Last Comic Standing (2003) s07e02 Episode Script

Previously on last comic standing We launched our massive search for hilarity In Los Angeles.
Are you ready? Yeah! Thousands of comics turned out to tell their jokes.
But I don't wanna die! And some people showed up to do other things.
I will tell you my belief Oh, my goodness gracious.
After two memorable showcases, and bewildered comics Earned tickets to the semifinals.
Make some noise! Now the most impressive search in reality TV history Continues in the big apple.
Are you fired up? Will New York's funniest be able to impress our judges? - Talking to a 21-year-old is like talking to a baby Except babies don't have dumb ideas yet.
Or will we have to call security? - Ew! - All right.
Sweet.
I never felt more black in my life.
Finish that glass of soy milk and get comfortable.
But pay attention, because ultimately, You'll decide who will win $250,000 And the title of last comic standing.
Don't just talk about it.
Be about it.
today last comic standing comes to the East some will fall flat some will rise like yeast New York has the comedy I can feel but it's hard to tell who's joking here and who's crazy for real everything isn't what it seems New York is a city of extremes the East coast won't break they refuse to go under ♪ for one of them season seven might ♪ ♪ be the lucky number ♪ Welcome to New York auditions For last comic standing, season seven.
I'm your host, Craig Robinson.
Let's get it popping.
Uh! Uh! What, what.
Hah! Yeah! Hi.
My name is Alycia Cooper from temple hills, Maryland, And I've been doing comedy for a little over ten years.
This has got to work out 'cause right now I'm living with my mother and her mother.
And I need to get out of there Before one of us kills the other.
The economy is so bad, My cousin texted his wedding invitations.
And I texted him back a picture of a gift.
I'm like, "two can play this game, cheapo.
" I live in D.
C.
, and for a sports fan, It's the worst place to live 'cause all of our teams suck.
The basketball team sucks, the baseball team sucks, The football team sucks.
I had two Washington redskin tickets on my dashboard.
Somebody busted my window And put two wizards tickets beside them.
Two what? Two wizards tickets beside them.
- The Washington wizards.
- And that was the D.
C.
Mayor.
- Uh-oh.
- Man, you were right there.
You had a great joke, And then you added a tag to it That really took away the funniness part.
But you made me laugh twice, So I'm going to say yes for tonight.
Thank you, Greg.
You're welcome, Alycia.
Alycia, I think you're funny.
But I have to say, like, the punch lines Weren't quite hitting hard enough for me, So I'd have to say no.
- Okay.
- Here's what I'm gonna say.
You are doing some jokes that are so hilarious That you shouldn't tag something with, "and that was the Mayor.
" You know what I mean? You can't come up with these hilarious things Without being hilarious.
So I say yes.
Ah! I say eliminate anything by tonight that I may not enjoy.
Okay.
- And let's-- let's get busy! - Yay! - All right, alycia! If I don't make it to the semifinals tonight, I'm going back to hell.
Please, last comic, Get me out of the basement in D.
C.
Help me stop writing my name on the orange juice.
My name's Mike Destefano.
I'm from the Bronx, New York.
I've been doing stand-up for ten years.
I'm on last comic standing, I gotta come up with jokes, I need-- - There's the problem right there.
Ah, John, don't break my chops.
You're trying to say we're funny? No, here, you gotta help me out with the jokes.
- Why don't we find out all the competition-- The people that you're going up against-- We'll find out where they live, We'll all convince them not to be funny.
- Persuade, persuade.
- Okay, persuade.
This way, you don't have to be so funny.
Yeah, I think chubby would be very persuasive.
Yeah.
I could convince 'em.
Think I should have chubby just go up there And say, "look, Mike wins"? That's it.
Winner.
- I'm the winner.
- That's it.
I'm with him.
So, Mikey, if you win last comic standing, What's in it for us? Guys, I'll make you a deal.
If I win, I'll come here, I'll buy pizza for the entire neighborhood.
Eh? - Okay.
- That's a nice gesture.
All right.
All right, well, good.
Hi.
Hi.
All right, I'm gonna start now.
All right, here we go.
I was performing the other night And a guy come up to me after the show.
Said, "man, that was amazing.
"very funny stuff, I'm an agent.
Here's my card, send me a tape.
