Grace and Frankie (2015) s07e02 Episode Script

1 Well, I don't know ♪ Why I came here tonight ♪ Got the feeling ♪ That something ain't right ♪ I'm so scared ♪ In case I fall off my chair ♪ And I'm wondering ♪ How I'll get down the stairs ♪ And there's clowns to the left of me ♪ Jokers to the right, here I am ♪ Stuck in the middle with you ♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪ [MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
[MAN ON TV.]
The seals alert each other when - [ROBERT.]
What's happening? - [SOL.]
I don't know.
Don't look.
Just keep watching the orcas eat the baby seal.
I'm sorry I doubted you, Mrs.
Skolka.
Please.
I'm sorry you came out here for nothing.
Nothing? What about all the stuff they found for me? I'm going to pretend we didn't find any of that.
No one at headquarters will believe that much marijuana is for one woman's personal use.
You're right.
Best not to brag.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Thank you again for your cooperation.
I hope we won't have to come by and bother you again.
Goodbye, Mr.
Hanson.
Mr.
Bergstein.
- Oh.
- Are you leaving? We hadn't noticed, as we'd been riveted by these delightful sea creatures.
All our coral reefs are dying.
Alrighty.
Thank God.
I thought they'd never leave.
I know.
Take a hint, Rushmore.
Ask me out or get off the pot.
Glad you find this all so amusing.
Perhaps I would too if I hadn't had your contraband down my pants for the last two hours like Papillon.
I can't believe you blackmailed us into being co-conspirators.
Don't be so dramatic.
At most, the two of you were duped accomplices.
Well, now we're out of the gang.
And we want the rest of that money out of our house.
We can't bring it here.
You heard Karin.
They could come back.
Find someplace else to put it.
Our contractor is inspecting the house today.
I won't have another innocent bystander get mixed up with your dirty money.
Hey, we don't know that money's dirty.
Could have been in the couch when Nick bought it.
Or maybe a gift for a rainy day from his pappy.
[ROBERT.]
Oh, sure.
The money you found in the couch that I just hid in my pants is definitely clean.
Fine.
I'll get the money.
What? You've decided not to go to that thing? We're not gonna talk about that thing.
Especially in front of these two things.
What's the thing? It's a private thing that Grace has to do, but she doesn't wanna talk about it.
I don't know that Grace has to do that thing.
But isn't today's thing a really big thing? Oh, for heaven's sakes, will you just tell us already? You know in half a second this one is gonna forget what all the things are.
I still have my wits about me, Richard.
Will you just tell us what the damn thing is? [MALLORY.]
No, I'm pumped.
Okay, we're both pumped.
Thanks, Taneth.
Love you.
Shit.
Bye.
That was Taneth.
Really? And how's the inside of her butt today? I'm going to ignore your negativity, as I have for most of my life, because I have to No, I get to plan her big visit down here next week.
Oh, no.
She's already coming to check up on you? Yikes.
Not "yikes.
" She's just excited to see all the great changes I'm making around here.
What changes? For starters, I'm replacing all the junk food in our kitchen with healthy snacks.
Why would you do that? Junk food and my cleavage are all these sad sacks have.
You think I wanna flaunt this bod? I do it for the people.
The people will love this once they see their lower cholesterol.
Have you met Randy in marketing? He isn't going to eat your kale chips.
He has a small jar of mayonnaise on his keychain.
We're making fun changes too.
There'll be a yoga retreat and plant-based Taco Tuesdays, and I'm turning the supply closet into a meditation room.
No one wants to meditate next to the men's bathroom, particularly on Tuesdays after your bean tacos.
I'm sorry you hate everything I'm doing here.
But there's a new sheriff in town.
You have to get used to being her deputy.
Or I could tell Taneth her new sheriff doesn't know what the fuck she's doing.
I know what the fuck I'm doing, and right now I'm kicking you out of my office.
The thing you're not going to is your husband's arraignment? That is cold.
