Not Going Out (2006) s07e01 Episode Script
Mugging
# We're not going out # We're not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out # We are not going out I can't believe that you sat through the whole of that film whilst knitting.
I like to keep my hands busy during a film - it helps me relax.
I used that excuse when I was watching Basic Instinct, but they still threw me out.
So what did you think of it? Well, it wouldn't have been my choice.
-So? So, I'm supposed to be watching a film, not reading a book.
I mean, when I'm choosing a book, I don't go for one with just loads of pictures in it.
Yes, you do.
I'll hail a cab.
Hang on, it's a nice evening.
Maybe, we could walk back.
Veux-tu promenader avec moi? Oui, le petit poison est sur la table.
Pourquoi pas? Apres tout, c'est un soir d'ete chaud et le clair de lune est magnifique.
Oui le petit poison est sur la table.
Come on then, let's do it.
It's a nice night.
Pain au chocolate.
Are you sure this is the right way? Why don't these places ever have signs? Well, there's a number to ring here if you want hard action tonight.
Well, that's not very helpful.
I know, how are you supposed to get a signal down here? Uh-oh.
Don't worry, they're just kids.
When I was their age, I was always hanging around underground places like this.
You're from the north.
You were probably down a pit.
Come on, let's just go another way.
Don't be silly.
You're with me.
I know how to handle myself.
Please, no more of the Basic Instinct story.
Thing to do is walk through here like you own the place.
You certainly look like a man who owns a subway full of urine.
Oh.
That was pretty good, wasn't it? I'd be surprised if Len Goodman doesn't give us a seven for that.
Sorry, can't let you through the tunnel without paying the tunnel tax.
-The what? -The tunnel tax.
You want to go through, then you got to pay.
Come on, Lee, we'll go a different way.
Well, you see the thing is you're already in the tunnel, so you're going to have to pay the tax.
Have you ever thought of working for Ryanair? Look, we don't have any money.
So what's in the bag then? -Nothing.
Just some knitting.
That's all right.
We love a bit of knitting don't we, lads? I thought they warned you lot about sharing needles.
There, see? I'm only messing with you, sweetheart.
Go on, put knitting away.
I'll take the whole bag.
Hey! Give it back! Don't worry, Lucy, I'll deal with this, and don't try to stop me.
You're not going to.
Right Oi! Get back here! I'm going to do you a favour, Lee.
You want to look like the big man in front of your wife? She's not my wife.
-Whatever, your girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend either.
All right, some random woman that you're banging.
All right, let's go with that.
So here's your chance to be the big man.
I'll fight you for the bag.
Yeah, because nothing says raw, unfettered masculinity like two men fighting over a handbag.
Your choiceLee.
That's not fair.
I don't know your name.
They call me Razorblade.
Oh, that was my mother's name.
Well, Jeannette the best a man can get.
They call me Razorblade because I know how to use one.
Well, that'll come in handy when you reach puberty.
What did you say? -Nothing.
You're lucky! -Why am I lucky? Well, because you have won a free handbag.
Well done.
I think you're right, Lucy, maybe we should go the other way.
Well, usually the chances of recovering property in these circumstances are slim, but you say your bag contained a tracker.
What kind exactly? Chocolate chip.
I see.
So, can you describe this gang? Er yeah, there was about five of them.
-There were three.
Was there? I didn't notice.
I was too busy tackling the ringleader.
What makes you think he was the ringleader? Because he had a top hat and he was carrying a whip, and he was stood on the back of a horse.
He was armed with a whip? No, there was no weapon.
-No weapon.
Hang on, he could have head butted me.
There's your weapon.
OK, I'll make a note of that.
"Suspect had a head.
" So, can you describe this ringleader? Er, yeah, same as the others.
White, about 19 years old More like 15.
-Well, he was at least 16 or 17.
So, why did you say he was 19? Cos by the time you arrest him he probably will be.
Sir, you have to be as accurate as possible in your description.
It doesn't help us if you over dramatise.
I'm not over dramatising.
Height? -About 6' 7".
I'd say about 5' 8".
Well, he looked taller than that from where I was.
Where were you, on your knees? Yes, I was in a dark underpass, in front of a young man carrying a handbag and I was on my knees.
So, we've got three to five white boys, between 15 and 19, from 5' 8" to 6' 7".
Well, I'll just pop off and arrest One Direction and we're sorted.
Are you sure you're not a strip-a-gram? Well, we'll do our best and we'll be in touch.
