It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e01 Episode Script

Good morning, South Philadelphia Animal Shelter.
Yes, hello, I would like to apply for an adoption, please.
Hey, what are you guys talking about? We're adopting a dog-fighting pit bull.
We're gonna keep it in the bar, all right? Well, why wasn't I consulted about this? Because last time we tried to get a junkyard dog, we wound up getting a junkyard cat, and that's exactly where you're gonna go with it.
Yeah.
Because I don't want some goddamn snarling hellhound running around inside of our bar! Are you crazy? Look, we're going to rehabilitate the dog, okay? We don't want it to attack other dogs.
Now we would like for it to attack people.
If it attacks a person, great! Yeah.
And, if the dog-- or when the dog-- bites a customer, that person then can go home and have a great story for their friends.
It's a win-win for everybody.
That's true! You can go, like, "Dude, I got bit a pit bull in a bar.
" In Paddy's! It was awesome! Awesome! And if you're an intruder, you should get bit by a pit bull.
I don't understand.
See, the biggest Uh, how long do you think this process usually takes? Just a dial tone now.
She just hung up on me, for some reason.
Wait for me in the back back.
Okay, babe.
Hey, who's that? It's my new girlfriend-- Roxy.
That woman seems like a prostitute.
That's because she is.
You're dating a prostitute? Not for long.
I'm gonna make that whore my wife.
What the hell? I don't know.
Are they? Oh, no! You did not just do that.
Oh-ho-ho.
That-that broad is a live wire.
I'm goin' outside, 'cause this place is shit hole! What are you cocks lookin' at? Frank that woman is unspeakably crass.
You're gonna marry that, Frank? She's been my number-one girl for a long while now.
But she's still plowing other dudes.
In fact, Tiger Woods has been calling her lately.
No.
No, no, no.
That can't be the truth.
That's bullshit.
There is no way that Tiger Woods is interested in that woman.
Look, can't you find someone who loves you for who you are? That woman's only in it for the money! Mm-mm! Let me stop you real quick.
Someone love Frank for who he is? Come on! No! He's got a ton of good qualities.
Yes, he does! I mean, like what? Like what? Dude, the other day, we were hanging out under the bridge; we found box of denim, and I'm, like, "You know, these look like good jeans in here," and he's, like, "You want to split it with me, 50-50?" I mean, that's a nice thing to do.
I wanted you to have half of that denim.
He shared half the jeans.
Charlie! Charlie! Stop wearing clothes you find washing up under bridges.
Oh, they're boiled, yeah.
Yeah! Yeah, we boil all our denim.
- Oh, good, well, they're boiled, so - Hey! Hey, you know, there is some dirty crack whore in the alley, blowing the busboy from the restaurant down the street.
This is exactly why we need that dog.
Let's get that dog! Mac, you look bad.
Really, really bad.
What? Yeah, is that your shirt or my shirt? That's, like, way too small for you.
You look fat as shit! Okay, okay, I'm getting very concerned with the integrity of our organization here.
Mac, you have gained, I mean, 50 pounds of fat.
Mass.
Fat.
Muscle.
Let's be clear: fat.
It's fat.
Frank, you are talking about marrying hookers-- this is ridiculous! What's going on with our group? We're becoming the Gross Crew.
The Gross Crew?! The Gross Crew.
And I don't like that.
I don't want that, all right? I don't want that.
So, if we're gonna have this woman hanging around, then we gotta clean her up or something.
I tell you what-- what if we took a Pretty Woman and threw it Roxy's way.
Hey Pretty Woman? That was a bullshit movie.
People don't change like that.
People change, Frank.
Look at me.
I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.
You're not helping my argument.
Okay, yeah, and if you're gonna chime in, please don't do it with a mouthful of burrito.
This is a chimichanga.
You are becoming a chimichanga! All right, all of you-- I'm gonna give you all 24 hours to do whatever you have to do, but, tomorrow night, I am proposing to that dirty whore.
This is gonna be a little bit harder than we thought.
This woman is a real piece of shit.
Uh-huh.
Where's Frank? Don't worry about Frank, Roxy.