Ice-cold.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
The man was living a double life.
Sound familiar? But facing a hearing like that without any emotional support? That's a heartbreaker.
In fairness to Grace, she wanted to break his heart before he got arrested.
You were gonna break up with Nick? Have you seen the man's hair? While I don't share Robert's obsession with Nick's hair Does anybody care about how I feel about all this? He also has a very sensuous mouth.
It does look bad for a wife to not show up at an arraignment.
If the judge is teetering on granting bail, that could push him or her over the edge.
So when is she supposed to break up with him? After he's released from prison? Grace is old.
She can't wait that long.
So Nick has to face hard time with a broken heart and a beautiful face? Will you stop already? As mad as you are, do you want it on your conscience if he doesn't get bail? No.
But if I go, I'm gonna go off on him.
That's not gonna be good for him either.
All you have to do is sit there and not say anything.
Like we just did for you with the FBI.
You know, Grace, 90% of life is showing up and keeping your mouth shut.
- How have you lived this long? - Hmm? Okay, you win.
I will go and I will play the supportive wife.
I won't say anything.
And if you're finished butting into my life, I'm gonna go change for court.
Oh, shit.
All the clothes I brought are dirty, and everything else is sealed off in the penthouse.
Another thing I have to thank my jailbird husband for.
Don't worry, I'll lend you some clothes.
I just need to know how much you wanna showcase that caboose.
Hi.
What's all this? I'm moving in until I figure out how to bring Mallory down or that tyrant moves to San Francisco.
[EXCLAIMS, THEN GRUNTS.]
Okay, I hate to quibble when you're upset, but Chewbacca probably shouldn't live next to Greedo, who tried to shoot Chewbacca's BFF, Han Solo.
Just But you know what? Stranger peace accords have happened in the Empire.
If my fan fiction is to be believed.
Jesus, Barry, it's freezing in here.
Glad you noticed.
Not to brag, but because of a pipe situation, this is the coldest office in the building.
We hate the cold.
That's why we set the thermostat to "Saigon in July.
" Yeah.
I love a swampy heat.
Good, 'cause I'm texting Adam right now to get some space heaters in here pronto.
You eating kale chips? Yeah.
Found them in the kitchen.
So good.
Robert and Sol are such squares.
One measly FBI search and now we can't keep the money here.
Well, you know, there is a way to hide money without hiding it.
You mean, "lose it"? I mean, lose it in a legitimate business.
I do that all the time.
The other day I lost my purse at Whole Foods.
I'm talking money laundering, dear.
You get some cash and you put it in a pizza parlor, or Joan-Margaret's Fluff and Fold, where we neither fluffed nor folded.
- And that works? - Sure.
But if it doesn't, just start an electrical fire and the rest takes care of itself.
If you're a cop, you have to tell me you're a cop.
Mrs.
Bergstein? It's me, Joshie Steinmetz, Coyote's old friend.
Oh, Joshie! - Hey.
- Oh! - What are you doing here? - I'm Robert and Sol's contractor.
I thought I'd, you know, get here early, take a look around.
Ugh.
What are you doing here? You know, what people do in other people's houses.
Oh, this is my friend Joan-Margaret.
I've known Joshie since he was in fourth grade.
Yeah.
Frankie was the mom I wish I had.
She's like a mother to me as well.
- [JOSHIE.]
Hmm.
- Look at you.
A bigtime contractor.
I guess I'm doing a little better than the last time you saw me, huh? I believe you were doing whippits with Coyote in my kimono.
- Yeah, thanks for being cool about that.
- [FRANKIE CHUCKLES.]
And for letting me keep the kimono.
It's the least I could do.
You're like family to us.
That's why I'm giving Sol the family discount.
Well, thank Thanos! Robert told us the cheap bastards at their insurance company refused to pay a dime.
This is why you always go with the electrical fire.
Yeah, but, uh, the insurance company did offer to pay.
- What? They did? - Mm-hm.
