Parks and Recreation s07e01 Episode Script
2017
I mean, there were rumors that they were gonna announce it next month.
But they must've gotten impatient.
Okay.
Whatever they say, we need to come up with 10,000 possible responses to 10,000 possible scenarios.
Okay.
Just to remind you, I don't work for the National Park Service.
Yeah, yeah.
How are those scenarios coming? Okay, look, before we go in there, you need to know something.
He's here.
Who's here? The guy whose name you forbid me from saying out loud because it fills you with rage.
Look, I don't know who he's working for, but I guess he's part of one of the bidding groups.
Are you gonna be able to be civil in there? I'm perfectly civil.
He's the stupid garbage head doodoo face.
Perfect.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm Trevor Nelsson, legal counsel to the Newport family.
The Newport Family Trust intends to sell a 25 square mile parcel of pristine, undeveloped land containing Lake Eagleton and the Southern Indiana Foothills.
Why now? The Newports have owned this land for 100 years.
Thanks to the recent economic boom in Pawnee, real estate prices are at an all-time high.
And in the words of Jessica Wicks Newport, heir to the entire Newport fortune, quote, "It's time to trade those dumb old trees for a buttload of cash.
" It is.
It truly is.
This land is begging to be a new national park, and it's in my own backyard! This could be my crowning achievement.
I could retire.
I mean, I wouldn't.
I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week.
Oh, God.
I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off.
Maybe I'll go to law school or something.
We will select the finalists from a set of initial, sealed bids due at 5:00 p.
m.
Tomorrow.
Good luck.
Okay.
Oh.
Cool.
There he is.
What? He's here? He is coming over.
I don't want to talk to him.
I should hide.
No.
He should hide.
He should run.
He should run away.
He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be Hello, Miss Knope.
Hello, former strange person I used to friend.
You're looking very Ron-like.
You have your same hair.
No, I don't! I have bangs now! I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn! Well, maybe you should! I left the Parks Department two years ago.
Now I work in the private sector, running my own building and development company.
It's called Very Good Building and Development Company.
I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.
So your company is involved with one of the bidders? Hell yeah, pimp! He's on Team Gryzzl now.
We hired his company to help plan and build our new Gryzzl campus.
Right here in town on that land.
Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.
The trees and rocks and the sky.
Yes.
The land has good sky.
This guy, he's so far out.
So normcore.
You know that the National Park System deserves this land.
Why are you trying to screw me? This is like Morningstar all over again! This is nothing like Morningstar.
And that was two years ago.
Well, you don't know who you're dealing with.
I directly oversee 1,200 people.
I have a staff of creative geniuses that will not stop working until we win this bid! Leslie! I couldn't find that file you wanted, but I did find a file called Bird Census 1980.
And it's empty.
Get out of here, Ed! I fired you.
Right.
If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway.
He's very stupid.
Babe, I just dropped off Leslie's triplets with her mom.
All three of 'em.
Nailed it.
Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker! Great.
Yeah.
So hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.
And don't forget, tomorrow we have to go to that guy's office to sign the renters insurance forms.
Get ready.
Go.
Everything is going great.
April's kicking ass at her National Parks job.
I work there part time, and I have my own TV show.
Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.
Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.
It's Mailman Barry.
Morning, Barry.
I have something for you.
Andy, no.
Ninjas attack! Andy.
No.
That's my crotch.
Okay, guys.
Three more kicks apiece.
Jessica, hi! I'm glad I caught you before you left.
Just between you and me, what do you think your land might sell for tomorrow? Trevor says it'll probably be around $90 million.
Oh, wow! I know! I am just I am so happy for me! Would you ever consider giving the federal government a discount? For a very good cause? A National Park? Oh, Leslie, I have always liked you.
Yeah, no, you haven't though.
But I also like money.
And money pays for my lifestyle.
Leslie doesn't pay for my lifestyle.
Money does.
So, between money and Leslie You see the bind that I'm in.
Yeah.
It's a tough one.
Well, thank you, Jessica.
You did and said exactly what I thought you were gonna do and say.
And that's oddly comforting.
Thank you, sweetie! Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero.
But who is my hero? Simple.
It's me five years from now.
Okay, I really only need a correct spelling of your last name.
You are looking at one of Indiana Business Monthly's 35 under 35.
I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper.
We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter.
