Shameless s07e01 Episode Script

Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away! What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented - to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes! Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers, who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Scatter.
Party! Some old fella was found dead in his bed.
Nothing unusual in that.
Apart from the fact he'd snuffed it at least six months previous.
Nothing unusual in that, apart from the fact that he lived in a busy street that prides itself on Neighbourhood Watch and community spirit.
But somewhere amongst all that bonhomie, a human being had died and no-one had even noticed, because they were all too busy, too selfish to clock it.
All right, babes.
What we need is for someone to shake us out of this sleep we're in, to remind us that we're all cogs in a big machine and if we don't start looking after each other, then we're doomed.
We need someone to show us the way, set an example.
We need a hero! But where are you going to find one of them around here, eh? Heythe one thing I do not need when I'm in this much of a hurry is one of your floozies taking space in the bathroom.
Yeah, happy 50th birthday, you miserable bastard.
And I didn't pull a floozy last night.
I'm very happy with Maxine.
with her ablutions.
I'm outside, bladder's bursting.
Had to take a piss in the sink in the end.
Why bring her here? What if Maxine finds out?! Finds out what, Frank? Oh, my dad was just asking me how I think you'd react if you caught me with this lady here.
I'd rip his balls off.
I wouldn't blame you.
Hey, morning, Frank.
Remember me? Yeah, we met in The Jockey last night.
Yeah, we had a few drinks, got chatting and before long, we found ourselves back here, one thing led to another and, er, here she is We are.
Isn't that right? Enjoy it? Fucking hell! Happy birthday, mate! None of this would've happened if I'd got my alarm clock I asked for.
Where've you been, you selfish little shit? Out earning a living, so don't wag a finger at me, you job-shy, sponging waste of space! Don't talk to me like that.
I've got a job, and all.
I contribute! I've got a job.
Wouldn't really call it a job.
Oh, well what would you call it, then, smartarse? Community service? My boy lollipop Come on.
You make my heart go giddy-up Nice to see you paying your debt to society, Gallagher.
Not long now.
Half of me can't wait.
The other half don't want it to happen at all.
They say you forget the pain, though.
How could you forget the sensation of having an eight-pound bundle of flesh and bone trying to fight its way out your minge? Seven I've had.
There's more scar tissue down there than fanny now.
I remember Paddy telling me he'd finished.
I didn't even know he'd started.
Like chucking a chipolata up the Mersey tunnel.
All sense of grip gone.
Worth it, though.
When you've got that little bundle in your arms, it's all worth it.
I just want it out now.
I mean, two weeks overdue.
I was three weeks over carrying our Jamie.
A few tricks you might want to try.
Me and Paddy were at it 24/7 to try and budge him.
Tried that.
I love you.
God, I love you.
Curry? Heartburn.
Get a few gins down your neck.
Might that damage the baby? Nah, I did it with all of mine.
They turned out OK.
- Where do you want these, Mam? - Kitchen.
All this is for Liam, is it? His birthday party tonight as well.
Oh I feel sorry for Liam having to share a birthday with you.
He'd have been better off born with the number of the beast on his head.
Oh, well Nin! All right, Nin! How's my second favourite great-grandson? Yeah, I'm cool.
This is my girlfriend, Max.
This is Nin.
Hiya.
Fancy a brew? Oh, that would be lovely.
- Happy birthday, Liam.
- Nin! And happy birthday, Vernon.
Oh, cheers, Nin.
I would've been round sooner but Jonty went hypoglycaemic, so I've spent half the morning force-feeding him Mars bars.
Sister.
Thank Christ for that.
Well, I've come round to offer my services.
I heard Monica had popped out for a loaf again.
Oh, I wonder where you heard that from Thanks, love.
Well, I love cooking, cleaning, ironing's a doddle, babies need a mother, so do young boys.
And with Debbie in the Army now I don't think that's going to work, Nin.
It can't be easy, with Monica leaving.
