It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s07e02 Episode Script

Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Hey! Burn, burn! Burn! Yeah, cool.
What are you guys burning? Bunch of garbage and burns the tar that's just taking up space.
No, goddamn it! Wait, Frank, why are you burning our photo album pictures? What do you mean? Because it's trash.
You kidding me? Oh, my God! Dude, these are all the pictures from our Jersey Shore vacations.
You were gonna burn these? Yeah.
These were, like, the happiest days of our lives.
Oh, come on, Jersey Shore sucked.
The Shore didn't suck, Frank.
You sucked, okay? You just complained the whole time and ruined it for everyone else.
Yeah, because I had to do all the work.
I never got to relax.
I would love to go on a vacation.
Oh, my God, me, too.
I would love to go on a vacation.
Yeah, but not to the Jersey Shore, though.
I mean, that place sounds like a nightmare.
What's wrong with the Jersey Shore? Come on.
You've seen that TV show.
It's just a bunch of sweaty Guidos getting hopped up on energy drinks and giving each other diseases.
Yeah, no, the Jersey Shore is nothing like that.
It's a magical place where people swim in the ocean and they get to ride on fun rides and they get to have their first kiss.
Dude, you would love it.
Well, hang on a second.
I've never seen the ocean.
I could get into that if you guys want to go down to the Shore.
Aw, yes! Yes! We should all go to the Shore together.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe I'll knock myself out and we'll head down to the Shore.
Yeah, but I feel like you're just gonna screw it up if you try and knock yourself out.
Yeah, you're probably gonna come to halfway there, and then complain the rest of the time.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
Why don't I take the rag, I'll get the chloroform, I'll get you when you least expect it.
All right, sweet.
Yeah? Yeah! Goin' down to the Jersey Shore! Yeah, going to the Shore, baby! Now, this ocean, explain it to me.
It's, like, it goes on forever? Go to sleep, go to sleep.
So, I woke up, like, halfway there, and then you just snuffed me out again, huh, Mac? Oh, this place turned into a major shithole.
It does not look exactly the way I remember it looking.
No, no, it's different, it's different.
The guy at the front desk said there was meth lab explosion, so the hotel burned down.
They had to rebuild it.
Something like that.
There's a smell, too, like Don't sweat it, you guys.
Listen, with any luck at all, we won't be spending any time here, so just think of it more like a locker.
Yes! I'm sorry, is no one gonna talk about Dee's hair? Oh, I was waiting to pounce.
I just didn't know what our cue was.
Yeah, I was waiting for Dennis to jump on top of it.
And then we were gonna slay her.
Yeah.
No, no.
It's fine.
All the cool girls get their hair braided at the Shore.
I think she looks like Bo Derek.
Thank you, Dennis.
Mm-hmm.
You see, Dee and I have some very fond memories of the Shore.
We're not gonna have you sullying those great memories with all your goddamn insults.
Mm-mm.
Are you drinking sunscreen? No, no, it's a decoy.
We're drinking tequila out of sunscreen bottles.
Very strict open container laws here at the Jersey Shore.
Cheers.
Holy shit! Is that the ocean?! Yep.
Yeah, buddy, that's the ocean.
What's on the other side of it there? Europe.
Yeah.
Now, how long would it take? Do not try and swim to Europe.
No.
Don't swim to Europe? Do not.
As a matter of fact, why don't you stick with Dee and I because we can show you the ropes here at the Jersey Shore.
All right, everybody, you know what time it is! Let's go strut the beach.
Not strutting shit.
No beach strutting for me.
I'm gonna find a place to relax and unwind.
Frank, I'm with you.
Yeah.
Why don't you grab us some booze? I'll go down to the beach and get us some prime real estate before those gorilla dickheads get down there.
Yeah.
Gonna relax.
Let's do it! Let's get out of here.
Oh, man, this ocean breeze feels so good on my scalp.
Yeah, it feels awesome.
The sand feels good beneath my feet.
Uh-huh.
I'm a little curious as to where all the people are, though.
No idea, no idea.
Didn't want to say anything, didn't want to ruin the mood, but where are the people? I'm seeing a lot more dogs than people, right? There are a shit-ton of dogs out here, I tell ya.
Where are their masters? I don't think these dogs have masters.
I think these dogs play by their own rules.
Well, clearly, the action has shifted elsewhere.
