Dad's Army (1968) s07e01 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Don't half look posh, Mr Jones.
Yes, we've got to look after things these days, Pikey-boy.
They don't make vans like this anymore, you know.
You've got to nurture them with craftsmanship and oil and things.
-Look at that, that's real gold leaf, that is.
-Really? Vanity, sheer vanity.
He just wants to bandy his name all over the town as if it was a tin of baked beans.
I think it looks rather jolly, you know.
It'll cheer people up a lot as it runs along, even if there isn't any meat in it.
-Gather the men round, will you, Wilson? -Yes, sir.
-With their secret signs.
-Yes.
-This is very confidential.
-I see, yes, sir.
-Godfrey, would you mind getting -Yes, sir.
Yes.
Jonesy, would you mind getting As quick as you can, would you mind just gathering around Wilson.
Yes, sir? -Wilson.
-Yes, yes.
-What you Wilson? -I'm here, sir.
Round the back.
Where are you? -Wilson! -I'm over here, round the back, you see.
Ah.
Sir! -You want me, sir? -What are you doing? Well, you asked me to get the men to gather round confidentially.
What I have to say is confidential, not the fact that they have to gather round.
So sorry, sir.
-Now pay attention.
-Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Jones had his van done up.
It looks nice, doesn't it? Don't interrupt, Pike.
You'll be sent home.
What I have to say is highly confidential.
It really does look awfully nice, doesn't it? -I beg your pardon? -Jones' van.
He really has done a marvellous job on it, don't you think so, sir? Yes.
Now, this area Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
Excuse me.
If Sergeant Wilson interrupts again, are you going to send him home? I shan't tell you again, Pike.
Now this area has been selected for the divisional scheme.
And the broad outline of the plan is Oh, Mr Mainwaring, you've knocked down my running board.
Look, leave it where it is.
-You shouldn't -We'll deal with that later.
-do that, Mr Mainwaring.
-Be quiet.
He put his great heavy leg on my running board.
You better be quiet, Mr Jones, otherwise he'll send you home.
He's got one of his moods on.
Now.
Three battalions of regular troops will move into this area of Walmington and Eastgate, and they will defend it in depth.
Now, our task is a vitally important one.
We are going to signpost the area so that the units reach their correct destination.
Right.
Now, the axis of advance is down the Clayton Road thus.
You shouldn't do that, Mr Mainwaring! You're spoiling my van, Mr Mainwaring.
Look what you've done.
Oh, don't fuss.
It'll rub off.
You're making it worse! Don't! Don't! You're desecrating it, Mr Mainwaring.
We can soon retouch that.
Don't worry about it.
Now, as you know, the signposts have been removed.
So without our help, the whole convoy could end up in chaos.
True.
That is why you've been asked to prepare secret signs so that they can find their way.
Now, who's got the one for Walmington? It's awfully good, Frank.
Terribly good.
Oh, yes.
-The hand is almost lifelike, don't you think so? -Yes, well done, Pike.
It's got dirty fingernails.
I don't like that sort of thing.
Just one thing, Captain Mainwaring.
It's pointing the wrong way.
How do you mean? If you're coming down yon road, Walmington is to the left.
Ah.
I was just wondering who'd be the first to spot that.
Well, it's easily solved, isn't it? Stupid boy.
All you got to do is stand on your head.
Don't be impertinent, Pike.
It is quite simple, sir.
It's quite simple.
There you are, you just put it up thus ways.
And then the body of men coming down the road will see that there's nothing on it and they will find that intriguing.
And they will say to themselves, ''I wonder if there's nothing also as well as also on the other side.
'' And they will go round the other side and it will be pointing the right way, and we shall win the war.
-Who's got the Eastgate sign? -Oh, here it is, sir.
-What's that? -Well, sir, you said it was secret so I thought I'd better do it in code.
The Chinaman for East and the gate for gate.
Eastgate.
-I don't think that's a very good idea at all.
-Send him home.
Now, you'll be dropped off the van one by one.
And I shall give the signal for that like this.
Do you mind not hitting that van in the aforesaid manner, sir? Will you stop fussing, Jones? There is a war on, you know.
Yes, sir, but there's no need to spoil my van.
That's up to Hitler.
Now, it's quite on the cards that you'll have to drive the van across country and you may well get stuck.
Now this in itself is not important, providing we're prepared for it.
-Jones, just get in the van, will you? -Sir.
Pretend you're driving across county and you get stuck.
Yes, right, sir.
You won't have to hit my van again, will you, sir? -Just get in the driving seat.
-Yes, very good, sir.
Now, the materials you should carry are: one, sawdust.
Two, empty sacking.
Three, planks.
And four, a length of rope.
With these, and a certain amount of brute force, you should be able to overcome any hazard.
(Mimicking van engine) Going along all right.