Well, we've all adapted.
Nin could come a couple of nights a week, maybe.
You could stay over.
Liam'd bunk in Stella's room.
Yes, you could go out for a pint, I could babysit.
No.
No, it's too much.
Much too much.
No way.
hell.
All right.
It was just a thought.
I've got to get off now.
Jonty'll be needing a feed.
Yeah Eh, don't be a stranger.
I'll pop round when I can.
Bye, darling.
Nice to meet ya.
You're welcome to come round whenever you want.
Yeah, whenever.
OK, bye-bye.
- You piece of shit.
- That was horrible.
She's lonely.
I'm lonely.
You're a sociopath, she's an OAP.
It's not always about you, you know.
- It's not - What about us and Liam? Oh.
Nin wanted to help - we could have done with it! You better have remembered Liam's present.
You promised him! Yeah, course I remembered! Not every day your youngest lad reaches his teens, is it? He's 11.
Get off me fuckin' case! Get out! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Micky, any chance you can use your contacts in the underworld to get us one of them? Eight tonight, the latest? Cost ya.
- 45.
- 35.
Deal.
- Go on, kids.
- Liam told me about Nin.
- Wait there.
- Nice one Just what I need - Esther Rantzen! All that shit you fed us about how Nin was the one that saved you when you were little and your mum died and how you were living with your bastard of a father, that was all bollocks? So she moves in and it's all cottage pies and starched shirts.
But you know yourself, within weeks we'll be sponging her women's bits and wiping her arse! I'm a single parent now, got two kids under At the age of 50, I'd like a little bit of colour in my otherwise monochrome life! Selfish! Left the upbringing of his kids to anyone that'd take 'em on, and I should know - I'm one of them! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I made mistakes! Oh, I'm fallible! Let he who is without sin cast the first st Oh! Not funny son, not fuckin' OK, OK, OK.
Contrition you want, and contrition you shall have! N-o-o-o! - Oh! - Dozy bastard! I shouldn't wear these things.
You saved my life.
Just doing my duty, Mrs? Miss.
Miss Croker.
Libby Croker.
Thank you.
Hey What you after, Lillian? Can't I wish a friend and neighbour all the best on his big one? Well, you could if I was your friend and neighbour.
And you're getting nowhere near my big one.
Your survival's been a combination of advanced medical science and sheer bloody-mindedness.
You can go when you've finished.
Half a century, eh? Wish I'd had a bet on that.
Imagine the odds! - Of what? - You still being here.
And when it is your turn to meet your maker, it'll be sudden, like the flicking of a switch.
# Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear What the fuck? Happy birthday, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Well, if you're wondering why they all left, I'll enlighten you.
You're not worth hanging around for.
I had something good, something special with each of these women.
They haven't had something good with you, though, have they? Cos the minute they woke up to what you were, they were gone, and I don't blame them, cos the minute I can get out, I will.
Well, why wait? Libby Croker.
Miss Croker.
Could this get any better? I think it could.
There's no need to apologise for your father.
He always was a selfish little shit.
- Just like his mother.
- Was she as bad? Yeah, but at least she was sober.
Well, some of the time.
Now, you've had your birthday treat, I want you and me to have a talk.
If it's the birds and the bees thing, it's about six weeks too late.
You're full of promise, Liam.
I want you to fulfil your potential.
- Go for it.
- Give me a hand.
Someday you're going to be faced with a situation where to get where you want, you have to tread on someone's head.
And when that situation arises I know, do the right thing.
No, none of that touchy-feely bollocks.
Go for the jugular, the kill.
- What kind of advice is that? - Good advice.
Carry no passengers.
- Bit rich, coming from you.
- Jonty? I hate the fucking sight of him.
If I'd known he was going to cabbage within six months of our marriage, I'd have steered well clear.
Look at him, useless.
An endless drain on my time, energy and resources.
Oh, you don't mean that.
I do.
He'd be better off dead.