Sorry? Why aren't you going out now and arresting these people? Well, your description is a little vague, sir, and we don't prioritise knitting thieves.
Well, you should.
They might be following a pattern.
You're up and out early.
I popped out to buy something.
-What? -Nothing really.
I just felt bad about you having your handbag taken so I thought, until you get round to replacing it with one you really like, you can at least use this.
So, how are you feeling? Well, I'm still quite angry but there's nothing we can do, I suppose.
Yeah, I think we should just forget about it and move on.
Yeah.
Although it's hard, especially when someone who should help turns out to be useless.
Pardon? -The policewoman.
-Right.
You know, someone who should be there to make you feel protected, but doesn't come up with the goods.
Police again, right? -Yeah.
And to top it all off, I wake up this morning to find somebody left the freezer door open last night and all the food has defrosted.
Bloody police.
So, is that all you're annoyed about? Me leaving the freezer open? Yeah.
-Good.
Oh, my God! Are you all right? I came as soon as I heard.
You must be feeling terrible! She's fine.
-Yeah, I know she's fine.
I mean you.
Being humiliated like that and all those people knowing.
What people? -Oh, sorry.
I might have told a few people.
Well, it's a shame I wasn't with you, Lucy.
I would have seen them off.
-Yeah, right (!) Have I never told you about the time I was mugged at a cashpoint? Well, there he was demanding I take money out of my account, and in the panic I forgot my PIN.
God, what happened? Well, luckily I remembered it just in time, pulled it out of my hair and stabbed him in the throat with it.
Thanks, Beatrix Potter, but I preferred your old stuff.
If you want my advice, Lucy, you should tool up.
-Tool up? Yeah, you can see off a criminal by spraying them with pepper.
Yeah, and if that doesn't work, you can sprinkle them with Parmesan.
All right, Lee.
It's all good mocking, but at least she's trying to help.
-Oh, I see.
Daisy, can I have little talk with Lucy? -Yeah, that's fine.
Alone.
-Oh.
Just say it.
-Say what? You know what.
The elephant in the room.
-What elephant? Or has he been nicked as well? First a bag, now a trunk.
All right, I'll go first.
I think what happened was my fault and I think you think that, too.
-No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're angry because I did nothing.
No, I'm not.
You did everything you could.
Oh, I see.
So you don't think I'm not capable of defending you? Oh, Lee, I didn't say that.
I think you're perfectly capable of defending me.
Oh, right.
So, you think I'm capable of defending you - I just didn't bother.
Lee, let it go.
I don't think anything bad about you.
It wasn't all your fault.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What do you mean it wasn't ALL fault? It wasn't my fault at all! Well, you just said it was! I just said that to get the truth out of you and it worked.
I wish these powers I had over women worked in other departments! I just meant that another person might have dealt with the situation a little bit differently.
Ah, and there it is.
We got there in the end.
Euston, the eagle has landed.
It's Houston, not Euston.
Unless, of course, you were at a falconry exhibition at a London train station.
You think that I should toughen up.
Absolute nonsense.
Where are you going? To the boxing gym, to do something I should have done years ago.
You do know we've got a shower, don't you? You look new.
You don't.
I want some boxing training.
-Fill this in.
Well, this is a 12-month contract.
I'm only coming until I've put some muscle on and learnt to look after myself.
Oh.
You might want the three-year contract.
Well, don't forget your bank details.
Can't I just pay as I go along? Oh, no.
I've seen the likes of you before.
They usually give up after a week.
What do you reckon are the chances of you still being here in a year's time? Better than yours, love.
Right, where's me trainer? Excuse me.
-Yeah? I want to learn how to fight.
-Why? I had a bit of a run-in with a dodgy character who took all my money, but enough about your receptionist.
A friend of mine got mugged.
I want to be prepared if it happens again.
So when do I start sparring? You're going nowhere near that ring until we get you fit.
Now we're going to be doing the lot - abs, crunches, V-sits, bicep curls, tricep dips On second thoughts, why don't you just come and beat this guy up for me? THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS You been at the gym again? Or was it another mugging, but this time he took your clothes? He wouldn't need my clothes, would he? He's out there somewhere knitting his own.
If you must know, yes, I have been for a quick workout.
Nothing major today, just a few ab-dabs, re-sits, diddly squats, some bi-curious and a triceratops.
All right, I don't know right lingo, but my trainer says I'm making huge strides.
Well, if you can't fight, I suppose running away is a good option.
Aren't you a bit old for boxing, Lee? Er, Sonny Liston was my age when he took on Muhammad Ali.
