Live at The Apollo (2004) s07e02 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight - Sean Lock! Thank you.
Thank you.
Welcome to Live At The Apollo.
I drove here tonight and on the way I stopped to get some petrol in a petrol station.
A lot of petrol stations are like this these days, they were selling booze in the petrol station.
That's a bit weird, isn't it? They don't sell ordinary booze, like Fosters, yeah? I'd call that a driving beer, wouldn't you? Couple of cans of that! There! Eh?! At this petrol station they were selling Special Brew! In a petrol station.
You can't drive after a can of that! You couldn't operate a brush! Last time I had a can of Special Brew within 10 minutes I was shouting at lollipop ladies.
You safety bitches! Special Brew, you never see it advertised, do you? That's cos there's no point cos the people who drink it can't be reached by "normal advertising.
" If you want to advertise to them, you've got to book space on the side of stray dogs.
I go to a lot of kids' parties.
With my kids.
Obviously, I don't just I don't just turn up - "I'm on telly, I love cake.
Let me in.
" I was at this kid's party the other day and they were all dressed as pirates.
Kids running around dressed as pirates.
I thought it was weird.
Basically, pirates are rapists, thieves and murderers and now they're loveable children's characters.
I find that a bit odd.
What if you go to a kid's party in 100 years' time, they'll all be dressed as terrorists.
And instead of saying "shiver me timbers!" they'll go, "I spit on your decadent Western ways.
" "Oh, he's funny.
He's funny, in't he? Yeah.
" "Now, put your rucksack on and enjoy the party, off you go!" I tell you, the worst thing about kids' parties is when your kids are going, they want to make a card.
Oh, Christ, I hate that! "Can we make a card?" "Oh, no! Bollocks!" Cos you've got to get the glitter out, haven't you? Oh, I hate that shit! I can't stand, it gets everywhere, doesn't it, glitter? It's all on your clothes, all over you and it leaves a trail wherever you go.
No wonder Gary got caught! We've got some well-known faces in the crowd tonight.
Sarah Beeny's here.
Hello, Sarah.
Thank you for coming along.
I heard you run an online dating website, don't you? Is that like the old-fashioned dating websites? I did one of those years ago.
You know when you fill out a form and they match you up with somebody who filled out the form same as you.
I did one of those.
And it sort of worked but there were certain things that I like doing which weren't on the form.
You have presumptions, don't you? I thought because she ticked "country walks "and adventurous personality", she would enjoy badger baiting.
And there's some people from Made In Chelsea here.
Hello.
Welcome.
You're Ollie Lock, aren't you? People often ask me if we're related, and I say, "Yeah, he's my sister.
" And we've got Oliver Phelps in from the Harry Potter films.
Where's Oliver? Hello, Oliver, thanks for coming.
So, Emma and Daniel couldn't make it tonight? Interesting fact about Emma Watson, I don't know if you know this, but did you know that The Sun newspaper had a countdown to Emma Watson's 16th birthday? They did, I'm not making that up.
They had a countdown to her 16th birthday.
And I was thinking, imagine if I did that? If I followed 15-year-old girls round the streets.
Five days to go-o-o! We're all very excited.
Ha-ha-ha! Look, I made an Advent calendar to count it down.
I think I'd end up on the front page of The Sun, wouldn't I? One of the things I've become interested in recently is female role models.
That's something that's appeared recently on my radar of concerns cos I've got two daughters.
Before I had daughters, I wasn't bothered about it, didn't really interest me at all.
To be honest with you, I didn't give a shit.
If you'd said, "How do you feel about "how women are represented in the media and the subsequent effect on young women?" I'd have just gone Gargle-argle-argle.
Does that answer your question? I cared more about the new font on my local takeaway menu.
I liked the old one.
But I've changed because it is something that concerns me, it will affect me.
Somebody who's always seen as a negative role model for women is someone like Jordan.
The only two issues I have with her, one is - the name - changing her name from Jordan to Katie Price.
I thought that was a bit weird.
That's a bit like Noddy announcing his real name is Derek Jarvis, isn't it? "Yes, I still drive the little car, wear the hat "but I'm a bit more mature now, I've moved on.
" Another issue with Katie Price is the tan.
A tan can look nice but she's gone way too far, hasn't she? She's now the colour of a hangover piss, isn't she? You know, some mornings you look down and go, "What was I drinking?!" "Lizards?!" I do, I take issue with that because, you know, I had skin cancer a long time ago.
I didn't catch it through sunbeds, no, I used to work on building sites for many years.
