Futurama s07e01 Episode Script

7x01 - The Bots and the Bees [alarm wailing.]
[pet chitters.]
Professor [over P.
A.
.]
: Planet Express crew, report to headquarters immediately! Repeat: What I just said, immediately! [whirring.]
Sorry, Randy.
[gasps.]
Step away from the car and no one gets hurt! Ow! To the employment cave! [grunts.]
Ow! Oh! Thanks dear.
Off to work.
[yells.]
[hoofbeats galloping.]
Hyah! Hyah! Whoa, whoa, there, girl.
Go on now! Get on back to Paraguay! [bleating.]
[growls.]
[all gasp.]
We're being eaten by a giant spider! There's no time for that! The Professor needs us! [engines whirring.]
[clunks.]
[all grunting.]
[gasps.]
Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo! Crew, as you know, I've delivered a lot of good news in the past.
But what I'm about to lay down is by far the greatest announcement in the history of Planet Express! [excited clamoring.]
What is it?! I'm on the edge of my butt! Ladies and gentlemen, feast your eyes on our amazing new soda machine! [all cheering.]
You undersold it, Professor! Look, it has Slurm Loco! It's the extremiest! Hey, what can I get y'all? Ooh! Ooh! Hey, drink machine, what kind of alcoholic sodas you got? Y'all can't drink at work! This ain't a sawmill! No alcohol?! [scoffs.]
And you got the nerve to call yourself a beverage machine?! I call myself "Bev.
" And if you're looking for a smelly old can of booze, go look in the mirror.
- Oh, snap! - Oh! Now, now, everybody calm down.
Yeah, I need one more Slurm.
And one more to wash that Slurm taste out of my mouth.
So I went to the bathroom and my pee was green.
Pretty neat, huh? I was wondering who Shrekked in the toilet.
I hope you're proud of yourself, Bev.
You've turned this perfectly worthless loser into an addict.
Cut me some slack, preacher.
I'm just a coal grinder's daughter trying to stay off the pole.
With that big ol' caboose, it'd have to be a telephone pole! Hey-oh! [laughing.]
Well, I guess a fella's gotta talk big when he's sportin' a little shriveled-up antenna like that.
What?! For your information, "madam," it's a grower, not a show-er! My antenna's fine.
It's just fine.
Ladies can't get enough Bender.
I need to loosen up.
Give me a screwdriver.
Hello.
Who's your hot, dumb friend? - Me? - Me? Sure, why not.
[both giggle.]
[both laughing.]
Hang on.
It's too bright in here.
Call me old-fashioned, but I like a little romance in an orgy.
Let me switch off this weird light.
Yow! Fry, it's 2:00 a.
m.
What are you doing here glowing on my skanks? Just sitting here turning quarters into urine.
We don't gotta put up with this.
We got Poli Sci degrees.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hang on.
I'll just politely escort him to the gutter.
Scram, shiny! [grunts.]
All right, how we feelin'? Hot.
I could bake a potato in my cleavage.
Yeah, I need a seltzer.
[sighs.]
I'd be honored to purchase you some refreshment.
Uh, hey, drink machine, you got anything classy for these delicate flowers? I ain't makin' drinks for no trashy robo-sluts.
Trashy? At least I don't put out for quarters.
[growls.]
[both gasping.]
Hey! Hey.
Stop that, drink machine.
Stop it, I say.
That's it, we're out of here.
Come on.
We'll split a blintz.
Wait, give me a chance to defend your honor.
And then sully it on the couch.
All right, I've been waiting all day for an excuse to hit a lady.
You try it, and I'll bash your face in.
Ooh, I'm so scared, No-Arms.
[grunts.]
[groans, blubbers.]
[both grunting.]
You want some of this? [both grunting.]
[both moaning.]
Ee! Ah! - Oh! Interesting.
- Mmm! Leela: Uh, Fry? You're glowing like the Human Torch on prom night.
Shouldn't you be standing on a rocky coast somewhere preventing shipwrecks? [all laughing.]
Nice, hate me because of the brightness of my skin.
[Bev groaning.]
You okay, ma'am? I think your soda water broke.
[grunting.]
[baby cryi.]
My God! Bev just had a baby in my cup! [all groaning.]
- I know, right? - I better take that.
Aw, he's so cute.
Wait.
No, he isn't.
He looks like Bender! [all gasping.]
Oh, no, no, no.
No way am I that kid's Dad! Wipe my tiny metal ass! Aw, crap.
Mama, thirsty! Hang on, dumpling.
My milk's coming in.
Ugh! In public? Aw, biscuits! I'm a father?! - How did this happen? - Does this ring a bell? Are you telling me the stuff we did in private, and also twice on the sidewalk, made a baby robot? How?! Aw, Bender, didn't your mom ever tell you where robot babies come from? No.
