Rick and Morty (2013) s07e01 Episode Script

1
[SIGHS]
Any clue when our houseguest
is finally gonna leave?
It'd be nice to have
the living room back.
I keep tripping on all his top hats.
He's always messing with my TiVo!
It's an antique, the
buttons are fragile!
Big surprise that Dad's
avoiding all this.
Guys, he's a family friend.
He can stay as long as he needs.
Hey, so I just sold some drugs
to the weird little dude in there.
He said you had cash?
Oh, you kids in school?
- You having trouble focusing?
- Okay, that's it!
Morty, find your grandfather
while I go talk to our houseguest.
Jerry, pay the dealer.
Yeah, I prefer the term "pharmacist."
So do they!
Any chance you have
Sorry, I left my wallet in space.
Are you leaving to get it?
[DOOR CLOSES]
Mr. Poopybutthole,
this has gone far enough.
We have been really cool to you
- in your time of need.
- [GULPING]
I agree, Beth.
I'm a pieeeece of garbage.
Can you boost me up
so I can hook my belt
to the ceiling faaaaan?
We don't have a ceiling fan.
Oo weee, is that why it's so hooot?
They're not expensivvve.
[SIGHS]
Bet you didn't expect to
see me in a cold open, huh?
Looks like I've taken
another turn for the worse.
It all started when Beth shot me.
- I said I was sorry!
- I know
It tore you up inside
- Like a bullet.
- It was an accident!
Anyway, then I got fired from my joooob,
my wife left me, I broke both my leeegs,
failed the bar exam.
Ooo wee, things went
downhill from there.
So I've been crashing with
the Smiths for a while.
Ooo wee, I'm Mr. Pooooopybutthole
and this is "Rick and
Morty" Seeeeason 7.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Hey, buddy. B-brought you a coffee.
I can synthesize coffee.
You don't need to make excuses
- to come see me
- Yeah, I knew you'd say that,
so I didn't even bring a cup.
- Any progress?
- Yes, Morty,
I found the version of
me that killed my wife.
- You just missed it.
- Okay, I get it.
I had a big sword fight with
him on top of Hoover Dam.
He fell and landed on a sharp spike,
and then whispered,
"Thank you," like a werewolf.
I was asking to be polite.
The family wants you upstairs
to deal with Mr. Poopybutthole.
It's finally time, huh?
Well, lucky for you guys, I know
how to make someone leave.
- Family, I present to you, Robo-Ghost.
- Rick!
- Your plan is to scare him away?
- Avoidance much?
I'm listening.
AI VOICE: Assembling body.
[WHIRRING]
- [BEEPS]
- Activating sentience.
[GROANS]
Uploading business.
- [SCREAMS]
- Unfinished business detected.
Terminating body.
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[SHOUTS]
Okay. I need to make gravity
part of its finished business
and leave floors unfinished.
- Starting over.
- Dad, you can't keep putting this off.
- You're doing an intervention with us.
- Nope.
Then we're sticking Poopybutthole
downstairs with you.
What is this? I-Is this an intervention
of me not intervening?
Y-You know this can't
make the concept work,
not comedically or clinically.
Its success rate is 10% in both areas.
Then you have to help him on your own.
And not with a ghost.
[SCREAMING]
Oo, that that's interesting.
You kind of gave him a little
power by mentioning him.
There's a lot of science
to unpack about ghosts
[SIGHS] After I talk to my friend.
JERRY: He's in the living room, Rick.
I'm not doing this by myself!
Oh, so you're going to
have an intervention?
No. I'm going to get some friends
to help me talk to a friend,
and you'd know the difference
if you weren't stupid and had friends.
You're mean! Dad!
- Pick your battles, honey.
- Ha ha!
Yeah, fuck you, Summer.
- God damn it.
- Your portal closed.
Oh, did it?
Have an intervention,
or we'll intervention you,
you bunch of stupids.
[DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY,
KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Gearhead! Buddy! Listen.
We gotta help Mr. Poopybutthole.
He's in a bad place.
Well, that sounds like an intervention,
which Gearhead no Likehead.
It's not an intervention.
And you owe me.
