The League s07e01 Episode Script
That Other Draft
Well, that about wraps up Taco Corp's annual board meeting.
All in favor, say aye.
Yes, Lord.
Cheers, Marshawn.
Cheers to Taco Corp.
Cheers.
Well, as you know, Taco Corp had a record year.
So I'm gonna be paying you your dividend in Skittles.
Come on, man, you know that's my thing, right, brah? No, I had no idea.
That's how I pay everyone.
- What? - Taco! If you're, uh, done with your meeting, can I have a beer, please? Yeah, sure.
Ooh.
Last one.
Just hand it to me, and I'll run it over to him.
Nah, I'll toss it to him.
Just hand it to me.
No need to throw it, man.
Come on.
No, it's really easy.
I'll just throw it to him, he'll catch it.
Come on, man, we're so close.
I could run it over.
It's just right here.
I just want a beer.
Come on, man, I can sleepwalk that thing to him, boy.
Come on, man.
All right.
Eh.
I think I'm gonna throw it.
What's the worst that could happen? Catch.
What? No, no, no! No, no, Taco! Oh! Whoa.
I'm on fire! I'm burning! Help! Help! Help me! That's why you run it.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Still think it was the right call.
Fire! Come on, Tottenham! You get 'em there, lads! Get 'em there! Olé, olé, olé, olé Please, please, please, Andre.
What? Come on.
Stop.
What's the score? Am I winning? The score is Andre zero and you have zero.
Right.
Yeah, well, there's a six-way tie at the top for first with zero points.
- Soccer sucks.
- Fantasy soccer sucks.
We need to figure out a new point system, 'cause there's not enough scoring here.
Like, you get a point every time a dude flops or the supporters of your team start a riot.
I am so glad that the NFL draft is in Chicago next week.
I cannot wait for football season to start back up.
I found myself going back to our league site, just checking in like a serial killer returning to the scene of his crime.
Speaking of crime scenes, we are trying to potty train CB Chalupa Batman.
and it is not going well.
So if you see some mounds or puddles on the ground, just quietly notify us, please.
I did see a wet mound out there in the hallway.
Just assumed it was yours, Kevin.
Very funny.
It's not mine.
Are you sure? 'Cause there's a bunch of Pete's pubic hair in it.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Went into overtime.
Oh, there he is, the guy who can't get his own life together, yet runs around on a field telling other people what to do.
What can I say? I like being a ref.
It's very rare that a man in my position gets to be a total dictator, and I appreciate it.
You're like the Stalin of JV girls' volleyball.
Um, actually, Pete, I have a question.
Where did you get the outfit? Foot Locker? Um, yeah, actually, I did.
That would be the place to get something like that.
It's logical.
So Burn.
Yeah.
All right, so, guys, today is the fantasy football equinox.
The exact midpoint between the last game of the 2014 season and the first game of the 2015 season.
Yes.
So without further ado, if you would follow me.
Just finish up the game.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Delay of game, let's go.
Let's go.
It's cool that they give you flags.
Yeah.
Oh, Andre, since our Shiva was pretty badly burned last season, we thought it was appropriate that our champion got a new trophy.
"Ooh, all right, all right.
" Matthew McConaughey.
Behind door number one.
Ooh.
I like that.
Wait, you made a bronze turd? Hmm-mm-mm, I found a real turd and I spray-painted it with bronze paint.
Oh, no, that's gross.
Well, that's how we felt when you won the championship.
Well, perhaps you'll like this one better.
I like to call it "When SheDre Met HeDre.
" Huh? What do you think? It's actually not bad.
I like it.
What? It's perfect.
Oh, my gosh, I love it.
It's great.
Oh, shit.
All right, it's out.
Yeah, you don't get that one.
- No.
What? - All right, Andre, I want you to know I spent a lot of time, money and thought on this, and I'm very proud.
Just show me the stupid thing.
No, let me finish my mislead.
And so I really hope that you enjoy what I've created.
Okay, thank you.
Ta-da! This is an original Kluneberg design.
You are wearing a hoodie just like fellow tainted champion Bill Belichick.
And to that point, you will also notice that the two footballs here are just slightly deflated, like your soggy cum buckets.
The wrinkles in the sweatshirt are so veiny.
The final statue will have a fountain feature with a sour sauce shooting out the top.
No, stop the R & D.
I don't want that.
Ooh! Ooh! My turn.
I present to you the fantasy football trophy.
Stuff from Ménage à Cinq.
Yeah.
Your business failed.
Taco.
It's not 2013.
I know, that's the joke.
Wait, what's the joke? This guy doesn't get it.
Andre, let me show you the trophy you are going to pick.
Oh, exciting.
Da-da-da-da! Whoa! The Dre is back, baby.
Oh, not so fast.
It's not done yet.
I call it Dre on Dre.
Ooh, you can see the point of Dre-nal entry.
Wait, what is the one Dre doing to the other Dre? It just commemorates the moment that the Dre really became a living legend and a part of your anatomy.
No, no, I'm not choosing any of these, okay? 'Cause they suck.
Hey! We worked really hard on these, Andre.
I'm sorry, Ruxin, I, I don't mean to upset you.
I just feel like when you guys are all coming at me like this, it's like, I don't know, you're making fun of me or something.
'Cause I feel like when I look at it at face value, I just see, like, a big poop, me kissing myself, me as a dick, a reminder that my restaurant failed, and me putting my hand in my ass.
I think we're probably just jealous.
Yeah.
I mean, you did win Ted's beach house.
Yeah, some beach house.
Talked to the insurance company today, and apparently I owe $150,000 due to all the fire damage.
What? That's so much money.
It's not an asset anymore.
It's a deficit.
As a matter of fact, whoever wins the Sacko this year, they get the house.
Hmm, that's interesting.
Yeah, I kind of like it.