We're here to help you turn your life around.
See, a lot of times, the second act of someone's life can be much better than the first.
Mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, we just want to make some changes in your life, Roxy.
Perhaps get you some new clothes.
Uh-huh.
Uh, hopefully, teach you some manners.
Shut up, baby dick.
All right, well, I'm out of here.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, I Don't go, don't go.
We haven't even started yet.
Come on Frank was right.
This woman cannot change.
People don't just change.
People change! She can change.
I'm gonna change.
What? You're gonna change?! What the hell are you talking about? Well, I'm gearing up to get into my second act, you know? And that's very exciting for me.
And I'd like to help Roxy do the same thing, that's all.
No no, no, Dee.
Aw, really? What? No, you're already in your second act.
Me? Yeah.
We're all in our second acts-- don't you see that? And I, for one, I don't want things to change.
I want them to stay the way they were, because my first act was awesome.
See, your first act was-was shit, and that's why you're so desperate for things to be different.
But they rarely ever do get different.
If anything-- God, they get worse.
I mean, look at Mac.
I got salsa on my shirt.
He got salsa on his shirt.
Okay here's howhings need to go from here on out.
You gotta deal with this woman, because I can't handle it all right? She made things personal, and I won't stand for that.
Somebody needs to take care of Mac, and that's gonna be me, because his fatness is starting to affect our entire crew.
Mm-hmm.
So I'm gonna take him with me, because the man is carrying around trash bags filled with Mexican foods.
What's that smell? Crack.
That is crack rock.
Mm-hmm.
She's smoking crack! Oh, she's smoking crack.
Okay, she's smoking crack.
Uh, this is no longer a safe environment for me.
Mac, let's go.
Come on, I gotta get out of here.
Whew! I got a really good thing going with Roxy.
She's a sweet bitch.
Yeah, but she's mean.
She's definitely only into you for the money.
Well, so, Barbara was only into me for the money.
Yeah, but you deserve better than that, man.
Look, I'm already on it, okay? I signed you up on a dating Web site.
I got you a date, dude! Yeah? Check it out, though.
I got a little twist on this date.
This girl does think she's meeting a millionaire.
Why'd you say that, Charlie? That defeats the purpose.
Well, I'm gonna be the millionaire.
Oh.
Explain.
All right, check it out.
You're gonna play my limo driver, right? You're just like a regular working stiff to this girl.
She doesn't think you're a millionaire, okay? Then we're out on the date and I'm, like, "Oh, I don't feel very well.
I gotta go home.
But let's not waste this date.
Why don't you finish the date with my limo driver!" You know what I mean? Smart, Charlie.
I mean, yeah, she's not gonna be able to resist an opportunity like that.
A night with a limo driver? This is a good idea.
- Right? - I'm gonna give it a whirl.
- All right, man! - All right, Charlie! Oh, here, I think these are are done.
- That first one's done? - Yeah, this batch is done.
Just get 'em out.
Get 'em out-- whoo, baby! - Whoa! I burned myself on a rivet.
- Yeah Mac, these blood tests are going to show you the damage that you've been doing to your body, and my hope is that it will incentivize you to finally lose some of this disgusting weight you've put on.
This is ridiculous, dude, okay? We're getting older.
We're not going to look 20 forever.
No, I am going to look 20 forever, Mac, because the older I get, the more vigilant I become.
All right, I don't eat lunch anymore, for instance.
Yeah, and on odd days, I don't eat breakfast.
That sounds miserable.
No, dude, it's not miserable.
Well, yeah, it is a little bit miserable, but it has to be, man.
No pain, no gain.
I am also constantly in motion.
Like, right now, dude, I am doing leg lifts that are imperceptible to the human eye.
I call them hummingbirds.
And although I seem relaxed, I'm actually incredibly tense at all times.
Dude, we've been through this, okay? I'm cultivating mass.
Stop staying that.
You are not cultivating mass, and if you are, stop cultivating and start harvesting.
Bro, check this out.
Try to move me.
Wow, I'm not going to try Try and move me, bro.
Take a running start.
Take a running start.
Excuse me.
