M*A*S*H (MASH) s07e02 Episode Script

[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention, all personnel.
This is absolutely the final call for morning formation.
Those survivors oflast night's three-day party who have not already fallen please fall in.
Margaret, you know regulations.
What are you doing out here with clean clothes and no beard? - Enjoying the most beautiful morning I've seen in weeks.
- Where? Oh, the sun's gonna ruin my comb-out.
Just what this country needs a good one-cent cigar.
- [Blowing Whistle.]
- [All Groaning.]
- [Grumbling.]
- Radar.
You'll get it back after the war.
Company, ten-hut! Thank you, Major.
As you were.
Good morning, people.
Two announcements.
First - Yes, pierce? - I move for adjournment.
Of course you do.
First, now that we've moved the gasoline next to the latrine there will be no smoking in there.
Anyone caught will get what's left of his butt kicked.
Safety first.
And now this cheery bit of news.
Last couple of weeks it looked like we might be getting a break in the peace talks that we might all be going home.
No such luck.
Those red-tape worms up at Panmunjom are stuck again.
We're back at square one.
- [Grumbling.]
- It's never gonna stop! All right, I know, but remember, nobody's here for the duration.
When you've got enough service points, the army will rotate you home.
In the meantime, let's pull together, do the best we can and, uh Aw, you know the rest of the song.
- Radar, let 'em go.
- Yes, sir.
Company, ten-hut! Dismissed.
I love it.
Peace talks.
They talk and we get blown to pieces.
Ah, these shortsighted men of great vision.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Do you naive little boys really think that all the parties concerned have to do is shake hands and make nice? It's futile, children.
- Stamping your little feet is not gonna help.
- You're right, Charles.
Heck, it's a big, bright, beautiful world we live in.
[Jet passes Overhead.]
Morning, Captains.
Come here and sit with me.
Margaret, what's with all this good cheer? There's a war on.
What happened to "Let a snarl be your umbrella?" Well, it just so happens that I have a date next Saturday with my husband in Tokyo.
Good.
You two can finally fight in person.
I know, I know.
We've had some problems.
We know, we know.
We heard the yelling.
Well, it's all behind us now.
Donald and I have decided that there's nothing we can't settle if we can just sit down and discuss it.
At least your peace talks show some promise.
- [Knocking.]
- Yeah! Come! - Yes, Corporal? - Uh, Major, ma'am before I give you this telegram I'm gonna give you I just want you to know it's not my fault.
Now, listen! I'm just a messenger here, so don't take it out on me - not that you would, but you always do.
- Can I see it? Remember, I had nothing to do Oh, I'm a dead man.
Radar, why are you worried about this? Why should this upset me? You mean you're not mad that your colonel-husband can't meet you? Of course not.
He's only been transferred to San Francisco for a week.
It's an emergency.
Yeah, but you had plans.
You were going to Tokyo.
So we'll meet when he gets back.
There'll be other weekends.
The important thing is we're trying to work things out.
You mind if I, uh, just take another look at this message, ma'am? - You sure you're not even gonna slug me once? - [Laughs.]
- You sure you're not even gonna slug me once? - [Laughs.]
[Man On p.
A.
.]
Attention.
! Attention, all personnel.
Incoming choppers.
On the double, folks.
- Hup.
Let's go.
- Wow! I must've been scared.
I didn't hear 'em.
Choppers! [B.
J.
.]
Look at this guy.
It's gonna take me half an hour to figure out what goes where.
I'd like to see the peace delegates negotiate over that table.
Headline: "Korean War ends.
Both sides capitulate to Captain Benjamin "Holier Than Thou' Pierce.
" Charles, you're walking a steep ledge in a hurricane.
Oh, come off it, Pierce.
You have more rotation points than any of us.
- You have the least cause to gripe.
- Look, Doctor the four or five eternities I've spent putting these kids back together gives me every right I need to complain about this lousy, stinking, rotten war.
And if that still doesn't pass the Winchester Review Board why don't we settle this outside, man to victim? - You'd love that, wouldn't you, Mr.
Pacifist? - You bet I would.
Boys, please! We have enough bloodshed in here already.
- Father, just turn your cheek, huh? - All right.
Shut it off.
I'm in this kid's belly up to my elbows.
