Father Brown (2013) s07e01 Episode Script
The Great Train Robbery
What are we going to do, Len? Don't know, Daryl, I haven't had much time to figure it out yet, have you? Well, they're not having my room.
Well, where am I supposed to put them, in the BOTH: Cellar! Right, Princess, out! Your carriage awaits.
Never! Come here, now.
Round here, move it.
The nearest living soul is ten miles away so don't waste your breath screaming.
Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
Oh, my! I never actually said "whodunnit".
No, you just blurted out their name in the interval.
It was a lucky guess.
Rather a good one, though, don't you think?I do not think.
The ending was no surprise at all.
This is intolerable.
I say Yes, Madamall the first class compartments are full.
Yes, he can see that with his own eyes.
Well, I'm sure there's something he could do.
If you hadn't insisted on going round to the stage door.
And if you hadn't ruined the ending.
Getting my programme signed was a very small consolation.
And in any case it won't kill you to slum it for once in your life.
Do my eyes deceive me? Felicia Montague? Bianca Norman? What on Earth are you doing in here? We were late for the train and first class was full.
Salvation is here.
My Pullman's on the back.
I never travel without it.
And your companion? I am perfectly happy here.
Do you remember my daughter, Barbara? Yes, Of course.
Don't worry.
She hardly makes much effort to stand out.
CLEARS THROA Come along, Mrs M.
My son Tony, husband Piers.
I think we met at La Teatro Venezia in '46.
Alas, you confuse me with one of my predecessors.
Oh.
That was Rudolf, my number four.
Tony, fix us a drink.
And we'll have some music.
I hope you like opera.
Adore it.
I'm very partial to a little bit of Gilbert and Sullivan.
My Stabat Mater by Rossini .
.
at La Scala in 1950.
Gin and it.
Oh! Divine.
Admit it, Mrs M.
This is more like it.
This is going to be a very long evening.
Mm-hm.
No, thank you.
Why are we stopping? We can't be here already.
We've only just passed through Hambleston.
There's a red signal.
I hope we won't be here for long.
Oh! You're adopting again? When the papers are finalised.
I wanted to give another child what I gave Barbara and Tony.
You both have been very fortunate.
I miss the sound of children laughing.
Barbara's as quiet as a mouse now, and she used to be such a happy little thing.
Huh.
Here we go.
CLATTERING SOUND SHOUTING IN DISTANCE What's that?Don't move! The jewels, where are the jewels? GUNSHO SECOND GUNSHO LOUDEST GUNSHOT AND SCREAMS Oi! Oh, we'd stopped for quite some time, then there was a judder and a jolt and, then, the rest of the train pulled away without us and that's when it happened.
Keep your heads down! Two men burst in and they demanded, "The jewels! Where are the jewels?".
Here.
Just take them.
So they grabbed the jewels and then shot out the lights.
Someone lit a match but it went straight out and, then, BANG! Another shot.
I'll get the lights! Then the lights came back on and .
.
that's when we saw what had transpired.
Huh!Ahh-h-h-h! Who knew Dame Bianca was travelling with her jewels? Apart from 50 thousand readers of "Stars of Stage and Screen" where she helpfully gave full details of her itinerary.
And what did they want with my Aunt and Mrs M? Army Officers on the train heard the gunfire and pulled the communication cord.
The robbers panicked.
Grabbed the nearest persons to use as human shields while they made their getaway.
GUNSHOTS They're shooting at us.
Quick! Go, go, go, go! I'll get them back safe and sound.
You have my word.
God knows they must be terrified.
Sir Another fine mess you've got me in to! Me? That's rich coming from you.
I was perfectly happy in second class! Well, I was perfectly happy to leave straight after the performance.
Shut your squawking! If only you weren't such an autograph hunter! If only you weren't too hoity toity to mix with ordinary, common, decent folk.
Hoity toity?! Rest assured that all available man power is being deployed in the hunt for The Countess and Mrs McCarthy.
Inspector Mallory, any clues who the robbers might be? We're narrowing the search and confident that it's just a matter of time before they are apprehended.
When, rest assured, they will feel the full weight of the law.
Inspector Mallory? Inspector Mallory? Inspector Mallory? Can you see anything? It looks like a farm.
I meant anything useful.
Well, there isn't a bus stop and a telephone box next to it if that's what you're hoping for.
There's someone coming! What is that? Porridge.
I hardly think so.
You'll eat it, or else.
"Or else" what? We're hardly any use to you dead.
We'll die of starvation if this is what they're going to feed us.
Some toast and marmalade will suffice.
I've got jam.
Father Brown and Miss Windermere, sir.
Show them in.
I've been expecting you.
Please.
You're here to enquire about my progress.
Getaway vehicle.
Over 100 Fordson vans registered in the area so they'll take some time to follow up.
Wha Knowledge of the signals suggests insider knowledge so the Railway are providing names of sacked or disgruntled employees.
Ditto, Dame Bianca's staff.
We're checking for ex convicts in the locale with convictions for robbery.
20 mile road blocks and an All Ports Alert.
So, if you think there is anything I've missed? You've been very thorough, Inspector.
A rare complement from you, Padre.
Now, I know you're dying to interfere.
But on this occasion all that's required is good old-fashioned police work.
If you want to help, maybe you could offer spiritual solace to the family - which has the advantage of keeping them out of my hair.
Now .
.
if you'll excuse me.
Thank you.
A word please, Sergeant.
Shut the door behind you.
I've got press and rubberneckers descending in droves.
I want no repetition of this.
Crime scene under 24 hour guard.
No-one enters.
And you might want to write this down.
Keep the Padre out of my sight.
Any funny business and you deal with it under pain of death.
Yours, that is.
Sir.
Your turn.
They're doing my head in.
No, no, no! No-one would get hurt, they said.
It was an accident.