Me and him both.
Here.
You finish up and get off home.
Oh, God.
His bag's burst again.
I'll get the bucket, you open the windows.
Weirdest place you've ever done it.
Llandudno.
- Bog on a train.
- Together? - No! - Back of a police bike.
It were parked up.
Spain.
- What, was it a copper? - Yeah.
- Uniform, boots, tache? - Uh-huh.
Lillian, weirdest place you've ever done it? Up the bum.
Brendan was a bugger for it.
Jamie! He's at Frank's party with his ma and pa.
Get out.
The day of judgment looms, eh? Pritchard Junior's gonna pop out and then you've got some explaining to do, haven't you? - Well, I'll tell him if you want.
- Get out.
Sorry, Jamie.
Thing is, me and your missus, we just couldn't help ourselves.
Some sort of attraction going on, and try as we might we just can't fight it.
- I love Jamie.
- But you want me.
He's reliable, solid, trustworthy, loyal, gentle.
He'll make a lovely dad.
And he bores the fuckin' arse off ya.
Get out! Ah! Shit! Get an ambulance! Oh, brilliant Jamie's gonna love this one! Big daddy's gonna miss it! Please! All these months of antenatal and birth partner classes and he's necking it round the Gallaghers' when the big moment comes.
Priceless, Karen! Right, come here.
Fuck off! I don't want you anywhere near us! Your call.
Joe! I need you to help me.
Being a dad was the best thing that ever happened to me.
He used to say marrying me was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Yeah, he'd be lying.
Just wait till the time comes, son.
This surge, this wall of emotion, like you've never experienced before in your life.
It'll happen the second you clap eyes on them.
It was three months before I had the courage to even squint at my Rodney.
The midwife gasped when he came out.
I'll just give Karen a call, see if she's OK.
Hey, make the most of it, son, while you can.
It'll be your last party you go to for a few years.
Karen'd call if she needed ya.
No! Right, drop 'em! Where the fuck is the ambulance?! Come on, come on, come on, try and stay calm.
What What did they tell you to do in your classes? I'll go see where they are.
Don't leave me! It's coming! I'm scared, Joe.
I'm scared.
I'm scared! This is your last chance.
This is your last chance.
You say the word and we disappear.
You, me, and baby.
We get away from this place, get away from them.
You deserve better than this, Karen, and you know it! Jamie! What the fuck? Meet your son.
Joe.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, he's beautiful.
Where's Stella? I'm not her father.
I'm the 11-year-old kid, remember? - Well, when did you last have her? - Kelly's got her.
Eh? Happy belated birthday.
There's mud on the wheels.
Yeah, I had to ride it.
Delivery van broke down.
All right, it's knock-off.
But if you scratch off the serial number and give it a re-spray, it'll be as good as new.
How can I afford a new one? Do what every other parent around here does.
Catalogue, borrow, - could even try getting a job.
- I've got a - It's community - fuckin' service, yeah.
- Do you want this or what? - Yeah.
Yeah, well, "Thank you, Dad.
" What's in for breakfast? I've had mine.
Byron.
Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
Good to see you again.
You all right? There aren't enough men like you in the world.
Your wife's a very lucky lady.
She's dead.
Dead Deadimpressed.
Well, she was, when we were together.
Torn asunder.
Buggered off, yeah.
Not seen you in here before.
Well, I'm just, um helping me son with his revision.
Getting a few research books, you know.
I'd tell your son to make the most of this place.
Might not be here much longer if local government get their way.
Oh.
Well, get most stuff online now, though, eh? That's no substitute for books.
Opening, inviting you to turn, explore, experience.
Virginal.
Never forget a good one, do you? The majority of the internet's used for porn, did you know that? People would rather watch other people making love than make love themselves, experience all that life has to offer via a third party.
Anything to stop them engaging.
You're not one of them, are you? Frank.
Are you a doer or a watcher, Francis? A doer, definitely.
Always doing, me.
