it open again.
- Yes, we can see that, Isa! - Right, let's go.
Use the stairs.
No way.
It's Isa's bag.
- Will you get in the lift, woman? - Press it again, Jack.
Oh, that would be a fine start to the New Year, eh? Stuck in the bloody hoist.
Youse would love that, wouldn't ye? Stuck in here wi' me gabbing away like a budgie.
Youse would strangle me! Oh, Charlie.
No, we're full up here, son.
What we'll do is go down to the bottom and send it back up, OK? - It hauds eight.
- Aye, I know that, Charlie, but Right, OK.
You're in.
Press ten.
One floor? Could ye no' have just walked doon? Naw.
Oops.
That's awright, son.
It's ma foot.
- Sorry, pal.
- Nae worries.
It's rubber.
- Ye wantin' a wee chocolate, son? - Aye Keep 'em coming! Away, that lazy, fat bastard.
One floor! - Did you call me a fat bastard? - No, just wished you all the best when it comes! That was close.
- What's that now? - Oh, naw! - Whit's happening? - That big balloon's broke the lift.
- Oh, my God! - Don't panic, Isa.
Help is at hand.
Excuse me, Jack.
Hello? Hello? Eh, that's no' working just noo.
- (ISA GIGGLES) - What's so funny? There's me jokin' away aboot getting stuck in the lift and we actually are.
At New Year! - Help! Somebody! - Hello! Hey, hey, hey! Calm doon! It's Hogmanay, in't it? People are oot and aboot, gaun' places.
In a couple of minutes somebody will realise this lift isnae working and they'll phone an engineer! Aye! Let me get this right.
There's a lift engineer sittin' by the phone, and he's thinking "Ooh, it's Hogmanay.
"What'll I dae? Will I go out and get pished wi' ma engineer pals, "or will I sit here like a walloper by the phone, just in case that lift in Osprey Heights goes aff?" Face it we're stuck.
We're going naewhere.
Aye, but yer modern lifts aren't about engineers any more, are they? They're automatic.
Electronic.
Wi' yer central switches and aw that.
When yer lift goes off it knows that it's off and that's when it kicks up.
Like what? Sensors and that.
And diodes and you've got the dampers - Shut up, Jack.
- Right.
Here, Jack.
Want a beer? Aye, OK.
Smashing, yeah.
Smashing.
Drinking! Love in an elevator! Livin' it up when I'm going down! How long's that been now, Jack? Two hours and 20 minutes.
Haud on, that's us now.
Get your haun in there.
Oh, here.
We're between floors.
That's a start.
Hello, is anybody there at all? Hello! We need help here! Nae way, man! C'mere till you see this! What youse daein' in there? Gonnae have a New Year party? Listen, could ye go doon and get somebody to help us? Cannae go doon, man.
The lift's aff.
We understand that.
Just wondering if you could run doon the stairs and get somebody to help us.
Cannae run doon aw they stairs.
Not when you're oot your tits.
Stairs freak ye oot, man.
- Do either of you have a phone? - I've got a phone, man.
Could you phone the Fire Brigade? Oh, right.
Are youse oan fire? - Gonnae just phone them, son? Please? - Haud on the noo.
Cannae phone, man.
You can only phone if your top-up is aw topped up.
But I've no' topped up ma top-up.
So ye cannae get talkin' oan it.
I dunno what that means.
Ye cannae help us? - Gie's a tenner.
- For what? - Tae help you.
You listen tae me, ya wee tadger! Ten quid, man.
Ten quid buys your freedom.
Och! - Here.
Gie him that.
- Square you up later on.
- Just gie him it! There you are.
Go on.
Feechees.
- Sorry? - Feechees.
Yes.
Feechees to you, too.
Are you helping us or what? Naw.
A tenner fae each o' youse.
40 bloody quid, eh? There you are.
Right.
Here how it's gonnae work.
We've got tae go tae a party.