You were only supposed to shoot the lights out! Wha? It wasn't me.
Well, it weren't me.
I never fired my gun.
Two shots is all I fired.
At the lights.
I think I can count to two.
And I can count to none.
I wouldn't lay bets on it! Are you calling me a liar? I'm calling you an idiot.
Rude!Excuse me! There is, of course, a simple way of resolving this.
It's hard to believe she's gone.
She was always so much larger than life.
She is still larger than life.
Her legacy will live on.
Her voice recorded for eternity.
Poor Lucy.
To lose not one mother but two.
Will you be going ahead with the adoption? No! Good God! My name wasn't on the papers.
She considered fathers extraneous to requirement.
Her husbands never lasted long enough to play the part.
And what will you do, Miss Norman? I hadn't thought about it.
I think I'm rather too old to reinvent myself.
Tony's not.
You could go back to the boards.
You're an actor? As your question infers, an unsuccessful one.
Actually, he was rather good.
Too good for Bianca.
But she decided there wasn't room for two stars in her firmament, and poof .
.
the parts mysteriously dried up.
That's enough, Piers.
Is there any news of Lady Felicia and Mrs McCarthy? The police are doing everything they can.
In the meantime we can only wait and pray.
What did I tell you? Two spent cartridges.
What did I tell you? Six bullets.
Well, that settles that then.
There was another shooter.
Who are "they?" This morning I heard you say "no-one would get hurt, THEY said.
" Them's who's paid us to rob train.
Enough.
Like we can get in more trouble.
Who are these people? We never saw 'em.
They sent the guns and instructions.
All we had to do was shoot out the lights and nab the jewels.
Maybe they were there? It was dark.
I said I couldn't see properly through them stockings.
You should have worn 10 denier.
Will you "shh"! I have to think.
They'll catch us .
.
and they'll hang us, Len.
There, now.
No use crying over spilt milk.
What you need to do is find a way to prove your innocence.
And how do you suggest we do that? KNOCKS AT DOOR Miss Windermere, this was left on the altar.
Any news? No, no news.
You will let us know won't you We will of course.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Mrs Ferris.
The cleaning ladies found this on the altar.
Thank you.
What is it? Hostages begins with an H, not an O.
As for the grammar! Perhaps you could sound more threatening.
"Or else", if you don't mind my saying, sounds a bit woolly.
And wouldn't Father Brown demand some sort of proof? I ain't cutting no fingers off! I wish we could cut their tongues out.
Really! If you can't take any constructive criticism You think you can do a better job? Proveourinnocence Two Ns in innocence.
If READS: You want your friends back alive, don't go to the police.
Is it genuine? READS:PS.
Don't forget to water the aspidistras, and the fiscal accounts are due Friday.
SQUEALING Kitty! Go on! Gertrude, get in it or you'll have it torn! Get over there! They're loading animals into a van.
Oh, my finger! You dirty pig! What kind of animals? Is the breed really relevant? If you must know, pigs.
Today is the second Tuesday of the month.
From which I deduce they're off to the swine sale in Hambleston.
SQUEALING Quite the detective, Mrs M.
Which gives us long enough to makeour escape.
It has obviously escaped your attention that we are chained up like dogs.
Oh, yet another graduate of the Sidney Carter College of Breaking and Entering.
Although why a Countess feels the need to add lock-picking to her accomplishments, I Ta-da! HE SCREAMS Sh!We're in the middle of nowhere! Now what? We go inside, find a telephone and call the police.
Right.
Hello? Holy Mother!Are you all right?! Perfectly.
I often have a nap under a table at this time of day.
More to the point, who are you? Oh! We're, um Our car broke down.
It's a long story.
I wonder, do you have a telephone? In the hall.
Righto.
First things first.
Let's set you to rights.
Yes.
You've got five minutes, Father.
You're a brick, Sergeant.
Anything interesting, Father? A letter, from Dame Bianca Norman's solicitors.
It seems she was planning to divest herself of husband number five.
Anyone could have found this.
That can't be right.
Mallory? 4:00.
All quiet in Dodge? Dodge, sir? Anything to report, Sergeant? Oh, right.
Most of the sightseers got bored and wandered off and the press seem to have given up.
I wouldn't say given up, merely decamped to the police station, awaiting news of our investigation.
And how's that going, sir? Turns out Bianca Norman was patron for a welfare charity for ex-convicts.
I'm having the files sent over to see if they throw up any matches.
Ah, hello.
Police, plea Police Hello? Hello? Hello?! So, who lives here? Me and my brothers.
Ow! Yes, well, you don't want it going septic, now, do you? Especially with hygiene standards around here leaving much to be desired.
Where was it you said you broke down, again? Oh, a couple of miles from here.
It's just, we're pretty remote, and there aren't many places that require evening dress in the middle of the day.
Yes.
Well, don't you worry your head about that.
Now, I am going to make us a nice hot cup of tea.
No-one is going anywhere! Swine sale in Hambleston! Out! I am going nowhere until I have a hot cup of tea inside of me.
You'll do as you're told.
Or what? Oh, he'll poke us to death? Well, at least it might shut you up.
WHISPERS:Len? Len! What?! Are these what you're looking for? Now, would someone like to tell me what's going on? I thought Inspector Mallory Is busy, I'm afraid.
Erwe'd, er The Father would, er Like your aid in a crime reconstruction.
For what possible reason? Well, I hope that will become clear.
Now, if you wouldn't mind, please all take your positions as you were on the night.
The sergeant and I will play the parts of Lady Felicia and Mrs McCarthy.
And Miss Bunty Windermere, our resident ballistics expert, will play the part of the robbers.
Miss Windermere will play the robbers! I improvised.
They burst in! They shot the lights out! Bang! Bang! Then darkness.
Bang! The bullet goes through the chair, through the curtain and then straight through the window.
But the trajectory is wrong.
