Black-ish (2014) s07e02 Episode Script

1 DRE: In America, anyone can serve their country at the highest levels, no matter where you started from.
Blanche Bruce was born a slave, but became a U.
S.
Senator just 10 years after the Civil War.
Honest Abe's first house was smaller than my sneaker closet, but his last house was a little bit bigger.
Jimmy Carter was a peanut farmer.
I'm gonna say it again peanut farmer! And he became President.
And more recently, someone went from making margaritas in Manhattan to making history in Congress.
Anyone can go from the outhouse to the White House, no matter their background.
You just have to have what it takes.
Great news, guys! I'm running for Congress! You mean you're running from Congress.
At first, I wasn't sure I had what it takes, but it turns out a painting I won in a poker game was by Jean-Michel Basqui-something.
So I sold that, and now I definitely have what it takes millions and millions of dollars.
Ahh, I love the smell of democracy in the morning.
Yep, anyone can run damn it.
What's your angle with this? Tax scam? Trying to launch your own TV network? What? There's no angle.
I just feel like this country's given me so much.
It seems like I can take a little more.
Boss, I'd trust anyone whose ancestors pushed someone off the Mayflower.
You already have great name recognition.
Your name's on the wall, my checks, all my business cards.
You support this, Charlie? There's always room for one Black guy in a campaign like this.
Bush had Powell, Trump had Carson, Obama had Obama.
How did you even get on the ballot? I'm a rich White man.
I asked.
Gentlemen, [Sighs.]
I believe it's time for me to go get photographed with an eagle.
[Eagle cries.]
Careful with that bird.
He was a Christmas present from Ted Nugent.
- [Dog barks, eagle cries.]
- Aah! Run, Ginger! [Dog barking.]
[Dog squeals.]
Well, you're never going to believe what Stevens says he's gonna do.
Hunt Josh for sport? Fund a South American coup? De-integrate baseball? Stop calling Inglewood a "basketball neighborhood"? No, he's gonna run for Congress! Oh.
Well, that makes sense.
How does that make sense? It's normal behavior for guys like him when the wiener pills stop working, they try to screw the country.
Problem is White men don't know how to be bored.
That's why they're always opening up vineyards.
Well, he's wasting his time.
As soon as Ronan Farrow gets ahold of that folder labeled "Do not show Ronan Farrow," it's over.
Well, I'm for it.
I'm in favor of anything that brings us closer to society breaking down.
Don't get too excited.
Stevens doesn't stand a chance.
I wouldn't be so sure.
A tall White man with all his original hair? [Laughs.]
He's already got my vote.
Mm-hmm.
Mine too.
I like that he's a bad person.
A politician should be willing to get his hands dirty.
Marion Barry bought crack.
You tellin' me he can't handle the parks department? Guys, you really think Stevens can get elected? Dad, I am totally with you.
What are his chances? He's sexist, out of touch, completely amoral Oh, God.
He's gonna win.
You're probably right, Jack.
I'm Junior.
Uh, sorry.
Kind of been on my own show.
Anyway, money talks, and there's never been more of it in politics.
Thank you, Citizens United.
- That's a soccer team.
- No, it's not.
Oh, sorry, "football" team.
Aww, buddy.
Citizens United was a court case that removed limits on how much corporations can spend on elections.
Mm-hmm.
Makes it harder for regular folks to win.
Sure, it's harder, but grassroots candidates are running all across the country.
People are energized.
When you have ideas and the support of the people, no opponent no matter how much money they have can stop you.
An inspirational candidate can ignite the will of the voters, fulfilling the true promise of democracy.
[Laughs.]
You almost had me there.
"True promise of democracy.
" That's good, Bow.
All right.
Who else wants pizza? You know Stevens has settled eight paternity suits? I didn't even have to dig.
He's on Twitter bragging about it.
Guys, we're dropping McDonald's, Coca-Cola, and Disney.
We've got a new, bigger client moi.
We are gonna make so much money off of me.
First things first.
Josh, purchase me some blue jeans so I look approachable to the lower classes.
I will order something from the Brett Favre collection, sir.
Okay, this is too much.
What do you mean? I don't know what he stands for, and I don't think it should be my job to support his ego trip.
I'm starting to get uncomfortable with all of this.
STEVENS: All right, everybody.
I'm gonna need you all to come with me, especially Dre and Charlie.
Why? [Crowd cheering.]
Okay.
I'm definitely uncomfortable with this.
Come on, Dre.
We got the best seats in the house.
The camera can see us and everything.
STEVENS: I'm a tough business leader.
