Bewitched (1964) s07e02 Episode Script

There.
How's that? Tighter.
Darrin.
If I tied it any tighter, you'd pass out.
I wanna pass out.
It's the merciful thing to do.
I just resent having to wear a dinner jacket to eat dinner in my own house, just to please a so-called empress.
If it'll make you feel any better, she won't be pleased.
She'd rather you wear tails.
And she is an empress and high priestess of all witches and warlocks.
That still doesn't give her the right to barge into our house and turn it into Buckingham Palace.
Well, she'll change it back when she leaves.
Sweetheart, try to understand.
Uh, redecorating makes her feel more at home.
Where does she live? The Taj Mahal? Boy, some nerve.
"I, Hepzibah, will reside in this house for one week, "to decide whether or not "this first and only mixed marriage of witch to mortal should be dissolved.
" Blech.
Sam is this all worth it? I mean, wouldn't it be easier if we agreed you'd go to the witches' convention by yourself? Wouldn't that satisfy her? It would not satisfy me.
If I have to go to Salem to that dumb witches' convention, I want you to come with me.
Mommy? Where did you get that outfit? Her Majesty.
She said a young lady should dress properly for dinner.
And a fairy princess never looked lovelier.
What did she dress Adam as? Prince Charming? so he's not allowed to come down at all.
Darn.
I wish I had thought of that.
Well, first call for dinner.
Ex-queen Samantha, her daughter Tabitha, and mortal.
Well, come, come.
Din-din is getting cold.
Who are they? Our servants, of course.
We never travel anywhere without our servants.
Well, you can tell your "trumpeteer" that I have a name and a title: Darrin Stephens, master of this house.
Not while we live here.
And for not remembering your place, you get one demerit.
Young man when those other nine demerits are over with that other demerit, you will be dissolved.
Uh, come on, sweetheart.
Our, uh, din-din is getting cold.
"Dissolved?" Shh.
Everything looks yummy.
Oh, it looks different.
Hm.
What is it? Oh, pâté of elephant tail, pickled eye of newt.
Over there is hummingbird tongue parmigiana.
And here is kidney of iguana bourguignonne in neat-feet oil.
Well, to be perfectly honest, uh, Your Highness, these, ahem, goodies are a little exotic for my system.
Ridiculous.
Pâté of elephant tail is no more exotic than blueberry pie.
Uh, Darrin's not too crazy about blueberry pie either.
This is ethnic food.
By refusing to share it with us, you are insulting an entire ethnic group.
What do you say to that? How about the eight ball in the side pocket? Another demerit for that feeble attempt at humor.
Well, that's three down, seven to go.
Answer the door.
Well, i-it's no one we know, uh, Your Majesty.
I-I mean, a friend would never just drop in at the dinner hour, uninvited.
And a friend who would drop in at the dinner hour isn't much of a friend.
Sowho needs him? We do.
If we are researching the species, we would like to meet as many mortals as possible.
Hi, Sam.
I'm sorry to barge in at dinnertime but I had to drop these papers off for Darrin.
And I'd like to-- You're having a costume party and you didn't invite me.
Oh! Uh, no, no, Larry.
Uh, we're just entertaining an aunt of mine who insists we dress up.
Excuse me.
When, uh, did you redecorate? Redecorate? We didn't.
It's my aunt's.
She's very, very wealthy, and, uh a little strange.
A lot strange.
A ding-a-ling? Samantha uh, bring whoever it is into our presence.
I'd better go.
I'll call you later, Darrin.
No, no.
Larry, please.
Uh, just-- Just meet her.
Your Majesty, may I present my business associate, Mr.
Tate? Do I curtsy? A bow will do.
Nicely done.
We are pleased with this one.
Thank you, Your Highness.
I'm available for knighthood.
Eh, he's a bit of a ding-a-ling.
Heh.
Uh, Darrin, I'm sorry to barge in on this little dinner party of yours, but I had to talk to you before we meet with Hitchcock in the morning.
Oh.
Sit down and join us.
Oh, I-- I'd be honored, but, uh, actually, I'm joining my wife at the club for dinner.
Oh, and you know how Louise hates to be kept waiting.
So why don't you just run along? But, uh, I, heh, could have an hors d'oeuvre or two.
Postlethwaite.
It certainly looks delicious.
Don't bother, Postlethwaite.
I'm full.
As you were.
Thank you.
Mm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
It is delicious.
I mean, really delicious.
I never tasted anything like it.
What is it? It's a secret family recipe.
So, uh-- Uh, Hitchcock is coming to the office tomorrow, right? Mm.
I can taste the parmigiana, but I can't make out-- The hummingbird tongue? The what? That's very amusing, Your Highness.
Oh, funny, huh? We have heard of hummingbird tongue being tasty, but never amusing.