Do you like to feel the paper, Frank? Are you a page turner or a mouse scroller? Well, let me show you.
What you doing tonight? Tonight's an empty page.
I've got a cracking quill.
Plenty of ink.
This lady doesn't surrender her favours so easily.
Thrill of the chase, eh? You try to pass yourself off as a man of integrity, but for all I know, you might be a charlatan.
Oh, heaven forfend.
So, prove yourself Frank.
Down.
Down.
Down.
Thank you all so much.
It's great, cheers.
Where did you get it from? Here and there.
We're wetting the baby's head tonight, if you're up for it? - We'll see how we go, eh? - I'll be there.
Maybe you should get some rest.
And maybe you should stop telling me what I can and can't do.
If I can't celebrate him coming into the world, who can? - I just came to drop a present off.
- Cheers.
There's a party later to celebrate the arrival of the little fella.
You'll be there.
I don't know, Paddy, uh I do.
You brought my grandson into the world safe and sound.
Who knows what might've happened if you hadn't been there? Sure.
Cheers, mate.
I'll be there.
OK, everybody, and before our star turn, we can announce the winner of the guess the weight competition.
- It's Micky Maguire.
- Yes! In your face! Seven pound, four ounces.
Well done.
There's your 50 quid.
- That's exactly the reaction I was after.
- Don't know what you mean.
You were out after me in less than a minute.
Don't flatter yourself.
Karen? Come on, just about to do the toast.
To our son.
Connor Joseph Maguire.
Connor Joseph Maguire! ConnorJoseph Maguire.
Donegal Express) - Nin rang.
- Hey, what the fuck?! - She wants to see you.
- Well, I don't want to see her.
She asked me to bring ya, and I'm bringing ya.
All right.
Liam, Liam, wait, wait, wait.
Look, I can't stand it over there.
The sight of Jonty makes me fucking heave and there's this, like, this smell She's giving me a lecture on how to succeed in life, and I've got to sit there listening to that.
If I've got to suffer, so have you.
- I've got a date, I'm on a promise.
- She can wait.
Fuck! I was hasty when I saw you last time, unfeeling, and for that, I apologise.
I just Oh, it was like me whole life was crashing in around me.
I'm not interested in your sob stories, Vernon.
Nothing you can say I haven't heard before.
No, but life's on the up now, Nin.
Yeah! I met someone.
Someone special, you know, decent, and she makes me feel like I want to change, be a better man, you know? Has he dropped any Es lately? Clean as a whistle.
Got a date later.
Pass me my bag, will you, Liam? Ta.
Soyou think she's the one, eh? She's one of the ones.
I have never felt this way before.
I feel younger.
You know, optimistic.
Energised.
Positive.
You know? Take her somewhere special.
Go on.
Cheers, Nin.
I will.
Liam, get me a glass of water, will you? And the tablets on my bedside table.
Thank you so much for this, Nin.
Think of the cash as payment.
For what? For being my witness.
Fucking hell! No! No! They're gonna ask who did it, and you're gonna tell 'em it was me.
You just Fucking selfishor what?! I'm gonna be late for Libby now.
Is Liam OK? He's ten, for God's sake.
He shouldn't be here.
He's fine.
And he's 11.
- I need to see him, check he's OK.
- You're going nowhere.
Look, I've been through a nightmare here.
My son my teeleven-year-old son has seen things no kid should see.
You're expecting us to believe that a frail old lady in her 80s killed her own husband? Look, Nin She was under an incredible amount of strain, looking after a man who didn't know his arse from his elbow and couldn't wipe either if he wanted to, right? She tried, with no back-up from anti-social services, no meals on wheels, no help at all, and You're not thinking Liam did it? We're thinking you did.
So where did Joseph come from? Granddad.
Granddad Joey.
Treated me like a princess.
When Mam and Dad were at each other's throats I dunno, it must have been a telepathy.
He'd come round and he'd take me away from it all.