" I said, "you just watched it.
"what do you need a tape for? Do you have a bad memory? Maybe I'll send you some ginkgo instead.
" I said, "write it down on your card.
"write down 'mike's funny.
' "I was there, this is my handwriting.
Stop crying.
Write-- write what I'm telling you.
" So then he said, "well, do you have a resume?" I said, "a resume? I curse at people.
Do you want me to put that on letterhead for you?" He said, "well, what did you do before comedy?" I said, "I was a drug counselor in a rehab.
" He said, "what did you do before that?" I said, "I was a drug addict.
" He said, "how about before that?" I said, "I was 12.
" - I wanna stop you right there.
- Thank you.
That got a laugh from the crew.
Interesting.
- Thank you very much.
- Really great.
- So we'll see you tonight.
- Why? Why [bleep.]
.
[bleep.]
kind of show is this? I'm better than all those other [bleep.]
people.
No, no, we're saying yes.
We're saying yes is the answer.
- Oh, I could come back.
- Yeah, yeah.
First time it's ever happened to me.
Do you have a tape that you can leave with us? Yeah, I'll see what I can do.
I'll write you a transcript.
Thank you very much.
Three yeses.
Resounding yeses.
See you tonight.
When did you know you had 'em? - When I came out, the girl, I don't really know-- - Natasha Leggero.
- Pretty girl.
Yeah, she's pretty as hell.
She was like, "I was laughing before you even said anything.
" So maybe I just look like a funny guy.
So I don't know.
- Hey, well, good luck, son.
- All right, thanks, man.
Thank you very much.
All right, my pal.
- Absolutely.
- Thank you.
- Destefano.
- [bleep.]
you.
The thing that I think is great Is that the caliber of comedians is very high.
- I'm pro-life, except for, like, two times.
- Yes.
- Yes.
I agree with the whiny Jew and the chatty broad.
Great, thank you.
You did it! Today I tried to do the New York times crossword.
You guys, sometimes I don't even have to read The entire clue To figure out I'm not gonna get it.
You know what I mean? It's like, "what Portuguese--" I don't know.
I'm gonna stop you.
I say yes.
I wanna be a stripper.
And not like a rock of love contestant stripper.
I wanna be a nasty stripper.
I wanna have a spray tan, a coke nosebleed, And a five-year-old.
Bloody coke nose is a great reference, So, uh, I would say, uh, yes for the showcase tonight.
Go! Run! Run! Run! You're on the show! Go, run! Get out of here! Quick! So I was actually very happy At how many good comics there are.
Yes.
Yes.
- I'm gonna say yes.
- I'm gonna say yes.
Thank you.
And then I thought the level of comedy Sunk really low.
Ew! - Oh, geez.
- All right.
Sweet.
Look, this can be pixelated.
- No need.
- It already looks pixelated.
Wait, I don't understand how that happened.
I have many anatomical questions to ask you.
I'm gonna say no, and also no in general.
- No, thank you.
- All right, thanks.
Well, thank you for making me feel so massive.
His groin looked like a hairy brown version Of a game show buzzer.
What you gonna do when you get in there? I'ma do a whole bunch of foolishness.
Some of the people that come in Are just crazy people, and for this competition, You know, you need to be funny on purpose.
I just took The longest bus ride I've ever had.
The toilet four times smaller than my ass.
- My phone just went off.
Uh-oh.
I'll take this in here.
- Uh-oh.
It's moving, all right? Can you show your ass one more Te? Oh, yes.
It was larger than the doors, is what I got the feeling.
- The door's only this big.
- And how big is your ass? My ass is this big.
Carmen Miranda is not only rolling over In her grave, she tunneled down to China.
Well, you know the difference Between a clown and a mime? Do I? And how.
Mimes are morons.
Everything's an illusion.
I'm gonna say no, But I love that stuff comes out of your head, literally.
I'm going to say no.
I might be the last comic standing, you never know.
No, we know.
I'm Kurt Metzger, And I've been doing comedy about 11 years.
Going to the audition-- I would get nervous just because it's three-- I gotta just talk to three people, Which is just strange.
I'll be a lot more comfortable if I go to, You know, where there's a crowd.
Hello.
Name and weight, please.
