Hustle s07e01 Episode Script
Silent Witness (aka As Good as It Gets)
MUSIC: Rule, Britannia! Well, there's no beating about the bush.
The United Kingdom is in pretty poor shape.
.
.
Duncan.
The deficit forecast for the end of 2011 stands somewhere in the region of £180 billion.
It's pretty clear now that neither growth nor austerity cuts in public services will alleviate the problem.
Without getting rid of some hefty assets, we may well have another Greece on our hands.
And on behalf of her Majesty's government, I can say that we cannot allow that to happen.
David and Nick are fully behind the project.
As soon as details of the assets are released, they will only be available to registered bidders.
Only a select group of investors are taking part.
In order to become one of the companies registered to bid, you must leave a bond of £200,000 today.
Though, of course, that will be deducted from the price of any subsequent assets you acquire.
Once you've registered your interest by way of a bond, we can move on and visit some of the properties for sale on the list.
Do you know, there's a bloke here, he backed eleven horses over five races, bet three quid, walked away with 68 grand.
Huh! Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Do you have any sweeteners? Yeah.
In the draw.
Thanks.
And you are? Sorry.
I'm Grace.
Oh, You must be Sean's team! He's told me so much about you.
Now, wait, let me guess.
Umyou have to be Emma, his secretary.
And Albert, financial advisor.
Michael, PA.
And Ashley, his personal trainer.
He told me he couldn't cope without you.
Did he now? It must be awesome working for such a great guy! Oh, yes, we're thrilled.
It's such a shame thoughabout his you know? His? Condition.
He's such a brave little soldier.
Hmm.
Erm, I don't suppose I could? Yeah.
Of course.
Thanks.
So you told that poor girl you had six months to live just to get her into bed? No.
I said that was the worst-case scenario, if the ground-breaking new drug therapy didn't work.
What is it you're supposed to have exactly? I was non-specific.
However, you were very specific about me being your personal assistant.
And me being your secretary.
It does seem a little over-elaborate.
I had to explain why I was living with four other people.
It's not like we're the flaming Beatles.
Well, I hope she was worth it.
What, Grace? She was amazing.
It's not likely to be a long-term relationship then? Why not? Well, telling her you've only got six months to live, for a start.
The drug therapy could work.
Wonderful things happening.
New drugs are coming through all the time.
Yeah, that's true.
Are we really discussing the merits of a drug therapy that doesn't exist and whether or not it can cure an illness he hasn't got? So you've never told a white lie to get a bit of action? No! All right, what about that geezer with the boat? You said you were a nurse.
He wanted to know what I did for a living.
I could hardly tell him I was a con artist! So you made something up.
To cover my tracks, not to sleep with him.
But you did anyway! Actually, I didn't.
Ha! I didn't.
Cor blimey, must be something in the air! Oh, that is just wrong! All right, gang? This is Kacey All right? Hiya.
.
.
my niece.
ALL: Oh! Hiya.
She's come to stay with her Uncle Eddie for a few days, haven't you, sweetheart? Yeah.
(She's got a very important meeting.
) You go and get yourself ready.
I'll bring the car round, all right? Sean, are you checking my niece out? No.
You were.
You'll have to excuse him, his hormones are playing up.
Well, hands off, OK? I'm responsible for her while she's down here.
Don't worry, we'll keep him in check.
I've got to take Kacey to that meeting, so I was going to close up, but if you're staying, you can watch the place for me.
I'll only be gone half-an-hour.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Nice one.
Just leave the money for your drinks and stuff behind the bar somewhere, OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Behind the bar.
OK.
I bet Eddie's a great uncle.
Right.
Down to business.
Who's our next mark, Albert? Er We have the Right Honourable Jeremy Garrett MP.
'Just promoted to the Treasury' Clara.
'.
.
and already looking to 'line his own pockets.
' We should put a tax on chips, ketchup andlager.
That way, we'd recoup most of the benefits we pay to the layabouts, and anything else, we could claw back with organ donation.
Well, he gets my vote.
We also have the High Court Judge, Stanley Mead.
'An upstanding gentleman, who sits on the Committee for Public Decency.
' LAUGHTER Yes, Albert.
I'm, er, deep in a completed case at the moment.
THEY LAUGH Cheers, darlings! Oh, Judgey! Ooh! Your Honour! Ooh! He specialises in fraud cases.
Once quoted as saying, "all con men should be hung, drawn and quartered.
" Well, he just jumped to the top of the list.
Anyone else? Yes.
I've been cultivating a relationship with Viscount Manley.
His father's just given him £100,000 to invest in a share portfolio.
'What can I tell you about this fine young product of the aristocracy?' HE LAUGHS So, how is the minimum wage these days?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I dare say we've spent your month's salary on our bloody starter! 'Ladies and gentlemen, the choice is yours.
' Nah, it has to be his Lordship.
Oh, no, it's the MP for me.
The MP How can it possibly be the MP? THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I don't know, what about the Judge? What about the Judge? Let's take a vote! Oi! Let's all write down our favourite.
I'm going to abstain.
I can't choose between them.
Kace? Kacey? What's the matter, love? Kace! I just want to be on my own! I feel so stupid! Oh, come on, Kace! DOOR SLAMS They told her she had a modelling job, that's why she's down here.
Only it was a flamin' con.
No! She had £900 her nan left her.
The robbing bastards have had it all.
Every penny.
Scandalous.
It's not the money, like.
I can give her that back.
But they've broken her heart, you know? She was so excited.
The whole family's sitting by the phone waiting to hear how she got on.
Poor thing.
I hate people like that.
Yeah, preying on pretty girls.
Hey, that's it.
You lot could get them for me.
Get them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, do your stitchy-up con thingy.
Yeah, well, we'd love to, Ed, but we've got a lot on at the moment.
Bit of a backlog.
Sorry, mate, I shouldn't have asked.
On the other hand, he is a mate.
Yeah, that's true.
Really? Of course we'll help you, Eddie.
Ah, guys.
I know you take the mick sometimes, you know? All the banter and that, but you're proper friends, you know? And And you don't have to worry about paying us.
Although if we do help you out, you might feel bad about charging us for drinks.
EDDIE LAUGHS Well, fellas, it looks like Eddie's made the choice for us.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Grace.
Just wishing me luck at the hospital.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
Like a baby.
Well, she was a looker.
You were definitely punching above your weight.
She was, wasn't she? How did you pull her in the first place? I saw her alone at a bar and I, er, gave her the Sean Special.
The Sean Special? Yeah, I pulled my hankie out.
You what? I learnt this years ago.
There's one thing that no woman can resist.
Which is? A bloke crying.
It brings out their maternal instincts.
Oh, leave it out! I promise you, it never fails.
You should try it some time.
OK, ready when you are Wendy Stanton.
CEO of Model Devotion.
Hardly Vogue material, is she? More Horse and Hound.
Alice Foster? Too fat.
She's only a size six.
Exactly.
Tell her to come back when she's got an eating disorder.
Oh, and no calls for an hour.
I'm having crystals.
She sounds like a real sweetheart(!) She's a failed model who's now trying to break into the high-end fashion market as an agency, but has never made it.
Most of her work is low-end catalogue stuff and it drives her mental.
What makes it worse is that her ex-partner, Betty Greenacre, has just got a contract to supply models for Milan Fashion Week.
So that's our way in.
We offer her the thing she wants most.
A shot at the big time.
How did she con Eddie's niece? She puts ads in most of the regional press looking for young girls who want to be models.
Once she gets them in, she tells them they'll need a portfolio.
300 quid for a head shot, another four for full-body shots, plus extra for admin costs and inclusion in her directory.
Of course, she tells them they'll recoup every penny on their first job.
Which never comes.
Exactly.
Now, I'd say she scams about 100 girls like Kacey every year.
At a grand each?! That's a lot of dough! Better still, she says she can save them VAT if they pay in cash, and none of it shows up in her filed accounts.
