Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e01 Episode Script

Last comic standing is back.
I bet you wondering, "how the hell did that happen?" last comic last comic standing yeah comedians line up to give their best they come from miles away some are even on house arrest standing mm there's a pregnant lady ready to tell her jokes she won't give up her spot even though her water broke last comic standing it's different so different I'm Craig Robinson and I'm your host Welcome to season seven Of last comic standing.
You heard right.
Yeah! Last comic standing is back.
Make some noise! I'm Craig Robinson, And I'm hosting this thing.
You loved me in the office, You wanted to have my baby after hot tub time machine, And now I'm all yours On last comic standing.
This season, We're shaking things up.
We've got new judges.
I think you're the bee's knees.
Take it away, Greg.
Yeah, I disagree with the chick.
And from Los Angeles to new York city, We're auditioning the best, The brightest, And the nudest.
Ew! I have many anatomical questions to ask you.
I never felt more black in my life.
The competition's going to be tougher I think we're done, but I gave it a shot.
You're the first surrender we've had.
Sexier - What a dump.
- And funnier than ever before.
I get the feeling you're competitive.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm in a contest.
Who will survive and get a shot At fame and fortune? I have no idea.
You're the one voting.
You'll decide who will be the winner of $250,000 And the title of last comic standing.
Be about it.
I'm gonna be on TV! Who stood in the rain? Who slept outside last night? Who got robbed? Yeah! Whoo! I've been waiting here for two days.
Go with the flow.
You've got two minutes.
Could one of them be the last comic standing? There's only one way to find out.
Are you ready? Yeah! Well, they better be ready Because now they have to impress our judges-- Three of the best comics in the business.
- Break a leg! - Wow, this is exciting.
Greg Giraldo is one of America's top comics.
- In a stand-up comedian, I look for honesty, I look for people who feel like they've suffered A little and are finding a funny way To put a spin on it.
With his performances on comedy central roast And his critically-acclaimed special midlife vices, He's proven he can be a seriously tough crowd.
Texting is a technology I never would have anticipated Catching on the way it did, huh? Are people really laughing out loud As often as they say, 'cause that would be one psychotic nation.
If we're like, "just having lunch.
" Natasha Leggero's Comedy's hottest rising star.
- Material, point of view, performance-- That's what I'm looking for.
A favorite panelist on Chelsea lately, She's also turned heads on reno 911 And knocked 'em dead on the tonight show with jay Leno.
These elimination shows are the worst.
Like, they're trying to confuse us 'cause there's no plot, So they just made the rules so confusing "tonight, the bottom two decide which six will join The final five.
" Yes! Yes! Andy kindler's the comic's comic.
I really am kind of open to anything.
So I really do look for people Who, whatever it is they're talking about, It comes from them.
Very funny! You know him from everybody loves Raymond, But he's also the author of the most influential Stand-up critique ever written, the hack's handbook.
Wow.
I teach at a comedy workshop every Saturday morning, Like a brunch thing.
And I tell the people--my students to wear loose clothing.
And they come in with sweatpants.
"get up on your feet," I tell everybody.
"just loosen it up.
" I keep doing that until people realize They've been ripped off, because how can you-- How can you teach stand-up comedy? That's crazy.
Are we ready to rock and roll? See you inside.
We will be in there.
Yeah! Oh, here we go.
- Hi.
- Hey.
My name is Maronzio Vance From Charlotte, north Carolina.
I auditioned for last comic standing the second season.
But I wasn't ready yet.
Now I'm confident.
I'm comfortable with my material.
I can be last comic standing.
What's going on, man? Uh, just want to say thank you for having me here.
I live in a studio apartment.
And a studio apartment is a constant reminder That you are just one room away from being homeless.
It's a tree house without a tree pretty much.
I try to feel good about my situation, 'cause, like, I lost my girlfriend during the recession.
And I sat her down, I said, "I really like you.
"I think you're a beautiful woman.
"but do you mind if we see other people "just until the price of gas goes down? "you know, geographically, you're just not attractive "to me right now.
"I would rather date somebody in my neighborhood Or, better yet, in my apartment complex.
" I'm gonna stop you right there 'cause I'm good.
I think you're very funny.
I also like that you were performing Wherever the laughs were.
You got to go where the energy is, buddy.
I felt like I was on trial, And I didn't want to look at the judge, So I went with the jury.
That is fantastic.
There is no need to look you in the face When you giving me this Yeah.
I am a Jew, sir.
That's how we look.
You gave me the "I can't believe you "went out with my girl after I told you How much I cared about her" face.
I like your delivery style too.
Let me say yes first.
I say yes, sir Thank you very much.
To what you're doing, and I want to put you on staff.
I don't have a staff.
I'd like to put you on staff.
The only thing I'd say, Sometimes, I couldn't quite hear fully, But don't change your vocal style.
Yeah, I agree with Andy.
I think you're hilarious, And I think you should keep using the Mic.
The Mic is good for comedy.
Always use the Mic.
- Thank you.
- But you're very funny, So it's definitely a yes for me.
Me too, and I liked how you were Kind of just drilling through the jokes.
- Appreciate it.
- We will see you tonight.
And I would like you to do a whole country comedian thing.
- I don't do that.
- You already won.
Thank you all very much.
- I mean this part.
- What do you mean, he win? I meant he should stop.
It's okay.
We'll see you tonight.
Congratulations to you, bro.
Thank you very much, man.
I'm gonna go home and get ready And come up with some new material to try out tonight.
I'm gonna try all new material tonight, See how that go off.
Yeah, good luck with that, man.
- Appreciate it, man.
- Do your thing.
Hey, we'll see you tonight, bro.
- All right, man.
- Congratulations to you.
Don't hurt 'em.
Comics who make a good impression will be invited back To perform at tonight's showcase in front of a live audience.
It takes two out of three votes from the judges For that to happen.
Hit it.
Hi.
But I like comedy with a strong point of view, Someone who's able to look at the absurdity of the world And kind of amplify it and make it hilarious.
My name is Felipe Esparza.
I'm from Los Angeles, California.
When I'm not on stage, my friends and I, We meet at each other's houses.
And we have, like, a little comedy writing session.
And we just run ideas.
Just brainstorm.
I used to go to Mexico to party.
Now I go there for the medicine.
That's funny.
If I win last comic standing, I'm probably gonna buy myself a better bicycle.
I'm not feeling too good right now Because my mom and dad are getting a divorce, And I'm scared because I don't know Who am I gonna live with now.
There's gonna be a custody battle Because neither one of 'em want me.
I live at home for one reason.
Someone needs to answer the phone in English.
That makes me the manager.
I don't have that good luck with women.
My friend had a threesome.
He was all happy.
I was all sad.
I could never have a threesome.
This is not a threesome body.
This is a "turn off the lights" body.
"leave your shirt on" body.
This is a "tell no--"body.
I got into a car accident.
You ever been in a car accident with someone else That doesn't have insurance? You guys just look at each other.
If you don't have car insurance And you think the other person Might not have insurance, Just grab any paper out of your car.
And you hold it like it's insurance.
it could be any paper.
It could be your eviction notice, Your son's homework.
Just believe in the paper.
What did you guys think? More? Less? Felipe, I've seen your work a lot of times, And you really kill.
Crowds love you.
- Thank you.
- You're very funny.
I am torn.
It's not easy, Because this was not really representative of how funny You really are.
Yeah, I believe that too.
But I can tell how funny you are.
So I'm gonna say yes.
I want to see what goes on in the showcase Tonight in front of a crowd.
Oh, thank you.
It was funny when you came in.
Were you kind of playing a character? No, that was me.
Oh, okay, no, 'cause you were just kind of, Like, robotic.
It was funny.
But then I was like, "Oh, maybe he's nervous.
" All right.
- I would just keep doing com-- Well, for me, it's a no.
I thought you had some really funny stuff, So I'm actually gonna say yes.
You have very strange mannerisms, Which I find interesting.
- Thank you, Andy.
- Like you're on a ship Or something.
So I think you're really funny, So I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.
So these guys pushed you through.
Thank you.
- Bye, Felipe.
- See you tonight.
Last comic standing to me Is like the super bowl for comedians.
Let's do this.
Si, Se puede.
I am flibbertigibbet.
