DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s07e02 Episode Script

Any chance of getting this thing running again? The simplicity of the thermosiphon cooling is sheer elegance.
The capitalist dictate of constant improvement often pushes us past the pinnacle of achievement into inferior products.
And this is your brain off of drugs? Hey, don't weed-shame me.
I know stuff.
Okay, so is that a yes? Because soon enough, someone's gonna see that J.
Edgar Hoover's missing and the timeline's gonna start changing.
If I can find some water, yes.
Oh! Uh, Gary, can you check the back seat for some water please? I think I saw something under Hoover's coat.
Please don't mention his name.
This guy's giving me terrible indigestion.
That's probably all the cigars.
Ugh.
Or all the bigotry.
Oh! Uh, we've got some soda.
Does that work? - We'll find out.
- Oh, how about this? A radio.
Oh, we can pick up some newscasts.
The lovely and lethal Bullet Blondes remain at large, last seen driving east on the Bankhead Highway.
Caution advised.
They are considered armed and dangerous.
Huh, I can't believe the name stuck.
Yeah, and they didn't mention Hoover, which means they think he's still alive.
Yeah.
Well, he's not.
Wha Hey.
What's up? We've gotten out of tighter spots than this.
Have we? Mick's gone.
Astra's down for the count.
Zari is nursing a broken heart in a pocket dimension, - and I killed J.
Edgar Hoover.
- And it was an accident.
And it could have happened to any man of steel.
That's not funny.
I spent my whole life studying history and making sure it's preserved and passed on.
By killing Hoover, I personally messed up the entire 20th century.
- Look, we're gonna fix it, okay? - Are we? Because without Gideon or the ship, there's no way you can guarantee that.
- Nate, you are spinning.
- I murdered a man, Sara.
And for the first time in our lives, we have to accept that that could be permanent.
- Okay, look - Uh, wife? Nate? We got a big problem.
Hoover was supposed to be on a train to New York from Midland this afternoon.
If he's not there, the whole timeline's screwed.
No, it won't be.
Nate, history needs saving, and you are just the man to do it.
So long as the world thinks that Hoover is still alive, then the timeline remains on track.
No, no, no.
I know what you're thinking.
No, there's no way I can impersonate Hoover all the way to New York.
I could barely do it in some Podunk Texas town.
- Gary! - Huh? Can you do some kind of spell and make him look like Hoover? Uh, technically, yes.
But, um I'd need some of Hoover's spit or fingernails Or hair.
We're mobile, people.
Well, good.
Because J.
Edgar Hoover has a train to catch.
I did a spell to resurrect a machine.
I don't know what this is.
I'd recognize that smug little smile anywhere.
It is Gideon.
She doesn't look like a machine.
Well, not a machine exactly, Mami.
A computer who speaks.
Usually.
Hello, computer.
Well, on the upside, looks like you got your magic working again.
My magic is clearly garbage.
Stop that.
She's still Gideon though, right? What's two plus two? There you go.
Wow, computers are are very exciting.
Uh sorry.
- Is it ready? - Not yet.
It needs to fully ferment.
This is just the primary stage.
Okay, well, we need to come up with some kind of distraction or something, because that train leaves in five minutes, and Hoover needs to be on it.
And to the public eye, he will be.
Look, because they're not gonna be looking at him.
- No.
They - What are you doing? Are going to be looking at the most wanted women in America.
What? Oh, I'm not sure about this.
Just follow my lead.
Come on.
My safe word is core competency.
Coming through here.
Look out, we got the Bullet Blondes.
This isn't the last you're gonna hear of the Bullet Blondes.
That's right, coppers.
Who you calling the cops? We're the Bureau of Investigation.
That's right, and J.
Edgar Hoover always gets his man.
Or woman.
Or gender non-conforming individual.
I need four extra tickets for my associates.
Are those the Bullet Blondes? Well, we're not a pair of canceled stamps.
Pleasure.
Mr.
Hoover, let me find some seats for you and your men.
Our most secure cabin is the honeymoon suite.
In the name of J.
Edgar Hoover, I'm commandeering this cabin.
Oh, no.
No need to commandeer.
We don't want to spoil your honeymoon.
Spoil? Phonus balonus.
