8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s07e02 Episode Script
Rob Beckett, Cariad Lloyd, Jamie Laing
This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Sean Lock Jon Richardson Cariad Lloyd Rob Beckett Jamie Laing Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word "nebbish" used to mean someone timid, meek and ineffectual? Basically, it's an old-fashioned word for Jon Richardson.
LAUGHTER In the Farsi language, the term "tiam" describes the sparkle in someone's eyes when you meet them for the first time.
For me, it's a sparkle I most often see in the glint of my headlights in the lay-by off the westbound A42 outside Hemel Hempstead on Thursday nights.
LAUGHTER And the average dog can understand over 150 words.
Unfortunately, five of them aren't "Don't shit on my driveway.
" LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon got married recently, so sorry, ladies, but one of you had to make the ultimate sacrifice.
LAUGHTER Joke's on you, mate, cos you said A42 outside Hemel Hempstead, and the A42 doesn't go near Hemel Hempstead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think you'll find the A42 connects the M42 to Nottingham, so good luck when this goes out, mate, you're going to get absolutely owned.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate is Cariad Lloyd.
CHEERING Cariad plays Megan in the sitcom Peep Show.
In Peep Show, you can hear the characters' thoughts.
I'm glad that doesn't happen on this show.
'I really should have taken out those anal beads before we started.
' LAUGHTER Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING Sean started his professional life as a labourer, but that hasn't held him back.
What's held him back is his looks and personality.
LAUGHTER Joining Sean tonight, it's Rob Beckett.
CHEERING Rob started brushing his teeth nine years ago, and great news LAUGHTER You only need the set-up! You don't even need the punchline! Rob started brushing his teeth nine years ago, and great news, he's nearly finished.
LAUGHTER OK, Rob, where do your strengths lie? I mean, you're not great with the letters or the numbers.
Where LAUGHTER - Where do your strengths lie? - Er, I'm good at cutting out.
LAUGHTER - Keeps me busy.
- I haven't heard that expression, like What, cutting out? Don't you cut out? Not since, like, I was five.
Well, how do you do your Christmas list without cutting out - the Argos catalogue? - LAUGHTER A bit of cutting out, innit? I like it, it chills me out.
I did three hours on a tree frog the other day.
- Have you seen the things on a tree frog? - Must be really - Quite a challenge, I imagine.
- Oh, three hours, mate.
Me elbows were doing angles I've never seen before.
Do you go straight for the, sort of, the intense work, or do you loosely cut around? - I loosely cut around the whole piece - Yeah, yeah.
Then maybe do right hand Do they have hands, frogs? - What is it, is it a frog hand? - Yeah.
- Don't sound right, does it? - It's not a paw.
- Nothing sounds great the way you say it.
LAUGHTER It's a foot, innit? They have two feet.
It's a leg.
They have four legs.
- Like a dog's got four feet.
- Yeah, frog foot.
Do you know what I found out the other day? We only eat lady chickens.
LAUGHTER Is that a religious thing in your family? - No, people that eat chickens, it's all lady chickens.
- What do you think happens to the boy chicks? They're cockerels, but they don't have as many, because lady chick hens, whatever you want to call 'em, grow quicker, bigger quicker, so people eat lady chickens and not male ones.
That blew my mind.
That's why they call it Nando's, not Grandad-do's.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Sean, here's a question for you.
If you had to flee Britain, which country would best suit your temperament? I've always thought about India.
I find India quite exciting, the idea of India as a country where you can get killed by a tiger or a salad.
LAUGHTER That would be very thrilling.
But anywhere you can use a three-pin plug, I'm happy.
- Jersey.
- No, definitely not Jersey.
- Have you been Jersey? - Hmm.
- Strange, innit? - I've been TO Jersey.
LAUGHTER OK.
Cariad, you're on Jon's team today.
- How do you think you'll work as a team-mate? - Well, I think we'll be OK, we're both small, dark and hairy.
Thank you for sharing.
LAUGHTER Erm, so I feel like it's like two lovely hobbits playing with words.
Or, like, a budget, like, Lidl version of Brad and Angelina.
Yeah? LAUGHTER I'm hearing a lot of words, Cariad.
- I'm hearing the words hobbit, Lidl - Budget.
We'd be lovely hobbits.
- Come on, look at you.
- It's not what I'm aiming for.
You'd be such a good hobbit.
It's my eleventy-second birthday today.
I didn't want to say anything.
Jon, it's Cariad's first time on Countdown, have you got any advice for her? You know we can still see you, Jon? It's funny, cos when I put this on I disappeared in my fucking house.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't mean that.
She's the first woman that showed me any affection, and let me just say that, er, that was just a joke, and please don't be gone when I get home.
LAUGHTER OK, Jon, Cariad's first time on the show.
How are you going to advise her this evening? What would you advise her to do? - Erm - Be good.
- I would say, drop the hobbit shit.
You've ruined my self-esteem.
Countdown's just a game, and we're playing Rob, - so we'll probably be all right.
- LAUGHTER - Er, who won last time, mouth? - I didn't understand a word of that.
LAUGHTER I won last time.
I'm on a hot run of form.
- Are you asking me or your own mouth? - I'm asking my own mouth.
"Who won last time, mouth?" "You did.
" "Cheers, mouth.
" "Did you hear him, miss?" "Oh, yeah, we heard him.
" Sorry, have you just reminded Rob he was on Jon's team - when they won last time? - Yes.
I think he was.
- I was.
Yeah, WE did.
Yes.
- LAUGHTER - I reckon it was 80:20 you.
I'm frankly amazed 80:20 added up to 100.
LAUGHTER - Jon - Hello, there.
- Have you got a mascot this evening? - Er, it's more of a pitch, Jimmy.
- A pitch? - Yeah.
Love a pitch.
I'm all ears.
Well, this started as a one-off, didn't it, Cats Does Countdown? It was a bit of a laugh.
So I decided that we can obviously do other shows, so through the show tonight, I'm going to pitch a few new ideas, so I'm starting with 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Does Great British Bake Off LAUGHTER OK, and so you're saying to Cariad, don't continue with the hobbit thing? LAUGHTER That's what you're saying, is it? Don't continue with the hobbit thing? GOLLUM VOICE: Careful, Master Richardson.
It looks small to you, but to him It's a real oven.
Ooh! LAUGHTER So, I've baked us all a cake.
Jamie, this is for you.
This is a Made In Chelsea bun.
It's very similar to an ordinary Chelsea bun, - but I've put too much sugar in it, so it's unbearably rich.
- Thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Aren't you related to biscuits in some way? Yeah, my great-great-grandfather invented the Digestive.
And the Jaffa Cake.
- No, not the Jaffa Cake, the Rich Tea.
- Oh, the Rich Tea? - Yeah, yeah.
Who done Jaffas? - I don't know who did Jaffa Cakes.
- It was McVitie.
- That's your family.
You know that, you should know this.
- I don't know.
Does anyone know their family history? - I don't really know mine.
- What, YOUR family history? I don't know.
I don't know who in my family invented a biscuit.
Unless Uncle Jammie Dodger LAUGHTER I notice something else in your oven there.
What else have you got? Oh, yes, James.
This is for you, this is an iced fing-Carr.
- An iced fing-Carr? - Yes, cos you're Jimmy Carr.
- Oh.
It looks like an ordinary iced finger, but I've had the icing artificially whitened.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Cariad, do you have a mascot? - Yeah, I do.
- What have you got? Well, I did a 53-hour marathon, improv marathon, we improvised nonstop for 53 hours And why, why did you do that? What's the what's the opposite of public demand? LAUGHTER .