From this height, the bullet would have embedded itself lower in the wall.
Meaning the killer was seated.
I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
He's not the only one, Sergeant! New evidence suggests a third shooter, sir.
Does he now? It might have been thrown from the window, so I ordered a search.
On whose authority? WHISTLE! It's a gun, Sergeant.
There's a nice set of prints.
I expect we should take fingerprints, sir.
I'll save you the bother.
They're mine.
No, Barb, don't!Say nothing, Tony.
It's nothing you understand.
Just call our solicitor.
Barbara Norman, I'm arresting you for the murder of Bianca Norman.
You are not obliged to say anything unless you wish to do so, but whatever you say may be taken down and given in evidence.
To summarise, a person or persons unknown solicited you to a hold up a train and rob a world-famous diva.
During the execution of which, you failed to rob said jewels.
The diva was shot and you acquired two hostages.
One of whom is a Countess of the Realm.
Thus leaving you Britain's most wanted.
What were you thinking?! Don't tell me this is what I think it is? Well, thank you for at least consulting me before going out and committing armed robbery and kidnap on my behalf! He wants to be a barrister.
And you want to be captain of Aston Villa.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but The difference is, he's got two left feet.
The only thing stopping you is cash.
Scholarship to the grammar school.
Highest school certificate in the county.
His teachers said he was a natural for the law.
Except things as that aren't for the likes of us.
Well, I suppose that's all right, then, you getting us into this unholy mess to provide little old me with an education.
To get you a life.
You want to spend it here, stuck in that chair with loads of books you'll never use? And if something happens to us, what then? They cart you off to spend the rest of it in an institution?! A prospect becoming evermore imminent by the second.
And as for your hostages, they've seen your faces now.
I suppose you're just going to have to shoot them.
That's quite enough of your lip! They're the only insurance we've got.
They're staying in here! Back to the cellar with you! Why? We're in the middle of nowhere here.
You can hardly expect us to make a dash for freedom in these gowns.
And you have cows that need milking! I suggest you tend them while I rustle up something that is at least edible.
She really is the most marvellous cook.
Motion sustained! HE SIGHS Why didn't you bring this to me?! The bit which says, "Do not go to the police".
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't discipline you for gross insubordination! I was following instructions, sir.
READS:Keep the Padre out of my sight.
Any funny business and you deal with it under pain of death.
Yours, that is.
Let's just say that the end justifies the means.
Let's see what she's got to say for herself first.
No traipsing mud through the house! Well, sit yourselves down.
Ah-ah! Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Mm-hm.
So I've been looking into your predicament and from what I can gather, the only real offences you've committed are attempted armed robbery and kidnap.
Hand yourselves in and give back the hostages, mitigating circumstances, and a good barrister, you could be looking at as little as five years.
Before or after they hang us for murder? You said the priest would find out who did it! And so he will.
RADIO:This is the BBC.
Here is the news.
TELEPHONE PIPS A huge manhunt continues for armed robbers who murdered world-renowned opera singer Dame Bianca Norman and kidnapped the Countess of Montague and her companion.
Detective Inspector Mallory of Kembleford Police made this statement earlier.
We're narrowing the search and confident it's just a matter of time before they are apprehended.
When, rest assured, they will feel the full weight of the law.
The Earl of Montague has offered a reward for information leading to the safe return of his wife.
Sweet! The Prime Minister Winston Churchill gave a speech in the House of Commons yesterday, opposing the proposed Companion! I do have a name! Maybe they just forgot.
There's no need to take it personally.
How would you like it if they forgot to mention your name? Well, perhaps they didn't think it was as Maybe they didn't think it was as Relevant? Newsworthy?Yes.
No.
Must you always be so oversensitive?! And this from the woman unable to park her posh posterior in a second-class train compartment! My apologies for whisking you off into the lap of luxury! Into armed robbery and murder! Grub's good.
It was pitch-black.
Everyone was shouting.
Then Tony lit a match.
It was only a few seconds, but I saw that his coat was over the chair and I knew there was a gun in the pocket.
Why was your brother carrying a firearm? For exactly the eventuality that transpired.
My mother refused to travel with security.
It wouldn't occur to her that someone so revered would be attacked.
So, you took the gun from the coat? It was mayhem.
Panicking and shouting.
And as I pulled it out, it went off by accident.
I didn't It was only when the lights went on that I saw that she And yet you said nothing.
I was in shock! Everyone assumed it was the robbers.
The longer I kept silent, the harder it was to admit the truth.
That I killed my own mother! Do you know what will happen to me, Inspector? It seems it was nothing more than a tragic accident.
She'll be released from police custody while enquiries continue.
Poor soul.
Imagine killing your own mother.
Frequently.
This will make the morning papers.
Your faith in the villain's code would be touching if not so misguided.
Which means it's down to me.
They're in here somewhere, and I won't rest till I find them.
Thank you.
BIRDSONG Cudlip.
Cudlip.
Cudlip.
Gotcha! Morning, sir.
Sergeant, get me HQ on the blower.
Leonard Cudlip.
Former track engineer sentenced to two years - involvement with robbery on a train.
Recently sent a begging letter to Dame Bianca's ex-convicts' charity, which was rejected.
And brother Daryl is the registered owner of a green Fordson van.
Permission to draw weapons, sir? Yes, sir, we will.
I take it you've found the kidnappers? You can take it to mean I have no time for unwanted visitors.
Round up all available men, and I want maps of Deepwell Farm and the surrounding area.
Right you are, sir.
For the sake of our beloved friends, I urge you not to go in heavy-handed.
WHISTLE! BELL RINGS MUSIC PLAYS Boots!Police! BELL RINGS Get down! PANICKED SHOUTS Cuthbert, Clough, search the outbuildings! The rest of you, stand by and await my orders.
This is no place for civilians! Well, if you're going to have a shoot-out, a priest might come in handy.