Okay, let's hear your jokes.
- Let's hear-- you have a song? Yes, I have a song actually.
Whatever he wants to do.
And use the Mic.
Well, he's got the guitar.
- Before-- - Wait.
Hold on.
I'm not making him jump through hoops.
Yeah, but he maybe has to have a song.
Don't make him do anything weird.
I'm sorry, Andy, that I asked the guy For the song.
All right, go ahead.
Do whatever.
Excuse us.
We have our own emotional problems.
Whatever piece of art Well, I better just go into my song.
I have a song here that I wrote.
It's about something that's red.
I will tell you my beliefs Oh, my goodness gracious.
everyone must give me beef - No.
- No, it's a no.
- No! - It's no.
And I am going to say that you should not leave your house For the rest of your life.
There was a great turnout in Los Angeles.
People were waiting in line Around the block.
Take it away.
My name is Fifi Larue, The Gothic killer clown.
You have so much going on, I don't know what's going on.
Hello, fellow beings of planet earth.
If you're gonna do a silly character, You should be wearing, like, an outrageous outfit.
Yeah.
There were really some diamonds in the rough.
Oh.
I am highly allergic to feathers.
But I have to say a lot of rough.
No joke, I'm a lawyer.
Never say, "no joke.
" I'm gonna do it this time.
I'm gonna win this thing.
I'm here because I want to be the last comic standing.
How you doing? What's going on with you? What's up, bro? People! No matter what happens here today, NBC will make jay Leno the last comic standing.
do not be nervous.
Don't worry about punch lines.
Punch lines are overrated.
Setups Don't be afraid of silence.
Silence is making a comeback.
Charlie Chaplin didn't talk.
Look where he went.
- He's dead.
- Exactly.
Hello.
So, what, now I just get funny? Is that-- - Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah.
You could go the other way.
All right, here's what I want to talk about.
I sat down, I was having lunch The other day all by myself.
Suddenly, this guy just sat down across from me Like it was a speed date, And he's like, "I'm gay, "I'm 35, I make $10 million a year, "I got a house in Malibu and new York, I have a jet, I speak four languages.
" I'm like, "dude, you had me at, 'I'm gay, ' all right?" Then I'm like, "what makes you think I'm gay?" And he's like, "your mustache.
" I was like, "dude, my mustache is gay.
I'm not.
" And then he was-- I can't even-- I can't even think, this is so great.
I don't think I'm cut out for this show.
'cause my brain just shuts down.
I don't blame you, believe me.
I think we're done, but I gave it a shot, And I just don't think my brain is connecting In anything that could be funny.
- So you're not-- So you're dinging yourself? Are you withdrawing from the competition? You're the first surrender we've had.
That was maybe it.
I may have peaked in the hallway.
I had them laughing out there.
I say yes.
Oh, but you already said no.
Well, I want to come back.
You're a very funny person.
You're funny on your feet.
So I say yes.
And we'll see you tonight.
- Good to be here.
- If you show up.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks, kirk.
That was pretty cool.
Take care, man.
You said, "I peaked in the hallway," And that was, like, a throwaway.
It was, like, honest and real and fun.
- I did.
- It's funny.
They made me stand still in the hallway.
And I like to keep moving like a shark, So when I got on stage, I was--I was gone by then.
And still made it.
Okay, let's go see our new place.
My name is Laurie Kilmartin, And I have been a stand-up comic For 22 years.
Today's the second day of our new life.
My son and I moved into a new apartment today.
Who do you think we should steal cable from? This--I think this place, right? I'm raising my son as a single mom, And it's really a struggle to put that together With--with standup.
Here we go.
Here's some toys.
- Oh.
- There you go.
there you go.
Don't drop it, okay? Oh, no.
Who drew this? Oh.
I guess it was mommy.
Sorry.
Forgot about that.
She got into the juice.
He's getting a little older, it's getting easier.
Oh, jeez! I've taken him to nightclubs when I had to do a spot And the babysitter didn't show up.
He's been held by a thousand waitresses.
I don't know if I'm doing anything right, But maybe I'm not doing too much wrong.
Can I have five seconds with the camera? This is my shoot! Stop talking! I'm gonna have you removed.
Where's the bouncer? Get this guy out of here.
All right, I guess I will begin.
I'm kind of in a bad space as a person.
I recently found out that my boyfriend cheated on me.
And I found out in the worst way.
I found an email from her to him That said, "you have a handsome penis.
" And I was like, oh.
I can't believe he's cheating on me With a blind woman.
I think I got to cut him loose, you know.
I want to get married one day, And I think my fantasy marriage Would be to Charlie sheen.
Because my last name is Kilmartin, And if I marry Charlie, My name will be Laurie Kilmartin sheen.
just for a year.
- Just for a year.
- Yeah, just for a year.
I think you should save your jokes for tonight.
- Really? - No, I don't think You should do them tonight.
None at all? I don't think you should do them tonight.
I'm getting conflicting advice, And so I'll go to Giraldo.
I want to say yes, But I want to give a long-winded explanation.
This gives Andy more time to think of suggestions For what you should wear later.
Okay.
I love you, I think you're great, And I think you're a great, great joke writer And a funny performer, So, yeah, I look forward to seeing you tonight.
It's a yes.
Cool.
- I would like to see you tonight-- And I hope this doesn't sound sexist-- In a bathing suit.
- But not like a-- like really skimpy.
You know, when Andy's not judging comedy, He's actually judging models in Milan.
I would like you to dress like brisket.
A little more meaty? And then, at the end, you went, "I like brisket.
" I love complicated meats.
Dress like Mary Tyler Moore.
If that would be possible.
Oh, really? Okay.
But call yourself Rhoda.
I'd like to see you in shorts And wearing an arrow through your head.
Tonight, I want you in a Lincoln hat.
Wear a tuxedo.
Wear that shirt, But with a squirting flower A joy buzzer, A ventriloquist's dummy, Juggling.
Oh, I want to see you in a chiffon dress.
- Okay.
- And I'd like to see you With a mini pearl hat.
- Right.
- But more like a helmet.
Should I put hair up or down? Hair up and down.
Okay? Welcome back to Los Angeles Where hundreds of people have been standing In line for days for their chance to be The last comic standing.
I am the last comic standing.
- sha-mo I've been waiting in line, it seems like, forever.
You ready to get up there and sling some jokes? Two hours of sleep last night.
I've been here for about 36 hours.
- 72 hours.
- 87 hours.
I've been waiting in line here for about three minutes.
Cheers.
My name is Fortune Feimster, And I am from Belmont, north Carolina.
I live in van Nuys.
I don't want to brag or anything, But it's the porn capital of the world.
Oh, my god.
If I'm not performing, I am definitely writing or rehearsing.
Flaunt it.
Reach and reach and grab a star.
Grab a star and pull it down.
I'm one of those comics that goes On stage and turns it on.
When I go off stage, I usually try to turn it off.
Just 'cause I can't be one of those people That are, like, constantly on.
It's just exhausting.
I need a cigarette and a moon pie.
So I'm not from around here.
I'm from a small town in north Carolina.
And it's one of those places Where, like, everybody knows everything about everyone.
And my mom is no exception.
So she calls me up, and she's like, "hey, what are you doing?" I'm like, "well, it's 3:00 in the afternoon, cougar.
I'm working.
Maybe you should try it.
" She's like, "well, do you remember Ashley Davidson?' I'm like, "no, I don't know who that is.
" "oh, you know who that is.
" Like I was just lying the second before.
"Ashley Davidson, she had long, dark hair.
She was on the cheerleading squad.
" I'm like, "mom, it still doesn't ring a bell.
" "Ashley Davidson.
Her mom Alice used to cut your hair.
" I'm like, "oh, yeah, yeah, I think I know who that is.
" "well, she's dead.
" I'm gonna stop you Because I think you're obviously very funny.
I like what you do comedically.
I also like your humor.
And I like your comedy.
And I like what you're doing with jokes.
- Thank you.
- So I say yes.
I like you.
Thank you.
Great joke writing.
Great presence.
Yes.
Ignore her awkward gesturing.
I like it.
I'll take it.
- She has gesture-itis.
- It's called cook-- Cooking it up.
- I'll take it.
Well, so that's two yeses, so it's a yes.