Why didn't they take the money? Well, maybe they didn't want their premium to go up? Hmm.
I have been blaming the wrong cheap bastards.
Okay, so then you'll hear the charges against you and Think I should try her again? Or maybe she'd pick up if you called.
Do you want me to call your wife or get you out on bail? The bail thing.
Okay, great.
So when the judge asks for your plea, just say, "Not guilty.
" It sounds simple, but you'd be amazed at how many people screw that part up.
Got it.
But I am gonna be getting bail today, right? I think so.
Though there is a bit of a backlash against rich white guys these days.
So unfair.
Our justice system is a travesty, and I will work tirelessly to make it equal for all.
Oh, Grace.
I'm here.
I am so glad to see you.
Hi, I'm Elena Seda.
It is so good you came.
You look beautiful in All my clothes are in the penthouse-slash-crime scene, and I can't get in.
It was either this or what my friend calls, "Mardi Gras in a skirt.
" I can make some calls to get you back in the penthouse.
Anything I can do for a member of Team Nick.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- You have every right to be mad.
This is true.
But you have to know how sorry I am.
I would never, ever willingly hurt you.
And yet I'm sure you have a lot you want to get off your chest.
- Nope, I'm good.
- Please say something.
We need to talk.
I can't walk in there not knowing where we stand.
This should probably be a post-arraignment chat, Nick.
I'm afraid if we wait till then, we'll be talking through bulletproof glass.
Please? Okay.
Let's talk.
You really think the boys would lie just to save on their premium? I would but Robert and Sol? Sure.
This way they could guilt us into free room and board for months.
Well, I'm gonna grift those grifters out of my house.
You know I love a reverse-grift.
Well, what's the move here? Oh, man.
This place is riddled with mold.
[MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC PLAYING.]
Joshie.
I need you to do me a little favor.
- You were gonna leave me? - No.
Well, I don't know.
I wanted to leave the marriage, but not necessarily you.
I was hoping we could find a way to redefine our relationship.
That sounds like another way of saying you were leaving me.
Isn't there a way that we could be together without necessarily being together in the same house? This is so you can live with Frankie.
That's part of it.
So in this scenario, what? We'd go back to dating? Well, is that so terrible? We were happier then.
You were happier then.
I like being married.
And strangely, the idea of dating my wife doesn't work for me.
Yeah, well, I understand that, but being a wife [SIGHS.]
doesn't work for me.
The judge is ready.
It's showtime, folks.
The floors alone are gonna take What are you still doing here? I ran into Joshie, we got to gabbing, and guess what? Great news.
Turns out the repairs are not gonna take as long as he thought.
Isn't that great? Right, Joshie? - Um, I - [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
If that's the feds, I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna sing like a canary.
Sorry.
Why isn't it gonna take so long? Go on, tell them, son.
Remember, I love you.
Uh, yeah.
Uh, I guess that the damage [CLEARS THROAT.]
The damage to the house isn't as bad as it seems.
My God, what happened here? We had a little flooding.
A little? This is Pompeii after the volcano.
This is Dresden.
This is the 2011 Oscars.
Please tell us, in the shortest number of words, what you want.
No need to get snippy just because your house is awful.
You insisted, as the theater's biggest benefactor, you had to be involved in all crucial decisions.
Today is Crucial Decision Day.
Peter, this isn't a good time.
I can come back.
No, you can't.
I'm more than happy to pick the next musical out alone.
I'm leaning towards Xanadu.
Oh! Good Lord.
Sol, we paid $20,000 for the Rob Hanson Concession Stand.
The only way I can justify that is if I get to play Sky Masterson.
Go.
Take it outside.
I'm actually glad you brought up the concession stand.
Turns out we need money to buy the concessions and money to pay someone to sell the concessions.
Are you seriously asking for another donation? I don't know, Sky.
Am I? Why can't you be one of those skeezy directors with a casting couch? Oh, I am.
Now, this concession stand, I'm assuming it's a cash-based business? I see you got the space heaters.