Want to go to the boardwalk? Hey, let's go to the boardwalk! Yes! Yeah! Hey, Charlie! Charlie! Come here! Dude, oh, my God, this place is amazing! Right? Yeah! And the sun block drink? Nice, guys.
They're really good.
They're really good.
Thing is, I didn't make you one.
Oh! Jesus Chris, Charlie! You're drinking sun block.
It's good.
It gets you, it gets you all.
Yeah, you're ingesting viscous chemicals, and they're getting you high.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter.
Okay, we're going to the boardwalk.
What do you say? Oh, really? You want to leave? Yeah.
I feel like we're just scratching the surface of all the cool shit out here.
What cool shit? Well, the sea specimens, the stray dogs, the trash that floated over from Europe.
Yeah, but we didn't come here to play with stray dogs and trash, man.
We came here to soak up the culture.
And the boardwalk is the cultural center of the Jersey Shore, so let's go there.
Come on, man! Yeah, all right.
Goin' to the boardwalk.
Yo, Mac, you see that sign there that says "Taxic spill"? Yeah.
What's that? Disregard that, Frank.
It's a bunch of liberal bullshit.
Right, right.
This is a nice spot.
Yeah, yeah.
Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze.
Oh, this is ham soaked in rum.
It is loaded with booze.
Goddamn it, Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius! Ow! What? What the What the What is that? Oh, yeah.
I got stuck with a needle.
Yeah, that's a syringe.
Be careful.
They are everywhere.
The beach is full of syringes.
Why is that? Well, we're in the steroid capital of the world, Frank.
To be honest with you, as a man who works very hard to maintain a certain level of physical excellence, I find shortcuts insulting.
Now give me a piece of ham now.
Hey, check that out.
What the hell's a dog doing here? Hey, hey, get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! Goddamn dogs, I'm telling you, dude.
The were lurking before, now they're swarming.
I'm not sharing my ham with no dogs.
I got a great idea.
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip-shit on ham.
Might you say we're getting "hammered.
" Oh, nice one.
This is a great idea, Frank.
Great idea.
This is 90-proof ham.
Screw you mutts! Get out of here, you bitch! Come and get it.
Stupid dogs.
We outsmarted those dogs, Frank.
Dude, this is the boardwalk, man.
This is amazing.
Yeah, it's a little bit more desolate than I was hoping it would be, but Yeah, but that's okay.
It's still really great.
Oh, Charlie, there's all kinds of rides and games and opportunities to win stuffed toys.
Yeah, man, the boardwalk is a blast, man.
But it is under the boardwalk where the action really happens.
Trust me, pal.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, what's down there? Oh, Charlie, come on.
So under the boardwalk's where it's at? Yeah, man.
This is gonna knock your socks off.
You never know who you're going to run into, what they're gonna be doing.
You love the bridge, right? Yeah.
This is a lot like being under the bridge, I would think.
It's way better than that.
Under the boardwalk is a magical place, man.
I have a special place in my heart 'cause I had my first kiss down here.
Mm-hmm.
Did you? Oh, dude, all kinds of romantic shit happens Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, no! No! No! No! No! What was that?! Two homeless guys banging each other.
I saw, but why? That's not magical.
That's not romantic.
That's your idea of romantic? No! There are other kinds of romances that happen under here.
I don't want to see anything else like that.
You know what, I'm out of here.
'Cause you guys are perverted.
You get out of here.
You get out of here.
You get out of here, Charlie.
Son of a bitch.
Aw! Where's the beach? Frank, wake up.
What? What's the matter? Where's the beach? Uh, I don't know.
We're in the middle of the goddamn ocean! Yes, we are.
What are we gonna do? Well, we're going to conk out for a while and let the current gently roll us back to shore.
Frank, the current is what brought us out here in the first place.
If anything, we should be paddling against it to get back to the beach.
I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear that.
Frank, Frank, we are no longer in relaxing mode.
We are now in survival mode.
Will you stop being so dramatic? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Where's the rum ham? Where's the rum? Aw! Rum ham! No, Frank, stay in the boat.
Rum ham! Frank, stay in the boat.
I want rum ham! I'm sorry, rum ham.
I'm sorry, rum ham.
Oh, rum ham.
Yeah, this is going to be great, right? Of course it is.
Nothing like some good, innocent, wholesome, above-the-boardwalk fun to, uh, get us back on track.
