Portlandia (2011) s07e01 Episode Script

1 All right, guys, we are so excited to talk strategy for the new album.
We're really excited to hear what you have to say.
First of all, do you know what an album drop is? Yeah, when you drop an album and-- with no lead time and no press and you just kinda give it to everybody.
A surprise, boom.
But even that is tame now.
- Yeah.
- That's too slow.
So one thing you could do is you could fake your death.
Do you ever think about doing that? I have.
Look, you make an announcement.
"I'm dead.
I'm really sorry, I've gone.
" But if you're dead, how do you announce it? Such a good question.
So if El-P is the one that dies Okay.
Then you're the one that announces it.
All the fans show up to the funeral, right? "Look, what a sad day.
What-- it's moving.
Call the police! No, don't, stop.
He's alive.
And he's got the album.
" Oh.
His death was the new record.
I think we could sell more records if we left El-P dead, but he's my friend, and I don't want him dead.
- All right.
- He's not dead-- okay.
- It's not gonna work.
- It's not gonna work.
Okay, now, do you remember Baby Jessica? - Of course.
- Yeah.
Baby Jessica fell down a well.
I was so worried about her.
I remember, it was on the news.
It was, like, a couple of weeks, right? Yeah, it's all we cared about.
Baby Jessica, what is she, the real one, 40 now? - I'd say 40.
- No, 41.
- Wow.
- Yeah, 41 today.
Baby Jessica's birthday? She's 41? Just Jessica now.
So if we re-create that, a baby falls into a well.
When we pull her to safety, it turns out it's your album.
The baby is the album or the-- It's in the mouth.
Who's watching the baby? The album's watching the baby.
Uh That can hurt the baby.
We don't wanna hurt people.
What about this? Everyone takes a pill.
When you poop it out, a literal album drop.
Does it play as it comes out? No, you fish it out, and you find it-- "Something came out of me.
I don't know-- what's this? Oh, God! Sweetie, put this in the computer.
" I don't think people are gonna be into pulling music out of their-- I wouldn't shut it down so quickly.
- Thank you.
- How big is the pill? Is it necessary to have such a large pill for a USB stick? - No.
- I like it.
I, um-- I think that we should put that one in the-- in the maybe pile.
What are your thoughts on Armageddon? Um, it's-- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse carrying your album in.
Can we actually get that to happen? We didn't actually think we were gonna get this far in the presentation.
Could you get us anywhere between - swallowing a pill - And then-- And excreting it and - Death.
- The end of the world? [triumphant music.]
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
[dreamy chillwave music.]
[all chuckling.]
So what was after Madrid then? Oh, Barcelona.
It is so beautiful.
Architecture.
I mean, it's just amazing.
But it is hot, and so this one right here needed a cold beer, am I right? And so we found this great little cerveceria.
Yeah, so we had, like, three or four beers at this bar.
- Mm-hmm.
- We leave and then We realized this guy is following us.
- Wow.
- Should we tell this? both: - Yes, tell us.
- What happened? Okay, well, he comes right up to me and he says, "Do you got any traveler's checks on you?" Yeah, we think we're getting mugged.
But then I got my phone out, I'm gonna call 911.
Yeah, we don't even know if they have 911 in Barcelona.
We have no idea what their emergency number is.
Right, yeah, I wouldn't-- yeah.
- And then - I get a look at the guy.
It's Tom Hanks.
- Pfft! What? - No.
- Come on.
- Tom Hanks.
- Really? - Yeah.
He just saw two Americans and just decided to mess with us.
- That's nice.
- What was he doing in Spain? Filming "The Da Vinci Code.
" - Great.
- Yeah, we had dinner with him.
- Really? - You did? - We did.
- That's cool.
- Whoa.
- Oh, he's a wonderful guy.
- Dinner with Tom Hanks.
- He's a wonderful guy.
- Yeah, really nice guy.
- Wonderful.
- I have a story too.
- Oh.
- You do? - Yeah.
One time I thought I lost my passport, but I didn't.
It was in the other pocket.
Hmm.
On the inside of a coat.
I was looking in my pants' pockets.
Where were you going? Nowhere.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Well, you shoulda been there.
Carrie's got a good story.
- Oh? - What's that abortion story? [rock music.]
- Hi.
- Hi, good afternoon.
- How are you? - Good.
I'm checking in; the last name's Prager.
Prager! Ah, okay, we've got you here for two nights.
- Is that correct? - Yes.
And this is your first time staying with us? It is, yeah.
Well, a little bit of information.
Uh, we've got our restaurant right across the lobby.
- Okay, great.
- It's the Brière.
- Okay.
- It's got a rooftop lounge.
- Great.
- And, uh, I could show you to your room if you'd like.
Uh, I should be fine.