Okay, fine, but now I need a drink.
Make it to go and make it two.
Rick, you son of a squanch!
Squanch! Told you he wasn't dead.
- We squanching?
- A little.
We need to have a hang
with Poopybutthole
- and talk to him about
- His drinking.
Us? Not without a squanch.
- I'd love one if you're pouring.
- Make it three.
You left a Gromflomite
femur in the compost.
Your human side is
passionate but careless.
I also found your Federation hit list
Ugh! Don't go through my stuff!
- This place is worse than prison.
- [DOOR SLAMS]
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Rick.
- BP!
It's been a minute.
- Is someone here?
- Birddaughter.
- You found her.
- Yes.
She was imprisoned in a
femme fatale training camp.
That's great! L-Let's go celebrate
with our closest friends
by encouraging Poopybutthole
to dial back his drinking!
Suspect. But I find
fatherhood exhausting
and would like to show my daughter
what real selfishness looks like.
Perfect! Now, do we know anyone sober?
- Have you been drinking?
- On a Thursday?
He seems ideal.
- Waah!
- So, where to?
- A coffee shop?
- No. He'll know something's up.
Yeah! And I'm not
squanching just coffee!
Let's squanch him to a bar!
It would undercut our messaging.
- So it is an intervention.
- No!
We're not asking anybody
to stop drinking
because we're not hypocrites or squares,
we're just concerned friends.
Then we can at least do it
at a place with a bar.
Look, I think if it has food,
it's allowed to have a bar.
[SCREAMS]
[THUDS]
MR. POOPYBUTTHOLE:
Appreciate you guys taking me out.
It's been a rough week.
Amy's taking pilaaaates
from a guy named Guy.
You've been surveilling your ex-wife?
Oooweeee, not with
the restraining order!
I hired a Predator to follow her around.
You can hire [BURPS] Predators?
Yeah, they're cheap because
they live for the hunt
you just have to pay 'em
to not kill your target,
and if they stay cloaked,
there's no licensing fee.
Welcome to Fuck You's!
My name is Mart, and Fuck you!
See, at Fuck You's,
we lightly tease our customers.
Oh, this is fun!
What do you know, Gilligan?
[CHUCKLES] Nice!
Look at this depressed pencil eraser.
Did some middle schooler
stick you up a cat's asshole?
I bet you had everything
and you watched it slip through
your powerless little fingers
like the sands of time.
Be right back to take your order, folks,
or should I say, fucks!
Perhaps this wasn't the
best place to do this, Rick.
What are you talkin' about?
This is a great place to
celebrate my birthdaaay!
Birthday Birthday
Birthday Birthday
- Birthday Birthday
- Your birthday?
Ooo weee. I can't believe
y'all remembered!
I was at the end of my rope,
thinking I'd worn out
aaall my welcomeees.
Thanks for doing all this, Riiick!
O-of course, Mr. PB.
What are friends for?
Heard we got a birthday boy?!
Yeeeah, but please don't sing or
Yah! Fuck you, shithead!
Haha, yeah. That sure is a smart hat
Because even my son Poopy Jr. hates me!
[CRYING] Ooooweehehehe!
I can relate.
Birddaughter is a total bitch.
If you're a parent, you can say that.
Weeeell. Should we do shooots?
Rick?
Let's get riggity-riggity-wrecked!
- [ALL CHEER]
- I-I-I take a shot ♪
Do a pop, blow a
line, huff turpentine ♪
Get wrecked, text your ex,
fight a cop, feeling fine ♪
Punch your dick, turn some tricks ♪
Quit your job, buy a dog ♪
Have two beers, then ten more ♪
Pop a pill and meet the floor ♪
♪♪
- [SLURPS]
- That one's not my bellybutton.
Well, what is it?
♪♪
[SCREAMING]
♪♪
Oo weee!
[LAUGHTER]
Whoa!
Whoo-hoo!
Hold on, everyone!
- Whoa!
- Ah!
- Oh, God!
- Oh, woah!
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
Is there a restroom?!
At the front.
[GRUNTS]
MR. POOPYBUTTHOLE:
Oh, it was a bad idea! Oooo weee!
- Yeah, ha ha!