You work with your shirt off and it's quite hard to persuade a big Irish foreman to rub a bit of Ambre Solaire in your back.
"Oi, Mick! Mi-ick! "You wouldn't be a poppet, would you?" But someone who I think is actually a very positive role model for young women is Madonna.
I think she's an unsung hero.
She's so uncompromising.
She doesn't any crap, she does things exactly how she wants to do.
And also, she's quite a pioneer, Madonna.
She was the first person to use these headset mics.
It was either her or McDonald's, I'm not sure who got there first.
She was the first one.
She needed them for her special dancing cos she invented that dance.
All the pop stars do it now, you know this dance, that dance.
Madonna invented that.
When they move around the stage like that and they go.
I don't know what that means.
Like, "Wait till I get you home.
" And she'd be moving up and down the stage and she'd have like a push-up bra on and a leotard and it was a very good way for her to show off all her sexual wares and get about.
There's all me bits! "Yeah, mate, this is my top sexy area.
Sorry, I can't do accents.
My American comes out Australian, sorry about that.
"Yeah, this is my top sexy area here.
Yeah.
"Yeah, mate, you can have a whole heap of fun with that, yeah.
"We call it Happy Valley! "Now, moving on down here, this is a totally different zone! "This is Party Town! "You get anywhere near that, mate, you're a lucky rooster! "Movin' on round the back here, we call this Jackpot City! "You get near that, mate, it's your birthday!" I've worked out, right, that Madonna's dancing, basically all these years Madonna's dancing is milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner, chocolate's made.
That's what she's been doing all these years.
She has a choreographer at the side of the stage shouting them out.
"Milk, milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! "Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! "Lemonade! Chocolate! Lemonade! Chocolate! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! "Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! Milk! Chocolate! "Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade!" I'm fascinated by her, cos she's such an overtly sexual woman.
She's very rrr! But not in a seductive, enticing way, is it? It's very confrontational, bit like, "Grr! Go on! Grr! "Think you want a go on that? Go on! Grr!" Imagine, if you had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna, it'd be a bit like taking a penalty against Peter Shilton in his heyday.
"Come on, do you think you can get one in?" "No chance!" She's terrifying, isn't she? And have you seen her arms?! Christ's sakes! She's got the arms of a scaffolder, that woman! Imagine THOSE coming near your genitals.
Jesus Christ! It'd just be like that.
Boom! "Oh, bloody hell, Madonna! "Ooh! Oh, crikey! Ooh! "Woo, that was quick! "Ooh! "Ah!" "Yeah, I'll do you again if you want! Ha-ha!" Boom! "Oh!" "Once I did Guy Ritchie five times in a MINUTE! "He's a broken man now! "He wets the bed.
" "Oh, God!" It'd be like those things that take tyres off in Formula One, wouldn't it? Boom-boom, boom-boom! She fascinates me.
I mean, if I had the opportunity to have sex with Madonna - I don't know how that's going to come about.
Scratch card - "Ooh! "I've won! Ha-ha!" At first, you'd be quite excited.
Then you'd be on the plane over to America with a whisky, going, "Bloody hell! "I've got to have sex with Madonna!" And you get to a hotel suite in LA, knock on the door.
Inside, it's just pitch black darkness.
And all you can hear is Madonna, scampering about.
"What, Sean? "Have you come to get your prize, Sean? "I'm ready for ya!" Switch the light on, there's just bones everywhere.
So are you ready for the first act of the evening? Please put your hands together, go crazy for a wonderful comedian, Mr Ed Byrne! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for that lovely welcome.
I was hearing that we're actually nicer to animals than we are to each other sometimes.
I have proof of this.
We have a cat in our house.
Now, I'm not a cat person, cos I was never bitten by a radioactive cat.
But we have a cat.
And the reason we have a cat is proof that we're nicer to animals.
Cos the reason we have a cat is we found a cat by our bins.
He looked hungry, so now he lives with us.
You wouldn't do that for a human being, would you? "All right mate, what're you doing by the bins? You all right there? What are you doing? Just hungry, are you? "D'you want to live in the house?" "Come on in, not a problem.
On you go.
"It's much better than being by the bins.
No, don't get a job, "just live here, we'll buy your food, "and in exchange, could you just shit everywhere? "Could you do that? "That seems like a good deal, doesn't it? "This is the living room.
If you could slowly but surely destroy the furniture? "Just a little bit every day, just a little bit.
We'd appreciate that.
"This is where me and the wife watch TV.