- We'll be there tae, say - The morra morning.
Aye, deffo.
Morra morning.
There's usually somebody that gets rolls milk.
If we see an engineer, we're gonnae totally mention tae him that youse are stuck in here.
Haud on the noo.
Youse any other tenners on ye? Away you go! You've had the lot aff us, ya wee waster! Aw, that's cheeky, man.
Totally cheeky.
There wis us gonnae help ye, tae.
Do you know, in all the years I've been living up here I don't think this lift's ever been broken? Aye.
They've always been good.
- Aye.
- Good lifts? - Youse two must have Alzheimer's.
- Eh? When did you move here? When did I? Eh 1970 '70 Five.
Aye.
'75.
You remember yer first Hogmanay then? Aye! Wow.
What's that smell? That, my dear, is FIST.
The essence of man.
Mmm.
That's something! Isn't it? You know what? I wish we didnae have anyone coming round tonight.
Oh aye? So they didnae need to smell that.
C'mon, Betty! That wasnae cheap stuff.
That cost me three and a half quid! - It's weird, isn't it? - What's that? - Being in a new hoose.
Aye.
It's strange.
- You've got it lovely though! - By the way, the lift's aff.
You're jokin'.
There's no way people are gonnae climb 14 flights to come to a party! Stop worrying.
They'll be here.
(MUSIC: "That's The Way I Like It" by KC & The Sunshine Band) - That's the way, uh-huh-uh-huh, I like it - (DOORBELL) You're all right, sweetheart.
I'll get that! Jackie, ma man! Jean, doll! Come in! Lift's knackered.
I know.
Murder, eh? Jesus, Victor.
You've landed on your feet here! This is like Hugh Hefner! Done aw this in two days? Aye.
Bedroom's still full of boxes.
Gie's your coat aff you! Aye, there ye go.
Excellent! Aw, whit? Oot.
What? The shirt! The tie! You're going to have to change.
You change.
I'm no' traipsing awe the way over the estate tae change a daft shirt! People will think we're a couple of woofters! Shut up! It's only a shirt.
Am I getting a drink? Right.
Oh ho ho! Sweet, Vic.
I like that.
Get that doon ye, Jack.
Place is looking dynamite! Come and see this.
Oh, that's fantastic.
- What colour's that? - Avocado.
- Avocado? It's like something out the Modern Homes Exhibition.
I've never seen anything like that! Great, eh? Incredible.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Who's ready to party? Woah, Winston, who are all these people? Look.
You're new to Craiglang, in't ye? You don't know anybody, so I brought people.
Want tae meet some nice people? Friendly? That's what it's all about, man! - I don't know them.
- Ye will by the end of the night.
Relax.
It's a party, for God's sake.
Eh, up! Jack! She'll go off her nut! Who wears the flares in this hoose of yours? Anywhere to put our coats? - Aye, aye.
I'll take them.
- Right just through by there Jack! Gie's us a haun wi' this.
Where did you get that? Well I, eh ah you know? No, I don't know.
Where did ye get it? - I stole it fae the back of the Clansman.
- Ye can't bring it here.
Get shot of it.
I've just humped this up 14 flights.
If you want rid of it ye'll have tae throw it out the window.
(LIFT BELL PINGS) Nearly burst oot greeting, it was that cheap.
You jammy bastard! Lifts back on? - It would appear so.
- Who's this? Eh? Oh, this is my pal, Tam.
How ye doin'? I'm Tam, Winston's pal.
I live at 47 - Go and get a drink.
- In you come, darlin' - Hello there.
Mr McDade, in't it? - Victor, darlin'.
What's so funny? Nothing.
I just never realised you were on the same landing as Isa.
That's a belter, right enough.
How? Well.
How do you put this without being rude? Erm Allow me.
She's the nosiest poke-nosed gabshite in Craiglang.
No offence, darlin'.
- Is that you having a few pals roon' for the bells? - Yeah.