We're gonna see you tonight at the showcase.
Great.
I'm excited.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you so much.
For the showcase tonight, I'm gonna go to the gym, I'm gonna pump some iron, Eye of the tiger on my iPod.
I'm ready.
Uh, my name is comedian Lil' rel.
I'm from the west side of Chicago.
This is my third time auditioning, And the stakes are high because I have a lot to prove.
I think this season I'm gonna really go hard.
Oh, thank you for the claps.
It feels good to be here.
You know, where I grew up, There's a lot of tough characters Where I'm from, Especially some of my teachers.
Like, I grew up with the craziest teacher In the world.
Like, his name was Mr.
Humphrey.
He was a cross between a thug and little Richard.
You know what I'm saying? And he used to use this one big word.
To this day, I don't understand-- Nobody in my class understood what it means.
He used to walk in the classroom, "are you little boys or little girls? Stop making all that recidious noise.
" "recidious noise.
"all you little bitty boys or little bitty-- Hoo!--Girls?" I just thought you were a little pitchy, dawg.
You are so funny, you're making me nervous.
Straight up? No, I think you did a great job.
There's something very old school about what you're doing, So I say yes.
All right, thank you.
I think that you're really relaxed As a performer, and I like where you're going comedically.
It's kind of off-beat.
So I say yes.
Yeah, well, I always vote based on how many shades of gray A person could wear at the same time.
So it's a yes.
You're hilarious.
Very, very funny.
I enjoyed it.
I think you're gonna do great.
You're going to Hollywood, kid.
Thank you.
I appreciate you.
Big fans of all of y'all.
Oh, thanks.
My name's Marc Ryan.
And I'm in the longest relationship I've ever been in.
And I can't remember when we had An argument where we just yelled.
I don't even know we're arguing Until I read about it on Facebook.
And I don't even really pick up on her nasty sarcasm sometimes Until all of her friends have weighed in Like cheesy reality show judges.
It's just complicated constantly by the fact That she likes to communicate online And on Facebook.
"I'm texting.
" Is this your wife? Are you guys still married? This is the most impossible thing to perform in front Of two people who I idolize, by the way, Greg, 'cause - Oh, wow.
- Wait, wait.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't know Nancy, but I know you.
You do not know Nancy.
- My name's not Nancy! - All right.
- It's okay, though.
- Stephanie.
I'm sorry.
You know what? It's Natasha, and it's a no.
Nancy, no one's listening to you.
- Nancy, seriously.
- Hey.
Nancy, please.
Nancy.
Don't keep calling me Nancy.
It's humiliating.
I will not call you Nancy.
I'm gonna keep calling her Nancy.
Now I know why Paula Abdul was constantly high on pills.
Some of the people that come in Are just crazy people.
And for this competition, you know, you need To be funny on purpose.
I'm all nutty, all nutty all nutty, all--mm And the jokes are strange.
Sometimes, I don't even understand them.
Maybe you could come over, but I could hire you For my kid's party.
You don't want them to be funny.
You don't want to encourage them.
Hey, miss, you have The hottest set of cans I've seen Since the hobo campfire.
What I hate is when somebody sets up a question You guys thinking like most people probably I know what you're thinking right now.
Okay, so I know what you're thinking.
- Do you really? - No, you don't.
Maybe there's hope.
I'm actually half black and half white.
- I am a half-breed.
I'm half-Persian, half-Scottish.
- It kind of sucks being half-Filipino.
But I'm half-Mexican.
- Half-Asian, half-Latino.
I can't drive, and I don't have car insurance.
Okay, stop.
I want to say yes to your Latino half, But no to whatever other ethnic part you were.
You know, Greg, you could take a lot of this advice For your own act.
What do you think I'm doing here? Sometimes it's good to look in a mirror.
I can't hear you.
I can't hear you! Okay, enough.
Whoo! Hi.
Hi, Kevin.
My name is Kevin small.
It's a tough name to grow up with.
Especially in Texas, which is where I'm from.
People can be mean.
"Kevin small.
"hey, Kevin small.
"I bet you got a small pee-pee.
"I bet you got a small pee-pee.
Kevin Small's small pee-pee.
" "well, if I do, then it's your fault, So shut up, dad.
" I was raised southern baptist.
My father though is still very active in the church, And I give him a hard time, 'cause my dad's a drinker.
And I'm like, "dad, the baptists are against drinking.
" "no, you drink liquor, you act like a dumbass, okay? "I drink [bleep.]
lite.
"Jesus turned water into wine, "and I drink beer, 'cause wine's for sissies.
Watch out now.
" - What happened? - "Watch out!" That's a tag line.
That's my dad.
My dad has a catchphrase.
Your dad was in Riverdance? He was, well, the redneck version.
Oh.
You kick with your boots though.
I'm really torn with you, Because some things you do are hilarious, But I feel like they might be hilarious, but not on purpose.
Oh, ppt! So I'm not sure what's gonna happen later, Because I'm not sure that you're-- You know, professionally funny versus just being funny Is a whole different thing.
If you don't know what's funny about what you're doing, Then you're only gonna do it Once or twice by accident.
Watch out now.
Okay.
Okay, I got to say yes.
Yeah, I'm gonna say yes.
But let me tell you something.
You will have to lose things like "b-b-b-b-bah" And "that was my dad.
" - Okay.
- And you don't just think-- Like, you don't have to be funny, You just have to be yourself And just as much of that as you can bring-- - Well, these are my people.
It'll be easy to bring it.
Thanks.
We'll see you later tonight.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Yeah, that's a yes.
all right, thank you, Kevin.
See you later.
That was awesome.
Fairly new to standup, So I'm more excited than anything To make the showcase.
So tonight is gonna be awesome.
We'll see how it goes.
- All right, honey, here we go.
- Okay.
I no longer have any time or any money left.
It's a thing of the past.
You know, the closest I've come to having a facial lately Is when I drain macaroni.
I'm gonna say yes, and now Natasha's gonna weigh in.
I'm gonna say yes.
But I do a thing when I do standup Where I kind of take my favorite audience member Out to my van after the show, And I make my favorite audience member An egg salad sandwich.
We want to see you tonight.
Switch it to crab Louis.
Crab Louis.
Fantastic.
Wish I had a time machine.
I'd go back like 200, 300 years ago, Bring some piece of modern technology Just to really wow them.
And I'd be like, "this is called a computer.
" And they'd be like, "oh, computer, that's interesting.
Say, is that a time machine you just walked out of?" That's a yes.
Very, very funny.
Yeah.
Just read that 48% of Americans Say they want the United States government To stay out of Medicare.
You know, I want 48% of Americans To stay out of America.
We'll see you tonight at the showcase.
I've noticed another thing That's really popular now is Nascar.
It's the most popular sport in the country.
I don't know if you guys know that.
Something I don't get about the Nascar fans, though, Can't figure out what it is About watching cars drive in a circle That makes them all hate black people.
that seems a little weird to me.
I don't know.
If you can come up with stuff That is going to alienate everybody That's my specialty.
That's what I want to see tonight.
I say yes.
I say yes too.
I say yes too.
You're welcome.
- Thanks.
Bye.
- Bye, Jacob.
I want you to wear a second jacket over that jacket tonight.
Oh, this guy's gonna be good.
Yeah, I'm gonna have to stop you.
He's kidding.
I'm sorry, sir.
Hey.
Um Can you talk into the Mic? Hello.
- That's good.
- Hi.
So Where do cows hang their paintings? - In a moo-seum.
- Yes.
In a moo-seum.
- Is it all farm-based? - I just want to go on record-- the coat is cool, But I say no.
I think you should keep doing comedy.
For now, I think, for me, it's a no.
I would like to reject you For any further competitions in the future.
Okay, thank you.
Thanks for coming down.
Yeah, you were pretty good, though.
Thank you for coming down.
They loved it.
I killed in there.
Like, I was doing, "what are the sexiest farm animals?" "brown chicken, brown cow.
Brown chicken, brown cow.
Bow-chika-bow-wow.
" You know what I'm talking about? Who's having a good time out there? Anybody having a good time? It's gonna be okay.
Calm down.
We're filming here today At the world-famous Hollywood improv.