I could out-sniper the lot of you, if you'd care to give me a firearm.
No, I would not.
Sir? Just found this.
It's my aunt's! Right.
You are surrounded by armed police, with no means of escape! Release the women and surrender yourselves! I advise you do as he says.
If we surrender, they'll hang us for murder.
What, then? I'd rather go down fighting.
What if we shot someone? It's not their fault, Len! You could take the bullets out of the guns.
That lot out there would never know they were unloaded.
At least a bullet will be quick.
I'm frightened, Len! I don't want to die! So, Inspector, what's your plan? I'm going to make them wish they'd never been born.
It's a bit gung-ho, isn't it? Isn't it standard practice to negotiate, sir? They don't know that.
Get ready to fire on my command if they don't come out in five minutes! Let's see if that flushes them out.
They said they'd release the hostages if we found the killer! And you believe them? Especially when they're caught, like rats in a trap? Now, if you'd move aside Padre? Padre? Come back here! Padre! Hello? My name's Father Brown.
Oh, thank goodness! The cavalry has arrived.
I have something to show you.
It's a trap! They'll fire through the door! Don't worry, they won't shoot a priest.
I wouldn't count on it! READS:A 32-year-old female has been released without charge.
There! What did I tell you? With the murder charge dropped, good behaviour, you could be out in five years.
I can't go back inside.
As for him, he wouldn't last five minutes.
Didn't he tell you? It's not his first offence.
Our parents were dead.
The farm was going under.
Somebody had to put food on table.
With us gone, what'll happen to him? Wish you'd thought of that before you went and robbed a train.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
It's the thought that counts, eh? Time's up! 10 seconds, then we're coming in! Just a few more minutes.
I've humoured you enough, Padre.
Now, get out of the way before you accidentally get shot! Fivefour threetwo Don't shoot! Hold your fire! Weapons down! Inspector, thank goodness! We were so frightened! Oh, Aunt Fliss! It's good to see you safe, ladies, but please move away from the house.
This could get nasty.
No! No! Those men in there, they didn't kidnap us.
On the contrary.
They were our knights in shining armour.
Yoo-hoo! You can come out now! I won't get up.
I'm Timothy Cudlip.
These are my brothers, Daryl and Lenny.
There seems to have been some sort of a misunderstanding.
Then why did you hole yourself up inside? Because you look like the sort to shoot first and ask questions later.
And all the time, you were held in the back of their van? Until this morning, when they drove us here and dumped us in the middle of nowhere without so much as a by-your-leave! And this is when your rescuers found you? Yes.
May I enquire why you didn't immediately call the police? Well, the telephone was out of order.
Yes.
Can you give us any descriptions of the kidnappers? No.
They were wearing masks.
But we did hear them talking, and one of them mentioned a cousin in Anglesey? Anglesey, yes.
With a boat.
Forgive us, we're exhausted.
I think my aunt has had quite enough questions for today.
I must return to the Earl.
Of course, Your Ladyship.
Yeah.
I will be needing full statements from you.
Yes.
When you have recovered.
For Christian ladies, you are very adept at lying.
It's a long story.
I can't wait.
Do you reckon the kidnappers are heading to Wales, then, sir? Get on the blower to Anglesey, see if they have wind of any unusual sailings.
I hear you're leaving.
The police decided not to press charges.
I've been very lucky.
To get away with murder.
I say, steady on.
Even the police say it was an accident.
What gave you the right to judge? The only judge you need fear is God.
Both of you.
On a charge of matricide.
Premeditated and coldblooded.
I don't know what you're talking about.
An ex-convict called Leonard Cudlip wrote to your mother's charity requesting a loan.
Was that when you decided he'd be the perfect scapegoat for murder? What's that? A little lie that exposed you.
If you had been singed by the match .
.
the stem would have been charred.
Of what possible significance? Exactly.
Why lie about something so inconsequential? Unless it did have a meaning.
You ordered the lights to be shot out in the carriage, knowing you'd be in darkness, needing light just for a moment to get your target in your sights.
You think that'll hold up in a court of law? I'm only interested in your immortal souls.
It's not what you think.
Barb!He knows, Tony.
And I, for one, can't live with the knowledge.
I persuaded Tony.
To protect the child.
To protect Lucy from your mother? Oh, I do wish you wouldn't call her that.
Mothers bring up children.
The only time we ever saw her was when she wheeled us out for interviews.
Playing happy families with her adoring fans.
Little did they know that we were purchased as possessions.
By a woman demanding unconditional love and giving none in return! And now we are old and stale, she set her eyes on a new victim.
Lucky Lucy.
There's irony.
It was too late for us, but not for her.
WHISPERS:A life for a life! And what about the lives of the men you callously framed for murder? They weren't supposed to get caught.
We'd have let them keep the jewels.
How magnanimous of you.
And while we won't go to prison, we've been sentenced to a lifetime of guilt.
That will not be necessary.
God sent his only son to bear the burden of our sins.
If only it were so simple.
It issimple.
Confess what is in your soul .
.
and if you are true .
.
you will be forgiven.
COCKEREL CROWS Ah! Well, it seems the police lost track of the robbers somewhere off the coast of Anglesey.
Anglesey? Ah, yes, a little white lie.
I'm surprised you didn't turn us in.
I try to be a man of my word.
So is my husband.
Apropos of whichfor you.
What's this? It's a cheque for a thousand pounds! I can see that.
I mean, what's she's giving it to us for? The reward money for my safe return.
We don't want it.
We don't? After what we did, you think we'd take your money? It will look jolly suspicious if you don't.
You aren't bad men.
Although you are terrible cooks.
Ask him.
Doesn't God reward the good and punish the wicked? His ways are ever-mysterious.
However, he holds it a sin for men to bury talents that could be put to use in his service.
WHISPERS: What? He's talking about me.