- Wee party? - Aye.
- Wee housewarmin'? - Mm-hm.
Shindig? Wi' a keg of beer? - Mm-hm.
- That's nice.
We'll not be makin' much noise, love.
I don't mind noise, not if folk are enjoying themselves.
We just sit up at the bells.
Harry and me.
Reading.
Listen, why don't you? (JACK COUGHS) - Sorry.
Why don't you and yer man? - (COUGHING CONTINUES) What is that you're daein'? Just trying to get the lid off this keg of beer.
But it's no' happening! - Why don't you and your man come across? You're more than welcome.
- Aw, we'd love to.
Harry! That's us! Aye.
Christ.
We had it aw in front of us back then, eh? Not a care in the world.
Those were the good days.
What ye thinking aboot, Isa? Just thinking where this one-legged, pot-bellied, red-faced bastard gets aff calling me "The Nosiest poke-nosed gabshite in Craiglang"! Aye.
You're right, Isa.
Sorry.
I was way aff wi' that, wasn't I? Anyway.
- We've got a situation here.
- What ye talkin aboot? Well, you've had one can each, right? And I had four.
You're a greedy bastard, what else is new? - I'm choking for a Lillian Gish.
- Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.
- You can haud it in.
- I've been haudin' it in, Victor.
They days are away.
Isa, I'm sorry.
Avert yer eyes.
Wait a minute.
Are you planning on daein' it in here? Aye.
I'm burstin'! What, and we've tae wade aboot in it, are we? - Ma back teeth are floatin' here.
- Pee in an empty can! - Naw, I cannae! I flattened them aw.
- The bag the cans were in! Haud on a minute.
Two holes in it.
What is it with Tesco? What do they put they holes in the bags for? It's to let your groceries breathe or if a bottle of shampoo opens it doesn't knacker the rest of yer stuff.
- It could be bleach! - That's plenty, Jack.
Isa.
Empty yer handbag.
He's no' daein' a pee in my good handbag.
You're not thinking straight! It's got to be contained.
You're wearing open-toed shoes! Why don't ye just dae hauf a pish? That'll take the pressure aff.
Buy ye a bit of time! What do you mean hauf? Start daein' it and nip it haufway through.
It's no' ideal, But it'll keep the mess doon.
Right.
OK.
Isa, stand well back.
Here goes.
I cannae dae it.
I cannae dae it wi' youse looking at me! Problem solved.
Put it back in yer troosers! Wait! Haud on.
(DRIBBLING SOUND) Aw! Here we are now! Awww! Right, Winston.
Start thinking aboot nippin' it.
Come on! Aw, mammy, daddy! I cannae nip it, the rabbit's away.
Ah, Jesus! What a bloody This is like Tenko! Oh, that was smashing.
- Sorry aboot that.
- That's dynamite, in't it? When the engineer does come, aw he's gonnae find is four pensioners swimmin' in pish! I'll no' claim that.
I'll say it was her.
Ow! - What ye laughin' at? - Her.
Staunin' behind her door in her full party frock waitin' on ma invite! Oooh.
Do you know who we forgot came? Can I help ye? (HE SPEAKS PUNJABI) Wait a minute You seem to be at the wrong door.
(HE CONTINUES IN PUNJABI) - We are having a party.
- Party? Party! You are at the wrong door.
This door is a bad door for you.
This door no good to you.
You.
Need.
Different.
Door.
He.
Victor.
Me.
Victor.
This.
Victor Door.
You.
Door.
Other.
Place.
Tam.
Tam.
Aw, Tam No.
- This No Tam Door! This - Haud on, Jack.
Tam! Tam! C'mere! What? Oh, Navid! Meena! He's got the shop noo.
I told him it'd be awright to come along.
S'awright, in't it? - Aye.
Come on in.
- Aye, come on through.
Come.
Through! So what is it you do, Erin? I'm a nanny.
A nanny? But I don't really like children.