.
er, and one of the guys in the marathon dressed up as this character, who I want to talk about now.
This is David Bowie from the Labyrinth years.
LAUGHTER One of the guys dressed up as this during the marathon, and because I didn't sleep for 53 hours, I thought he WAS David Bowie, and in the show I got married to him, so for about 25 hours I thought I was married to David Bowie from Labyrinth.
- So we're good.
- I love it.
I love it.
Rob, have you got a mascot? Yes, mate, I've brought some of my, erm, favourite figures as a kid - LAUGHTER - .
.
in me little box.
These were my favourite figures growing up, so what I'm going to do is put down my favourite football team out of all my figures.
So, what I normally start my team off - you need a good defender, don't you? Sol Campbell.
LAUGHTER He's good, isn't he? And I know what you're thinking - what's better than one Sol Campbell in your team? Two Sol Campbells.
LAUGHTER And you need a goalkeeper in a good team, don't you? I haven't got any goalkeepers.
Next best thing Andre the Giant.
LAUGHTER Look at that hand.
He's stopping everything.
Need some defence on the right back and left back.
Need some protection.
What kind of protection do I need? Proper protection.
Big Boss Man and The Mountie.
LAUGHTER They'll look after everyone.
Who is Big Boss Man? - They're wrestlers.
- Right.
Right, so I need some midfielder, I need some steel.
I need The Guv'nor in midfield.
Paul Ince.
What's better than one Paul Ince? Two Paul Inces.
LAUGHTER Eric Cantona upfront.
What's better than Eric Cantona? AUDIENCE: Two.
Two Alan Shearers.
LAUGHTER And then on the wing He'll lay down for a bit.
LAUGHTER It'll do him good.
Oh, I'll have Noel Edmonds in instead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He knows what he's doing.
On the wing, I've got my favourite wrestler of all time, Koko B Ware.
He's got a parrot called Frankie.
You've got him on the wing.
It's a parrot, right? I know you're thinking, I need someone on the far right, don't I? Hulk Hogan.
Mainly political views, and probably best to keep him as far away from Koko as possible, so That's my team.
- Sean, do you have a mascot? - Well, Jimmy, I have.
I've decided to make If you'd like to help me, Fabio - bring on my Countdown cocktail I'm going to make.
Which is a cocktail made of drinks from every letter of the alphabet.
Thank you.
I mean, if this is genuine booze, we're already in a lot of trouble.
So here we go.
I've got, obviously, a special glass for it to be in.
This is the making of the Countdown cocktail.
I've obviously tried it - it's delicious.
We start with some, just as a base, a bit of amaretto.
- Some of that.
That's A for amaretto.
- That's a fine base, yeah, lovely.
And then there's some Um Bongo.
That's beautifully poured, there! Like something from Cocktail! C - a cheeky half Dr Pepper - lovely! Balances the flavours.
What's in every cocktail these days - espresso.
And then some fodka.
- Just a little.
- Yeah.
Then there's the guest ale.
- Oh, not the whole thing? Interesting.
- God, no, no.
And then a half And then, of course, what do you need with every cocktail? You need some ice, don't you? One, two.
Hey, it's party time - three! Jin - Chin, did you say? - Sorry, what did you say? - Was that J? - Jin.
- Chin.
And of course, K, it's Kia-Ora.
- Has that been watered down or is that neat? - No, it's neat.
- Is that double concentrate we're looking at? - Ooh! - Oh, Sean, go easy! - I'm not drinking toilet cleaner! Just to take the edge of the jin.
OK, so what you have after K? A very, very fine drink, Liebfraumilch.
Which is the milk of a loved woman.
Oh! There we go.
We're up toM.
Mead.
You'll like that.
You should try some of that.
And then N is nog, without the egg.
That's curdled it up real nice, that.
And what's next? O - ouzo.
I only put this in to help the Greek economy.
P - lovely bit of pesto.
- How much, just one finger's worth? - Yeah, just a finger flick.
- CARIAD: Just a pinch.
- Q is Quantro.
Delicious.
This will be an ideal drink to have if you're just meeting up with a couple of friends going to the theatre or the cinema.
You'd have one of these Nothing too fussy If you're going to see a Shakespeare play or something like that and you want something just to take the edge off the day.
R - rest of the bottle! Anything you've got knocking round at home, - whatever it is.
- That's why it's always different.
That's the fun, that's half the fun.
S - shampagne.
There were go.
T - some tea.
Not too much tea.
It can really kill a good cocktail.
V - Vimto.
- CHEERING - Creates a lot of balance.
Colour don't change, does it? W - I think no cocktail, no cocktail is complete without a couple of whelks in it.
ALL: Ugh! X isX! And that is very close to being made.
We just have one last ingredient here, which is really healthy, is the Yakult.
Finally, zest of lemon.
But not too much.
You don't want to overpower the flavours.
- There we go.
- CARIAD: Lime! - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lime! - Lime! Sorry, zest of lime.
Oh, the whole thing's wasted! Oh, forget it.
Move on.
I forgot U! Umbrella.
- Then you just have a straw - Oh, my CRIES OF DISGUS - There's two whelks in there! - I think it could do It could do with a little bit more tea.
RACHEL: I kind of want to try it.
Would you like to try it? I got some straws.
Please do.
JON: You need a knife and fork! Would you like to try a little sip? - What do you think? - I've had worse! It's quite fruity.
We can do that romantic thing where we drink it together.
Three Mile Island ice tea! MUFFLED: Oh, no, I've got a bit of something You've got a bit of whelk? CARIAD: You mess with whelk - I'm going to heave! - ROB: You got a whelk through a straw? With every cocktail you get a towel.
Yeah, just less egg next time.
A bit more Kia-Ora.
- Would anyone like some? - Yeah, with a bit of whelk in.
I'll put it there on the side.
- Thank you.
- If any of that goes on me, this is over.
ROB: This is like your worst nightmare, this, innit, Jon? The end of that whelk looks like an anus that's been dug up on Time Team.
It's just retired from the porn industry.
Sean's cocktail, everyone! APPLAUSE OK, over to Dictionary Corner.
It's from Made In Chelsea, Jamie Laing! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good to have you here, Jamie.
Jamie is a playboy and heir to the McVitie biscuit fortune.
He's described himself as a cross between Hugh Hefner and Willy Wonka.
Fair enough.
I've heard a few people describe him as a huge wonka.
Jamie, do posh people watch Countdown? I think so.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have you ever seen the show? - I have, yeah.
I'm not very good at spelling or maths, so you just watch it, right? OK.
LAUGHTER And with Jamie, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie, you recently researched different words for testicles for a charity campaign.
What were your favourites? I don't know what you call yours.
You can tell us later, but I mean, on the show! I know what I call mine, Huey, Louie and Dewey.
Anyway, I put together this little thesaurus of testicles.
Because if you go back in the past there have been - hundreds of names for them.
There's jelly-bags - Sorry, jelly-bags? - Jelly-bags.
Aunt Pollys.
- Aunt Pollys.
Thingamabobs.
Twiddle-diddles.
Susie once asked me what the origin of teabagging was.
- Why it was called "teabagging".
- ROB: I think it was that drink! We have this conversation all the time.
Not that particular one, but It's probably best if I demonstrate.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel hosted a TV show called Memory Slam, which, somewhat ironically, everyone forgot to watch.
When was that on? I missed it.
Memory Slam.
I never saw it, actually.
Oh, well, you've got that in common with everyone else.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown luggage set.
ALL: Ooooh! I don't understand why HE would have that much luggage, all he owns is thongs.
