All In The Family s07e02 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days Hey, you wouldn't believe what them two dummies was talkin' about over here.
What? Well, they were sayin' that because you and me kid around a lot, and you take good care of me when I come in here, that you and me-- well, you know.
What? Well, no--no, I ain't got the time.
Well, uh-- In case you ever have the time Here's my number.
- Excuse me.
- Oops.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Who the hell is that? Uh--uh--who-- uh, who is it? MAN: The beer from Kelsey's.
- Oh! - Kelsey's--my God.
Oh, come on in.
I'll get you the money.
Ah, good evenin', Mr.
Bunker.
Uh, good evenin'.
Nice evenin', huh? Yeah, but it looks like it's nicer for you than for me.
Whaddya mean by that? Well, I'm workin'.
I don't know what you're doing.
Listen, kid, come here.
I wanna talk to ya.
What's your name again? My name is Carlos.
I don't want to read about this here event on the walls of Kelsey's toilet.
Not even in Spanish, capice? Sure, sure, I understand, Mr.
Bunker.
Big deal.
Who cares? I don't care.
Nobody cares no more-- why should you? Listen, have yourself a ball! Know what I mean? Here's the-- Oh, where'd he go? He didn't wait.
Uh--well, uh-- he took off 'cause I paid him, uh--Denise.
- Oh, well, I-- - Uh, listen, listen-- I hope you ain't gonna mindthis, but, uh I think I'd better go home.
Well, I'm sorry, Archie.
No, no, no, don't be sorry.
You ain't got nothin' to be sorry about.
You didn't drag me over here.
I got this certain surge to come over, you know? And now I got a surge to get outta here, so I'm sorry you gotta leave, Ar-Ar-Archie.
Did I do something wrong? No, no.
No, you didn't do nothing wrong.
Maybe me, but not you.
So, uh Well, I'll, um I'll see you tomorrow? Well, I'll tell ya, I don't think that you and me oughta see each other no more.
Not even at the coffee shop? I think that from now on we oughta be like that old saying two sheeps that passed in the night.
To show you just how good a ventriloquist I really am, I'm gonna drink that glass of water while she sings a song.
Ready? Go! I had a halfback at California I had a quarterback at Yale as well [GURGLES.]
I corresponded with an end and center And the center at Cornell - Pfft! - Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
- That's all right.
That's okay.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.
- [DOORBELL RINGS.]
- Oh, somebody's at the door.
Come on in! It's open! [IMITATES MAE WEST.]
Oh, why don't you come in and see me sometime? What did you say? Hi, there, big mama.
Do you believe in the hereafter? Oh, yeah.
Then what are ya here after? Oh! [GIGGLES.]
Oh, my.
You look just like Betty Grable.
What are you doin'? I was doin' Mae West.
Oh.
Then why are you dressed like Betty Grable? Ma, we're rehearsing for the faculty frolics.
I'm the ventriloquist-- Yeah, and I'm the dummy.
Which reminds me-- where's Archie? Oh.
I'd hoped you knew.
He ain't home.
I don't know where he is.
Well, I know where he isn't.
He's not at the philharmonic, the opera, or a B'nai B'rith meeting.
Ma, he's probably at Kelsey's.
Oh, yeah.
Well, don't let me interrupt you.
You go right on bein' Betty Grable.
- Mae West, Mae West.
- Oh, Mae West.
Oh, can I watch? I could be the audience.
Oh, sure, Ma.
Go on, sit down over there.
Oh, thank you.
[GIGGLES.]
I love a good show.
Okay.
Are you ready? Mm-hmm.
I had a date the other night with a gorgeous redhead.
Oh! What did you do? Well, I wined her, and I dined her, and then she invited me up to her apartment.
Did you go? Absolutely not.
And you call me the dummy.
Ma, that--that was it.
That was the joke.
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, that's good.
It's very good.
No, it's the pits.
It's the pits.
Oh, no, Gloria, you can do anything.
You remember when you was a little girl, we thought you was the next Shirley Temple.
You could sing and dance.
Why, I remember when you was three years old, we put your hair in curls like Shirley, and I took you to a party, and you got up and sang "On The Good Ship Lollipop.