Are you sure about that? -All right, maybe not.
But Frank Bruno was my age when he took on Aladdin.
Well, I think it's ridiculous.
-Look, I just don't want to stand by and watch criminals take advantage of you.
And now that I'm boxing, next time I'll be ready.
I've actually got my first sparring session tomorrow.
You can come and watch if you like.
-No, thanks.
If I want to see you dazed and confused, I'll ask you to cook me a hot meal without using the kettle.
Come on, I think you'll be impressed.
My trainer's even given me a boxing nickname, the Radiator.
Because you bleed a lot? No, because I radiate confidence.
And if you lay a finger on me, you get A slightly warm finger.
Lee, I'm not going to stand and watch you demonstrate your distorted view of what a real man should be.
There are other ways you could prove your manhood, you know.
Sorry, Lucy, no sex before a fight.
I don't think you should fight.
-I'm still not having sex with you.
Lee, seriously, please think about what I'm saying.
All right, but just a quick one.
A real man would stop trying to prove himself.
He'd let it go and move on with his life.
Well, maybe I need to prove myself first and then I will be able to move on with my life.
Please.
And do you then promise to let the whole thing drop.
Yes.
OK, I'll come and watch you.
-Thanks.
And it's only fair.
I mean, after all I came and watched you when you were doing those Zumba classes.
Yeah, but you weren't supposed to.
Exactly.
Took a lot of effort shimmying up that drainpipe especially with one hand.
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, my God! I think you're ready for this.
No chance.
I'm not doing it.
Just stay focused.
You can do this.
Against her? I want to fight a man! You're not good enough to fight a man.
All right, a blind man.
Anyone but her.
She's a child, for God's sake.
She can handle herself.
And don't be afraid of hitting her.
I can't hit her - she'll phone Esther Rantzen.
Seconds out.
BELL RINGS Come on, Lee! Tear her bloody face off! Don't be nervous, sweetheart.
I don't want to hit you and you don't want to hit me.
All right, you do want to hit me.
Stop it.
Stop it! I mean it, I'll tell your dad.
Right, I'm having you for that.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yeah! That's it, Lee! Draw the bitch in, let her think she's winning! It's OK, Lee.
It's all over.
She can't hurt you now.
Yeah, she's too young to come in to pubs.
Yes, well spotted, she was a kid.
That's actually why I held back.
I'm getting another drink, do you want one? Are you sure? -Yeah, why? Well, it's just that you don't usually make it past the first round.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, you did your best, and that's what counts.
Don't patronise me.
You think I'm a wimp, don't you? Course I don't.
That girl was very talented.
Oh, I see.
So you're not surprised I got beaten by a girl.
I didn't say that.
I just thought you might last a few more rounds maybe.
And there it is.
Here we go again, the hawk has landed at Marylebone.
I've let you down again, haven't I? Oh, for God's sake, Lee, didn't you promise to get over this obsession today? Well, guess what? I'm going to do something about it.
Where are you going? -Never you mind.
And I'm certainly not staying here and listening to jokes at my expense.
Oh, no, that's not fair.
I've got one about CBeebies having the pay-per-view rights to the fight.
Can I just do that one before you go? Please, Daisy, be my guest.
So, guess who's got the pay-per-view rights to the fight? CBeebies? Oh, have you already heard it? I thought I'd find you here.
What do you want? Let's just say I'm not here to do a shadow puppet show Although if I had to I could, I'm actually pretty good at that.
I want the bag back.
And what if I say no? Oh, don't worry, I can be very persuasive.
Go on, then persuade me.
All right, I will.
You give me the bag back and I'll give you 100 quid.
What? I'll come back here tomorrow night with my landlady, I demand the bag, you hand it over, I slip you the money.
Am I meant to act scared? Of you? Well, pretend I'm something you do find scary, like daylight or broccoli.
All right, whatever you say.
It's your money.
Tomorrow night, nine o'clock.
Oh, and just one other thing before I go.
Woof-woof.
CLAPPING Where've you been? I've been worried sick about you.
I've been having a think about what you said and you're right.
I need to forget about what happened, move on, stop blaming myself.
-At last.
And to help me do that, I think I need to pay one final visit to the scene of the crime.
Oh, you're like a dog with a bone, aren't you? Well, like me old Nan used to say, "Better to be a dog with a bone, "than a cat with a packet of Jammy Dodgers.
" What's that supposed to mean? It meant it was time for Nan to go into the home.
I just think if we go back there it'll help me exorcise my demons.
