The Conners (2018) s07e01 Episode Script

Best funeral ever.
Are you going to random funerals again?
No. It wasn't random.
My boss passed away,
and they gave me her job.
So now I'm off the cafeteria line,
work ends at three,
and I'll get more time at home with Ben.
Mmm. When's he getting back anyway?
Uh, tomorrow.
And it sucks 'cause I'm wearing
my date night clothes
and I would love to
go celebrate with him, but
Hey. Uh, I just got a promotion.
How about going out
for a celebratory milkshake?
Sounds neat.
Why don't Jughead and I
just ride our bikes down
to the malt shop and meet you?
I can't. I have to go to work.
At eight o'clock at night?
This must be a really
intense job you got.
Uh, yeah.
Well, you know, you don't get to
write code for a Fortune 500 company
unless you're, you know,
pretty dedicated.
Hey, Da Dan! Get in here.
The whole family's
gotta be here to hear this.
Okay, so. Um, I was bored
outta my skull today.
And I took a bunch of brownies
down to the police station
just to say hi to the guys.
Oh, Jackie, you don't need to
give people treats to be your friend.
Use cash.
Give yourself a fighting chance.
Anyway, sarge's brother
just got out of rehab for opioids
and he mentioned the court ruling
where you can sue
the drug manufacturers now.
Of course, he's still in trouble
because he drove through
a fried chicken joint
and they don't have a drive-through.
The point is,
we can sue for Roseanne now.
Dan, isn't that amazing news?
Oh, my God. Wait, if we win,
we could finally have a safety net.
This family has always been one
financial tragedy away from disaster.
We could be like a two-tragedy family.
We won't. [sighs]
We'll lose because
they've got big, fancy lawyers.
All we can afford is the guy
who got me a hundred bucks
because I found a Band-Aid
in a bag of chips.
Did you even look for the finger?
We could all be driving Toyotas
right now.
I can get us a Toyota, baby.
Oh, don't you dare kiss for a Toyota.
Anyway, it doesn't matter
how much we can afford.
Lawyers on these cases,
they'll work for contingencies.
It's not worth all the hassle.
And no amount of money is gonna
bring your sister back or your mom.
I don't even know why the hell
we're talking about this.
[groans] Guys, your dad does not
wanna do this. I wouldn't push him.
Well, sometimes you have to!
He didn't wanna watch Bridgerton either.
But I pushed him.
And now he sits on the couch
with me and Neville
and he sleeps right in front of it.
I made that happen!
7x01 - It's Gonna Be a Great Day
Thanks for coming over
to explain this stuff to me.
I saw all these fees
in my checking account
and I feel like I'm getting ripped off.
You probably don't have enough in
there to cover the maintenance cost.
I had that same problem
before I married well.
[laughs]
Oh! Holy, cats.
You've got plenty of money.
Darlene, your kid's loaded.
And I'm not talking about
the kinda loaded
you and I were when we were his age.
Wow. Don't ever quit that job.
I've never seen anyone
make that kind of money at 19.
Well, uh, my brain's not fried from
being a child alcoholic like you two.
Um, he's an entry-level guy with no
degree making that kind of money?
Ah, you know, he's in computer world.
Algorithms. Zuckerberg. Bitcoin. AI.
You're just stringing together
words that you don't understand.
Humiliated. Ashamed. Don't care.
- Hey. [chuckles]
- Hey.
- Oh, my God.
- [Ben sighs]
The dog on your face ran off.
[chuckles] Yes, it's true. I shaved.
You look like a giant toddler.
- [sighs]
- Hey, I think he looks amazing.
- Oh, I missed you so much.
- I missed you.
Okay, I gotta get
I'm gonna get out of here.
It's a very intimate moment
when a mother and child
are reunited. [laughs]
[laughs]
Hey, while you were moving
the magazine to Lanford,
I made you a little office.
Hey, that's really sweet, okay.
But I actually ended up renting a
little storefront next to Starbucks.
What? Wa I thought you
were gonna work from home.
I was. But when I was
at the offices in Omaha,
it felt productive, you know?
It felt like a real career.
Like, uh, it just made me
feel good about myself.
Well, I can make you
feel good about yourself.
- Look at you, boss guy, doing your thang.
- [laughs]
Yes, that filled my tank right up.