No.
Are you a granda yet? No, but I've got one boy.
He's a nyaff.
Must be happy, eh? It's kicking aff noo.
Eh? I'm sayin' ye must be made up.
New hoose.
New pals.
New Year.
Magic! Aye, it's magic, Jack.
It's magic! - Have ye tried these? - What's that? Heaven, my friend.
Paroka! Paroka? Is it spicy? Them an' aw.
Have ye tried them? - Smozas! - Nah, you're all right.
- Ye dunno what you're missin'! Ease up, Jack.
You're gonnae dae yerself an injury.
Here.
Ho! These are lovely.
Did yer wife make these, eh? Oh, aye! Paaaarokaaaa! I never thought for a minute I'd be audited.
These things are supposed to be random.
But I've got this competitor, ye see? I know he's called and put them onto me.
So I have the last laugh, cos it turns out they owe me 300 quid! You Are A Bawbag.
Aw, Jesus, aye.
The pakora.
- Cos you, eh - Aye Then you and I, er Aye.
- You're a good mover.
- Yes, I am a good mover.
I love the dancing.
See me and the dancing? I'm dancing daft.
See these legs? I should have them insured, like Fred Astaire.
I don't know what I'd dae if I couldnae dance.
See if I lost a leg or something? Shoot me.
Boof! Shoot me dead.
I'd be nothing without ma pins! Ho! Get yer ain paroka! - No, thanks - Haud them for me.
Here! Betty! Fancy a wee dance? Aye, Jack, I'll dance wi' ye! Right.
Noo put it all together You're daein' ma box in ya dobber.
- Isa! - Hello, Harry.
Cannae imagine one of they drinks is for me, is it? - Of course it is.
- Since when do I drink Martini? - That drink's for the lassie wi' the big knockers.
- Her name's Erin.
We're just talking, love.
She's very nice.
She's a nanny.
She's a bit o' nanny and that's aw you're interested in, ya dirty pig! Isa, you're drunk.
What's the matter, Harry? Am I not sexually attractive any mair? Have I no' got lovely knockers? Are these knockers no' your cup of tea any mair? - When was the last time we did it? - Come on, Isa.
No, I'll tell ye.
Three months ago.
Three months, Harry! I am gagging fur it.
But you're not interested.
For God's sake, Harry.
I bought ye the Joy Of Sex ages ago and it's still in the bag wi' the receipt! Ye know I'm no' much of a reader! Ye could have looked at the pictures! I'm a sexual human being, Harry.
I've got womanly needs.
Desires.
I want an orgasm! You should get into the hoose and go to your bed.
Oh aye, you'd love that, wouldn't ye? Leave the door wide open for you to fire intae the nanny! Come on, Harry.
Live a little, eh? Take me right here! Find ma G-spot! Ohhhh! (MUSIC: "I Got The Music In Me" by Kiki Dee) You dirty filthy bastard! Puking aw o'er ma wife! Ya greedy fat bastard! Aye, well, that's enough reminiscing for the night.
The New Year's aw aboot looking forward, no' looking back! Right, you two.
Come on.
Shake hands.
Harry! Harry! Come and take a look at what you're missing, Harry! Where's all the good-looking single men at this party? If he can dae it, then so can I! Tam! Isa, Isa, no! Well, thanks for the memories, boys.
Happy New Year.
It is, aye Happy New Year, Jack.
- Happy New Year, Winston.
- All the best, Jack.
- Happy New Year.
- And you.
(SHIPS' HOOTERS BLARE) Happy New Year, everybody.
(ALL MURMUR) Happy New Year.
(ALL) Happy New Year! So in aw they years the lift's only been knackered twice.
- The night - And back then.
Oh, God.
Hey, where are you aw going? - We can get the lift! - The lift's knackered! Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw.
Tam came oot it! It's knackered, Winston.
It's back on, I'm telling youse! See? (HE SCREAMS)