Well, after them Palmer raids, we'd be proud to help out a patriot like Mr.
Hoover.
- Squeeze on by here.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations, best wishes.
Whew.
That was close.
Can you please take these off now? What are the Palmer raids? After World War I, America was freaking out about Communism, so Hoover and the DOJ arrested thousands of immigrants, union workers, anything that smelled like organized labor.
Real champion of civil liberties.
Oh, he pretty much codified racial bias into our judicial system.
Okay, look, morally, he's repulsive.
Historically, however, he's one of the most important men of the 20th century.
He founded the FBI.
He ran it till he died.
Yeah, well, great men aren't usually good guys, so.
And that is our cue to disappear.
Oh, B, key me.
The key.
Time Bureau manual and some honeymoon chocolates.
Say hi to Z for me.
Capi-tans, hey.
Are we home yet? How did your bank robbery go? Did we find out who blew up the Waverider yet or no? Am I talking too much? Am I talking not too much? - I think she's a little high.
- I'd say very.
We're still in 1925.
And now, we are on a train.
What? Where are we going? But really where is anybody really going? You okay, Z? I thought you didn't partake.
No, no, no.
I know, but you see I found myself on a journey.
And that journey is with these tiny, little bears.
And I'm going on that journey a la carte.
A la carte.
"Allah" carte.
Okay.
Well, we'll be upstairs.
Yeah, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to come and find us.
Actually, hesitate a little.
Oh, hesitate a lot.
Ew, that's gross, moms.
Hey, maybe we won't even need that potion.
We just hide out in the cabin.
You in there, Speed? - Speed? - That was Hoover's nickname.
Only his closest friends call him that.
It's Francis Baker.
Junior, of course.
Oh, the GW boys are gonna go wild when I tell them I saw you.
- Gary, potion.
- Uh, it's frothing and ready.
All right.
How long does the spell last? Uh, it depends upon your metabolism.
Could be an hour.
Could be 24.
Hey, it sounds like Hoover was a supreme douche.
You really sure you want to be him? I have to clean up my mess, B.
No, but wait.
Wait.
Don't drink it in front of us.
- Did it work? - We don't know.
Since you drank it in front of us, we'll only know if the magic works when someone else sees you.
Oh, for the love of This is silly.
Let me see your face.
Edgar.
There's that handsome look.
Let me buy you lunch, Speed.
The oysters here give Old Ebbitt's a run for their money.
Director of the Bureau of Investigation at 29.
Speed indeed.
I think you fellows will be more comfortable elsewhere.
Yeah.
Sure.
More comfortable.
Ew.
No thank you.
She made a little doll.
I wish the Legends would just get back already.
They would know exactly what to do with her and her creepy outsider apple art.
They can't find this Dr.
Davies guy soon enough.
Oh.
Gideon! Great.
Now she's broken.
Hey.
You okay? Yeah.
Why? Oh, man.
Are you mad that we're honeymooning in your house, after everything that happened with John or Shh.
Aves, I love you.
I love you both.
I love your love.
I love that you're loving each other right now, even if that love is happening directly above me while I eat sugar foam.
Okay.
Well, if you ever want to talk or anything, just come find No, seriously.
I am A-okay.
I am golden.
You know what? Just just hear me out, Z.
No judgment, okay? I'm just I think you and Behrad are very different people, and I think that maybe your coping mechanisms might not be the same as his coping mechanisms.
You know, honestly, I'm not sure that I'm doing this stoned thing correctly, because I either feel, like, very hungry or tired, all of the time.
That can't be it, can it? Can that be it? I don't know.
You're a doer though.
You know? You're like me.
Oh, it's true.
I love a project.
You love a project.
Let's find you a project.
Ooh, cleaning.
Cleaning.
That's a good one.
I ought to clean this place.
I'ma clean this place.
Clean the John vibes.
Yes.
Yes! That's my girl.
You know, at minimum, it will give me an excuse to leave this room, because you guys are very loud.
What? Come on.
We're not loud.
Core competency.
Boop.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
So tell me.
Is there a Mrs.
Hoover? Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm married to my job.
Oh, well, let me give you my card, in case you and your job ever get divorced.
My purse.
It's gone.
Never fear, madam.