Look, honey. You know, it's gonna
be a few months of 14, 15-hour days
while we're getting
this thing up and running.
But after that, we're going to
have plenty of time together.
And I'm sorry, babe, but I gotta go to the
storefront, start getting my space ready.
Aw. I just used Groupon to get
my space ready, but [grunts]
- I guess it can wait until you get back.
- [gasps]
I heard a guy talking. Is Tyler here?
Mmm, no. It was Ben.
[sighs] Thank God.
Last night he made me
a whole "Tour of Italy" dinner.
I was so full of Rome,
I didn't have any room left for Sicily.
So tonight I have to do
a whole France thing for him.
You guys are really going crazy
with all that lovey-dovey crap
since he moved in.
Don't you have to work on your thesis?
Yes.
But I don't know how to reciprocate
all the nice things he does for me
and finish my master's at the same time.
I guess that's why academics are
lonely and people in love are stupid.
Well, I'm sure he'd understand
if you just needed some time
for schoolwork.
No. We're still in
that romantic bubble phase.
And I'm not gonna be
the first one to pop that.
Where is Ben?
Oh, well, he rented a storefront
for the magazine
and he left to go set it up.
Wow. So he just got back from
Omaha and he's already gone?
I think you're the one who needs
to make a romantic gesture.
Well, he's been home for five minutes,
and I'm already in gesture territory?
I mean, I thought him getting home
and seeing me would be enough.
As someone who sees you,
I can tell you it's not.
You need to make an effort.
Maybe brush your hair
or try women's underwear.
Yeah.
I I get whatever
they have at the supermarket.
Your complaint is with them.
- Hey, honey?
- Yeah?
You haven't said anything about
this whole Roseanne lawsuit thing.
I know you have an opinion.
Yes. My opinion is
you don't wanna talk about it.
You're right, absolutely right.
I don't wanna talk about it.
And here's why.
To be able to continue
my life after she died,
I had to find a way
to put all that pain in a box
and then put it away
in the back of my head.
First, I tried imagining that she
was still alive but somewhere else.
Mmm. You mean like alive in heaven?
No. Just some place
where I'd never see her,
but I could pretend she was still there.
Like North Dakota.
Mmm. That is so sad.
That didn't work,
so I went back out to the grave
and just stared at her name.
I stared until it finally sunk into me
that she was under all that
earth and she wasn't coming back.
And I grieved.
And that became my whole life
until I met you.
Again.
Took you long enough
to get around to that.
[laughs]
Look, I know everybody wants me to sue
because there's a possibility of money.
But what happens if I dig
all this stuff up and
[imitates bomb] nothing.
Dan, you have moved mountains
for this family.
You have a right not to move this one.
[groans] Maybe I didn't
explain myself well.
Yes, I don't wanna do it,
but I feel guilty.
So what I need you to do
is let me rant and rave about it
and then make me do it.
So you want this to be
my decision? Uh-uh. No way.
Oh, damn it, woman. You're my wife.
Your sole purpose is to make me
do things I don't wanna do.
Yes, and I have. And I enjoy it.
Look, honey, uh, this is
between you and your family
and what you feel you can handle.
I love you, but I cannot
make this decision for you.
- [grunts]
- [Becky] Dad, are you here?
You said you changed the locks
for my birthday.
Oh, honey, changing the locks
isn't going to help.
They're in the walls like roaches.
[in low voice] You rang?
[sighs] Do you mind if I sit out
here and work on my homework?
I can't get anything done at my place.
What's the problem?
People dropping in unannounced?
No. I've gotta finish my thesis
or I'm not gonna get my master's.
I have worked so long
and I am so close to graduating,
but Tyler just moved in and
he's trying so hard to make me happy
that I have to try at least that hard back,
and it's killing me.
So tell him to ease up.
He's too sensitive.
Look, a new relationship
is like a new car.
The first dent is always gonna
feel horrible and then you relax
because the tension of getting
that fist dent is over.
Now, go home.
Oh. No, please don't make me
go back there and be loved.
I wasn't raised that way.
Go.
Fine. I'll be honest with him.
Another thing I wasn't raised with.
Oh, hey. Hey. Hi.
Don't know if you remember me,
Jackie Harris.
I, uh, stopped by the station
the other day with the brownies.
Okay.
So, I don't know if you know this,
but I used to be a cop.