So she's stashing it? Something tells me she's not giving it to charity.
That's the other thing about her.
She is as tight as a duck's backside.
Hates parting with money.
Not the greatest character trait in a mark.
We'llwork around it.
What about the other marks? I'll keep them warm.
Good.
Then let's get to it.
Are you OK? Good afternoon.
I'd like to make an appointment to see Miss Stanton, it's for Mr Hilary King.
Ahem I'm being manipulated! I'm sorry, but there's a call.
They're very insistent.
Who? He said he works withHilary King? Never heard of him.
He's a designer.
Apparently, he's featured in here.
Page 64.
Hello.
Wendy Stanton.
And you've checked the amount? Yeah.
OK.
And it's been 30 days? 60.
Er, Hilary King is here.
Show him in.
Ahem SHE GIGGLES Hilary! Welcome to Model Devotion.
The pleasure is all mine, sweets.
I thought we'd sit in the soft area.
Perfect.
This is my assistant, Anthony.
I hope you don't mind if Helena sits in? She's my lifestyle coach.
Of course, babe.
Of course.
Didn't I read somewhere that you're launching a new range in Milan? Yeah, I am, yeah.
That's exactly why I'm here.
Oh? I need to find a special kind of girl for the launch.
How exciting! My vision is to use London as a theme.
A twist on Cool Britannia.
It's going to be called UKChic.
Inspired! But I need to find someone new to be the face of UKChic.
The days of the stick insect are, like, done, you get me? I want to find someone who looks real.
Pretty, yeah, but someone who looks like they know what a chip is.
Got to be earthy, fun, in your face.
Someone that says, "I'm here, this is me, so deal with.
" This could be mega.
Bigger than mega, babe.
Mega-mega.
I'm loving the vision.
So how can I help? We've tried all the larger agencies, but all we've been shown is the usual array of rib cages.
So let's see what you've got.
OMG! Wow! That's, that's her! Are you sure? No doubt, look at her eyes! That's the one.
OK Leave it to me.
Erm, I'll call Kacey right away.
I'll wait.
Oh, you have a six o'clock with Ms Greenacre.
But you can cancel that now, surely, now that we've found the girl? Yeah, kill it.
Don't forget dinner with Miss McCartney.
Oh Can't cancel Stella again, she'll be livid.
Oh, God, it's sooh! Er, um, um, um, um, um, um, um All right, I'll leave it with you, but I must have her! Consider it done.
I'm so excited! Me too! Brimming over! This is mega! Oh, mega-mega.
You'll call the moment she's confirmed? The very second.
All right.
Got to jet.
Excellent.
Hugs.
Kisses! Hold that.
Ahem SHE DIALS NUMBER Ahem IN LIVERPOOL ACCENT: Hello? Hello, is that Kacey Bond? Wendy Stanton, from Model Devotion.
Oh, hiya! Can you pop in today? Today, no, sorry.
I'm on a train back to Liverpool, it's me nan's birthday.
How about tomorrow? Tomorrow? No, I can't, cos I've got to ask me mum, cos I'm due back at college.
Can you let me know? Yeah.
OK, bye.
How did it go? Yeah, on schedule.
What about this end? Eleven calls in the last half hour.
Good, good.
I wonder how Ash is getting on.
Nice and classy, guys.
It's a studio, not a knocking shop.
PHONE RINGS Martha Yeah, look, I need someone who knows their way around a camera, a couple of kids and two or three birds, have to be lookers.
If they've done a bit of catwalk, all the better POWER TOOLS ROAR Oi! I'm talking here! .
.
Yeah, two brunettes, one blonde, legs up to their neck.
Lovely All right, yeah.
Ta-da.
PHONE RINGS Guess who? She should be desperate enough by now.
Make an appointment for 10.
30 tomorrow morning.
Hello? Oh, yeah, hiya.
Me mum said she can watch the baby and Uncle Eddie can bring me down tomorrow, if you still want to see me? Er, yeah, OK.
Is 10.
30 all right? .
.
Yeah.
Me too.
Bye.
How was she? A bit gushy.
Great.
Sean, call Eddie, brief him.
Studio's up and running, but I've only got the keys until six tomorrow night.
OK.
6pm, that will have to do.
I don't care if she's a haemophiliac, either she has her tits done or she doesn't get the job.
And what about Sadie? Has she had her bikini line waxed? I can't imagine what the client thought.
They must have half expected to find David Attenborough down there No, darling, I've got a meeting in five minutes.
Look, sweeten the pill, but they need to know their daughter's a pig, and unless we can find a client looking for someone with bad skin and a face that looks like it's been hit by a shovel, she'd be better off getting a job in a fast-food outlet.
.
.
What? Kacey Bond is here to see you.
All right.
Bye.
.
.
Show her in.
SHE GIGGLES Kacey, darling! Thrilled! Sorry we couldn't get here any sooner, like, it's Kacey's nan Don't worry, sweetie.
Now, I have some very exciting news.
I have a client who's about to launch at Milan Fashion Week.
Milan?! It took a lot of persuading on my part, but I think I've finally won him round and he's thinking of using YOU! Isn't that marvellous? Sounds fantastic, doesn't it, Kace? Now, the money's not great, but it'll be a real chance to make your mark, get your first step on the ladder.
I can't believe it! I'm really made up.
It's so exciting! She's always been a looker, always.
She has! Has she? No, she's gorgeous! How do I look? Cheap.
Is that good or bad? Good! Great.
Eyedrops! Oh! Thank you.
How do I look? Expensive.
Is that good or bad? Perfect.
Briefcase! Ooh, it's like having kids.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Yeah? OK, ta.
Eddie's out.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Yeah, me, speak Wend, hello! Oh, that is wonderful news, yeah.
Listen, I'm having lunch later with one of the investors for Milan and I wondered if you'd like to come over and meet him? He's an old friend, knows nothing about fashion, but he was very excited about our new girl! All right, yeah, good.
I'll have Anthony call you and give you the details Yeah, babe.
All right, all right.
Hugs! Bye! What a frightful woman.
# Who's that girl all alone on the dancefloor? Who's that girl? # Will she get what she came for? Who's that, who's that # Who's that, who's that girl? # Who's she taking home tonight? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Wendy! Mwah, mwah.
Hello, babe Ooh, this is Humphrey, the friend I was telling you about.
Humps, please.
Bloody good to meet you.
Hilary tells me you're in business together.
Well, yes.
I don't understand it myself, don't pretend that I do, all this prancing around But Hilary's a good egg, so live and let live, eh? Absolutely! Are these your new designs? LOL! No, my designs are under lock and key, this is just some promotional material for Milan.
And when can I see your designs? When we have our face of UKChic to model them.
I spoke to her this morning.
And? She's on board.
That is sick! This is that girl I was telling you about.
Bloody marvellous! Can't wait to see her.
She took some persuading, she's got a lot of offers on the table.
I don't doubt it.
And we may need to discuss her fee again, she, er, doesn't come cheap.
Steady, Hils, she's moving in for the kill! I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.
Let's have a sit down and a nice chat, eh? .
.
Anthony, come and take some notes for the press release, love! Have a seat there, Wend.
Right Tell me about our girl.
Well, her name is Kacey Bond, she's from Liverpool.
I've been cultivating her for quite some time.
The moment I saw her, I knew she was destined for great things.
That's very clever of you.
Well, fortunately, I have a gift for this kind of thing.
Now, she's working class, but with a little help, that shouldn't be a problem.
Kacey is the jewel in my crown, which is why I said she, er, she won't come cheap.
Oh, dear, Hils, she's off again.
As Kacey's manager, I need to keep her interests close to my heart.
All right, all right, I was thinking, ooh10,000 a week? Pounds? Naturally! Well She's playing us, old boy.
Oh, Wendy, all right, all right, 12.
But that's my limit.