Speaking of the Sacko, I do think it's time we turn our attention to this year's loser, Taco.
That could be said about every year.
I think we should begin with a small but disgusting task-- no more toilets for you.
You can only use a Porta Potti for the next month.
Ooh.
What about sleeping? What? No, no, you can't sleep on a toilet either.
So I can only have sex on a toilet? Okay.
No, stop it.
Harsh.
Pete? Pete.
Meegan? Holy shit.
Do we hug? Oh, let's try it.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
My God, it's so nice to see you.
This is crazy.
I'm gonna just call it.
What? Five years.
It's literally been five years since we've seen each other.
Five years, yeah.
What is going on? How are you? I mean, look, you look great.
What's happening? Um, thank you.
I moved out west.
Okay.
I was working in PR.
Now I'm back.
What? This is crazy, 'cause I was thinking of you the other day.
Why? Don't take this the wrong way, but I saw this really dumb dog eating a pinecone, and I remembered Oh, my God, the Down doggy, which Down doggy.
You know what? I owe you an apology.
You were right.
The difference between, like, a Down syndrome dog and just a regular dog, it's like negligible.
The difference is, like, it's that.
It's negligible.
It's really nice to see you.
I mean, what's the, what's the, what's the protocol here? Like, are you busy? Can we get a drink now? I just, I have to go put money in my meter, and I don't want to get a ticket, so Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, look, my number's still the same.
We'll do it some other time.
Ay So is mine.
Oh, is that a skort you're wearing? Know what they say.
Business in the front, party in the back.
Yeah, I mean, I was a little nervous obviously 'cause I hadn't seen her in forever, Sure.
but, got to say, it was it was pretty cool.
Great, that's good.
Good, that's good, yeah.
So how'd you guys leave it? Well, she had to run and put money in the meter, but, you know, I think we'll catch up later.
Hmm.
That's a classic conversation ender.
What are you talking about? I mean, we all have one.
Yeah, when you're in, like, a boring conversation that you want to get out of, you go like, "Ooh, criminy, forgot my keys.
" And then you bounce, you're out of the convo.
Yeah, mine's similar.
I say, "Oh, no, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
" Fools 'em every time.
Good, good.
Doesn't it? Yeah, well, this was clearly not that.
I'm getting another beer; anybody want anything? - No.
- I'm good.
All right.
- Ooh.
- Oh, man.
He has no idea, does he? Uh-uh.
None.
Well, we have to tell him.
Feel free.
I'm not telling him.
I'm not telling him either.
I'm not telling him.
This is great.
Hey, I forgot to tell you: I ran into Pete today on the street.
I was kind of freaked out, I was like, "Oh, my God, is he gonna be weird?" But he wasn't, he was great, I just I didn't know what to say to him, you know? So when are you gonna tell him? Soon, my love, I promise.
Hello? Aah, still at the mall.
Which means I have a little alone time.
Watch a little Path to the Dra What?! What is this?! No, Taco.
Hey.
Goddamn it.
What is this? The newspaper? It's the Ny Times.
No.
No, I'm talking about the gigantic Porta Potti in my living room.
Oh, well, you guys told me I can only use Porta Potties to go to the bathroom, and I always go to the bathroom here, so What's wrong with the bathroom at your house? I haven't had a working one in months.
Don't try to flush a dead raccoon down the toilet.
Does not work.
When is this thing going to be leaving? Well, that's up to you guys.
But check this out.
Put the Ruxin in there for added humiliation.
I am shamed, sir, I am shamed.
Oh, man, you should really keep it in the house permanently.
It goes with the rest of the decor.
I've been trying to get rid of it, but the company won't pick it up till next Wednesday.
This punishment totally backfired on me.
Guys, what is my next punishment? I am loving this.
Look, I know you guys love shoving things into people's butts, that's all you guys ever talk about.
So I figured that's what was gonna be next, so I cut a hole in my jeans to make it easier for you.
No.
No.
Come on, shove something in there.
Why does it smell like menthol cigarettes? Taco, no more punishments.
You are not supposed to be enjoying them.
Guys, I realized something about myself.
I love being hazed.
I guess it's because in my everyday life I'm so in control all the time that it's so nice to give that up, even for a brief moment.
Come on, shove something in my butt.
Brother, can you spare a finger? You want your brother to shove a finger up your asshole? Yeah, it's a little weird.
Ruxin, shove a finger in my butt.
It smells like Bolognese now.
- How did it change smells? - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? What? Do you remember how the Bears were having that sweepstakes for a fan to announce one of the draft picks? Yeah.
I don't remember that.
I won it.
No way.
I am going to announce the third-round draft pick this year! Holy shit, babe, that's awesome.
Uh, and it is my birthday, too.
I know it is.
And guess who I get to do it with.
Who? Jim McMahon.
No way! Brian?! What's up, everybody? I am loving this new kitchen setup.
It is so much easier to shit while I cook.
Speaking of which, who wants garlic bread? No.
Fresh out of the oven? Ooh, ooh, ooh, shove it in here.
Oh, look at this.
Taco came dressed to eat.
Just a good old-fashioned garlic bread butt-shove.
Ugh.
I feel like I'm having my darkest days as the Sacko commissioner here.
I mean, how do you haze someone who generally likes being naked, likes being drugged, likes week-old sushi.
He didn't even mind it when I put him in a box and shipped him off to Canada.
I mean, Taco is essentially unsackable.
There has to be something.
Make him read a book.
Make him be monogamous.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Well, I can't think about how to punish this plankton anymore.
I got to get back to work.
Wait.
That's it.
What if his punishment is he has to go to work? Yes, a real job.
Yes.
40-hours-a-week real job.
Yeah, like at a bank as an intern, and he has to wear a suit and get yelled at, like me every day.
Yes, and he has to try really hard-- no slacking off.
Well, looks like my work here is done.