You have the nation's finest detective at your service.
Should we round up the usual suspects? Those are my men.
No one is leaving this car, till we get that purse back.
- Oh! - Now, what was in your purse? Jewelry? Money? Anything of note? Hmm.
My calling card, my comb, and one of those delightful pastries from the breakfast cart.
You never know when you might get a flash of the grumblies.
Goldie! I believe this is what you are looking for.
- Huzzah! - Thank you, Mr.
Hoover.
- Hip-hip! - Hooray! - Thank you.
- Hip-hip! Hooray.
Um Well, I must get back to work.
If only all of the bad guys was easy to catch as Goldie here.
Marvelous seeing you, Francis Baker, Junior, of course.
Okay.
It's working.
They're buying it.
Yeah, they're buying that Gary and I are petty thieves, 'cause of our looks.
I'm trying to be as authentically Hoover as possible.
I wouldn't mind a little less authenticity.
- You understand - Hey, whoa.
Why don't we go back to Plan A? - Hunkering.
- You're right.
We should play it safe, till we get to New York.
- Director Hoover, thank God.
- We just got word from HQ.
There's a plot afoot to kidnap you.
We need to get you off this train.
Give me a minute.
I'm sure we can find a way to get to New York that doesn't involve - Hoover cosplay or kidnapping - Listen.
The real J.
Edgar Hoover was never kidnapped.
- So he must have solved this.
- No.
This is getting way too out of control.
I mean, I'm sure we can fix this with a do-over.
What if there's no more do-overs? What if this is it? We owe it to history to make it right.
Gentlemen, this sounds like a case for the Bureau of Investigation.
Has she had anything to drink? She doesn't need anything to drink.
She's not a person.
I may not know what a computer is, but I know a heartbeat.
And you made that, Astra.
You are not only a very powerful witch.
You're also a mother now.
- I am nobody's mother.
- Dang.
Now, what will the team do with a human Gideon? Probably just give her Rory's old room.
There's always space for one more with the Legends.
And where are your Legends now, anyway? They went to New York, to meet this time travel guy.
Once they find him, they're gonna come get us.
Okay.
I'm no expert, but seems to me, if you have a machine that can travel through time, wouldn't you just go back to right after the moment you left? I mean, unless It didn't work.
- What was the word from HQ? - Not a lot of detail.
The Dallas field office intercepted a telegram.
"Hoover on tren, northbond".
"Train" and "northbound" are both misspelled.
- So he's a foreigner.
- Or a bad speller.
Men in Little Rock are gonna alert D.
C.
Plan to have agents at every station along the route.
Good.
Mr.
Hoover says we're looking for a foreigner.
- I didn't say that.
- Stay put in here, Mr.
Hoover.
We'll turn this train upside-down, till we find our man.
Hoover doesn't run an investigation from behind.
All right.
All we got to go on is this telegram, which doesn't give us a motive or a means.
But its timing does narrow down the list of possible suspects.
Donovan, Rodgers.
Get me a list of all the passengers that got on this train since Midland.
Go.
On it, sir.
The three of us are gonna start at the front of the train, and we're gonna work our way back.
We're looking for anyone who has a reason to hurt Hoover.
Who would possibly want to hurt that guy? "Please" would have been nice.
Is there anyone on this train you may suspect of having anti-government sentiment? Anti-government? The government is the only thing keeping this country from going to the dogs.
Have you heard anyone talk about anarchy or socialism? Well, that depends.
Would you call a working wage socialism? Then yeah.
I'd say we're all talking about it.
Lovely to see America by train car.
Be a lot lovelier if I wasn't being spied on by a bunch of dicks.
- By "dick" do you mean cop? - Hmm.
Well, you think someone on this train is a ne'er-do-well? Well, good luck pulling one over on America's finest law man.
That's very nice of you.
Hoover? That man is cursed.
You have no idea.
Hoover? Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Ugh, tell me about it.
Everybody on this train loves Hoover.
Yeah, everybody with first-class tickets.
The people we talked to would be happy to kill "Hoover".
If we're looking for motive, we got it.
Lots of it.
Yeah, which is as good as finding none at all.
We're switching this investigation away from the "why" and onto the "how".