I'm not about to pull you people off each other's throats, understood? And the next time someonejumps on the father they're gonna answer to a higher authority Me! Thank you, Colonel, but that's really not necessary.
What do you mean it's not necessary? Don't you tell me what's not necessary! Whoops.
[Exhales.]
Sit down, all of you.
- Actually, I prefer - Sit down! Of course.
I don't like the way things are shaping up in this camp.
Everybody's growling.
It's ugly.
I'm afraid to walk home at night.
This used to be such a good neighborhood.
Well, there'll be some changes made today.
See this smile? You're all gonna wear one just like it.
Hopefully, it'll catch on.
- Surely you don't think - Quiet.
! Smile! And now for you two.
The whole camp follows your lead.
That's why and remember, I'm a colonel I want you to play the game.
You don't have to love it here.
Just tolerate it an awful lot.
That's impossible.
The best I can do is despise the place.
Call it an order! That's what I like to hear.
[Snaps.]
Oh, uh, one more thing.
You might wanna shave and put on a new uniform.
I'm too exhausted.
Maybe the next war.
Do it! Boy, will you feel dandy.
He's right, you know.
You look awful.
Lieutenant Colonel Donald Penobscott.
I wanna know exactly when he's coming back from San Francisco.
It should be sometime next week.
Then look for it.
Clod.
That's right.
Penobscott.
What do you mean he's not due back? He's been assigned there permanently! Are you sure? Who's the jackass who requested that? He did! Himself? [Shouting.]
He requested it himself? [Whistling.]
I see.
You've been very helpful.
Good-bye.
Gee, ma'am.
Thanks a lot for keeping your call within time.
I sure do appreciate that.
- Did you find out when your colonel's coming back? - Yes.
- Yes, I found out everything.
- That's great.
You know something? I really was surprised the way you took that telegram before.
And pardon me for saying so, but you're really a nice person when you're nice.
[Chuckles.]
Hey.
Feel that.
Smoother than a baby's bottom.
Yeah, a baby baboon.
When are you gonna shave off that cheesy mustache? Never.
I like a little rebellion on my face.
Rebellion is one thing.
That's revolting.
Well, I happen to love it.
Don't we, Charles? Nurse Carvelli has a better-looking mustache.
So the truth comes out neither of you has any taste.
- Beej, I'm aghast.
- Okay.
I can understand that about him, but me? I'm the snappiest dresser in this camp.
You? You better change before somebody rolls you up and throws you in the back of the laundry truck.
I get the message.
Will you be happy if I put on a tie? Remember, stripes clash with blood spots.
Look at this bilious schmatte.
Everything here is green.
I'm so sick of green.
You know why they dress us this way, don't you? So we'll blend into the background.
Nobody matters 'cause we all look alike.
Just once I'd like to see some other color.
Like red, for instance.
Not this kind of red.
Red that's rosy.
Red that's cheery.
I'm not asking much.
A red handkerchief.
Red fringe.
I don't know.
A little red alligator on the pocket.
- Something to break things up.
- Like a mustache? - Don't get carried away.
- Excuse the interruption, but is the bar open? - Do I have to change you myself? - I'm working on it.
And when are you gonna get rid of that cheesy mustache? Never! It's either this or I wear a caterpillar under my nose.
- I'd court-martial him.
- So would I, but I hate the paperwork.
Then shoot him.
Humph.
Getting close to that.
Look, I'm in no mood to argue.
- Keep it, Hunnicutt.
- Good.
I hate caterpillars.
- You wanted a drink, Colonel? - We'd all better have one.
Uh-oh.
I hear the bell tolling again.
This is gonna hit everybody hard, especially you, Hawkeye.
With the war trudging on, the army is having a tough time replacing surgeons.
- So be advised that - Don't say it! They upped the rotation points.
Instead of 36 points to get out of here, you now need 45.
I protest! We've been had! Again! - Son, I'm really - [Crash.]
Sorry.
[Shouting.]
Why not 50? 60? Why not a million? - [Grunts.]
- Outta my way, pierce.
! I'm gonna kick every can in this camp! I don't know what Hey, hey! I don't know what set you off, but I'm not in the mood! Of course not.