OK, everyone, time for the first game.
Jon and Cariad get first pick of the letters.
- OK.
Ermconsonant.
- Thank you, Cariad.
Four consonants.
B K N and R And then two vowels.
A and E And then a vowel and a consonant.
Thank you.
I and - A consonant, please.
- And the last one M And for the first time today here's the Countdown clock.
BIG BAND MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - OK, Jon, how many? - A risky eight.
It's a huge start.
OK, Cariad.
- Four.
- Four! - A risky four, though, or a solid four? - Oh, a solid four.
- Solid four.
OK, fine.
- Definitely.
Rob This'll make you feel better.
- Six.
- What?! I knew it! I think it's real word "I think it's real word.
" - A - real word - you knew what I meant.
Let's not split hairs.
OK.
- It's a word, innit? - Yeah.
- Sean? - Six as well.
OK, well, Cariad, let's hear your four.
MARK - MARK? - As in "mark something", not the name.
Rob, let's hear your six.
- BANKER.
- BANKER! Sean, your six.
- EMBARK.
- OK.
And Jon, your risky eight.
Um BITEMARK? BITEMARK.
Ah.
Oh, she's gone to the book! This is exciting, innit? And it's notin.
Well, I believe that is 6 points to Sean and Rob.
APPLAUSE Well, let's go over to Dictionary Corner to see if they could have done any better.
Jamie, Susie - mainly Susie - could they have done any better? BRAT? That's what I had.
That wouldn't be better.
Three sevens - I could find MANKIER, RAIMENT, as in a garment, and MINARET.
OK, our first numbers round.
Sean and Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top, please, and four from the bottom.
- Thank you, Sean.
- ROB: Yeah, what he said.
Yeah.
Two big, four small.
Good teamwork.
Cheers, Sean.
1, another 1 3, 8 and the big ones, 25 and 100.
And the target, 984.
OK, and your time starts now.
- Sean.
Did you get it? - No, I got 979.
OK.
Rob.
Nah, I got to 900 and thought, "I'm not going to be able to do the rest.
" - Jon.
- I think I might have got it.
- OK.
Cariad? - Yeah, same as Rob - I got to 900 and realised that I can't divide, so It's going to be fun! All right.
So, Jon, how did you do? 100 + 25 125 - 1 - 1 123 x 8 Perfect, yeah.
984.
And that's 10 points to Jon! Can we just get a close up there of Jon's most-pleased-he's-ever- been face? LAUGHTER The scores - Sean and Rob have 6, Jon and Cariad have 10! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH And here is your teaser.
The words are WANG ITCH, the clue is - keep your eyes on the ball.
That's WANG ITCH - keep your eyes on the ball.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were WANG ITCH.
The clue was - keep your eyes on the ball.
The answer was of course WATCHING.
So, Jon and Cariad are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a bit now.
They've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Sean and Cariad.
- So, Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Can I have three vowels? Thank you, Cariad.
O A and E.
And four consonants.
D, G, L As I'm not involved in this one I'm going to pitch 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Does Breaking Bad.
LAUGHTER I don't actually know how you do drugs.
I assume you eat it.
Yeah, that's how it ruins your teeth, crystal meth, because you chew it.
Oh, yeah, another consonant.
- R.
- And a vowel.
U And a consonant, please.
And the last one H OK, and your time starts now.
Cariad, what have you got? I've only got five.
That's all right, you're up against Sean, you might be all right! - Sean, how many have you got? - Six.
- Oh! - Cariad, what's your five? - LARGE.
- OK, and Sean? - HURDLE.
Six points to Sean.
APPLAUSE - How's that crystal coming along? - I like it! - Very moreish, I hear.
Mm, lovely crystal meth.
What vintage is that? It's from the Fox's Glacier Mint.
Mm! That's the best house.
You can just taste a hint of the glue they've used to try and stick it down.
LAUGHTER Over to Dictionary Corner.
Could they have done any better? - Susie got - I had no input - LAUGHED.
- You had no input? Shut up! - I know! - You were just helping her.
You're such a bloody gentleman! So at the end of that, Jon and Cariad have 10, Sean and Rob are just in the lead with 12.
APPLAUSE Right, now it's time for Jon and Rob to go head-to-head.
Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two big ones and then all the rest little.
It sounded like you were about to say, "And a packet of crisps as well, love.
" 3.
Another 3.
1, 4, and the big ones, 100 and 75.
And the target, 808.
OK, and your time starts now.
So the target was 808.
Rob, how far away were you? - 808.
- You got it? No, that's how far away I was.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's really hard, innit? It really is.
Jon, did you get it? No, I got 803.
What is the point of you? Rob's got a life outside of this.
This is all you've got, Jon, and you can't even do this.
I've got ahooter.
So, how did you get 803? WHINY: 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 4 = 8 8 x 110 = 800 How have you made your voice more annoying? 800 + 3 = 803 - Yeah, lovely.
- OK, that's seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE - Does he get the points, then? - He gets some points, yeah.
- Because he's nearest.
- But on the letters one, I don't get a point for being near a word.
It's either a word or it's a not! - Or it's a not - LAUGHTER OK, Rachel, could it be done and can you tell us how it's done without upsetting them? - There was only a handful I could see.
- Only a handful.
Sure, take the edge off.
75 x 4 = 300 300 + 3 = 303 303 x 3 = 909 909 - 100 - 1 = 808 APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Jamie, you star in Made In Chelsea and you are incredibly posh.
You make me look like Danny Dyer.
We want to find out a bit more about incredibly posh people.
Made In Chelsea has its own posh language.
What does "rig" mean? Well, everyone uses rig.
Rig is your body, isn't it? - Not everyone uses rig! - No-one uses that? - No! - There are people that are different to you.
There are ten people like you and they are all on your show.
- No-one else has ever used the term "rig".
- Have you never used that? - If someone says - Someone says "The rig," I think they're going to the North Sea for oil.
If I said to you, "You've got a good rig," you'd know what that means, no? He would knock you out, mate.
OK, this is the other thing about posh people - you give kids incredibly bad names.
On Made In Chelsea there's Binky and Phoebe-Lettice Thompson.
LAUGHTER Why do posh people give their kids such ridiculous names? Well, they know they'll never need a job.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Good point! A very good point.
But I think it's now kind of the fashion to have funny names, isn't it? - I've got a friend called Horatio.
- Mm-hm? What, the bloke out of JLS? - Horatio and JLS? - Yeah! - Oritse.
Yeah.
I don't do Hs, do I? When Rob and Jamie talk, it's like a Dickens novel happening.
INGRATIATING: Want your shoes doing, sir? LAUGHTER I've got some genuine and made up posh names here and they're taken from the birth announcements in The Telegraph.
- Can you spot which are real and which are fake? OK? - Mm-hm.
Is that real or did we make that up? Zebedee - I think that's real.
You're absolutely right, that's a real name.
- Zebedee was on The Magic Roundabout.
- Yeah! What's the Badger doing at the end? What about this one, OK? I think that's real, as well.
You're absolutely right, that is real.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER There was that book, Biggles, wasn't there? So I think that's real, as well.
You're absolutely right - they're all real! APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Laing! APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Rob have 12, but Jon and Cariad have 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are FART WOES.
The clue is - there's an app for that.
That's FART WOES, there's an app for that.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were FART WOES, the clue was - there's an app for that.
It was, of course, SOFTWARE.
OK, on with the game.
- Sean and Rob, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want to choose, Rob? Er, yeah.
Four of the Cs.
How lazy are you? Four Cs, four Vs and then we'll have a look and see where we are.