He made me feel special.
I just thought that'd be nice.
If I ever find out you're lying, Karen About fuckin' time! They had to wait for forensic before they could release you.
Had to check the gun for prints.
They're building the gallows in there, giving pissin' Pierrepoint a ring! Why were you so slow in telling them what happened, you selfish little twat?! Hang on a minute! Bus fare? She walks in beauty Like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies And all that's best of dark and bright meet in her aspect And her eyes thus mellowed to that tender night Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
Hardly a glass slipper.
I'm hardly Prince Charming.
It doesn't bother you, does it, thatthat I've got kids? I mean, I can always trace their mum and You're all give, give, give, just like me.
Wouldn't mind a turn at taking.
Hey, how about we learn together? I want passion, Frank.
Excitement, adrenalin.
I want to wake up in the morning not knowing what the day has to offer, and if you can't give me that, then you're not the man for me.
I am that man.
Talk's cheap.
How about we dance naked till the sun comes up? I'm due at work at eight and there's the protest straight after tea.
Oh, the library protest, yeah.
I will not be ignored, Frank.
Not this time.
Let's make the bastards sit up and take notice.
Let's not wave our banners but set the place alight.
Ask for them to leave our library alone? No, we tell them! We dictate the conditions.
This is our moment to shape history, Libby.
You with me? I want you.
Now.
Toilet.
Two minutes.
You want adrenalin, excitement? Leg it.
No-one in? Husband? Not married.
- Kids? - No.
Is that biology or opportunity? Combination of the two.
What the fuck is this? Fuckin' hell I'm not your first, am I? Cos I don't think I've got the time to No, no, it's just that this particular book's not had its spine bent in quite a while.
One shade the more, one ray the less Had half impaired the nameless grace Which waves with every raven tress, or softly lightens o'er herface.
Look, just I thought you were a man of passion, Frank? Well, I've had my moments, yeah.
So, surrender.
Well, it's pretty hard waving the white flag when your concentration's being tested.
Where thoughts - Oh, yeah! - serenely sweet express how pure, how dear their resting Oh, just Hang on.
Oh, f I'm sorry, it's just not happening.
It's hard for me to maintain, you know, interest with you droning on Byronically Please, Frank.
Please.
Ooooh, yes.
Oh, let me have it! Let me grab your soul away! Let me have it! Oh, for fuck's sake! You know it's me Cathy! Oh, fuck! I thought she'd died.
She's narcoleptic.
Nod off at the drop of a hat.
There are certain triggers, excitement being one of them.
But don't flatter yourself.
She passes out on a regular basis watching Britain's Got Talent.
- Get that drunk and go.
- I wouldn't mind seeing how she is.
No, you won't be seeing her again.
You're no good for her and she's no good for you.
- I like her.
- You don't know her.
- I like what I know.
- She'd shag anything.
You're not that special, no matter what she told you.
It smacks of sincerity to me.
Did she tell you of her broken engagement? The half-caste lad from Liverpool, who married another woman so he could inherit a fortune, broke our Libby's heart? Yeah, she told me on the way over here.
That's Scousers for ya.
It's the plot of Wuthering Heights.
Hasn't got a life of her own, so she lives other people's.
Told me once she was up the duff.
Taken advantage of by a local landowner after a charity dance.
I said, "You stop right there, lady.
" Tess Of The D'Urbervilles had been on the telly the week before and it had addled her brain.
Thanks for the tea.
Forget her.
Move on.
It'll end in tears.
And what's that the plot of, then? I want better for my daughter.
You want better for yourself, cos you know if she got a life of her own, - yours is as good as over.
- I'm her anchor.
- Millstone.
- She'd be lost without me.
- She'd thrive without you! - I'm warning you! She's the first bit of light I have had in my grey life for a very long time, and if you think I'm going to let you cast your wizened, selfish, gnarled, bitter little shadow over this, you are sadly mistaken.
You don't scare me.