Did you want me to read these test results or not? Yeah, I was just trying to trying to move him.
He's like a brick wall.
Yeah.
You try to move me, Doc.
No, no, no, you're Read the results, Doc.
Well, I see, uh, severe dehydration here, multiple vitamin deficiencies, anemia, low blood pressure.
Ooh.
Mac, look, I don't want you to fret, okay? I'm going to get you on my exercise program.
I'm going to get you fit as a fiddle.
Uh, these are these are your results, Mr.
Reynolds.
What? No, those can't be my my results.
I'm healthy as shit.
Well, uh, not according to your tests.
I'm healthier than you, bro.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say you're healthy.
You have type 2 adult-onset diabetes.
Type 2 adult-onset diabetes? What does that mean for me? Well, that means you're going to have to inject yourself several times a day with insulin, or else you probably need to think about losing a little weight.
Whoa.
But I'm healthy besides the diabetes? Um, no.
But I'm more healthier than he is, I think is the point that you're trying to make.
Even with the diabetes.
Dude, stop saying "diabetes!" You sound like an ass You okay, dude? I'm fine.
I just, uh been doing a lot of hummingbirds today.
I'm good.
Have you eaten anything today? No.
All right, let's get out of here, bro.
I'm going to get you something to eat.
All right.
I'm going to lift you up.
What the hell? I'm not as strong as I thought, Dennis.
Okay, I've hurt my back.
I'm shit-faced.
Yeah, well, you downed that bottle of schnapps like it was a soda pop.
Look, Roxy, I'm trying to give you a second chance here, but you're making it very difficult.
Hey, this jacket is awesome.
Ooh, and it's tighter than dick skin, man.
Can you watch your language, please, Roxy? We're in a classy place with classy clothes for classy people, okay? Don't talk about dick skin.
Hi.
Can I help you with something? No, thank you.
We're just trying some stuff on.
Um, okay.
Well, you are aware that jacket is $500.
Are you implying we can't afford that? Can you? That's none of your business.
Um, it's exactly my business.
Excuse me.
Screw your dick skin jacket, man.
Oh, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, Roxy, Roxy! Oh, God, no, don't do that.
How do you like me now, gay boy? Well, now, okay, okay.
Don't call him gay, 'cause it'd be one thing if he wasn't, but he clearly is, so Is there a problem? Yeah, there's a problem, man.
I'm trying to buy this coat, and this asshole here is giving me shit.
You are aware of the price.
Well, here.
'Cause I have money.
Oh, shit! Jerry, can I talk with you in my office, please? You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, oh, face, Jerry, face! Take a hike! Sorry about the gay stuff.
That did cross the line.
Jerry, please, my office.
Roxy! Holy shit.
That was amazing.
You humiliated that salesman, and then you had the capital to back it up.
I love you, Roxy.
Ooh, I got to meet a client.
No, no, no, Roxy, you don't have to do that anymore.
You know what? We should go find Frank, 'cause he's got a surprise for you.
No, it's Tiger Woods.
It's Tiger Woods? Yeah.
Okay, th-this whole thing is blowing my mind.
Your life is way more glamorous than what I was picturing.
Yeah, yeah.
Now, help me dig these crack rocks out of my ass.
That's what I was picturing.
Yeah.
That's more like what I was picturing.
Charlie, I feel like a sack of shit in this thing.
You look good.
I feel like I'm a I'm a four year old going to my sister's wedding.
You're the limo driver.
You got to look the part, bud.
You don't look like a millionaire.
I am a casual millionaire from Texas.
You look like a farmer.
Frank, I got the whole thing worked out.
Now, listen to me.
We got out on the date.
I come down with a slight cough.
Okay? I ask to be taken home.
You take over.
You charm the hell out of her.
I'm so nervous.
You know how long it's been since I've been with a non-pro? Will you relax? Oh, hello.
Tarnation! You look as pretty as a peach.
Yes, you do! Hoss Bonaventure, CEO.
Uh, this here is my limo driver, Frank.
Hi.
Now, he's the finest driver in all the land, so you gonna get on just fine with him.
Hi.