You know you're here, because you're in the parking lot And you see all these wonderful paintings Of famous comedians-- Drew Carey, Bette Midler, Richard lewis, billy crystal That's either Ellen or David spade.
Mine must be back in the corner somewhere.
- Hi, Torry.
- Hi, Torry.
What's up? welcome to my crib.
that's right.
Bam.
Right here is my lovely showcase.
Look at this fine wood.
Don't you like it? bam.
Mm-hmm.
This is where my 55-inch TV was.
moving on.
This is my lovely bookcase, my library.
bam.
Uh-huh.
Welcome to my bedroom.
This bed was imported from east l.
A.
The French maid hasn't made it yet.
Hey, hey, come on, man, you've seen enough.
Now get out, all right? Kick rocks.
Deuces.
Hey, congratulations on the new job.
That is good.
You got--you got the best job in the world.
Come on.
You got to admit.
We are professional comedians.
People hate their job these days, And that's what I don't understand.
You know, that's why customer service is so jacked up.
I hate customer-- I hate going to the bank.
You ever go to the bank, they got, like, 20 windows, Three people working, There's always, like, one bank teller who will fool you.
She'll walk up to the window like she getting ready To open up and just stand there.
You like, "lady, open up.
" "I'm on my break.
" "I'm gonna break my foot off in your assets If you don't open up.
" I jumped the damn line one day, Went to the front.
"excuse me.
Um, aren't you a teller?" She said, "yes.
" "can you tell her To open the hell up?" Love my job.
Guy Torry.
You have a very effusive personality.
I like how you just really performed the jokes.
And you really were present for it.
But I think the writing wasn't quite there.
- Okay.
- So I'm gonna have to say no.
You know, "on a break," "break my foot off," Just seemed easy.
Okay.
I'm really, really on the fence.
- Bring me back tonight, I guarantee you-- I guarantee you.
But, you see, I know you're gonna destroy the room.
I know that, but I just feel Like you are ahead of your material.
Like, when you came up and said, "great that you have the job," that was hilarious.
But then the material I don't think is as funny As you are as a person.
He's clearly the guy that would crush hard.
He would crush tonight.
Give me one more That you would have done tonight.
One I would do tonight is like, I really want to win this show, So I can get a television show.
A white show.
'cause--'cause a black show get cancelled Like bad checks.
I think the longest-running black show is the news.
You always catch a brother on the news.
- Okay, come back tonight.
- That was funny.
Yeah, we'll see you tonight.
Just come back tonight And stop hocking me, as the Jews say.
- Hey, hey, but that's what you need in this business-- - No, everything needs to be at that level, guy.
It's gonna be at that level, I guarantee you.
You got people waiting.
Thank you so much.
- Okay, thanks, guy.
- See you tonight.
The judges were kind of iffy on some of the material, But they did like my personality, my energy.
I'm gonna have a good time tonight.
That's what's gonna happen.
And the audience will have a good time too, trust me.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- So this is-- this is Edith Piaf.
Is that correct? Yes, that is my name.
- Well, go ahead, Edith.
- Take it away.
Take it away.
- Hey, what a good-looking crowd.
Who drove here tonight? Good.
I might need a ride home.
I mean, have you seen these legs? Next joke.
Next joke.
Don't you hate it when you lift your leg To pee on a tree and you realize You already peed on it? Am I wrong, ladies? I think that's my time.
- I'm gonna say-- I'm talking to the dog Like an idiot.
I'm gonna say-- Hello, you don't even care to look at me? Hello! I'm gonna say no, But I think it was clever, So I think you did-- it was funny.
- Thank you.
- It was funny.
I did laugh.
'cause I laugh at anything weird or unusual.
But the jokes for me, to say yes, Would have had to been better.
And there's some cats we're looking at later on.
- I think the bait for me-- - Oh, I didn't even see you over there.
I thought it was the dog.
Oh, we're being fooled.
If the dog could really talk, I would have said yes.
But keep at it.
I'd say no.
Thank you so much.
- Well, I appreciate it.
- You did a great job.
Appreciate your time.
Have a good day.
Au revoir, Edith Piaf.
Je t'aime.
Au revoir.
The caliber of talent in Los Angeles has ranged From super-polished headlining comedian To really unique voices Who are about ready to break out.
And that's what I'm looking for.
My name's Taylor Williamson.
I'm from San Diego.
How's it going? I am a professional comedian If you don't count the fact That my mom pays my cell phone bill.
Hi, Taylor.
My name's Taylor.
We already discussed that.
I'm gonna tell you guys some jokes.
I hope you like them.
Okay, here we go.
Um, I just moved back here from new York city.
What a beautiful place.
Here are a few things I learned Through my experiences in new York city.
First, I learned that pretty girls On subways don't enjoy talking To really talented up-and-coming comedians.
I learned that, when you're done using a condom, You're supposed to tie it in a knot And throw it on the sidewalk.
And my favorite thing I learned in new York city-- Just because you're homeless Doesn't mean you can't have cats.
Okay, Taylor, I'm gonna stop you.
You're a funny man.
Thank you.
We are tight on time.
I want to see you tonight.
What do you think? I say yes.
Yes.
That's two yeses.
That's a yes.
Thank you, guys, so much.
But we're tight on time.
I need you to run.
I need you to sprint out of the room.
Don't even look back.
Coming up, it's the showcase.
The comics perform in front of a live audience And compete for a ticket to the semifinals.
I think I'll be nervous, like, right when they call my name.
And then it's like, as soon as you grab that microphone, You know, you're just like, I've done this a thousand times.
I can do this.
So it's the pre-part that's a little nerve-racking.
I feel great that I've made the showcase.
Um, like I said, I've started standup in November.
So I feel like this is a huge-- a huge leap very quickly.
I feel honored and a little in awe of it.
As guy Torry would say, I'm gonna bite 'em in the butt.
We're all feeling very excited And nervous about the show.
I spoke to my mom about it.
She said, "Felipe, don't worry about it.
No one there is gonna laugh at you.
" Let's give it up for Craig Robinson! Is that all you got? Welcome to fantasy island.
Welcome to our first l.
A.
Showcase For last comic standing season seven.
Can you all give it up? Come on.
We have auditioned hundreds of comics from across the country.
And the best of that group has made it to the stage tonight To compete for a ticket to the semifinals.
You all ready to get this party started? Make some noise for Felipe Esparza.
So how you guys doing tonight? Good? All right.
I went to sleep with a real big girl one time.
Well, who am I kidding? I'm Mexican.
Many times.
But this time I remembered.
She woke up before me.
She put on my t-shirt and my underwear.
She would walk into the restroom.
I was waking up, looking at her, I thought that was me dying.
I was like, "I don't want to die!" Yeah! Hey, you guys.
Oh, man, my name is, indeed, Fortune.
People are always like, "what's your name again? Precious?" That's pretty awesome.
Yeah! Oh, man, I'm trying to muster up energy for you guys.
I am so tired.
I have been thinking about the gym all day.
Blagh.
Which is weird because I usually think About wizards and centaurs.
I'm kind of a late-bloomer.
I didn't come out till a few years ago.
And I remember in college my mom used to be like, "I don't understand why you get so upset When your friend Michelle goes on dates with guys.
" And I'm like, "because she's my best friend.
" "you don't get it.
You don't get it.
" Finally, I got it, and I came out.
Finally, I did.
I was driving my van the other day, And I saw this woman jogging, And she had these, like, big Russian peasant breasts, And she's jogging, And they're like .
And I got very excited, and I said--I go, "hey, you're doing pretty good in the boob department.
" And she didn't hear me Because my window was up.
But I heard me, And it upset me that somebody would say something like that To another one of god's creatures, You know? I'm gonna give 'em all I got.
Hopefully, they love me tonight.
I'm just gonna be fun, and, hopefully, They see the fun in me and the exuberance.
I got a new haircut, new frames, And this beautiful vest.
And I'm ready to party.
Walks away.
Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome For Lil' rel.
Hello.
What up, everybody? Whoo! Hospital security guards just take their job too serious.
Especially if you get one Of them old, black hospital security guards.
You know what I'm saying? This a true story.
My wife had our baby.
I left and came back.
You know, you get the little visitors pass.
And I didn't, you know, I didn't put it on my shirt.