So I will be heading off to referee my night game.
Andre, movie tomorrow night? Uh, uh, yeah.
Maybe.
I'll just check my thing.
Check your thing? Andre, you have got to tell him.
It's hard, okay? I haven't found the right time.
There is no right time.
- What are you doing? - Yeah, it's like buying one of your hats.
You just hold your nose and do it.
Ah, the joke's on you.
I don't choose my hats.
They choose me.
As you know, my birthday is coming up.
I know.
I'm so excited.
And we both know that you are not the best at purchasing birthday presents, right? I'm terrible.
The year you got me the fishing pole You love fish.
Yes.
I also love lobster, but you didn't get me a trap.
- Okay, so this year I'm gonna make it real easy for you, okay? - Mm-hmm.
Great.
- All I want for my birthday is to announce the pick.
- Okay.
Done.
Happy birthday.
I can't do it, babe.
What? Oh Are you kidding me? You didn't think that that would be something that I would've wanted? Oh, no, I did think that.
Good.
And then I won it.
And then I was like, "Well, I'll just get Kevin something better.
" What? Is Taco here? Are they doing garlic bread again in there? I'm making a pee-pee! What? Oh, my God.
We're supposed to praise him.
Yay.
Yay.
Good job, buddy.
This is amazing.
Chi-Town is Draft Town.
Oh, man.
This is awesome.
Day two of the draft! Look at this.
All access.
Oh! VIP.
I want the VIP one.
No, I am the VIP.
Can we switch? I want I am the VIP.
Oh, look, they got Porta Potties, just like home.
You know what, stop.
I am mortified that that's the only place CB will go to the bathroom.
He's Porta Potti-trained.
It's not like the rest of his life's gonna be filled with that many real working toilets.
Hey.
The kid's gonna end up a security guard at motocross events anyway, so this is good practice.
What's that? Kettle corn?! Sweet and salty! Calais Campbell and the Honey Badger.
I know they're your favorites.
What do you want, a football or picture? I'll get you both.
Okay, yeah Hey, Andre.
Who you talking to? Um Uh, we Yes, well, start the surgery right away, and I'll-I'll be there in a few.
Work.
Okay.
I'm starving.
Oh, hey, skills challenge.
Oh, we can do Hey, Kevin, real quick, uh, have you noticed Andre has been super weird lately? Like, even for Andre weird? W-Weird? Yeah.
What? No.
He's-he's a weird guy.
He's always been weird.
Weird? You're weird.
It's just weird that you would even ask that.
So you-you literally haven't noticed? Anything? Kevin Thirsty? Yes! What is happening? Why Hey, hey.
Babe, you have got to try the skills challenge.
Look, by the way, the fact that you're not letting him announce the draft pick on his birthday? That's just wrong.
Oh, is it, Pete? Yeah.
What are you getting him for his birthday? I have something very special for his birthday.
Oh, oh, oh You know what? Don't answer that.
We already know.
Was gonna say a tandem bicycle with penises for handlebars.
Nobody appreciates what I do for this group.
Come on, you guys.
I have a very, very important announcement to make Oh! God, Taco, what are you doing here? What are you doing that for? Really? Guys, I love my punishment.
What's the next one? Taco, you're supposed to be an intern at a bank.
I did exactly what you guys asked me to do.
I put on my suit, I walked into the bank, I talked to the manager Taco, you went into the bank in your McGibblets suit? Yeah, it's the nicest suit I own.
Hello! I'm here to apply for the job, please.
Here's my résumé.
Interesting résumé.
Surprisingly, I've actually got a job for you.
What do you do? Twirl around a sign for CDs.
We got it all at the bank! And it pays.
Hey, check out my sign! Hey, lady! Lady, check out my sign! Don't make me run after you! Hey! I don't know how this bank makes any money.
No one buys CDs anymore.
Let's just get going.
Yeah.
Come on, we're gonna be late.
All right.
Whoa-ho! VIP tent, gentlemen! Wow.
Yeah, not a bad place to watch the draft.
Whoa, that is a lot of free food.
Whoo.
Babe, this is amazing.
Holy shit.
Is that Calais Campbell and the Honey Badger? I gotta go over and meet them.
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm great with celebrities.
Ah.
Good morrow, gentlemen.
Uh, my name is Andre, hi.
How are you? I'm Tyrann.
Great to see you.
Hi, how are you? What's going on, Andre? How you doing? Hey, man.
It's pretty awesome, right? It is pretty awesome.
Happy birthday.
But it would be really awesome if you let me make the pick.
No.
That is not gonna happen.
But I will give you this, so you can get some free drinks.
Oh.
Great.
Thank you.
Guys, I am such a huge fan.
And my girlfriend? She's even a bigger fan.
I was wondering if I could maybe get, like, a signed football or Yeah.
a picture or something? Oh, thank you so much.
This is great.
You know, um, my girlfriend actually calls me the Honey Badger.
Why's she call you the Honey Badger? You know, 'cause I like to, uh, forage around No, no, no, no.
Forget I asked, forget I asked.
Okay, yeah, sure, that was Uh, girlfriend? What? What are you talking Oh, I was joking.
I was joking with my new, my new buds.
This guy with a girlfriend I wasn't buying it.
Well, it's like, you could buy it, but it was a joke, yeah? Did sound like a lie.
Yeah, I just I was lying.
That's it.
You ain't got to lie to kick it, man.
No, you don't have to cross out your autograph.
Thank you.
- By the way, who's gonna date you, dressing like that? - Good question-- we've been asking that for years.
By the way, I like you guys a lot, and I just want to say, man, - big fan, real bullish on the Cards' "D" this season.
- Right.
I mean, when you got a player like a Tyrann Mathieu and a Calais Campbell Hold on-- player "like" us? Come on, man, we hate that.
There's no player like me.
