M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e01 Episode Script

- [Muttering, Chuckling.]
- [Knocking.]
- [Radar.]
Colonel? - [Chuckling Continues.]
Good, I'm glad you're awake.
Sir, I hate to interrupt you while you're in a good mood, but - Colonel? Ohh! - [Shouting.]
Oh! What the - Ohh, Radar! - Sir, I'm sorry.
- I thought you were awake.
I heard you laughing.
- Laughing? Oh, yeah.
Heh! I dreamt I came home from the war, and there there was Mildred wearing Hunnicutt's mustache.
- Why would you be laughing? - Because it tickled.
Is this important, or are you just going around waking people? No, there's a phone call.
It's "l" Corps.
General Imbrie.
Bill Imbrie? What's that old windbag doin' in-country? - I don't know.
You could always ask the old windbag.
- Zip it, sonny.
Right.
Maybe if Mildred waxed it.
[Wheezing.]
[Coughing, Snorting.]
[Mutters.]
Oh, dear.
[Groans.]
If only I could breathe.
Oh, if only I could sleep.
Why should you rest when my sinuses are pounding out the "Anvil Chorus"? Charles, you're blowing a good night's sleep for us all.
Drip, drip, drip.
This is making a shambles of my throat.
- [Clattering.]
- Now what? - [Gargling.]
- Oh, good.
He's drowning.
Evening, boys.
Same to you, Winchester.
You're just the man I want to see.
- Can you see him outside? - You'll want to hear this too.
There's been a big shake-up at "l" Corps.
General Imbrie has replaced General Hammond and Imbrie wants a powwow with all the major officers in his command tomorrow.
That's fascinating, Colonel, especially at this hour of the night.
What makes you think I could find this of the remotest possible interest? Just this, Senor Hoity-toity.
As of 0600, I will be en route to Seoul, and you will be interim commander of this post.
- Congratulations.
- Charles in command? That's like giving Captain Bligh his own fleet.
Colonel, I'm touched that you thought of me, but it's out of the question.
It wasn't an offer; it was an order.
And under ordinary circumstances I would be happy to comply but my sinuses are clogged, and they're ready to burst.
- Here.
Feel that.
Feel that right there.
Feel - Ehh! Major! We don't know each other that well.
All right, Winchester.
You're off the hook.
- Pierce, you're temporary C.
O.
- I'm who? - There goes the war.
- Oh, no! No, you don't! I'm unfit for command.
- You have a cold? Hangnail? Warts? - And scurvy.
- You're still it.
- What about B.
J.
? - I don't want it.
- That's good enough for me.
- What? - You've got seniority, Pierce.
But I'm a coward.
My insignia is a cringing chicken.
- I don't know how to give orders.
- That's all right.
No one around here knows how to take 'em.
Don't worry.
Radar knows the routine.
- Colonel, how long will you be gone? - No idea.
I've seen these things take an hour or three days.
- We'll leave a marker where the camp was.
- Get some sleep, Commander.
Night, boys.
- [Hacking.]
- Courage, Camille.
- Hawk, I'm truly happy for you.
- So am I.
It's like one of those westerns where the town drunk becomes sheriff.
All right, here's my first command.
You, bubble-cheeks.
Get your steam room and your gargle out of here and into post-op on the double! - I will not.
- You will for your commander! Ten-hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! - I will to get away from my commander.
- Good! Left, left! Right, right! Left, left! Right, right! Well, that wasn't so bad.
[Whistling.]
- [Groans.]
- Ah, welcome to your new job, sir.
Now I know why they shoot people at sunrise.
Who wants to live at 6:00 in the morning? - Hey, Hawkeye, you're not even dressed.
- I have my bars on, don't I? I know, but it doesn't look good you know, for the guys.
- From now on, I want the middle of this desk kept clear.
- Hey! Don't disturb me until lunch.
Lunch is disturbing enough.
How am I doing so far? Thank you.
Come on.
Will you please be serious once? We've got work to do here.
All right.
The first order of the day is a drink.
- Where's the key? - With the colonel, I'm happy to say.
Potter took the key? He doesn't trust me? Well, if you were him and he was you, would you? That's catchy.
Set that to music right away.
Radar, cut an order.
"Cut an order.
" That's pretty good.
- The Officers Club bar will remain open daily from 0500.
- 0500.
And it will never close.
- Corporal Klinger reporting as ordered, sir.
- Who ordered you? My sense of duty, sir.
A soldier's intuition that his new commandant - would like to know how that soldier feels about him.
- Oh, boy.