It means nothing to you that my husband got himself transferred back to San Francisco for good! Margaret, they changed the rules on us again! He ran out on me! We'll be here forever! We'll be here longer than forever! - What do you mean he ran out on you? - He lied to me.
He kept saying we could work things out.
And then to prove it, he went sneaking off.
He couldn't even face me, the dirty, miserable weasel! - What are you gonna do? - Get a divorce, that's what! [Crying.]
Get a divorce.
[Crying Continues.]
Margaret, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
[Sniffles.]
Look at the place I picked to have a marriage! This damn war.
We're helpless here.
We just gotta sit here and take it.
This has gotta stop.
This has gotta stop right now.
Today.
This minute! - What are you doing? Where are you going? - I'm going to Panmunjom.
- What? - I'm going to the peace talks.
- The peace talks? Why? - [Starts Engine.]
To stop the war! You can't do that! Are you crazy? Officer, I'm looking for the peace talks.
Can you help me? Would you state your business here, sir? - You're kidding.
You mean you don't know? - Know what, sir? That there's a very, very sick man up here.
I'm Dr.
Benjamin Franklin Pierce, MASH 4077.
I was told to report to the peace talks immediately.
We just came on, but we weren't notified of anyone needing medical help.
I don't know what the story is, but I just ran every red light in Korea to get here.
Nothing in the log about it.
Fellas, they said it was a matter of life and death.
How about it? - I'll ride up there with him and check this out.
- Fine.
Get in.
- [Starts Engine.]
- And you'll get the toll, won't you? - Then let me go after him! - No way, Jose! You don't leave my sight.
- Did you get through to Panmunjom yet? - No.
- I'm still waiting for Sparky to clear a line.
- Radar, offer him anything except my 20-year-old bottle of Scotch.
- Uh-oh.
- Swell.
- Colonel, I wish a word with you in private.
- Major, I heard and I wanna have a long talk with you about your problem but right now I've gotta cut that wild Indian off at the pass.
- Shall we step into your office? - Right behind you but just for a minute.
All right, Margaret, shoot.
Well, Colonel, as you know, I've decided to divorce that rotten, no-good excuse for a husband of mine.
I know.
How can I help? You can tell me that I'm doing the right thing.
I need you to reassure me that I've suffered enough.
Oh, I hate to see any marriage go kablooey.
But in this case, I'd dump him.
- Dump him? What a terrible thing to say! - But you just finished saying After all, it's not a love affair.
It's a marriage.
That's not something you just throw away.
No.
No, you don't.
- Maybe you should call him - Call him? I will not! Why should I? I was ready to talk and he went crawling off to San Francisco like a frightened worm! - Yeah.
That's what he did.
- You bet that's what he did! Maybe I'm being too hasty.
- Should I give him another chance? - Let me ask you something.
How do you feel about it right here, down in your gut? That's always been my final yardstick.
What do your insides tell you? My insides just don't know! - Colonel, Panmunjom is on.
- Yeah.
In a moment.
Come on, Margaret.
From your gut, what do you wanna do? - Divorce him.
- Then do it! I will! Yeah.
Panmunjom? Right.
Uh, I got the guard gate.
Yeah.
This is the 4077 th MASH.
- Right.
How are you, Guard? - Radar, they're fine.
- Ask 'em about Pierce! - Right.
We're looking for a Captain Benjamin Pierce.
Uh, he's a doctor.
He's in a jeep.
He's wearing doctor stuff.
Yeah.
You've seen him? They've seen him.
- And? And? - Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Right.
And? No kidding? He left there.
- [Exhales Deeply.]
- Whew! To go on ahead.
I don't believe it.
He got in? I thought I'd seen it all.
It's okay, men.
I've arrived.
Everything's gonna be fine.
- Did somebody up here call for a doctor? - Doctor? Why am I the only one who knows what's going on here? Somebody in there is sick and sent for me.
That's all I know.
It's probably General Tomlin.
He's always complaining how this place gives him gastritis.
Gastritis.
See? - Which one is Tomlin? - The fat one with his hand on his belly.
Right.
Thanks.
[Guard.]
Next time, I wish they'd call ahead.
[Exhales Deeply.]
- Hey.
What is this? - Take it easy, General.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- Well, what are you doing? - I'm a doctor.
I'm here for your gastritis.