"We"? Yeah, I thought you might like to come with me.
-No chance.
I just think having you there will give me the confidence to face my fear.
That's right, fear.
I've decided it's not a dirty word.
Well, it is if you say - BLEEP - fear.
I need to do this, Lucy.
OK.
I'll come.
But after we've done it, this really is the end of it.
We never talk about it again.
Understand? Of course.
And thanks.
Are you not worried we'll run in to those lads? No, I doubt very much they'll be there again.
And even if they are, so what? I know I'll always be safe with you.
I thought I made you feel safe? You do.
This is just a little bit of insurance.
"Say hello to my little friend.
" To be fair, I have used that line on young men in subways and I find they do run off.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
Oh, let's go.
No chance.
No more running.
Stay here, ugly.
Things might get Lucy.
Oh, for God's sake.
What do you want? You stole this lady's handbag.
So? So give it back.
No.
Good.
Make it look like you're not playing along.
I said give back the handbag.
I ain't got the handbag.
Nice.
What? You said you'd have the bag.
And you said you've got 100 quid.
I have got 100 quid.
Good.
That's today's tunnel tax.
Come on, 100 quid.
He hasn't got 100 quid.
So what's this then? She's got a baseball bat, you know.
-Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
It's been a pleasure doing business with you again.
How did you know he had ã100? Well, that will be all for today if you'd like to be on your merry way.
I can't let you get away with this, Lee.
It's dishonest.
We set all this up yesterday.
He said he'd bring 100 quid if I brought you your handbag.
Where did you even get 100 quid? It doesn't matter.
But on a completely unrelated note, I can't pay you any rent this week.
Unbelievable.
Oh, you're just going to walk back on your own are you? Late at night? Yes! Wait for me.
How could you do that? -What? Lie to me.
Give that criminal more money.
Put me in danger again.
You know before, you said when we get back we should move on and never talk about this again? Yeah? -Can we do that? -Oh, no, you don't.
Look, I was only trying to get your handbag back.
No, you weren't.
You were trying to trick me into thinking you had a backbone.
Oh, and there it is.
So, in other words, you're saying I'm a coward.
No, Lee, not in other words.
In those exact words.
You are a great big chicken, followed by a huge yellow plate of wobbly jelly, all topped off with cowardly custard and purchased from the Scaredycat branch of Wimpy.
Well, at least I'm not a great big knitter, followed by a huge plate of excessive freezer defrosted complaints, all topped off with a massive bowl of chocolate chip Tracker scoffing, French film watching bullshit.
All right, it wasn't as good as yours.
KNOCK ON DOOR If you're looking for Muhammad Ali, he's gone to his bedroom to float like a butterfly and cry like a girl.
Is that her? Yeah.
This is my grandson, Raymond.
Raymond's got something for you, haven't you? Well, isn't there something you wanted to say? HE MUMBLES Pardon? I'm sorry I stole your friend's money and your bag.
I found that all that in Raymond's bedroom.
Luckily your address was in there.
Well, I suppose I should at least thank you for returning Don't thank him! He's a thieving little twat! Well, I suppose at least he was honest enough to Honesty didn't come in to it.
I made the little bugger come.
Well, at least he agreed, so I suppose Please stop talking.
If there's anything missing, you let me know.
Oh, come on, you little arsehole.
KNOCK ON DOOR I forgot about your knitting needles.
Sorry.
Oh, right, so now we're doing home visits for muggings now, are we? You little bastard! CRASH Oh, yeah? Do you want some? Hey? Wait! He wasn't Lee, stop! Lee! Leave him! You've got it all wrong! You mouthy little git, I'm going to tunnel tax your teeth so far down your throat.
-Help! Nan! -Oi! Get off him! Pick on someone your own size, you little sod! If you ever lay a finger on my grandson again, I will bloody kill you! -Argh! Now who's the least likely to be around this time next year? Well, they were a lovely family, weren't they? I don't know whether to report them to the police or give their details to The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Well, I'd steer clear of the police given that it was you who attacked him.
I walked into the room and I thought I saw a mugger threatening you with a dangerous weapon.
What did you expect me to do? On past form, start giving him money.
Well, it's been a lovely week, hasn't it? I've been mugged by a teenager, twice, beaten up by a girl and assaulted by a pensioner.
Some people pay good money for that kind of humiliation.
Well, I think what you did was really brave.
It might have been a misunderstanding, but you didn't know that.
So can you finally accept that you're a real man and move on? Yeah, I suppose.
Here, let me do that.
Ooh! .