Uh, Kurt Metzger.
Down to 220 now, dude.
Nice.
So how is everybody? How is the economy for you? Is it hard? Have any of you had to sell your gold For cash? Like that level of hard, Where you couldn't keep your big pile of gold anymore That you had? 'cause if you see that commercial, Those people are overjoyed because They had no idea gold was worth money.
I got $40 to go to six flags And I just had to melt down my grandma's stupid necklace She hid from the Nazis.
I thought we were gonna lose the house, And my wife said, "what about our pirate treasure?" - I'm gonna stop-- - We'll stop you right there.
But you've been hilarious, So I say on the basis of that, Nugget! Gold nugget! Zoy! Ha ha ha ha! Yes.
- Yes, Kurt, that was hilarious-- - Three yeses.
Doesn't matter what she said.
She's very tired.
She's been holding up her ring all day.
Does this ring come in a large? See you tonight, fella.
Thank you.
Welcome back to New York, where millions of people Have been waiting in line for years For their chance to be the last comic standing.
Last comic standing rules.
Dude, you look nothing like your headshot.
What are you doing? This is what I looked like when I first got in line.
Aw That was pretty funny, actually.
My name's Tommy Johnagin.
I'm from Benton, Illinois, And I've been doing stand-up 8 1/2 years.
This is what I do before every show.
A little inside bowling.
Oh, geez, I suck! There you go.
My only worry is that I feel like I may have waited too long to write my act.
I haven't done it yet.
I think I should probably get started.
Jokes'll just go here.
I think at some point between "thanks for having me" and jokes, I'm gonna wink at Natasha Leggero.
How do you spell "standing ovation"? I'm Tommy Johnagin.
The comedy starts now.
I'm single now.
I was engaged.
I was with a girl for seven years.
We got in a fight one time Because we only had sex one time for the entire month.
And I pointed it out, 'cause I thought that was a good idea.
And I said, uh, "can you believe one time? That doesn't seem like a lot.
" And she goes, "I didn't know you were gonna keep track of How many times that we do it.
" And I was like, "well, it was, uh, It was one time," so I didn't-- I didn't do it on purpose.
You know what I mean? I'm not great with numbers.
I kept track of none, And then I added that one time that it happened.
I don't know, what did you get? Was there a dot in your number? Did you get pi? Did you prorate it because it was February? Kind of old school.
I think that's good.
Yeah, that's great.
I agree that women suck.
That was hilarious.
Very funny.
I know I have nothing else to say.
You're very, very funny and that's a yes for me.
I think you're funny in a way that I feel threatening to my humor.
Like, it's guys like you coming after me.
Thank you.
Congratulations on achieving humor.
Yay, I made it.
So you're ready to be the last comic standing? I'm gonna be the last comic standing.
- You think you got a shot? - I am the last comic standing.
Are you about to be the last comic? I'm the last comic standing.
Yo, I'm the last comic standing.
I'm the last comic standing.
Todd Catalano.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Um, my girlfriend actually Threw me out of the house 'cause she says, "you cuddle with the dog more than me.
" And I'm like, "oh! "you grow six more nipples, You'll be head bitch of the pack, all right?" She didn't like that too much.
So to get back at me, she stopped shaving her legs.
"how do you like that?" I'm like, "hey, it's kind of hot.
" Feel like I'm cheating on my dog with Mrs.
Chewbacca.
You made it to that one bit, huh? I got confused by the nipples on the dogs thing.
'ey, if she grows six nipples, She'd be a head bitch.
Right, exactly.
Are you Italian? - Yeah.
- Yeah, so am I.
I'm sure you can tell by the number of vowels In my last name.
- You got a lot of-- - Catalano.
- You've got a Lotta-- - 'Ey.
You've got a lot of something, But I'm gonna vote no for the competition-- - Oh! - I'm sorry.
Come on.
All right.
Well, that's one.
Paisan.
I can't tell for sure if I was Laughing with you Oh, snap.
But, uh, I'm also gonna say no.
But, um, good luck with whatever it is you're doing.
- Okay.
- Good work, and, uh-- Hey, be nice to the wife once in a while.
I am.
I'll throw a bone once in a while.
When you come to New York, you expect to see A certain amount of that typical New York style comedy.