I just kept it in my hand, you know what I'm saying? So I tried to walk past the security guard, Just show it to him, "how you doing? Here you go, brother.
" "wait, where you think you're going?" "look here, man, you better take that sticker off, "put it on your shirt, and smooth it out.
"do you hear me? I know you hear me, But are you listening?" "hey, look here, man.
This is a pass.
My wife is upstairs.
" "look here, youngblood.
"I don't care who baby's up there.
"you come down here shucking and jiving, I'm gonna kick your behind.
" So he called another old security guard.
Now they surrounded me with old faces, Just looking at me.
"smooth it out!" Hey, how cool would it be if you could ride a dinosaur? You know, like in the Jurassic parks With the Jeff Goldblums.
See, most people think I would want to ride that big one, That big tyrannosis, That tyranna--tyrannosis-- That big son of a gun with the baby arms.
But I would not, 'cause could you imagine Putting a saddle on him? I'd be like, "bend down, you big s.
O.
B.
, "and stop wiggling that tail.
You're gonna break my barn.
" But I guarantee you, when Jesus comes back to save us, He's gonna be riding into town on one of them trice-- One of them triceto-- tricetop--tritop--tri-tip.
That's barbecue.
Can't ride, barbecue's dead.
Watch out now.
I actually think I got a better reaction From the judges than the audience, So I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
So they thought I was raw this morning, And I don't know if they were laughing At how raw I still am or that I did a good job.
Give it up for Laurie Kilmartin.
Come on! Thank you, you guys.
Thanks very much.
I don't know if there's parents here tonight, But I have a three-year-old.
He's okay now, but when he was an infant, It was brutal.
My boyfriend and I were on opposite nights On sleep detail.
One of us would stay with the baby all night While he screamed, and, one night, I heard my boyfriend on his night shout, "I'm gonna throw the gosh darn baby Out the window!" And I ran to the baby's room.
I'm like, "oh, my gosh.
Give him to me.
I'll throw him out the window.
" "you're tired, you could hit the wall, And then we'll have to raise an idiot.
" I find motherhood to be very difficult.
To put you in my frame of mind, My parenting hero is Britney spears.
I love that lady.
People think she's dumb trash.
I'm like, "no, she lost custody.
She's a genius.
" Do we have any Jews here tonight? Any Jews in the crowd? Yeah.
That's enthusiastic.
I'm Jewish too.
I'm a Jew.
How about anti-Semites? Jew-haters? Where you at? Make some noise.
anti-Semites? You guys are a bunch of liars.
I don't believe-- you don't hate the Jews? Come on.
Just admit it.
It's okay to hate the Jews.
Everybody hates us.
Everybody.
Not just like Muslims and Braveheart and my wife.
You know, like, everybody hates the Jews.
I think a big reason for it, a lot of the anti-semitism, There's this idea that Jewish people think We're better than everyone else.
That's what they say, right? Like, we're elitist.
We think we're smarter, more talented, More enlightened than other people, And I'm here to tell you guys that is not true.
We don't feel that way.
Here's the thing.
God does.
And that's That's in your book too, guys.
That is in your book too.
The showcase continues when we return.
Hundreds of thousands of comedians From across the globe auditioned To be in that first part, And they picked me.
You know, obviously they know what they're doing.
They're professional comedians, you know.
Bill Cosby didn't make it, you know.
Where's Steve martin? He didn't-- he was waiting in line.
This is it.
This is why we spend all those hours And nights in those comedy clubs Across the country, you know, for shows like this, So it's time to break out the big guns.
I'm just happy to be here.
I didn't ask to be here, but now that I am, I have to This wasn't my idea.
It's time for kirk fox.
Yeah! Found this out today.
The average weight of each female leg-- That's what these legs weigh.
Trust me.
Don't go home and cut your leg off And say, "hey, it's only 14.
" Just trust me on this.
So, ladies, at night, when you take that 15-pound leg And just throw it on top of us, You're dropping a dumbbell on top of me, all right? You're like, "hey, are you asleep?" "no, but everything below here is in a coma, all right? It's like a tourniquet.
I'm gonna lose the leg.
" And also, listen, if you got stubble on your leg And you're cold and you move your leg real fast, You can saw our limbs right off.
Sometimes, you're like, "hey, I heard something downstairs.
Go check.
" I can't.
There's a little bookcase on top of my leg.
Ladies, tomorrow, When you go to the gym, just take a little dumbbell, It doesn't even have to be a 15-pounder, Take 10, just drop it on your thigh And try and take a nap.
Trust me, it's not conducive to sleep time.
You ever hear this from your family, "spend time with your grandparents.
"find out where you came from.
They're not gonna be around forever.
" You ever hear this nonsense? Well, I did this.
Then I found out things I did not want to know.
I found out my grandma's parents were first cousins.
Yay! Family time.
I wonder what their wedding was like.
Was everyone sitting on one side of the aisle? "so where'd you guys meet?" "grandma's house.
" We're gonna elect Sarah Palin? Yes, she's running.
She already quit being governor.
Glad somebody in that family knows how to pull out.
Hey.
I'm taking on the big ones.
Sarah Palin jokes.
I'm not afraid.
She's gonna beat our president Because he destroyed America, am I right? He destroyed this country.
Remember how perfect this place was Before he was president? And now he's putting the final nails in the coffin, Young lady, with that obamacare, Which I'm sure you want, you hippie.
I think we should try the Canadian plan, right? I think the Canadians should pay our medical bills.
If I don't advance to the semifinals, I'll live, and I will still go to work every day at 8:30.
Well, I really don't ever get there till, like, 8:45, But, um, it'd be nice to not have to go To an office every day anymore.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Amy Claire, come on.
I'm dating a doctor.
Thank you.
So there's a slight chance of me quitting my job And a strong possibility of accidentally getting pregnant.
Mama didn't raise no fool.
And I've been playing doctor since I was like eight, So it's nice to finally do it with a trained professional.
And I love when all his friends Are like, "oh, are you a doctor too?" And I'm like, "no, no, no.
I'm a secretary.
"don't have to go to medical school for that.
All you need is a degree in theater.
" Sign me up.
Rice krispies is my favorite cereal in the whole wide world.
But I can't afford to buy them In the name-brand grocery store, So I had to shop at the 99-cent store.
And when you pay 99 cents for something, You get 99-cent quality.
And I went into the 99-cent store To get me some 99-cent rice krispies, and I went home, And I put 'em in a bowl.
And, you know, like, I know rice krispies Are supposed to talk to you.
For some strange reason, mine spoke Spanish.
"hola, negro punto" don't sound right Coming out of my cereal box.
So I was watching the history channel recently, And there was a Hitler special on.
Yeah, Hitler's getting his own specials.
He's doing very well.
And they were saying that Hitler and Eva Braun Had a good relationship.
Gee, I'd like to know who she was going out with before.
"oh, yeah, all those other guys were jerks.
And then I met Hitler.
" You know what's really depressing Is that Hitler and Eva Braun had a good relationship, And my husband and I are in couples therapy.
I mean, my husband's a great guy, Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, But, let me tell you something, he's no Hitler.
My wife is part bougie and part ghetto.
Part bourgeois and part ghetto.
She was a hybrid.
She's boughetto.
Boughetto.
That means she's gonna do something classy And something ghetto right behind it.
Example: Christmas '07, I bought her a purse.
Louis Vuitton.
$3,000.
Bitch keep hot sauce in the damn thing.
Who the hell keep hot sauce In the damn Louis Vuitton? She tried to be romantic.
Our anniversary comes up.
I come to the front door.
She's got rose petals from the front door All the way to the dining room table.
She's got some champagne on ice, the good stuff, $150 a bottle, [pop.]
She got some Andrea Bocelli playing on the stereo.
That's Andrea Bocelli.
That's some of the most beautiful music You're gonna hear in your life.
We sit down to eat, she bring out some hamburger helper.
Really? I do feel like I have to win over the judges, But, at the same time, it's so much easier Now that, you know, I have a crowd in front of me, So, you know, I'm gonna focus on making the audience laugh.
Just like any regular show.
Let's make some noise for Shane Mauss.
Come on! Thank you, guys.
All right.
The clock in my car has an a.
M.
/p.
M.
Indicator.
That seems unnecessary.