There's just me.
Well, the ESPN always says that, I don't know.
ESPN'll get you in trouble, man.
Just say Honey Badger.
That's what I would tell him, you know? Uh, you guys want to take a picture? Ooh, yeah, uh, actually, here-- use my phone.
Oh, great, I guess, I guess I'm taking the picture.
Get in here, Ruxin.
You guys must love taking pictures.
Oh, looks like somebody might have a girlfriend.
Wait "I want a picture of the Honey Badger with my Honey Badger.
" No, no, I "Have fun at the draft, lover.
Meeg" Meegan? I Wait, your girlfriend is my ex-wife? I can explain.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Pete, a guy like an Andre is sleeping with your ex-wife? Oh, a Honey Badger don't give a shit! All right, quiet down, Honey Badger.
That's why she gave me the conversation-ender.
That's why! All I know is that she joined a fantasy league and she wanted some advice, right? So she gave me a call, just a normal call.
And then, all of a sudden, that turned into a coffee and then into some lovemaking.
Oh, disgusting.
Coitus? Aah, more disgusting! Okay, look, I don't know what you want me to tell you.
Why did she even come to you for advice? That's the worst part of this whole thing.
Uh, well I am the champ.
Criminy.
Ooh.
That's my key.
I got to get my keys.
Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch.
I know you're mad Oh, I'm not mad, I'm just gonna kill you.
Washington has traded the pick.
Seattle is on the clock.
Oh, aah! Sorry, sorry.
Andre! Oh, shit.
I'm gonna kill you.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm gonna kill you! Fidelio! Fidelio! Oh! You're dead, Andre, you're dead! I can't believe I am here I am here, I'm doing this with you.
I am with Jim McMahon at the dr Just call me Jim.
Really? Okay, Jim.
And I am not with any of my stupid friends.
Hey, man, you okay? He's out.
What do I Hello? Fermy.
Uh, this is Kevin MacArthur.
Kevin Do we have a Kevin? No Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, this is John Schneider, I'm the general manager of the Seattle Seahawks.
Look, we're gonna make a trade here, okay? Oh, a trade? Oh, I'm the man for the job, Mr.
Schneider.
Um, I'm the commissioner of my league, so this is like a dream come true for me.
Quite the opposite for me, partner.
Don't worry, I know my stuff.
He doesn't.
Who we picking? We're picking Tyler Lockett from Kansas State.
Taylor Lockett, okay.
Taylor Lockett.
Taylor Lockett? No, what do you think, Taylor Lautner? What are you, Team Jacob? What? Tyler Lockett, Kansas State.
Do you see trade cards? There's a trade card for Jacksonville, a trade card for Indy Do you see one with Washington? Whoa Uh, uh, I'm sorry, some of these cards have a little bit of ketchup on them.
Are you eating right now? Yes.
I get hungry when I'm nervous.
It's actually my slider, Schneider.
No, it's not, we picked it out together.
Man, you fantasy guys.
You all think you can run your own team and then it gets to nut-cuttin' time and you just fall apart.
Every time I'm on the clock I just shit the bed.
Last year in the first round I took Doug Martin.
Yeah.
And you know how that ended up.
It was real message board fodder, Schneider.
Hey, Kevin, come on, the clock's ticking.
I need you to fill that thing out and turn that card in, okay? Right, yes, okay, - um - One minute on the clock for Seattle.
Schneids.
Tyrannosaurus Rux here.
Tyrannosaurus what? I just want you to know that I've got ESPN Insider up and running.
Mel Kiper's hair is gonna tell us who to help you.
We don't care about his hair.
Go.
Give me this.
Okay, Mr.
Schneider, I got the card.
Uh, do I sign it? No, you don't sign it.
Can I sign it? No.
Can I take a selfie with it? No, just go.
Kevin, come on.
The clock's ticking.
Kevin, go.
- Okay, okay, I'm going.
Good-bye! - 15 seconds on the clock.
Okay, I don't have time for this.
Oh! Uh, I Ooh, sorry.
Here! Is the trade in? Trade's in.
Card in? Card's in.
I need a nap.
So what's the story with the coffee scene in Seattle? Is it beat or is it still popping off? Slapdicks.
Chicago has made their pick.
Thank you.
All right, Jenny, it's game time.
You ready? I was born ready.
Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
I got it in.
Look, with Seattle, it's proof you got to run it in.
Okay, all right, enough.
Don't move.
Stay here.
Get away from me.
What did I miss? Jets just picked, Chicago's on the clock.
Jenny's about to announce the pick.
Well, don't be so sure.
I might have told Taco there's one more Sacko punishment.
Hello, Chicago, it's great to be home.
And here to announce Chicago's next pick, please welcome Ms.
Jenny MacArthur.
Hi, Ellie, hi, CB, Mommy loves you! Okay, the 71st pick of the 2015 draft, the Chicago Bears Oh, wow.
would like to select Ha, ha, ha! No, Taco! I got it.
My card, my punishment.
Hey, give me that! Happy birthday, Kevin.
Thank you.
This is great Don't touch me.
Give me thatGive me that! Ow, ow! Hey, ain't those the people from earlier? Yeah, man, they got to be the dumbest people in all of Chicago, man.
Give me It's mine, it's mine! What the hell? This is the weirdest draft ever.
Give it to me.
That is my pick! Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Ooh! Yes, I got it! Jim, Jim, Jim! Oh - Oh - Easy, easy, easy Oh! Okay, with the 71st pick, the Bears select the center from Oregon, Hroniss Grasu.
Baby, baby, you okay? How did I do? You're out of here! Yay, whee! You're in a lot of trouble.
Ooh, another punishment? Is this the butt stuff? Oh, you guys must be so excited!
All in favor, say aye.
Yes, Lord.
Cheers, Marshawn.
Cheers to Taco Corp.
Cheers.