- Oh, man!
[BRAKES HISS]
[ALL GROANING]
Oooo weee!
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
- [LAUGHTER]
- Whoo!
- Aah!
Oh, shit, it's happening!
Honey rave!
Bee time, baby!
Whoa, what world is this?
- We're on Earth.
- How do you know?
Because I think that is Hugh Jackman.
[MUSIC CONTINUES IN SLOW-MOTION]
Oh, shit, it is.
Hey, Jackman!
Makes sense he recognizes me.
We both hosted the Oscars.
It's a pretty exclusive club.
Listen, guys, don't make this tacky.
Nobody call him "Wolverine."
Just treat him like a regular
Gene! Small world, mate!
Hugh! Hugh married my cousin.
Which I guess makes
him a Wolver-ine-law.
Ha ha! That is fantastic!
Hey, didn't you host the Oscars?
- Yeah, I, uh
- All right, all right, listen.
Now, I'm not assuming
you guys want to party
with me tonight, but if you do
- Ooo wee!
- I wanna party with Hugh Jackman.
- Squanch yeah!
- If you do,
you do it together, as a team.
Now, I need to go take what
I call a "Huge Ackman."
Ackman is Australian slang for shit.
Don't look it up. Do make a decision.
Because from here,
I'm heading to the Jack Shack.
- What's the Jack Shack?
- It's just his house.
But, guys, I don't think
we should go there.
I challenge you to explain why not
without making us want to go more.
Well, Hugh's pretty anti-limitation.
When he parties, it gets extreme.
Challenge failed.
Woah! What's extreme by the Gene metric?
Does he have "Les Mis" shot glasses?
We're not exactly
squanchweights, brother.
It's my birthday, and I wish
to party with Huuugh Jackman.
Then you shaaaaaalllllllll! ♪
- That was a fast shit.
- But first everybody's taking these.
What are they?
Huh, maybe they're Tic Tacs.
Maybe they're cyanide.
[CHUCKLING] Maybe I don't like to party
with people that hesitate.
Heh heh heh! There you go!
That's the spirit!
Now we're all completely
Fuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh! ♪
[CHANTING IN HARMONY]
This was not oversold!
"A, B, D, E" I lost my "C."
My alphabet has no "C"!
Did I do these already?
D-Did I ask that already?
Squanch, yeah! My turn!
Did I win?
♪♪
- Mm. [SNIFFLES] Mm.
- Ahhh
The best bloody day of my life.
My wedding was pretty great, too.
I was talking about the Tony award.
Yooohoho! Pull!
- Yeah!
- Woo-hoo!
We're squanching now!
Why the long face, mate?
Shape of my skull.
You know, Mr. Poopybutthole,
when I wrote "Caribbean Queen,"
you know what my agent said?
- Billy Ocean wrote that
- That's what he said.
Exactly that. "Billy Ocean wrote this.
Don't write it again.
You're not Billy Ocean."
You know what I did? I fired my agent.
Don't accept other people's limitations.
What does your heart want, lil' ripper?
Right now, don't think.
Right now, my heart wants Amy back.
Everybody! Our friend wants Amy back.
- Squanch idea!
- I will agree to anything in this state.
I do not think that's a good idea.
Ladies and gentlemen!
This man is a fake friend!
- Come on, Hugh.
- "Come on, Hugh.
Come on, everybody.
Don't call Hugh Jackman Wolverine.
Don't call yourself Billy Ocean.
Don't get Amy Back."
You're a vampire, brother.
You feed off other people's energy.
- That is kind of true.
- Are you kidding me?!
You've been living on my
daughter's sofa for months!
- Do you want me to leave?
- The entire family does!
- Why not say something?
- Because you're my friend!
A real friend would have
known it's not my birthday.
[LAUGHING] Oooooooooh, shit!
Fake friend!
You're not helping, Hugh Jackman!
Yoooooou do not tell meeeeee what to do!
- Or anyone here.
- Affirmative.
- Woo!
- Yeah, baby!
Why would you pretend
it was your birthday?!
You think I don't know a
half-assed intervention
when I see one coming?!
Oooooooooooooh, shit!