I'm a mogul now! Hey, Tom.
Ben Wyatt! City Manager of Pawnee.
The Chamber of Commerce asked me to introduce him at a very fancy black tie gala tonight.
One of the many area bigwigs who comes to me for life advice, fashion tips You get it.
Write this all down.
So, for the introduction, I'd love it if you could just keep it brief.
Like stick to my fiscal accomplishments.
Wanna wake me up when you're done boring us to death, am I right, Janet? Write down that I'm funny.
Benji.
Relax.
Come on.
When's Tommy ever let you down? Constantly.
I'm being honored at a gala tonight because I'm in charge of the Pawnee Bicentennial Celebration.
It's my biggest project since Ice Town, so it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader instead of being yelled at and pelted with things.
Wait.
You don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you? It takes, like, eight hours to cook something in this thing.
I guess I could pick up a brisket tomorrow and start it for dinner Thursday.
Thursday's no good.
I have production meetings all day.
I think we've got dinner with Joe and Donna on Friday.
Hey, you know, Sunday, we can go to the farmer's market, put the brisket in the slow cooker, get a movie on Pay Per View.
The new Jason Bourne movie is supposed to be pretty funny.
Andy, we're planning our whole week, like old people! We used to be spontaneous and weird.
We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls.
You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.
I won.
Now you sprained your shoulder trying to clean out the stupid gutter.
You even have a job.
We have a bank account! That's it.
We've held out as long as we could, but it finally happened.
We're boring.
We're boring people who bore each other by being boring.
No! We are still fun! I'm gonna prove it to you.
Tonight, at the gala, we are gonna do something spontaneous and weird.
Okay.
Stop taunting me.
Get on the phone to Washington.
Call in every favor that we have.
Dave, put Missouri on the back burner, this is top priority.
You all have 36 hours to find me $90 million, go! Whoa! $90 million? Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund, and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions.
Which, by the way, attendance has been up.
That's not a coincidence.
Pawnee's rich and famous will all be here tonight.
Maybe you start there.
That is a very smart idea.
And that tuxedo makes you look like a sexy orchestra conductor.
Here.
Wave this pen around.
Focus.
Fine.
Let's go get that park.
That park is my dream.
I'm not gonna let it slip away.
Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron have more money? I have the most valuable currency in America, a blind, stubborn belief that what I am doing is 100% right.
Ken Hotate! Great bolo tie.
Is that new? Why, yes, it is.
My son sells them on Etsy.
He is a huge disappointment.
Oh, well, now that we're chatting, the National Park Service is looking to buy the Newport Land, but we're a little short on funds.
How short? $88 million.
What do you say you put some of that casino money to good use? You know, we have been considering opening a second resort.
No, it would be a donation.
The government would keep the land.
So you would like the Wamapoke people to pay the federal government millions of dollars to buy land that was stolen from us by the federal government? And we don't even get to keep the land? Well, when you put it like that, I see the irony.
So, are you in? No? What if I buy some of your disappointing son's bolo ties? Damn it.
Hey, check it out.
I'm so crazy and spontaneous, I don't even need this sling anymore.
Yes.
Oh.
Did you hear that pop? Did you hear that? You wanna do shots? Yeah, I'd love to do a shot.
'Cause wine makes me sleepy now.
This is gonna be fun.
What do you wanna do first? I dare you to eat this entire jug of olives.
Done.
What are you doing? I'm gonna take a Zantac.
All that salt will give me heartburn.
Oh, God.
You ruined it.
We have to figure something else out.
Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.
Oh, my God.
I hate us, let's go.
Now, I know all of you are off doing your own things, and we don't see each other as much as we used to, but I need my old team back for one last mission.
So, hands in "Defeat Ron" on three! One, two, three.
Oh, actually, Ron promised me I could build a restaurant on the new Gryzzl campus.
So I'm kind of totally on Ron's side.
Okay, Tom's dead to me.
Donna? I'm waiting for your hand.
Yeah.
Ron hired Regal Meagle Realty to broker the deal.
And I'm gonna need the money for my wedding.
Shia LaBeouf designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.
Oh, my God.
You're getting married? That's amazing! And you didn't tell me earlier.
How could you? Joe popped the question a few days ago.
I didn't post anything on Gryzzl Feed 'cause I wanted to tell you in person.
It's very beautiful, and I'm furious at you.