:: PRiJEVODi ONLiNE ::.
I like to keep my hands busy during a film - it helps me relax.
I used that excuse when I was watching Basic Instinct, but they still threw me out.
So what did you think of it? Well, it wouldn't have been my choice.
-So? So, I'm supposed to be watching a film, not reading a book.
I mean, when I'm choosing a book, I don't go for one with just loads of pictures in it.
Yes, you do.
I'll hail a cab.
Hang on, it's a nice evening.
Maybe, we could walk back.
Veux-tu promenader avec moi? Oui, le petit poison est sur la table.
Pourquoi pas? Apres tout, c'est un soir d'ete chaud et le clair de lune est magnifique.
Oui le petit poison est sur la table.
Come on then, let's do it.
It's a nice night.
Pain au chocolate.
Are you sure this is the right way? Why don't these places ever have signs? Well, there's a number to ring here if you want hard action tonight.
Well, that's not very helpful.
I know, how are you supposed to get a signal down here? Uh-oh.
Don't worry, they're just kids.
When I was their age, I was always hanging around underground places like this.
You're from the north.
You were probably down a pit.
Come on, let's just go another way.
Don't be silly.
You're with me.
I know how to handle myself.
Please, no more of the Basic Instinct story.
Thing to do is walk through here like you own the place.
You certainly look like a man who owns a subway full of urine.
Oh.
That was pretty good, wasn't it? I'd be surprised if Len Goodman doesn't give us a seven for that.
Sorry, can't let you through the tunnel without paying the tunnel tax.
-The what? -The tunnel tax.
You want to go through, then you got to pay.
Come on, Lee, we'll go a different way.
Well, you see the thing is you're already in the tunnel, so you're going to have to pay the tax.
Have you ever thought of working for Ryanair? Look, we don't have any money.
So what's in the bag then? -Nothing.
Just some knitting.
That's all right.
We love a bit of knitting don't we, lads? I thought they warned you lot about sharing needles.
There, see? I'm only messing with you, sweetheart.
Go on, put knitting away.
I'll take the whole bag.
Hey! Give it back! Don't worry, Lucy, I'll deal with this, and don't try to stop me.
You're not going to.
Right Oi! Get back here! I'm going to do you a favour, Lee.
You want to look like the big man in front of your wife? She's not my wife.
-Whatever, your girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend either.
All right, some random woman that you're banging.
All right, let's go with that.
So here's your chance to be the big man.
I'll fight you for the bag.
Yeah, because nothing says raw, unfettered masculinity like two men fighting over a handbag.
Your choiceLee.
That's not fair.
I don't know your name.
They call me Razorblade.
Oh, that was my mother's name.
Well, Jeannette the best a man can get.
They call me Razorblade because I know how to use one.
Well, that'll come in handy when you reach puberty.
What did you say? -Nothing.
You're lucky! -Why am I lucky? Well, because you have won a free handbag.
Well done.
I think you're right, Lucy, maybe we should go the other way.
Well, usually the chances of recovering property in these circumstances are slim, but you say your bag contained a tracker.
What kind exactly? Chocolate chip.
I see.
So, can you describe this gang? Er yeah, there was about five of them.
-There were three.
Was there? I didn't notice.
I was too busy tackling the ringleader.
What makes you think he was the ringleader? Because he had a top hat and he was carrying a whip, and he was stood on the back of a horse.
He was armed with a whip? No, there was no weapon.
-No weapon.
Hang on, he could have head butted me.
There's your weapon.
OK, I'll make a note of that.
"Suspect had a head.
" So, can you describe this ringleader? Er, yeah, same as the others.
White, about 19 years old More like 15.
-Well, he was at least 16 or 17.
So, why did you say he was 19? Cos by the time you arrest him he probably will be.
Sir, you have to be as accurate as possible in your description.
It doesn't help us if you over dramatise.
I'm not over dramatising.
Height? -About 6' 7".
I'd say about 5' 8".
Well, he looked taller than that from where I was.
Where were you, on your knees? Yes, I was in a dark underpass, in front of a young man carrying a handbag and I was on my knees.
So, we've got three to five white boys, between 15 and 19, from 5' 8" to 6' 7".
Well, I'll just pop off and arrest One Direction and we're sorted.
Are you sure you're not a strip-a-gram? Well, we'll do our best and we'll be in touch.
Sorry? Why aren't you going out now and arresting these people? Well, your description is a little vague, sir, and we don't prioritise knitting thieves.
Well, you should.
They might be following a pattern.
You're up and out early.