- My name is Joe Moffa.
- Rich Francese.
- Jessie Mae Peluso.
- Eric Tartaglione.
My name is Stoney.
I'm Gina Scarda.
How are you? People say to me, "you're over 40.
Is that your hair?" Yeah.
You'd better believe this is my hair.
I got two fat kids who look just like their mother.
I'm so hairy, I don't take showers.
I get steam cleaned.
I look like the cast of Jersey shore you want a tomato, baby? Maybe the baby wants a tomato.
I got a white girl with a black ass.
What.
His lawyer undid my breasts as exhibit "a.
" I was like, "these are ds.
" We had a blind kid read the bumps on my head.
They spell out, "Italian midget.
" Guess what, guys? you need more than Just the accent.
No! Next.
Hi.
Being on last comic standing is a very big deal to me.
I have quit a 9 to 5, very, very stable Corporate job.
Hi, I'm Jamie Lee.
So I've really put all of my eggs In the stand-up comedy basket.
I'm, uh, going through a breakup right now.
And, uh, my friend was like, "oh, uh, you know, "at least you're gonna lose a lot of weight From being depressed.
" That's like going up to an alcoholic And being like, "well, At least you don't have to see your kids again.
" You know? I mean, Billy was a handful, And whiskey is the business.
So just keep it in check.
I come from a really judgmental family.
My grandmother's the worst.
She loves to just openly make fun of strangers in public.
We were at the park and she was like, "oh, my God, Jamie, "look over there.
That's the chubbiest little midget I have ever seen.
" I was like, "grandma, that's just a baby, okay? Why don't we keep it in check?" She's like, "whatever it is, no wonder it's crying.
No one can be comfortable at that size.
" I'm gonna stop you Because I think you're very funny, So I'm gonna say, uh, yes.
Thank you so much.
That was only one yes.
Don't get all excited.
Oh, okay.
Sorry.
You felt a little new to me still.
Uh, you did have at least one or two really strong jokes In what I saw today.
So, uh, I'm gonna also say, uh, yes 'cause I'm curious to see how you will do In front of the, the audience.
Thank you.
I felt like there was a payoff each time.
And, and I like you.
So I'd like to see you in front of an audience.
So I'm gonna say yes.
Thank you, Natasha.
Yes, very funny.
That's a yes.
So we'll see you tonight.
Oh, I love you guys.
Thanks so much.
Thank you.
- See you later.
- Ah! I deduct for the exit dancing.
It's crazy because I love all those comedians so much And respect them so much, so having them validate What I write is, like, a dream come true.
Even if I didn't make it any further, Which I hope I do.
Can I get a battery? Let's get some energy out here, New York.
We've got a competition to win.
When you go inside, do you know what to do? Try not to speak into the microphone.
Talk about women and children.
Women and children.
Yes, humiliate them And make fun of people's religion.
And be as racist as possible.
- There you go.
- Yeah.
I feel that.
Was that inspiring? Hi.
Hey.
Now I've been arguing with my Uncle lately.
He's gotta be the only person I know That can't stand Obama.
There's people that don't agree with him, But my uncle-- look, he's ex-military-- And he wants the troops home.
"where the troops? We gotta get these troops.
" Look, I'm like everybody else.
I want the troops out of Iraq, But whether you like it or not, It's gonna take time to get the troops out of Iraq.
It took me two years to get a crazy girl Out my apartment.
And that's one chick, Let alone half a million soldiers.
You can't just put 'em all on southwest.
It takes time to book these flights.
You have a very unique delivery And I really like where you're going With this stuff.
So I'd like to see you in front of an audience, So I say yes.
Thank you very much.
I would just like to make more gestures than Natasha Like we're on a cruise ship.
You've got very funny material.
And you delivered it in a funny way.
Which is two good things, right? Yes, plus your comedy is humorous.
So that's, like, three out of the three things We're looking for.
So I say yes.
So that's two yeses.
We will see you tonight.
Congratulations.
All right.
Thank y'all.
I'm excited and nervous, But I also need to figure out what jokes I'm gonna do.
So right now, I need to settle down and-- I made it through, I'ma call my mom, And then go get the notebook.
- Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Oh, my goodness gracious.
- Okay, go ahead.