Uh, hand down.
Only say hello once.
He's nervous! All right, well, let's-let's let's do this thing.
Get your stuff and giddy on up.
Calm down.
You'll be good.
All right! So, uh, how did you make your fortune? Hmm? Oh, uh, well, uh, uh, hustlin' and a-rasslin'.
Uh, you know, this and that.
Uh, made a decent penny in boiled denims and, uh, the bridge business mostly.
Uh, oh, Frank up there, though, now, that man is rich in spirit.
He's rich in caricature.
Uh, and that's true fortune, if you're asking me, to have that.
So you build bridges.
Um, uh I-I'm kind of into bridges myself.
Yeah.
I I-I found a whole case of eggs under a bridge last week-- perfect condition.
None of them missing.
None of them cra*** ced.
I mean, who in their right mind throws away a perfectly good case of eggs this day and age? I mean, it's a sick world, don't you think? Ah, he's good with the conversation and Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I believe I'm coming down with a bit of something here.
I got bit by a crab under that same bridge.
Oh, did you? Yeah.
You ever been bit by a crab, hon? Can we maybe put this divider up? Well, no, we don't want to exclude a great man like Frank from the conver Oh, my God! Call 911! No, it's okay.
I have a touch of consumption.
He's all right.
Why don't we drop him off? You and I will go to dinner, OK? I think I've been poisoned by my constituents! Oh, my God! Can I offer you a nice egg in this trying time? Yeah, he's got an egg.
You might I better pull over, okay? You know, you two can go to dinner together.
Help me somebody! Please, help me! Aw, shit, Charlie, what the hell went on back there? I swallowed, like, a million blood caplets 'cause I was gonna cough, like, you know, a handful of blood to make it it real.
And not I'm thinking, like, you're not supposed to eat them or something 'cause they're making me really sick.
Aw, Charlie, you blew it.
You're the one talking about eggs and crabs and shit.
I love eggs, Charlie.
I like eggs.
And I love crabs.
I like crabs.
And I love boiling denim and banging whores! I love boiling Well And I don't care if anybody doesn't like that about me.
They don't have to stick around! Screw 'em! You're right.
What's wrong with that chick? I miss Roxy.
Yeah.
Roxy and and I are made for each other.
Yeah.
Tell you what, if it's Roxy you want That's the last of it, I think.
Tiger Woods? I cannot believe you invited him over here, Roxy.
My place is a mess.
Oh, he's here.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I'm very excited.
Hello.
Who are you? Tiger Woods.
Hey, Tiger.
Hey, girl.
You brought a friend? Yeah.
Good.
I like that.
Mm-hmm.
So, you ready to do this? I know who you are.
Of course you do, honey.
I'm very famous.
No, no, no, no, hold on a second.
Roxy, this is not Tiger Woods.
What are you talking about? This guy's an actor.
He definitely pretended to be Donovan McNabb one time when I tried out for the Eagles.
Donovan McNabb? Eagles? I don't know what she's talking about.
I play golf.
Okay, Roxy, see, this is exactly why you gotta stop doing this shit.
And, sir, seriously? Okay, all right, all right, I'm sorry.
You got me, all right? I'm busted.
I am an actor.
My name is Don Cheadle.
No, you're not Don What are you doing?! What's going on? I don't care who he is if he pays me 500 bucks to rub my feet.
Did you say 500 bucks? Mm-hmm.
To rub your feet? Mm-hmm.
You don't have sex with him? Mm-mm-mmm.
I'm into foot shit.
Interesting What shoe size are you, by the way? Hey, your feet are bizarrely huge.
Man will go crazy for that.
I don't care for how you describe them, but what are we talking here? What kind of money are we talking? I don't know maybe we could pop those boots off and kick it around a bit.
Well, it never hurts to talk, does it? Just do it.
He's cute.
Oh, God.
Chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga, chimichanga.
Mac, chimichangas are delicious.
I told you, dude.
So good, oh! I told you.
Why would you not want to eat one of these every single day of your life? Oh, my God! I mean, they're delicious, they're full of carbs, which is great for a pump.
And they're cheap as shit.