I popped out to buy something.
-What? -Nothing really.
I just felt bad about you having your handbag taken so I thought, until you get round to replacing it with one you really like, you can at least use this.
So, how are you feeling? Well, I'm still quite angry but there's nothing we can do, I suppose.
Yeah, I think we should just forget about it and move on.
Yeah.
Although it's hard, especially when someone who should help turns out to be useless.
Pardon? -The policewoman.
-Right.
You know, someone who should be there to make you feel protected, but doesn't come up with the goods.
Police again, right? -Yeah.
And to top it all off, I wake up this morning to find somebody left the freezer door open last night and all the food has defrosted.
Bloody police.
So, is that all you're annoyed about? Me leaving the freezer open? Yeah.
-Good.
Oh, my God! Are you all right? I came as soon as I heard.
You must be feeling terrible! She's fine.
-Yeah, I know she's fine.
I mean you.
Being humiliated like that and all those people knowing.
What people? -Oh, sorry.
I might have told a few people.
Well, it's a shame I wasn't with you, Lucy.
I would have seen them off.
-Yeah, right (!) Have I never told you about the time I was mugged at a cashpoint? Well, there he was demanding I take money out of my account, and in the panic I forgot my PIN.
God, what happened? Well, luckily I remembered it just in time, pulled it out of my hair and stabbed him in the throat with it.
Thanks, Beatrix Potter, but I preferred your old stuff.
If you want my advice, Lucy, you should tool up.
-Tool up? Yeah, you can see off a criminal by spraying them with pepper.
Yeah, and if that doesn't work, you can sprinkle them with Parmesan.
All right, Lee.
It's all good mocking, but at least she's trying to help.
-Oh, I see.
Daisy, can I have little talk with Lucy? -Yeah, that's fine.
Alone.
-Oh.
Just say it.
-Say what? You know what.
The elephant in the room.
-What elephant? Or has he been nicked as well? First a bag, now a trunk.
All right, I'll go first.
I think what happened was my fault and I think you think that, too.
-No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
You're angry because I did nothing.
No, I'm not.
You did everything you could.
Oh, I see.
So you don't think I'm not capable of defending you? Oh, Lee, I didn't say that.
I think you're perfectly capable of defending me.
Oh, right.
So, you think I'm capable of defending you - I just didn't bother.
Lee, let it go.
I don't think anything bad about you.
It wasn't all your fault.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What do you mean it wasn't ALL fault? It wasn't my fault at all! Well, you just said it was! I just said that to get the truth out of you and it worked.
I wish these powers I had over women worked in other departments! I just meant that another person might have dealt with the situation a little bit differently.
Ah, and there it is.
We got there in the end.
Euston, the eagle has landed.
It's Houston, not Euston.
Unless, of course, you were at a falconry exhibition at a London train station.
You think that I should toughen up.
Absolute nonsense.
Where are you going? To the boxing gym, to do something I should have done years ago.
You do know we've got a shower, don't you? You look new.
You don't.
I want some boxing training.
-Fill this in.
Well, this is a 12-month contract.
I'm only coming until I've put some muscle on and learnt to look after myself.
Oh.
You might want the three-year contract.
Well, don't forget your bank details.
Can't I just pay as I go along? Oh, no.
I've seen the likes of you before.
They usually give up after a week.
What do you reckon are the chances of you still being here in a year's time? Better than yours, love.
Right, where's me trainer? Excuse me.
-Yeah? I want to learn how to fight.
-Why? I had a bit of a run-in with a dodgy character who took all my money, but enough about your receptionist.
A friend of mine got mugged.
I want to be prepared if it happens again.
So when do I start sparring? You're going nowhere near that ring until we get you fit.
Now we're going to be doing the lot - abs, crunches, V-sits, bicep curls, tricep dips On second thoughts, why don't you just come and beat this guy up for me? THEME FROM ROCKY PLAYS You been at the gym again? Or was it another mugging, but this time he took your clothes? He wouldn't need my clothes, would he? He's out there somewhere knitting his own.
If you must know, yes, I have been for a quick workout.
Nothing major today, just a few ab-dabs, re-sits, diddly squats, some bi-curious and a triceratops.
All right, I don't know right lingo, but my trainer says I'm making huge strides.
Well, if you can't fight, I suppose running away is a good option.
Aren't you a bit old for boxing, Lee? Er, Sonny Liston was my age when he took on Muhammad Ali.
Are you sure about that? -All right, maybe not.
But Frank Bruno was my age when he took on Aladdin.