And I feel just great, sir knowing at last there's somebody behind this desk who understands.
- Klinger - Have I told you lately how splendid you're looking, sir? Did I say splendid? Handsome is the word.
- Oh, boy, you could cut it with a fork.
- Oh, you were built for command.
Those shoulders, broad enough for four stars.
That height.
Commanders should be tall.
- Look down on his men.
- Napoleon didn't do so bad.
Klinger, I'm afraid it is not within my purview to grant you a discharge.
I know that, sir.
But you do have the authority.
Let me put it another way: I'm not allowed.
Good try though.
It shows initiative, persistence and a total grasp of unreality.
- Does this mean you won't? - In spades.
I should've known.
The higher the brass, the lower the class.
Sorry, sir.
That's just the way I see it.
I look forward to your demotion, sir.
That makes two of us.
My door is always closed.
Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir? You know what's wrong with this job? I'm too accessible.
From now on, I want a 24-hour palace guard outside these doors.
Would you like to look at the duty roster now, sir? Also, I want a peasant costume so I can slip in amongst my subjects - and find out what they're saying about me.
- Hawkeye, you gotta sign this! - You sign it.
- That's forgery! Well, forge ahead, Corporal.
Good night.
Margaret, I'm out of water.
- And you want me to get you some.
- Please? Forget it.
There are real patients here with real problems.
They're wounded.
I'm sick.
I'll be by later with a fresh pacifier.
Webster, Webster.
Oh, yes.
I loved your book especially the chase scene where "L" was following "K.
" You're doing just fine so fine that you won't need this drain anymore.
You're gonna take it out? Here? Now? And it won't hurt a bit.
Doc, could you give me something? I don't want to see.
- Too late.
It's already out.
- Oh, really? Good.
Boy, was I scared.
- Now I just have to take out a couple of stitches.
- Oh, no.
- Klinger.
More water.
- I'm a little busy, Major.
- Now, you insubordinate desert riff.
- Riff? With all due respect, sir, may a pregnant camel give birth in your bunk.
Levantine thug! [Wheezing.]
- Doc - Whoa.
Take it easy, Webster.
I'll be finished in a second.
Will someone please bring me some water? Klinger, get that wheelchair over here and roll him out of here.
Your command is my wish, Come, second banana.
Into the chair.
Pierce, you order me in, you order me out.
[Wheezes.]
Make up your mind.
Where do you want me? Black Hole of Calcutta and step on it.
My flag is down, sir.
Despot! - Excuse me, sir, I hate to bother you - Then don't.
Uh, just-just, easy now.
I'm almost there.
Sir, you haven't done your status reports.
Every morning you gotta fill out - your DD-5 and your DD-5-As.
- I DD-do? Unless you fill out your DD-5-As from the day before.
Radar, put all that garbage on my desk.
I'll ignore it later.
- The pile on your desk is almost as high as me.
- Well, how bad can that be? - Uh, Hawkeye? - Whoever said it was lonely at the top? - All right, Father.
What's your problem? - Uh, well, uh The fact of the matter is You see, uh You look busy.
- I am! What do you want? - I don't want to sound critical.
I mean, after all, you are new at the job.
Still, it is turning colder, and we do need them.
- And now seems as good a time as any to - Need what? Blankets.
We're low on blankets.
Every time we send a man back to Seoul, he goes in a blanket.
Sure.
They send the soldiers back here, but never the blankets.
- Eh.
- All right, Father.
I'll get right to it.
The temperature's supposed to drop down 20 degrees tonight.
- Okay, okay.
- Remember, my son, patience is a virtue.
- And you're taxing my virtue.
- But you will get right on it, won't you? [Hawkeye.]
Are you telling me I don't get the blankets until I fill out the requisitions? Look, Major, we're pretty cold up here.
I'll fill 'em out right away.
Plus what else? Oh, yeah.
The DD-5-Ds.
- Center pile.
- Right.
Those are in the mail.
Hey, you can't lie to "l" Corps! Now, what about those blankets? Look, I'm the commanding officer here and I'm not sending anything else out until I see those blankets, and that's final! All right! Don't yell! You'll get your requisitions.
Let's not get into a snit.
You'll drive yourself into a perfect tizzy.
Bye.
I tell ya if I weren't the boss here, I would've told that guy off.
Welcome to the trenches, sir.
This wouldn't have happened if you'd handed me these things instead of piling them on my desk.
- You told me to pile them on your desk! - Well, don't listen to me.
Boy, I hate breaking in a new man! - Howdy, chief.
- Whatever you want, you got it.