Thank you.
Well, okay, let me help you get to the elevator.
It's a little tricky getting there.
Okay.
Here we go, right there.
[elevator dings.]
- We've got a two-key system.
- Okay.
So bottom key goes in.
And this little wavy one that-- Do you mind if I just try it? I need to get in the room.
- Just gonna do that.
- Oh, there you go.
And then just like this, right? Ah, there we go.
- And here we are.
- Thank you so much.
I really appreciate all your help today.
Our pleasure.
And let me show you how the light switches work.
- Oh, you don't have to do-- - Okay, your overhead.
- Okay.
- Lights up the room.
And if you want to turn on the light next to the bed, you've got this here.
Great.
I can see it.
And we've got your thermostat for temperature control.
We use a smart temperature control system.
The up arrow probably makes it warmer, and the down arrow makes it cooler.
Oh, you've stayed with us before apparently.
Uh, and so let me show you the rest here.
We've got, uh, this wall here, and, uh, this is a closet.
Got some robes here.
You can use them after a shower, after you're naked, and you can use the towel first.
And then-- II've used a robe before.
Yes, or if there are two people here-- I don't know if you're seeing someone or if you have a spouse or-- Do you have aunts and uncles? I do, but none of them will be visiting me at the hotel.
'Cause you're not close with them? No, just because this isn't a family visit.
- Uh-huh.
- You know what? I think I've got the closet down, so-- Yes, you do.
Of course you do.
Also here you'll see that there's a lock.
I know you think, well, why is there a lock from the inside? I didn't even think about it.
The only thing you want to make sure is that Captain Hook doesn't show up with-- I'm sorry, I'm-- This is all very amusing, but I-I really just want to rest.
Of course.
We've got waters here.
One's free and one is $8.
Okay, well, they're identical.
Uh, they're identical except one has $8 written on it.
I've really got to get to the bathroom, so Let's show you the bathroom.
Okay, so we've got the shower.
You reach in there and water comes out, and it goes all over your body.
Yeah, I know how a faucet works.
"Who's that? What? Who you talking to?" "I'm just trying to be in the room.
" "Why?" There's tissues and-- Anyway, there seems to be another one in there.
Anyway, there's tissues-- It keeps coming-- There come the ghosts.
There come the ghosts.
I'm sorry, you really need to leave.
And off I go.
All I ask is that you just give us a review on the website.
Okay, I will.
[door closes.]
[sighs.]
Oh, Richard, what's the Wi-Fi password? Richard? [sighs.]
[bells ring.]
[groans.]
[suspenseful music.]
Jacqueline, what are you doing? Reading.
Sorry to interrupt, but I have a surprise.
I finally got that blacklight.
Vince, I love it.
You look like a corpse.
Thank you.
Look at your eyes.
This is the best.
What took us so long? We should live like this forever.
What is that stuff on your jacket? What? What is this? Wait.
It's on me, too.
It's in your hair.
It's on your dress.
Ugh, turn the lights on! Turn the lights on! It's dust.
It's everywhere.
I just assumed the witches' brooms were working.
My mom told me when she bought 'em, she's like, "These are just for show.
" And I was like, "No, no, no, we can use those for cleaning.
" That really means that we haven't cleaned in, like, three years.
Let's just get a vacuum cleaner.
Just, I mean, a vacuum cleaner, no one has to know about it.
[cheerful music.]
[mellow pop music plays.]
These look very nice.
"Professional performance, hard-anodized construction, convenient dishwasher cleanup.
" both: Hmm.
Hi there.
Is there anything I can help you with? We're just looking at these pans.
Well, that one is a great one.
It cooks everything really evenly.
What do you like to cook? Blood.
Do you have a pan that would be good for blood? I can check, but I don't believe so.
How 'bout piranha meat? I'm sorry, piranha meats? The fish.
I didn't know you like that.
I like the bones.
- That pan could do that.
- Mm-hmm.
What's this? That is the D-Frost Wonder.
Could you take an entire animal from a freezer and defrost it on there? So I really just know that-- that it defrosts.
Do you know what happens when you read this upside down? What? [speaking demonic language.]
Do you need help with anything else? - Your name is Jamie? - Yeah, yeah.
[laughing maniacally.]
Vince.
[dramatic music.]
Ooh, a little black rug.
No, that's a bathmat.
Not if we put it in the living room.
We still need something to address the lint and the dust.
- A vacuum cleaner.
- Mm-hmm.
[voice echoing.]
Jamie! Hi.
We're looking for a vacuum cleaner, something powerful.
We've got a lot of good choices.
Do you have any pets? None that are living.
Okay, so shedding isn't an issue.
Well, shedding is an issue.
They're disintegrating.
Mm-hmm, so that's a form of shedding.