How are you? How are the kids? They're great.
You know, they're trying to destroy us.
There's three of them, it's insane, but they're great.
We gotta run, Les.
Sorry for totally crushing it and you in the process.
Later.
Well, never fear, because Terry is here.
Yes, I go by Terry now.
Because there was a guy at National Parks.
He was already named Larry, so they suggested I go by Terry.
And then I said my real name is Gary, and they said, "Who cares?" So, it's just a fun group.
Good evening and welcome to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala.
Not long ago, this town was barely on the map.
Unless you're talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets.
But then one great man came along and he lifted all of us up.
And that man was me.
Tom Haverford, owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro.
And several other establishments.
Ron, how could you? I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it.
They're long enough for five or six.
First you try to steal my park, and now you steal my team? I didn't steal them.
They're independent people who have moved on to better things, just like you did.
Bacon-wrapped shrimp? I fit seven on this one.
It's a masterpiece.
Why don't you shove them all in your dumb mouth and then when I turn around, you can stab me in the back with the skewer? People come up to me, and they say things like, "Tom, given all that you've accomplished, is it hard to stay humble?" And I say, "Not for me.
"I'm pretty amazing at being humble.
" But enough about me.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pawnee's Man of the Year 2017, Mr.
Ben Wyatt! Thank you.
Thanks.
And thank you to Tom for that moving tribute to you.
And thank you to the Boys and Girls Club for the incredibly life-like papier-mâché statue.
You know when I first moved here, I Oh, uh I guess it's time for cake? Okay.
Great.
Perfect timing.
How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on.
Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing.
Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.
Let's put stink bombs in all the vents.
Yes.
Wait.
No.
I forgot.
I got rid of all the stink bombs before I babysat Leslie's kids.
Being responsible adults sucks butts.
Butts.
That's it.
I'll streak across the stage.
Yes.
I love it.
I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.
Everyone is gonna see my wiener.
I mean, you've seen it.
You know how dumb it looks.
Uh-huh.
Perfect plan.
Why are you even here? What have you ever done for this city? My company has stimulated Pawnee's economy.
You're just still upset about Morningstar.
I told you to never say that word to me! No one should ever say that word out loud.
It's like "Voldemort" or "Ron.
" You know what? You don't deserve that candle! Give me that candle! Let go! Let go! This candle's mine! No! Gimme this candle.
You steal my team, I steal your candle! I stole nothing! - Guys! - I want it! - Leslie! - Stop! Stop! It's okay.
Everything's fine.
Just wheel out the backup cake.
There's no backup cake.
Who doesn't bake a backup cake? Okay.
Well, that seals it.
Even Leslie is crazier than we are.
They're still gonna serve that cake, right? And then I said, "Uh, you might wanna check with the penguin.
" I get it.
You Gryzzl guys are a real hoot.
And you have so much money.
Thanks, Jessie! And, hey, enjoy that new prototype Gryzzl Tablet.
I will.
I just love it! Thank you, Jessica.
I love you, too.
I love your skin.
Give me your skin.
Oh! There are still a couple bugs with the Al software.
But maybe just turn it off before you go to sleep.
All right, Donna.
Let's hit it.
About to get some pennies! Pennies, oh, pennies, oh, pennies.
Okay.
You're next.
Hello, Ron.
I just want you to know that I am not sorry that I pushed you into a giant cake.
Well, I am sorry that I attended a public event.
Yo, Ron.
Come on, bud.
We're gonna go play some video games, and we want you to watch quietly.
After we drop off the renters insurance forms, we need to stop by the grocery store.
And then we need to sign a suicide pact because our lives are meaningless.
Babe, we are not boring people.
Would boring people get renters insurance, even though it's not legally required? Where are we? I have never once been to this part of Pawnee.
It's the creepy warehouse district.
It's mostly just raccoons and old car batteries.
Whoa! Hang on.
Pull over.
Look at that.
This place is amazing.
Let's go in! What up, playa? I just wanted to apologize for my intro running long.
But, you know, when it comes to inspirational Will Smith quotes, how you gonna stop at 10? You know, when the Chamber of Commerce asked you to introduce me, I was a little worried you would spend the entire time talking about yourself, which is exactly what you did.
I'm sorry.
Truth is they didn't ask me to introduce you.
I asked them if I could do it.