G O E Gone for a couple of lively ones, ain't ya? I - Consonant, please.
- That's what I was thinking, Sean, thanks.
R OK, and your time starts now.
- Rob, how many? - Er, four.
Not great.
- No, that would be five, wouldn't it? - Yeah.
Which I think I could have had.
- Sean.
- I've only got five.
OK.
Jon.
I'll try a six, then.
Cariad? I think it's a five, but I might be wrong.
- All right.
Rob, what's your four? - GEAR.
Cariad, what was yours? VOGER, V-O-G-E-R.
I feel like it's a maths term but I might have just made that up.
OK.
Sean, you had a five, I believe.
Yes.
Very much what everyonefirst thing that comes into their mind when they think about me.
GIVER.
In biblical times, there'd be Sean The Giver.
OK, Jon, your six for the points.
It's what the suffragettes fought for - VOTAGE.
- VOTAGE? - We just want a bit of VOTAGE, mate.
- No? - No.
Sorry.
- Their battle goes on.
LAUGHTER So, Sean, you get five points.
APPLAUSE Susie, Jamie, could they have done any better? - Susie got an eight.
- It's a RAVIGOTE SHE READS DEFINITION ALOUD Ravigote.
Well, if you got that at home get out more.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Cariad have 17, Sean and Rob also have 17.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go over once again to Jamie Laing in Dictionary Corner.
You're from Chelsea and you're incredibly posh.
Rob, you're from Lewisham and you'renot.
I thought he was going to go, "Scum.
" "You're posh and, Rob, you're scum.
" I've got the teeth for a posh dude.
You have got the teeth of a posh man, yeah.
Yeah, I have got the teeth of a posh man.
You should give those back.
OK, we're going to play a quiz to see how much you know about each other's worlds.
To the podiums.
- I'm ready, mate.
- I'm ready, mate, as well.
- OK.
APPLAUSE It looks like a demonstration of, yeah, you can dye your hair blond but don't get carried away.
Mine's not that bad, is it? - Yeah, it is, yeah.
- I look like the guy from Back To The Future.
Biff Tannen, Doc.
It looks like when twins get separated and one is raised rich and one is raised poor.
All right.
Rob, you've got questions about Chelsea and posh things and, Jamie, you've got questions about Lewisham andother stuff.
Here we go.
DRAMATIC JINGLE Yeah, that's where the money goes.
It feels so tense now, doesn't it? OK.
Jamie, what does the acronym "chav" stand for? Acronym.
Chav.
Erm It means Chav Help me out.
It's not an acronym.
It originated from people from Chatham because they used to call them chavs.
You're talking out your arse, mate.
Sorry, sir.
LAUGHTER OK.
According to this, it's "council housed and violent".
Chav.
You've just nicked that from a Plan B song.
It don't mean that, it comes from Chatham.
- OK.
Rob.
- Yeah.
- What does the posh acronym BYW stand for? Is it like BYOB? - BYOB? - Bring your own booze.
- Bogof? - Boggle? - Bogof.
- What is? - Buy one get one free.
- Bogof? I feel like I've got myself in a terrible double act.
It's like watching chimps find a mirror.
- Have you seen that, though? - What? They put a mirror in the jungle and the animals saw themselves for the first time.
It's actually fascinating.
- BYW.
- Bring yourwealth? Bring your wellies? - Yes! - Oh! No! Rob, take a look at the screen.
What is this posh food? It looks like little eggs.
Are they little eggs? - Yeah, what kind of eggs? - Little eggs.
- What kind of eggs, though? - You've had those - Small eggs.
- Yeah.
- Little eggs.
Well, er Yeah, little eggs.
I don't know what more you want from me! What bird did it come from? - What bird did it come from? - Yeah.
A little one.
You put some salt on it and you have it cold.
- You get them in, like, packets.
- I know how to eat an egg, yeah.
- They're quail's eggs.
- Quails? Oh, yeah, that rings a bell.
- OK.
Jamie.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're on Lewisham High Street.
- Mm-hmm.
It's already a hypothetical.
Someone asks you for a cow's calf.
What are they after? - Half of something.
Is that right? - I mean, you're Cow's calf, half a pint.
- No, it's 50 pence.
- Oh.
OK, Rob, if you meet the Queen, what should you call her? Er, Your Highness? You would call Your Majesty Your Highness? You're a disgrace.
To be fair, I'd probably get a briefing.
I wouldn't just go straight in, balls deep without knowing what to call her.
Know what I mean? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERFUL JINGLE All I can tell you at the end of that, Rob's won.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are A RANK GOO, the clue is - commonly found in the bush.
That's A RANK GOO, commonly found in the bush.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were A RANK GOO.
The clue was - commonly found in the bush.
It was, of course, KANGAROO OK.
Time for our final letters game.
Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, we'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
F And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
P LAUGHTER Is that a dirty word? It's an online term for masturbation.
Fap.
Ah.
A vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
M - Fapem.
- Fapem.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
S A vowel, please.
U A consonant, please.
S Fap 'em, Sus.
LAUGHTER That's what Jamie's going to call his first-born.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
And the last one P Your 30 seconds starts now.
PLAYS ACCORDION COUNTDOWN JINGLE APPLAUSE Thank you.
APPLAUSE Jon, how did you do? - A five.
- Cariad? Well, I did really well till I realised that M is not an N.
So it all went downhill from there.
Oh, no.
What did you think you had? I thought I had SUBPOENAS.
SUBPOENAS would have been amazing! - Yeah, I know.
- OK, Rob? I got a six.
- Ooh.
- Shut the front door.
- Sean, how many did you get? - Five, Jimmy.
OK, so let's hear your five.
SPAMS As in e-mail.
SPAMS.
What did you get, Jon? PUMPS Er, OK.
Rob, your six? Yeah, my six, MAUSSE.
You know, like little rat thing.
M-A-U-S-S-E.
LAUGHTER MAUSSE There you go, pop the E on there.
That's it.
MAUSSE APPLAUSE OK.
That's five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Jamie and Susie, could they have done any better? And really, Susie, we're relying on you here, because let's face facts.
- No, well, actually - I think I got a seven.
- He had a good one.
- What? - SUPPEMS.
It's not in the dictionary, but Does it mean, "What are we having for suppems?" Is that the idea? Yep, that's exactly it.
LAUGHTER The only thing I could get was AMUSES for six.
AMUSES for six.
That's pretty good.
That's still pretty good.
OK, so it is neck and neck.
Jon and Cariad have 22.
So do Sean and Rob.
So it's all to play for.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - I think I've got it.
- Go on.
SLAPSTICK Let's take a look.
CHEERING Check that out! I'm going home.
I'd better come back in.
Well done to him, everyone.
Yes! The celebration was poor, but I just got panicked.
LAUGHTER Two in a row and the conundrum! I'll be on the proper one soon.
I feel a bit worn out now.
I'm going to pass out.
That's the adrenaline rush that is pure Countdown, mate.
LAUGHTER - I got it.
- Very good.
Well done.
- Thanks, Sean.
And you can see I'm just equally as excited as you.
LAUGHTER So the final scores are Jon and Cariad have 22 points, but tonight's winners with 32 - Sean and Rob! CHEERING Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this - the Countdown luggage set.
Thanks to all our players, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the word "nebbish" used to mean someone timid, meek and ineffectual? Basically, it's an old-fashioned word for Jon Richardson.
LAUGHTER In the Farsi language, the term "tiam" describes the sparkle in someone's eyes when you meet them for the first time.