- What are we doing? This is the tonight show, right? - No, no this-- this is not the tonight show.
Oh, my God.
I quit.
So what am I supposed to do? Open the box.
I got the surprise.
Oh.
Watch out.
I'd like to introduce my little puppet.
Hey, how you doin'? - What's the matter? - I don't like your act.
I don't like you.
Wait a minute, I'm getting mixed up.
- I don't give a damn.
- What are you doin'? - Would you give me a chance? - Okay.
- All right.
- Good luck.
- Hey, wait-- - I think we're good.
I think we're good on what we got.
For me, it would have to be something different, Fresher, new, you know.
Just like the cranky puppet and the other-- The third guy was cool.
- Thank you.
- But for what I'm looking for, it's-- I would say no for this competition.
Okay.
I like what you're doing, but I'm gonna say no.
Oh, my God.
It was a pleasure to meet all three of you.
- Okay.
Great.
- Bye-bye.
I love ventriloquist acts, but just the dummy.
I don't usually like the actual dude.
- Um, this is my buddy, Gus.
- This is Bernie.
- This is soul brother Ricky.
- This is my partner, Roscoe.
This is dangerous.
He's my friend.
Bernie, I'm happy to say we're at last comic standing.
Great, that's just great.
Where's your crutches? Nothing like another freebie benefit.
I'd like to say one thing.
And I'm not a stickler for technique-- But I don't know if the cupping of the Mic And the cigar-- - I'm very, very sorry.
Can we kiss and make up? No.
Why don't you start out by doing something Very hard to do? What are you gonna do, walk? I'd like to see a ventriloquist act Where the dummy is the nice and pleasant one And the ventriloquist is the angry, sarcastic one.
Way to screw with the illusion.
How come the ventriloquists and their dummies Never get along? - Don't give me attitude.
- Why? 'cause I'm imaginary.
Just like your sex life.
It's a no for me for the competitio But I think you're great at what you do.
It's a no for me too, but it's a cute duck.
Bite me.
Did he say, "bite me"? My name's Jared Logan.
I'm from Morgantown, West Virginia.
And I've been doing stand-up almost seven years now.
Since coming to this city, I've been trying to get used to, like, The finer things in life.
So today we're gonna have a little wine tasting With my roommates.
So let's try the Merlot first.
Oh, yeah.
Wow, it comes out fast.
Yeah.
Make sure you get a little bit of that cardboard in mine.
- What year is this? - This is a 1906.
No, that's the price tag.
This means I'm ready.
Smell it.
It smells like poison.
- Don't put your finger in it.
- Sorry.
I think I definitely have a shot at the showcase.
I lost my cup.
I didn't even get my cup in.
- I can't reach mine.
- I didn't get my cup in.
If I didn't think that, why bother? - Is it supposed to burn? - Champagne wishes.
I can't say blue anymore.
And caviar dreams.
I'm sweating a lot.
Is that a normal thing? I'm gonna go for it.
Uh, I used to smoke.
I used to smoke but I stopped Because in New York, five, six, seven times a night Someone asks you for a cigarette And they're expensive.
And so I was talking about this to a friend who also smokes And she was like, "just do what I do.
"carry an extra pack with you That only has one cigarette in it.
" And that way, Any time someone asks you for a cigarette, You just pull that pack out and you say, "oh, I'm sorry, I have only one left.
" And I already have to remember a lot of stuff When I leave the house, you guys.
I already have to remember my wallet, My cell phone, my keys, my iPod, My dummy wallet with only one dollar in it, My fake cell phone, My iPod with only one song on it, And the remote control wooden cutout of myself That I drive along 50 feet ahead of me at all times.
That's a lot of things.
That's a lot of stuff.
It is a lot of things.
Uh, you know, I don't know if I like the material, Or I'm falling in love with you.
Well, that happens to me a lot.
- So I'm gonna say yes.
- Okay, thank you.
If I have to base on that, I'll have to say no.
There's something funny about you That feels almost accidental.
And since Andy said yes, And I believe everything you said-- You said no, right? So it's all on me.
So I'm just tired of talking, I'll say yes.
- Thank you guys.
- Okay, thanks.
- That was great.
Thanks.
- See you at the showcase.
Thanks.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yes.