I was gonna talk about how I owe you so much, and how you stood by me through all of my failures, and I stood by you through all of your terrible outfits.
But when I got up there, I got pretty emotional.
To make it up to you, I'd like to read you the speech now.
"I've known a lot of ballers in my day.
"But no man balls harder than the man I'm about to bring up.
"He's kind.
"He's intelligent.
"He's a person I'm deeply proud to call my friend.
" It was a pretty good speech.
I mean, it was a little sappy maybe.
But I think I liked it.
Jessica, Mr.
Nelsson, you are going to hear a lot of bids today.
But this is the only one that matters.
Is this a circle? Or is it an O? Is Oprah involved in your bid? It's a zero.
I bid zero dollars.
I have to say, that's one of the lower ones we've seen.
Pawnee is celebrating its 200th anniversary, and the Newport family has been here since day one.
Through feast and famine, transformation, upheaval, celebration.
The Newport family is part of the fabric of this town.
And not always in a good way, like when your hot fudge pipeline exploded.
Oh, boo-hoo! It all ran off into the lake.
Well, yes, admittedly, it did make the fish taste delicious, but it was a PR nightmare.
Mmm-hmm.
My question is this.
What do you want the Newport name to mean in the future? If you donate this land, and you let me turn it into a national park, the Newport National Park, your name will stand for something good for generations to come.
How much was her bid again? It was zero dollars.
Oh! That's the part I don't like.
Yeah.
Just keep me in the running.
Give me a chance to prove to you how great this could be.
It says here there are 12 closets, three bomb shelters, five dumbwaiters, two and three-eighths baths, no kitchens.
It's a fairly standard layout.
Cool.
Is that a staircase to nowhere? Yes, it is.
Good eye.
What was this place? Remember the Pawnee Doll Head Factory? This was a doll head factory? No.
This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.
What's behind this door? Fire pole! So this place has had zero offers? People seem to be scared off, on account of it being haunted and disgusting.
After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World.
We are responsible adults.
You know what that means? I know.
We have money.
And we are going to buy the out of this house! Seriously? Yes.
Who needs rental insurance? We're gonna live here.
We now go live to the press conference.
Good evening.
I'm Attorney Trevor Nelsson with the law firm Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt, Babip, Pecota, Vorp and Eckstein, legal counsel to the Newport family, here to announce that the Newport Family Trust has narrowed this search to two final candidates, the Gryzzl corporation and the National Park Service.
Okay.
I'm in the game.
All I have to do is convince them that it's better taking no money than taking $90 million.
Well, you did convince three unsuspecting toddlers that peas turn into cupcakes in their tummies.
I started my career in Pawnee by turning a pit into a cool little park.
And now I have the chance to give this town a massive, beautiful gift that they can use forever.
In the words of Jason Bourne, "This is where it started for me.
"This is where it ends.
" You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot.
Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.
So, I'm thinking, in addition, to the Tom's Bistros, we have a hyper exclusive lounge area called Tommy's Lounge.
Attention! This is war.
You guys are going down.
And that's all I wanted to say.
Except Donna, Tom, hey.
I'm sorry I haven't kept in better touch with you recently, but, you know, I've been a little preoccupied with my kids and my job.
So, it's really good to see you both.
And also, prepare for war because you chose the wrong side and we are gonna smoke you.
And also I made cookies, but Ron is not allowed to eat them and they say, "Prepare for War" on them, but the O in the word "for" is a heart.
And I ate a lot of 'em on the way over here.
Because we're at war.
Hey, Tom! Hey, man! Buddy, good to see you.
How's it going? It's pretty good.
Hey! Andy! Let's go.
War!
But they must've gotten impatient.
Okay.
Whatever they say, we need to come up with 10,000 possible responses to 10,000 possible scenarios.
Okay.
Just to remind you, I don't work for the National Park Service.
Yeah, yeah.
How are those scenarios coming? Okay, look, before we go in there, you need to know something.
He's here.
Who's here? The guy whose name you forbid me from saying out loud because it fills you with rage.
Look, I don't know who he's working for, but I guess he's part of one of the bidding groups.
Are you gonna be able to be civil in there? I'm perfectly civil.
He's the stupid garbage head doodoo face.
Perfect.
Thank you all for coming.
I'm Trevor Nelsson, legal counsel to the Newport family.
