Comic Book Men s07e02 Episode Script

1 You guys are in charge of updating "Dracula", and the producers of this new "Dracula" movie are like, "We need a new animal for Dracula to turn into.
We don't to associate Dracula with a bat no more.
" I think people would be like, "Dracula is associated with a bat?" - [LAUGHTER.]
- What do you got, Ming? Let's say Dracula turns into a dragon now.
Like, people are into Like way into dragons now.
- Ooh! - It does kung fu, breathes fire.
Oh, my God! Flies around, like, you know, sets the villagers on fire.
- I love it.
- Hey, how about this shark.
I love that, too! 'Cause no one's gonna expect a vampire to be swimming around, right? - You've seen him fly! - Yeah! FLANAGAN: I'm just questioning, though.
Let's say Dracula's fighting Van Helsing.
He's, like, high on in his castle.
He has to turn into an animal to get away.
It's an underwater castle, right? [LAUGHTER.]
All right, Mike.
What do you got? I'm going all-American.
He turns into an eagle.
- That's brilliant.
- Majestic.
He's coming over here.
He's the ultimate immigrant.
Well, now our national symbol is associated with a murdering monster.
[LAUGHTER.]
[LAUGHTER.]
- Help! - Help! Help! Hello, and welcome back to another episode of "Comic Book Men"! The only show that broadcasts right-side up in the upside-down.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Okay, man, tell me some "Stranger Things" have been happening in the store this week.
- How you doing? - Hi, guys.
I got something I guarantee you you have never seen before.
It's a Linda Blair "Exorcist" doll.
- Oh, man! - Hi, boys! I don't feel so good.
I feel like "The Exorcist" wouldn't have been as scary if that was her voice during the possession.
I didn't know that they made "Exorcist" merchandise.
Me, neither.
Yeah, I think this is actually was was a custom-made, um, item, yeah.
Oh! Okay.
This So, this may be like a one-of-a-kind kind of deal.
Yeah, I-I've never seen another one.
I found it in my worldly travels of antiquing, then I was just like, "Okay.
Let's see if I can handle this thing in my house.
" Obviously, I'm failing at that.
You got too scared? I'm I'm man enough to admit that this things s-scares me.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Those eyes.
Like, imagine it-it's dark out and, like, the moonlight hits it just the right way.
I-I-I expect this thing to get up and start talking to me.
Take me home, Ming.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Stop! "The Exorcist" was one of those movies that, as a young Catholic, we were not allowed to go see it.
FLANAGAN: That scene with the crucifix Is it the most shocking scene that you've ever seen? The little girl with the crucifix doing the nasty.
That was, like, the worst thing a human being could do, and it was terrifying.
As a student in a Catholic school, did you ever rebel and and say to yourself, "Well, I'll do something with a crucifix.
" Sit on it, maybe? [LAUGHTER.]
- This'll show 'em! - [LAUGHTER.]
How good of a ventriloquist are you? I'm terrible.
I can't I can't do it.
- Really? - Give it a shot.
Go ahead.
I don't know.
Let me see what you got.
Just relax your lips.
Okay.
Go.
Go to hell, Walter.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Go to hell.
JOHNSON: Look at his eyes.
It's He's scarier than the Linda Blair ventriloquist dummy right now.
- It's unbelievable.
- [LAUGHTER.]
All right, let me see you, man.
Let me see how you how you do.
[DEEP VOICE.]
It's a lovely day for an exorcism.
- He's like, "Ar!" - [LAUGHTER.]
"Let's take it to the high seas!" - So, you're looking to sell it, huh? - Yes.
There's always a market for custom-made products, right? - Yeah.
- It's a one of a kind.
It's unique.
This would be nice on the shelf.
It would definitely be a, you know, a conversation-starter.
JOHNSON: Yeah, I'd say so.
What are you looking to get for it? I'd like to just at least get back what I put into it, so I'd like to get like $300 for it.
$300, huh? Would you take $100? Would you do $200? I couldn't go that high.
I could do $150, but if you can't do $150, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let her walk.
Or let you carry her out.
[LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, you said the magic words right there.
I-I don't want it, so, all right, deal.
- $150? - $150.
All right, done.
$150.
All right.
Thank you very much.
- All right, man.
- Thank you.
She's your demon now.
FLANAGAN: You want to do it now? Yeah, let's do it.
Hey, Ming.
You think we forget it's your birthday? You remember no one's said anything all morning.
Get back here.
Come on back here.