- Just allow three days for paperwork.
- I just wanted to say hello.
- In that case, two days.
- In your honor, sir.
A new delicacy - chicken à la commandant.
- With all the temporary power vested in me, no discharge.
Before you say no, sir, please, try the commandant sauce dress green.
Kellye, I gotta get off tonight.
- Take my late duty and then I'll take yours tomorrow night.
- Yeah, sure, no problem.
Baker, you can't trade shifts for tomorrow night.
You've already got a shift mine.
I worked yours last Thursday.
[Overlapping Chatter.]
- No, it doesn't! You said you would work mine - Nurses, what's the problem here? [Chattering Continues.]
All right, all right.
At ease.
I'll settle this right now.
As of now, there'll be no more trading off of shifts.
- The duty roster is the final word.
- [Chattering.]
- The final word! - Hello, I'm your commanding officer, and I must warn you if this arguing keeps up, you'll all be confined to my quarters one at a time.
Excuse me, Commander.
These are my nurses, and I'll handle the situation.
I know, Margaret, but there's an easy way to solve this.
I don't want to butt in - But he can't resist.
- You've gotta compromise.
Baker and Bigelow, take a half night off each.
Kellye, you work a third of a shift, Baker a third, Bigelow a third.
Then tomorrow you reverse the whole thing.
There.
Can I rise to an occasion? - That's the dumbest schedule I ever heard.
- [Chattering.]
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Incoming wounded.
- Choppers and ambulances loaded.
- That settles it.
You're all on duty.
Plasma stat.
Type and cross match for two units of whole blood.
- Can you get a full casualty count? - I'll get a full casualty count.
- Radar, please.
Don't talk while I talk.
- Okay.
- I gotcha.
I'll do exactly what you say.
- Just do what I ask, okay? That's better.
How you doing? You wouldn't happen to be carrying around an extra surgeon, would you? Sorry.
He's in my other jacket.
Margaret, how 'bout one of your nurses over here? Oh, now they're my nurses.
Always ready with the wisecracks, aren't you? - Charles, move it, will ya? - Pierce, please.
I'm going through hell.
Well, go through a little faster.
Radar, what about those blankets? I mailed the requisitions.
They'll probably be here tomorrow.
- Tomorrow? What's wrong with today? - These things take time.
- Tell that to these guys who are out here freezing.
- I feel bad about it too, sir.
- Hawk, go easy on the kid.
He's on your side.
- Yeah, I know.
- Sponge.
[Groans.]
- Sponge.
- Clamp.
[Snorts.]
- Clamp.
- Hanky.
- [Sneezes.]
- Blow and wipe.
- Hunnicutt, I have met a lot of people in my life.
- You are not among them.
[Sneezes.]
- Bless you anyway, creep.
- I think the expression is "God bless you, creep.
" - Amen, Father.
Can we hold it down, please? How can I be expected to drain these miserable sinuses if they keep sending me more wounded? I wouldn't take it, Charles.
Send them back.
Why doesn't somebody tie off his tongue? - Why doesn't somebody stand on yours? - Clamp.
- Clamp.
- For your mouth.
- Will you dry up? - I would love to.
- Will you all shut up? - Ah, another county heard from.
Can we be serious? I want it quiet in here.
- All right.
Knock off the loud bleeding.
- Come on, Hunnicutt.
I got enough to worry about with a room full of wounded and a camp full of headaches.
Not to mention a couple of c.
c.
S of self-pity.
- Look, if you think it's so easy, you do it.
- Why? You're doing so well.
At least I'm trying.
Meantime, you stay in the backseat where you belong.
[All.]
Whoa-ho-ho! [Phone Ringing.]
I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin'.
Yeah, what? No, I mean, 4077 th MASH.
No, Colonel Potter's not Colonel, is that you? Oh, what are you doing up so late, sir? Is it an officers' conference? Oh, what are you doing up so late, sir? Is it an officers' conference? Well, General Imbrie runs a tight ship, so we're all pretty tight.
- How are things at home? - Fine.
Mom's gonna enter her cucumbers in the county fair and Uncle Ed's one of the judges so she might win.
[Laughs.]
No, Radar.
Home where you are at the 4-0 double natural.
- How-How are things? - Oh, uh, great.
Fine.
Pretty good.
When you coming back, sir? Oh, any time now.
How's, uh How's Hawkeye doin'? Uh Uh, he's trying real hard.
When did you say you're coming back? I don't know.
We been listening to Imbrie for two days and, uh, all he's done so far is-is clear his throat.
Well, hurry.