Sit down.
- Well, I'm feeling a little better today.
- Mm-hmm.
- Who called you? - And just in time too.
- You sticking to boiled chicken and poached eggs? - Yes.
- And lots of buttermilk? - Well, some.
Oh, please, don't let me stop you.
You people have a lot of work to do, you know.
- [Clears Throat.]
- And you're falling behind.
It's a real mess out there, in case you haven't noticed.
Mind if I give you a little hint? Excuse me.
This will just take a second.
Relax.
What you people have to do here is help each other.
"How do we help each other?" You ask, huh? Hey, first you gotta get to know each other and you don't, do you? Listen, um, let me break the ice.
How many of you here are from out of town? How many of you here are here? Come on.
You can tell me.
I'm your doctor! - I think that's quite enough.
- Easy, General.
It's going boom, boom, boom.
- Oh? - I got a great idea.
Why don't we all take hands? - Come on.
Join hands.
Everybody.
Join hands and say, "Howdy!" - [Clears Throat.]
Come on! Everybo Howdy! [Speaking Korean.]
Howdy? That's it! You got it! Okay.
Now, everybody! Howdy! Come on.
Come on! It's just one little word.
You mean you can't even get together on one little word? What's the matter here? I don't understand.
You know what to do.
Why can't you just do it? People are dying out there! You gotta stop it! You can't wait anymore! You can't! Now get back to work and don't make me come here again! It's okay, fellas.
I was just leaving.
General, don't forget.
Buttermilk, lots of buttermilk.
You know, I feel better already.
The nerve of that Pierce.
His patient he picks my one day off to play Don Quixote.
I hope they hang him from the highest windmill.
That's right, Charles.
We all know he went up there just to inconvenience you.
Well, at least that's a legitimate reason.
Here are more X-rays.
Ignore the spot in the lung it's my thumb.
- Any news of Hawkeye, Father? - No but like the prodigal son, I'm sure he'll return.
Must you always spout Scripture, Father? [Chuckles.]
Well, I'm afraid it's an occupational hazard.
The whole camp is crowded into Radar's office waiting for news.
- Good Lord.
You'd think Lindbergh was landing in Paris.
- Let's hope Hawkeye's as lucky.
Gents, we can rest easy.
Pierce talked to the delegates, and he's on his way back.
Oh-ho-ho! He did it! I don't believe it! Seems he spoke his piece and hot-footed it out of there.
Looks like he's home free.
- [Laughs.]
- Submoronic fruitcake.
Colonel, permission to throw that fruitcake a party.
- The biggest, wildest welcome home ever.
- Permission granted.
- The camp may never be the same, Colonel.
- I'm counting on it.
Yoo-hoo! I'm home! Yoo-hoo! I'm home! Howdy, stranger.
New in town? - Beej, is that you? - How do you like it? You think the red socks are too much? What are you doing? Where is everybody? Waiting for their peace delegate, of course.
If you'll follow me What's with the Red Skelton look? What red? It's not red.
It's anti-green.
You wanted things rosy and cheery, so we're making you a little present.
- [LoungeJazz.]
- In your honor, we've designed a new uniform right down to the hair.
- [Laughing.]
- He's back! - [Cheering.]
- I do dream in color! - [Cheering Continues.]
- Ah.
Welcome home, son! - [Laughing.]
- [Laughter Continues.]
- Congratulations! What are you laughing at? This is supposed to cheer you up! - I love it! It's It's insane.
- Exactly! Good heavens! Get the man a drink! - I'll have the red wine.
- Right.
- [Drunkenly.]
Pierce.
Pierce.
- Yes? Yes? - Pierce! Oh, there you are.
- Uh-huh.
Pierce, I have never said this about anyone but myself.
You are a great human being.
Careful, Curly.
You'll hate yourself in the morning.
- Oh, I do now.
- [Laughing.]
- Margaret! - Welcome home, you crazy galoot! I did it! I told them all! You should have seen me.
I was terrific.
Hey, listen, about your divorce, if there's anything I can do to help Best thing that ever happened to me.
The weight of the world is off my shoulders.
I feel like a new woman! It's all coming back the spirit, the confidence.
Oh, that's great! That's fantastic.
That's just what I wanted to hear.
- I'm proud of you, Margaret.