- Happy birthday, Ming.
- Happy birthday, man! Thought we'd forget? I need ya to sit in that chair.
Great, n-now what? Just you wait.
Yeah.
We're ready.
Come on in.
Okay.
JOHNSON: This is, like, set up like a mob hit.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- I-I-I know.
What now? - I need you to watch that door - Okay.
'cause your birthday present is about to walk right through it.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Any second.
Nightmare at the Stash! - [LAUGHS EVILLY.]
- Huh? Huh? I see you! You got me Freddy Krueger for my birthday? Happy birthday! [LAUGHTER.]
Well, seeing as how it's your birthday, I, uh, have a little something here.
- Happy birthday, bitch.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Nightmare at the Stash! [LAUGHS EVILLY.]
You got me Freddy Krueger for my birthday? Are you kidding me? Robert Englund came into the store? You know, you you say that they don't like you and they're always picking on you, but that's an amazing gift! I-I-I know like, I know these guys have a reputation for always dumping on me, making my life a living hell.
- Just, like, you know - It's a not a reputation.
SMITH: It's just fact.
[LAUGHTER.]
[STAMMERS.]
Hello! - [LAUGHTER.]
- I Yes, better use this hand.
I-I Okay, yeah.
It's I-I-I don't want to get this one shredded.
H-How How? What? These guys.
They made a phone call.
I can't believe you're here! I didn't see "A Nightmare on Elm Street" in the theater when it came out.
I-I saw it out later on when I was in high school.
Like, it was the first horror movie I ever saw.
I-I was at a sleepover, and I was like, I was like, "Okay, I'm old enough.
I can handle this.
" And it turns out, I couldn't.
JOHNSON: Please tell me you called your parents and had to go home.
[LAUGHTER.]
Absolutely, you're his favorite horror icon.
- Well, it's what those guys said on the phone, - Yeah.
Absolutely.
Forget all those other guys.
And I figured, you know, it's your birthday, you know, and so, happy birthday, Ming.
Too bad it's your last.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Sweet! What's it like being a horror icon? I mean, forget Jason.
Forget all those other guys.
Like mo-most of them don't even talk! Well, you know what, when I started in in in the franchise, we still got the crappy table in the commissary at the studio.
We were all back by the kitchen, you know, with the swinging doors.
For a while, the horror people and the sci-fi people didn't get any respect.
Now they run the town.
So, we were all kind of kind of treated a little bit shabby for a while.
We got the last laugh, obviously, you know.
They called the New Line Cinema "The House Freddy Built" after a couple of years.
- [CHATTER.]
- Yeah, no doubt.
Freddy Krueger, I think, really worked and captured people's imaginations because it wasn't just the unstoppable guy that you shot and he would get back up and try to slash you.
This wasn't a slasher movie like we'd become accustomed to in the '80s.
This was psychological.
This was, like, you can't escape this thing.
It's happening in your head, and if you die in your dream, you die.
It's a scary concept to introduce to people, and people love being scared.
They pay for the privilege of that.
That includes wet dreams, too.
[LAUGHTER.]
FLANAGAN: Did you take any inspiration before you took on the role of Freddy? My inspiration for Freddy was, uh, Klaus Kinski had just done "Nosferatu".
He really echoed the original.
He had a posture.
He'd thrust his head forward, and he brought his hand up to here a lot 'cause he knew the nails looked cool in a medium close up.
And I borrowed that.
The other crazy influence, I really set him wide, a little bit.
Like Jimmy Cagney.
I'm not a tall guy, but an actor that stands like this, if they film you right, you get a bit of a hero posture going.
I even used a little bit of old theatre Bob Fosse.
Asymmetrical choreography you'd see on Broadway in "Chicago" or something.
But after the first week with this thing on all the time, I dropped this shoulder, and I caught myself in one of the big makeup mirrors like this, and I went, "Robert, that looks kind of cool.
"What does that remind me of? "Oh! Gun fighter!" It's Freddy Krueger.
It's the posture, Ming.
- Ooh! - Fast draw! - Freddy Krueger! - [LAUGHTER.]
Well, seeing as how it's your birthday, I, uh, have a little something here.
Happy birthday, bitch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Open it! Okay, I mean, you didn't You didn't have to bring me anything, but but, uh - Oh! - Oh, man! I want to offer something for sale for you guys.
Oh, my God.
They're exquisite.
Who is more intelligent, me or my stock boy, Ming Chen? - Hey, guys.