Ditto.
Now fuck off, Ironside.
Ooh! Oh, how are you? I haven't seen you for donkey's.
I'm great, Nin.
It's you I'm worried about.
Oh, me? Don't you worry about me.
I know what I'm doing.
We just wanted to make sure you were OK.
Fine.
I'm fine.
Oh, I know some people think what I did was wrong, but Jonty had no real quality of life, which meant I didn't either.
We had a word with your lawyer.
He reckons you could be out in two years.
Extenuating circumstances.
- You can come and stay with us.
- I like it here.
It's warm.
My room-mate's very nice.
And they do courses! Imagine! Nin, you don't have to stay.
With good behaviour I'm a Gallagher.
We've never been one for behaving.
All I've got to do is make sure I never get out.
Never.
Now that's your cue to get out.
No credit.
Explain.
The only time I see you with a smile on your face is when you're after something.
And aren't we a proper likkle ray of fuckin' sunshine? - What are you on? - Nothing.
High on something.
- Life.
Love.
Should try it.
- 7.
75.
You may not have the empire of a Shirley Porter, the business acumen of a Lord Sainsbury, your establishment has the aesthetic appeal of the Beirut branch of Netto butyou still have the love of a good man, agreed? - Well.
Yeah.
- What more do you need? Thank you.
Oh, you fucking cu Sorry about the bike.
Put the feelers out for another one, eh? Does nothing ever trouble your conscience? Eh, listen, son, I negotiate my way through life's moral maze with ease.
So Eh! For the demo.
All this effort.
Hope she's worth it.
Yeah, yeah, she is.
Makes little Frank feel like he's 17 again.
You know what I mean? Hang on, hang on! Something you don't know anything about yet, sunshine, is the union between a man and a woman.
I've known about it for years, the walls in this house are paper thin.
Yeah, but you never experienced it.
Came close.
When we shared that bunk in Pwllheli.
You see, I've met someone who who inspires, ignites, lights a flame in my soul.
And goes like a rabbit.
Yeah, that too, yeah.
But, you know, this is different.
You know, it's in its infancy but I know that it's something that I want to pursue, you know, nurture.
How do I look? Desperate.
What do you think? What do we want? Libraries.
When do we want them? Now! What do we want? Libraries.
When do we want them? Now! More reading, less breeding! More reading, less breeding! More reading, less breeding! More reading, less breeding! The rover returns! You can't get rid of me that easily, Miss Croker, I know where you live.
What do we want? Libraries.
When do we want them? Now! I knew from the second I set eyes on you.
I knew you were the one.
Do you believe in destiny, Frank? Well, I'm more of a random sequence of events man, meself, though I can see the attraction of believing that certain happenings are preordained, yeah.
Fucking bastard! Shit.
Send for backup.
Get the TAU now! Listen to me, Frank.
This is it, our moment to shape history! It's our moment to do a runner.
Take this time and shape it, Frank.
Make a stand, make a mark, do something that matters.
Stay, Frank.
I'll make it worth your while.
Oh! No! - No! - No! No! Libby! Frank! Libby Fuck's sake, Dad.
Apologising to coppers, assuring them you'll keep out of trouble in the future? Well, I'm sorry for having a pulse, thinking there's a cause worth fighting for, for not thinking about myself for once but for the greater good.
So did you get your end away? It was a bit public.
Where is she? She won't get bail.
She won't get out.
At least not for a good few months.
Is she worth waiting for? Come on.
On reflection, I'd say there's a certain amount of selfishness necessary for survival.
Like when you're flying and they say in the safety demo, "In the event of a decompression, "help children and others only after you've put on your own oxygen mask.
" You've got to look after yourself before you can even begin to look after others.
It's all about balance.
That's the trick.
Get that right and you've cracked it.
Lamb stew, lamb hotpot, lamb curry.
Don't you think we should have a bit more variety? I'm trying to make sure that they have a bit of meat and two veg inside them.