£12,000 a week? Do we have a deal? Oh! You drive a hard bargain! Hurrah! Fantastic! Oh, that's great.
We'll get Kacey over for fittings next week and then, Milan, here we come! I'll have Anthony go over the details with you.
Perfect.
Will you be investing, Wendy? Excuse me? Well, you know, it's a great opportunity.
Yes.
Erhave your name associated with the brand.
Erm Well, yes, er That is very It's a very, very good idea, Humps, yes.
Just a big toe, really, say, erm Well, er Um Oh! Is that the time?! Damn it, I'm going to be late for my next appointment, sorry.
Very, very, very interesting LOUD CLATTER Ha-ha! Yes, we must, um I'll give it a lot of thought.
I'll call.
I'll call Hugs! Kisses! Game over.
Well, that went well.
We'll have to loosen her up a bit.
How? That woman in her office.
The one with the candles and incense.
The lifestyle coach? How's that going to help? She's superstitious, so we'll give her a nudge from the other side.
At some point, we'll have to arrange flights for you to join Mr King in Milan for Fashion Week.
First class, of course.
And let us know if you have any preference on what hotel you'd like to stay in.
Well, I'll have my people talk to your people.
F-A-B.
I thought Hilary might be here.
No, he has a reading this afternoon.
Oh? Mm, his psychic life coach.
Apparently, she's amazing.
He never makes a move without consulting her first.
A psychic life coach? Mm.
In the fashion world, anyone who is anyone uses her.
I mean, Donatella swears by her.
THE Donatella? Is there another one? Er, this lady, does she ever take on any new clients? Oh, no.
Although I'm sure if you mentioned Mr King's name Ciao.
Hilary speaks very highly of you.
I understand he won't make a move without consulting you first.
I do what I can.
I think you're being modest.
You have an excellent aura.
Do I? Mm.
It's beautiful.
Give me your hands.
Hmm.
Is it my chakra? Oh, heavens, no, chakra is so last year.
Really?.
Well, last century.
You're not still having your chakra aligned, are you? Well This is going to take longer than I thought.
Um I'd like to start with a reading first.
I was hoping you might.
I see you surrounded by beauty, but yet there's somethingdark.
There's something that's preventing you from fulfilling your full potential.
Yes, I've often felt that.
It's a tenseness Oh? .
.
surrounding money.
You must fight this, it's holding you back.
You must let go Oh! What? There's a door.
A door? Oh, no, no, no, you're too cautious, you don't want to go through.
No, no, no.
I will go through it.
Open the door.
No! Yes.
I'm loving the door, let me in.
Could you? Yes, yes, I could.
Right, I'll try and look inside the door.
SHE GASPS What? What is it? What's in there? Oh Recognition.
There's people applauding, there's light bulbs flashing, and acclaim.
Where? There's a man with a key A key to the door? Perhaps.
He's in a faraway land and everybody's smiling, except for him.
Can you see who it is? No, but he's very troubled.
It's fading though, the door is closing.
Open the door, put your foot in it! No, it's, it's, it's gone Oh.
Oh.
But was it definitely a door of opportunity? Oh, no doubt.
No doubt.
And before the door closed What? Ooh I saw you on the outside, trying to get in.
Crying.
And And? Milk.
Milk?! Yes, it's a metaphor.
For missed opportunities.
You know, there's no use crying Crying over spilt milk? Yes, exactly.
I really appreciate it, lads.
You know? Helping our Kacey and that.
Anything I can do in return, all you got to do is ask.
Large one? Is there any other kind? How did it go? She's so terrified of missing an opportunity, she's probably doing the lottery as we speak.
Perfect.
We're meeting her in 20 minutes, we'll tell her the sob story.
Well, you'd better get moving.
What do you fancy? Uncle? Cousin? I think younger brother, it's closer to home.
What? Nothing.
It's an absolute disaster Is Humphrey all right? No, I know Yeah, family crisis.
Oh, dear.
He's got this moron for a younger brother, causes him nothing but trouble.
Everything's all right though, isn't it? For Fashion Week, I mean.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's hope so.
Hope so? Humps was hoping to put up most of the money himself, but now he's got this bloody problem with Piers.
His younger brother? Exactement.
The problem is, Piers was always the grandmother's favourite, so when the old witch died, she signed over most of the estate to him.
I think it was, er, 40-odd million, to be precise.
Gosh! I know.
But he's a bloody idiot.
And Humps, poor old Humps, has to spend most of his time digging him out of trouble.
I'm terribly sorry.
Er Sorry, Wendy.
No problem.
You're looking very lovely today.
Oh! It's about the right time.
Terribly sorry, I have to take this.
Excuse me.
.
.
Hello? Yes? Oh, Richard, yes What exactly is this family crisis? Well Piers has only gone and got himself arrested in Thailand.
Yeah, weed in the rucksack, apparently.
Heavens! Yeah, it's called the Land of Smiles, but not where drugs are concerned, I can tell you.
The Land of Smiles! Excuse me? Oh, no, nothing, sorry.
Please go on.
Well, luckily enough, the American Ambassador is a close personal friend.
So, Humps is hoping he can pull a few strings.
Do you think he can? I don't know, it's all very complicated.
But if he CAN swing it, I've told Humps he should use it to kill two birds with one stone.
How? Well, baby brother still controls most of the family's estate, so he has to countersign all the cheques we need for the launch.
Oh, bugger! I know.
But I've said that in exchange for springing him, he should get the brother to sign the estate over to him.
And do you think he might? Well, if the alternative is 25 years in a Bangkok prison, I would.
I see.
Then we can finally concentrate on our partnership.
We've got some very big plans.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
We're going to go retail.
Keeping it hot, though - New York, Paris, London.
How exciting! Ahem I'd love to be part of those plans.
I like that.
A woman who can see a window of opportunity.
Or a door.
Or a door.
Draw up a contract for the little tart from Liverpool.
Two weeks, possibly three, at £200 a week, and a long-term deal giving us 50% of all future earnings.
Expenses? Oh, I think £10 a day for food is plenty for deep-fried Mars bars.
Call her in to sign it when it's done.
And try to get her away from that clingy uncle.
Thank you! We on? Oh, yes! Let's move onto the next stage then.
Would you like to come through, Mr Parker? Susan Carter? Yes? Would you come with us, please? What's this all about? I understand your anxiety, truly I do, and I will try to answer your question as soon as I possibly can, but before I can do that, I need to ask you something, and I need you to think carefully before you answer.
It may well be the most important question you've ever been asked.
OK.
Susan How much do you love your country? Hilary King on line one for you.
Hilary! Babe, Humps has this meeting with the ambassador, I said we'd go along for moral support.
Absolutely.
Ahem Good of you to come, Hils.
And you, Wendy.
I'm afraid it's all for nothing.
I've just spoken to George.
The Thai judiciary is corrupt and the judge who needs to sign the release form is one of the worst.
He wants 10 million baht to cooperate.
You can't be serious? I'm sorry, old boy.
Apparently, he won't move.
Seems it's the going rate.
But with Piers out of the picture, I can't access the estate fund.
So Milan? Sorry.
TENNIS BALLS PING FAINTLY What if I put up the money to get him out? You? Yeah, if it's the only way to save the launch.
Marvellous.
I'll pay you back double.
No arguments, or the deal's off.
You're very generous.
George flies to Bangkok in three hours, he plans to take the cash in his diplomatic bag.
All being well, he can get Piers on the return flight.
Wait, wait! Cash? Problem? I don't know if I can access that amount of cash in a couple of hours.
Oh, damn! You know, that never even crossed my mind.
Um Can I ask, how much is 10 million baht in sterling? Erm, at today's rate, about 200,000.
I've got about half that amount in a current account I can get to.
He won't take anything less than 10 million.
What about a cheque to cover the remainder? No good.
It seems we'll miss our opportunity.
I'll call George, see if we can delay things.
And if we can't? I'll call Milan.