Well, I think it's ridiculous.
-Look, I just don't want to stand by and watch criminals take advantage of you.
And now that I'm boxing, next time I'll be ready.
I've actually got my first sparring session tomorrow.
You can come and watch if you like.
-No, thanks.
If I want to see you dazed and confused, I'll ask you to cook me a hot meal without using the kettle.
Come on, I think you'll be impressed.
My trainer's even given me a boxing nickname, the Radiator.
Because you bleed a lot? No, because I radiate confidence.
And if you lay a finger on me, you get A slightly warm finger.
Lee, I'm not going to stand and watch you demonstrate your distorted view of what a real man should be.
There are other ways you could prove your manhood, you know.
Sorry, Lucy, no sex before a fight.
I don't think you should fight.
-I'm still not having sex with you.
Lee, seriously, please think about what I'm saying.
All right, but just a quick one.
A real man would stop trying to prove himself.
He'd let it go and move on with his life.
Well, maybe I need to prove myself first and then I will be able to move on with my life.
Please.
And do you then promise to let the whole thing drop.
Yes.
OK, I'll come and watch you.
-Thanks.
And it's only fair.
I mean, after all I came and watched you when you were doing those Zumba classes.
Yeah, but you weren't supposed to.
Exactly.
Took a lot of effort shimmying up that drainpipe especially with one hand.
You have got to be kidding me.
Oh, my God! I think you're ready for this.
No chance.
I'm not doing it.
Just stay focused.
You can do this.
Against her? I want to fight a man! You're not good enough to fight a man.
All right, a blind man.
Anyone but her.
She's a child, for God's sake.
She can handle herself.
And don't be afraid of hitting her.
I can't hit her - she'll phone Esther Rantzen.
Seconds out.
BELL RINGS Come on, Lee! Tear her bloody face off! Don't be nervous, sweetheart.
I don't want to hit you and you don't want to hit me.
All right, you do want to hit me.
Stop it.
Stop it! I mean it, I'll tell your dad.
Right, I'm having you for that.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Yeah! That's it, Lee! Draw the bitch in, let her think she's winning! It's OK, Lee.
It's all over.
She can't hurt you now.
Yeah, she's too young to come in to pubs.
Yes, well spotted, she was a kid.
That's actually why I held back.
I'm getting another drink, do you want one? Are you sure? -Yeah, why? Well, it's just that you don't usually make it past the first round.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, you did your best, and that's what counts.
Don't patronise me.
You think I'm a wimp, don't you? Course I don't.
That girl was very talented.
Oh, I see.
So you're not surprised I got beaten by a girl.
I didn't say that.
I just thought you might last a few more rounds maybe.
And there it is.
Here we go again, the hawk has landed at Marylebone.
I've let you down again, haven't I? Oh, for God's sake, Lee, didn't you promise to get over this obsession today? Well, guess what? I'm going to do something about it.
Where are you going? -Never you mind.
And I'm certainly not staying here and listening to jokes at my expense.
Oh, no, that's not fair.
I've got one about CBeebies having the pay-per-view rights to the fight.
Can I just do that one before you go? Please, Daisy, be my guest.
So, guess who's got the pay-per-view rights to the fight? CBeebies? Oh, have you already heard it? I thought I'd find you here.
What do you want? Let's just say I'm not here to do a shadow puppet show Although if I had to I could, I'm actually pretty good at that.
I want the bag back.
And what if I say no? Oh, don't worry, I can be very persuasive.
Go on, then persuade me.
All right, I will.
You give me the bag back and I'll give you 100 quid.
What? I'll come back here tomorrow night with my landlady, I demand the bag, you hand it over, I slip you the money.
Am I meant to act scared? Of you? Well, pretend I'm something you do find scary, like daylight or broccoli.
All right, whatever you say.
It's your money.
Tomorrow night, nine o'clock.
Oh, and just one other thing before I go.
Woof-woof.
CLAPPING Where've you been? I've been worried sick about you.
I've been having a think about what you said and you're right.
I need to forget about what happened, move on, stop blaming myself.
-At last.
And to help me do that, I think I need to pay one final visit to the scene of the crime.
Oh, you're like a dog with a bone, aren't you? Well, like me old Nan used to say, "Better to be a dog with a bone, "than a cat with a packet of Jammy Dodgers.
" What's that supposed to mean? It meant it was time for Nan to go into the home.
I just think if we go back there it'll help me exorcise my demons.
"We"? Yeah, I thought you might like to come with me.
-No chance.