- How are you? What can we do for you today? I want to offer something for sale.
Oh, my God.
I've got my 1963 original mint Marx Universal Monsters.
Oh, my God.
Yeah! I love the Universal Monsters.
The Phantom of the Opera.
Gill Man.
The Hunchback.
The Mummy.
The Wolf Man.
And the original OG monster, man, Frankenstein.
Oh, man.
They're exquisite.
These were made in 1963.
This was before G.
I.
Joe.
This was the action figure back then, and it was they were great! You sound like you're a monster lover.
Yeah, I do love the monsters.
These were the movies back then.
I mean, for God sakes "Creature from the Black Lagoon".
This was a really a low-budget movie, and it was fantastic! I mean I-I-I have an affinity for the monsters, too, but to say that they were great, those movies? They're so boring.
Yeah, but you got to remember, you're one of those people that likes You like your gore, you like your Leatherfaces, you like, you know, you like that torture porn I don't need it.
Remember back in the day when this was enough? Like, you're turn this way.
You don't know I'm coming.
Right.
[HORROR MUSIC PLAYS.]
Aah! That was enough! I know you love the Universal Monsters and believe there'll always be a place for them.
You know, I, like the rest of the world, feel like [LAUGHS.]
we've moved on.
Same way we've moved on from, like, "The Beverly Hillbillies".
Or or radio.
- You know? - [LAUGHTER.]
So, how'd you get 'em? You know, between a couple comic cons, some online stuff, I was able to find them.
You were able to acquire a full set.
- And that's a full set, right? - That's the full set.
There's the the big daddy's missing out of this set.
- Where is - Dracula.
- Where is he? - You don't have him? They They It was never made.
Which begs the question Why didn't Marx include Dracula in this line? Been trying to figure that one out.
Why didn't they make Dracula? Were they made at him? I have to think it was a different reason than being mad at Dracula.
Why would you leave Dracula out? - And put the Phantom in.
- Of all characters! So, like, if you're gonna drop out Dracula, at least replace him with, like, "Well, here's Cthulhu.
" But instead, you're like, "Uh, here's that one from that musical your grandma loves.
" And don't forget the Hunchback was in that line, too.
That's right.
And you could make the argument he's not a monster! - [LAUGHTER.]
- He's a victim! [LAUGHTER.]
These are high-grade figures.
I can't believe you're possibly here to sell them.
Why? I need to raise a little cash for the steampunk convention.
- Steampunk? - Steampunk.
Basically, what it is is it's, uh, Victorian science fiction.
We We We dress up, and, like, all the stuff is basically out of a Jules Verne novel.
Oh.
Wow.
Um, I-I don't get it.
I-I-I truly can't imagine a-a situation where I would ever cast aside my monsters.
- Do what you're doing.
- [LAUGHTER.]
In favor of steampunk? It's almost like you don't even deserve them.
I-I feel like, uh - I should confiscate 'em.
- [LAUGHTER.]
What do you want for 'em? Because I don't think they I don't think you should you deserve to take them home.
Today, this set you'd take the set off my hands today for 500 bucks.
- 500 bucks?! - 500 bucks.
I'll tell you what I can do.
Because I love 'em, I'm gonna offer you $225.
Can't.
I can't let it go for that price.
It's the best I can do, man.
Would you take that? Would you take that offer if you had these? Well, you know what? I would never sell 'em.
I don't care how low I was or what family member needed something, you know, an operation or pay the rent, you know.
I'd be like, "Hey, you go out and get on food stamps or something.
- I'm keepin' my monsters.
" - I think we're good, then.
JOHNSON: It's best you collect your monsters and your dignity and move on.
- Appreciate it, though.
- All right.
- Thank you very much.
- Have a good day.
CHEN: Who are we contacting? We should contact a legend Bob Kane.
Oh! Cut the cake! - Whoa! - [LAUGHS.]
I heard a story that you were roommates with Mark Hamill before "Star Wars".
You were supposed to go and audition for Han Solo, and you convinced him to come, and ENGLUND: Um, no.
I auditioned for "Apocalypse Now", and they looked at me.
And they brought me across the hall from the "Apocalypse" casting office to the George Lucas casting office.
They were still looking for Han Solo then older.
They originally, I think, had offered it to Tom Selleck.
They wanted to be, like, an old a cool, old uncle.
And I go in there, and, like, this is it.
I'm out of there.
They take a Polaroid of me.