I think it would be so much easier in church If the ministers would just use More quotation fingers, you know? Like our "father" who art in "heaven.
" Can we all say yes at the same time? Yes.
I am in the big brothers program.
And, uh, I'm trying to be a good role model.
But it's hard 'cause we've had a different life experience, So I don't know how to handle certain things.
Like he gets into fights a lot at school, And I've never been in a fight in my life, So I don't know what to do.
It's like, "what happened, buddy? "that guy took your baseball glove "so you beat his ass and you got it back? It's one way to do it, huh?" I'm gonna say yes.
The worst are those Brazilian bikini waxes.
Like, what is so attractive about that? It looks like Hitler's moustache Is in your underwear.
Is it wrong that the idea of Hitler's moustache And underwear turns me on? So I say yes.
Yeah, I'd like to see you tonight.
Thank you.
I've been with my partner for 22 years.
And I don't know why people are so scared of The marriage thing.
I mean, we have the most boring life, you know? We get up in the morning, we have cocktails, Then we go to schools and recruit, Then we plot the destruction of the traditional family For about two hours.
And then we get wasted and go dancing.
Thought that stuff was very personal, And I liked it a lot, so I'm going to say yes.
When we return, The comics face a tough New York crowd And fight like savages for a ticket to the semifinals.
It's our first New York showcase.
Stick around.
I'm not feeling great right now, all right? I just wanna go home.
Let's get this over with, all right? They've got my phone number.
Call me.
I'm feeling good about the showcase right now.
About 30 seconds ago, I would have been like, "don't talk to me.
" Um, so I think it's okay.
I'm nervous.
Welcome to our first New York City showcase! Why am I yelling? We've auditioned billions of comics From the East coast and beyond, And tonight, the best of those billions of comedians Will take the stage to compete for a ticket To the semifinals.
So are you ready to get your laugh on? And please give it up for the first comic of the night, Jamie Lee! Holy cow, Craig Robinson.
How are we feelin'? Yeah! I got catcalled on the way here.
This guy was like, "oh, mami! Oh!" First of all, what, Are you crippled by my appearance? "oh, mami! Oh!" pelvic thrusts.
"oh, God bless those legs, girl, shoot, God bless those legs.
" Which was so irritating 'cause I'm like, My chest is my better feature, you know? It's like, "are you even looking at me?" I know I'm pear-shaped.
Are you mocking me? What's going on? It's just frustrating.
It's like, I just want a papi Who sees this mami, you know? It's like, ah! I was walking here tonight and I bumped into this gang.
They were like a gang, you know? Like a little gangster.
I bumped into one.
He's like, "yo, you bumped into me, dawg.
" And he said, "yo, why don't you say 'ascuse me'?" "ascuse me.
" that's not a word.
That's why I don't say it, number one.
And then they said they were gonna beat me up, These guys, so I carry a gun in case I get my feelings hurt, you know? So, uh-- I'm sensitive.
So I put the gun to his head and he said, "it's all good, dawg, it's all--" I said, "no, no, it's all bad.
" There's a gun pointed at your head.
It's not all good.
It was all good a couple minutes ago, Now it's like at least mostly bad.
So I said, uh, "I'm gonna kill you "unless one of you or your friends Can spell 'ascuse me,'" and-- And he didn't make it.
He didn't make it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I think all these websites, this MySpace stuff Where you swap photos and everything, I think it's bad; I think it's bad for dating.
If you're in a relationship and you're on These photo-swapping chat sites, all-- It's just one more thing for you and your girlfriend To argue about.
And that's what creates tension in a relationship is drama.
It's just one more thing causing drama.
Why do you think your grandparents made it? You ever hear somebody bragging about their grandparents? "oh, I believe in true love.
My grandma and granddad have been together 62 years.
" That's 'cause your grandma never had to check His Facebook page.
They never had that argument.
Pretty sure your granddad didn't come home A couple hundred years ago and had to explain why Eunice was on his Twitter account.
Re-tweeting and everything.
"who is Eunice?" "why you trippin'? We just pick cotton together.
You always coming in here trip--" "we're just friends, we're just friends.
"it's platonic.
We at the same plantation, that's all it is.
" Nothing's at stake.
This is for kicks.