I just think having you there will give me the confidence to face my fear.
That's right, fear.
I've decided it's not a dirty word.
Well, it is if you say - BLEEP - fear.
I need to do this, Lucy.
OK.
I'll come.
But after we've done it, this really is the end of it.
We never talk about it again.
Understand? Of course.
And thanks.
Are you not worried we'll run in to those lads? No, I doubt very much they'll be there again.
And even if they are, so what? I know I'll always be safe with you.
I thought I made you feel safe? You do.
This is just a little bit of insurance.
"Say hello to my little friend.
" To be fair, I have used that line on young men in subways and I find they do run off.
Well, well, well.
Look who it is.
Oh, let's go.
No chance.
No more running.
Stay here, ugly.
Things might get Lucy.
Oh, for God's sake.
What do you want? You stole this lady's handbag.
So? So give it back.
No.
Good.
Make it look like you're not playing along.
I said give back the handbag.
I ain't got the handbag.
Nice.
What? You said you'd have the bag.
And you said you've got 100 quid.
I have got 100 quid.
Good.
That's today's tunnel tax.
Come on, 100 quid.
He hasn't got 100 quid.
So what's this then? She's got a baseball bat, you know.
-Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
It's been a pleasure doing business with you again.
How did you know he had ã100? Well, that will be all for today if you'd like to be on your merry way.
I can't let you get away with this, Lee.
It's dishonest.
We set all this up yesterday.
He said he'd bring 100 quid if I brought you your handbag.
Where did you even get 100 quid? It doesn't matter.
But on a completely unrelated note, I can't pay you any rent this week.
Unbelievable.
Oh, you're just going to walk back on your own are you? Late at night? Yes! Wait for me.
How could you do that? -What? Lie to me.
Give that criminal more money.
Put me in danger again.
You know before, you said when we get back we should move on and never talk about this again? Yeah? -Can we do that? -Oh, no, you don't.
Look, I was only trying to get your handbag back.
No, you weren't.
You were trying to trick me into thinking you had a backbone.
Oh, and there it is.
So, in other words, you're saying I'm a coward.
No, Lee, not in other words.
In those exact words.
You are a great big chicken, followed by a huge yellow plate of wobbly jelly, all topped off with cowardly custard and purchased from the Scaredycat branch of Wimpy.
Well, at least I'm not a great big knitter, followed by a huge plate of excessive freezer defrosted complaints, all topped off with a massive bowl of chocolate chip Tracker scoffing, French film watching bullshit.
All right, it wasn't as good as yours.
KNOCK ON DOOR If you're looking for Muhammad Ali, he's gone to his bedroom to float like a butterfly and cry like a girl.
Is that her? Yeah.
This is my grandson, Raymond.
Raymond's got something for you, haven't you? Well, isn't there something you wanted to say? HE MUMBLES Pardon? I'm sorry I stole your friend's money and your bag.
I found that all that in Raymond's bedroom.
Luckily your address was in there.
Well, I suppose I should at least thank you for returning Don't thank him! He's a thieving little twat! Well, I suppose at least he was honest enough to Honesty didn't come in to it.
I made the little bugger come.
Well, at least he agreed, so I suppose Please stop talking.
If there's anything missing, you let me know.
Oh, come on, you little arsehole.
KNOCK ON DOOR I forgot about your knitting needles.
Sorry.
Oh, right, so now we're doing home visits for muggings now, are we? You little bastard! CRASH Oh, yeah? Do you want some? Hey? Wait! He wasn't Lee, stop! Lee! Leave him! You've got it all wrong! You mouthy little git, I'm going to tunnel tax your teeth so far down your throat.
-Help! Nan! -Oi! Get off him! Pick on someone your own size, you little sod! If you ever lay a finger on my grandson again, I will bloody kill you! -Argh! Now who's the least likely to be around this time next year? Well, they were a lovely family, weren't they? I don't know whether to report them to the police or give their details to The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Well, I'd steer clear of the police given that it was you who attacked him.
I walked into the room and I thought I saw a mugger threatening you with a dangerous weapon.
What did you expect me to do? On past form, start giving him money.
Well, it's been a lovely week, hasn't it? I've been mugged by a teenager, twice, beaten up by a girl and assaulted by a pensioner.
Some people pay good money for that kind of humiliation.
Well, I think what you did was really brave.
It might have been a misunderstanding, but you didn't know that.
So can you finally accept that you're a real man and move on? Yeah, I suppose.
Here, let me do that.
Ooh! .
:: PRiJEVODi ONLiNE ::.