Mm! I love where you are, man.
You're just Wolverining right
now. You You feel that?
I think so.
Does Wolverining hurt a little?
TOGETHER: Every time!
All right, grab a drink
to go, gentlemen.
Because we're either getting Amy back
or we're going home.
- You're nuts!
- Then nut me up, bitch!
Nut me up!
TOGETHER: [CHANTING]
Nut me up! Nut me up!
- It's not an expression!
- Woo!
- Ha ha!
- Amy's coming back dead or alive!
- Woah!
- Haha!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Fake friend, my ass.
I know how to be there for my friends.
[GROANING]
Father?! Why?!
Ah, crap. Hang on.
Lemme go upstairs and grab
the business finisher.
From where I'm sitting,
you're the one with unfinished business.
Hey, mind your own business.
Business is my business!
And, brother, business is good.
[SIGHS]
[INSECTS CHIRPING]
Oh, you come back to ruin our fuuun?
No. To help you finish this.
I made you guys come out
because I didn't want
to talk to PB alone.
I'm here to go down with the ship.
- Respect, Rick.
- GENE: Hit it, Hugh!
[INSTRUMENTAL COVER OF
"CARIBBEAN QUEEN" PLAYS]
I lose my cool when
she steps in the room ♪
♪♪
Unh, unh ♪
And I get so excited
just from her perfume ♪
Oo weee, there she is. My Amy!
♪♪
HUGH: Electric eyes ♪
- That you can't ignore ♪
- Oh, she feels my love around her!
- Oowee!
- Wow. Your love is pretty strong.
♪♪
- I guess that's not all she's feeling.
- And passion burns you ♪
- Like never before ♪
- Predator P.I.?
This is the opposite of
what I hired you for!
Now, now. Did you do this, Gul'Karna?
- I was in search of a good time ♪
- You do this?
- You do this?
- Just running my game ♪
- I'm gonna uncloak this later
- Now. Now. Now.
Okay, honestly, PB, that
could have gone a lot worse
PB?
- Caribbean Queen ♪
- Ooooweeee, gotta goooo!
Run!
[GROWLS]
I'm too drunk to flee
a Predator right now!
Mud! The The mud thing!
Everyone mud up and hide!
♪♪
What's that smell?
Ugh, Squanchy! That's not mud.
Well, I'm not from this planet!
Daddy, what's happening?
Quiet, Poopy Jr.! I'm taking you home!
Aah!
Look, I just didn't think I could
- What? Be honest?
- Don't high-road me!
It's just as dishonest to play dumb
about wearing out your welcome!
- You could've just told me!
- You're an adult!
Read the room and figure it out!
♪♪
♪♪
[TAB POPS]
[ROARS]
I admit it that that
was self destructive.
♪♪
Use me as a shield!
- I feel nothing!
- Ca-cawwww!
[BOTH SCREAM]
Squanch this!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS] I'm so
I'm so squanched up, man.
- [GROWLS]
- [GRUNTS]
I-I'm not really with these guys.
I was just walking in this park
Aagh!
No! [GARBLED]
Why is this my thing?!
No! I won't let you take
my family from me!
[GRUNTING]
Ow! Oh, ohhhhhhh!
[ROARS]
Guess you didn't see
season 4, episode 3!
Let's go Oh! Oh! Ohh! Fuck!
- [SNARLS]
- Oh!
Who's got the three dots
on their forehead now?
Could have done that
before he punched me.
[GROWLS]
- Suck my squanch!
- [SNARLS]
Ahhh!
[GROANS]
[ALL GRUNTING]
Gimme that big ol' tooth!
Gullll'Karrrna
[GROANING]
[GROANING]
[SCREECHING]
No, no, no, stop!
What are you doing? I want that skull!
No, Rick. No more.
This is my fault. All of it.
And if he's gonna protect
my wife and chiiild,
that's a great thing to know
while I get my shit together.
AMY: Wayne?
- Wayne?
- Aaaamy.
I-I messed up real baaad.
I came to say I don't know
what to do without you,
but I guess I can start
by not kidnapping.
That's definitely
where you should start.
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
I'm sorry, Amy.