Damn! With Piers out of the picture, we can still finance our plans to go retail, right? Such a shame to have the bloody door slammed in your face! Flipping cash holding us back.
CHEERING GETS LOUDER All that acclaim just waiting there! Oh! I am so clumsy! No good crying over spilt milk, old boy.
Wait! I'll put up the rest of the money to have Piers released.
Wendy, no.
No, I insist.
That is very generous of you.
And I'll pay you back double, and no arguments.
Great! Well, I can walk to my bank from here, and I'll have Anthony drop you wherever you need to be.
Bloody grateful, both! Oh, no problem.
Seeing as we're going to be partners Hugs! Kisses.
Kisses.
MUSIC: BBC Wimbledon Theme Tune Beer? Don't mind if I do.
Got it.
Here's my half.
There's 100,000 here.
And you'll have 200 back.
Well, if you're sure about that I've spoken to George, he said we were to go straight in.
OK.
Good afternoon, sir.
How can I help you? I understand it's going to rain this afternoon at 2pm.
Yes though they did say it should clear up by five.
Room 605, sixth floor.
These are the names of the guests.
They'll ask for a Mr Powell.
And God bless America.
I'll just go get us signed in, yeah? Susan.
The man has just gone through, just like you said.
Room 605.
Good.
Now, give me three passes.
You're doing a fine job, Susan, a fine job.
But I need you to stay strong for the next 30 minutes and it'll all be over, OK? Here we are.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come.
George.
Oh, Humphrey! Well, I'd just about given up on you.
Last-minute hitch, all fine now.
You, um, you know Hilary? Ah, yes.
And this is a very dear friend of mine - Wendy.
Great pleasure to meet you, Wendy.
Please Um, Wendy knows the score.
She's here for moral support.
I've just been talking to my counterpart in Bangkok.
Piers is well, but he's very anxious to come home.
Oh, poor little sod.
Well, it's his own doing.
Has anyone spoken to him about the estate? Yes, and he's agreeable.
Are you sure? I talked to him at length on the telephone and he said he'd be willing to sign the papers before he was released.
See, Humps, eh, didn't I tell you? Yes, but it still doesn't feel right.
With all due respect, your grandmother wasn't the full ticket.
Think of it as saving him from himself.
If you hold the purse strings, you have more of a chance of keeping him in check.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, do you really think so? Yes, I do.
Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.
HE THUMPS THE TABLE All right.
Let's do it.
At last! Where would a chap be without friends? I'll have Piers on the first plane home.
Thank you.
I've got about two-and-a-half hours before my plane leaves, so I'd better get a move on.
Yes, of course, and thanks again, George.
I'll call you as soon as it's done.
Great pleasure to have met you, Wendy.
So is Milan back on? Oh, abso-bloody-lutely! Oh, fantastic! Listen, I ought to see George off at the airport.
It's the least I can do.
Good idea.
I'll have Anthony drive us.
I'll just walk Wendy to the lift.
Oh, I thought we might celebrate.
Damn good idea.
Dinner, my place, tomorrow Look forward to it.
Excellent.
You must remind me to pay the first instalment on that new girl.
Well, if you're sure? I always find it's best to stay on top of these things, don't you? Yes, I do.
All set? All set.
We're here to see Mr Powell.
Clara.
Let's all write down our favourite.
So, Harry, tell me more about this investment thingy you've been so cagey about.
Well, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
How do I look? Well, as the family lawyer, it's my duty to inform you that bribing a Thai government official to secure the release of a foreign national is a criminal offence.
Yes, absolutely.
But for a 300% return on a five-day investment, I would quite frankly sell my own grandmother.
Ah, yes.
Come right in, he's expecting you.
Simon! Always a pleasure to see you.
This is Jeremy Garrett.
Please take a seat.
So, we have a stray brother in Thailand.
Right, well, here's my hundred thou.
Thank you.
I had a conversation with my counterpart in Bangkok earlier today.
Piers is well, but he's obviously anxious to get home.
Eyedrops.
Thank you.
I know he's an idiot, but he's my brother .
.
and I've contacted the Diplomatic Office of America, but they say the Thai government's so corrupt that it's impossible.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm sure we can sort something out for you, my dear.
Well, there you are then.
Thank you.
With all due respect, your grandmother wasn't the full ticket.
Viscount Manley, good to see you.
So, come on then, Frank, I know you financial types like to play your cards close to your chest, but have you got a steer for my hundred thou, or not? Well, we'll see, we'll see.
Double your investment.
Daddy'll poop his pants.
Posh git.
Judge Mead.
Jeremy Garrett.
Looks like you've got the casting vote.
Ahem There is another choice.
In 1927, Gentleman James Grainger conned three marks simultaneously using the Spanish Prisoner scam.
It has never been done before or since.
Con them all at the same time? Nah.
It's impossible.
Oh-oh.
You said the impossible word.
ALL: Taxi! Good job, Susan.
We're all done.
Say, where do your parents live? Minnesota.
Then you call them and tell them that because of their daughter's vigilance, they can sleep safely in their beds this evening.
God bless America.
LAUGHTER You mad bastard! I saw it and I still can't believe we pulled it off.
Four marks with a single con.
It ain't possible.
It's flamin' genius! One more than Gentleman James Grainger.
Now, that was a ride.
Yeah, for you maybe, but it nearly did my head in.
Can we go back to one at a time now? Absolutely.
What about the loose ends? They're all taken care of.
Girls.
Wendy? Yes, sweetie? Ithink we have a problem.
No problems, sweetie.
Only doors of opportunity to find a solution.
Er, it's Kacey Bond.
What about her? She turned down the contract.
What?! It seems that Betty Greenacre has signed her up first.
Are you OK? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry She was such a beautiful dog.
I'm so sorry.
That's OK.
Nick.
Nick Parker.
Betty Greenacre.
What makes it worse is that her ex-partner, Betty Greenacre, has just got a contract to supply models to Milan Fashion Week.
A pleasure to meet you, Betty.
Let me get you a drink.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'd love to, but I must get back.
The office has a habit of falling into chaos when I'm not there.
What do you do? Well, I'll tell you, but, um but only if you can keep a secret.
How intriguing.
You have my word.
Industrial espionage.
I I spy on rival companies for my clients.
Really? Would you like to come through, Mr Parker? Nick, darling! Hi.
How are you? 'Well, ahem Her name is Kacey Bond, she's from Liverpool' I've been cultivating her for quite some time.
'The moment I saw her, I knew she was destined for great things.
' THEY CHEER Look what I've found.
The eighth Wonder of the World.
ALL: Whoa! Give me a glass, thanks.
Oh, yes.
Come on then.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
I can't imagine how they'll all feel when we call them later and tell them that the Ambassador was arrested for trying to bribe a Thai official.
Ha-ha! What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall.
LAUGHTER Shall we join the others? Yes, sweetie.
Let's.
Hugs, darling.
Kisses.
£500 a week doing some calendar.
In the Canary Islands! Blimey, I'm in the wrong job.
And Betty is so lovely.
This is so brilliant, guys.
I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, we'll think of something.
Yeah, I'm sure! Come on, Let's give your mum a call, eh? Give her the good news.
See you later.
Bye, Kacey.
Ah Eddie's happy, Kacey's dreams are intact, and we've made a profit in the process.
I'd say that's about as good as it gets.
Hang on I think it just got a bit better.
Oh, not again! Sean Ahem Thank you.
What's with the hankie? You don't want to know.
Well, he is consistent.
You have to give him that.
Yeah.
Consistently annoying.
Are you OK? Oh, I'm fine, I just I've a funny feeling I'm about to become his PA again.
Speaking as his personal trainer, it looks like he's about to have a work-out, so I might as well have a drink.
Cheers, loves! Cheers, darlings! Watch out.
I love the dress.
Stop it! The colour matches your eyes.
The United Kingdom is in pretty poor shape.
.
.
