The Neighborhood (2018) s07e01 Episode Script

1
-
- ♪
All right, Grover. Great job.
Yeah. Anytime, Dad.
Ah.
CALVIN: Really?
"Great job"?
It says, "It's a gril."
I know what it says,
but Grover's been
applying to high schools,
and it's been stressful.
I'm trying to keep things positive.
Well, maybe, if he can't spell "girl,"
he might want to do another
year in middle school.
Calvin.
Marty just called.
Courtney and the baby have been
discharged from the hospital.
They're on their way.
Aw.
Remember that feeling?
Bringing our baby home
for the first time?
- Oh, that was heaven.
- (CHUCKLES)
- Where are the instructions?
- I read the instr
- Oh, wait. Was there instructions?
- Are you sure
- you're following the instructions?
- I wasn't sure. I didn't see them before.
No, I read please stop yelling at me.
But it's still wiggly.
Okay, it's not wiggling.
It's as tight as I can get
- It's cutting into the vegan leather.
- Look.
It's wiggling.
Yeah, if you yank on it like that, Thor.
Yep.
They're never gonna be happier
than they are right now.
GEMMA: Tina.
I found some of Grover's
old bibs and burp cloths.
They're so cute. Look
at this. "Spit happens."
Yeah, I'm-a throw away all this spit.
Feels like she could've
waited five minutes
till I walked away, but whatevs.
Ah, Gemma, you remember this day?
Coming home with a perfect little baby?
(TONGUE CLICKS) Yeah.
And now he's a teenager.
We get side hugs.
And he calls us "bruh."
I just hope Marty and
Courtney appreciate
these precious moments.
(DAPHNE CRYING)
Marty, slow down.
Well, I'm going ten miles an hour.
(HORN HONKS)
Baby on board!
Hey. She stopped crying.
Oh, good.
Wait, no, i-is she okay?
I-I don't know. Maybe she fainted.
You're driving like a maniac.
I'm going ten!
(DAPHNE CRYING)
She's okay. She's crying again.
- Oh, thank God.
- (HORN HONKS)
Hey, yo, there is a baby on board!
Hey, hey, guys, guys?
I-I think I see Marty's car.
Ooh!
Is it parked?
Um, I think it's moving.
Guys, he's got a baby on board.
You know, I hope he
has one of those signs.
Well, we'll know in about half an hour.
You know, I could just walk
down there and get the baby.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I can't
wait to hold that baby.
Wait, wait, wait, here you go.
Oh, it's okay. I just washed my hands.
I didn't see it.
Oh, there's my baby!
- No, not you. Move!
- Oh oh!
Give me my baby.
(DAPHNE CRYING)
Sorry, Mrs. B, she's a little fussy.
Oh, come here, come here.
All she needs is her pop-pop.
That's all. That's all, yeah.
Go-go on, now. We good.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
- Oh, you like your uncle now.
- (BABBLING)
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
She's happy now.
Time for some grandma snuggles.
- Here you go, Grandma.
- (CHUCKLES)
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
- (ALL OOHING)
You know what? I-I must
have squeezed her too hard.
- I'm sorry, Mrs. B. It's okay.
- Yeah.
Oh, okay. Come on. Come to
(DAPHNE CRYING)
Oh, no, no, no, Daphne.
It's okay. It's me. Mama Tina.
I-It's probably just too
much excitement, Mom.
It's not you.
COURTNEY: You know what?
- She's probably just hungry.
- Yeah.
Oh, hungry. Yeah, feed that baby.
Why would you hand me a hungry baby?
(LAUGHTER)
I mean
- Uh-oh. Dinnertime.
- Oh, we're doing this right here.
Ooh.
Ah, you had the stucco removed
during the remodel, huh?
CALVIN: Yeah, see that
Guys, grow up.
Breastfeeding is a
beautiful, natural thing.
Oh, of course. That-that
goes without saying.
That's
Is she still doing it?
Okay. So, help me out here.
Given that we're not a couple,
uh, am I being supportive
by looking or not looking?
It's not like you haven't seen them.
Right, right, but that-that
was that one time,
when, you know, we made her.
It's fine. You're the father.
You can look.
Okay. (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Okay, I'm not gonna look.
- Yeah, please don't.