And with agents in every city, it'll be pretty hard pulling off a kidnapping in any of the stations.
They'd get caught immediately.
Or congratulated.
But if you could get the train off the main route No one would be guarding the track.
And if you can redirect the train, you have control of the train.
Ooh! Ooh! Inside job.
- Inside job.
- Inside job.
Director Hoover, meet Igor Lewandowski.
Train's engineer.
A Russian and a labor organizer.
He wasn't scheduled to work today, but had a change of heart.
Joined the crew back in Midland.
Awfully convenient.
- Did he confess? - He won't say diddly, but he's our guy.
I'm sure of it.
Trust you can get the confession we need.
Do your worst, boss.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Very sad party of one happening here.
Doesn't matter.
Zen in ten, here I come.
Starting with the fridge.
See, even I know you don't keep whiskey in the fridge.
- Aves.
- Hi, Z.
How many bottles of whiskey are there on the table? Um, two.
Two! The fridge is making whiskey.
What? That's fantastic.
- The Waverider.
- Yeah? I guess it's kind of like the Waverider.
Although the fridge doesn't take requests like Gideon.
No, no, no, this bottle this bottle is the Waverider.
And this bottle is the mystery Waverider that blew us up.
So if there's two Waveriders, who's to say there isn't third Waverider? And a fourth.
It will never end.
Oh, I get it.
You're still really stoned.
So so, let's say we go back and stop the mystery Waverider from blowing us up.
That's great.
But that Waverider came from somewhere.
Which means if one showed up, then another one could.
And another, and another, and another.
Okay.
Wait.
Let's just slow this train down.
Take this.
Remember this? Here.
Grab this.
Hi, hi, hi.
Look, squirt.
Squirt, squirt.
Squirt and wipe! Squirt and wipe, and the gummies are gonna wear off, and then you're gonna be feeling the natural high of a job well done.
Look.
Show me.
Show me.
I'm watching.
- Aves, I - Squirt and wipe.
You got this.
You got this.
You can be mean.
You can be mean as hell.
He's all ready for you, sir.
Good.
Uh, "sir", quick word? How are you gonna swing this, Nate? I don't know.
I don't want to hurt the guy, but No way, man.
Look, those two agents are expecting Hoover.
They have all the evidence they need.
That's more than enough.
It's not enough.
I need a confession.
Look, Nate, I know you feel like this is the end of the world, but you're just a good guy who made a bad mistake.
What was the alternative? Let him kill you? You're worth a thousand Hoovers.
By comparison to Hoover, I am nobody in the timeline.
Come on, Nate.
You know that's not true.
You've gotta forgive yourself.
This isn't about me.
So what are we gonna do? You ever hear the one about the black lady, the brown lady, and the broken computer who walked into a bar, in 1925? - Uh, no.
- Yeah.
Because it would never happen.
Let's face it.
There's nothing we can do.
The Legends are on their own.
Great.
More decapitated apple heads.
I think she's trying to tell us something, Astra.
An apple a day.
Easy as apple pie.
Don't put all your apples in one box.
- That is not a thing.
- Okay.
It's six apples in a box, off the table, on the floor.
Thank you, Dr.
Seuss.
It's clearly apple Sauce.
Okay, you know what enough? Just stop trying to tell us things.
I wish I could just shove you back in the wires, and the sockets, or whatever makes you work on the Waverider, because then maybe you could actually help us.
So why are you so mad at Gideon? She hasn't done anything to you.
Because she's a constant reminder of my giant failure.
That's why you don't want to go after the Legends.
- I'm useless to them, Spooner.
- You made one mistake, Astra.
Ease up on yourself.
At least you still have magic.
Hey, you have things to offer too.
Like what? Without aliens, what do I bring to the table? - Ranch wear? - Okay.
You know what? I guess we're both pretty useless.
You mean the three of us are What is that? Gideon, no! Gideon? Why did you do that? Wires and sockets.
She understood you.
Hey, Z.
Can Sara and I grab one of those bottles of - whiskey? - Oh, hey, girl.
Hey, buddy.
Uh, what did we talk about? More cleaning.
No more gummies, yeah? Oh, no.
I'm not stoned.
I'm enlightened.
See, I finally realize why John gave me this key.
To clear my head and think about the bigger picture.