While we're doing that, "could you just show us your arse? Could you do that? "In exchange for room and board, could you just back up towards us "with your pink balloon knot on display? "We'd appreciate that.
"Is that everything? Sorry, one more thing.
I know we're asking a lot.
"But we are letting you live here rent-free and we are buying your food "for you.
Could you just, when I'm on me own in the house, "could you jump on the back of my chair and frighten the shit out of me? Just now and again! "Not so often that it becomes commonplace.
"Not often enough that I get used to it.
Just rare enough that every time "it happens, I actually think I'm going to die.
Could you do that? "Welcome aboard! "Honey, the man we found by our bins wants to sleep in our bed with us tonight.
Is that OK? "Apparently that's fine, it's not a problem.
"Apparently it's not even weird.
"No, don't have a bath, just lick yourself.
That'll do.
"Just lick your rancid hole right in front of us, you filthy animal.
" The way it was sold to me that the cat would live with us was he'd keep away the mice - weird bargaining chip for my wife, cos I don't give a shit about mice.
I think mice are a better pet than the average cat.
Because they're just as cute as a cat, but you don't have to buy or open the food for them - they just eat whatever's lying around.
You go on holiday, you don't need someone to feed your mice.
Mice are a handy pet.
Not as handy as a tapeworm - "I'll have whatever you're having.
" A tapeworm is a very handy pet.
But I know that my wife doesn't like mice.
So what she doesn't like, I don't like.
And if she's happy, I'm happy.
So the cat will keep away the mice, job's a good'un.
But he doesn't! He doesn't keep away mice.
He brings mice in! Mice that had no intention of coming anywhere near the house.
Mice that live in a field across the road from the house.
The cat will find them, bring them in alive, play with them for a bit and then just get distracted.
"Ooh, a sunbeam!" And let them go! We've more mice in the house now than we did before we had a cat! Cos he keeps getting them from the wild and releasing them into captivity.
And it's not just mice.
It's like a nature documentary in my house now.
I'd never seen a vole before.
Didn't know what a vole looked like till I found a dead one in me shoe.
A pheasant.
A fully-grown hen pheasant.
That's the biggest thing the cat's brought in still alive so far.
Which I know does make it sound like he's brought in bigger things than that dead.
Two wolves and a postman, just in case you're wondering.
A pheasant.
Have you ever had a little bird, like a blue tit or a chaffinch get into your house? They suddenly seem huge, don't they? Suddenly, you're being terrorised by this winged beast.
See a pheasant? They're big outside! They're big in your garden.
See when you're in your living room? They're gigantic! Cos certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside, that's just a trick of perspective.
That's why a car showroom works as a concept, cos a car indoors looks a lot bigger than a car outside on a forecourt.
Sales psychology.
Certain things seem bigger inside than they do outside.
And you ladies would do well to bear that in mind.
Boom! Anyway, I come down the stairs, and there's this pheasant, which incidentally, wasn't keen on moving out, once it had tasted the high life of Casa Byrne! I don't know if he'd said to the pheasant, "Just show them "your arse now and again, they'll feed you.
They're idiots.
And I'm looking at the cat like I'm annoyed at him, but I'm also quite impressed at what he's done.
The cat's looking back at me, like he's impressed with himself.
But he's also quite scared of what he's wrought on the house.
Cat's looking at me, going, "I know, it's massive, isn't it?!" "I'll be honest, I thought it was big when it was OUTSIDE! But "Now I've brought it in, I'm scared to go near it.
It's huge, look at it! "Anyway, I got you this.
"If you don't want it, put it on eBay, I don't really give a shit.
" I'm making fun of the cat, I'm slagging the cat - it's my nature.
But I actually did grow to quite like him.
I did develop a certain level of grudging affection for the cat.
But we had a step back in our relationship recently.
The first time I saw him kill and eat a mouse right in front of me.
Then there's a far more malevolent force living in your house.
He was there with this mouse on the welcome mat.
On the welcome mat! Did you know that cats have a sense of irony? I did not.
Welcome to your doom! And he's just playing with this mouse, and it's horrible, and the mouse is fighting back like it has a chance, and he's letting it go and catching it again.
And then it was just so callous.
He suddenly just flipped a switch, "I tire of you now.
" Ksshhh! Tossed it into his gob and ate it in three gulps.
Bones crunching and everything, tail falls there, guts fall there.
And then, the cat just looked at me.
He just looked right at me as if to say, "See that? "Now we know what I'm capable of.
"We'll have no more of this dry food bullshit, yeah? "There's my little arse.
" Apollo, you've been lovely, thank you for listening, I've been Ed Byrne, cheers.