Anyway, I haven't said anything
to the family yet,
but it had gotten me to thinking.
Wouldn't it be crazy
if I rejoined the force?
That'd be pretty crazy and very funny.
Yeah, but why crazy?
I mean, the force is re-hiring
former cops
'cause of the shortage and all,
you know?
And I read the policy.
There's no age limit.
You don't need policy to tell old people
they shouldn't go on
the big water slide.
Really?
You know, I'm in better shape now
than I've ever been.
I can take you right now.
You wanna go, huh?
You wanna go right now?
Come on. Let's go. Let's go.
[clears throat]
God. See?
Whoa. I let myself get weak.
[chuckles] That's another reason
for me to do this.
Look, you wanna be a cop, be a cop.
They're always looking
for people for desk jobs.
No. No, no, no.
I wanna be out in the field.
You mean wandering around in it?
'Cause you're so old
you've forgotten where you are?
You know, your ageism
is gonna be my inspiration.
The department needs fresh blood.
Unless you're getting a transfusion,
you're gonna have trouble providing that.
When I pass this physical,
I'm gonna ask to be partnered with you,
and I'm gonna talk. A lot.
Old people talk. I'm gonna talk
about the weather.
I'm gonna talk about
the weather in other states.
I'm gonna read every sign that we pass.
It's gonna be like
Lethal Weapon, but boring.
Chill. God
[grunts] Excuse me.
- I'm looking for my husband, Ben Olinsky.
- [Ben] Hey.
Tall, big, broad shoulders.
Squeals like a little girl
when he sees a hummingbird.
[chuckles] Hey, just so you know,
people in olden times
thought they were fairies,
and it's sad that you can't see
the magic in that.
- Oh, what a nice surprise.
- Mmm.
Well, I knew you would be busy,
but I thought it would be a nice gesture
if I brought you a little treat.
Oh, my gosh. Everybody,
look what my wife brought.
Is she the best or what?
Somebody grab some paper plates.
Everybody dig in.
- Awesome.
- Oh, okay. Um
I'm not sure I brought enough
for all these people.
Oh, you took my vegan lo mein.
Okay. Great. Enjoy.
Well, listen.
You grab something for yourself,
pull up a chair, you can watch us work.
Uh, well, you know,
with everybody eating,
this might be a nice time for us
to sit on the blanket,
have glass of wine.
Oh, sure. I got a second. Yeah.
- Okay.
- [clears throat]
Excuse me.
Where are your nuts?
This has been happening all day.
I'm so sorry. I know that the sign
on the window says "Hardware."
That's because we're a magazine
about hardware.
We're not actually a hardware store.
Sorry. What were you saying?
[groans]
It seems like you got
a lot going on here.
Can you knock off a little early
maybe and just meet me at The Lobo?
Maybe we can make out in the bathroom?
I heard they, uh,
put a lock on the stall.
Oh. Well, you know, as much as
I would love to go and make out
in what may be
the filthiest place on Earth,
I just can't. Sorry.
Uh, it's okay. I understand.
Maybe I'll just, uh, go by myself.
Yeah. Okay.
[grunts, sighs]
Darlene, wait.
Yeah?
[sighs]
If you're going to the bar,
you're not gonna need this.
Have fun, baby.
Picking up comfort food for Dan.
This lawsuit thing
has him turned inside out.
Thought some nachos might
make him feel better. [sighs]
I hope those work better for him
than this beer is working for me.
All right.
Let's get to the heart of that.
Okay, fine.
Uh, Ben is working around
the clock at the new office,
and I can't bear
to sit in that living room
for another night without him.
Mmm. What about Becky and Tyler?
Blech.
It's like watching a foreign
romance film
but with regular-looking people.
Oh, thank you.
Look, you know, hanging out here
is a temporary solution.
What are you gonna do tomorrow night?
Smell Ben's shirt,
cry a little, come back here and, uh
Oh, I'm playing Team Darts by myself.
Look, I have been the Ben
in this situation.
I have gone on tour
and left loved ones for months.
If Dan had come to a bar every night
when I was on the road,
he'd be an alcoholic.
I, uh, hate to break this
to you, Louise,
but he kinda is an alcoholic,
he just does it at home.
Um, don't you have any friends
you can hang out with?
No.
[sighs]
All right. Just hang in there.
Things change,
and his work will
will definitely calm down.