Duncan.
The deficit forecast for the end of 2011 stands somewhere in the region of £180 billion.
It's pretty clear now that neither growth nor austerity cuts in public services will alleviate the problem.
Without getting rid of some hefty assets, we may well have another Greece on our hands.
And on behalf of her Majesty's government, I can say that we cannot allow that to happen.
David and Nick are fully behind the project.
As soon as details of the assets are released, they will only be available to registered bidders.
Only a select group of investors are taking part.
In order to become one of the companies registered to bid, you must leave a bond of £200,000 today.
Though, of course, that will be deducted from the price of any subsequent assets you acquire.
Once you've registered your interest by way of a bond, we can move on and visit some of the properties for sale on the list.
Do you know, there's a bloke here, he backed eleven horses over five races, bet three quid, walked away with 68 grand.
Huh! Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
Do you have any sweeteners? Yeah.
In the draw.
Thanks.
And you are? Sorry.
I'm Grace.
Oh, You must be Sean's team! He's told me so much about you.
Now, wait, let me guess.
Umyou have to be Emma, his secretary.
And Albert, financial advisor.
Michael, PA.
And Ashley, his personal trainer.
He told me he couldn't cope without you.
Did he now? It must be awesome working for such a great guy! Oh, yes, we're thrilled.
It's such a shame thoughabout his you know? His? Condition.
He's such a brave little soldier.
Hmm.
Erm, I don't suppose I could? Yeah.
Of course.
Thanks.
So you told that poor girl you had six months to live just to get her into bed? No.
I said that was the worst-case scenario, if the ground-breaking new drug therapy didn't work.
What is it you're supposed to have exactly? I was non-specific.
However, you were very specific about me being your personal assistant.
And me being your secretary.
It does seem a little over-elaborate.
I had to explain why I was living with four other people.
It's not like we're the flaming Beatles.
Well, I hope she was worth it.
What, Grace? She was amazing.
It's not likely to be a long-term relationship then? Why not? Well, telling her you've only got six months to live, for a start.
The drug therapy could work.
Wonderful things happening.
New drugs are coming through all the time.
Yeah, that's true.
Are we really discussing the merits of a drug therapy that doesn't exist and whether or not it can cure an illness he hasn't got? So you've never told a white lie to get a bit of action? No! All right, what about that geezer with the boat? You said you were a nurse.
He wanted to know what I did for a living.
I could hardly tell him I was a con artist! So you made something up.
To cover my tracks, not to sleep with him.
But you did anyway! Actually, I didn't.
Ha! I didn't.
Cor blimey, must be something in the air! Oh, that is just wrong! All right, gang? This is Kacey All right? Hiya.
.
.
my niece.
ALL: Oh! Hiya.
She's come to stay with her Uncle Eddie for a few days, haven't you, sweetheart? Yeah.
(She's got a very important meeting.
) You go and get yourself ready.
I'll bring the car round, all right? Sean, are you checking my niece out? No.
You were.
You'll have to excuse him, his hormones are playing up.
Well, hands off, OK? I'm responsible for her while she's down here.
Don't worry, we'll keep him in check.
I've got to take Kacey to that meeting, so I was going to close up, but if you're staying, you can watch the place for me.
I'll only be gone half-an-hour.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Nice one.
Just leave the money for your drinks and stuff behind the bar somewhere, OK? Yeah.
Yeah.
Behind the bar.
OK.
I bet Eddie's a great uncle.
Right.
Down to business.
Who's our next mark, Albert? Er We have the Right Honourable Jeremy Garrett MP.
'Just promoted to the Treasury' Clara.
'.
.
and already looking to 'line his own pockets.
' We should put a tax on chips, ketchup andlager.
That way, we'd recoup most of the benefits we pay to the layabouts, and anything else, we could claw back with organ donation.
Well, he gets my vote.
We also have the High Court Judge, Stanley Mead.
'An upstanding gentleman, who sits on the Committee for Public Decency.
' LAUGHTER Yes, Albert.
I'm, er, deep in a completed case at the moment.
THEY LAUGH Cheers, darlings! Oh, Judgey! Ooh! Your Honour! Ooh! He specialises in fraud cases.
Once quoted as saying, "all con men should be hung, drawn and quartered.
" Well, he just jumped to the top of the list.
Anyone else? Yes.
I've been cultivating a relationship with Viscount Manley.
His father's just given him £100,000 to invest in a share portfolio.
'What can I tell you about this fine young product of the aristocracy?' HE LAUGHS So, how is the minimum wage these days?! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I dare say we've spent your month's salary on our bloody starter! 'Ladies and gentlemen, the choice is yours.
' Nah, it has to be his Lordship.
Oh, no, it's the MP for me.
The MP How can it possibly be the MP? THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER I don't know, what about the Judge? What about the Judge? Let's take a vote! Oi! Let's all write down our favourite.
I'm going to abstain.
I can't choose between them.
Kace? Kacey? What's the matter, love? Kace! I just want to be on my own! I feel so stupid! Oh, come on, Kace! DOOR SLAMS They told her she had a modelling job, that's why she's down here.
Only it was a flamin' con.
No! She had £900 her nan left her.
The robbing bastards have had it all.
Every penny.
Scandalous.
It's not the money, like.
I can give her that back.
But they've broken her heart, you know? She was so excited.
The whole family's sitting by the phone waiting to hear how she got on.
Poor thing.
I hate people like that.
Yeah, preying on pretty girls.
Hey, that's it.
You lot could get them for me.
Get them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, do your stitchy-up con thingy.
Yeah, well, we'd love to, Ed, but we've got a lot on at the moment.
Bit of a backlog.
Sorry, mate, I shouldn't have asked.
On the other hand, he is a mate.
Yeah, that's true.
Really? Of course we'll help you, Eddie.
Ah, guys.
I know you take the mick sometimes, you know? All the banter and that, but you're proper friends, you know? And And you don't have to worry about paying us.
Although if we do help you out, you might feel bad about charging us for drinks.
EDDIE LAUGHS Well, fellas, it looks like Eddie's made the choice for us.
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS Oh, it's Grace.
Just wishing me luck at the hospital.
I don't know how you sleep at night.
Like a baby.
Well, she was a looker.
You were definitely punching above your weight.
She was, wasn't she? How did you pull her in the first place? I saw her alone at a bar and I, er, gave her the Sean Special.
The Sean Special? Yeah, I pulled my hankie out.
You what? I learnt this years ago.
There's one thing that no woman can resist.
Which is? A bloke crying.
It brings out their maternal instincts.
Oh, leave it out! I promise you, it never fails.
You should try it some time.
OK, ready when you are Wendy Stanton.
CEO of Model Devotion.
Hardly Vogue material, is she? More Horse and Hound.
Alice Foster? Too fat.
She's only a size six.
Exactly.
Tell her to come back when she's got an eating disorder.
Oh, and no calls for an hour.
I'm having crystals.
She sounds like a real sweetheart(!) She's a failed model who's now trying to break into the high-end fashion market as an agency, but has never made it.
Most of her work is low-end catalogue stuff and it drives her mental.
What makes it worse is that her ex-partner, Betty Greenacre, has just got a contract to supply models for Milan Fashion Week.
So that's our way in.
We offer her the thing she wants most.
A shot at the big time.
How did she con Eddie's niece? She puts ads in most of the regional press looking for young girls who want to be models.
Once she gets them in, she tells them they'll need a portfolio.
300 quid for a head shot, another four for full-body shots, plus extra for admin costs and inclusion in her directory.
Of course, she tells them they'll recoup every penny on their first job.
Which never comes.
Exactly.
Now, I'd say she scams about 100 girls like Kacey every year.
At a grand each?! That's a lot of dough! Better still, she says she can save them VAT if they pay in cash, and none of it shows up in her filed accounts.
So she's stashing it? Something tells me she's not giving it to charity.
That's the other thing about her.