I wanna win it just for people That have something at stake to stick it in their faces.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise For Kurt Metzger! Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Do you guys remember where you were When you heard Michael Jackson had died? Do you? 'cause that is a huge death, right? That death eclipsed all other deaths, I think.
'cause I will never forget where I was When I found out.
I was at my father's funeral, and They were in the middle of the eulogy And this guy burst in And said, "everyone, I'm sorry "to interrupt this funeral, But I'm afraid I have some terrible news.
" And we were devastated.
My mother collapsed.
My 12-year-old brother started crying And grabbing his crotch To try to bring Michael back somehow.
It almost ruined that funeral, But then our pastor put on thriller And we started singing and dancing.
And I picked up my dad and moved him like a zombie.
I go to a lot of weird yoga classes.
I went to one called "yogic trance dance.
" I walk in and there's the group of people In a circle around a lit candle And a pile of blindfolds.
And I was like, "oh, this is going to be stupid.
" It--it was.
We had to dance around blindfolded.
And then afterwards, we were supposed to Process our dance journey in a circle.
And this one dancer girl in my class was like, "I don't know.
"at first, I was, like, into it and I was, like, dancing, "uh, but then, I kind of thought it was stupid And I sat in a corner.
" I can't stand traveling anymore Because I can't stand making plane reservations.
"hi, I'd like some information before we begin.
What is your final destination?" Miami.
"I think you said Scottsdale.
Is that right?" No.
"I'm sorry.
I didn't quite get that.
What is your final destination?" Miami.
"checking flights for Seoul, South Korea.
" No! "what is--" no! "did you--" no! Agent.
"checking flights for agent, north Dakota.
" Shut up! I'm gonna kill you! I'm gonna rub your face in a gravel driveway.
Just get me an agent! "I'm sorry.
I didn't quite get that.
What is your final destination?" Your face! Because when I find it, I'm gonna bash it in.
"I think you said Miami.
" Hold on.
Who said you could leave? We've got plenty more from the New York showcase When we return.
You know, it's not like athletics Where you have stat sheets.
You know, Kobe went 8 for 80.
You're gonna look at the sheet and go, "he was better than you last night.
You know, clearly.
" Comedy is nothing like that, so it's anybody's game.
What's the plan "b"? I don't have a plan "b.
" never have plan "b.
" It's just go.
Go and do it and win it.
And, uh, don't even try to think about plan "b.
" Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise For Tommy Johnagin.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'm single now.
I was engaged.
I was with a girl for seven years and we broke up.
My friends tried to make me feel better.
They were like, "oh, you got the ring back.
That's good.
" Yeah, yeah.
That's what I was going for.
I cried a lot.
I scream cried.
Did you ever scream cry? You cry as hard as you can cry And your body goes, "make noises, That'll get her back.
" I love you.
The only time you're supposed to scream cry Is if you're cradling a dead body Pumping your fist at the sky.
And then Steven Seagal fixes things.
You don't do it.
You don't scream cry in somebody's face.
It freaks them out a lot.
I'm single.
I don't even know how to do this single thing.
I end up talking to 21-year-olds all the time Because they're pretty.
And then I talk to them and it's like torture.
Talking to a 21-year-old is like talking to a baby Except babies don't have dumb ideas yet.
I wonder how that happens.
I was talking to a 21-year-old.
I go, "hey, do you play pool?" She goes, "I had sex on a pool table once.
" That's not even close to the answer of the question.
I was like, "was it a league?" I just put two quarters on her chest And said, "I got next.
" It pisses me off that airlines are charging $25 to check your first bag.
They know we're going out of town.
We gotta take something, right, ma'am? I fixed them.
I stood in the lobby And put everything in my luggage on.
I had eight suits, four skirts, A wonderbra, some feety pajamas, A pair of shoes on my feet, Another pair tied around my neck.
I sprayed all my perfume on.
Drank my scope like it was Jagermeister.
- Suddenly, I-- I think I'm nervous To the point where I think I might get sick.
It's pretty scary.
Coming to the stage, Flavia Masson! Hi.
Hi.
My maid, her name is candy, Which is short for Candida.
And, uh, she turns every situation Into a Spanish soap opera.
Like-- "ay, Flavia! En el nombre De dios!" "Que Paso, Betty?" "donde Esta el senor clean?" "Mr.