Ed Byrne, ladies and gentlemen! OK, are you ready for the next act of the evening? Please put your hands together for Lee Nelson! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Aw'ight, Apollo? Yes, I am in the mood of my life, I've just had a second kid! Yeah! We had an 'ome delivery, which is in-cred-ible! The midwife come round the house and they got my missus on the floor, they stripped her off, give her a load of drugs and told her it wouldn't hurt.
I pissed myself, cos that is exactly how I got her preggers! We're a properly family now.
We've got my six-year-old boy, Stairwell.
Don't laugh at Stairwell, man, we done a Posh and Becks and named him after where we done it.
And now we got my little baby girl, Nina.
Yeah, we done it in a police van.
People knock Posh and Becks, but I think they're all right, you know? Posh Spice, she's incredible, innit? What's she like, a singer, songwriter, dancer, musician, TV presenter, fashion designer, author.
That's amazing, innit, to be shit at seven jobs? I'm a London boy.
London's the best city in the world, innit? Best of everything in London - best pubs, bars, clubs.
Even our transport's the best.
Don't laugh at that, man! We must have the greatest rail replacement bus service I do like going to the countryside every so often.
I'm not ashamed to admit, I pop in my car, I drive and drive, find some empty field in the middle of nowhere, I just get out, just be like Yeah! Yeeaahh! Yeeeaaahhh! This is where I'll dump my fridge.
And head back to civilisation after that, man! Countryside people is mental! Fox hunting? Fox hunting?! What is you on about? If you want to kill a fox, you don't need hundreds of people on horseback and a truckload of dogs.
You need an overflowing bin and a brick! You know, when I was a little bit embarrassed about being a Londoner during them riots, that was crazy times, innit, people? I'm 100% against them rioters.
Unless they're running towards you, then I'm with them all the way.
My area got hit bad, people, you should see the shops on my High Street, it is crazy - looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted, looted Holland & Barrett.
They didn't even lock the doors! "Let's thieve some trainers.
" "Nah, mate, I'm getting myself some Omega 3s!" I saw some mental sights in the riots.
Group of people coming out of Currys, holding a load of televisions, Currys staff chasing down the road after them - "Sto-o-o-o-o-op! "How about an extended warranty?" You know what I love about London Town? We welcome all the people from all around the world, innit.
I bet we's got people from overseas in the house tonight.
Overseas people, show me some love! Loads and loads and loads! What about over there? I saw a few from overseas.
Where you from, geez? Australia? Welcome, Australians! There's so many Aussies in London we've even got nicknames for each other.
You call us Poms, innit? Yeah! We call you racists.
Welcome, you legend, my man.
Do you miss all the beaches and the barbecues and that? Yeah, definitely.
Probably about time you pissed off home, innit.
Jokes, jokes, jokes, you legend! It's just banter.
We'll have a drink in the bar afterwards? Yes! Promise you'll serve me first, though.
Welcome.
Isn't this nice, all the different foreign people? Who else has we got in the house? Legend over there.
Where you from? Wales.
Wales! You idiot! They get well wound up when we call them sheep shaggers, innit? Dunno why you don't just stop it, but there you go.
Welcome, geez.
I've been to Wales, it's a nice place.
There's even like a time difference, which I couldn't believe.
Yes, I was in Swansea, they're about eight years behind.
Welcome to Wales, man! Who else has we got? In't this nice? What's that, you legend? Kenya! Kenya? Aw, welcome, you legend! I've got African relatives of my own, I feel like there's a bond there.
I never knew I had African relatives until I got an e-mail out of the blue about two weeks ago.
Welcome.
I love it all, man, all the different cultures, all the different things.
Different accents, ain't that fun? I hear different accents, I think of different things.
I hear an Australian accent, I'm thinking, sport.
I hear an Italian accent, I'm thinking, food.
I hear an Indian accent, I think, I'm about to be put on hold.
Aw, people, I's got to get going now, people! I've got to get home to my little boy, we're in the middle of a game of hide and seek.
And back to my new baby girl, yes! Yes! Can't wait for that, man, innit.
Innit a miracle, ain't creating a baby the biggest miracle in the whole wide world? Innit? I just keep thinking, how did my one little sperm manage to find its way to my missus's egg? I came on her tits, for hell's sake! People, I's been Lee Nelson, you's been a bunch of legends.
Spread the love, London! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Lee Nelson there! You've been a fantastic crowd.
Put your hands together Ed Byrne, Lee Nelson, my name's Sean Lock, thank you very much, and good night!