- I'm not gonna look.
CALVIN: Ooh, whoa, uh
- MARTY: Dad?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can let's talk way over here, please.
Uh, Marty,
- so the two superchargers came in.
- Yeah.
And tomorrow, I'm-a need you
to come in and check them
to make sure we got enough
megatrons to run them.
Okay, Dad, um
Megatron is the bad guy
from Transformers.
Do you mean "megawatts"?
Yeah, him, too.
Look, uh, Marty, you
know this tech stuff
is out of my wheelhouse.
All right? But we got to be ready.
We just signed a deal
to service all of the electric
vehicles for the gas company.
Okay, well, I mean, tell Stefan
to take the lead on that.
Stefan?
That's the kid with the big
holes in his earlobes?
Yeah.
Clearly, he makes bad decisions.
No. No, I-I need you.
I need regular earlobes.
Okay, but-but, Dad,
I'm not gonna be in the office.
I'm taking my paternity leave.
Taking it?
(LAUGHING)
Who's giving it?
We are. It's It's Fusebox policy.
No, no, no. I didn't agree to that.
Dad, it's in our 60-page
onboarding handbook.
- You signed it.
- I may have signed it,
but I definitely didn't read it.
You didn't read my handbook?
Dave, you didn't tell me anything
about a paternity leave in the handbook.
Don't you mean, "Thanks, Dave,
"for using your years of HR experience
to write a free 60-page handbook"?
All I know is, in my day,
we didn't have paternity leave.
Your mother gave birth
to you in the morning
and I was back to work before noon.
And you know how I knew that?
Because I got a egg and
cheese biscuit on the way.
Okay, okay, okay.
Give me that happy baby.
- Okay.
- (CHUCKLES)
Come on, come on.
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
- Oh, no, no, no, Daphne.
Remember? We love each other.
What?
You know newborns.
She's probably just gassy.
Gassy.
Now, why would you hand me a gassy baby?
Calvin, you got to go to
the drugstore right now
and get some gripe water.
What's gripe water?
Uh, they'll know at the drugstore.
Okay, well, what's it for?
Well, by the time you finish
asking me questions,
you could've been back already.
Go!
Sound like you the one
need some gripe water.
Dave? Come on.
- Are you hungry again?
- Oh, my God.
Well, the good news is there
is such thing as gripe water.
The bad news is that it's locked
up like a fifth of Jim Beam.
Look, okay, Calvin, it's not that hard.
Look, there's a little "get
help" button right here.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Associate
needed in the gas relief aisle.
CALVIN: Uh, uh, no, no. It's for a baby.
Baby gas. I'm-I'm not gassy at all.
Why are you so grouchy?
Are you gassy?
No.
Look, it's just a very busy
time at the Fusebox.
And all the extra work is laying on me
because of this paternity
leave nonsense.
Nonsense? I took three
months off with Grover.
Why? Gemma was there.
What the hell were you doing?
Bonding. Singing. Skin-to-skin.
Skin-to-skin?
Yes. Skin-to-skin.
Look, I would take my shirt off
and I would just hold Grover.
Skin-to-skin contact is the reason
he and I are so close to this day.
Well, I kept my shirt on.
And you know why?
Because I was at work.
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
Now let me hold this sweet baby.
- Yes.
- (DAPHNE CRYING)
Oh
But But
(GROANS)
Oh
- (SHUSHING)
- (CRYING STOPS)
Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute!
I know what's going on here.
The poor little thing
is having a reaction
to these cheap diapers
that Gemma bought!
You can insult me all you want
as long as I get to hold this baby.
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna call Calvin.
I'll have him get the good ones
while he's at the drugstore.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey, what's up?
Hey, we need
hypoallergenic diapers stat.
You got to go to the drugstore.
I just got back.
He's just embarrassed because
they thought he had gas.
Well, Gemma bought cheap diapers.
Keep 'em coming. I'm in heaven.
And the baby won't stop crying.
But the baby's not crying.
Well, she's about to cry again.
Look, you got to go to the drugstore.
Go on, now.
Hey, Dad, uh, I'm putting
the bassinet together.
Can you lend me your drill?
And show me how to use it?
And just do it for me?
Hey, hey, hey. No, no and no.