I just struck out on two movies, which turned out to be two the greatest movies of the '70s, but I while I was in there, I saw the sides for Luke Skywalker for the audition.
And I get back in my car, and I-I go up to my place in Laurel Canyon.
And there's Mark on my couch, and he's watching "Mary Tyler Moore".
And, uh, I said, "You know, Mark, I-I just was up for a George Lucas film for a second.
" And I said, "I think this might be some way in your bailiwick.
You know, you might be right for it in your wheelhouse.
" And Mark got on the phone.
I remember Mark got on the phone and got the audition, and the rest is history.
FLANAGAN: Hey! What's up, man? - I'm back again.
Stu.
- Stu! - Yes, nice to see you again.
- How you been? I've been very well.
Thank you.
I-I have another thing for you to consider.
It's a Ouija [WE-GEE.]
Or a Ouija, [WE-JAH.]
depending on your point of view A mystifying oracle from 1972.
Walt, um, you showed such amazing psychic powers last time I was here.
I suspect you might believe in ESP.
Your suspicions would be correct.
I think it's a green circle, bitch.
- Okay.
- Oh! - [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh! You know, in addition to selling, uh, the vintage board game, I-I figured this would be a chance for you to further show your psychic ability.
So, last year, I, uh, blew a customer's mind by, uh with some of my mind powers, um, on a game he brought in.
And he returned to see if, uh, he could disprove my abilities by bringing in a Ouija board.
Do you know how to play the Ouija game? You basically just have two people put their fingers on the side, and you ask it questions.
And it will direct to the correct answer.
We would have to ask a question to somebody who's departed this plane - Yes.
Yes.
- Of existence.
Who's crossed over to the other side.
- Yes.
- Who are we contacting? You have to pick someone.
We should contact a comic book creator.
- Okay.
- A legend.
Bob Kane.
Creator of Batman.
Good choice.
What's your question gonna be for the dearly departed Bob Kane? Can we ask him something about us? Yeah.
Can we ask, you know, who's smarter me or Walt? - Okay.
You ready? - Yes.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS.]
Bob Oh, sorry.
- Mr.
Kane.
Mr.
Kane.
Who is more intelligent Me, the manager of the Stash, or my stock boy, Ming Chen? "M" - "A"? - "A" - "N" - "N" "A" "G" "E" "R".
What does that spell? - "Manager"! - Oh! - There you go! How are you smarter than him if you don't know what it spells? You're gonna open the door to Hell just to ask a very obvious-answered question? Oh, is it that obvious? Yeah, because one of you believes this thing works.
[LAUGHTER.]
STU: Well, you know, Walt, you-you've done such a good job contacting Bob Kane today, you can have this for the price of $60.
I'm gonna give you a number.
Okay, you're gonna give me a number.
- Through the board.
- Through the board? Okay.
- $18.
- $18? - 18 bucks.
- 18 happens to be my lucky number.
- I will take $18.
- Is it really? - Yes, it is.
- $18, it is.
- There you go.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Have a great day, you guys.
See you later, Stu.
It's your birthday.
I, uh, have a little something here.
Happy birthday, bitch.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh! This is a-an Anders Eriksen glove.
This guy does the best work of anybody.
I love his gloves, and they they're They've got some nice weight to 'em, too.
- Can I put it on? - Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Wow! Your your own claw! JOHNSON: He's speechless.
High five.
There we go.
I-I feel the power already.
You feel the power? Yeah.
Think this will get him laid tonight in Red Bank? - Nah.
- It'll take more than that.
This is my favorite quote regarding the weapon.
"This is God!" - Thank you! Wow! - All right.
My pleasure.
- You got to put the sweater on, though, man.
- Yeah, to complete the look.
- Then complete the ensemble.
A Freddy glove and a Freddy sweater.
- That's actually kinda sweet.
- Yeah.
To do that.
SMITH: That's truly an affectionate gift right there - because no glove, no love.
- It really is.
[LAUGHTER.]
Excuse me, boys.
- Aww! - Happy birthday, Ming! Happy birthday.
See you in your dreams.
Really wish I had gone with "Happy Birthday, bitch", but [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah.
Cut the cake! - Whoa! - [LAUGHTER.]
There I gave you the "dreams" piece.
Oh! God only knows where these blades have been.
[LAUGHTER.]
Oh, and just like that, this nightmare is about to end, ladies and gentlemen.
For "Comic Book Men", I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
On the count of three, boys.
One, two, three.
One, two, Freddy's coming for you Goodnight.