" Oh, you were so adorable until you got a little seasick, and you threw up all over your father.
Would you mind if I went up and took a little look at Joey? - Oh, no, not at all, Ma.
- Oh, no, Ma, go.
I wonder if Archie's at Kelsey's.
Why, are you worried about him? Oh no, but when I left the house, he was a little upset.
I had to run over to the Sunshine Home, and he didn't like that very much.
Oh, well, I'll call Kelsey's and see if he's there.
Oh, no, no, don't do that.
If you call, he'll think I'm checkin' up on him.
I'll call.
Ma, what's the difference who calls? You see, if Gloria calls, he'll know I'm nervous, 'cause he'll know I had her call so it won't look like I'm nervous.
But if I call, he'll know I wanna find out where he is, and that's why I call.
I'm gettin' worried.
Why? Ma's startin' to make sense to me.
Oh, Mr.
Kelsey? Oh, hello, Harry.
This is Edith Bunker.
Oh, hi! No, he ain't here.
Oh, that's all right.
Don't mention it.
Good-bye.
Who ain't here now? Me? No.
Archie's old lady, checkin' up on him.
Anyway, Harry, look-- I'll admit that Dempsey had a great punch, but this Muhammad Ali's a great showman.
I'd like to tell him his poetry stinks.
Yeah? And I'd like to be there when you tell him.
Oh, hey, Arch! Lucky you came in.
No--no--no time for stories.
Harry, gimme some change.
I gotta use the phone right away.
- Aw, use this one.
- Oh, jeez, thanks a lot, Harry.
- Yeah, but Arch, Listen-- - No, No, no-- Please don't-- Lemme make this call, will ya? This is a very important call here.
Please, you guys, just dummy up there.
- Yeah, but Arch-- - Till I get through, huh? Shh.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi there, Meathead.
Thank God it's you.
Now, listen, don't say nothin' to Gloria about this.
Don't say nothin' to nobody.
And don't think nothin' about it yourself.
I'll tell you all about it later on.
I want you to do me a favor.
Yeah, sure, what's the matter? Now, step outside of the house and cross the alley.
Run around my house, peak in the windows, and see if Edith is there.
I don't have to do that, Arch.
What do you mean, you don't have to do that? You wouldn't do a favor for me? After all I done for you? Arch, I don't have to do that because Ma's here.
She's upstairs.
You want me to call her down? Oh, jeez! No, no, no, no! That's exactly what I don't want you to do.
Do not call her down.
Um Well, I--I don't think I could do that.
Uh, I mean, that's one of the things that I could not do at this moment.
What the hell are you talkin' about? Hi, Ma! Oh, hi Oh, I think I get it.
She's in the room with ya, huh? Hey, hey--listen.
Now, listen--uh-- uh, was she askin' for me? That's right.
It was a nice day today.
But why are you calling at this hour to talk about my plumbing? Oh, I--I get it.
I get it.
Okay, I get it.
Very good.
Now, don't spill anything there, now.
Now--now keep-- keep that shifty look outta your eyes-- the way you get when you're guilty about something there, will ya? 'Cause I could almost believe you got it on now.
And that silly grin, you know, when you're tryin' to lie about somethin'.
Just be cool there, will ya? Don't tell her you was talkin' to me.
And try to keep her there as long as you can.
You understand me? Huh? Say somethin', will ya? Uh--um, yes-- sorry, Madam, um--but, uh-- What do you mean "Madam"? You're supposed to be talkin' to a plumber! Uh--yeah-- I think it's great that you women are finally getting a chance to make it into the plumbing business.
Uh--uh-- good-bye, there.
Hold--hold--hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it! What the hell am I sayin' "hold it" to him for? That Polack can only hold a knife and fork.
Arch--Arch, I been tryin' to tell you.
Your wife called five minutes ago.
What do you mean, tryin' to tell me? Why didn't you tell me? You wouldn't let me.
What did she want? You.
What'd you tell her? I told her you weren't here.
Why did you tell her that? 'Cause you weren't here! Let me think let me think.
Uh-- did she believe ya? Arch, wives believe me when I tell 'em lies for you guys-- why wouldn't they believe me when I tell 'em the truth? Aw, jeez, I--I-- I'm in trouble.