I predict that God has plans for this young man.
Well, where am I supposed to put them, in the BOTH: Cellar! Right, Princess, out! Your carriage awaits.
Never! Come here, now.
Round here, move it.
The nearest living soul is ten miles away so don't waste your breath screaming.
Do as you're told and you won't get hurt.
Oh, my! I never actually said "whodunnit".
No, you just blurted out their name in the interval.
It was a lucky guess.
Rather a good one, though, don't you think?I do not think.
The ending was no surprise at all.
This is intolerable.
I say Yes, Madamall the first class compartments are full.
Yes, he can see that with his own eyes.
Well, I'm sure there's something he could do.
If you hadn't insisted on going round to the stage door.
And if you hadn't ruined the ending.
Getting my programme signed was a very small consolation.
And in any case it won't kill you to slum it for once in your life.
Do my eyes deceive me? Felicia Montague? Bianca Norman? What on Earth are you doing in here? We were late for the train and first class was full.
Salvation is here.
My Pullman's on the back.
I never travel without it.
And your companion? I am perfectly happy here.
Do you remember my daughter, Barbara? Yes, Of course.
Don't worry.
She hardly makes much effort to stand out.
CLEARS THROA Come along, Mrs M.
My son Tony, husband Piers.
I think we met at La Teatro Venezia in '46.
Alas, you confuse me with one of my predecessors.
Oh.
That was Rudolf, my number four.
Tony, fix us a drink.
And we'll have some music.
I hope you like opera.
Adore it.
I'm very partial to a little bit of Gilbert and Sullivan.
My Stabat Mater by Rossini .
.
at La Scala in 1950.
Gin and it.
Oh! Divine.
Admit it, Mrs M.
This is more like it.
This is going to be a very long evening.
Mm-hm.
No, thank you.
Why are we stopping? We can't be here already.
We've only just passed through Hambleston.
There's a red signal.
I hope we won't be here for long.
Oh! You're adopting again? When the papers are finalised.
I wanted to give another child what I gave Barbara and Tony.
You both have been very fortunate.
I miss the sound of children laughing.
Barbara's as quiet as a mouse now, and she used to be such a happy little thing.
Huh.
Here we go.
CLATTERING SOUND SHOUTING IN DISTANCE What's that?Don't move! The jewels, where are the jewels? GUNSHO SECOND GUNSHO LOUDEST GUNSHOT AND SCREAMS Oi! Oh, we'd stopped for quite some time, then there was a judder and a jolt and, then, the rest of the train pulled away without us and that's when it happened.
Keep your heads down! Two men burst in and they demanded, "The jewels! Where are the jewels?".
Here.
Just take them.
So they grabbed the jewels and then shot out the lights.
Someone lit a match but it went straight out and, then, BANG! Another shot.
I'll get the lights! Then the lights came back on and .
.
that's when we saw what had transpired.
Huh!Ahh-h-h-h! Who knew Dame Bianca was travelling with her jewels? Apart from 50 thousand readers of "Stars of Stage and Screen" where she helpfully gave full details of her itinerary.
And what did they want with my Aunt and Mrs M? Army Officers on the train heard the gunfire and pulled the communication cord.
The robbers panicked.
Grabbed the nearest persons to use as human shields while they made their getaway.
GUNSHOTS They're shooting at us.
Quick! Go, go, go, go! I'll get them back safe and sound.
You have my word.
God knows they must be terrified.
Sir Another fine mess you've got me in to! Me? That's rich coming from you.
I was perfectly happy in second class! Well, I was perfectly happy to leave straight after the performance.
Shut your squawking! If only you weren't such an autograph hunter! If only you weren't too hoity toity to mix with ordinary, common, decent folk.
Hoity toity?! Rest assured that all available man power is being deployed in the hunt for The Countess and Mrs McCarthy.
Inspector Mallory, any clues who the robbers might be? We're narrowing the search and confident that it's just a matter of time before they are apprehended.
When, rest assured, they will feel the full weight of the law.
Inspector Mallory? Inspector Mallory? Inspector Mallory? Can you see anything? It looks like a farm.
I meant anything useful.
Well, there isn't a bus stop and a telephone box next to it if that's what you're hoping for.
There's someone coming! What is that? Porridge.
I hardly think so.
You'll eat it, or else.
"Or else" what? We're hardly any use to you dead.
We'll die of starvation if this is what they're going to feed us.
Some toast and marmalade will suffice.
I've got jam.
Father Brown and Miss Windermere, sir.
Show them in.
I've been expecting you.
Please.
You're here to enquire about my progress.
Getaway vehicle.
Over 100 Fordson vans registered in the area so they'll take some time to follow up.
Wha Knowledge of the signals suggests insider knowledge so the Railway are providing names of sacked or disgruntled employees.
Ditto, Dame Bianca's staff.
We're checking for ex convicts in the locale with convictions for robbery.
20 mile road blocks and an All Ports Alert.
So, if you think there is anything I've missed? You've been very thorough, Inspector.
A rare complement from you, Padre.
Now, I know you're dying to interfere.
But on this occasion all that's required is good old-fashioned police work.
If you want to help, maybe you could offer spiritual solace to the family - which has the advantage of keeping them out of my hair.
Now .
.
if you'll excuse me.
Thank you.
A word please, Sergeant.
Shut the door behind you.
I've got press and rubberneckers descending in droves.
I want no repetition of this.
Crime scene under 24 hour guard.
No-one enters.
And you might want to write this down.
Keep the Padre out of my sight.
Any funny business and you deal with it under pain of death.
Yours, that is.
Sir.
Your turn.
They're doing my head in.
No, no, no! No-one would get hurt, they said.
It was an accident.
You were only supposed to shoot the lights out! Wha? It wasn't me.
Well, it weren't me.
I never fired my gun.
Two shots is all I fired.
At the lights.