Do you have anything that's like a skeleton with a gaping mouth that's just sucking things into its stomach? Anything in the shape of an upside-down cross? - No.
- I think what we need is a prodigious machine to handle the detritus.
I think we have something for you.
[voice echoing.]
Thank you, Jamie! Jacqueline, do you have the bat for defrosting? Oh, Vince, I'm so sorry.
I ground her up.
It makes a great urn, just like you said.
Sure does.
Let me have a look at that.
[groans.]
I'm so sorry.
I got it.
[vacuum whirring.]
[voice echoing.]
Jamie! Jamie! Ja-- [percussive music.]
No offense.
That was awful.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not a great storyteller.
I feel like nothing interesting really happens to us.
That's not true.
Yeah, but we haven't, like, met Tom Hanks.
We didn't go to Barcelona.
It's not about that.
It's just that we're not paying attention.
It's hurting us.
It's hurting us as storytellers.
Well, what can we do? Like, just dig deeper? Is that-- Yes.
Yes, dig deeper.
- All right.
- Try.
Uh, digging deep.
What really affected me? I remember one time I lost my passport.
Okay, we need help.
So tell me, why are we here? Well, I think we just want to feel more engaged with our own lives.
- Mm-hmm.
- We just have an inability - to tell stories.
- So what we need to do is get into the meat of who you really are.
- Mm-hmm.
- Great.
Who are you? I'm Carrie.
Uh, I'm Carrie.
I'm-I'm Fred.
I'm a female American.
Um, I like breakfast.
I like hiking.
I do too, yeah.
Breakfast.
Okay, no, just stop there.
It's clear we need to do some-- some excavating.
It just so happens that I got very good at getting to the root of character in my previous job.
Ooh, so you're from the acting world and drama? No, I was an identity thief.
That's-- well, that's cool.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Great.
'Cause I always thought that identity thief was just like, you know, stealing, like, credit cards and dumpster diving.
Yeah, no, it's more than that.
- Okay.
- No, the job starts when you emerge from the dumpster.
No, you have to live the life.
Okay, well, I guess, uh, let's-- let's climb out of the dumpster.
Let's do this.
This is a dress rehearsal for the dinner party tonight.
And action.
Where are the silverware? That's not relevant.
- Who's this guy again? - That's the waiter.
We'll have, um, two lasagnas, cold please.
- Let's pick a subject.
- Okay.
- Horse racing.
- Horse racing, I like that.
- Okay.
- Well, we were just hearing about a story about horse racing, - and my wife here-- - I'm not your wife.
I don't know why I go to that.
Okay, we've lost the thread, we've lost the thread, and we've lost Harriet.
I need you to understand the consequences here.
Stakes are high.
One down.
You are the reluctant hero of this dinner party.
Make the listener beg for details.
We're gonna tell one story, one sentence at a time.
- Okay.
- You begin.
There was a goddamn dog.
And that damn dog Was biting us in the goddamn face.
Okay, less-- less swearing.
I think people might-- We were trying our best.
Yeah, okay, okay.
Make that picture animate.
Compel me to give you my time! Surprise yourself with your own words.
Okay, so I had cash on me.
Tell it as one story.
But you decided to be vegan that year.
Don't turn off the meat-eaters.
Uh, so We went right into the baseball game, and we were like, "Go Mariners!" You've just lost all the women! We slept on the streets all year.
And we actually enjoyed it.
Who enjoys homelessness? Before we go, I just need you to fill out these forms.
And you brought your passports? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, we did.
- I just need to scan them.
- Oh, okay.
And I'll get them right back to you.
- Okay.
- And any passcodes you use to get into, you know, phones, iPads, ATM machines, things like that.
Okay, Dr.
Freddy 112.
[percussive music.]
Well, I'm a pediatrician.
I can't diagnose that for you.
You know, as a pediatrician I know more than how to keep kids healthy.
I also know the best ways to make 'em sick.
Hello.
I'm Dr.
Geremy Nish-Amurau, and every day parents come to me with the same complaint.
We scrub our kids and we clean their worlds.
But their immune systems just keep getting weaker and weaker.
Well, there's a reason for that.
You see, kids need germs.
In fact, it's now believed that exposure to a wide flora of germs and pathogens early in life can actually boost a child's immune system.
But where can we acquire all these germs in one convenient place? Well, the answer was right under our nose.
- Introducing Germy.
- [kids cheering.]
The all-new, cool baby toy made entirely out of beard hair.
Germy provides all the germs your baby needs.
It's BPA free, 100% organic, and if you freeze Germy, it's great for teething.
Earlier I gave Danielle and Mike a tour of our facility.
[intense music.]
This is the main lab.
This is where we do all the beard harvesting.