Everybody misses you.
They keep saying, "When's Colonel Potter coming back?" Well, give my best to everybody.
I'll talk t talk to you tomorrow.
Good night, son.
[Laughter.]
Nah.
I think I'll sleep here.
[Man.]
Attention.
Ajeep with single patient wants to meet single doctor on the double.
- Is it bad? Is it bad? - Easy, pal, easy.
No, it's not too bad.
I can get those shell fragments out with eyebrow tweezers.
- I'll take it, sir.
- How'd it happen? Mortar.
I was helping my buddy at the battalion aid station.
- Direct hit.
Got us both.
It killed the aid surgeon.
- Geez, what about your buddy? I think he's hurt worse than I am.
But I was the one bleeding, so they shipped me.
- What makes you think your buddy's hurt so bad? - Well, he's not cut or nothin' - but he's sweatin' and looks gray, ya know? - Stomach hurt? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I touched it and he screamed.
But they thought he was fakin'.
- Fakin', huh? Radar, get him inside.
I'm goin' back up there.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute! Don't you think you'd better tell Captain Pierce where you're going? You tell him.
I can't get an appointment.
Hey, wait a minute.
! That's not S.
O.
P! - This the man who just came in? - Yes, sir.
This is Corporal Hough.
- Hi, Doc.
- Hi.
All right, get B.
J.
On him right away.
Tell him to hurry.
I just got a call.
There's a lot more casualties coming in.
We're gonna be very busy very soon.
- Uh, sir? Excuse me, but about Captain Hunnicutt.
- Yeah, what about him? Don't yell, but you know that jeep that just come in? It just went out again with B.
J.
In it.
- Why? - Well, he went after his buddy.
He's hurt real bad and they left him at the aid station, so he went to get him.
Well, what does he think we get in here, shaving nicks? Look, he didn't know we had more casualties coming in.
Well, he would have if he'd checked with me first.
This is great.
Fantastic.
Potter's not here, B.
J.
's not here Charles has never been here, and I'm left holding the bag.
Nothing personal.
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
Choppers incoming.
Remember, you heard it here first.
Superficial.
He can wait.
Margaret, I'm gonna scrub.
- You finish out here.
- This one has a bad chest wound.
He's shocky.
- He better go in now.
- No, he can't.
- I got two that are worse off, and Charles is already working.
- All right.
I'll start him on whole blood and try to get him stabilized.
We'll manage till you're ready.
Come on, Corpsman! - You know you're beautiful when you're overworked? - Hey, Hawkeye - Colonel Potter's on the phone for you.
- Tell him I'm busy.
- But I brought him all the way out here for you.
- Hello! Colonel Potter, it's you.
It's been so long I didn't recognize your voice.
There's a litter over there.
Get him into pre-op right away.
How's everything in Seoul? Having fun? - Captain Pierce! - Yeah, I'll be right there.
I gotta run, but I just want to say I'm thrilled with the hustle and bustle of command.
The thousand details that clog my days and waste my nights.
- And time permitting, I even tend to a few wounded.
- Captain Pierce! Gotta run.
Been nice chatting with you.
Why don't you drop in if you're in the neighborhood? I gotta get back home.
Gentlemen, tell the general we should do this again sometime after the war.
Well, Doctor, as much as I hate to admit it, you ran that siege pretty well.
We were great for half a staff.
Damn that Hunnicutt.
Where is he? Technically he's AWOL, ya know? I could throw the book at him.
I don't believe what I'm hearing! Since when did you join the army? - Since it was left to me.
- If only Frank Burns could see you now.
It's not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it? - You finished, Major? - Just one more thing.
- Permission to say, "It serves you right, sir.
" - Permission denied.
Dismissed.
Easy with him.
If the ride didn't kill him, he's still got a chance.
- Prep him fast.
- How is he? - Severe internal bleeding.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
- Good.
Now, what the hell were you doing? - You think you can just waltz out of here anytime you want? - Not now, Hawk.
Don't give me "not now.
" While you were driving around playing hero we were trying to patch together a whole platoon with only two doctors.
Hey, I wasn't joy riding.
When I go up to an aid station, it's because I'm needed.
You should've checked with me first.
What you did was wrong.
I did exactly what Captain Pierce would have done.
I don't know about Commander Pierce.
I don't even know Commander Pierce and I'm not sure I want to.
[Door Opens.]
So that's how I look behind that desk.
Yuck.
Ah, returning to the scene of the crime.
I hereby give back your command, sir.
If you're interested, I've prepared a detailed report on what you can do with it.