She was a religious fundamentalist.
Plus she didn't have a mouth.
It's an unusual combination.
Come on, everyone, let's take Bender to the teen center to learn about the bots and the bees! Leela: It's okay, Bender.
No one here will laugh at you for not knowing where robot babies come from.
[all laughing.]
[laughing fades.]
We don't know either.
Then prepare to be embarrassed.
Narrator: Sex Ed, Volume One, or Pants Full of Shame! Meet Gerald, a maturing young robot.
Hey, he looks like me! His hideous appearance is a by-product of his hardware gearing up for an important mission: reproduction.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! Since factories can't manufacture enough robots to meet demand, robots can also reproduce by mating.
Oh, now you tell me! First, Gerald must find a female robot.
The best he can do is Francine.
[buzzer sounds.]
After beer and hot wings at a local gas station, the two enjoy intimate time behind a Dumpster.
[dog barking.]
It's all perfectly natural.
Let's watch, aroused, as Gerald's antenna uploads a binary file to Francine's internal drive.
Manufacturing specs from each parent are then merged by a randomized algorithm, and the resulting code guides assembly of a new robot.
[blows raspberry.]
Yes, everything your body does is perfectly natural.
Except masturbation.
That's just wrong.
Oh! I can't believe I made a kid! I'm not ready! There's so much of the world I haven't stolen yet! Relax, Bender.
No one would let you near a child.
Bev will get custody, and you'll be a deadbeat Dad who never even bothers to know his own son.
[sniffles.]
: You really think so? I know so.
You're absolutely horrible in every way.
You're sweet, Leela.
[giggling.]
Sorry, Bev, but I ain't cut out for fatherhood.
So here's my certificate of abandonment drawn up by our notary! That'll be ten bucks.
Now take your kid and hit the soup line! [laughs.]
[sobs.]
: Oh, no, you don't, mister! Damn baby's drivin' me crazy! [giggling.]
He won't stop giggling no matter how much I scream at him! [sobbing.]
There, there.
I still got womanly needs! Who's gonna look twice at me with this dirty leech hangin' off my dairy nozzle? Not me, that's for sure.
Then it's settled! He's all yours, Pappy! Hey, wait! You can't! What?! [crying.]
Ah Ah! [both crying.]
[baby crying.]
[crying fades.]
[soft snoring.]
[sighs.]
[loud crying.]
What the?! Aw, can't I have one moment to myself?! Why can't you sleep? I left my window open, and moths got in.
I swear, if I wasn't such a great Dad, I'd grab his ugly little neck and [grunts.]
[giggles.]
Hey, he stopped screaming for a second! Bend some other stuff! [laughs.]
[loud crack, Fry screams.]
Ben'! Ben'! He loves bending, just like me.
Aw, I'm gonna call him Ben after the first half of me Bender.
[burps.]
That's my bastard! [wheel squeaking.]
[grunting and panting.]
[grunting.]
[alarm sounds.]
[giggles.]
[both laughing.]
[gunshots.]
Uh, oh! [laughing.]
Bend it, Daddy! Bend it like it called you poo-poo-face! It called me what?! [intense grunting.]
Yay! You bended it like a "petzel.
" Okay, now you.
[grunts.]
I can't do it! Hey, buddy, you're learning.
You'll get there.
Bender, I was wrong.
You're a fine parent, and I want to apolo - Leela was wrong! - Leela was wrong! - Leela was wrong! - Leela was wrong! [both laughing.]
Daddy, how'd you get so good at bending? I inherited my arm control software from my mom.
That's how it's passed down, mother to son.
But my mommy had no arms! Does that mean I can never be a bender? Well, sure you can! You just need to get a bending card installed.
I hate to crush a boy's dreams, but what the heck.
He has only one expansion slot, and it holds his memory card.
This robot will never bend.
Don't tell my son what he can and can't do! You may know what's in his head, but you don't know what's in his heart! - There's no slot in there either.
- I said shut up! Today marks young Ben's 13th day of being left on continuously.
And so, before the Lord and this congregation, we upgrade him to man-bot.
Can I get a mazel tov? All: Mazel tov! [gurgling.]
: Mazel tov! I'd like to thank the Preacherbot for the introduction and also for not circumcising me again, am I right? [scattered chuckles.]
Twice was enough.
But seriously today, I'm not just a manbot, I'm the luckiest manbot alive.
My mom may have abandoned me, but I have the greatest Dad in the whole universe.
He's patient, he's not afraid to show his emotions Don't look at me! and someday, if my dreams come true, I'll be a bender, just like him.