Yeah, I appreciate the effort. [grunts]
Uh Dan likes to wash down
his nachos with hot peanuts.
Ooh. I'm really sorry, Louise.
It's okay. I know what I signed up for.
Hey. Perfect timing. I made you
a quiche from scratch. Sit down.
You made a quiche?
How long did that take?
It took a couple hours.
About half as much time
as it took to make those
Tuscan raviolis by hand.
Great. We can eat quiche
and have a little talk.
Uh, I didn't bake it long enough.
You know what? I rushed it.
You wait here. I'll make a new one.
No, no. Please, you don't have to.
No, I do. I-I-I do.
I have to get this right.
I [sighs] I love you,
and my love is not runny.
It's firm with a flaky crust.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay. Look [grunts]
You let me move in here.
I want it to be
the best decision you ever made.
But [grunts] I can't do this anymore.
I mean, showing you how
much I love you is ruining my life.
Okay.
I-It's been working great for me.
But if this is all too much for you,
then maybe,
and I'm just spitballing here,
um, we can cut back
on the romantic gestures.
Unbelievable.
You know what?
How can I show you
how much that means to me?
Do Do you like paella?
No. No. Stop it,
you're doing it again, okay?
- We are gonna take it easy, okay?
- Okay.
And we're gonna jump to the part
where I get to work on my thesis
and you get to read
all those Goosebumps books
that you hide from me
in your flight bag.
They're just the right amount of scary.
[clears throat] Oh, hi.
I didn't know you'd be here,
but I'm glad
because I need to talk to you
about something
before I talk to Dan.
I know how you're making all that money.
Uh, y-yeah,
my big Fortune 500 computer job.
No, you're not working
for some Fortune 500 company.
You're part of
an illegal hacking operation.
[sighs] How'd you find out?
Somebody with real detective
skills is able to put together pieces
that look random to other people.
Plus, I rifled through your backpack
and I found a note from one
of your buddies that said, um
"You're You're the best hacker ever."
So what are you gonna do?
Well, this puts me in
a very difficult position, Mark.
I haven't told anybody this yet, but
I'm trying out to rejoin the Lanford PD.
You? Now?
[laughs] Why does everybody keep
You wanna go now? You wanna go?
I'm two feet taller than you.
I could put my hand on your head
and hold you away
while you swing wildly.
Look, just don't tell my mom.
Well, if you stop now, I won't.
But your mom is the least
of your problems
'cause you're gonna get caught.
I haven't so far, and I'm not stopping
until I have enough
to pay for college myself.
Yeah. You think it's okay because
the money's for a good cause.
That's how you get hooked.
First it's college, then you're gonna
wanna give your kids a good life,
maybe adopt a foster kid
who needs a new heart.
When does it stop, Mark?
I think it stops right now.
Well, you're not answering my texts,
so we have to talk.
Jackie, you're a two-beer
relative and I've only had one.
[sighs] We have to sue, Dan.
I sent you the names of the lawyers
and links to stories
of people who have done this.
What's the hold up?
I already told you
it's not gonna be worth it.
Oh, so my sister is not worth it?
You know what I mean.
And it's not for her, she's gone.
Uh-huh. Out of sight out of mind.
Just another casualty.
Nothing we can do.
Where's the Dan I know?
Where's the guy who would never
walk away from a fight?
I never walked away from a fight
I knew I had a chance of winning.
I'm not stupid enough to get
the hell beat out of me for nothing.
Look, a sister doesn't carry
the weight that a spouse does,
but you're not giving me any choice.
So I guess I gotta do it,
because I'm not gonna let
these bastards get away with it.
- Do what you gonna do.
- Okay.
So you're gonna let
your overly emotional,
sometimes irrational,
possibly borderline personality
sister-in-law
go to war with a big opioid company?
You'll have the element of surprise.
No. You know what I have?
I have the guts to
do something you won't.
If you don't hear from me,
it's because I don't know
who you are anymore, Dan.
Mind if I join you?
Becky's working on her thesis,
and I just finished my last
Goosebumps book.
Oh. Sure, it'd be nice
to have a little company.
Yeah?
Oh. This is Becky's favorite show.
I mean, it just cracks her up.
When she laughs, oh, man,
her eyes just light up like the
Eiffel Tower during the Olympics.
Okay, you can leave now.
Alone is better.