I think I can count to two.
And I can count to none.
I wouldn't lay bets on it! Are you calling me a liar? I'm calling you an idiot.
Rude!Excuse me! There is, of course, a simple way of resolving this.
It's hard to believe she's gone.
She was always so much larger than life.
She is still larger than life.
Her legacy will live on.
Her voice recorded for eternity.
Poor Lucy.
To lose not one mother but two.
Will you be going ahead with the adoption? No! Good God! My name wasn't on the papers.
She considered fathers extraneous to requirement.
Her husbands never lasted long enough to play the part.
And what will you do, Miss Norman? I hadn't thought about it.
I think I'm rather too old to reinvent myself.
Tony's not.
You could go back to the boards.
You're an actor? As your question infers, an unsuccessful one.
Actually, he was rather good.
Too good for Bianca.
But she decided there wasn't room for two stars in her firmament, and poof .
.
the parts mysteriously dried up.
That's enough, Piers.
Is there any news of Lady Felicia and Mrs McCarthy? The police are doing everything they can.
In the meantime we can only wait and pray.
What did I tell you? Two spent cartridges.
What did I tell you? Six bullets.
Well, that settles that then.
There was another shooter.
Who are "they?" This morning I heard you say "no-one would get hurt, THEY said.
" Them's who's paid us to rob train.
Enough.
Like we can get in more trouble.
Who are these people? We never saw 'em.
They sent the guns and instructions.
All we had to do was shoot out the lights and nab the jewels.
Maybe they were there? It was dark.
I said I couldn't see properly through them stockings.
You should have worn 10 denier.
Will you "shh"! I have to think.
They'll catch us .
.
and they'll hang us, Len.
There, now.
No use crying over spilt milk.
What you need to do is find a way to prove your innocence.
And how do you suggest we do that? KNOCKS AT DOOR Miss Windermere, this was left on the altar.
Any news? No, no news.
You will let us know won't you We will of course.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Mrs Ferris.
The cleaning ladies found this on the altar.
Thank you.
What is it? Hostages begins with an H, not an O.
As for the grammar! Perhaps you could sound more threatening.
"Or else", if you don't mind my saying, sounds a bit woolly.
And wouldn't Father Brown demand some sort of proof? I ain't cutting no fingers off! I wish we could cut their tongues out.
Really! If you can't take any constructive criticism You think you can do a better job? Proveourinnocence Two Ns in innocence.
If READS: You want your friends back alive, don't go to the police.
Is it genuine? READS:PS.
Don't forget to water the aspidistras, and the fiscal accounts are due Friday.
SQUEALING Kitty! Go on! Gertrude, get in it or you'll have it torn! Get over there! They're loading animals into a van.
Oh, my finger! You dirty pig! What kind of animals? Is the breed really relevant? If you must know, pigs.
Today is the second Tuesday of the month.
From which I deduce they're off to the swine sale in Hambleston.
SQUEALING Quite the detective, Mrs M.
Which gives us long enough to makeour escape.
It has obviously escaped your attention that we are chained up like dogs.
Oh, yet another graduate of the Sidney Carter College of Breaking and Entering.
Although why a Countess feels the need to add lock-picking to her accomplishments, I Ta-da! HE SCREAMS Sh!We're in the middle of nowhere! Now what? We go inside, find a telephone and call the police.
Right.
Hello? Holy Mother!Are you all right?! Perfectly.
I often have a nap under a table at this time of day.
More to the point, who are you? Oh! We're, um Our car broke down.
It's a long story.
I wonder, do you have a telephone? In the hall.
Righto.
First things first.
Let's set you to rights.
Yes.
You've got five minutes, Father.
You're a brick, Sergeant.
Anything interesting, Father? A letter, from Dame Bianca Norman's solicitors.
It seems she was planning to divest herself of husband number five.
Anyone could have found this.
That can't be right.
Mallory? 4:00.
All quiet in Dodge? Dodge, sir? Anything to report, Sergeant? Oh, right.
Most of the sightseers got bored and wandered off and the press seem to have given up.
I wouldn't say given up, merely decamped to the police station, awaiting news of our investigation.
And how's that going, sir? Turns out Bianca Norman was patron for a welfare charity for ex-convicts.
I'm having the files sent over to see if they throw up any matches.
Ah, hello.
Police, plea Police Hello? Hello? Hello?! So, who lives here? Me and my brothers.
Ow! Yes, well, you don't want it going septic, now, do you? Especially with hygiene standards around here leaving much to be desired.
Where was it you said you broke down, again? Oh, a couple of miles from here.
It's just, we're pretty remote, and there aren't many places that require evening dress in the middle of the day.
Yes.
Well, don't you worry your head about that.
Now, I am going to make us a nice hot cup of tea.
No-one is going anywhere! Swine sale in Hambleston! Out! I am going nowhere until I have a hot cup of tea inside of me.
You'll do as you're told.
Or what? Oh, he'll poke us to death? Well, at least it might shut you up.
WHISPERS:Len? Len! What?! Are these what you're looking for? Now, would someone like to tell me what's going on? I thought Inspector Mallory Is busy, I'm afraid.
Erwe'd, er The Father would, er Like your aid in a crime reconstruction.
For what possible reason? Well, I hope that will become clear.
Now, if you wouldn't mind, please all take your positions as you were on the night.
The sergeant and I will play the parts of Lady Felicia and Mrs McCarthy.
And Miss Bunty Windermere, our resident ballistics expert, will play the part of the robbers.
Miss Windermere will play the robbers! I improvised.
They burst in! They shot the lights out! Bang! Bang! Then darkness.
Bang! The bullet goes through the chair, through the curtain and then straight through the window.
But the trajectory is wrong.
From this height, the bullet would have embedded itself lower in the wall.
Meaning the killer was seated.
I literally have no idea what you're talking about.