You must be so proud of your boy.
[sniffs.]
I could take him or leave him.
I'm back for my son! I've come to take him and leave with him! [congregation gasps.]
She beat you to both things.
It's okay, son, mama's here now.
Daddy! Don't let her take me! Get your lack of hands off my boy! You're an unfit parent who abandoned her child! Oh, yeah? Well, I'm still less unfitter than you.
- Says who?! - Says this document you gave me when you tried to abandon Ben first! [straining grunt.]
It's genuine.
[all gasping.]
That doesn't prove I'm an unfit parent! I was drunk and violent when I signed that! Well, I'm drunk and violent now.
He's comin' with me! Daddy! [sobs.]
[sobbing.]
: Son! My boy's gone.
All I have left to remember him are these innocent play things we stole together.
[monkey chitters.]
[sniffles.]
Fry, put these someplace safe.
[sizzling, monkey shrieks.]
[sobbing.]
That's it, Fry! For a guy who's not too bright, you're too damn bright! Now, get out! And don't come back until someone finds a use for a million-watt idiot! [crying.]
[electrical crackling.]
Mom, will I ever get to see Dad again? No, he died yesterday.
Rust monsters ate his face.
Sweet dreams! [whimpering.]
[tapping on glass.]
Bender: Psst! Quit whimpering or you don't get kidnapped! Dad! [grunts.]
[moaning and whimpering.]
Ah Come on.
Let's run for it.
[both panting.]
[both moaning.]
[both panting.]
What's going to happen to us now, Dad? Well, I reckon we'll just sit around this campfire awhile.
- But then what? - Only a fool plans more than a few centuries ahead, son.
[helicopter blades whirring.]
[both scream.]
Url: Freeze, tin woodsmen! Smitty: You're under arrest for kidnapping and burning raccoons without a permit! [both scream.]
[shouts.]
It's over, Dad.
It ain't over! I can't outrun a hovercopter, but I can out-bend it! [grunts.]
[grunting continues.]
[Bender screams.]
I know! Let's outrun it! Bender: There's a dam! - Damn! - There's a grate! - Ben: Great! - But I can't bend anything with my arms agonizingly maimed like this.
Well, maybe I can! [exaggerated gasp.]
[grunts.]
You can do it, son.
[grunts.]
Yeah, this ain't gonna happen.
Is that even necessary? I'm sorry, Daddy.
You got nothing to be sorry about.
[whispers.]
He's really a very good father.
All right, I got her statement.
And a straight up grape soda.
[slurps.]
Aw, yeah.
I promise things will be different, son.
From now on, I'm chaining you to a radiator.
I'm amazed someone who dispenses such warm soda, could be so coldhearted! I'm gonna buy a drink just so I can throw it in your face! [gasps.]
It's another soda baby! [all gasping.]
Damn.
You got knocked up by a police officer while he was looking for your kidnapped child? Sure did! I still got it.
So, now what happens? Tell you what, you keep the big one.
Long as I got a baby to neglect, I'm happy.
Should we call child services? Nah, let's just get outta here.
[whooping.]
[whooping.]
- Whoo? - Sorry, Dad.
I'm glad to be back.
I'm just kind of bummed I can't bend stuff.
All I ever wanted was to go to Bending State-Santa Cruz.
But that's never gonna happen.
Listen, you need something bent, you come to me, huh, champ? Damn it, I love that little guy so much! I'd sacrifice any four of you if it would help him bend even a little! There is one way but no, it's too horrible.
Nothing's too horrible for my boy! Well I could install a bending card.
But you said he only has one slot! Correct.
I'd have to remove his memory card.
He'd be able to bend, but he'd lose all his memories.
He wouldn't even remember who you are.
[grunts.]
You sure you want to be a bender, son? More than anything.
Just remember, your Daddy loves you.
Remember that, will you, son? Remember that.
[sobs.]
Dad, are you crying? [marker squeaks.]
No! I said with the mouth you're looking at.
[grunts.]
[whistles.]
You sure take after your old man! I never knew my father.
[squeaks.]
It's not important.
What is important is that we get you to Bending State-Santa Cruz in time for registration.
Then we'd better hurry! Registration ends in one hour.
To the ship! [sighs.]
It's too foggy.
We can't navigate through this storm.
Our lights aren't bright enough.
- I'm sorry I let you down, son.
- Who are you again? It's just not possible to get you to bending school this year.
[door whooshes open.]
Or is there? [gulps, exhales.]
[all cheering.]
: All right, Fry! Merry college registration day, everyone! [thunder crashes.]
[Fry screams.]
[thunder crashes.]
[screams.]
[both laughing.]
[thunder crashes.]
[Fry screams.]