Oh dear, look, I've got stuck.
(Mimicking wheels spinning) -All right, Jones.
Switch off.
Switch off.
-Right, sir.
Right, sir.
Switch off, sir.
Right, sir.
Right.
Now, the wheels are spinning round.
What do we do? We use sawdust or straw to get a grip and maybe a wee bit of a push, eh? Good, good.
-Take up your pushing positions.
-Right, sir.
Yes.
I shall supervise from here.
All right.
Hey, you! Look, you're spoiling my van again.
You made that all dangled.
I do wish you'd look after this van better.
It's falling to pieces.
Right, sawdust, Wilson.
-I beg your pardon, sir.
-Sawdust.
Over there, Uncle, by the wall.
-What about it? -Put it under the wheel.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Yes, under the wheel.
Right.
Right.
And don't dawdle, we've got a lot of ground to cover.
Like this, sir? This sort of thing? See? That all right? Like that? -Yes, you'll need a lot more than that.
-Do we? Oh, right.
Right, clear it up, Pike.
-He's only just thrown it down.
-Where's the shovel, boy? Now, that will get you out of any mud or soft country.
Er, of course, it would have done just as well had we used straw.
He's not throwing straw down as well, is he? Now, a little wrinkle here that's worth knowing, in case you should meet any heavy ice.
And that is, let down the pressure of the rear tyres.
I'll just show you how to do that.
It's very simple indeed.
-Get out of the way.
-Sorry, sir.
If you'll just Now, you just depress the needle of the valve (Hissing) and let a little air out, like that.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing to my van? -Seems to have got stuck.
Give it a kick.
-All right, sir.
Oh, kick it a lot harder than that.
The plunger's stuck.
Come on.
Just a minute.
Just a minute.
Hey! Stop it, everybody! Stop it! Stop it! MAINWARING: The first sign-posters stand by.
FRAZER: He's standing by, sir.
-Stand by to tick him off the list, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
Now, this is a great responsibility and a great honour.
One wrong sign and the whole divisional scheme could be wrecked.
There's the turning, sir, right ahead.
First sign-poster out! You're spoiling my van again, Mr Mainwaring.
Oh, don't be absurd, Jones.
I've got to give the signal to the men.
Well, can't you make another noise that doesn't spoil my van? Why don't you toot your hooter? Ah, that's a good suggestion, Pike.
We'll toot the hooter when we want you to disembark, is that clear? Did you hear? He's gonna toot the hooter when he wants you to get out.
I have some good ideas sometimes, don't I? -Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? The first man has alighted safely.
Right.
Drive on, Jones.
Right, Jones.
Signal the last man out.
-Tick him off the list, Wilson.
-All right, sir.
Hey! My tooter won't toot.
-Give it a good push, man.
-Mr Mainwaring (Horn blaring) (Horn slowly fading out) You've gone and broke my tooter now! I shan't have anything left if you carry on like this! Well, never mind, Jones.
You're helping the war effort.
The last signpost has just descended off the back, Mr Mainwaring.
Right, now turn the van round, Jones.
Drive back to the crossroads.
And when the convoy's gone through, then we can pick up everybody.
Get out of the way! Go on! Get out of the way! Go on! It's been left alone and uncared for.
-We'll get out and investigate.
-Right, sir.
That's it.
-Appears to be no one with it, sir.
-Well, I can see that, Wilson.
Captain Mainwaring, perhaps the driver's gone off into the field to have a That'll do, Pike! Captain Mainwaring, does it not put you in mind of the MarIe Celeste? She was found abandoned in the midst of an empty ocean.
Food on the tables, wine in the glasses, not a human soul aboard, dead or alive, only the creaking of the rigging, and the eerie cry of the birds.
(Mimicking bird's cry) Does it not strike you, Captain Mainwaring? No, not really.
Captain Mainwaring, there's a note here.
It says, ''Gone to get some coal.
'' Oh, we can't hang about, he might have gone for miles.
We'll drive round.
Back on the van, everybody.
Rather a lot of rain lately.
-Sure we won't bog down? -Oh, nonsense.
The ground's as firm as a rock, anybody can see that.
Everybody on the van.
Excuse me, sir.
Wouldn't it be better if some of us were to stay off the van so we could lighten the load? You're not very scientific, are you, Wilson? Anybody knows that extra weight gives more traction to the driving wheels.
Oh.
-Do use your common sense.
Go on.
-Right, sir.
Right, drive on, Jones.
(Engine revving) Mr Mainwaring, we're stuck.
Pushing positions.
Sir, do you think some of them should stay on so as to give more traction to the wheels? Don't be flippant, Wilson.
-The men are in the pushing position, sir.
-All right.
-Captain Mainwaring, sir? -Yes.
Would it be in order if I pushed with only one hand? I've a touch of rheumatism in the shoulder.