For me, it's a sparkle I most often see in the glint of my headlights in the lay-by off the westbound A42 outside Hemel Hempstead on Thursday nights.
LAUGHTER And the average dog can understand over 150 words.
Unfortunately, five of them aren't "Don't shit on my driveway.
" LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
CHEERING Jon got married recently, so sorry, ladies, but one of you had to make the ultimate sacrifice.
LAUGHTER Joke's on you, mate, cos you said A42 outside Hemel Hempstead, and the A42 doesn't go near Hemel Hempstead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I think you'll find the A42 connects the M42 to Nottingham, so good luck when this goes out, mate, you're going to get absolutely owned.
LAUGHTER And Jon's team-mate is Cariad Lloyd.
CHEERING Cariad plays Megan in the sitcom Peep Show.
In Peep Show, you can hear the characters' thoughts.
I'm glad that doesn't happen on this show.
'I really should have taken out those anal beads before we started.
' LAUGHTER Up against them this evening, it's Sean Lock.
CHEERING Sean started his professional life as a labourer, but that hasn't held him back.
What's held him back is his looks and personality.
LAUGHTER Joining Sean tonight, it's Rob Beckett.
CHEERING Rob started brushing his teeth nine years ago, and great news LAUGHTER You only need the set-up! You don't even need the punchline! Rob started brushing his teeth nine years ago, and great news, he's nearly finished.
LAUGHTER OK, Rob, where do your strengths lie? I mean, you're not great with the letters or the numbers.
Where LAUGHTER - Where do your strengths lie? - Er, I'm good at cutting out.
LAUGHTER - Keeps me busy.
- I haven't heard that expression, like What, cutting out? Don't you cut out? Not since, like, I was five.
Well, how do you do your Christmas list without cutting out - the Argos catalogue? - LAUGHTER A bit of cutting out, innit? I like it, it chills me out.
I did three hours on a tree frog the other day.
- Have you seen the things on a tree frog? - Must be really - Quite a challenge, I imagine.
- Oh, three hours, mate.
Me elbows were doing angles I've never seen before.
Do you go straight for the, sort of, the intense work, or do you loosely cut around? - I loosely cut around the whole piece - Yeah, yeah.
Then maybe do right hand Do they have hands, frogs? - What is it, is it a frog hand? - Yeah.
- Don't sound right, does it? - It's not a paw.
- Nothing sounds great the way you say it.
LAUGHTER It's a foot, innit? They have two feet.
It's a leg.
They have four legs.
- Like a dog's got four feet.
- Yeah, frog foot.
Do you know what I found out the other day? We only eat lady chickens.
LAUGHTER Is that a religious thing in your family? - No, people that eat chickens, it's all lady chickens.
- What do you think happens to the boy chicks? They're cockerels, but they don't have as many, because lady chick hens, whatever you want to call 'em, grow quicker, bigger quicker, so people eat lady chickens and not male ones.
That blew my mind.
That's why they call it Nando's, not Grandad-do's.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE OK, Sean, here's a question for you.
If you had to flee Britain, which country would best suit your temperament? I've always thought about India.
I find India quite exciting, the idea of India as a country where you can get killed by a tiger or a salad.
LAUGHTER That would be very thrilling.
But anywhere you can use a three-pin plug, I'm happy.
- Jersey.
- No, definitely not Jersey.
- Have you been Jersey? - Hmm.
- Strange, innit? - I've been TO Jersey.
LAUGHTER OK.
Cariad, you're on Jon's team today.
- How do you think you'll work as a team-mate? - Well, I think we'll be OK, we're both small, dark and hairy.
Thank you for sharing.
LAUGHTER Erm, so I feel like it's like two lovely hobbits playing with words.
Or, like, a budget, like, Lidl version of Brad and Angelina.
Yeah? LAUGHTER I'm hearing a lot of words, Cariad.
- I'm hearing the words hobbit, Lidl - Budget.
We'd be lovely hobbits.
- Come on, look at you.
- It's not what I'm aiming for.
You'd be such a good hobbit.
It's my eleventy-second birthday today.
I didn't want to say anything.
Jon, it's Cariad's first time on Countdown, have you got any advice for her? You know we can still see you, Jon? It's funny, cos when I put this on I disappeared in my fucking house.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I don't mean that.
She's the first woman that showed me any affection, and let me just say that, er, that was just a joke, and please don't be gone when I get home.
LAUGHTER OK, Jon, Cariad's first time on the show.
How are you going to advise her this evening? What would you advise her to do? - Erm - Be good.
- I would say, drop the hobbit shit.
You've ruined my self-esteem.
Countdown's just a game, and we're playing Rob, - so we'll probably be all right.
- LAUGHTER - Er, who won last time, mouth? - I didn't understand a word of that.
LAUGHTER I won last time.
I'm on a hot run of form.
- Are you asking me or your own mouth? - I'm asking my own mouth.
"Who won last time, mouth?" "You did.
" "Cheers, mouth.
" "Did you hear him, miss?" "Oh, yeah, we heard him.
" Sorry, have you just reminded Rob he was on Jon's team - when they won last time? - Yes.
I think he was.
- I was.
Yeah, WE did.
Yes.
- LAUGHTER - I reckon it was 80:20 you.
I'm frankly amazed 80:20 added up to 100.
LAUGHTER - Jon - Hello, there.
- Have you got a mascot this evening? - Er, it's more of a pitch, Jimmy.
- A pitch? - Yeah.
Love a pitch.
I'm all ears.
Well, this started as a one-off, didn't it, Cats Does Countdown? It was a bit of a laugh.
So I decided that we can obviously do other shows, so through the show tonight, I'm going to pitch a few new ideas, so I'm starting with 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Does Great British Bake Off LAUGHTER OK, and so you're saying to Cariad, don't continue with the hobbit thing? LAUGHTER That's what you're saying, is it? Don't continue with the hobbit thing? GOLLUM VOICE: Careful, Master Richardson.
It looks small to you, but to him It's a real oven.
Ooh! LAUGHTER So, I've baked us all a cake.
Jamie, this is for you.
This is a Made In Chelsea bun.
It's very similar to an ordinary Chelsea bun, - but I've put too much sugar in it, so it's unbearably rich.
- Thank you.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Aren't you related to biscuits in some way? Yeah, my great-great-grandfather invented the Digestive.
And the Jaffa Cake.
- No, not the Jaffa Cake, the Rich Tea.
- Oh, the Rich Tea? - Yeah, yeah.
Who done Jaffas? - I don't know who did Jaffa Cakes.
- It was McVitie.
- That's your family.
You know that, you should know this.
- I don't know.
Does anyone know their family history? - I don't really know mine.
- What, YOUR family history? I don't know.
I don't know who in my family invented a biscuit.
Unless Uncle Jammie Dodger LAUGHTER I notice something else in your oven there.
What else have you got? Oh, yes, James.
This is for you, this is an iced fing-Carr.
- An iced fing-Carr? - Yes, cos you're Jimmy Carr.
- Oh.
It looks like an ordinary iced finger, but I've had the icing artificially whitened.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Cariad, do you have a mascot? - Yeah, I do.
- What have you got? Well, I did a 53-hour marathon, improv marathon, we improvised nonstop for 53 hours And why, why did you do that? What's the what's the opposite of public demand? LAUGHTER .
.
er, and one of the guys in the marathon dressed up as this character, who I want to talk about now.
This is David Bowie from the Labyrinth years.
LAUGHTER One of the guys dressed up as this during the marathon, and because I didn't sleep for 53 hours, I thought he WAS David Bowie, and in the show I got married to him, so for about 25 hours I thought I was married to David Bowie from Labyrinth.