Clean is underneath the kitchen sink.
" I was in Malaysia this year and I learned this.
This is gonna blow your minds.
Monkeys are roadkill.
I don't think everybody listened to me, um-- I need you to imagine what that would be like For you to grab a cab home tonight, Drive down 23rd, And your driver were to hit a monkey.
'cause everybody's hit roadkill, I have.
I've locked eyes with a raccoon.
I've been like, "eh, I heard a crunch.
" But then you move on with your life And everything's fine, but a monkey has little hands.
A monkey has a face with expressions You might recognize.
I don't care how cool about it you might think you're gonna be If you're cruising along the highway in Malaysia At 2:00 in the morning And a monkey darts in front of your car.
There's a half a second before you hit it.
You'll see it through your windshield go, "[bleep.]
no!" like-- You will never get that out of your brain.
That will haunt your dreams for a thousand years.
You can even see it in the rearview mirror, Like, "you bastard.
" I will tell whatever jokes it takes In whatever city you want me to be in.
I will do anything.
I will turn into ten tigers onstage And make this happen.
So watch out.
And now it's time for Claudia Cogan.
- Hey, guys.
Um, so, um, I have-- I'm online most of my day 'cause it's fun.
But, um, I hate it when my friends use "lol" In their I.
M.
Conversations.
'cause it's never for something funny.
It's usually for something like Horribly awful, um, You know, like, "was drinking all night.
Passed out, can't find the kids, lol.
" That's actually "lolci," Laughing out loud, crying inside.
You should definitely use that.
Um, not to make you fall even more in love with me, Um, but I probably don't have HIV.
Yay.
Um, how do I almost know? Well, I got tested because back in the '90s, Salt-n-pepa told me to.
Um Sometimes I am too fancy.
When I need to get by somebody, I say, "pardon me.
" Most people say, "excuse me.
" You should not say, "pardon me.
" It's too formal.
When I say, "pardon me" to people on the train, They give me dirty looks.
They're like, "pardon me? Screw you, little lord Fauntleroy, pardon me.
" Like they act like I just said, "pardon me.
" That is not what I said.
They act like I just said, "would everybody "born out of wedlock please stand to one side? "would all plebeians please form a corridor So the world's fanciest man can exit the train?" "do you know who my father is?" I have, like, a little scepter.
I'm like, "out of the way, mudbloods.
" "top chef is on in a half hour, I must be home.
" Guys.
Thank you.
It has come to that time Where our judges have to deliberate.
Who will be going to the semis? We'll find out in a little while.
- The vibe in the green room-- Hate and insecurities that you can cut with a knife.
I don't know how long they're gonna deliberate, You know what I mean? I wanna leave.
Maybe they can just text me or something, let me know.
All right, the judges have made their decisions.
Now it's time to find out Who's going to Hollywood for the semifinals.
All right, let's get to it.
The first comic Moving on to the semifinals is Roy wood, Jr.
Roy, darling.
Wow.
This is amazing, man.
It's good to know somebody believes in what you do.
And, um, it's good to have A little bit of tangible proof about it.
So time to get into the joke book And get back to business, I guess.
The next comic moving on is Tommy Johnagin.
You did it.
I found this on the ground.
I'm going to Los Angeles with it.
Claudia Cogan.
Thank you, guys.
You're awesome, I love you.
Kurt Metzger.
Alycia Cooper.
Amanda Melson! Jesse Joyce.
There are only two tickets left For this group.
Mike destefano.
I'm very excited about going to Los Angeles.
It's a great place to perform.
And I feel one step closer to being The last comic standing.
This is the last ticket to the semifinals For this group.
The next comic to join the best of the East is Jamie Lee.
Oh, my God! Wow.
I did it.
- It's empty.
What the f-- - There's only gonna be one last comic standing.
And, uh, that will be me, Unless something unfair happens.
I'm not gonna say That I'm gonna take my own life, but That's it for our first New York City showcase.
Thank you for being here.
I'm Craig Robinson.
Good night.
It was so worth it.
I made the right choice.
I quit my job and I'm going to Los an-- I can't believe it! Whoo! Thank you.
Okay.
Thanks so much.
Is that it? Do you have any questions?