Your father's going to get diapers now.
Are you trying to make it so I can
never take my baby to my house?
If that's the way things
have to be, then so be it.
Hey. Hey, you know what?
Uh, Marty, about this whole
paternity leave thing,
listen, I get it now.
Dave made some good points.
Oh.
Uh, did I? Which ones?
Mm. I'll be quiet.
Yeah, and, uh, you know
what? I get it now.
Oh. You do?
I do.
A-Also, take your shirt off
when you give her the bottle.
Oh, right, for skin-to-skin.
No, no, no, no. No, not that one.
Look, but really, go ahead,
take you some time off.
Hell, you know what?
You can have the whole
week off if you want.
Dad, I'm entitled to eight weeks.
Eight weeks? Eight weeks to do what?
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- What you gonna be doing in eight weeks?
What the hell you gonna do
- H-Hello?
- Diapers!
(BELL RINGS)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Associate
needed in the incontinence aisle.
It's for a baby, sir.
A baby.
A-And eight weeks for
paternity leave? For what?
Well, to bond.
Dads don't bond that early.
We don't nurse. That's a fact.
Well, actually, I nursed Grover.
Yeah, I wore an apparatus
that simulated a breast.
Okay, okay. Dave, you
I don't need to hear any more
of your bonding stories.
You were no more bond-ier
than I was with my boys.
Okay, you know what?
I bet I still have that old daddy
nurser at home in the attic.
- I'm gonna go get it.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't want it! I don't want it!
I don't No, not you, sir.
No, come back. Come back.
I need that little key!
Just wish I could make Calvin understand
why paternity leave is so important.
You know, bonding is the
manliest thing a man can do.
Good God!
You remember this?
I do. I spent 14 years
trying to forget it.
Ah, okay. You know what?
Me going the extra mile to bond
with my son really paid off.
And Marty is gonna regret it
if he and Daphne don't have
the same great memories
that Grover and I have.
Good God!
Hey, uh, why do you have
all that baby stuff out?
Ah, it's for Marty.
But you know it reminded
me of all the great times
that you and I had when you were tiny.
Remember how I used
to read you that book
about the angry little bulldozer
and you would imitate him,
like: "Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom."
Nope.
What? Ah, you were
pretty young back then.
You remember when I took
you to Safari Selina on Ice?
I do not.
Really?
Wh-What about the Michigan State Fair?
Cows, pigs, cotton candy?
Mm, no.
- Avalanche Bay Waterpark?
- No.
- Jumpy Town? The petting zoo?
- No. No.
- Gymboree?
- No.
- Build-A-Bear?
- No.
- The Wiggles?
- Nada.
Are you sure I was there?
Yes, I'm sure you were there!
I bought those Wiggles
tickets off a scalper
in a very sketchy parking lot.
For five times face value.
And you don't remember it?
Oh, oh! Oh, yeah.
Yeah, The Wiggles.
I remem They-they-they sang.
And wiggled.
All right, I got the diapers.
- Oh, damn.
- Oh, damn.
Does that baby ever stop eating?
Tell me about it.
Oh, speaking of which,
the next time you're at the store,
can you get me some nipple cream?
Is that a real thing?
Oh, yeah.
These bad boys take a beating.
Okay, you know what?
I just spent $75 on 12 diapers.
I'm-a let the baby's daddy
get the nipple cream.
Oh, come on.
You all did this with your moms.
Oh, that's nasty.
- Good morning, baby. You hungry?
- No!
Hey, uh, where's your brother?
He at home, watching a YouTube video
on how to assemble a Diaper Genie.
L-Let me ask you something.
We're close, right?
Even though I worked a
lot when you were little?
Is, uh, something bothering you, Pop?
Well, Dave says that bonding starts
when the baby is born.
Well, I didn't take a paternity leave.
I went right back to work.
And the truth is, he's got me worrying
that I didn't bond with you boys.
No, no, w-we did all types
of stuff together, man.
I-I remember, when we were little,
you would take us to
the drive-in movies.
(CHUCKLES) That was fun.
Yeah, yeah. You used to make
us lay down in the backseat
so you didn't have to pay for us.
But-but, hey, that-that
made it exciting.
Yep, that's why I did it.