- So we're good.
- I love it.
I love it.
Rob, have you got a mascot? Yes, mate, I've brought some of my, erm, favourite figures as a kid - LAUGHTER - .
.
in me little box.
These were my favourite figures growing up, so what I'm going to do is put down my favourite football team out of all my figures.
So, what I normally start my team off - you need a good defender, don't you? Sol Campbell.
LAUGHTER He's good, isn't he? And I know what you're thinking - what's better than one Sol Campbell in your team? Two Sol Campbells.
LAUGHTER And you need a goalkeeper in a good team, don't you? I haven't got any goalkeepers.
Next best thing Andre the Giant.
LAUGHTER Look at that hand.
He's stopping everything.
Need some defence on the right back and left back.
Need some protection.
What kind of protection do I need? Proper protection.
Big Boss Man and The Mountie.
LAUGHTER They'll look after everyone.
Who is Big Boss Man? - They're wrestlers.
- Right.
Right, so I need some midfielder, I need some steel.
I need The Guv'nor in midfield.
Paul Ince.
What's better than one Paul Ince? Two Paul Inces.
LAUGHTER Eric Cantona upfront.
What's better than Eric Cantona? AUDIENCE: Two.
Two Alan Shearers.
LAUGHTER And then on the wing He'll lay down for a bit.
LAUGHTER It'll do him good.
Oh, I'll have Noel Edmonds in instead.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He knows what he's doing.
On the wing, I've got my favourite wrestler of all time, Koko B Ware.
He's got a parrot called Frankie.
You've got him on the wing.
It's a parrot, right? I know you're thinking, I need someone on the far right, don't I? Hulk Hogan.
Mainly political views, and probably best to keep him as far away from Koko as possible, so That's my team.
- Sean, do you have a mascot? - Well, Jimmy, I have.
I've decided to make If you'd like to help me, Fabio - bring on my Countdown cocktail I'm going to make.
Which is a cocktail made of drinks from every letter of the alphabet.
Thank you.
I mean, if this is genuine booze, we're already in a lot of trouble.
So here we go.
I've got, obviously, a special glass for it to be in.
This is the making of the Countdown cocktail.
I've obviously tried it - it's delicious.
We start with some, just as a base, a bit of amaretto.
- Some of that.
That's A for amaretto.
- That's a fine base, yeah, lovely.
And then there's some Um Bongo.
That's beautifully poured, there! Like something from Cocktail! C - a cheeky half Dr Pepper - lovely! Balances the flavours.
What's in every cocktail these days - espresso.
And then some fodka.
- Just a little.
- Yeah.
Then there's the guest ale.
- Oh, not the whole thing? Interesting.
- God, no, no.
And then a half And then, of course, what do you need with every cocktail? You need some ice, don't you? One, two.
Hey, it's party time - three! Jin - Chin, did you say? - Sorry, what did you say? - Was that J? - Jin.
- Chin.
And of course, K, it's Kia-Ora.
- Has that been watered down or is that neat? - No, it's neat.
- Is that double concentrate we're looking at? - Ooh! - Oh, Sean, go easy! - I'm not drinking toilet cleaner! Just to take the edge of the jin.
OK, so what you have after K? A very, very fine drink, Liebfraumilch.
Which is the milk of a loved woman.
Oh! There we go.
We're up toM.
Mead.
You'll like that.
You should try some of that.
And then N is nog, without the egg.
That's curdled it up real nice, that.
And what's next? O - ouzo.
I only put this in to help the Greek economy.
P - lovely bit of pesto.
- How much, just one finger's worth? - Yeah, just a finger flick.
- CARIAD: Just a pinch.
- Q is Quantro.
Delicious.
This will be an ideal drink to have if you're just meeting up with a couple of friends going to the theatre or the cinema.
You'd have one of these Nothing too fussy If you're going to see a Shakespeare play or something like that and you want something just to take the edge off the day.
R - rest of the bottle! Anything you've got knocking round at home, - whatever it is.
- That's why it's always different.
That's the fun, that's half the fun.
S - shampagne.
There were go.
T - some tea.
Not too much tea.
It can really kill a good cocktail.
V - Vimto.
- CHEERING - Creates a lot of balance.
Colour don't change, does it? W - I think no cocktail, no cocktail is complete without a couple of whelks in it.
ALL: Ugh! X isX! And that is very close to being made.
We just have one last ingredient here, which is really healthy, is the Yakult.
Finally, zest of lemon.
But not too much.
You don't want to overpower the flavours.
- There we go.
- CARIAD: Lime! - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Lime! - Lime! Sorry, zest of lime.
Oh, the whole thing's wasted! Oh, forget it.
Move on.
I forgot U! Umbrella.
- Then you just have a straw - Oh, my CRIES OF DISGUS - There's two whelks in there! - I think it could do It could do with a little bit more tea.
RACHEL: I kind of want to try it.
Would you like to try it? I got some straws.
Please do.
JON: You need a knife and fork! Would you like to try a little sip? - What do you think? - I've had worse! It's quite fruity.
We can do that romantic thing where we drink it together.
Three Mile Island ice tea! MUFFLED: Oh, no, I've got a bit of something You've got a bit of whelk? CARIAD: You mess with whelk - I'm going to heave! - ROB: You got a whelk through a straw? With every cocktail you get a towel.
Yeah, just less egg next time.
A bit more Kia-Ora.
- Would anyone like some? - Yeah, with a bit of whelk in.
I'll put it there on the side.
- Thank you.
- If any of that goes on me, this is over.
ROB: This is like your worst nightmare, this, innit, Jon? The end of that whelk looks like an anus that's been dug up on Time Team.
It's just retired from the porn industry.
Sean's cocktail, everyone! APPLAUSE OK, over to Dictionary Corner.
It's from Made In Chelsea, Jamie Laing! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Good to have you here, Jamie.
Jamie is a playboy and heir to the McVitie biscuit fortune.
He's described himself as a cross between Hugh Hefner and Willy Wonka.
Fair enough.
I've heard a few people describe him as a huge wonka.
Jamie, do posh people watch Countdown? I think so.
Yeah, yeah.
- Have you ever seen the show? - I have, yeah.
I'm not very good at spelling or maths, so you just watch it, right? OK.
LAUGHTER And with Jamie, of course, is Susie Dent! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Susie, you recently researched different words for testicles for a charity campaign.
What were your favourites? I don't know what you call yours.
You can tell us later, but I mean, on the show! I know what I call mine, Huey, Louie and Dewey.
Anyway, I put together this little thesaurus of testicles.
Because if you go back in the past there have been - hundreds of names for them.
There's jelly-bags - Sorry, jelly-bags? - Jelly-bags.
Aunt Pollys.
- Aunt Pollys.
Thingamabobs.
Twiddle-diddles.
Susie once asked me what the origin of teabagging was.
- Why it was called "teabagging".
- ROB: I think it was that drink! We have this conversation all the time.
Not that particular one, but It's probably best if I demonstrate.
OK.
In charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rachel hosted a TV show called Memory Slam, which, somewhat ironically, everyone forgot to watch.
When was that on? I missed it.
Memory Slam.
I never saw it, actually.
Oh, well, you've got that in common with everyone else.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown luggage set.
ALL: Ooooh! I don't understand why HE would have that much luggage, all he owns is thongs.
OK, everyone, time for the first game.
Jon and Cariad get first pick of the letters.
- OK.
Ermconsonant.
- Thank you, Cariad.
Four consonants.
B K N and R And then two vowels.
A and E And then a vowel and a consonant.
Thank you.
I and - A consonant, please.