You see, my sister makes me have breakfast by the window, the draught comes right through to the door.
If you're not fit for frontline duty, Godfrey, you shouldn't come at all.
I didn't want to disappoint you, sir.
Well done, Godfrey.
Stand by to push.
-Take it away, Jones.
-Right, sir.
(Mimicking engine) Jones.
Jones.
Jones! Jones! Jones! This isn't an exercise.
It's the real thing.
Let the clutch in.
I'm sorry, sir.
I don't know what I was thinking about.
Push! Mr Mainwaring, stuff is going all over me! Will you stop it? Look what you done! What are you playing at, Pike? Look at the mess you've made of your uniform.
Should we not be using the sawdust, Captain Mainwaring? Yes, of course we should.
-Shove it underneath the wheel.
-Right, sir.
Now, all push when I give the word.
And, Jones, you let the clutch in when I give you the signal.
-Excuse me, sir.
-Right, sir.
Perhaps Pike should stand back this time? Certainly not.
If you go on mollycoddling that boy, he'll finish up a complete nancy.
MAINWARING: Get in your place, Pike.
Right.
Stand by.
Push! You nearly got it that time.
Yes, I got it, all right! Stuck in the mud, are we? Ignore him, Wilson.
I don't want you to lose your temper with him.
Dear oh, dear.
Playing at mud pies, are you? -You wait till mummy sees you.
-Go on, son, give us a push.
Help the war effort.
It's no use just pushing.
You want to lift the back at the same time.
You come and lift down the back here with me, Mr Hodges.
I'm not standing where you are, all that mud and stuff will come flying all over me.
Jonesy, try to reverse.
-Then we can go out the way we came in.
-That's a good idea.
Why didn't I think of that? Right.
One, two, three, lift! -Stop, it's no good.
-I'll say it isn't! Look what you've done to me, you ruddy hooligans! Let's try the planks.
Get the planks out.
We left the planks at the hall, Mr Mainwaring.
Left them in the church hall? Put somebody on a charge, Wilson.
Mr Mainwaring, we could take the doors off the van and use those.
Good idea.
Give me a screwdriver, Jones.
-Sir, you can't have my doors.
-Why not? Won't do them any harm.
I do not wish to appear insubordinate or mutinous in my manner, sir, but I must stand up and boldly defy you, sir.
Or even threaten you with blackmail.
What are you saying, Jones? I'll cancel your offal and put you on my sausage blacklist.
Steady on, Jones.
I have a blacklist of certain people I will not supply sausages to and I'll write your name down on that list.
I'm sorry, Mr Mainwaring, I never thought I'd utter these words to you but you've driven me to it.
Captain Mainwaring, why don't we ask yon warden fellow to give us a wee tow? That's a good idea.
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yes.
If I may say so, I think we should be very diplomatic with him.
Oh, don't worry.
I will, I will.
Hey, you! Hodges! Come here.
Now you've done it.
Be good enough to give us a tow, will you? Give you a tow? What have you ever done for me? There's a large military convoy due along this road and we're responsible for seeing that it gets to its destination.
Well, that's your hard bun, mate.
Oh, very well.
In the name of the King, I requisition your vegetable van.
Oh, no, you don't.
That van's full of logs for the warden's post and I'm gonna deliver it.
And if you don't like it, you know what you can do! -Why don't you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? -Be quiet, Pike.
Go on, you got the authority, you can shoot him.
Go on.
I said be quiet! Hey, look.
Look he's trying to drive round same as we did.
You'll get stuck just the same as we did! Oh, no, I won't, you dopey-looking thing! Hey, who do you think you're calling a dopey-looking thing? I won't get stuck, mate, 'cause I've got it up here.
I'm gonna back round then the driving wheels will be leading.
Like the older four-wheel drive.
That's where you want it, sonny.
-You could shoot him, Uncle Arthur.
-Go away, Frank.
All you want to do is use your loaf.
Don't just stand there, give us a push! Do we help him, sir? No.
Just come away.
Hey, what about asking them to give us a hand? Are you stuck, Mr Mainwaring? Well, only slightly, but we'd be glad of a few willing hands to give us an extra push.
Come on, boys and girls, they need a bit of a push.
Come on.
Off you go.
Give them a hand.
We'll soon be out now.
I don't think they're going to be very much help, sir.
Oh, this won't do at all.
We'll manage, thank you.
Go back on again.
All right, boys and girls, back on the bus.
Come on.
-Oh, no.
-Move back again? Tell you what, I'll come near enough to tie the rope on.
Then I'll reverse and pull you out.
The ground's all right here.
DRIVER: Everybody off.
Oh, come on, boys and girls, everybody off.
I'm terribly sorry about all this, Mr Bluett.
It certainly seems a very strange way to spend your annual party.