It's cozy, right? You bet.
This way I can crunch the numbers with a nice sweaty back.
- What the fuck? - What? What happened? He's melted.
I was worried about Greedo.
I should've been worried about you.
I am so sorry.
I swear I will buy you another I wanna say space dog.
I've had Chewbacca since I was a kid.
He's irreplaceable.
- I know I hurt your toy - My toy? It was an accident.
Why are you so angry? Because I like my cold office and I like my weird, little things.
You can't just barge in here because you're having some stupid power struggle with your sister! Okay, it's not stupid.
What kind of loser loses to Mallory? Okay.
You wanna know a little secret, hm? Here we go.
I'm a loser.
That's not a secret.
Sorry, low-hanging fruit.
The secret is I'm a loser and I'm proud of it.
Yeah.
You wanna know why I let you win every argument, even when you're verifiably wrong? For instance, Bill Pullman was not in Good Will Hunting.
- He should have been.
- Obviously.
- Thank you.
- See? I go along with you because people are happy when they're getting their way.
And when people are happy, they're easier to be around.
- I do appreciate being pandered to.
- I know.
But I'm not like you.
- I'm a win-or-die bitch.
- I understand.
You're probably right.
- You're doing it again, aren't you? - I am if you think I am.
Okay, I can't be someone who doesn't win.
But you do win.
By losing.
And what has this winning by losing gotten you? I mean, you work for Mallory, for chrissake.
It got me you.
[TENDER MUSIC PLAYING.]
Wow, your lips are so sweaty.
They're the least sweaty thing on my body.
Now that you've heard the charges against you, Mr.
Skolka, it's time for your plea.
How do you plead? My plea is We went over this.
It's just two words.
"Not guilty.
" It's not hard.
My plea.
Is that what you want? My plea? [JUDGE.]
I believe that's why I asked.
Uh Your Honor I am pleading for my wife to give me another chance.
Oh, my God.
Two damn words.
I was looking more for a plea regarding the charges of securities fraud and tax evasion.
Your Honor, this is more important.
Grace, I know I haven't always been the best husband, but I'm standing here, facing the possibility of years in prison and all I can think about is losing you.
Mr.
Skolka, I do appreciate your commitment to your marriage, but She doesn't.
That's not true.
Then why did you break up with me right before we came in here? You broke up with him before an arraignment? I didn't break up with him.
I told him I wanted to redefine our relationship.
- Does anyone here know what that means? - I do.
- I don't.
- I'm asexual.
- I do have one question.
- Yes, Your Honor.
No, not for you.
Is there anything Mr.
Skolka can do to win you back? [COURTROOM MURMURING.]
I'm confused.
You said it would take months to fix the house.
What about all the mold? A little mold can be good.
That's how that guy discovered penicillin.
Exactly.
Seriously, Sol, we're trying to save lives here.
What's going on? Oh, man, I could really go for a whippit right now.
Tell me the truth, son.
Did Frankie put you up to this? Remember, I have always been there for you.
Even when you locked yourself in the bathroom because your acne cream backfired.
But who took you to see all those scary R-rated movies? And who stayed up with you all night after you watched those scary movies? - And who is ? - Stop! Stop! This is like when the social worker asked me who I wanted to live with.
It's neither of you.
I wanna live with Aunt Carol.
I really don't see the relevance of that.
Once you've been married, how can you go back to dating? Mrs.
Skolka, it doesn't make sense.
Can we please go back to the whole tax-evasion thing? Your Honor, relationships are fluid.
When you're in the orgy tent at Burning Man, you see there are many different ways to love someone.
Whose lawyer are you? And all I'm saying is, a marriage is worth fighting for.
Well, just because I'm not fighting for our marriage doesn't mean that I'm not fighting for our relationship.
Why am I suddenly on trial? Why aren't you asking him why he isn't willing to change? Mr.
Skolka, why aren't you willing to change? I don't know.