- And the last one M And for the first time today here's the Countdown clock.
BIG BAND MUSIC CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - OK, Jon, how many? - A risky eight.
It's a huge start.
OK, Cariad.
- Four.
- Four! - A risky four, though, or a solid four? - Oh, a solid four.
- Solid four.
OK, fine.
- Definitely.
Rob This'll make you feel better.
- Six.
- What?! I knew it! I think it's real word "I think it's real word.
" - A - real word - you knew what I meant.
Let's not split hairs.
OK.
- It's a word, innit? - Yeah.
- Sean? - Six as well.
OK, well, Cariad, let's hear your four.
MARK - MARK? - As in "mark something", not the name.
Rob, let's hear your six.
- BANKER.
- BANKER! Sean, your six.
- EMBARK.
- OK.
And Jon, your risky eight.
Um BITEMARK? BITEMARK.
Ah.
Oh, she's gone to the book! This is exciting, innit? And it's notin.
Well, I believe that is 6 points to Sean and Rob.
APPLAUSE Well, let's go over to Dictionary Corner to see if they could have done any better.
Jamie, Susie - mainly Susie - could they have done any better? BRAT? That's what I had.
That wouldn't be better.
Three sevens - I could find MANKIER, RAIMENT, as in a garment, and MINARET.
OK, our first numbers round.
Sean and Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two from the top, please, and four from the bottom.
- Thank you, Sean.
- ROB: Yeah, what he said.
Yeah.
Two big, four small.
Good teamwork.
Cheers, Sean.
1, another 1 3, 8 and the big ones, 25 and 100.
And the target, 984.
OK, and your time starts now.
- Sean.
Did you get it? - No, I got 979.
OK.
Rob.
Nah, I got to 900 and thought, "I'm not going to be able to do the rest.
" - Jon.
- I think I might have got it.
- OK.
Cariad? - Yeah, same as Rob - I got to 900 and realised that I can't divide, so It's going to be fun! All right.
So, Jon, how did you do? 100 + 25 125 - 1 - 1 123 x 8 Perfect, yeah.
984.
And that's 10 points to Jon! Can we just get a close up there of Jon's most-pleased-he's-ever- been face? LAUGHTER The scores - Sean and Rob have 6, Jon and Cariad have 10! APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH And here is your teaser.
The words are WANG ITCH, the clue is - keep your eyes on the ball.
That's WANG ITCH - keep your eyes on the ball.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser, the words were WANG ITCH.
The clue was - keep your eyes on the ball.
The answer was of course WATCHING.
So, Jon and Cariad are in the lead.
Time to mix things up a bit now.
They've been playing in teams, but this game is just for Sean and Cariad.
- So, Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
- Can I have three vowels? Thank you, Cariad.
O A and E.
And four consonants.
D, G, L As I'm not involved in this one I'm going to pitch 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown Does Breaking Bad.
LAUGHTER I don't actually know how you do drugs.
I assume you eat it.
Yeah, that's how it ruins your teeth, crystal meth, because you chew it.
Oh, yeah, another consonant.
- R.
- And a vowel.
U And a consonant, please.
And the last one H OK, and your time starts now.
Cariad, what have you got? I've only got five.
That's all right, you're up against Sean, you might be all right! - Sean, how many have you got? - Six.
- Oh! - Cariad, what's your five? - LARGE.
- OK, and Sean? - HURDLE.
Six points to Sean.
APPLAUSE - How's that crystal coming along? - I like it! - Very moreish, I hear.
Mm, lovely crystal meth.
What vintage is that? It's from the Fox's Glacier Mint.
Mm! That's the best house.
You can just taste a hint of the glue they've used to try and stick it down.
LAUGHTER Over to Dictionary Corner.
Could they have done any better? - Susie got - I had no input - LAUGHED.
- You had no input? Shut up! - I know! - You were just helping her.
You're such a bloody gentleman! So at the end of that, Jon and Cariad have 10, Sean and Rob are just in the lead with 12.
APPLAUSE Right, now it's time for Jon and Rob to go head-to-head.
Rob, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two big ones and then all the rest little.
It sounded like you were about to say, "And a packet of crisps as well, love.
" 3.
Another 3.
1, 4, and the big ones, 100 and 75.
And the target, 808.
OK, and your time starts now.
So the target was 808.
Rob, how far away were you? - 808.
- You got it? No, that's how far away I was.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It's really hard, innit? It really is.
Jon, did you get it? No, I got 803.
What is the point of you? Rob's got a life outside of this.
This is all you've got, Jon, and you can't even do this.
I've got ahooter.
So, how did you get 803? WHINY: 3 - 1 = 2 2 x 4 = 8 8 x 110 = 800 How have you made your voice more annoying? 800 + 3 = 803 - Yeah, lovely.
- OK, that's seven points to Jon.
APPLAUSE - Does he get the points, then? - He gets some points, yeah.
- Because he's nearest.
- But on the letters one, I don't get a point for being near a word.
It's either a word or it's a not! - Or it's a not - LAUGHTER OK, Rachel, could it be done and can you tell us how it's done without upsetting them? - There was only a handful I could see.
- Only a handful.
Sure, take the edge off.
75 x 4 = 300 300 + 3 = 303 303 x 3 = 909 909 - 100 - 1 = 808 APPLAUSE OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Jamie, you star in Made In Chelsea and you are incredibly posh.
You make me look like Danny Dyer.
We want to find out a bit more about incredibly posh people.
Made In Chelsea has its own posh language.
What does "rig" mean? Well, everyone uses rig.
Rig is your body, isn't it? - Not everyone uses rig! - No-one uses that? - No! - There are people that are different to you.
There are ten people like you and they are all on your show.
- No-one else has ever used the term "rig".
- Have you never used that? - If someone says - Someone says "The rig," I think they're going to the North Sea for oil.
If I said to you, "You've got a good rig," you'd know what that means, no? He would knock you out, mate.
OK, this is the other thing about posh people - you give kids incredibly bad names.
On Made In Chelsea there's Binky and Phoebe-Lettice Thompson.
LAUGHTER Why do posh people give their kids such ridiculous names? Well, they know they'll never need a job.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Good point! A very good point.
But I think it's now kind of the fashion to have funny names, isn't it? - I've got a friend called Horatio.
- Mm-hm? What, the bloke out of JLS? - Horatio and JLS? - Yeah! - Oritse.
Yeah.
I don't do Hs, do I? When Rob and Jamie talk, it's like a Dickens novel happening.
INGRATIATING: Want your shoes doing, sir? LAUGHTER I've got some genuine and made up posh names here and they're taken from the birth announcements in The Telegraph.
- Can you spot which are real and which are fake? OK? - Mm-hm.
Is that real or did we make that up? Zebedee - I think that's real.
You're absolutely right, that's a real name.
- Zebedee was on The Magic Roundabout.
- Yeah! What's the Badger doing at the end? What about this one, OK? I think that's real, as well.
You're absolutely right, that is real.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER There was that book, Biggles, wasn't there? So I think that's real, as well.
You're absolutely right - they're all real! APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Laing! APPLAUSE OK, so Sean and Rob have 12, but Jon and Cariad have 17.
APPLAUSE Here is your teaser.
The words are FART WOES.
The clue is - there's an app for that.
That's FART WOES, there's an app for that.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were FART WOES, the clue was - there's an app for that.
It was, of course, SOFTWARE.
OK, on with the game.
- Sean and Rob, your turn to choose the letters.
- Do you want to choose, Rob? Er, yeah.
Four of the Cs.