Yes.
Take a step back from the situation.
Get a clearer perspective.
Yeah, and then we'll plummet propel us forward into an awesome evening.
Yeah.
And hopefully cleanse us of the horrifying events that we've just witnessed.
These beads are really digging into my back.
Wind I don't know.
I don't know if we should have come back here.
I think we made a mistake, because we have so many memories Oh, no.
Is my hair stuck? Yeah.
It feels it's.
Yeah? Oh, yeah.
Well, get it.
No.
Get it out, because we're about to drop Get it! Stick your hand You think I'm going to stick my fingers into the machinery? Hey, hey, you down there.
Do not make it go, because my hair is stuck, and something terrible will happen.
Oh, that's really in there.
Oh, you idiot, stop the ride! Don't make it fall! Ow! Hey.
How you holding up, sis? Not well, Dennis.
Not well.
Do you have any id how horrifying it was to ride that back up to get my hair? Yeah, well, be thankful you got it back.
I just want to get my scalp sewnack on and get the hell out of this miserable town.
I'm starting to wonder what the hell we ever saw in this place, you know what I mean? I mean, look at this girl.
What's her story? She's got a decent bone structure.
She was probably very pretty when she was young.
Yeah.
Probably spent her summers here, lounging on the beach and scooping ice cream.
But she didn't want her summers to end, so she got herself a fake I.
D.
and a push-up bra and started hanging out at the local bars.
Right.
Developed a nasty coke habit, 'cause she loved the way it made her feel.
Mm-hmm.
Extreme highs gave way to extreme lows and she fell into a depression.
Had herself a kid.
Thought it would give her a sense of purpose.
And it did, for a while, until she started using again.
Mm-hmm.
And then social services came knocking at the door, and now the kid lives upstate with his grandparents, 'cause she can't take care of this kid.
And here she is festering away in a one-bedroom apartment waiting for the HIV to turn into AIDS.
And wondering what the hell You know I can hear you, right? Oh, sorry.
We were just using you as a metaphor, though.
Yeah.
We didn't mean anything personal.
Don't sweat it.
You're not that far off.
Hey.
Hey, baby.
Jesus, are you seeing this? Mm-hmm.
God, even the doctors in this town are drug dealers.
Oh, hey, wait.
What are you doing? Who are you? Where did you come from? Get out of here.
Drop it.
No.
Goddamn it! Goddamn you! I hate this town, Dennis.
I hate this town.
Okay, okay, all right, well calm down.
It's understandable.
You are missing a piece of your scalp.
Yeah.
Sounds like you two could use a break.
Want to come party with me and my friends? Yeah.
Yes.
Mm-hmm.
I'm so thirsty.
Gargle some more water, bitch.
I've been gargling.
Well, don't snap at me.
Well, quit acting so bossy.
Okay, you know what, guy, we can't fight, all right? We're both very cranky.
We haven't eaten in a very long time.
I'm starving.
Okay, all right, look, maybe I'll dive down there, I'll spear a tuna, I'll wrestle him on board and we'll feast.
Boom, let's eat.
All right, give me the knife.
I can't give you the knife.
What? Why not? 'Cause there may come a time when difficult decisions must be made, and I'd rather be the one with the knife.
What difficult decisions? What are you talking about? You know, like things you do to stay alive.
Are you talking about killing and eating me, Frank? All I'm saying is, that when you go into survival mode, it's every man for himself.
You seem like you're in survival mode right now.
Maybe I am, maybe I ain't, rum ham.
Did you just call me rum ham? Frank, Frank, we cannot be talking about killing and eating each other already, okay? Tell that to the rum ham.
Stop talking about the goddamn rum ham.
It should have been you! No! Jesus Oh, no! Uh-oh.
You see what you've done? You've murdered us both, you son of a bitch.
Oh, shit, what's that? It's a boat! It's a boat! We're saved! Is that an Italian flag? It's the Guidos.
Guidos, we're here.
Over here.
Oh! No way.
Charlie? Hey.
Oh, my God, what are you doing down here? Did you follow me all the way to the Jersey Shore? No! No, I swear.
I'm just out here but that's cool! Can you believe we're That's like destiny! What What's in your hand? Something stupid I found.
No big deal.
Can I see it? Yeah.
Wow.
That's really beautiful.
I'll tell you what, I mean I think that's a pretty rare one, but you can keep it if you want.