And remember you used to get us up
at the crack of dawn on Saturdays
and put Pit Stop coupons on
everybody's windshields?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So those
were your teenage years.
That's when you start to form
a work ethic, you know?
(CHUCKLES) I was in the second grade.
Marty was four.
(STAMMERS) Oh.
Okay, yeah, well, that
was a little young.
Okay, yeah, but-but it did,
you know, it did build some character.
I mean, you always said,
"Kickball don't keep the lights on."
Yeah, that sound like me.
- (COOING)
- Aw.
- Look at my happy girl.
- (BURPS)
Ooh. That was a good burp.
Okay, all right now.
- Okay.
- Come on to Grandma.
There we go.
- (CRYING)
- Oh. Come on.
Why do you hate me?
I love you.
I don't know what it is, Mrs. B.
Maybe you're giving "pick me" energy.
What kind of energy am I giving, now?
I don't know, but I'm giving
"I apologize" energy, so
Well, I mean, she was fine
until I touched her bottom.
It could be diaper rash.
It sure could be.
Well, why would you hand
me a rashy-ass baby?
She needs ointment. Calvin!
Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.
I'm going. I'm going, I'm going.
I might as well get a job
at the store at this point.
Dave! Let's go!
(RINGING BELL REPEATEDLY)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Associate
needed in the fungal ointment aisle.
Yeah, that's right,
it's fungus this time.
I'm more mushroom than
I am man at this point.
- Now, this man is basically shiitake!
- Hey.
Dave, calm down, okay?
Are you all right?
No, I'm not all right.
Grover doesn't remember any of
the things that we bonded over.
Have you ever seen Safari Selina on Ice?
When you're looking
at something far away ♪
There's only one thing
that you've got to say ♪
Telescope, telescope,
telescope, hooray! ♪
You know how long that song was?
Eight minutes. You know many
other verses there were?
None!
Okay, so what is your point?
My point is, I've suffered.
And for what?
He doesn't even remember any of it.
Well, unfortunately,
my boys do remember.
Malcolm remembers me
breaking child labor laws
when he was seven.
Calvin, you don't need to
make up horrible stories
just to make me feel better.
Look, I've always been a workaholic.
I-I just don't want Marty to be like me.
Okay, look, well, you probably
don't want to hear this,
but it's never too late for
- skin-to-skin.
- Don't you say it. Don't you say skin-to-skin.
Don't you say skin-to-skin!
All right, Calvin, give me a buzz
when it's time to go
back to the drugstore.
Don't take your shoes off.
If you're looking at
something far away ♪
There's only one thing
you've got to say ♪
BOTH: Telescope,
telescope, telescope ♪
Hooray. ♪
You remember.
R-Remember what?
Th-The song. You remember the song.
Oh, th
I don't know where that came from.
It's terrible.
I know, isn't it?!
Hey, I got the rash cream.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
She's holding my finger.
(CHUCKLES): Oh.
You know, that's what I was gonna say
about the paternity leave thing.
Oh, here we go.
No. No, no, no, no.
I want you to take it.
I mean, take all the time that you need.
Wow. Where'd this come from?
I'm evolving.
I mean, that little baby squishing
your pinky right now,
she's your most important priority,
beyond anything else.
Don't worry about the
Fusebox, all right?
Stephan can handle the megalodons.
Marty!
Good God!
Sorry.
Marty, I got a present for you.
Calvin, eyes up here.
(DAPHNE CRYING)
(TINA SHUSHES)
Don't-don't-don't cry.
Don't cry. It's okay.
(CRYING)
Oh. Oh.
(GROWLS) Um, uh, Marty!
G-Get me some hand sanitizer!
(CRYING)
Marty!
Calvin?!
Oh.
It just breaks my heart
to hear my Daphne cry.
(CRYING CONTINUES)
Okay, shh, shh, shh. Okay. Okay. Okay.
Whether you like me or not,
I'm gonna pick you up.
- (SCREAMING)
- Okay. I know.
D-Don't cry, don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't cry.
I know, baby, I know.
- I know.
- (CRYING STOPS)
- (DAPHNE LAUGHING)
- I know.
You don't hate me.
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
Oh.
You hate the hand sanitizer!
Oh, oh.
Oh, Daphne.
But why didn't you just say that?