Well, as you know, Taco Corp had a record year.
So I'm gonna be paying you your dividend in Skittles.
Come on, man, you know that's my thing, right, brah? No, I had no idea.
That's how I pay everyone.
- What? - Taco! If you're, uh, done with your meeting, can I have a beer, please? Yeah, sure.
Ooh.
Last one.
Just hand it to me, and I'll run it over to him.
Nah, I'll toss it to him.
Just hand it to me.
No need to throw it, man.
Come on.
No, it's really easy.
I'll just throw it to him, he'll catch it.
Come on, man, we're so close.
I could run it over.
It's just right here.
I just want a beer.
Come on, man, I can sleepwalk that thing to him, boy.
Come on, man.
All right.
Eh.
I think I'm gonna throw it.
What's the worst that could happen? Catch.
What? No, no, no! No, no, Taco! Oh! Whoa.
I'm on fire! I'm burning! Help! Help! Help me! That's why you run it.
Fire! Fire! Fire! Still think it was the right call.
Fire! Come on, Tottenham! You get 'em there, lads! Get 'em there! Olé, olé, olé, olé Please, please, please, Andre.
What? Come on.
Stop.
What's the score? Am I winning? The score is Andre zero and you have zero.
Right.
Yeah, well, there's a six-way tie at the top for first with zero points.
- Soccer sucks.
- Fantasy soccer sucks.
We need to figure out a new point system, 'cause there's not enough scoring here.
Like, you get a point every time a dude flops or the supporters of your team start a riot.
I am so glad that the NFL draft is in Chicago next week.
I cannot wait for football season to start back up.
I found myself going back to our league site, just checking in like a serial killer returning to the scene of his crime.
Speaking of crime scenes, we are trying to potty train CB Chalupa Batman.
and it is not going well.
So if you see some mounds or puddles on the ground, just quietly notify us, please.
I did see a wet mound out there in the hallway.
Just assumed it was yours, Kevin.
Very funny.
It's not mine.
Are you sure? 'Cause there's a bunch of Pete's pubic hair in it.
Sorry I'm late, guys.
Went into overtime.
Oh, there he is, the guy who can't get his own life together, yet runs around on a field telling other people what to do.
What can I say? I like being a ref.
It's very rare that a man in my position gets to be a total dictator, and I appreciate it.
You're like the Stalin of JV girls' volleyball.
Um, actually, Pete, I have a question.
Where did you get the outfit? Foot Locker? Um, yeah, actually, I did.
That would be the place to get something like that.
It's logical.
So Burn.
Yeah.
All right, so, guys, today is the fantasy football equinox.
The exact midpoint between the last game of the 2014 season and the first game of the 2015 season.
Yes.
So without further ado, if you would follow me.
Just finish up the game.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
Delay of game, let's go.
Let's go.
It's cool that they give you flags.
Yeah.
Oh, Andre, since our Shiva was pretty badly burned last season, we thought it was appropriate that our champion got a new trophy.
"Ooh, all right, all right.
" Matthew McConaughey.
Behind door number one.
Ooh.
I like that.
Wait, you made a bronze turd? Hmm-mm-mm, I found a real turd and I spray-painted it with bronze paint.
Oh, no, that's gross.
Well, that's how we felt when you won the championship.
Well, perhaps you'll like this one better.
I like to call it "When SheDre Met HeDre.
" Huh? What do you think? It's actually not bad.
I like it.
What? It's perfect.
Oh, my gosh, I love it.
It's great.
Oh, shit.
All right, it's out.
Yeah, you don't get that one.
- No.
What? - All right, Andre, I want you to know I spent a lot of time, money and thought on this, and I'm very proud.
Just show me the stupid thing.
No, let me finish my mislead.
And so I really hope that you enjoy what I've created.
Okay, thank you.
Ta-da! This is an original Kluneberg design.
You are wearing a hoodie just like fellow tainted champion Bill Belichick.
And to that point, you will also notice that the two footballs here are just slightly deflated, like your soggy cum buckets.
The wrinkles in the sweatshirt are so veiny.
The final statue will have a fountain feature with a sour sauce shooting out the top.
No, stop the R & D.
I don't want that.
Ooh! Ooh! My turn.
I present to you the fantasy football trophy.
Stuff from Ménage à Cinq.
Yeah.
Your business failed.
Taco.
It's not 2013.
I know, that's the joke.
Wait, what's the joke? This guy doesn't get it.
Andre, let me show you the trophy you are going to pick.
Oh, exciting.
Da-da-da-da! Whoa! The Dre is back, baby.
Oh, not so fast.
It's not done yet.
I call it Dre on Dre.
Ooh, you can see the point of Dre-nal entry.
Wait, what is the one Dre doing to the other Dre? It just commemorates the moment that the Dre really became a living legend and a part of your anatomy.
No, no, I'm not choosing any of these, okay? 'Cause they suck.
Hey! We worked really hard on these, Andre.
I'm sorry, Ruxin, I, I don't mean to upset you.
I just feel like when you guys are all coming at me like this, it's like, I don't know, you're making fun of me or something.
'Cause I feel like when I look at it at face value, I just see, like, a big poop, me kissing myself, me as a dick, a reminder that my restaurant failed, and me putting my hand in my ass.
I think we're probably just jealous.
Yeah.
I mean, you did win Ted's beach house.
Yeah, some beach house.
Talked to the insurance company today, and apparently I owe $150,000 due to all the fire damage.
What? That's so much money.
It's not an asset anymore.
It's a deficit.
As a matter of fact, whoever wins the Sacko this year, they get the house.
Hmm, that's interesting.
Yeah, I kind of like it.
Speaking of the Sacko, I do think it's time we turn our attention to this year's loser, Taco.
That could be said about every year.
I think we should begin with a small but disgusting task-- no more toilets for you.