She is as tight as a duck's backside.
Hates parting with money.
Not the greatest character trait in a mark.
We'llwork around it.
What about the other marks? I'll keep them warm.
Good.
Then let's get to it.
Are you OK? Good afternoon.
I'd like to make an appointment to see Miss Stanton, it's for Mr Hilary King.
Ahem I'm being manipulated! I'm sorry, but there's a call.
They're very insistent.
Who? He said he works withHilary King? Never heard of him.
He's a designer.
Apparently, he's featured in here.
Page 64.
Hello.
Wendy Stanton.
And you've checked the amount? Yeah.
OK.
And it's been 30 days? 60.
Er, Hilary King is here.
Show him in.
Ahem SHE GIGGLES Hilary! Welcome to Model Devotion.
The pleasure is all mine, sweets.
I thought we'd sit in the soft area.
Perfect.
This is my assistant, Anthony.
I hope you don't mind if Helena sits in? She's my lifestyle coach.
Of course, babe.
Of course.
Didn't I read somewhere that you're launching a new range in Milan? Yeah, I am, yeah.
That's exactly why I'm here.
Oh? I need to find a special kind of girl for the launch.
How exciting! My vision is to use London as a theme.
A twist on Cool Britannia.
It's going to be called UKChic.
Inspired! But I need to find someone new to be the face of UKChic.
The days of the stick insect are, like, done, you get me? I want to find someone who looks real.
Pretty, yeah, but someone who looks like they know what a chip is.
Got to be earthy, fun, in your face.
Someone that says, "I'm here, this is me, so deal with.
" This could be mega.
Bigger than mega, babe.
Mega-mega.
I'm loving the vision.
So how can I help? We've tried all the larger agencies, but all we've been shown is the usual array of rib cages.
So let's see what you've got.
OMG! Wow! That's, that's her! Are you sure? No doubt, look at her eyes! That's the one.
OK Leave it to me.
Erm, I'll call Kacey right away.
I'll wait.
Oh, you have a six o'clock with Ms Greenacre.
But you can cancel that now, surely, now that we've found the girl? Yeah, kill it.
Don't forget dinner with Miss McCartney.
Oh Can't cancel Stella again, she'll be livid.
Oh, God, it's sooh! Er, um, um, um, um, um, um, um All right, I'll leave it with you, but I must have her! Consider it done.
I'm so excited! Me too! Brimming over! This is mega! Oh, mega-mega.
You'll call the moment she's confirmed? The very second.
All right.
Got to jet.
Excellent.
Hugs.
Kisses! Hold that.
Ahem SHE DIALS NUMBER Ahem IN LIVERPOOL ACCENT: Hello? Hello, is that Kacey Bond? Wendy Stanton, from Model Devotion.
Oh, hiya! Can you pop in today? Today, no, sorry.
I'm on a train back to Liverpool, it's me nan's birthday.
How about tomorrow? Tomorrow? No, I can't, cos I've got to ask me mum, cos I'm due back at college.
Can you let me know? Yeah.
OK, bye.
How did it go? Yeah, on schedule.
What about this end? Eleven calls in the last half hour.
Good, good.
I wonder how Ash is getting on.
Nice and classy, guys.
It's a studio, not a knocking shop.
PHONE RINGS Martha Yeah, look, I need someone who knows their way around a camera, a couple of kids and two or three birds, have to be lookers.
If they've done a bit of catwalk, all the better POWER TOOLS ROAR Oi! I'm talking here! .
.
Yeah, two brunettes, one blonde, legs up to their neck.
Lovely All right, yeah.
Ta-da.
PHONE RINGS Guess who? She should be desperate enough by now.
Make an appointment for 10.
30 tomorrow morning.
Hello? Oh, yeah, hiya.
Me mum said she can watch the baby and Uncle Eddie can bring me down tomorrow, if you still want to see me? Er, yeah, OK.
Is 10.
30 all right? .
.
Yeah.
Me too.
Bye.
How was she? A bit gushy.
Great.
Sean, call Eddie, brief him.
Studio's up and running, but I've only got the keys until six tomorrow night.
OK.
6pm, that will have to do.
I don't care if she's a haemophiliac, either she has her tits done or she doesn't get the job.
And what about Sadie? Has she had her bikini line waxed? I can't imagine what the client thought.
They must have half expected to find David Attenborough down there No, darling, I've got a meeting in five minutes.
Look, sweeten the pill, but they need to know their daughter's a pig, and unless we can find a client looking for someone with bad skin and a face that looks like it's been hit by a shovel, she'd be better off getting a job in a fast-food outlet.
.
.
What? Kacey Bond is here to see you.
All right.
Bye.
.
.
Show her in.
SHE GIGGLES Kacey, darling! Thrilled! Sorry we couldn't get here any sooner, like, it's Kacey's nan Don't worry, sweetie.
Now, I have some very exciting news.
I have a client who's about to launch at Milan Fashion Week.
Milan?! It took a lot of persuading on my part, but I think I've finally won him round and he's thinking of using YOU! Isn't that marvellous? Sounds fantastic, doesn't it, Kace? Now, the money's not great, but it'll be a real chance to make your mark, get your first step on the ladder.
I can't believe it! I'm really made up.
It's so exciting! She's always been a looker, always.
She has! Has she? No, she's gorgeous! How do I look? Cheap.
Is that good or bad? Good! Great.
Eyedrops! Oh! Thank you.
How do I look? Expensive.
Is that good or bad? Perfect.
Briefcase! Ooh, it's like having kids.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Yeah? OK, ta.
Eddie's out.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS Yeah, me, speak Wend, hello! Oh, that is wonderful news, yeah.
Listen, I'm having lunch later with one of the investors for Milan and I wondered if you'd like to come over and meet him? He's an old friend, knows nothing about fashion, but he was very excited about our new girl! All right, yeah, good.
I'll have Anthony call you and give you the details Yeah, babe.
All right, all right.
Hugs! Bye! What a frightful woman.
# Who's that girl all alone on the dancefloor? Who's that girl? # Will she get what she came for? Who's that, who's that # Who's that, who's that girl? # Who's she taking home tonight? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Who's that, who's that? # Who's that? # Wendy! Mwah, mwah.
Hello, babe Ooh, this is Humphrey, the friend I was telling you about.
Humps, please.
Bloody good to meet you.
Hilary tells me you're in business together.
Well, yes.
I don't understand it myself, don't pretend that I do, all this prancing around But Hilary's a good egg, so live and let live, eh? Absolutely! Are these your new designs? LOL! No, my designs are under lock and key, this is just some promotional material for Milan.
And when can I see your designs? When we have our face of UKChic to model them.
I spoke to her this morning.
And? She's on board.
That is sick! This is that girl I was telling you about.
Bloody marvellous! Can't wait to see her.
She took some persuading, she's got a lot of offers on the table.
I don't doubt it.
And we may need to discuss her fee again, she, er, doesn't come cheap.
Steady, Hils, she's moving in for the kill! I'm sure we can come to some sort of arrangement.
Let's have a sit down and a nice chat, eh? .
.
Anthony, come and take some notes for the press release, love! Have a seat there, Wend.
Right Tell me about our girl.
Well, her name is Kacey Bond, she's from Liverpool.
I've been cultivating her for quite some time.
The moment I saw her, I knew she was destined for great things.
That's very clever of you.
Well, fortunately, I have a gift for this kind of thing.
Now, she's working class, but with a little help, that shouldn't be a problem.
Kacey is the jewel in my crown, which is why I said she, er, she won't come cheap.
Oh, dear, Hils, she's off again.
As Kacey's manager, I need to keep her interests close to my heart.
All right, all right, I was thinking, ooh10,000 a week? Pounds? Naturally! Well She's playing us, old boy.
Oh, Wendy, all right, all right, 12.
But that's my limit.
£12,000 a week? Do we have a deal? Oh! You drive a hard bargain! Hurrah! Fantastic! Oh, that's great.