I'll wait till the movie comes out.
Have a good time with the boys in Seoul? Lots of parties? Generals jumping out of cakes? Well, while you were out gallivanting, I was cooped up here with the children.
The young clerk with the paper fetish.
The Lebanese Machiavelli in a garter belt.
Not to mention my roomie, who can't just wait for business to come in.
- He's gotta go out and find it.
- They are a pesky bunch, aren't they? If you let these people have dessert tonight, you're crazy.
- Can we water down that temper tantrum? - I don't want to.
- I like being mad.
- But you're not in charge anymore.
I am.
And that's another thing! You could have at least left me the key to the liquor cabinet.
Are you kidding? Look what you're like sober.
- To a job well done.
- Don't try to make up to me.
- [Glass Taps Table.]
- Want another? - I've wanted another for days.
- Down this one.
We'll take the bottle with us.
- Where? - To your place.
Hunnicutt could probably use a belt.
No, thank you! One thing I've learned on this job: Never fraternize with your subordinates.
It leads to insubordination.
Will you relax? You're gonna throw a shoe.
- You don't know what's been going on here! - Oh, don't I? - Come on.
To the 4077 th.
- They're all yours.
- Hi, Hunnicutt.
I'm home.
- Colonel, come on in.
- Brought you a snort.
- Hey, thanks.
- A little change from Uncle Ben's perverted rice juice.
- Hm! You two do know each other, don't you? - Yeah, we've met, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Colonel, I'm glad you're back.
- I can't tell you how glad I am you're back.
- What's that supposed to mean? - It means I'm glad he's back.
- Down the hatch.
You just won't admit that going out there without telling me was the wrong thing to do.
I did what I thought was right.
You're only angry because somebody else made a decision.
- It's my job to make the decisions.
- Was your job.
- Up the rebels! - I think the real reason you did it was to spite me.
Spite you? I don't believe this.
How do you get your head through doorways with that ego? You just won't admit you couldn't handle it.
You see what I've been putting up with? Do you have any idea what he's been like the last couple of days? - Genghis Khan was bigger laughs.
- In your eye! Considering what I had to work with, I think I did a damn good job.
- Well, that makes one of you.
- Oh, yeah? - If you weren't so busy trying to undermine my authority - [Sarcastic Laugh.]
Why aren't you helping me? You should be right in the middle of this.
You're the commander.
And I'm acting like one, staying out of it till I'm needed.
It's all in the timing, son.
There's a time to step in and a time to back off.
Pull the reins too tight and the horse'll buck.
You had good people under you.
You should've let 'em go through their paces.
You know, this is pretty good.
Someone should be writing this down.
To my golden tongue! - Okay, okay.
Let's say I overreacted a little.
- Let's say a lot.
- Amen.
- And you.
- Yeah! You're lucky you didn't run off when I was here, or your fanny'd be hanging from the flagpole.
Well, don't sit there like a couple of moon calves.
Drink up and shake hands already.
That's an order, boys.
Do you know how ridiculous you two look? You wanna make nice? - [Laughs.]
- Well, next time I'll know what to do.
- Hopefully there won't be a next time.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, no.
- Oh, come on.
Will you get off it? - No, no, no, no, no.
You meant something by that.
What was it? - [Mutters.]
- Come on.
What was it? - Nothing! For cryin' out loud! You are really a pip.
- You know that? - All that good whiskey shot to hell.
- I'm a pip? - You are a pip.
Because I don't want you to talk to me like - Generalissimo Benjamin Franklin Pierce is what you - Just a minute! I'm sorry about all these forms, sir - but Captain Pierce got us about two days behind.
- Don't hold a grudge, Radar.
Colonel, we have to do something about the shower schedule.
The men are always booked in first.
By the time my nurses get in, there isn't any hot water.
Besides, they leave the place a shambles.
Are you listening to me? Your nurses are taking cold showers, and the men are leaving the place a mess.
- What are you gonna do about it, Colonel? - As soon as I can I'll look into the ladies' shower, so to speak.
I hope so.
And thank God you're back, sir.
Dismissed, and thank you, Margaret.
- Colonel, I missed you.
- No.
- About my heart murmurs, sir - No.
- My double vision is coming back.
- No.
- I've fallen in love with a goat.
- No.
- Glad to have you back, sir.
- Well, that just about does it, sir.
- I'll send these right off.
Well done.
- Don't mention it.
Oh, and, Radar, one other thing.
Bring me back a tall bicarbonate of soda.
- This place is gonna drive me nuts.
- Yes, sir.