My opponents are asking, "What does a wealthy man know about the common man?" See for yourselves! MAN: [Gasps.]
Those are the new Favres! I'm very accustomed to dungaree trousers.
Why are these people clapping? He doesn't believe in anything.
This is just a joke to him! The right person can fulfill the true promise of democracy.
Do you think I'm the right person? No, Taylor Swift is.
Of course it's you, Negro! - Do something! - STEVENS: first order of business will be to eliminate taxes on privately owned submarines.
- Yo, Stevens! - [Crowd murmuring.]
You know, I'm really happy for you.
I'mma let you finish, but I'm running.
Andre Johnson is running for Congress! [Crowd booing.]
Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! You're running for Congress? You said it yourself the right person can win.
Yeah, but I was talking about a teacher or a nurse or a stunning anesthesiologist.
What made you think you were the man for the job? Because I'm looking at you right now, and you are not.
JACK: Yeah.
You always say the news should be replaced with another ESPN.
And I stand by that.
But I still understand how real people live better than somebody who's never known what it's like to pay rent.
Isn't that what we want from politicians? Politicians should also read up on what the job is.
Like, um, what district are you running for, Dad? This one? Look, I've been thinking.
All Americans want the same things, right? A life of dignity, where they can provide a future for their children.
There may be different ways to achieve that, but if we hold on to an idea that unites us more than divides us, then we can really start to solve problems.
Now, I've had a little bit to drink, but if I had my eyes closed, I'd have thought that was Obama speaking.
Yeah, a better-looking, smarter Obama.
Ain't that right, baby? I don't know about this, Dre.
Bow, I'm serious.
This is important.
Without honest people in D.
C.
, how can we expect things to get better? And I can't do this on my own.
Be my Michelle.
Tell us who you're wearing! Who am I wearing? My own label, of course.
Hey, Jay and Bey! Aw, you guys left Blue Ivy at my house, and now she doesn't want to leave.
[Laughs.]
Can we get a comment on the tragic death of your husband by barbecue-induced heart explosion? It's a sad day for our family, but a bright day for America because I am now president.
And I'll also be my own Surgeon General.
Let's do this! Yes, we can, Dre.
Oh, yes, we can.
Great! Can I be your campaign manager? I know all about the election process.
I even read "No Stoppin' the Populace" by George Stephanopoulos.
Just hire him.
Fine.
My family had my back, and I was ready to get to work.
Junior surprised everybody by setting up a call with Stacey Abrams.
[Computer beeps.]
Hello, Dre.
I'm so happy to be talking to you today about mail-in voting.
What? I thought we were talking about my campaign.
I may have lied to both of you, but since we're here and the data's free, I don't see why we both can't get what we want out of this call.
Okay, look, Stacey Abrams, I'm running for Congress.
I want to change the system, but I'm not sure where to start.
Running for office is a lot of work, mostly fundraising.
To beat the big money you're up against, you'll need community support.
Knock on doors, talk at churches and union meetings.
And that'll be enough? Oh, definitely not.
So I can't imagine you pulling it off.
I was looking for more of a pep talk.
Um you've lost weight? Well, thank you, Stacey Abrams.
Wait a second.
How would you know? We just met.
I don't need to know you to tell you that we need everyone to vote early.
The important thing is making sure your voice is heard this November.
Oh, that is not a problem for him.
He is a very loud man.
Don't you embarrass me in front of Stacey Abrams, boy! Hey, Stacey Abrams, can I get an endorsement? Sorry, Georgia earthquake.
Rumble, rumble, rumble, rumble.
B-Best of luck.
[Sam & Dave's "Hold on, I'm Comin'" plays.]
After getting Stacey Abrams' implicit endorsement, I decided to follow her advice and hit the streets.
Now, don't you ever feel sad Look at the cute little, wittle baby with the - Lean on me - Ow! When times get bad - When the day come - [Gasps.]
- And you're down - [Locks clicking.]
In a river of trouble [Doorbell rings.]
- You about to drown - Hi, neighbor.
I'm Janine Greenstein.
I just wanted to talk to you about - [Both grunt.]
- Ohh! Dre Johnson for Congress.
- Hold on - Huh.
- I'm comin' - That kind of worked.
Get up, Janine.
We've got 30 more houses to hit.
JANINE: [Weakly.]
I landed on a cactus.
Look, I'm not afraid to answer that question, Desus and Mero.
When I'm in office, my term is going to be about making the tough calls.
So here we go garlic Parmesan, Cajun, and number one is lemon pepper.
Hold up, my guy! Buffalo doesn't even crack the top three in your wing ranking? Are you serious? Nope.
Not for me.