I mean, if you don't know If it's a.
M.
Or p.
M.
, You are in no condition to be driving.
It should say the date.
I never remember that.
I always go ask, like, random people on the street.
Sometimes they look at me like I'm crazy Just for not knowing the date.
"you don't know the date? Are you mad? It's the eighth.
" I go, "what?" so just to one up However crazy they already think that I am, I just grab 'em, be like, "no, the year.
What year is it?" Thank you, guys, very much.
And now it's time for our judges To deliberate.
Who will be moving on to the semifinals? We'll find out in a moment.
- It's a little nerve-racking.
Oh! Hopefully, it'll be good news.
Give it up! Let's hear it for all these comics.
Let's give 'em a hand, y'all.
Come on.
The deliberations are over.
And the results are in.
The first comic moving on to the semifinals is Felipe Esparza.
I will work really hard, and, man, I'm glad it's over.
Yeah, I'm excited.
David Feldman I'm so grateful.
Since I started doing standup, My goal was to defeat other standup comics.
Maronzio Vance Shane Mauss Guy Torry Kirk fox I'm a little surprised, but I look forward To the competition, the battle.
Jacob Sirof Taylor Williamson Lil' rel - I'm like-- I'm a huge fan of the show.
So to actually get the red envelope, it's just-- It was very overwhelming for me.
It's a comedy show.
I ain't supposed to be crying.
Fortune Feimster So when they call my name, I was ecstatic.
I really was.
It was likeA release.
And the final comic moving on to the semifinal is Laurie Kilmartin.
It's great to be picked.
That's-- that's an amazing feeling.
You know, I've been doing comedy for so long, And it's nice that someone out there Still thinks I have something to bring to the table.
Yay! Here I come, semifinals.
Look out! Hey, mom.
I made it to the semifinals.
- All right! - Yay.
I do have to say I made fun of you on stage.
- Uh-oh.
When I started standup comedy, I--this was, like, my goal, Was to get on last comic standing.
Um, I didn't get an envelope, But--well, you can't help but have it feel disappointing Because the buildup, it kind of feels Like cheerleading tryouts.
Except for that I made cheerleader.
To make it this far is really encouraging.
You know, top 40-something out of 400.
I'm ecstatic.
It's gonna help me on down the road.
So I'll be back next year.
Today, favor was showed in my way.
That doesn't make me any funnier than anybody else.
It's just that, on today, I had a good set.
Whoo! Yes.
Yes.
It ain't over yet, baby.
Yay! - We've got another hi-larious day in l.
A.
Coming up.
I'm Craig Robinson, and I have a pink umbrella.
The comics take on our judges.
- Oh, hell, no.
- Some are really funny.
Perhaps you shouldn't wear a red shirt And khaki pants to target, bitch.
And some just plain old stink.
I'm not gonna lie.
It's starting to smell a little funky out here.
This is brutal, man.
Welcome back to Hollywood.
It's day two of our auditions, And we've got lots more comics ready to face the judges.
On our first day, we saw some great comics Earn tickets to the semifinals.
Only a handful of tickets are still up for grabs.
Who else will get one? Maybe you! Maybe me, my man.
We out in l.
A.
, you know.
We're doing our thing, and, you know, It's how we do it.
We're going to get that ticket.
We're about to find out.
Day two starts in l.
A.
Right now.
To stand out in the rain Just for your two minutes of fame, You've got to be crazy.
Well, this is dedication that separates the men from the boys.
Hey, in new York, you wouldn't even be up now, hey.
Nah, in new York, we'd be still sleeping.
Because we get up at 2:00 and then we come out, Punch somebody in the balls, go back to bed.
Hey.
I'm Rachel Feinstein.
I've been doing standup for 11 years.
In my act, I tell stories, I imitate people.
I've always loved people's affectations, People's voices.
- Hi, Rachel.
- Do whatever you want to do.
Yeah.
Yeah, whatever I want to do.
Just sort of take all the heinous nonsense That life throws at you, and I spew it back.
I just moved recently, and there's these guys, They work at the bodega on my corner, And they like to just sort of sit outside my apartment On these lawn chairs and drink 40s all day Because they're real winners.
And there's this same guy, every time I leave my own place, He just goes, "I'm saying, boo.
"I'm saying, boo.
"damn, girl.
Your ass is neighborhood-approved.
I'm saying, boo.
" And it works.
I feel guilty.
I feel like a slut on her way to get some milk.
It's effective.
But I think I heard one of my very favorite, Most trifling things recently.
I was walking with my friend, and she's sort of heavy-chested, So she causes a real stir.
And as we were passing this guy, He goes, "damn, [bleep.]
," and does a little shake Like that.
And he actually kept shaking Almost as if her [bleep.]
Had physically thrown him off course.
He was like, "damn, [bleep.]
, damn.
" You know, you're hilarious.
And, actually, I think you have a very bright future Because your persona on stage is very, very funny, So I'm gonna say yes, And I'm assuming that you'll kill Tonight at the showcase.
I say yes too, but I would like to hear I will.
I didn't mean-- I didn't prepare such a heavy [bleep.]
set.
I never heard anybody say heavy [bleep.]
before.
- And you also said [bleep.]
, and it was like-- I was very-- it made me love you.
Yeah, the way you said [bleep.]
made them seem appealing almost.
Girl, we'll see you tonight.
And I've always been a booby man.
Okay, cool.
Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Very funny.
Congratulations to you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
- Community-approved now.
- Yeah.
- Rachel Feinstein.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations to you.
Thank you so much.
Thanks a lot.
All right, enjoy.
All right, here we go.
Here we go.
Hey.
What's up, mike? You go by mike? How you all doing? All right, let's hear your stuff.
Take it away.
Recently, I had the hottest girl break up with me.
And she broke up with me Because I'm not financially stable.
And that's a lie, because I'm always broke.
- What's with the--is that how you look all the time? The hair? That's your look? It kind of gets ladies.
Your first thing's got to address it.
How punk rock is he? You know how punk rock I am? How? I'm so punk rock No, I'm not that punk rock.
Oh, man! - I'm a nerd with-- - You could be the guy Who doesn't do the punch line.
You've often said that comedy Is all about raising expectations And then dashing them.
Lowering them.
That's what I do every day.
It's a no for now.
It's a no.
Yeah.
- It's no for now? - Not for right now.
But I like your look, and you've got a great attitude.
And keep getting up on stage And working on your performance.
What are you, Antoinette Robbins? He was very sweet, And I wanted to give him some positive energy.
They're all gonna be sweet.
No, they're not all gonna be sweet.
You were responding to him with a phony kind of vibe.
- It was not phony.
- "Thanks for coming down.
Keep dreaming.
" Yeah, "keep at it.
" - What are you, Casey Kasem? - Shoot for the stars.
Here we go.
I pay $1,000 in child support.
This is ridiculous.
Like, what is my kid doing? Like, buying lunch for the entire school every day? Not wanting to pay child support Doesn't endear you to an audience.
Well, that's true too.
Holy cow! I'm the alien warrior comedian.
I'm actually from the planet centauri four.
It's just like Los Angeles, except easier to find people Who speak English.
I don't know if the actual joke Required the breastplate.
You want some of this, huh? You want some? - No.
- Tough crowd.
Tough crowd.
- No.
- Oh, no! - No.
- Elliott.
No for this competition.
I think some people think if they put a crazy getup on, That they won't have to write any material.
Hello, I am sasquatch, better known as Bigfoot.
And they are almost always wrong about that.
What you're doing is-- it's big.
Yes.
- It's elaborate.
- Yes.
- I don't want to use the word "one-note.
" For standup comedy, I tend to gravitate To people who are themselves on stage.
- Hi, Paula.
- Hi, Paula.
Hello, Paula.
Where is everybody? Left more people in my bedroom.
My name's Paula Bel.
Some broad out there asked me, "why don't you have kids? When are you gonna have kids?" who wants kids? This has to stop.
All these women having these kids all at once.
John and Kate and eight and octomom.
Eight kids at one time.
You shouldn't have eight of anything, Unless you're a spider or a squid.
I wish I had a uterus that could hold eight people at one time.
Times are tough right now.
I'd smuggle in illegals across the border At San Diego.
"andale, [bleep.]