The Newport Family Trust intends to sell a 25 square mile parcel of pristine, undeveloped land containing Lake Eagleton and the Southern Indiana Foothills.
Why now? The Newports have owned this land for 100 years.
Thanks to the recent economic boom in Pawnee, real estate prices are at an all-time high.
And in the words of Jessica Wicks Newport, heir to the entire Newport fortune, quote, "It's time to trade those dumb old trees for a buttload of cash.
" It is.
It truly is.
This land is begging to be a new national park, and it's in my own backyard! This could be my crowning achievement.
I could retire.
I mean, I wouldn't.
I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week.
Oh, God.
I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off.
Maybe I'll go to law school or something.
We will select the finalists from a set of initial, sealed bids due at 5:00 p.
m.
Tomorrow.
Good luck.
Okay.
Oh.
Cool.
There he is.
What? He's here? He is coming over.
I don't want to talk to him.
I should hide.
No.
He should hide.
He should run.
He should run away.
He should hide his stupid face.
He shouldn't be Hello, Miss Knope.
Hello, former strange person I used to friend.
You're looking very Ron-like.
You have your same hair.
No, I don't! I have bangs now! I've never known what bangs are, and I don't intend to learn! Well, maybe you should! I left the Parks Department two years ago.
Now I work in the private sector, running my own building and development company.
It's called Very Good Building and Development Company.
I wanted to convey the quality of our work without seeming flashy.
So your company is involved with one of the bidders? Hell yeah, pimp! He's on Team Gryzzl now.
We hired his company to help plan and build our new Gryzzl campus.
Right here in town on that land.
Oh, my gosh.
It's perfect.
The trees and rocks and the sky.
Yes.
The land has good sky.
This guy, he's so far out.
So normcore.
You know that the National Park System deserves this land.
Why are you trying to screw me? This is like Morningstar all over again! This is nothing like Morningstar.
And that was two years ago.
Well, you don't know who you're dealing with.
I directly oversee 1,200 people.
I have a staff of creative geniuses that will not stop working until we win this bid! Leslie! I couldn't find that file you wanted, but I did find a file called Bird Census 1980.
And it's empty.
Get out of here, Ed! I fired you.
Right.
If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway.
He's very stupid.
Babe, I just dropped off Leslie's triplets with her mom.
All three of 'em.
Nailed it.
Look what she gave us.
Slow cooker! Great.
Yeah.
So hurry up and get ready.
The gala starts in an hour.
And don't forget, tomorrow we have to go to that guy's office to sign the renters insurance forms.
Get ready.
Go.
Everything is going great.
April's kicking ass at her National Parks job.
I work there part time, and I have my own TV show.
Welcome back to the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show.
Morning, Johnny.
I have something for ya.
It's Mailman Barry.
Morning, Barry.
I have something for you.
Andy, no.
Ninjas attack! Andy.
No.
That's my crotch.
Okay, guys.
Three more kicks apiece.
Jessica, hi! I'm glad I caught you before you left.
Just between you and me, what do you think your land might sell for tomorrow? Trevor says it'll probably be around $90 million.
Oh, wow! I know! I am just I am so happy for me! Would you ever consider giving the federal government a discount? For a very good cause? A National Park? Oh, Leslie, I have always liked you.
Yeah, no, you haven't though.
But I also like money.
And money pays for my lifestyle.
Leslie doesn't pay for my lifestyle.
Money does.
So, between money and Leslie You see the bind that I'm in.
Yeah.
It's a tough one.
Well, thank you, Jessica.
You did and said exactly what I thought you were gonna do and say.
And that's oddly comforting.
Thank you, sweetie! Who is Tom Haverford? He's a mentor, a lover, a hero.
But who is my hero? Simple.
It's me five years from now.
Okay, I really only need a correct spelling of your last name.
You are looking at one of Indiana Business Monthly's 35 under 35.
I own Pawnee's hottest restaurant, two fast casual eateries, and the Tommy Chopper.
We serve chopped salads out of a decommissioned military helicopter.
I'm a mogul now! Hey, Tom.
Ben Wyatt! City Manager of Pawnee.
The Chamber of Commerce asked me to introduce him at a very fancy black tie gala tonight.
One of the many area bigwigs who comes to me for life advice, fashion tips You get it.
Write this all down.
So, for the introduction, I'd love it if you could just keep it brief.