I'm losing my mind right now.
I respect that.
That's bold.
But are you a ranch or are you a bleu cheese kind of dude? Um Say bleu cheese, you'll look like an elitist.
If you say ranch, the voters will know you're pandering.
How are you gonna get out of this one, Dad? You know, I get both.
I like to dip the drumettes in the ranch and the flats in the bleu.
Much like America, I believe in a blending of flavors.
Yes! Hold on Spoken like a true man of the people, Dre.
You got my vote, man.
I got to vote for him, as well.
[Audience cheers.]
Then the hologram of Biggie hugs the hologram of Tupac.
Then they both introduce Kendrick Lamar, who introduces me.
Do we have the budget for that? We have the budget for a poster! [Chuckles.]
Well, well, well if it isn't my enemy.
I notice you've been making some headway, but I've got just the thing for that.
ANNOUNCER: Andre Johnson has over a hundred pairs of shoes.
What's he running from? Can we trust a man who still lives with his parents? Face it Andre Johnson is out of his depth.
And he can't even swim.
Paid for by the powerful friends of Leslie Stevens.
[Eagle cries.]
Outstanding! Notes, anybody? Can we make it race-baitier? We'll save the race-baiting stuff for social-media pudding.
- You can't air that.
- Thank you.
Not until you switch the last photo to black and white and slow-zoom on his mouth to make him look scarier.
Whose side are you on? I'm on the side of becoming Secretary of Transportation.
Gonna finally get my Celica out the pound.
You know what? I refuse to respond to this.
I've got integrity.
When you go low, I go high.
Great.
While you go high, we'll be going to my $20,000-a-plate fundraising dinner.
My campaign will have made enough money to crush you by the time they serve the koala steaks.
JUNIOR: Okay.
So, the next time I get you a radio interview, try not to say, "Does anyone still listen to this?" MAN: Psst! Yo, bro.
Charlie? Is that you? Look, man, they told you, if you're gonna sleep in the car, it has to be your own.
Hey, man.
You're Dre Johnson, right? I'm a huge fan.
Look, I heard through the grapevine and I have not been bugging your phone that your campaign could use some funding, and it just so happens I've got a check with your name written all over it, dogg.
- Who are you? - Come on, man.
Why does that matter? I'm just a friend a friend with some money.
Where's this money coming from? [Chuckling.]
Where's this money coming from? C'mon, Dre, you got so many questions.
It's all good, baby.
This is just one stranger speaking to another stranger in a garage about funding his campaign with a bunch of money.
Why you gotta be so weird about this? Unh-unh.
No one ever gives you something for nothing.
Learned that the hard way when I took a couch off the curb and it was full of earwigs.
So, what's the catch? There's no catch.
I just want to help.
You take some money, do some evil, next thing you know, you're in Congress.
Did you just say "do some evil"? Why would I say "do some evil" if I really wanted you to do some evil, dogg? I do want you to do evil, though.
But why would I say that? That's weird.
C'mon, man.
- I'm good.
- All right, all right, all right.
Here, take my card.
Give me a call if you change your mind.
We can do some evil.
Guy didn't even get into a car.
Just went right back into the shadows.
Hello.
I'm calling from the Andre Johnson for Congress campa Uh, well, that's not a very nice thing to say to a child.
I have your phone number.
You think I don't have your address? My dad's running for Congress.
Can we have some money? Oh, so if I send you 50 bucks, you'll send back 100? That's a great deal.
And how is the fish prepared? Yum.
Let me get two orders.
Yeah, you can charge it to the campaign.
There he is! Good news, Dre.
Well, I need it.
Some shady dude just tried to bribe me.
Well, you're not gonna need his money 'cause drum roll, please today, we raised almost $600.
$600? That's not even enough for our campaign mailers.
And, actually, that was the good news.
Because there's bad news, too.
Stevens just dropped this.
Andre Johnson's running for Congress? [Laughs.]
Andre Johnson, not I, crashed my Toyota Celica through the window of a doughnut shop.
He does not follow the five-second rule.
You sold me out, son? So if I dropped a hot dog right now, you're not gonna eat it? I probably would.
Look, maybe a lot of people won't see that Stevens ad.
- [Plane engine whirring.]
- Well, they'll probably see this.
Smart.
It's not technically slander if it's written as a question.
DRE: I was starting to realize it was going to take more than my beliefs to get into Washington.
Without money, I was in trouble.
STEVENS: preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States, so help me God.
Time's up, Canada.
[Alarm blaring.]
[Gasps.]
[Laughs evilly.]
[Gasping.]
[Laughs evilly.]
Nooooooo! [Gasps.]