! Let's go.
" And I'd spit 'em out on the 405 with a sack of oranges.
"get to work.
" I think that's good, right? Paula, I'm gonna say yes.
I think you're hilarious, and I think you'll do-- You'll do great.
- I've seen you a couple times, And you always, like, are so great with the crowd.
So I'm gonna say yes.
I humbly thank you.
We'll see you at the showcase tonight.
- You're lovely.
- Yes.
In l.
A.
, people are shockingly funny.
There are a bunch of people I think That could win the whole thing, a bunch of people I love.
- Hi, I'm comedy's Ron Babcock.
- Hi, I'm James Adomian.
There are hilarious people, a lot of 'em.
More than I expected, to tell you the truth.
I'm gonna say yes.
Sweet.
Well, thank you very much.
You're going on.
- Yes! Whoo-hoo! I'm gonna say yes.
I have to take my kid to a rave tonight, So I don't know.
- You're possibly the most sparkly of all-- - Tiffany, do another joke.
And incorporate the word iguana.
I am an Ethiopian Jew From south-central Los Angeles.
I know that's hard to believe Because you never see too many black Jews, But I am.
I've been to over 500 bar mitzvahs, And I have found that is very "tintillating" When you dance with an iguana.
Mm-hmm.
- Okay, I'm gonna say yes.
- You gonna say yes? - Yeah.
- I say yes.
- Thank you.
We'll see what happens tonight.
- Thank you.
- See you tonight.
Good luck.
Break a leg.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Did you say you was - Yeah, I'm married.
- You married up, right? - Yeah, I'm booed up.
- So you good.
- Yeah, I'm good.
- It's all good.
- It's okay.
We don't know how long it's gonna last.
You know, it's Hollywood.
It's all too good.
You play my wife or something in something.
Okay.
Thank you.
I'ma hold you to that.
That's on camera.
- No, no, I wasn't-- I was saying-- - I'm gonna play your wife On something.
I'm holding you to that.
- But what I meant-- - I'm holding you to that.
- But what I-- - Holding you to that.
Look out here.
What's up, everybody? I don't feel the energy.
Whoo! What's up, everybody? Welcome to last comic standing.
I'm Craig Robinson.
And I have a pink umbrella.
'cause I'm secure in my manhood.
Oh, here we go.
- Hi, chip.
- Hey, chip.
Hey, gang.
If that is your real name.
I'm chip pope.
I love the b-52s because I'm a big homo, But also because the b-52s can write a song About anything.
It doesn't matter.
what do you do when you go to the post office but you don't have money for stamps? they're 44 cents that's two cents more than they were before what do you do? gotta get yourself a job I'm gonna get myself a job as a paperboy I'm gonna throw that paper in a stranger's yard did you earn the money? I earned the money did you earn the money? I earned the money! Yay! Chip pope, I believe that you're a funny man.
I have known you in the past to be a funny man.
You continue to be a funny man.
I don't know why I'm making this gesture.
But I say yes on chip pope.
- Oh, thank you.
- I love you, chip.
You're a hilarious writer.
So yes.
Thanks.
I would like to see you cheer up a little on stage, Sort of come out of your shell, perk up, Bring a little smile and energy a little bit.
It's a yes for me, so we have three yeses.
So we'll see you tonight At the showcase.
Okay.
And I love what you're wearing.
And dress as another character From bazooka comics tonight.
Bye, chip.
- Congratulations to you, bro.
- Thanks, man.
- We'll see you tonight.
- I appreciate it.
It'll be fun.
- You gonna wear the same thing? - Yeah.
Why not? Or should I change? Mm, you're fine.
Hello there.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
When I was a kid, I couldn't wait To grow up and be an adult.
Now that I'm an adult, I can't wait to die.
I like soup quite a bit.
Champbell--or Campbell's.
I like Champbell's also.
A lot of people just go Campbell's chunky.
I like Champbell's cunky.
Mainly 'cause it's thicker.
I don't know if you've seen these mascara ads Where they're like, "would you like your eyelashes To be a thousand times longer?" I'm like, I don't really think about my eyelashes Unless I'm lighting a cigarette off the stove.
You're very interesting And very funny, and I love that first joke.
I wish-- I wish it was mine.
Why don't you two get a room? - I say yes.
- Yes.
Yes.
Don't wink at me like you bribed me.
We'll see you tonight at the showcase.
Now get out of here, you crazy nut.
- Yeah, now go on.
- Yes.
Thanks, guys.
Shave your head by tonight.
Skippy Greene.
They say, that if your ears are burning, That means somebody's talking about you.
Well, if your crotch is burning, Is somebody fantasizing about you? I hope so, 'cause if not, I am in trouble.
Scooby-doo.
- What is this-- like, what is that thing? It's an arm with another arm.
- He's--he's tagging the jokes.
Captain caveman.
I am gonna say no.
You know, I laughed a lot of times.
I'll have to agree with Andy.
- Just for this competition.
- Because they're - Because it's gonna be-- I don't see it going The whole competition.
What are you-- so you're voting no? What do you think? Well, it doesn't matter.
You both voted no, then me and Philip are still friends.
Shantytown.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dan.
This is the last person in line.
Dan, I either got Some really good news or some really bad news for you.
Okay, yeah, I'm ready, I'm ready.
The bad news is, I mean, You're the last person in line, So there's a chance you might not get seen.
That's a chance you willing to take? Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
The good news is, you first in line for season eight.
Yes! Hi, Jonathan.
Hi, Jonathan.
Thanks for having me.
Thanks for being here.
Great, so what's going on? I got mugged.
I got mugged.
The guy's like, "give me all your money.
" And I told him, you know, I don't have any money.
So he got me a job.
Now he's there every payday.
He's there every payday.
Bought a box of cereal because it said "special surprise inside," and they weren't kidding.
It was a gerbil.
Yeah, that was a good one.
- You got a lot-- a lot of things going on.
I want to say yes.
If you have a lot more jokes about as good as those, Then I would definitely say yes.
But if those are your best and your next four suck, I'm gonna feel like an idiot for saying yes.
It was a fat gerbil.
No cereal.
Just a box of raisins.
They weren't very good raisins either.
I will say yes.
- Congratulations.
- You're my favorite comic.
Wait a second? How about me? And you.
Tonight, I want you to slick back your hair, Get rid of the glasses, razor-sharp, Boom, boom, boom, boom, rapid-fire delivery.
Jonathan, don't listen to him.
"how you doing? How you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
" A lot of crowd work.
"what's this guy thinking?" Boom, boom, boom, boom.
I would wear a smoking jacket tonight.
Someone's gonna take your notes.
Coming up, the comics compete in our nighttime showcase For a ticket to the semifinals.
I've had a fire alarm go off in the middle of my set.
Anything can happen.
But I do feel very strong.
Are you kidding? I think I'm looking around.
I think I have a pretty good chance.
Just let me know what language.
Give me a shot of whiskey, and I'll perform In any kind of accent you want.
but let's get this show rolling.
'cause I'm aging back here.
But if I don't advance to the semifinals, I'm probably gonna go home and have a sandwich.
And then it'll probably come back to me In, like, little bits and pieces Of shame.
Hey, everybody.
Welcome to our second Los Angeles showcase.
Come on.
Let's give it up.
Yeah.
You all having fun yet? Yeah! Who's drunk? Are you guys ready to start this show? All right.
Coming to the stage, Give it up for chip pope.
Come on.
Yeah.
Hey, guys.
I went to target the other day To buy a microwave, And so I went up to this employee, And I was like, "hey, can you help me find the microwaves?" And she's like, "I don't work here.
" "well, you know what? "then perhaps you shouldn't wear A red shirt and khaki pants to target, bitch.
" I looked around, and a lot of people Were wearing the same kind of outfit.
It was like trying to find a real police officer In west Hollywood on Halloween.
"help me, officer, I've been hit In the face with a beer bottle.
" "do you need any poppers?" I like to watch TV.
CSI's gotten kind of lazy, man.
I was watching CSI, and the investigator goes To the crime scene, and he just goes like this, "yep, that's semen.
" What? Don't you want to send it to the lab or anything? Welcome to Hollywood.
What a dump.
This town--there's nothing to do but watch television.
Television's great if you're a man.
It goes on and on.