He's not the only one, Sergeant! New evidence suggests a third shooter, sir.
Does he now? It might have been thrown from the window, so I ordered a search.
On whose authority? WHISTLE! It's a gun, Sergeant.
There's a nice set of prints.
I expect we should take fingerprints, sir.
I'll save you the bother.
They're mine.
No, Barb, don't!Say nothing, Tony.
It's nothing you understand.
Just call our solicitor.
Barbara Norman, I'm arresting you for the murder of Bianca Norman.
You are not obliged to say anything unless you wish to do so, but whatever you say may be taken down and given in evidence.
To summarise, a person or persons unknown solicited you to a hold up a train and rob a world-famous diva.
During the execution of which, you failed to rob said jewels.
The diva was shot and you acquired two hostages.
One of whom is a Countess of the Realm.
Thus leaving you Britain's most wanted.
What were you thinking?! Don't tell me this is what I think it is? Well, thank you for at least consulting me before going out and committing armed robbery and kidnap on my behalf! He wants to be a barrister.
And you want to be captain of Aston Villa.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but The difference is, he's got two left feet.
The only thing stopping you is cash.
Scholarship to the grammar school.
Highest school certificate in the county.
His teachers said he was a natural for the law.
Except things as that aren't for the likes of us.
Well, I suppose that's all right, then, you getting us into this unholy mess to provide little old me with an education.
To get you a life.
You want to spend it here, stuck in that chair with loads of books you'll never use? And if something happens to us, what then? They cart you off to spend the rest of it in an institution?! A prospect becoming evermore imminent by the second.
And as for your hostages, they've seen your faces now.
I suppose you're just going to have to shoot them.
That's quite enough of your lip! They're the only insurance we've got.
They're staying in here! Back to the cellar with you! Why? We're in the middle of nowhere here.
You can hardly expect us to make a dash for freedom in these gowns.
And you have cows that need milking! I suggest you tend them while I rustle up something that is at least edible.
She really is the most marvellous cook.
Motion sustained! HE SIGHS Why didn't you bring this to me?! The bit which says, "Do not go to the police".
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't discipline you for gross insubordination! I was following instructions, sir.
READS:Keep the Padre out of my sight.
Any funny business and you deal with it under pain of death.
Yours, that is.
Let's just say that the end justifies the means.
Let's see what she's got to say for herself first.
No traipsing mud through the house! Well, sit yourselves down.
Ah-ah! Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
Amen.
Amen.
Mm-hm.
So I've been looking into your predicament and from what I can gather, the only real offences you've committed are attempted armed robbery and kidnap.
Hand yourselves in and give back the hostages, mitigating circumstances, and a good barrister, you could be looking at as little as five years.
Before or after they hang us for murder? You said the priest would find out who did it! And so he will.
RADIO:This is the BBC.
Here is the news.
TELEPHONE PIPS A huge manhunt continues for armed robbers who murdered world-renowned opera singer Dame Bianca Norman and kidnapped the Countess of Montague and her companion.
Detective Inspector Mallory of Kembleford Police made this statement earlier.
We're narrowing the search and confident it's just a matter of time before they are apprehended.
When, rest assured, they will feel the full weight of the law.
The Earl of Montague has offered a reward for information leading to the safe return of his wife.
Sweet! The Prime Minister Winston Churchill gave a speech in the House of Commons yesterday, opposing the proposed Companion! I do have a name! Maybe they just forgot.
There's no need to take it personally.
How would you like it if they forgot to mention your name? Well, perhaps they didn't think it was as Maybe they didn't think it was as Relevant? Newsworthy?Yes.
No.
Must you always be so oversensitive?! And this from the woman unable to park her posh posterior in a second-class train compartment! My apologies for whisking you off into the lap of luxury! Into armed robbery and murder! Grub's good.
It was pitch-black.
Everyone was shouting.
Then Tony lit a match.
It was only a few seconds, but I saw that his coat was over the chair and I knew there was a gun in the pocket.
Why was your brother carrying a firearm? For exactly the eventuality that transpired.
My mother refused to travel with security.
It wouldn't occur to her that someone so revered would be attacked.
So, you took the gun from the coat? It was mayhem.
Panicking and shouting.
And as I pulled it out, it went off by accident.
I didn't It was only when the lights went on that I saw that she And yet you said nothing.
I was in shock! Everyone assumed it was the robbers.
The longer I kept silent, the harder it was to admit the truth.
That I killed my own mother! Do you know what will happen to me, Inspector? It seems it was nothing more than a tragic accident.
She'll be released from police custody while enquiries continue.
Poor soul.
Imagine killing your own mother.
Frequently.
This will make the morning papers.
Your faith in the villain's code would be touching if not so misguided.
Which means it's down to me.
They're in here somewhere, and I won't rest till I find them.
Thank you.
BIRDSONG Cudlip.
Cudlip.
Cudlip.
Gotcha! Morning, sir.
Sergeant, get me HQ on the blower.
Leonard Cudlip.
Former track engineer sentenced to two years - involvement with robbery on a train.
Recently sent a begging letter to Dame Bianca's ex-convicts' charity, which was rejected.
And brother Daryl is the registered owner of a green Fordson van.
Permission to draw weapons, sir? Yes, sir, we will.
I take it you've found the kidnappers? You can take it to mean I have no time for unwanted visitors.
Round up all available men, and I want maps of Deepwell Farm and the surrounding area.
Right you are, sir.
For the sake of our beloved friends, I urge you not to go in heavy-handed.
WHISTLE! BELL RINGS MUSIC PLAYS Boots!Police! BELL RINGS Get down! PANICKED SHOUTS Cuthbert, Clough, search the outbuildings! The rest of you, stand by and await my orders.
This is no place for civilians! Well, if you're going to have a shoot-out, a priest might come in handy.
I could out-sniper the lot of you, if you'd care to give me a firearm.