See, I was so focused on my phones, and skincare sales, and romantic entanglements that I never stopped to think about what was really going on with the team.
- The team.
Our team? - Yeah.
See, without those distractions I was able to dig deep and really think about how we got here.
So I read your Time Bureau agent manual earlier.
What? That thing's over 200 pages.
Yeah, and I started thinking, it's not about the how they blew us up.
It's about the who.
I made a list of suspects.
Do you want to see? - Um, yes.
Yes I do.
- Great.
Time to spill the beans, Lewandowski.
What'd you say? Please, you're making a mistake.
I'm making a mistake? I'm making a mistake! Get out.
Out! No, no, no.
Please.
Sounds like he's really putting the screws on him.
Let me know if he needs backup.
I gotta take a leak.
Don't do this, Nate.
Ah! Ahh! - Ahh! - What are you doing? I'm trying to tell you that you don't Have to tell me Anything you don't want to, because I will find the answers I want some other way, okay? This is even worse than last time.
I've interrogated you before? Of course you don't remember.
You and your men came after me and my family, and hundreds of others on your manhunt for Emma Goldman, back in 1919.
I knew nothing about her, but because of your Red Scare, no one believed me.
My wife and children had to flee, and your men beat me for being Russian.
I lost everything, because of you! I'm sorry, Igor.
That makes total sense why you were planning on kidnapping me.
Me? I try to stay as far away from you as possible.
But when you're looking for enemies, that's all you see.
Makes it easy to miss what's going on right in front of you.
Where'd those mountains go? That's what I'm trying to tell you.
Somebody switched tracks 15 miles back.
Igor, thank you, Igor.
I'll untie you in a minute.
Grab him! Jig is up, Hoover.
Get over here.
It's kind of silly, huh? Put on the right kind of suit, and you can fool anybody you want.
Even America's best detective.
Pretty dumb pulling a gun on a Bureau agent.
You think you're the smart guy here? If you hadn't made such a stink back in Midland, we never would have known you were on this train.
Funny thing is we've been trying to pinch you for months.
Snorky's offering a nice chunk of cash to whoever brings you in first.
Snorky.
Snorky-Snorky? Who the heck is Snorky? These guys work for Al Capone.
Come out with your hands up, Hoover.
So do all of them.
You got two minutes! I ain't got all day, Edgar! Come out, or we start popping passengers.
Oh, we can totally take these guys.
No.
Without Gideon it's hard to keep track of the timeline, but Hoover wasn't killed by mobsters, right? So don't we have to fight? In the real timeline, none of this happened.
And the world still thinks I'm Hoover.
I'm gonna have to make this right.
Come on.
Well, congratulations.
You got me.
Who are you? Damn it.
Give the multiverse a low probability.
- I mean what even is a paragon? - Mm-hmm.
I think we are onto something very important here, Z.
Me too, Aves.
Okay, so who's left on our villains list? Damien Darhk.
Loves us way too much to kill us I think.
Mm-hmm.
Mallus.
Malice? Whatever.
Big Beebo aww, David Bowie.
You know, he got that really great song out of us.
- Yeah.
it was very catchy.
- Yeah.
Let's put him in the "maybe" pile.
Okay.
What about those guys, over there? Ah, these guys over here.
We got time pirates.
Time wraiths.
Time witches.
Clones.
Doppelgangers.
Ourselves.
Time itself.
Okay.
Let's call that the "why the hell not" pile.
Copy that.
Oh.
And then there's this one.
I mean that's too out there, right? Zari, we've been chased by a demon dog.
Who's to say that we're not being hunted by - Sara! Ava! - Is that Guys? Hello? Anybody.
Hello? We got a Hoover-shaped Nate problem.
- That does not sound good.
- Guys? Hate to cut it short, but we could really use some backup out here.
Yeah, Nate's been kidnapped by Al Capone's men.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
We need to find a way to stop this with zero casualties.
What, with weed gummies and magic booze? - Yes.
- Yes? I ain't gonna ask you again.
We got Hoover.
Not some nobody clown.
You're right, I am a nobody.
But I'm a nobody who killed J.
Edgar Hoover.
- Killed? - Yeah.
I'm surprised to bring in the head of the Bureau of Investigation.