That way we can get the hair right from the face into your child's immune system.
And we can customize these beards to your child's needs.
For instance, if you live in a rural area, you might want a city beard, something that's got some public bathroom particulate.
Or if, let's say, you do live in the city and you want some rural diseases, well, you want to take a gentleman like this who might be living bear a cow shed, if I'm not mistaken.
- That is true.
- This beard is on a man that you can ask any questions you want to.
Okay, what has your beard been exposed to? Uh, you know, goat spit, barn lice, muskrat dander, jasmine.
Yeah, so this is great for a city kid who just doesn't have exposure to those kinds of things.
Do you have a house pet by any chance? I wish.
When I looked at your children, I look at your husband or what he could have been, I'd look at a beard like this and I'd say, "Let's add some gusto.
Let's add some barbecue sauce.
" Come on, let's do a live beard extraction.
I'll show you the process from start to finish.
Got a gentleman here who came in off the streets.
We're gonna try to take that beard off in one piece.
Can I leave the moustache? No, I'm not a barber.
I'm a pediatrician.
Such brave work you do here.
Rachel, we're gonna do a rip and tear.
Oh, okay.
Feel free to get some skin on there too.
I wouldn't mind having some blood typing.
We've had a little bit of kickback.
Sexy boss.
[ding.]
[wheels squeaking, rattling.]
[ominous music.]
[pounding at door.]
- [dramatic musical flourish.]
- Room service.
Um, yeah, that's me.
So, I can help you.
- I'll do the door.
- Oh-- - Um - I'll do the door.
Okay.
[wheel squeaking.]
- Salad.
- Yes.
- Tomato.
- Great.
- Looks like everything's here.
- Coffee cup.
- Fork.
- Yep.
Knife, bottle opener.
The Dos Equis beer.
Would you like me to unwrap the glass? Uh, that's okay.
I got it, thank you.
Oh.
Let me help you with that.
I-I'll do it.
I'll do it.
So where are you from? - Huh? - Where are you from? I am from Portland.
So is it a pretty busy night? The flights come in from the East Coast, and they check in-- I'll do it.
And they-- Okay, please keep unwrapping while you're talking.
- Unwrap this? - Yes.
When I was a child in Portland, it was so cold.
It's okay.
You don't have to find it.
Oh.
[ominous music.]
Okay, can I just help you with that? Just-- My mother in the Old Portland, they used to make coffee in a stone bowl, when they crushed the coffee.
Perfect.
Okay, I'm ready to eat.
This did not have wrap on it.
Yeah.
Okay, thank you so much.
You can just leave, okay? Just-just right out this door.
Okay? [knob rattling.]
Um [knocking.]
I think I locked myself out.
- Who is it? - It's me.
It's just me.
It's Vanessa.
Room service.
Okay, I think we can do this.
Are you sure we're ready? Yeah, I mean, we have the story down.
- Uh-huh.
- Joan really prepared us.
- We're storytellers.
- Ready? Here we go.
[exciting music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
[laughter.]
That's great.
You know, one time I saw a truck overturn.
- [all gasp.]
- Wait, what? I was just about to tell the overturned truck story.
I don't know if anyone wants to hear it.
- Tell us.
- We want to hear.
- Yeah.
- Should we? - [all shush.]
- It's kinda scary.
I don't know if you guys want to hear it.
Yeah, we do, come on.
No, we-- we love crazy stories.
Well it was 2003.
Carrie and I were driving to Philadelphia.
[all gasp.]
We were driving down the highway, going pretty fast, the windows were down.
It was completely dark out.
We were listening to Del Shannon on the radio.
[country music plays.]
We looked to our side, we saw a truck.
[horn blares.]
Suddenly, we saw that it weaved to and fro from the lanes.
We didn't know what to do.
Do we pull off? Do we stop? Then it happened.
The trailer started to tip - slowly, slowly.
- Here you go.
- Can I have two? - Of course.
This is-- this is going to Broadway.
The truck, it started to slide.
20, 30, 50 yards.
And then it came to a sudden Halt.
[horse neigh.]
Some horses from a nearby farm galloped up, puzzled by the sound of the modern highway.
[imitates whinnying.]
Again? We approached the truck.
[rattling.]
It was on its back.
[rattling.]
The driver's side door was open, but there was no driver.
We looked around, over to our left there he was, looking at the truck.
He was fine.
[sighs.]
And now he's a friend of ours.
- [crowd grumbling.]
- True story.
It's real.
[Falling Blind's "Complex Story".]
it's a complex story this heart is carrying [knocking at door.]
Turndown service.
[ominous music.]
[knocking continues.]
Turndown service! [screams.]
Well, you should have let me explain the windows.
I understand windows.
Oh, you've stayed with us before?