You can only use a Porta Potti for the next month.
Ooh.
What about sleeping? What? No, no, you can't sleep on a toilet either.
So I can only have sex on a toilet? Okay.
No, stop it.
Harsh.
Pete? Pete.
Meegan? Holy shit.
Do we hug? Oh, let's try it.
Oh, my God.
Hi.
My God, it's so nice to see you.
This is crazy.
I'm gonna just call it.
What? Five years.
It's literally been five years since we've seen each other.
Five years, yeah.
What is going on? How are you? I mean, look, you look great.
What's happening? Um, thank you.
I moved out west.
Okay.
I was working in PR.
Now I'm back.
What? This is crazy, 'cause I was thinking of you the other day.
Why? Don't take this the wrong way, but I saw this really dumb dog eating a pinecone, and I remembered Oh, my God, the Down doggy, which Down doggy.
You know what? I owe you an apology.
You were right.
The difference between, like, a Down syndrome dog and just a regular dog, it's like negligible.
The difference is, like, it's that.
It's negligible.
It's really nice to see you.
I mean, what's the, what's the, what's the protocol here? Like, are you busy? Can we get a drink now? I just, I have to go put money in my meter, and I don't want to get a ticket, so Oh, yeah, sure.
Well, look, my number's still the same.
We'll do it some other time.
Ay So is mine.
Oh, is that a skort you're wearing? Know what they say.
Business in the front, party in the back.
Yeah, I mean, I was a little nervous obviously 'cause I hadn't seen her in forever, Sure.
but, got to say, it was it was pretty cool.
Great, that's good.
Good, that's good, yeah.
So how'd you guys leave it? Well, she had to run and put money in the meter, but, you know, I think we'll catch up later.
Hmm.
That's a classic conversation ender.
What are you talking about? I mean, we all have one.
Yeah, when you're in, like, a boring conversation that you want to get out of, you go like, "Ooh, criminy, forgot my keys.
" And then you bounce, you're out of the convo.
Yeah, mine's similar.
I say, "Oh, no, I don't want to talk to you anymore.
" Fools 'em every time.
Good, good.
Doesn't it? Yeah, well, this was clearly not that.
I'm getting another beer; anybody want anything? - No.
- I'm good.
All right.
- Ooh.
- Oh, man.
He has no idea, does he? Uh-uh.
None.
Well, we have to tell him.
Feel free.
I'm not telling him.
I'm not telling him either.
I'm not telling him.
This is great.
Hey, I forgot to tell you: I ran into Pete today on the street.
I was kind of freaked out, I was like, "Oh, my God, is he gonna be weird?" But he wasn't, he was great, I just I didn't know what to say to him, you know? So when are you gonna tell him? Soon, my love, I promise.
Hello? Aah, still at the mall.
Which means I have a little alone time.
Watch a little Path to the Dra What?! What is this?! No, Taco.
Hey.
Goddamn it.
What is this? The newspaper? It's the Ny Times.
No.
No, I'm talking about the gigantic Porta Potti in my living room.
Oh, well, you guys told me I can only use Porta Potties to go to the bathroom, and I always go to the bathroom here, so What's wrong with the bathroom at your house? I haven't had a working one in months.
Don't try to flush a dead raccoon down the toilet.
Does not work.
When is this thing going to be leaving? Well, that's up to you guys.
But check this out.
Put the Ruxin in there for added humiliation.
I am shamed, sir, I am shamed.
Oh, man, you should really keep it in the house permanently.
It goes with the rest of the decor.
I've been trying to get rid of it, but the company won't pick it up till next Wednesday.
This punishment totally backfired on me.
Guys, what is my next punishment? I am loving this.
Look, I know you guys love shoving things into people's butts, that's all you guys ever talk about.
So I figured that's what was gonna be next, so I cut a hole in my jeans to make it easier for you.
No.
No.
Come on, shove something in there.
Why does it smell like menthol cigarettes? Taco, no more punishments.
You are not supposed to be enjoying them.
Guys, I realized something about myself.
I love being hazed.
I guess it's because in my everyday life I'm so in control all the time that it's so nice to give that up, even for a brief moment.
Come on, shove something in my butt.
Brother, can you spare a finger? You want your brother to shove a finger up your asshole? Yeah, it's a little weird.
Ruxin, shove a finger in my butt.
It smells like Bolognese now.
- How did it change smells? - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- What? What? Do you remember how the Bears were having that sweepstakes for a fan to announce one of the draft picks? Yeah.
I don't remember that.
I won it.
No way.
I am going to announce the third-round draft pick this year! Holy shit, babe, that's awesome.
Uh, and it is my birthday, too.
I know it is.
And guess who I get to do it with.
Who? Jim McMahon.
No way! Brian?! What's up, everybody? I am loving this new kitchen setup.
It is so much easier to shit while I cook.
Speaking of which, who wants garlic bread? No.
Fresh out of the oven? Ooh, ooh, ooh, shove it in here.
Oh, look at this.
Taco came dressed to eat.
Just a good old-fashioned garlic bread butt-shove.
Ugh.
I feel like I'm having my darkest days as the Sacko commissioner here.
I mean, how do you haze someone who generally likes being naked, likes being drugged, likes week-old sushi.
He didn't even mind it when I put him in a box and shipped him off to Canada.
I mean, Taco is essentially unsackable.
There has to be something.
Make him read a book.
Make him be monogamous.
Ugh.
Yeah.
Well, I can't think about how to punish this plankton anymore.
I got to get back to work.
Wait.
That's it.
What if his punishment is he has to go to work? Yes, a real job.
Yes.
40-hours-a-week real job.
Yeah, like at a bank as an intern, and he has to wear a suit and get yelled at, like me every day.
Yes, and he has to try really hard-- no slacking off.
Well, looks like my work here is done.
So I will be heading off to referee my night game.