We'll get Kacey over for fittings next week and then, Milan, here we come! I'll have Anthony go over the details with you.
Perfect.
Will you be investing, Wendy? Excuse me? Well, you know, it's a great opportunity.
Yes.
Erhave your name associated with the brand.
Erm Well, yes, er That is very It's a very, very good idea, Humps, yes.
Just a big toe, really, say, erm Well, er Um Oh! Is that the time?! Damn it, I'm going to be late for my next appointment, sorry.
Very, very, very interesting LOUD CLATTER Ha-ha! Yes, we must, um I'll give it a lot of thought.
I'll call.
I'll call Hugs! Kisses! Game over.
Well, that went well.
We'll have to loosen her up a bit.
How? That woman in her office.
The one with the candles and incense.
The lifestyle coach? How's that going to help? She's superstitious, so we'll give her a nudge from the other side.
At some point, we'll have to arrange flights for you to join Mr King in Milan for Fashion Week.
First class, of course.
And let us know if you have any preference on what hotel you'd like to stay in.
Well, I'll have my people talk to your people.
F-A-B.
I thought Hilary might be here.
No, he has a reading this afternoon.
Oh? Mm, his psychic life coach.
Apparently, she's amazing.
He never makes a move without consulting her first.
A psychic life coach? Mm.
In the fashion world, anyone who is anyone uses her.
I mean, Donatella swears by her.
THE Donatella? Is there another one? Er, this lady, does she ever take on any new clients? Oh, no.
Although I'm sure if you mentioned Mr King's name Ciao.
Hilary speaks very highly of you.
I understand he won't make a move without consulting you first.
I do what I can.
I think you're being modest.
You have an excellent aura.
Do I? Mm.
It's beautiful.
Give me your hands.
Hmm.
Is it my chakra? Oh, heavens, no, chakra is so last year.
Really?.
Well, last century.
You're not still having your chakra aligned, are you? Well This is going to take longer than I thought.
Um I'd like to start with a reading first.
I was hoping you might.
I see you surrounded by beauty, but yet there's somethingdark.
There's something that's preventing you from fulfilling your full potential.
Yes, I've often felt that.
It's a tenseness Oh? .
.
surrounding money.
You must fight this, it's holding you back.
You must let go Oh! What? There's a door.
A door? Oh, no, no, no, you're too cautious, you don't want to go through.
No, no, no.
I will go through it.
Open the door.
No! Yes.
I'm loving the door, let me in.
Could you? Yes, yes, I could.
Right, I'll try and look inside the door.
SHE GASPS What? What is it? What's in there? Oh Recognition.
There's people applauding, there's light bulbs flashing, and acclaim.
Where? There's a man with a key A key to the door? Perhaps.
He's in a faraway land and everybody's smiling, except for him.
Can you see who it is? No, but he's very troubled.
It's fading though, the door is closing.
Open the door, put your foot in it! No, it's, it's, it's gone Oh.
Oh.
But was it definitely a door of opportunity? Oh, no doubt.
No doubt.
And before the door closed What? Ooh I saw you on the outside, trying to get in.
Crying.
And And? Milk.
Milk?! Yes, it's a metaphor.
For missed opportunities.
You know, there's no use crying Crying over spilt milk? Yes, exactly.
I really appreciate it, lads.
You know? Helping our Kacey and that.
Anything I can do in return, all you got to do is ask.
Large one? Is there any other kind? How did it go? She's so terrified of missing an opportunity, she's probably doing the lottery as we speak.
Perfect.
We're meeting her in 20 minutes, we'll tell her the sob story.
Well, you'd better get moving.
What do you fancy? Uncle? Cousin? I think younger brother, it's closer to home.
What? Nothing.
It's an absolute disaster Is Humphrey all right? No, I know Yeah, family crisis.
Oh, dear.
He's got this moron for a younger brother, causes him nothing but trouble.
Everything's all right though, isn't it? For Fashion Week, I mean.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's hope so.
Hope so? Humps was hoping to put up most of the money himself, but now he's got this bloody problem with Piers.
His younger brother? Exactement.
The problem is, Piers was always the grandmother's favourite, so when the old witch died, she signed over most of the estate to him.
I think it was, er, 40-odd million, to be precise.
Gosh! I know.
But he's a bloody idiot.
And Humps, poor old Humps, has to spend most of his time digging him out of trouble.
I'm terribly sorry.
Er Sorry, Wendy.
No problem.
You're looking very lovely today.
Oh! It's about the right time.
Terribly sorry, I have to take this.
Excuse me.
.
.
Hello? Yes? Oh, Richard, yes What exactly is this family crisis? Well Piers has only gone and got himself arrested in Thailand.
Yeah, weed in the rucksack, apparently.
Heavens! Yeah, it's called the Land of Smiles, but not where drugs are concerned, I can tell you.
The Land of Smiles! Excuse me? Oh, no, nothing, sorry.
Please go on.
Well, luckily enough, the American Ambassador is a close personal friend.
So, Humps is hoping he can pull a few strings.
Do you think he can? I don't know, it's all very complicated.
But if he CAN swing it, I've told Humps he should use it to kill two birds with one stone.
How? Well, baby brother still controls most of the family's estate, so he has to countersign all the cheques we need for the launch.
Oh, bugger! I know.
But I've said that in exchange for springing him, he should get the brother to sign the estate over to him.
And do you think he might? Well, if the alternative is 25 years in a Bangkok prison, I would.
I see.
Then we can finally concentrate on our partnership.
We've got some very big plans.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
We're going to go retail.
Keeping it hot, though - New York, Paris, London.
How exciting! Ahem I'd love to be part of those plans.
I like that.
A woman who can see a window of opportunity.
Or a door.
Or a door.
Draw up a contract for the little tart from Liverpool.
Two weeks, possibly three, at £200 a week, and a long-term deal giving us 50% of all future earnings.
Expenses? Oh, I think £10 a day for food is plenty for deep-fried Mars bars.
Call her in to sign it when it's done.
And try to get her away from that clingy uncle.
Thank you! We on? Oh, yes! Let's move onto the next stage then.
Would you like to come through, Mr Parker? Susan Carter? Yes? Would you come with us, please? What's this all about? I understand your anxiety, truly I do, and I will try to answer your question as soon as I possibly can, but before I can do that, I need to ask you something, and I need you to think carefully before you answer.
It may well be the most important question you've ever been asked.
OK.
Susan How much do you love your country? Hilary King on line one for you.
Hilary! Babe, Humps has this meeting with the ambassador, I said we'd go along for moral support.
Absolutely.
Ahem Good of you to come, Hils.
And you, Wendy.
I'm afraid it's all for nothing.
I've just spoken to George.
The Thai judiciary is corrupt and the judge who needs to sign the release form is one of the worst.
He wants 10 million baht to cooperate.
You can't be serious? I'm sorry, old boy.
Apparently, he won't move.
Seems it's the going rate.
But with Piers out of the picture, I can't access the estate fund.
So Milan? Sorry.
TENNIS BALLS PING FAINTLY What if I put up the money to get him out? You? Yeah, if it's the only way to save the launch.
Marvellous.
I'll pay you back double.
No arguments, or the deal's off.
You're very generous.
George flies to Bangkok in three hours, he plans to take the cash in his diplomatic bag.
All being well, he can get Piers on the return flight.
Wait, wait! Cash? Problem? I don't know if I can access that amount of cash in a couple of hours.
Oh, damn! You know, that never even crossed my mind.
Um Can I ask, how much is 10 million baht in sterling? Erm, at today's rate, about 200,000.
I've got about half that amount in a current account I can get to.
He won't take anything less than 10 million.
What about a cheque to cover the remainder? No good.
It seems we'll miss our opportunity.
I'll call George, see if we can delay things.
And if we can't? I'll call Milan.