Like stick to my fiscal accomplishments.
Wanna wake me up when you're done boring us to death, am I right, Janet? Write down that I'm funny.
Benji.
Relax.
Come on.
When's Tommy ever let you down? Constantly.
I'm being honored at a gala tonight because I'm in charge of the Pawnee Bicentennial Celebration.
It's my biggest project since Ice Town, so it really means a lot that I'm being recognized as a city leader instead of being yelled at and pelted with things.
Wait.
You don't think this is all an elaborate setup to pelt me with things, do you? It takes, like, eight hours to cook something in this thing.
I guess I could pick up a brisket tomorrow and start it for dinner Thursday.
Thursday's no good.
I have production meetings all day.
I think we've got dinner with Joe and Donna on Friday.
Hey, you know, Sunday, we can go to the farmer's market, put the brisket in the slow cooker, get a movie on Pay Per View.
The new Jason Bourne movie is supposed to be pretty funny.
Andy, we're planning our whole week, like old people! We used to be spontaneous and weird.
We used to eat cereal out of Frisbees because we didn't have any bowls.
You once broke a rib trying to wrestle one of those inflatable floppy guys at a car dealership.
I won.
Now you sprained your shoulder trying to clean out the stupid gutter.
You even have a job.
We have a bank account! That's it.
We've held out as long as we could, but it finally happened.
We're boring.
We're boring people who bore each other by being boring.
No! We are still fun! I'm gonna prove it to you.
Tonight, at the gala, we are gonna do something spontaneous and weird.
Okay.
Stop taunting me.
Get on the phone to Washington.
Call in every favor that we have.
Dave, put Missouri on the back burner, this is top priority.
You all have 36 hours to find me $90 million, go! Whoa! $90 million? Well, I only have $2 million in the discretionary fund, and I've already used some of it to make Thomas Jefferson sexier in those Mount Rushmore promotions.
Which, by the way, attendance has been up.
That's not a coincidence.
Pawnee's rich and famous will all be here tonight.
Maybe you start there.
That is a very smart idea.
And that tuxedo makes you look like a sexy orchestra conductor.
Here.
Wave this pen around.
Focus.
Fine.
Let's go get that park.
That park is my dream.
I'm not gonna let it slip away.
Who cares if Gryzzl and Ron have more money? I have the most valuable currency in America, a blind, stubborn belief that what I am doing is 100% right.
Ken Hotate! Great bolo tie.
Is that new? Why, yes, it is.
My son sells them on Etsy.
He is a huge disappointment.
Oh, well, now that we're chatting, the National Park Service is looking to buy the Newport Land, but we're a little short on funds.
How short? $88 million.
What do you say you put some of that casino money to good use? You know, we have been considering opening a second resort.
No, it would be a donation.
The government would keep the land.
So you would like the Wamapoke people to pay the federal government millions of dollars to buy land that was stolen from us by the federal government? And we don't even get to keep the land? Well, when you put it like that, I see the irony.
So, are you in? No? What if I buy some of your disappointing son's bolo ties? Damn it.
Hey, check it out.
I'm so crazy and spontaneous, I don't even need this sling anymore.
Yes.
Oh.
Did you hear that pop? Did you hear that? You wanna do shots? Yeah, I'd love to do a shot.
'Cause wine makes me sleepy now.
This is gonna be fun.
What do you wanna do first? I dare you to eat this entire jug of olives.
Done.
What are you doing? I'm gonna take a Zantac.
All that salt will give me heartburn.
Oh, God.
You ruined it.
We have to figure something else out.
Should I still take the Zantac? Yeah, you always feel better when you do.
Oh, my God.
I hate us, let's go.
Now, I know all of you are off doing your own things, and we don't see each other as much as we used to, but I need my old team back for one last mission.
So, hands in "Defeat Ron" on three! One, two, three.
Oh, actually, Ron promised me I could build a restaurant on the new Gryzzl campus.
So I'm kind of totally on Ron's side.
Okay, Tom's dead to me.
Donna? I'm waiting for your hand.
Yeah.
Ron hired Regal Meagle Realty to broker the deal.
And I'm gonna need the money for my wedding.
Shia LaBeouf designed wedding dresses do not come cheap.
Oh, my God.
You're getting married? That's amazing! And you didn't tell me earlier.
How could you? Joe popped the question a few days ago.
