My Family (2000) s07e02 Episode Script

(SIGHING) Good night - Ben, didn't you notice the candle? - Hmm? Oh Night What did you do that for? - For missing all my signals - Oh, Susan Look, I'm exhausted, okay? Good night Fine Get your precious sleep I suppose it's only natural I mean, you are getting older You're not to blame for your inadequacies Right, let's go I'll show you inadequacies You know what I mean Just prepare yourself for a night of passion, baby A night of passion like no other - Oh, baby I am ready - Mmm-hmm - I am so willing - Mmm-hmm And I am Just not able - Morning - Morning, all - Good morning - That's your opinion It's like a strange parallel dimension where Mrs Harper is actually the grumpy one Sounds like somebody didn't get any sleep last night Oh, I got plenty of sleep Any coffee? Fine, okay I'll get my own on the way to work - Bye-bye - Not now, Ben, I'm too tired Fine - Have a good day - That's not bloody likely That's more like it Janey, what in God's name are you doing? Sending sexy photos to Peter We've been going out three months It's hard to keep the relationship fresh Three months I have fruit older than that Try 29 years What, you and dad never took naughty pictures? Just once in a photo booth We were banned from that Woolworths for six months Well, it's a lot easier these days Yes, Janey's taking being a slapper into the 21 st century Does my mobile even have a camera? Oh, that's so cute Might as well be two tin cans and a piece of string Why don't you get a new one? And have your father moan about the cost for a month? Maybe there could be a little accident staged I don't want your father hurt over a phone - I was talking about the phone - Oh, I see I'd have to replace it if it should accidentally fall off the table Oops! (BEEPS) Still working Janey, did you put sugar in my coffee? (BEEPS) It's still working You have to admit, they don't make them like that any more Die! Why don't you die? Hello? Oh, sorry, Mum, I didn't mean to call you Is this platform six? (BOTH LAUGHING) The old ones never grow old, Henry Now, listen, mate Some bad news, I'm afraid You've got some decay in those old fillings This may hurt a bit I'm on the wrong platform No, no, Henry Hey, hey, hey, come on Come on, in you come Take a seat - Come on Let's get the bib on you - Oh, are we going to eat? (BEN CHUCKLING) - Oh, dear - Oh, they never stop - Here comes the bib - Short but concise Let's get that cotton wool in you there quickly - Listen, Ben - Yeah? - I want to ask you something seriously - Oh You know I married a much younger woman Yes, I think you may have mentioned that, yeah Well, it was fine at first The problem is my wife's getting older now - She's nearly 42 - She's 42? Well, what can you do? I'm having an affair with an even younger woman Right, let's just get the cotton in there, shall we? I'm going to leave my wife Look, Henry, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather not get involved in your personal life I've got one or two problems of my own as it is I hope you don't mind Ah Good, that's good I'm glad you do Yes Anyway, come on How about a bit of Novocaine? No? Okay, fine Well, okay Brave man Right, Henry, open, which you already are So, let's have a look, shall we? I'm warning you, this may hurt a bit Little prod No? That didn't hurt? Okay, fine No, I've never had an affair myself Well, not that I haven't had a few chances, but Blimey, Henry You've got a great tolerance for pain You know, those dental conventions can get a bit wild Oh, yeah, yeah Let me Henry, you must be dead not to feel that Henry Henry, if this is one of your jokes, it's not one of your best Please, Henry Henry Oh, my God Hello, Ben Oh, I see you are busy Just came down to borrow some floss Hello, there Don't worry You're in good hands with this one None of my business, Ben, but doesn't the bib over his face make it harder to work on his teeth? Roger, he's dead Heavens to Murgatroyd! What did you do to him? No, no, no! I didn't kill him, you idiot He just passed away before I got a chance to work on him Oh, thank God I thought you'd finally just snapped Look, Roger, I need your help to get the body into the waiting room before thingy What's her name? You know, my assistant gets back from lunch Now grab the feet I'm not moving the body That's tampering I've seen enough Hetty Wainthropp to know you never move the body Listen, Hetty A dead man in a dental chair, not good for business Now, come on Grab the feet - I will not be an accomplice - Roger! Now, listen, if you don't help me, I'm gonna tell Abi about - You know, the thing - What thing? You know, the thing - I don't know what you're talking about - Yeah? Okay, fine I'll ring Abi It was my first year at school All the other boys were doing it - Roger, I was bluffing - Oh So was I Please don't tell Abi Shut up Just grab the feet Come on After three One, two Oh, Henry I'm amazed he lived as long as he did I'm back Would you pop out and get me some lunch? - Right - Not you, Roger I asked you if you wanted me to bring anything back for you, and you said you weren't hungry and to stop bothering you Yes, but if you were a good assistant, you would have got me some anyway So I'm gonna have to let you go - What? - Yes, you're fired, sacked - Go on On your bike Out Go - Fine - Bye, Roger - Bye - Bye, Henry - Bye - Peter, this is Abi - It's nice to meet you, Abi - I've heard a lot about you - All good, I hope Uh, yeah And this is Alfie - Hi - Come here, you And Michael Am I gonna have to remember this one's name? - Mum, this is Peter - Oh, it's very nice to meet you Oh, let me take a photo of you with my new mobile - How the hell do you do it? - It's easy See this button with the camera on it? Give it a good push Listen, Michael, it took me a year to potty train you, so you can stop with the attitude Where's Dad? I was hoping to introduce him to Peter I don't know He's late It's not like him Maybe he's gone for a drink with Roger - What? - Abi, they don't really socialise No Abi may have a point, Mrs Harper Perhaps they have put aside their differences