F/x, spike, sports, the Olympics-- It's all for men.
Women, what do they give us? Lifetime.
That's how they say it to lure you in.
Lifetime.
Television for women.
Every time you turn it on, We're getting beaten, raped, and stabbed.
Whose lifetime is this? I think a lot of the gay guys themselves Voted against the gay marriage.
"why would they do that, jimmy?" Hear me out.
I know they're gay, But they're still guys.
And most guys don't want to get married, No matter who they're sleeping with.
You can't let guys vote on that.
It's going down every time.
Let's say you're a gay guy And you don't want to get married, all right? But your boyfriend does.
You go, "oh, I'd love to marry you.
Let me go vote.
" no.
And then afterwards you can look him In the eye with a straight face, "I wanted to marry you, but they made it illegal.
" I want to impress my mom and dad tonight More than anything.
Those are the judges.
Just years of me doing this for a living And them not-- my parents are immigrants, So, like, they don't even know what a standup comedian is.
So for them to see me on television doing standup Will probably help.
Keep your hands moving for Christina Pazsitsky.
Come on.
My family is from Hungary.
They grew up in communism.
And I know some of you are young, So just so you know, Communism is when rocky fought Ivan Drago.
That's when that was.
My dad loves this country.
But what he loves more than America Is talking about the old country.
So he'll sit around and be like, "Christika, when I was a child, "we didn't have a playstation or WIIs.
"no, we used to play 'pry machine gun out of dead soldier's hands.
'" Lord, please give me the strength and the power To make these people laugh.
Catch you later, man.
Come on.
Make some noise for Tiffany Haddish.
Man, I just got married not too long ago.
Give it up for me.
I mean, he love me, he love me so much That I asked him, you know, There's a lot of women out here In Hollywood got, like, big boobies and stuff, And I want me some boobies 'cause I'm a 31 a-minus, And that's just not right.
And I begged him, "please, All I want for Christmas is some boobies.
" And he went ahead and got me these.
This is some bullcrap, though.
You know, some women pay $2,000 and $3,000 for boobs.
He got mine for $14.
95.
I love the commercials for mucinex Because they have this cartoon mascot That tells you it's bad to have mucus in your lungs.
I don't really need that to begin with, But then, on top of that, He sounds like everything that rich people hate.
He's like, "my name is booger! "I'm working class, I take the subway, "I wear a hard hat, "I work with my hands, probably a large family, Probably some credit problems.
" I like this guy.
I don't want him out of my lungs.
He can get in my lungs anytime.
If you want me to cough something out, Make it a-- make it a-- Make it a landlord.
Make it a fake liberal landlord who used to be a punk rocker Who has a long, gray ponytail and a Lamborghini.
"yeah, you know that lung capacity "we rent out to you guys? "yeah, well times are real tough for us too, "so we're gonna have to make it harder for you to breathe.
Sorry about the lambo in the esophagus.
" Don't go anywhere.
The showcase continues when we return.
Greg and Natasha seem to be fond of me.
Andy didn't protest, but he doesn't-- I don't think he was, like, as excited maybe.
So I'm hoping to charm him.
He seems, like, really intelligent, So I hope he thinks I'm smart.
Please welcome to the stage Rachel Feinstein.
Thank you.
I had sort of a weird week.
I just started seeing this guy, And we just started sleeping together.
For me, sex is never good in the beginning.
It always takes me a long time to get comfortable With a new person.
Doesn't even feel like sex at first.
It just feels like strange poking and And I can't talk dirty either.
I feel like there are enough humiliating things going on.
I don't see why I should be asked To add that to the cocktail.
I try, I want to be good at it, I've been coached by my whorier friends.
But I'm not talented.
My mom doesn't like that joke.
She's always like, "could you please take that out Of your talent show?" That's what she calls my standup.
Calls it my talent show.
My mom's, like, ridiculous.
She's got one of those crazy, overly-spiked mom dos.
Her hair just keeps getting more and more aggressive Every time I see her.
She looks insane.
She looks a lot like vanilla ice at this point.
Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
I just quit smoking.
Um, I'm sorry.
I said that wrong.
I quit just smoking.
Now I smoke and chew Copenhagen and skoal Simultaneously, and coffee grounds.
I'm trying to quit the co, So I'm just chewing coffee ground-- And drinking coffee.
And smoking.
I'm smoking and eating cigarettes.
I'm chewing cigarettes.
And whiskey and raw bacon, just in the morning.
That's breakfast.
'cause my new addiction is having diarrhea.
I don't know how you get rid of that habit.
God grant me the serenity.
You know, everybody needs new shoes.
I need some new pants.
So last comic standing can help me out.
Give it up for Jonathan Thymius.
He's wearing a smoking jacket.
So I smoke a lot of pot.
It has no effect on me.
What was I saying? Uh, ran into my ex-wife recently.
Yeah, she went down the list of all the reasons Why she divorced me.
She said I was a worthless, messy, Loathsome, vile, Nauseating, repulsive loser.
Messy? It's my third time, and you're thinking, Well, you know, I've been here before.
Where I haven't been is the semifinals.
So I'm like, I would like to get there.
Please welcome Cristela Alonzo.
Hey, guys.
You guys ever lied so much on a resume, You're actually shocked that they give you the job? Like, when I lie, I go all the way, you know.
I'm not gonna do that, "hey, I type 80 words a minute.
" I'm like, "hey, I went to the moon.
" And I do that because my sister Is my fake boss for every fake job I've ever had.
So when you're calling to check references, You're never calling a real company.
You're calling my sister's house.
"hello.
Is NASA.
" "yes, with the shuttles and the rockets, yes.
"Sylvio, get off the bed.
"what? "no, she's the best astronaut.
"she goes to the moon like five times a week.
"it's crazy.
"Sylvio, get off the stupid bed.
"no, no, no, no, I'm not busy.
"no, no, I'm in the middle of a countdown.
"ten Nine" My life's a mess since I had kids.
Mostly because I live with a three-year-old white kid Who sounds like a world war ii Japanese general.
"you play trains now, daddy!" He comes in, he stalks me.
"daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
Daddy.
"you play trains now.
Daddy, let's go.
" I sit there, I'm trying to write my jokes, Just want him to leave me alone.
He comes in, he's like Sometimes it's like an interrogation With him, you know.
He's like "how come you don't want to play trains with me, daddy?" I'm out.
It is now time for our judges to deliberate.
We can excuse 'em.
Give it up for our judges.
We got a lot of work.
The judges are gonna deliberate.
Who will move on to the semifinals? We will soon find out.
I really do want to win.
I really want it this time.
And I've been on this show before, And I don't think I cared as much.
Please call me.
Please call me.
Give it up.
Let's hear it for all these comics.
Let's give 'em a hand, y'all.
Come on.
And the results are in.
Who's gonna be moving on? The first comic moving on to the semifinals is Rachel Feinstein.
I'm very excited.
It's a very big deal for me.
I never win contests, And I never really felt like I'm one of the cool kids Or whatever, so I was up there Kind of feeling like, yeah, they're not gonna call my name, And I'm gonna feel like a douche.
The next comic moving on Is Chip pope.
It's kind of crazy, 'cause I didn't know If I had my best set or whatever, but it's great.
Yeah-hah! I got a ticket.
James Adomian.
I'm totally ready for the semis.
I'm gonna start telling jokes every morning.
Training starts now.
Jason Nash I'm really, really excited.
Thank you.
Paula Bel Thank you.
Cristela Alonzo The last comic Moving on To the semifinals is Jonathan Thymius.
Called me last, and I looked behind me, And there's all these heavy hitters behind me.
And I'm stunned.
I can't believe it.
I couldn't be happier.
Let's hear it for all these comics.
Let's give 'em a hand, y'all.
Come on.
I'm so glad that's over.
Like, look at this.
I didn't make it to the semifinals, And it's all good, 'cause I'm gonna be somebody.
I'm a little disappointed.
I'm gonna be honest.
I'm just gonna lay in bed And think about what I've done.
Which is fail.
Yippee.
I can't wait.
Maybe I can take an aeroplane like that girl on American Idol.
Whoo-hoo! Give me a break.
Thank you so much for enjoying Last comic standing.
My name's Craig Robinson.
See you next time.