I didn't post anything on Gryzzl Feed 'cause I wanted to tell you in person.
It's very beautiful, and I'm furious at you.
How are you? How are the kids? They're great.
You know, they're trying to destroy us.
There's three of them, it's insane, but they're great.
We gotta run, Les.
Sorry for totally crushing it and you in the process.
Later.
Well, never fear, because Terry is here.
Yes, I go by Terry now.
Because there was a guy at National Parks.
He was already named Larry, so they suggested I go by Terry.
And then I said my real name is Gary, and they said, "Who cares?" So, it's just a fun group.
Good evening and welcome to the Pawnee Bicentennial Gala.
Not long ago, this town was barely on the map.
Unless you're talking about a map of the cities with the most obese pets.
But then one great man came along and he lifted all of us up.
And that man was me.
Tom Haverford, owner and proprietor of the effortlessly chic, celebrity-packed Italian restaurant, Tom's Bistro.
And several other establishments.
Ron, how could you? I simply took a skewer for one shrimp and added many shrimp to it.
They're long enough for five or six.
First you try to steal my park, and now you steal my team? I didn't steal them.
They're independent people who have moved on to better things, just like you did.
Bacon-wrapped shrimp? I fit seven on this one.
It's a masterpiece.
Why don't you shove them all in your dumb mouth and then when I turn around, you can stab me in the back with the skewer? People come up to me, and they say things like, "Tom, given all that you've accomplished, is it hard to stay humble?" And I say, "Not for me.
"I'm pretty amazing at being humble.
" But enough about me.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Pawnee's Man of the Year 2017, Mr.
Ben Wyatt! Thank you.
Thanks.
And thank you to Tom for that moving tribute to you.
And thank you to the Boys and Girls Club for the incredibly life-like papier-mâché statue.
You know when I first moved here, I Oh, uh I guess it's time for cake? Okay.
Great.
Perfect timing.
How about this? We shut off the lights, turn 'em back on.
Everybody's fancy jewelry is missing.
Meanwhile, you and I are already on a boat to the airport.
Let's put stink bombs in all the vents.
Yes.
Wait.
No.
I forgot.
I got rid of all the stink bombs before I babysat Leslie's kids.
Being responsible adults sucks butts.
Butts.
That's it.
I'll streak across the stage.
Yes.
I love it.
I'm gonna get naked.
I'm gonna get up there.
Everyone is gonna see my wiener.
I mean, you've seen it.
You know how dumb it looks.
Uh-huh.
Perfect plan.
Why are you even here? What have you ever done for this city? My company has stimulated Pawnee's economy.
You're just still upset about Morningstar.
I told you to never say that word to me! No one should ever say that word out loud.
It's like "Voldemort" or "Ron.
" You know what? You don't deserve that candle! Give me that candle! Let go! Let go! This candle's mine! No! Gimme this candle.
You steal my team, I steal your candle! I stole nothing! - Guys! - I want it! - Leslie! - Stop! Stop! It's okay.
Everything's fine.
Just wheel out the backup cake.
There's no backup cake.
Who doesn't bake a backup cake? Okay.
Well, that seals it.
Even Leslie is crazier than we are.
They're still gonna serve that cake, right? And then I said, "Uh, you might wanna check with the penguin.
" I get it.
You Gryzzl guys are a real hoot.
And you have so much money.
Thanks, Jessie! And, hey, enjoy that new prototype Gryzzl Tablet.
I will.
I just love it! Thank you, Jessica.
I love you, too.
I love your skin.
Give me your skin.
Oh! There are still a couple bugs with the Al software.
But maybe just turn it off before you go to sleep.
All right, Donna.
Let's hit it.
About to get some pennies! Pennies, oh, pennies, oh, pennies.
Okay.
You're next.
Hello, Ron.
I just want you to know that I am not sorry that I pushed you into a giant cake.
Well, I am sorry that I attended a public event.
Yo, Ron.
Come on, bud.
We're gonna go play some video games, and we want you to watch quietly.
After we drop off the renters insurance forms, we need to stop by the grocery store.
And then we need to sign a suicide pact because our lives are meaningless.
Babe, we are not boring people.
Would boring people get renters insurance, even though it's not legally required? Where are we? I have never once been to this part of Pawnee.
It's the creepy warehouse district.
It's mostly just raccoons and old car batteries.