You should be. But I'm not.
We're a family now
Me, Poopy Jr., and Gul'Karna,
Clan Leader of The Skin-Thieves.
Goodbye, Wayne.
Goodbye.
Ooo-weee, a musket?
I'm starting to think
it's like their currency.
I hunt because I must.
But man possesses a precious
gift the power to change.
More like the power of music, bitch!
- What the fuck?!
- Jesus, Hugh,
we were just resolving it.
Well, I'm an actor, and I'm high.
"'Caribbean Queen,'
written by Hugh Jackman, age sixteen."
How's that for a twist?
Confusing.
Well, sometimes you have to believe.
Wow, that's reeeal inspiring.
Makes me think of how
- Get the hell out of here!
- Okay, okay, sorry!
All right, guys, I'm buying
drive-through tacos,
but nobody tells my nutritionist
and we have to steal a car.
♪♪
RICK: "Wayne," huh?
Oooweee.
But I prefer Mr. Pooooopybutthole.
More refined.
[PHONE BUZZES AND CAWS]
It appears Birddaughter has broken
into another Federation compound.
I must go.
Wayne, this counts as attending
your actual birthday.
Rick. It was canonical to see you.
Yeah, let's call it.
I wanna pass out before
I remember what we did tonight.
I never want to forget it.
And I never want to repeat it.
Proud of you, little buddy.
You too, Squanch.
Awww, fuck! Look at us!
A bird guy, talking cat,
uh, what are you?
A robot man, and a mutant.
Wow. Was a bonzer night, mates!
That's one for the books.
MR. POOPYBUTTHOLE:
Oooo, bonzer night indeed.
Kept in touch with the
guys over the years.
As much as ya can in this fast world.
Birdperson went home
to take on a challenge
way more difficult than a Predator
raising Birddaughter.
Gearhead went back to The Gear System
and got a spinal replacement.
He's still paying it off.
Squanchy?
Checked himself into a nice rehab.
No one thought it would
stick, and it didn't.
He was later arrested for smuggling
toad venom across the border.
Hugh Jackman went to the Jack Shack
to glue back together the
Tony award that Gene shot.
And possibly to put a bullet
in all future Wolverine references.
Thanks to us.
And what came of Rick?
I think he learned something that night.
About friendship.
About honesty.
And maybe he learned
something about himseelllf.
Oh. Here. Forgot to
give you a fading pill.
Great for hangovers. Just to clarify,
I-I had to take an un-fading pill
to counteract the original
fading pill I just took.
Oh. Uh. Okay?
And if you're hung up on
why the taxi disappeared,
the the pills aren't sentient,
but they do detect human coverings,
so it saw the taxi as some
sort of large overcoat
doesn't matter.
You, uh, gonna be all right?
Got a place to stay?
I can 3D print you an
apartment on the moon.
I'll figure it out, Rick. Thanks.
Well, here I go pill'in again.
Yep. Don't any of you worry
about Mr. Pooooopybutthole.
I got a lot of work to do,
but I'll land on my poopy little feet.
I always do!
Owww! This burns like hell!
How did the other guys not react?
Is mine different?
It's like my skin is boiling!
Guys, I got the Best Buds Burrito Box!
They normally ask for
proof of friendship,
but the cashier trusted me
that you guys were out
heeere.
Not cool, man.
Aah.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
You don't have to do this, Sheriff!
It's your last day on the job!
That's exactly why I must.
I ain't retiring a coward.
Now get out of here, Officer.
And go take care of my granddaughter.
♪♪
♪♪
[GUNSHOT]
♪♪
[SMOOCHES]
♪♪
[SMOOCHES]
[SMOOCHES]
[SMOOCHES]
♪♪
When I was young and in my prime ♪
My mind being free from care ♪
I ain't scared of you!
Whilst leaving all in Donegal ♪
That I might plough ♪
[STRAINED] The raging main ♪
Going to Amerikay ♪
♪♪
[WHIMPERS]
♪♪
[MOWER POWERS DOWN]
W-What happened?
I think it ran out of gas.
Oh.
Sooo, he could have survived
if he just stood back five feet?
Well
let's not tell his granddaughter that.