Andre, movie tomorrow night? Uh, uh, yeah.
Maybe.
I'll just check my thing.
Check your thing? Andre, you have got to tell him.
It's hard, okay? I haven't found the right time.
There is no right time.
- What are you doing? - Yeah, it's like buying one of your hats.
You just hold your nose and do it.
Ah, the joke's on you.
I don't choose my hats.
They choose me.
As you know, my birthday is coming up.
I know.
I'm so excited.
And we both know that you are not the best at purchasing birthday presents, right? I'm terrible.
The year you got me the fishing pole You love fish.
Yes.
I also love lobster, but you didn't get me a trap.
- Okay, so this year I'm gonna make it real easy for you, okay? - Mm-hmm.
Great.
- All I want for my birthday is to announce the pick.
- Okay.
Done.
Happy birthday.
I can't do it, babe.
What? Oh Are you kidding me? You didn't think that that would be something that I would've wanted? Oh, no, I did think that.
Good.
And then I won it.
And then I was like, "Well, I'll just get Kevin something better.
" What? Is Taco here? Are they doing garlic bread again in there? I'm making a pee-pee! What? Oh, my God.
We're supposed to praise him.
Yay.
Yay.
Good job, buddy.
This is amazing.
Chi-Town is Draft Town.
Oh, man.
This is awesome.
Day two of the draft! Look at this.
All access.
Oh! VIP.
I want the VIP one.
No, I am the VIP.
Can we switch? I want I am the VIP.
Oh, look, they got Porta Potties, just like home.
You know what, stop.
I am mortified that that's the only place CB will go to the bathroom.
He's Porta Potti-trained.
It's not like the rest of his life's gonna be filled with that many real working toilets.
Hey.
The kid's gonna end up a security guard at motocross events anyway, so this is good practice.
What's that? Kettle corn?! Sweet and salty! Calais Campbell and the Honey Badger.
I know they're your favorites.
What do you want, a football or picture? I'll get you both.
Okay, yeah Hey, Andre.
Who you talking to? Um Uh, we Yes, well, start the surgery right away, and I'll-I'll be there in a few.
Work.
Okay.
I'm starving.
Oh, hey, skills challenge.
Oh, we can do Hey, Kevin, real quick, uh, have you noticed Andre has been super weird lately? Like, even for Andre weird? W-Weird? Yeah.
What? No.
He's-he's a weird guy.
He's always been weird.
Weird? You're weird.
It's just weird that you would even ask that.
So you-you literally haven't noticed? Anything? Kevin Thirsty? Yes! What is happening? Why Hey, hey.
Babe, you have got to try the skills challenge.
Look, by the way, the fact that you're not letting him announce the draft pick on his birthday? That's just wrong.
Oh, is it, Pete? Yeah.
What are you getting him for his birthday? I have something very special for his birthday.
Oh, oh, oh You know what? Don't answer that.
We already know.
Was gonna say a tandem bicycle with penises for handlebars.
Nobody appreciates what I do for this group.
Come on, you guys.
I have a very, very important announcement to make Oh! God, Taco, what are you doing here? What are you doing that for? Really? Guys, I love my punishment.
What's the next one? Taco, you're supposed to be an intern at a bank.
I did exactly what you guys asked me to do.
I put on my suit, I walked into the bank, I talked to the manager Taco, you went into the bank in your McGibblets suit? Yeah, it's the nicest suit I own.
Hello! I'm here to apply for the job, please.
Here's my résumé.
Interesting résumé.
Surprisingly, I've actually got a job for you.
What do you do? Twirl around a sign for CDs.
We got it all at the bank! And it pays.
Hey, check out my sign! Hey, lady! Lady, check out my sign! Don't make me run after you! Hey! I don't know how this bank makes any money.
No one buys CDs anymore.
Let's just get going.
Yeah.
Come on, we're gonna be late.
All right.
Whoa-ho! VIP tent, gentlemen! Wow.
Yeah, not a bad place to watch the draft.
Whoa, that is a lot of free food.
Whoo.
Babe, this is amazing.
Holy shit.
Is that Calais Campbell and the Honey Badger? I gotta go over and meet them.
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm great with celebrities.
Ah.
Good morrow, gentlemen.
Uh, my name is Andre, hi.
How are you? I'm Tyrann.
Great to see you.
Hi, how are you? What's going on, Andre? How you doing? Hey, man.
It's pretty awesome, right? It is pretty awesome.
Happy birthday.
But it would be really awesome if you let me make the pick.
No.
That is not gonna happen.
But I will give you this, so you can get some free drinks.
Oh.
Great.
Thank you.
Guys, I am such a huge fan.
And my girlfriend? She's even a bigger fan.
I was wondering if I could maybe get, like, a signed football or Yeah.
a picture or something? Oh, thank you so much.
This is great.
You know, um, my girlfriend actually calls me the Honey Badger.
Why's she call you the Honey Badger? You know, 'cause I like to, uh, forage around No, no, no, no.
Forget I asked, forget I asked.
Okay, yeah, sure, that was Uh, girlfriend? What? What are you talking Oh, I was joking.
I was joking with my new, my new buds.
This guy with a girlfriend I wasn't buying it.
Well, it's like, you could buy it, but it was a joke, yeah? Did sound like a lie.
Yeah, I just I was lying.
That's it.
You ain't got to lie to kick it, man.
No, you don't have to cross out your autograph.
Thank you.
- By the way, who's gonna date you, dressing like that? - Good question-- we've been asking that for years.
By the way, I like you guys a lot, and I just want to say, man, - big fan, real bullish on the Cards' "D" this season.
- Right.
I mean, when you got a player like a Tyrann Mathieu and a Calais Campbell Hold on-- player "like" us? Come on, man, we hate that.
There's no player like me.
There's just me.
Well, the ESPN always says that, I don't know.