Whoa! Hang on.
Pull over.
Look at that.
This place is amazing.
Let's go in! What up, playa? I just wanted to apologize for my intro running long.
But, you know, when it comes to inspirational Will Smith quotes, how you gonna stop at 10? You know, when the Chamber of Commerce asked you to introduce me, I was a little worried you would spend the entire time talking about yourself, which is exactly what you did.
I'm sorry.
Truth is they didn't ask me to introduce you.
I asked them if I could do it.
I was gonna talk about how I owe you so much, and how you stood by me through all of my failures, and I stood by you through all of your terrible outfits.
But when I got up there, I got pretty emotional.
To make it up to you, I'd like to read you the speech now.
"I've known a lot of ballers in my day.
"But no man balls harder than the man I'm about to bring up.
"He's kind.
"He's intelligent.
"He's a person I'm deeply proud to call my friend.
" It was a pretty good speech.
I mean, it was a little sappy maybe.
But I think I liked it.
Jessica, Mr.
Nelsson, you are going to hear a lot of bids today.
But this is the only one that matters.
Is this a circle? Or is it an O? Is Oprah involved in your bid? It's a zero.
I bid zero dollars.
I have to say, that's one of the lower ones we've seen.
Pawnee is celebrating its 200th anniversary, and the Newport family has been here since day one.
Through feast and famine, transformation, upheaval, celebration.
The Newport family is part of the fabric of this town.
And not always in a good way, like when your hot fudge pipeline exploded.
Oh, boo-hoo! It all ran off into the lake.
Well, yes, admittedly, it did make the fish taste delicious, but it was a PR nightmare.
Mmm-hmm.
My question is this.
What do you want the Newport name to mean in the future? If you donate this land, and you let me turn it into a national park, the Newport National Park, your name will stand for something good for generations to come.
How much was her bid again? It was zero dollars.
Oh! That's the part I don't like.
Yeah.
Just keep me in the running.
Give me a chance to prove to you how great this could be.
It says here there are 12 closets, three bomb shelters, five dumbwaiters, two and three-eighths baths, no kitchens.
It's a fairly standard layout.
Cool.
Is that a staircase to nowhere? Yes, it is.
Good eye.
What was this place? Remember the Pawnee Doll Head Factory? This was a doll head factory? No.
This was a holding cell for people who went insane on the assembly line.
What's behind this door? Fire pole! So this place has had zero offers? People seem to be scared off, on account of it being haunted and disgusting.
After 47 years living here, I decided to move to Orlando to be closer to Disney World.
We are responsible adults.
You know what that means? I know.
We have money.
And we are going to buy the out of this house! Seriously? Yes.
Who needs rental insurance? We're gonna live here.
We now go live to the press conference.
Good evening.
I'm Attorney Trevor Nelsson with the law firm Fwar, Dips, Winshares, Gritt, Babip, Pecota, Vorp and Eckstein, legal counsel to the Newport family, here to announce that the Newport Family Trust has narrowed this search to two final candidates, the Gryzzl corporation and the National Park Service.
Okay.
I'm in the game.
All I have to do is convince them that it's better taking no money than taking $90 million.
Well, you did convince three unsuspecting toddlers that peas turn into cupcakes in their tummies.
I started my career in Pawnee by turning a pit into a cool little park.
And now I have the chance to give this town a massive, beautiful gift that they can use forever.
In the words of Jason Bourne, "This is where it started for me.
"This is where it ends.
" You know, I still think Kevin James was a weird choice for the reboot.
Oh, I don't.
I think he nailed it.
So, I'm thinking, in addition, to the Tom's Bistros, we have a hyper exclusive lounge area called Tommy's Lounge.
Attention! This is war.
You guys are going down.
And that's all I wanted to say.
Except Donna, Tom, hey.
I'm sorry I haven't kept in better touch with you recently, but, you know, I've been a little preoccupied with my kids and my job.
So, it's really good to see you both.
And also, prepare for war because you chose the wrong side and we are gonna smoke you.
And also I made cookies, but Ron is not allowed to eat them and they say, "Prepare for War" on them, but the O in the word "for" is a heart.
And I ate a lot of 'em on the way over here.
Because we're at war.
Hey, Tom! Hey, man! Buddy, good to see you.
How's it going? It's pretty good.
Hey! Andy! Let's go.
War!