Instead, I got Mr.
Nobody.
This is not the plan.
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Oh, Snorky's gonna pop me, for sure.
That doesn't seem fair.
I mean, how could you have known the guy you were supposed to kidnap ended up getting killed? Some things are outside of your control.
I could just bump you off and mess your face up real good.
Pass you off as Hoover's body.
You could do that.
May work, for a while, but you can't outrun the lie forever.
Eventually, you just end up hurting the people you care about.
Sometimes, it's easier just to face the music and accept the fact that you made a mistake.
Hey, take a deep breath with me.
Come on.
Now, repeat after me.
I forgive myself.
- I forgive myself.
- There! Now, don't you feel better? - No.
- Oh.
But that makes me feel better.
- You all right there, big guy? - Better now.
Hoover's death must have been quite the shock, so we brought you a little something to soothe your grieving souls.
And there's plenty more where that came from.
Oh, never-ending, one could say.
Holy smokes.
The Bullet Blondes? The big fellow loves you gals.
I would like to formally apologize for how I treated you both.
And I would like to ask for a do-over.
- Already done.
- My man.
Your photographs don't do you justice.
That's a lot of company, for the middle of nowhere.
Boys.
Ladies.
Another Hoover? Thought you said you killed him.
I I did.
Okay.
Two Waveriders and two Hoovers.
That cannot be a coincidence.
Is it me, or does he look even more pissed off now? We're kidnapping you.
And I'm arresting you.
In fact, you're all under arrest.
Over our dead bodies! Maybe we should just skedaddle right over here.
- Yeah? - Everybody, take cover! Ah! Get in there.
Come on, move it.
Go! We can't let Hoover die again.
Don't think we need to worry about that.
Ah! Ugh! Jeez, ah! Whoa, whoa! Whoa, slow.
Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait Guys, this is out of control.
The timeline's at serious risk of changing.
What are you doing? Oh! Come on.
Oh, no.
Did we kill him again? There's no blood.
Whoa.
That dude is tough.
I don't even think he is a dude.
I think he's a Robot.
What are the chances? Wait, so robots blow up the Waverider? J.
Edgar Hoover, a robot.
That explains a lot.
I ate a robot? - Shh.
- Sorry, stomach, and small intestine, and small stomach, and Gary, shush.
Shush.
You did not eat a robot.
You ate the real Hoover.
This this must be his replacement.
You guys, what what is he doing? Rebooting himself? Self-destruct sequence initiated.
20 seconds.
Um, guys, I don't think that yeah.
We gotta go! Come on.
Let's go.
Move it.
Oh, I hope Spooner and Astra are okay.
They're probably having the chillest time at Gloria's right now.
Come on, come on, come on, come on! Hey, Gideon.
Hey I'm sorry.
I'm so used to the old you.
The one who always had all the answers.
I never thought you'd be the one needing help from us.
Do you think we could try again? I wish we could figure out a way to communicate with her.
I mean, she's obviously trying.
Amor, you'll find a way.
You always did.
Esperanza, you didn't speak until you were six years old.
I don't remember that.
You communicated with me in other ways.
We always understood each other, you and I, even if we weren't using words.
You would come over and hug me or hold my hand.
Your little touch, it made me feel heard.
It's your gift, Esperanza.
Gracias, Mami.
I know this must be tough for you.
I get it.
And it must be really hard when no one understands what you're trying to tell them.
And I hope you know that you're not useless.
You're just figuring it out.
I'm terrified.
How did I even get here? I'm so lost.
Why can't they understand me? I can hear her.
I can hear Gideon's thoughts.
She's scared.
- What's she saying? - Hey, it's okay.
Gideon, I'm right here.
Just breathe and focus.
Dr.
Davies' machine in New York City.
Time travel experiment takes place November 7th.
She's saying Dr.
Davies' time travel experiment will take place in New York City, on November 7, 1925.
- That's two weeks from today.
- Precisely, Captain.
She's back! That's fantastic.
The plan's gonna work.
Two weeks.
Maybe that explains why they're not back yet.
But we have to get to Dr.
Davies first, or the Legends will die.
Or maybe that's why.
Pack up that ranch wear.
We've got some Legends to save.