How lazy are you? Four Cs, four Vs and then we'll have a look and see where we are.
G O E Gone for a couple of lively ones, ain't ya? I - Consonant, please.
- That's what I was thinking, Sean, thanks.
R OK, and your time starts now.
- Rob, how many? - Er, four.
Not great.
- No, that would be five, wouldn't it? - Yeah.
Which I think I could have had.
- Sean.
- I've only got five.
OK.
Jon.
I'll try a six, then.
Cariad? I think it's a five, but I might be wrong.
- All right.
Rob, what's your four? - GEAR.
Cariad, what was yours? VOGER, V-O-G-E-R.
I feel like it's a maths term but I might have just made that up.
OK.
Sean, you had a five, I believe.
Yes.
Very much what everyonefirst thing that comes into their mind when they think about me.
GIVER.
In biblical times, there'd be Sean The Giver.
OK, Jon, your six for the points.
It's what the suffragettes fought for - VOTAGE.
- VOTAGE? - We just want a bit of VOTAGE, mate.
- No? - No.
Sorry.
- Their battle goes on.
LAUGHTER So, Sean, you get five points.
APPLAUSE Susie, Jamie, could they have done any better? - Susie got an eight.
- It's a RAVIGOTE SHE READS DEFINITION ALOUD Ravigote.
Well, if you got that at home get out more.
The scores at the moment, Jon and Cariad have 17, Sean and Rob also have 17.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go over once again to Jamie Laing in Dictionary Corner.
You're from Chelsea and you're incredibly posh.
Rob, you're from Lewisham and you'renot.
I thought he was going to go, "Scum.
" "You're posh and, Rob, you're scum.
" I've got the teeth for a posh dude.
You have got the teeth of a posh man, yeah.
Yeah, I have got the teeth of a posh man.
You should give those back.
OK, we're going to play a quiz to see how much you know about each other's worlds.
To the podiums.
- I'm ready, mate.
- I'm ready, mate, as well.
- OK.
APPLAUSE It looks like a demonstration of, yeah, you can dye your hair blond but don't get carried away.
Mine's not that bad, is it? - Yeah, it is, yeah.
- I look like the guy from Back To The Future.
Biff Tannen, Doc.
It looks like when twins get separated and one is raised rich and one is raised poor.
All right.
Rob, you've got questions about Chelsea and posh things and, Jamie, you've got questions about Lewisham andother stuff.
Here we go.
DRAMATIC JINGLE Yeah, that's where the money goes.
It feels so tense now, doesn't it? OK.
Jamie, what does the acronym "chav" stand for? Acronym.
Chav.
Erm It means Chav Help me out.
It's not an acronym.
It originated from people from Chatham because they used to call them chavs.
You're talking out your arse, mate.
Sorry, sir.
LAUGHTER OK.
According to this, it's "council housed and violent".
Chav.
You've just nicked that from a Plan B song.
It don't mean that, it comes from Chatham.
- OK.
Rob.
- Yeah.
- What does the posh acronym BYW stand for? Is it like BYOB? - BYOB? - Bring your own booze.
- Bogof? - Boggle? - Bogof.
- What is? - Buy one get one free.
- Bogof? I feel like I've got myself in a terrible double act.
It's like watching chimps find a mirror.
- Have you seen that, though? - What? They put a mirror in the jungle and the animals saw themselves for the first time.
It's actually fascinating.
- BYW.
- Bring yourwealth? Bring your wellies? - Yes! - Oh! No! Rob, take a look at the screen.
What is this posh food? It looks like little eggs.
Are they little eggs? - Yeah, what kind of eggs? - Little eggs.
- What kind of eggs, though? - You've had those - Small eggs.
- Yeah.
- Little eggs.
Well, er Yeah, little eggs.
I don't know what more you want from me! What bird did it come from? - What bird did it come from? - Yeah.
A little one.
You put some salt on it and you have it cold.
- You get them in, like, packets.
- I know how to eat an egg, yeah.
- They're quail's eggs.
- Quails? Oh, yeah, that rings a bell.
- OK.
Jamie.
- Mm-hmm.
- You're on Lewisham High Street.
- Mm-hmm.
It's already a hypothetical.
Someone asks you for a cow's calf.
What are they after? - Half of something.
Is that right? - I mean, you're Cow's calf, half a pint.
- No, it's 50 pence.
- Oh.
OK, Rob, if you meet the Queen, what should you call her? Er, Your Highness? You would call Your Majesty Your Highness? You're a disgrace.
To be fair, I'd probably get a briefing.
I wouldn't just go straight in, balls deep without knowing what to call her.
Know what I mean? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE CHEERFUL JINGLE All I can tell you at the end of that, Rob's won.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are A RANK GOO, the clue is - commonly found in the bush.
That's A RANK GOO, commonly found in the bush.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were A RANK GOO.
The clue was - commonly found in the bush.
It was, of course, KANGAROO OK.
Time for our final letters game.
Jon and Cariad, your turn to choose the letters.
Er, we'll have a consonant, please.
Thank you, Jon.
F And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
P LAUGHTER Is that a dirty word? It's an online term for masturbation.
Fap.
Ah.
A vowel, please.
E And a consonant, please.
M - Fapem.
- Fapem.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
S A vowel, please.
U A consonant, please.
S Fap 'em, Sus.
LAUGHTER That's what Jamie's going to call his first-born.
LAUGHTER Consonant, please.
And the last one P Your 30 seconds starts now.
PLAYS ACCORDION COUNTDOWN JINGLE APPLAUSE Thank you.
APPLAUSE Jon, how did you do? - A five.
- Cariad? Well, I did really well till I realised that M is not an N.
So it all went downhill from there.
Oh, no.
What did you think you had? I thought I had SUBPOENAS.
SUBPOENAS would have been amazing! - Yeah, I know.
- OK, Rob? I got a six.
- Ooh.
- Shut the front door.
- Sean, how many did you get? - Five, Jimmy.
OK, so let's hear your five.
SPAMS As in e-mail.
SPAMS.
What did you get, Jon? PUMPS Er, OK.
Rob, your six? Yeah, my six, MAUSSE.
You know, like little rat thing.
M-A-U-S-S-E.
LAUGHTER MAUSSE There you go, pop the E on there.
That's it.
MAUSSE APPLAUSE OK.
That's five points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Jamie and Susie, could they have done any better? And really, Susie, we're relying on you here, because let's face facts.
- No, well, actually - I think I got a seven.
- He had a good one.
- What? - SUPPEMS.
It's not in the dictionary, but Does it mean, "What are we having for suppems?" Is that the idea? Yep, that's exactly it.
LAUGHTER The only thing I could get was AMUSES for six.
AMUSES for six.
That's pretty good.
That's still pretty good.
OK, so it is neck and neck.
Jon and Cariad have 22.
So do Sean and Rob.
So it's all to play for.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BUZZER - I think I've got it.
- Go on.
SLAPSTICK Let's take a look.
CHEERING Check that out! I'm going home.
I'd better come back in.
Well done to him, everyone.
Yes! The celebration was poor, but I just got panicked.
LAUGHTER Two in a row and the conundrum! I'll be on the proper one soon.
I feel a bit worn out now.
I'm going to pass out.
That's the adrenaline rush that is pure Countdown, mate.
LAUGHTER - I got it.
- Very good.
Well done.
- Thanks, Sean.
And you can see I'm just equally as excited as you.
LAUGHTER So the final scores are Jon and Cariad have 22 points, but tonight's winners with 32 - Sean and Rob! CHEERING Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this - the Countdown luggage set.
Thanks to all our players, our wonderful studio audience and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.