But I do know I don't wanna lose you.
Well, then don't.
I just wanna try another way for us to be together.
Grace I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
However you need our life to be.
We can do anything we want.
Neither of us has kids.
I've got a jet.
So okay.
I'm willing to try.
Do you mean that? I am under oath.
Excuse me, Mr.
Skolka.
You have a jet? - Oh, shit.
- Not guilty, Your Honor.
Ah.
Now I get a plea.
Unfortunately, because of the jet, you are a flight risk.
Bail is denied.
How could you do that to Joshie? Me? You were putting the squeeze on him too.
You really want us out of the beach house that badly? This morning Robert had your money in his pants.
You lied to us.
No, we lied to the FBI.
For you.
On the dune when you two first showed up, Robert said that your insurance company wouldn't pay.
That was bullshit.
What Robert said was true, but he only told you half the truth.
They wouldn't pay us unless we let them go after you and Grace.
We're not taking advantage of you.
We were trying to protect you.
Why didn't you just tell us that from the beginning? We didn't want you to feel worse about the house getting ruined.
And, to be honest, we thought that the four of us were at a point where we have each other's backs.
Well, okay, now I feel like absolute shit.
Good.
I'm sorry I doubted you like that.
I'm sorry if we overstayed our welcome by staying that one night.
You're forgiven.
You can stay as long as you need.
Friends? Family.
For life.
[TENDER MUSIC PLAYING.]
We should call Joshie to apologize, make sure he's okay.
Sweet kid, but, boy, he really cracks like a nut.
Good news, theater lovers.
We are doing Guys and Dolls.
Congratulations.
And Joan-Margaret has graciously agreed to take care of the concession stand.
I love it when a plan comes together and you don't have to burn everything to the ground.
- Did you come to yell at me? - I wasn't planning on it.
You're the only one.
Turns out everyone hates my ideas.
Randy has barricaded himself in his office and his list of demands includes a bucket of jerky.
I think I know how to fix this.
Why would you fix it? Because I want you to win.
No, you don't.
Admit it, you're enjoying seeing me fail.
Normally, I would Okay, I super am.
But I'm trying this Barry thing.
Look, you need to blame this all on me in front of everyone.
No.
No.
I should take the blame.
You really don't know anything about being a boss.
Here, this is what you need to say.
[MALLORY.]
Mm-hm.
I don't think women should call other women that word.
Don't be a dumb bitch.
You have to show them who's in charge.
And that's you.
I'm gonna go internalize this.
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
Don't worry, I can supervise things from here.
I can't believe they're locking me up over one little jet.
Maybe it won't be so bad.
Martha Stewart made a lot of friends.
Maybe jail can be the start of us redefining our relationship.
Certainly my relationship with freedom.
[TENDER MUSIC PLAYING.]
I knew I was gonna win today.
This way, sir.
[FRANKIE.]
Let me get this straight: You broke up, he's back in jail, and you two are all good.
I don't know if I'd say "all good," but it was a pretty romantic arraignment.
This is really what you want? You know, I have never seen Nick the way he was today.
He risked everything so I'd give him another chance.
I think I owe him that chance.
I don't think you owe him anything.
Well, maybe I owe it to myself, then.
I have to admit, even though I don't wanna be married to him, - I still love the crook.
- I get it.
There are a lot of guys I'm attracted to that I don't want to be married to.
Mick Jagger, Bill Nye, Deadpool.
Frankie, what is this? Joan-Margaret found a brilliant way to launder our money.
Please tell me it has nothing to do with candy.
I cannot tell you that.
["I WANT CANDY" PLAYING.]
[GRACE GROANS.]
I can't tell you about that either.
[SIGHS.]
I want candy ♪ I want candy ♪ I want candy ♪ I want candy ♪ Go to see him when the sun goes down ♪ Ain't no finer boy in town ♪ You're my guy ♪ You're what the doctor ordered ♪ So sweet, you make my mouth water ♪ Hey ♪