Tabitha, are you enjoying your hummingbird tongue? I like the pickled eye of newt better.
The pickled-- Eye of newt.
Uh, listen I hate to eat and run, but, uh-- Run, run.
Heh.
Louise is waiting.
Oh, I'll see you in the morning.
It's been an honor meeting you, Your Highness.
And, uh, don't get up.
I think I can find my way out.
At least the creature was man enough to give it a try.
I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
Just a few more days, and it'll all be over.
Wellthe way I'm piling up demerits, it could be all over today.
I'd better get along.
HEPZIBAH: Where? To work.
That interests us.
What is "work"? That's a very good question, Your Majesty.
And Samantha is just the person to explain it.
See you later, honey.
Uh, by your leave.
What is "work"? Oh, that's what mortals do from 9 to 5.
You will explain while we have our breakfast.
Quickly, Penelope.
Naughty, naughty.
Once over lightly.
Repeat.
What is "work"? Well, in Darrin's case, it's advertising.
What is advertising? Advertising is-- Well After breakfast, you will take us to his workshop.
Oh, uh but I-I couldn't take us there.
I-I mean, he's very busy.
If we have time to watch him, then he will make time to be watched.
But I couldn't possibly leave the house.
I don't have a babysitter.
You do now.
Y-- Yes, uh, Your Majesty.
Morning.
It's almost noon.
I know.
I had a great night's sleep.
One hour, from Did I eat hummingbird tongue last night, or didn't I? Larry, will you please forget last night? Uh, Hitchcock will be here any minute.
Now, let's go over the presentation.
What's pickled eye of newt? Uh, it's kind of a squash prepared with a sauce.
It is? Because I love squash.
Hello.
Uh, we didn't have a chance to call.
Uh, Aunt Hepzibah wanted to come and see where you work.
Carry on.
L-look, uh-- Uh, Your Majesty, we're really very busy.
Good.
Then we shall observe "busyness.
" Sam, would you please try to explain to Her Highness that we're expecting a very important client? Larry said they're expecting-- We do not need a translation.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes? Hitchcock is here.
Tell him to wait.
Send him in.
I've got a great idea, Your Majesty.
Why don't you visit the United Nations? You can meet a lot of kings and presidents.
Send him in.
Send him in.
Uh, look, Your Majesty uh, Mr.
Hitchcock is a very busy man, an-and busy men are sometimes very brusque and impatient.
He might say something to insult you.
We hope not, for his sake.
Oh.
Good to see you, Mr.
Hitchcock.
Uh, Tate.
Mr.
Hitchcock.
Stephens.
Oh, uh, may I present my wife, Samantha? How do you do? And her Aunt Hepzibah visiting from out of town.
Ladies.
I've got exactly before we go to lunch, Stephens.
Shall we get on with it? Yes, let's get on with it.
I-in the conference room.
Uh, that won't be necessary.
We are very comfortable here.
Is this some sort of a joke, Tate? Heh-heh.
Well, uh-- Ha.
Well, my aunt i-- Was rather interested in studying the world of business.
Perhaps it's not my place to say this, madam, but, uh-- You're a most attractive woman.
And I cannot imagine you being interested in anything as dull as business.
How very gallant, Mr.
Hitchcock.
Ernest, please.
I beg you.
Well, shall we get started, Mr.
Hitchcock? Uh, there are ladies present, Tate.
Let's chat a while, hm? Hepzibah.
Hepzibah.
What a lovely name.
Biblical? Hardly.
So you're from out of town.
Where, may I ask, my dear? Oh! She's lived all over.
Yes.
Uh, Mr.
Hitchcock, if-- If you'll take a look at the pre-- Presentation-- As soon as I can take my eyes off this lovely and incredibly beautiful creature.
So you're a world traveler.
Perhaps you've used my airlines.
The regal bird with the silver beak? We are pleased with this man.
He has quality.
Uh, the feeling is mutual.
Perhaps we can discuss it at lunch.
Delighted.
The thing is, I only made a reservation at Pavillon for you and Darrin.
They're booked solid.
How fortunate for us, Hepzibah.
We shall dine alone then.
Oh! Come along.
We'll see you after lunch.
Your Majesty.
Have you ever been to Crete? Not for centuries.
What--? What--? What happened? How could you do it, Sam? How could you do it? We-- Well, I-I didn't have any choice.
I mean, if Mr.
Hitchcock had said one rude word to Hepzibah-- and he was about to --why, she would've zapped him into an aardvark or something.
But I wouldn't have minded your turning him into Mr.
Nice Guy, but a lovesick adolescent is overdoing it.
I didn't have time for subtleties.
Rowr! HEPZIBAH: We are home.
We are pleased to say we have come to the conclusion that as a lower form of life, some mortals are not without charm.
Sweetheart.
Had you but an ounce of Ernest's exquisite taste, you might be barely tolerable.