Gimme a drink.
One beer, comin' up.
Oh, no, no, I need somethin' stronger than one beer.
How 'bout two beers? Don't be a wise guy.
Gimme a little Fleischmann's smooth over the ice there.
You told her I wasn't here, Harry, huh? Yeah.
Well, how did you tell her? I said, "Mrs.
Bunker, he ain't here.
" Then I'm in a jam.
What do you mean, Arch? If Edith knows I wasn't here tonight, then where was I? What's the trouble, Arch? Yeah, what's the matter, Arch? What was you up to tonight? Foley, never mind that.
What was you up to tonight? Well, I had a date with a dame, she stood me up, so I took in a flick.
What picture did you see? I seen a double feature.
Hey, two scorchers, eh? "Eight In A Waterbed" and "Pinnocchio Meets the Happy Hooker.
" And, uh I don't know, after that I just stopped off for a pizza and I wound up here.
Why? I don't like what you done tonight.
You done somethin' else.
You went bowlin'.
I did? That's right.
With me.
Okay, I went bowlin' with you.
Do you hear that, Harry, huh? - Yeah, Arch.
- Well, give it back to me.
Joe went bowlin' with you.
That's right.
And if Joe went bowlin' with me, it follies naturally that I went bowlin' with him.
Huh? All right.
Now, you're gonna back me up on this, see? Lord, I'm gonna go to church the rest of my life if you leave me get away with a few lies tonight.
Oh, sheesh.
Hey, uh, one of them lies got lipstick on the handkerchief.
Huh? Uh--uh, that ain't lipstick.
Uh--I had a little nosebleed goin' up in an elevator.
Oh, you're beautiful, Arch.
You bleed raspberry.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, guys.
Now, let me tell you this-- And this is the truth! No matter where I was tonight, the sexual act was never constipated.
What are you doin' now? What Nixon shoulda done to the tapes.
Don't step on the leaves.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, let's hear it.
Oh, quit worryin', will ya? I got it, I got it.
Will you please let me hear it again? All right, all right.
I called you down at Kelsey's, and then-- No, no, no, jeez.
You didn't call me at Kelsey's.
You called me here.
Go ahead.
Again.
All right.
I called you here, at your house.
I told you to meet me down at Kelsey's-- No, jeez! No, no.
You called me here and you told me to meet you down at the bowlin' alley.
I wasn't at Kelsey's.
Edith knows I wasn't at Kelsey's.
Aw, jeez, you're gettin' me all mixed up.
Take it easy, take it easy, will ya, Joe? Just--just keep calm and cool.
You get in there, you tell your story simple and quick, you get a pain in the gut, and you run like hell outta here.
All right, all right? Uh--look, Arch.
I'll just say, "Archie went bowlin'.
" Yes.
"He didn't go over to Denise's--" I'm dead! Listen, Archie, uh Look, on the level, maybe I shouldn't go through with this, you know what I mean? I--I oughta beat it.
You see, I, um Well, every time I talk to women, they always smell a rat.
I'm beginnin' to smell one myself.
Hey, wait--wait a-- just sit tight, will ya? - Jeez.
- Where you goin'? Over here.
Gonna take a look.
Watch the leaves! See that, all that worryin' for nothin'.
The coast is clear.
She ain't even home.
Now, look, all you gotta do is scoot in the door, duck upstairs, hop in bed-- you're home free! See? Oh, uh-- listen, Arch.
If you need a place to sleep tonight, you know where I live, huh? Good luck, pal.
See you tomorrow.
[INAUDIBLE.]
Oh! Oh, you're home! Yeah, yeah.
So am I.
Yeah, I see that, Edith.
Mmm! You smell good.
What's that? Uh, that's a perfume, Edith.
Uh, I--I got that on the subway.
A cross-eyed lady came and sat down next to me, you know? She opened her purse, took out the perfume, poofed it, give it to herself-- she got it all over me.
Oh.
[GIGGLES.]
Well, what did you go on the subway for? Uh--me and Joe Foley, we took the subway to Long Island City to bowl.
Well--well, you're all dressed up.
This is your good shirt from Disneyworld.
Well, it's their new alleys there, Edith.