Damn! With Piers out of the picture, we can still finance our plans to go retail, right? Such a shame to have the bloody door slammed in your face! Flipping cash holding us back.
CHEERING GETS LOUDER All that acclaim just waiting there! Oh! I am so clumsy! No good crying over spilt milk, old boy.
Wait! I'll put up the rest of the money to have Piers released.
Wendy, no.
No, I insist.
That is very generous of you.
And I'll pay you back double, and no arguments.
Great! Well, I can walk to my bank from here, and I'll have Anthony drop you wherever you need to be.
Bloody grateful, both! Oh, no problem.
Seeing as we're going to be partners Hugs! Kisses.
Kisses.
MUSIC: BBC Wimbledon Theme Tune Beer? Don't mind if I do.
Got it.
Here's my half.
There's 100,000 here.
And you'll have 200 back.
Well, if you're sure about that I've spoken to George, he said we were to go straight in.
OK.
Good afternoon, sir.
How can I help you? I understand it's going to rain this afternoon at 2pm.
Yes though they did say it should clear up by five.
Room 605, sixth floor.
These are the names of the guests.
They'll ask for a Mr Powell.
And God bless America.
I'll just go get us signed in, yeah? Susan.
The man has just gone through, just like you said.
Room 605.
Good.
Now, give me three passes.
You're doing a fine job, Susan, a fine job.
But I need you to stay strong for the next 30 minutes and it'll all be over, OK? Here we are.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come.
George.
Oh, Humphrey! Well, I'd just about given up on you.
Last-minute hitch, all fine now.
You, um, you know Hilary? Ah, yes.
And this is a very dear friend of mine - Wendy.
Great pleasure to meet you, Wendy.
Please Um, Wendy knows the score.
She's here for moral support.
I've just been talking to my counterpart in Bangkok.
Piers is well, but he's very anxious to come home.
Oh, poor little sod.
Well, it's his own doing.
Has anyone spoken to him about the estate? Yes, and he's agreeable.
Are you sure? I talked to him at length on the telephone and he said he'd be willing to sign the papers before he was released.
See, Humps, eh, didn't I tell you? Yes, but it still doesn't feel right.
With all due respect, your grandmother wasn't the full ticket.
Think of it as saving him from himself.
If you hold the purse strings, you have more of a chance of keeping him in check.
I couldn't agree more.
Oh, do you really think so? Yes, I do.
Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.
HE THUMPS THE TABLE All right.
Let's do it.
At last! Where would a chap be without friends? I'll have Piers on the first plane home.
Thank you.
I've got about two-and-a-half hours before my plane leaves, so I'd better get a move on.
Yes, of course, and thanks again, George.
I'll call you as soon as it's done.
Great pleasure to have met you, Wendy.
So is Milan back on? Oh, abso-bloody-lutely! Oh, fantastic! Listen, I ought to see George off at the airport.
It's the least I can do.
Good idea.
I'll have Anthony drive us.
I'll just walk Wendy to the lift.
Oh, I thought we might celebrate.
Damn good idea.
Dinner, my place, tomorrow Look forward to it.
Excellent.
You must remind me to pay the first instalment on that new girl.
Well, if you're sure? I always find it's best to stay on top of these things, don't you? Yes, I do.
All set? All set.
We're here to see Mr Powell.
Clara.
Let's all write down our favourite.
So, Harry, tell me more about this investment thingy you've been so cagey about.
Well, there's someone I'd like you to meet.
How do I look? Well, as the family lawyer, it's my duty to inform you that bribing a Thai government official to secure the release of a foreign national is a criminal offence.
Yes, absolutely.
But for a 300% return on a five-day investment, I would quite frankly sell my own grandmother.
Ah, yes.
Come right in, he's expecting you.
Simon! Always a pleasure to see you.
This is Jeremy Garrett.
Please take a seat.
So, we have a stray brother in Thailand.
Right, well, here's my hundred thou.
Thank you.
I had a conversation with my counterpart in Bangkok earlier today.
Piers is well, but he's obviously anxious to get home.
Eyedrops.
Thank you.
I know he's an idiot, but he's my brother .
.
and I've contacted the Diplomatic Office of America, but they say the Thai government's so corrupt that it's impossible.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm sure we can sort something out for you, my dear.
Well, there you are then.
Thank you.
With all due respect, your grandmother wasn't the full ticket.
Viscount Manley, good to see you.
So, come on then, Frank, I know you financial types like to play your cards close to your chest, but have you got a steer for my hundred thou, or not? Well, we'll see, we'll see.
Double your investment.
Daddy'll poop his pants.
Posh git.
Judge Mead.
Jeremy Garrett.
Looks like you've got the casting vote.
Ahem There is another choice.
In 1927, Gentleman James Grainger conned three marks simultaneously using the Spanish Prisoner scam.
It has never been done before or since.
Con them all at the same time? Nah.
It's impossible.
Oh-oh.
You said the impossible word.
ALL: Taxi! Good job, Susan.
We're all done.
Say, where do your parents live? Minnesota.
Then you call them and tell them that because of their daughter's vigilance, they can sleep safely in their beds this evening.
God bless America.
LAUGHTER You mad bastard! I saw it and I still can't believe we pulled it off.
Four marks with a single con.
It ain't possible.
It's flamin' genius! One more than Gentleman James Grainger.
Now, that was a ride.
Yeah, for you maybe, but it nearly did my head in.
Can we go back to one at a time now? Absolutely.
What about the loose ends? They're all taken care of.
Girls.
Wendy? Yes, sweetie? Ithink we have a problem.
No problems, sweetie.
Only doors of opportunity to find a solution.
Er, it's Kacey Bond.
What about her? She turned down the contract.
What?! It seems that Betty Greenacre has signed her up first.
Are you OK? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry She was such a beautiful dog.
I'm so sorry.
That's OK.
Nick.
Nick Parker.
Betty Greenacre.
What makes it worse is that her ex-partner, Betty Greenacre, has just got a contract to supply models to Milan Fashion Week.
A pleasure to meet you, Betty.
Let me get you a drink.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'd love to, but I must get back.
The office has a habit of falling into chaos when I'm not there.
What do you do? Well, I'll tell you, but, um but only if you can keep a secret.
How intriguing.
You have my word.
Industrial espionage.
I I spy on rival companies for my clients.
Really? Would you like to come through, Mr Parker? Nick, darling! Hi.
How are you? 'Well, ahem Her name is Kacey Bond, she's from Liverpool' I've been cultivating her for quite some time.
'The moment I saw her, I knew she was destined for great things.
' THEY CHEER Look what I've found.
The eighth Wonder of the World.
ALL: Whoa! Give me a glass, thanks.
Oh, yes.
Come on then.
Cheers.
ALL: Cheers.
I can't imagine how they'll all feel when we call them later and tell them that the Ambassador was arrested for trying to bribe a Thai official.
Ha-ha! What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall.
LAUGHTER Shall we join the others? Yes, sweetie.
Let's.
Hugs, darling.
Kisses.
£500 a week doing some calendar.
In the Canary Islands! Blimey, I'm in the wrong job.
And Betty is so lovely.
This is so brilliant, guys.
I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, we'll think of something.
Yeah, I'm sure! Come on, Let's give your mum a call, eh? Give her the good news.
See you later.
Bye, Kacey.
Ah Eddie's happy, Kacey's dreams are intact, and we've made a profit in the process.
I'd say that's about as good as it gets.
Hang on I think it just got a bit better.
Oh, not again! Sean Ahem Thank you.
What's with the hankie? You don't want to know.
Well, he is consistent.
You have to give him that.
Yeah.
Consistently annoying.
Are you OK? Oh, I'm fine, I just I've a funny feeling I'm about to become his PA again.
Speaking as his personal trainer, it looks like he's about to have a work-out, so I might as well have a drink.
Cheers, loves! Cheers, darlings! Watch out.
I love the dress.
Stop it! The colour matches your eyes.