Well, if we're playing the truth game, let me tell you something.
For raising your voice to us another demerit.
Another demerit.
Another demerit.
I might as well go for the jackpot.
I want you out of my house.
And your puppy dogs and your servants.
Out.
You may be the almighty of all witches, but to me, you're an almighty pain in the-- Darrin! Uh, he-he-he-- He apo-- Apologizes, Your Majesty.
Apologize.
It is too late for you to apologize.
You have used up your demerits and our patience.
The marriage will be dissolved at midnight.
But-- But-- Go to your room.
"The marriage will be dissolved at midnight.
" Boy, some nerve.
I mean, how could she dissolve our marriage? How? I'd just like to know how.
She could turn you into an ex-husband.
How? I'd just like to know how.
By dissolving you.
Now I know how.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I'll just talk her into drumming me out of the witch world.
Uh, what does that mean? Well, how should I know? Uh, she'll probably recite some mumbo jumbo and zap, I'll be just plain folks.
Then it's none of her business what I do.
And? Well, I don't know.
It's never been done before.
I-- I suppose I'd lose my powers.
Sam, I won't let you do it.
Isn't that what you've always wanted? Yes.
No.
I meanI love you for what you are.
Well, I'd still be what I am.
I-- I just wouldn't have my powers.
But that's a part of you.
And I won't let you give it up.
I won't let anything or anybody change you or dissolve our marriage.
Including the High Priestess Hepzibah.
And I'll get down on my knees if I have to, but I won't stop until she accepts my apology.
Come on.
Ernest.
You are so amusing.
Mr.
Hitchcock.
This is a private audience.
Oh.
Please, forgive me for dropping in unannounced, but I didn't want to lose touch with this lovely lady.
And she's going away, and she won't tell me where she's going.
Isn't it sweet? She'll be leaving for Salem in a few days.
Samantha.
Ah.
Salem is beautiful this time of the year.
Ernest, we are touched by your devotion but, really, we will have so little time to give you.
I'll be staying at the Hawthorne Hotel.
And you? We will be Calling you when we are free.
Good night, beautiful creature.
Good night.
Goodbye.
SAMANTHA: Mr.
Hitchcock.
DARRIN: Bye.
Mortals can sometimes be endearing.
They can grow on one.
Perhaps we have been too rash.
Perhaps we should study the species a while longer before passing any major decision.
The "dissolvement" of the marriage is canceled.
Oh.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
A-and Darrin, uh, can come to Salem? Out of the question.
No mortal.
You mean-- You mean, Ernest is one of us? And Darrin Stephens may come to Salem.
Touché, my dear.
But remember this: There is a vast difference between playing with a mortal and marrying it.
With all due respect, Your Majesty don't knock it till you've tried it.
Prepare the ancestral grounds for our arrival.
Away.
You too, Caesar and Cleopatra.
Now-- Now, now, now, now.
None of that.
Mommy will be along any moment.
Your Majesty, uh, if your arm isn't too tired from waving, uh, we'd certainly appreciate having the house back the way it was.
Nonsense.
It is our gift to you.
Well, Your Majesty, we really don't deserve it.
I mean, after the trouble we've caused you.
Quite right.
Ugh.
Well we will be on our way.
Take care of our Samantha.
We're warning you.
Hepzibah will be watching.
Terrific.
How could she know my mother gave us that? Larry! Sam.
Darrin, heh.
Uh, forgive me for dropping in unannounced, but, uh, I was on my way to the office, and I just dropped by to-- What happened to your redecorating? Uh, well, uh, A-Aunt Hepzibah turned out to be an Indian giver.
When she left, she took Windsor Castle with her.
So we-- We just brought the other stuff down from the attic.
Oh.
Darrin, how did you manage it? Well, we, uh-- We got a couple of moving men, and-- I mean, how did you manage to talk Hitchcock into going to Salem with you? Oh, that.
I'd rather not talk about it, Larry.
Then you tell me, Sam.
The genius is so modest.
Well, all-- All right.
The "genius" said to himself: "What would Larry do if he were in my place?" Good, good.
And when he saw Mr.
Hitchcock making eyes at Hepzibah, well Yeah, yeah? He decided to play matchmaker.
You son of a gun.
What happened to the vase? Well, it, uh-- It broke when we were moving things back.
It's easily replaced.
Hm.
Oh.
Well, I-- I'd better run.
I'm late for an appointment.
Bye-bye.
"Hepzibah will be watching.
" Oh, just one more thing.
If you need me in Salem to help with Hitchcock, feel free.
Oh, well-- Yeah.
Heh-heh.
The vase.
Whatt happened? Well, um I told you it was easily replaced.
Oh.
Uh, just one more thing.
What about the spell on Hitchcock? Oh, i'll fix that.
After ge get back from Salem.
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