[Whimpering.]
[Cellphone beeps.]
Hey, I've thought about your offer, and I'm in.
Ooh, this is Dre Johnson.
Please give me dirty money.
If I'd learned anything, it's that I needed to go all-in to beat Stevens.
Here it is.
JUNIOR: Leslie Stevens thinks you're too old to vote.
Why else hasn't he come out against a maximum voting age? Maybe it's because he supports them.
Leslie Stevens wrong for Grandpa, Grandma, and America.
I'm Andre Johnson, and I approve this message.
Riling up the elderly for personal gain?! I've never been more proud, son.
It's running during every local news broadcast.
What happened to "When they go low, we go high"? That attitude is for losers.
Michelle Obama said it.
And how many elections has she won? What about the issues you said you cared about? I haven't forgotten dignity and all that crap.
It's just first things first.
Ugh.
I can call him a sellout, right? Guys, I know it's not a good look, but you've got to trust me.
This money is just a means to an end, and it'll all be worth it when I beat Stevens and save a grateful nation.
Next up, is your home toxic? Unh-unh! Put that local news back on.
I want to know what the silent killer is lurking under my sink.
ODIN: Drizzy Dre.
Looking like $9,457.
78 in that suit we bought you.
That's very specific.
I got a speech for you to read, my man.
I've already got a speech.
- Does it begin "My fellow Americans"? - Yeah.
Well, then it's basically the same speech.
Trust me, it's the least you could do for us, Dre, after we paid for your ads, this rally.
Come on, baby, we're looking out for you.
Now, look, the new speech will be up on the teleprompter.
- You can read, right? - Of course I can.
Look at you, just breaking down stereotypes.
I told you he could read.
C'mon, Dre, let's get out there and kill 'em.
ANNOUNCER: Your next congressperson, Andre Johnson! Hold on - I'm comin' - [Cheers and applause.]
I'm on my way My fellow Americans, I stand before you today to promise that when I'm elected, I will sponsor legislation to help the working people of this country, everyday people like you.
Thus I promise to vote to slash taxes on business, provide subsidies to clean tobacco [Crowd murmuring.]
Teleprompter man, can you scroll down a little? I, Andre Johnson, will end the tyranny of national parks, militarize the fire department? What is this? [Crowd murmuring.]
[Sighs.]
I can't do this.
Look, when you have to take millions from private interests just to run, there's no way principles can come first.
- Even an honest man doesn't stand a chance.
- Damn.
His integrity's back.
Let's shut it down, guys.
- The system is set up so that - Could have had it all, Dre.
Do you know how hard it was for me to find a jacket in a 48 Short? That was made by children, working all night maskless.
And it's not about whether you're a Democrat or a Republican.
Money corrupts the best of us.
I know.
I'm the best, and it corrupted me.
It did! Huh? People, we need to reduce corporate influence on politics, stop unlimited money in campaigns, and keep track of where funds are coming from.
You can take my stage.
- [Crowd gasping.]
- Mm.
You can take the clothes off my back.
But you will never take my voice.
[Feedback.]
Hmm.
[All gasp.]
- Mm.
- Aah! [Giggles.]
I'm sorry you all had to see me in my shame.
And people wonder why I never come home anymore.
Guess I blew my chances at Congress, but at least I stood up for what I believe in.
Oh, babe.
You didn't do that at all.
[Whispering.]
It's Stacey Abrams.
Just checking in to see how it went.
Great, great.
I mean, I stood up for what I believed in, and then everyone saw my nuggets, but otherwise great.
- What? - [Sighs.]
An average guy like me doesn't stand a shot against big money.
It's true.
The campaign with the most money wins most of the time.
But there are passionate people who have dedicated their lives to making change.
They're the ones who are gonna break through and beat the system.
It's David versus Goliath.
But never forget, in that story, David wins.
DRE: Stacey Abrams was right.
The odds may seem long, but with regular folks like teachers and activists and mechanics and librarians getting into politics and fighting for the common person, we can look forward to a future where our government actually looks like America.
Should I keep up the fight like Stacey Abrams? Uh, it hasn't been great.
You're wearing a trash bag.
Half a trash bag.
I can't turn around.
My God, please don't turn around.
And it appears business owner Leslie Stevens loses by one point to unhinged billionaire Thad Hearst-Kennedy, who outspent Stevens 10 to 1.
We did it.
Together, we will rise up and reinforce the system.
It's disgraceful that someone with more money can just waltz in on a lark and buy his way into power.
What kind of country is this anymore? If we hadn't just renounced our citizenship for tax purposes, I would be horrified.
Hmm!