No, I would not.
Sir? Just found this.
It's my aunt's! Right.
You are surrounded by armed police, with no means of escape! Release the women and surrender yourselves! I advise you do as he says.
If we surrender, they'll hang us for murder.
What, then? I'd rather go down fighting.
What if we shot someone? It's not their fault, Len! You could take the bullets out of the guns.
That lot out there would never know they were unloaded.
At least a bullet will be quick.
I'm frightened, Len! I don't want to die! So, Inspector, what's your plan? I'm going to make them wish they'd never been born.
It's a bit gung-ho, isn't it? Isn't it standard practice to negotiate, sir? They don't know that.
Get ready to fire on my command if they don't come out in five minutes! Let's see if that flushes them out.
They said they'd release the hostages if we found the killer! And you believe them? Especially when they're caught, like rats in a trap? Now, if you'd move aside Padre? Padre? Come back here! Padre! Hello? My name's Father Brown.
Oh, thank goodness! The cavalry has arrived.
I have something to show you.
It's a trap! They'll fire through the door! Don't worry, they won't shoot a priest.
I wouldn't count on it! READS:A 32-year-old female has been released without charge.
There! What did I tell you? With the murder charge dropped, good behaviour, you could be out in five years.
I can't go back inside.
As for him, he wouldn't last five minutes.
Didn't he tell you? It's not his first offence.
Our parents were dead.
The farm was going under.
Somebody had to put food on table.
With us gone, what'll happen to him? Wish you'd thought of that before you went and robbed a train.
I'm sorry.
Me, too.
It's the thought that counts, eh? Time's up! 10 seconds, then we're coming in! Just a few more minutes.
I've humoured you enough, Padre.
Now, get out of the way before you accidentally get shot! Fivefour threetwo Don't shoot! Hold your fire! Weapons down! Inspector, thank goodness! We were so frightened! Oh, Aunt Fliss! It's good to see you safe, ladies, but please move away from the house.
This could get nasty.
No! No! Those men in there, they didn't kidnap us.
On the contrary.
They were our knights in shining armour.
Yoo-hoo! You can come out now! I won't get up.
I'm Timothy Cudlip.
These are my brothers, Daryl and Lenny.
There seems to have been some sort of a misunderstanding.
Then why did you hole yourself up inside? Because you look like the sort to shoot first and ask questions later.
And all the time, you were held in the back of their van? Until this morning, when they drove us here and dumped us in the middle of nowhere without so much as a by-your-leave! And this is when your rescuers found you? Yes.
May I enquire why you didn't immediately call the police? Well, the telephone was out of order.
Yes.
Can you give us any descriptions of the kidnappers? No.
They were wearing masks.
But we did hear them talking, and one of them mentioned a cousin in Anglesey? Anglesey, yes.
With a boat.
Forgive us, we're exhausted.
I think my aunt has had quite enough questions for today.
I must return to the Earl.
Of course, Your Ladyship.
Yeah.
I will be needing full statements from you.
Yes.
When you have recovered.
For Christian ladies, you are very adept at lying.
It's a long story.
I can't wait.
Do you reckon the kidnappers are heading to Wales, then, sir? Get on the blower to Anglesey, see if they have wind of any unusual sailings.
I hear you're leaving.
The police decided not to press charges.
I've been very lucky.
To get away with murder.
I say, steady on.
Even the police say it was an accident.
What gave you the right to judge? The only judge you need fear is God.
Both of you.
On a charge of matricide.
Premeditated and coldblooded.
I don't know what you're talking about.
An ex-convict called Leonard Cudlip wrote to your mother's charity requesting a loan.
Was that when you decided he'd be the perfect scapegoat for murder? What's that? A little lie that exposed you.
If you had been singed by the match .
.
the stem would have been charred.
Of what possible significance? Exactly.
Why lie about something so inconsequential? Unless it did have a meaning.
You ordered the lights to be shot out in the carriage, knowing you'd be in darkness, needing light just for a moment to get your target in your sights.
You think that'll hold up in a court of law? I'm only interested in your immortal souls.
It's not what you think.
Barb!He knows, Tony.
And I, for one, can't live with the knowledge.
I persuaded Tony.
To protect the child.
To protect Lucy from your mother? Oh, I do wish you wouldn't call her that.
Mothers bring up children.
The only time we ever saw her was when she wheeled us out for interviews.
Playing happy families with her adoring fans.
Little did they know that we were purchased as possessions.
By a woman demanding unconditional love and giving none in return! And now we are old and stale, she set her eyes on a new victim.
Lucky Lucy.
There's irony.
It was too late for us, but not for her.
WHISPERS:A life for a life! And what about the lives of the men you callously framed for murder? They weren't supposed to get caught.
We'd have let them keep the jewels.
How magnanimous of you.
And while we won't go to prison, we've been sentenced to a lifetime of guilt.
That will not be necessary.
God sent his only son to bear the burden of our sins.
If only it were so simple.
It issimple.
Confess what is in your soul .
.
and if you are true .
.
you will be forgiven.
COCKEREL CROWS Ah! Well, it seems the police lost track of the robbers somewhere off the coast of Anglesey.
Anglesey? Ah, yes, a little white lie.
I'm surprised you didn't turn us in.
I try to be a man of my word.
So is my husband.
Apropos of whichfor you.
What's this? It's a cheque for a thousand pounds! I can see that.
I mean, what's she's giving it to us for? The reward money for my safe return.
We don't want it.
We don't? After what we did, you think we'd take your money? It will look jolly suspicious if you don't.
You aren't bad men.
Although you are terrible cooks.
Ask him.
Doesn't God reward the good and punish the wicked? His ways are ever-mysterious.
However, he holds it a sin for men to bury talents that could be put to use in his service.
WHISPERS: What? He's talking about me.
I predict that God has plans for this young man.