Thanks, Charlie.
Sure.
So you going to insult me and walk away? Or, or what's going on here? No, I, um I don't, I don't know, you know? I love the beach so much, and it's so beautiful.
I could probably just hang out here for a little while.
Cool.
Just don't go under the boardwalk.
Okay.
Guys, this is Dennis and Dee.
I told them they could roll with us tonight.
Yeah, uh, hi.
Yeah, we're, uh, looking forward to partying with you all tonight.
Does Bobby know about this? Don't worry, they're cool.
Yeah.
So, uh what are we getting into tonight, you guys? Yeah! Just waiting for Bobby.
Then we're gonna hit the liquor store.
All right, cool.
Yeah, well, you can't have a party without liquor.
That's right.
So yeah.
Let's hit the liquor store.
Who the hell are these two? Well, you're Bobby, I guess.
Uh, we are just new acquaintances of your friend Stephanie over here.
Harmless people.
You guys cool? Yeah.
Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but I am pretty cool, Bobby.
Hit that.
Yeah.
And I can tell by the way you're staring at me that you're wondering if I'm cool, too.
Ooh.
I'm just going to go ahead and nip that in the bud right now, so Oh, shit.
That does not taste like weed.
It burns a lot.
It's angel dust.
Angel Dust.
Embrace the night.
What's over there? Just can't seem to get my mind off of you Beer, beer, beer, beer! All right, you guys ready to get it? Yes, yes! Let's go, let's go, let's go! No! Yeah! Wha? What's happening? What's happening? Vacation all I ever wanted vacation, had to get away Vacation meant to be spent alone Hi! Drive! Drive now! You! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Thanks, man.
Thanks, bro.
Hurry it up.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Oh, my God! Shut her up! You pick him up.
Okay! Pick him up.
Pick him up? Go get him! Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Rum ham! Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation Dig, come on, dig! Dig! Hurry up! Dig! Shut up! Shut up and dig! Bobby! Shoot 'em! Shoot 'em! had to get away, vacation, meant to be spent alone Vacation, all I ever wanted Vacation, had to get away Vacation, meant to be spent alone Oh, my God, Charlie! Hey.
What a night.
What the Did you rape me last night? What? No.
Gross, no! Then Okay, why am I waking up next to you on a deserted beach? 'Cause we fell asleep here last night.
What's going on with you? Oh, my God.
I was I was on Ecstasy last night, Charlie.
You have to tell me everything that happened.
Oh! Boy, you're really off the wagon, huh? Drinking, drugs Oh, my God.
Well, it was a cool night.
I mean, we laughed, we collected sea specimens, we drank some ocean, you got a little sick from drinking the ocean.
I loved it, though.
That sounds really weird and gross.
Oh, really? Well, I suppose now you think this is weird and gross.
Oh my God, Charlie, come on! What? Hang on a second, where you going? Uh, let's see.
Last night I lived out one of my actual nightmares.
So I'm going to go, and take a shower.
Well, hang on.
Hang on a second.
I suppose you want this back.
What is that? That's a jewel you gave me.
You said you wanted me to have it.
Charlie, that's a piece of a broken glass bottle.
All right.
Well, maybe I'll see you Friday or something.
No! No! Okay.
Hmm.
I guess that's just summer love.
Crazy.
Bro, our night was way more amazing.
And it actually happened.
What do you mean, it actually happened? Why do you keep saying that? You don't think I spent the night with the waitress? No! Then where'd I get this, dude? Where'd I get that? I assume you got it out of the trash, or dug it out of a storm drain somewhere.
I don't believe you're not Whoa! Here they come.
Okay.
All right.
Everyone get in the car! Go, let's go! Get in the car! Come on, come on, come on! Guys, you will not believe the night we had! I don't care, there is no meaning to life anymore.
It takes a classy man to admit when he was wrong.
- And I was wrong.
I love the Jersey Shore.
- Oh, you love it? Oh, you love it so much here, get in the goddamn car, you fat fat ass, fat fat ass.
*** Oh, man, they talk awesome.
I don't know why these guys get such a bad rep.
It's pretty cool.
Let me tell you something, Mac.
There are far worse people in Jersey Shore than the cast of The Jersey Shore.
It's a horrible town.
It's a horrible town filled with horrible people.
I don't know about that.
I think it's a magical town.
Hell yeah.
Beautiful magical town.