Well, it's better than sitting in that draughty church hall, listening to those boring old songs.
I thought you said you liked my songs.
Right, here we go.
Won't he get stuck? Look, I'm just about fed up with your pessimistic attitude, Wilson.
Anyone can see the ground is perfectly sound over there.
-The driver knows what he's doing.
-All right.
Mr Mainwaring, I think you ought to know something.
The bus is stuck.
What? -Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? I suppose you realise the convoy will be coming down that road 1 5 minutes from now.
By Jove, you're right, Frazer.
Lorries will be piled up for a mile or more.
Chaos it'll be, sheer chaos.
And you're responsible.
We'll be a laughing stock, man, a laughing stock.
I just thought you ought to know.
We could divert them at the crossroads.
Let me divert them at the crossroads, sir.
I'd like to volunteer to do that.
It's five miles away.
-It would take you an hour even if you ran.
-Which he can't.
Hey, look, Mr Mainwaring.
You could get a lift on that motorcycle.
Look, there's Captain Mainwaring and a lot of people.
Oh, no, hide.
-But I can't hide in this.
-Let's pretend we haven't noticed them.
-What are you doing with my bike? How dare you? -It's not your petrol.
I pinched it from the vicar.
Here! -What are you doing gallivanting with him? -I've done nothing to be ashamed of, Mr Jones.
Mr Yeatman said he'd take me to pick bluebells.
That's my husband you've got there.
You said you was gonna be all day repairing the organ.
And what about you? You said you'd got to go to an affair at the WES.
-Well, I'll take full responsibility.
-Norman.
I don't care, Beryl.
Let the world know.
It's been five years in heaven and now we must face the music.
Mr Yeatman, I must warn you if something has been going on, I may have to reconsider your position in the church.
Oh, the scandal.
Those pointing fingers.
Those wagging tongues.
There aren't no bluebells at this time of the year.
Oh, we'll sort this out some other time.
In the name of the King, I requisition this motorbike.
-Off, Mr Yeatman.
-Oh, no you don't.
Come on.
I'm gonna get a tractor to tow me out.
In that case, you can give me a lift to the crossroads.
All right, get on the back and start bumping.
-What are you talking about? -Bump.
Bump up and down to get us through the mud like they do in the scrambles.
You've seen them.
Pike, get in and start bumping.
Yon Mainwaring shouldn't be doing that at his time of life.
In the ordinary course of events, we'd all be sitting round the fire reading something.
Come on! Bump up and down! Bump! Bump! -Bump, Pike! -I am bumping! Bump some more! -Keep bumping! -I am bumping! Oh, bump more! Come on, Sergeant Wilson, we can manhandle it.
Oh, aye, we can easily manhandle it.
-Ready, boys? -All right.
One, two, three.
Let's go.
Captain Mainwaring! Captain Mainwaring! You've left a bit of it behind.
You ruddy hooligans! Look what you've done to my bike! You've ruined it! You know, you're very heavy-handed with vehicles, Mr Mainwaring.
You should cherish them more and they would respond likewise.
Why don't we get the steam engine to pull us out? -Because, Wilson, we have no coal.
-Yes, but Hodges van is full of logs.
Wondered how long it would take you to think of that.
Right, get the wood off Hodges' van.
Oh, no, you don't.
You're not having my wood and that's final.
You really ought to shoot him, Mr Mainwaring.
Be quiet, Frank, for heaven's sake.
Get the wood onto the fire.
Frazer, do you know how to drive this steamroller? -Aye.
-Put it into position.
Right, sir.
-Pike, disconnect the trailer.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
(Cancan music playing) -Pike! Stop that music! -Yes.
-It won't stop, Mr Mainwaring.
-I said stop the music! Yes, I know, but Excuse me.
-Stopped the music, Mr Mainwaring.
-Good.
Stupid boy.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? I've just been thinking, my sister Dolly's Auntie Elsie has got a cottage at the crossroads.
I could telephone her from that telephone box and she could divert the convoy.
She's little but she's very determined.
I think that's probably our best chance, don't you, Wilson? I think it's our only chance, sir.
-Right.
Make the phone call.
-Yes.
Get that steamroller moving.
Round a bit.
A bit more.
That's enough.
That's enough! Hello? Hello? I think the line's out of order, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Mainwaring, the wire's down.
Oh, you've really done it now, haven't you? That convoy will come piling up the road and there's nothing you can do about it! Don't you believe it.
My men will have this lot joined up in no time.
Where there's a will, there's a way.
Back off, Frazer.
Bit more.
Bit more.
Bit more.
Bit more! A bit more.
A bit more.
A bit more.
Bit more! Contact! All right, Captain Mainwaring! -Right, put the tappets in, Wilson.
-Sir.
Here you go, Godfrey.
Good morning, operator.
Will you give me Walmington-on-Sea 302, please?