ESPN'll get you in trouble, man.
Just say Honey Badger.
That's what I would tell him, you know? Uh, you guys want to take a picture? Ooh, yeah, uh, actually, here-- use my phone.
Oh, great, I guess, I guess I'm taking the picture.
Get in here, Ruxin.
You guys must love taking pictures.
Oh, looks like somebody might have a girlfriend.
Wait "I want a picture of the Honey Badger with my Honey Badger.
" No, no, I "Have fun at the draft, lover.
Meeg" Meegan? I Wait, your girlfriend is my ex-wife? I can explain.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Pete, a guy like an Andre is sleeping with your ex-wife? Oh, a Honey Badger don't give a shit! All right, quiet down, Honey Badger.
That's why she gave me the conversation-ender.
That's why! All I know is that she joined a fantasy league and she wanted some advice, right? So she gave me a call, just a normal call.
And then, all of a sudden, that turned into a coffee and then into some lovemaking.
Oh, disgusting.
Coitus? Aah, more disgusting! Okay, look, I don't know what you want me to tell you.
Why did she even come to you for advice? That's the worst part of this whole thing.
Uh, well I am the champ.
Criminy.
Ooh.
That's my key.
I got to get my keys.
Oh, that's it, you son of a bitch.
I know you're mad Oh, I'm not mad, I'm just gonna kill you.
Washington has traded the pick.
Seattle is on the clock.
Oh, aah! Sorry, sorry.
Andre! Oh, shit.
I'm gonna kill you.
Whoa, whoa.
I'm gonna kill you! Fidelio! Fidelio! Oh! You're dead, Andre, you're dead! I can't believe I am here I am here, I'm doing this with you.
I am with Jim McMahon at the dr Just call me Jim.
Really? Okay, Jim.
And I am not with any of my stupid friends.
Hey, man, you okay? He's out.
What do I Hello? Fermy.
Uh, this is Kevin MacArthur.
Kevin Do we have a Kevin? No Kevin.
Hey, Kevin, this is John Schneider, I'm the general manager of the Seattle Seahawks.
Look, we're gonna make a trade here, okay? Oh, a trade? Oh, I'm the man for the job, Mr.
Schneider.
Um, I'm the commissioner of my league, so this is like a dream come true for me.
Quite the opposite for me, partner.
Don't worry, I know my stuff.
He doesn't.
Who we picking? We're picking Tyler Lockett from Kansas State.
Taylor Lockett, okay.
Taylor Lockett.
Taylor Lockett? No, what do you think, Taylor Lautner? What are you, Team Jacob? What? Tyler Lockett, Kansas State.
Do you see trade cards? There's a trade card for Jacksonville, a trade card for Indy Do you see one with Washington? Whoa Uh, uh, I'm sorry, some of these cards have a little bit of ketchup on them.
Are you eating right now? Yes.
I get hungry when I'm nervous.
It's actually my slider, Schneider.
No, it's not, we picked it out together.
Man, you fantasy guys.
You all think you can run your own team and then it gets to nut-cuttin' time and you just fall apart.
Every time I'm on the clock I just shit the bed.
Last year in the first round I took Doug Martin.
Yeah.
And you know how that ended up.
It was real message board fodder, Schneider.
Hey, Kevin, come on, the clock's ticking.
I need you to fill that thing out and turn that card in, okay? Right, yes, okay, - um - One minute on the clock for Seattle.
Schneids.
Tyrannosaurus Rux here.
Tyrannosaurus what? I just want you to know that I've got ESPN Insider up and running.
Mel Kiper's hair is gonna tell us who to help you.
We don't care about his hair.
Go.
Give me this.
Okay, Mr.
Schneider, I got the card.
Uh, do I sign it? No, you don't sign it.
Can I sign it? No.
Can I take a selfie with it? No, just go.
Kevin, come on.
The clock's ticking.
Kevin, go.
- Okay, okay, I'm going.
Good-bye! - 15 seconds on the clock.
Okay, I don't have time for this.
Oh! Uh, I Ooh, sorry.
Here! Is the trade in? Trade's in.
Card in? Card's in.
I need a nap.
So what's the story with the coffee scene in Seattle? Is it beat or is it still popping off? Slapdicks.
Chicago has made their pick.
Thank you.
All right, Jenny, it's game time.
You ready? I was born ready.
Let's do this.
Oh, my God.
I got it in.
Look, with Seattle, it's proof you got to run it in.
Okay, all right, enough.
Don't move.
Stay here.
Get away from me.
What did I miss? Jets just picked, Chicago's on the clock.
Jenny's about to announce the pick.
Well, don't be so sure.
I might have told Taco there's one more Sacko punishment.
Hello, Chicago, it's great to be home.
And here to announce Chicago's next pick, please welcome Ms.
Jenny MacArthur.
Hi, Ellie, hi, CB, Mommy loves you! Okay, the 71st pick of the 2015 draft, the Chicago Bears Oh, wow.
would like to select Ha, ha, ha! No, Taco! I got it.
My card, my punishment.
Hey, give me that! Happy birthday, Kevin.
Thank you.
This is great Don't touch me.
Give me thatGive me that! Ow, ow! Hey, ain't those the people from earlier? Yeah, man, they got to be the dumbest people in all of Chicago, man.
Give me It's mine, it's mine! What the hell? This is the weirdest draft ever.
Give it to me.
That is my pick! Whoa! Oh! Whoa! Ooh! Yes, I got it! Jim, Jim, Jim! Oh - Oh - Easy, easy, easy Oh! Okay, with the 71st pick, the Bears select the center from Oregon, Hroniss Grasu.
Baby, baby, you okay? How did I do? You're out of here! Yay, whee! You're in a lot of trouble.
Ooh, another punishment? Is this the butt stuff? Oh, you guys must be so excited!