They call 'em the "Society Lanes," you know? A lot of classy people from the East side of New York come over to bowl there, so, uh-- you know, so So, so much for me, anyway, uh-- well, how was your evening? What about old man Kleeger and his clackers? Ooh, they fit fine.
They fit him perfect.
Why did you and Joe-- Did he, uh-- did he ever propose to old lady what's-her-name? Oh, yeah.
Friedman, yeah.
Oh, it was so romantic.
They sat together on the sofa, and he wanted to get on his knees to pop the question.
[GIGGLES.]
So, I helped him get down.
And then, he asked her to marry him.
Ah.
Did she say yes to him? Well, she kinda nodded her head, so he thought that meant yes, but what she really was doin' was fallin' asleep.
Jeez, uh, I feel a little like goin' to sleep myself, you know, Edith? Did you and Joe bowl good? Oh, yeah, yeah, pretty good.
I started out the evening with 168, and then, uh--I went to the second game, and I went up to the third game with 177, Edith.
You don't believe me, you can ask Joe Foley.
He knows where I was and what I was doin'.
His number's in the little black book there.
So, uh Yeah, I think I'll go to bed, Edith.
Archie.
Where was you? I told you where I was.
Really.
I'll level with ya, Edith.
I was playin' poker with the guys.
And, uh, I lost 12 bucks, and knowin' the way you feel about gamblin'-- see, I was--I was ashamed to tell you.
Where was you? Edith, now, just let me say this to you.
That this whole evening is gonna run a lot smoother if you just believe everything I say and then forget about it, now Come on, let's go to bed, huh? No.
I ain't goin' to bed till you tell me the truth.
Edith, I told you the truth.
What more am I supposed to say to you? Archie, I wanna ask you a question.
What? Whose phone number is this? Well, I wouldn't know, Edith.
Is that my handwriti'' on there? Maybe I better call and find out.
Well, do whatever you wanna do, Edith.
I don't care.
[DIALING.]
Wait a minute, uh Don't do that.
You left me alone again tonight.
And you're doin' a lot of that lately, Edith.
So, here I was, alone, and, uh, feelin' lonesome, didn't know what to do, so, uh I took a walk with myself, to no place in particular.
I wound up over the other side of Norton Boulevard, there, and I'm walkin' along, past this here apartment house, and up comes a person that I know.
And, uh well, she's a waitress, Edith, and, uh uh, she works in a joint where I eat maybe once a month, you know? So, uh Well, she's carryin' two bags of groceries, you know? And she says, "Hello, Mr.
Bunker.
" And, uh, "Would you mind helpin' me upstairs with a bag of groceries?" So, I says, "Oh, all right.
" I grab a bag of groceries, I went over to there, you know? We put the groceries down, and we're talkin' there, and we're kiddin' around a little bit, and she asks if I'd like a glass of wine, so I had our tawny port with me to-- No, uh--listen, Edith, don't get yourself all upset, because whatever happened there, there was nothin' wrong.
I save all that wrong for you, you know.
Now, Edith, just remember, you married me for better or for worse, and up to now, it's all been a "better," so here's a little of the "worse" for you here.
Don't cry! Don't make a big thing outta nothin'! Well, ain't it a big thing? No, it ain't a big thing! Why's it a big thing? I mean, somebody go to an apartment with some groceries there, all you do is you talk and you kid around a little bit, you have a couple of glasses of wine and a harmless kiss.
You kissed her?! Aw, jeez.
Edith, what can I say to you except to tell you the God's-honest truth.
It--it didn't mean nothin' at all.
Edith, can't you just forgive and forget, huh? I don't know.
I ain't had no experience with this before.
Now, wait a minute, don't-- well, don't walk away.
Let's talk about it, huh, Edith? We can talk or we can-- What are you takin' your coat for? Now, why would you leave the house? [CRIES.]
Archie, the one thing I could always count on was you.
Now, I can't count on you no more.
[CRIES.]
[PHONE RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
[RINGS.]
Uh, hello? Oh, hello, Gloria.
How are you? I'm fine.
Uh--well, no, your mother ain't here.
Well, I don't know, she's, uh--just, uh wellGloria uh, to tell you the truth I--I--I think your mother just run away from home.
All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.