Hence the garbage bags filled with them.
Exactly.
No restrictions.
No restrictions.
Oh, I love this no restrictions thing, man.
Now in that vein, I want you to take a look at that chimichanga.
I want you to say to yourself, "Chimichanga, you are delicious, but what do I really want?" What I really want? What do you want more than anything else in the entire world? What do I want more than anything else in this entire world? Yes.
Crack.
Oh.
I thought you were gonna say pizza or buffalo wings or something.
Yeah, no, no, no.
You want crack? Yeah, crack cocaine.
Now, I've never had crack.
Dude, you are going to love it.
I am? It's so good.
Let's do it! No restrictions, baby, no restrictions.
No restrictions.
Aw, man, this is gonna be awesome, dude.
Do you want some insulin? Oh, shit.
Yo.
Uh-huh.
You did what now? Oh, she is? I don't get it, but I don't need to.
Okay, we'll see you there.
Okay, bye.
Um, dude, so, apparently, Charlie just puked blood all over some lady in a limousine and Dee is sucking off Don Cheadle or something? And Frank wants to go ahead and get married to Roxy as soon as possible.
So we got to fire down there.
Dude, we can get crack from Roxy.
Let's get crack from Roxy, Okay, perfect.
Now do you want some of this insulin? No, I just want crack.
Okay, we'll get down there.
And on the way, let's fire down to John Wanamaker's and get ourselves a couple of Tommy Bahama shirts.
Are you familiar? Yeah, see what you mean about these shirts, bro.
Yeah.
You'll grow into yours, buddy.
Yeah, comfy as shit.
They hide your fatness.
You know, they're ugly as all hell, but I have a feeling I'm gonna like 'em a lot more when I'm high as shit on crack.
What's up, basticks? Basticks? Is that how you're gonna talk from now on? Look, I'm not taking no shit no more, so get used to it.
Also, I'm gonna become a foot girl.
All right, gross.
Whatever.
Frank, you ready? Oh, yeah.
I'm ready.
Okay, Roxy, Frank would like to say a few words.
Everybody.
Gather round.
Roxy Frank.
You are good shit, and I want to make this legit.
I'm still gonna pay you, but I want you to stop banging other guys.
What do you say? Want to be my wife or what? Holy shit.
Oh-oh, my God.
Oh, my Uh ooh Whoops.
Christ! No, it's okay.
She does this from time to time.
She's had an excessive amount to drink, so yeah.
Okay.
Well, Roxy, get up.
Roxy Come on, Roxy.
Roxy? Big day for Frank here.
Roxy, we don't have a ton of time, Rox.
Get up! The bitch is dead! How could she be dead? I'm telling you her heart popped.
She was smoking crack in the car the whole way here and also all day long.
She got no pulse.
Oh, my God! Holy shit! Call 911! Call an ambulance.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
No, no, no! No, no, no, I'm sorry.
Whoa, whoa, what? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Uh, we gotta think this through, okay? Dead hooker in my apartment? That doesn't look good for me.
I'm covered in blood.
I mean, not good to have a dead hooker, right? It would kind of mess up our second acts a little bit.
And I'll tell you guys something.
I smoked a little crack in the car on the way over.
Oh, you bitch! Oh, does she still have any? Yeah, yeah.
> We can't leave her here.
No, no, we can't leave her here.
Um, let's, uh Oh, God.
Okay, well, I mean I don't want to sound insensitive, but we could just put her out in the hall.
We call in an anonymous tip.
So we're still calling 911 Someone finds her.
just from a pay phone.
This seems like the best thing to do considering the circumstances.
Frank, what do you think? I think Roxy would have wanted it that way.
Well, there you go.
Frank would know.
I mean, that's it! You would know, Frank.
Can I say a few words? Make it nice.
Let's make the whole thing nice.
Really? I just want to get her out of here.
Oh, nice.
Roxy, God bless you.
You were a good whore.
You serviced me like no other whore ever did.
Not only my crank, but my heart.
And I'm gonna miss ya.
Amen.
So should we get the dead whore out of the apartment? Yeah, yeah, yeah,