- Oh, my God.
I need a drink.
- Here you go, son.
- [Laughing.]
Boy, you made the bonehead play of all time.
[Laughing.]
But you sure did something for this motley crew.
Hey, you know, folks, I can't put my finger on just who it is but somebody around here looks out of place.
- [Crowd Ohhhing.]
- Oh, wait! You're not gonna do that to me! Wait! Wait a minute! Whoa! - There's no waiting.
- I'll look like a tall Irish setter! [Laughs.]
Any last words? We who are about to dye salute you! [Cheering.]
Stop it right here, Corporal.
- [Engine Stops.]
- [Distant Cheering.]
I'll be a few minutes.
You can use the latrine if you want.
Nah.
I think I'll hold on.
Sounds like they're all in there.
[Guffawing.]
That's the worst-looking dye-job of the bunch.
! What are you talking about? I look great.
- [Laughing.]
- Rhonda Fleming, eat your heart out.
[Laughter Continues.]
- What the hell - Excuse me? - Why does everybody got red hair? - Ohh.
You noticed.
[Chuckles.]
It does sort of stand out, doesn't it? I'm looking for a Colonel Sherman Potter.
He's over there the one drinking with both hands.
Colonel Potter, I'm Major Dean Goss, "l" Corps.
Colonel Sherman Potter! Who are you? My name is Goss"l" Corps.
I'm here from Panmunjom to see your Captain Pierce.
Oh, you are.
I assume this has something to do with the earlier incident that took place up there today, uh, earlier.
Yes, it does.
Now, where is your Captain Pierce? - Yeah, he's the one with the red hair.
- What are you gonna do with him? Yeah, he's innocent and you're not taking him no place.
- Margaret.
- You stay out of this and shut up.
- [Commotion.]
- Come on, people.
Settle down.
- Look, Major, let me explain - Quiet, Pierce.
- At least let me explain what happened - Stand back, son.
You're probably in enough hot water already.
Major, I'll grant you his going up to the peace talks wasn't the brightest thing to do but it had some damn good results back here.
- You tell him! - All of these people have been in this thing for a long, long time.
Doing the kind of work they do day after day with no end in sight it has to get to them.
What Pierce did today was let a few people know we're tired, and we wanna go home.
- [Group Affirming.]
- It was a shot in the arm for all of us.
The defense rests.
You people are really something.
We sure are.
Actually, Captain Pierce, I didn't come here to haul you away.
Why not? I mean, really? I came here to deliver a personal message from General Tomlin.
My gastritis patient.
The general would like you to know, for the record that if he catches you within 20 miles of Panmunjom he will, and I quote, "toss you into the stockade and throw away the key.
" [Group Grumbling.]
Now, off the record, he wishes he were a crazy doctor so he could get away with what you did.
[Scattered Giggles.]
One more thing.
The General would like you to write a diet he can follow to get him through these sessions.
- The pressure's killing him.
- The best thing I can prescribe is a quick end to the war.
- Pierce.
- All right.
I'll have something for you before you leave.
Fine.
In the meantime, it looks like you're having a little party here.
- Would you care to join us? - Well, I don't know.
Do you think I fit in? [Laughter.]
- [Laughter Continues.]
- I don't believe it.
- Today, I believe it! - Take one of these.
That's great.
Where'd you get that done? [Bugle, played poorly.]
[Bugle, played poorly.]
[Continues.]
- Take roll call, Radar.
- Sorry, sir.
[Clears Throat.]
- Colonel Potter, Sherman! - Radar, I'm here.
[Clears Throat.]
Corporal O'Reilly, Walter! - So are you! Get on with it! - Yes, sir.
Major Houlihan-Penobscott, Margaret! That's just Houlihan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, Major Winchester, Charles, E.
! Here, obviously.
Cretin.
Captain Pierce, Benjamin F.
! - Hey, Hawkeye? - Shh.
You'll wake him.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
Captain Hunnicutt, B.
J.
! Yo! Oh-ho.
Ohh.
Lieutenant Mulcahy, Francis, Father! In spirit only.
Corporal Klinger, Max! Here.
Always here.
- [Helicopters Whirring.]
- Corporal Uh-oh.
All right, people.
Here comes the war.
[Engines Starting.]