and reached a mutually affectionate middle ground Roger Roger, would you get a grip? They've taken him away He died of natural causes It's not a problem - What am I gonna tell Abi? - Nothing You tell Abi nothing This is our secret - You're not even gonna tell Susan? - Especially not Susan Believe me, I know her No A dead man cheating on his wife It'll open up a whole can of worms Now, come one Let's go home, please There's a stain on my hands I'll never wash off I'm like Lady Macbeth In more ways than you'll ever know Susan, please, not tonight I'm not in the mood Last night you were too tired Tonight you're not in the mood Normally, all I have to do is yawn and you're all over me I had a bad day at the office You've been acting really strangely ever since you got home You hardly touched your food I wouldn't read too much into that, actually - Is everything all right? - Yeah, yeah, fine You're not hiding something from me, are you? No, of course not Ben, I've lived with you for 29 years Every time you lie, your eyebrows go up They do not So you're not trying to hide something from me? No, course not No, there's no secrets between you and me, Susan (MOBILE RINGING) Hello? Why are you calling me from the kitchen? Because I've got a new phone and I've just programmed you into my speed dial - You're number one - Yeah, I should hope so Why are you ringing me? I just thought you might fancy a cup of tea Yes, I'd love a cup of Why are we talking on the phone? That's a good point I'll put the kettle on (DOORBELL RINGING) - Mr Harper? - Yes I'm Celia I'm sure Henry's talked about me Oh, yeah You must be his - Wife - Wife, yeah, wife Yes, he's talked a lot about you I'm amazed that we haven't met before After all, you two have been playing golf together every Tuesday for nearly 10 years Really, have we? Is it that long? I can't tell you how devastated I am to have lost him Still, he lived life to the full Oh, and then some - He'll be sorely missed - Oh, by so many It is so nice to talk to someone who knew Henry so well Someone I can shed a tear with Oh, look, here's the door I was wondering what his last words were His last words Last words? His last words were His last words were something about a lost filling And, oh, how much he loved you, you know, lifetime together You know, that sort of thing You will let me know if you remember anything else? Of course, of course I'll call you I'll call you, bye - Who was that? - Who was that? What that? Her? Well, um Jehovah's receptionist Receptionist She came for the receptionist job that I'm giving out - And she came to the house? - That's why I turned her down She couldn't even find the surgery So why did you say you'd call her? (STAMMERING) I haven't turned her down yet No, I was gonna call her Why's your voice gone up? It's not gone up I always talk like this Susan, you busy? - I'd like to say yes - Good, because I need your advice You've been round the block a bit Flatter me, why don't you? - I'm worried about Roger - We all are, Abi He's acting really strange He's distant, tense It's like he's hiding something Do you find when you try talking to him about it, - he's deliberately evasive? - Yes What's evasive mean? - Ducking the question - Yes And do you find when you challenge him about it, he's economical with the truth? - Means he's lying - Oh, yes He's seeing someone else, isn't he? I think it's something we might have to face up to (SCOFFING) Well, I'm not gonna let him go without a fight Yes, right Do you know, I read once that your man only strays because you let things get a little bit stale at home You should always be trying to do whatever it takes to freshen things up Sounds a bit drastic (CHUCKLING) Fresh? I'll give you fresh (CAMERA CLICKING) No, they look like a pair of cherry Bakewells Whoa, whoa, whoa Too big Hello, boys I'm too pretty to go to prison I'll be passed round like a plate of chicken Nobody's going to prison, Roger The coroner said he had heart failure He had a history of heart problems, apparently But we moved the body Roger, no crime has been committedyet - Hello, Mr Harper? - Yeah? I'm Stacey I was a close friend of Henry's (ROGER EXCLAIMING) Shut up You must be his golf partner, Tuesdays I hope I'm not intruding I just wanted to see where Henry died - Well, certainly not in that chair - Out Get out Out Get out Sorry He's insane Really upset about Henry And we are all grieving his loss - Did he talk about me? - Oh, yeah All the time Couldn't stop talking about you Stacey this, Stacey that Stacey, Stacey, Stacey I couldn't shut him up, try as I might (SOBBING) - I miss him so much - I'm sure I'm sure you do - Oh, so sorry - It's all right I'll see you outside How about I make you a nice cup of tea? Hmm? So, why don't you just have a nice seat here? I'll be right back, okay? Right back Celia, what are you doing here? - Was I interrupting something? - Yes That was my wife I've just told her the bad news - Was it this one? - What? Was it this chair? - Was it this chair what? - Where Henry passed on Oh, yes Well, to be honest, it was all three He sort of keeled over (SOBBING) (STACEY SOBBING) It's all right, darling I'll be right there Before you go I was wondering if you'd give the eulogy at Henry's funeral He lived for your golf games When he'd get home, he couldn't get the smile off his face Yeah, I bet he couldn't In fact, I was going to give you his golf clubs, but he doesn't seem to have any That's because I have them I've carried them for him and I'll cherish them forever So will you give the eulogy? It would mean so much to me Yes I'll be right there Yes, of course Well, since you put it that way, yes, yes: - You're wonderful - I know Right, off you go Bye-bye (LAUGHING) Oh, that's so lovely I gave her the job - Really? - Hmm That's a sudden change of mind, isn't it? Well, very persistent woman, Susan She's passionate about dentistry I have to go It's just too much We're inundated with receptionists today What are you doing here? I'm here, Ben, because, as you well know, I sent you something earlier - But now I wish to God I hadn't - What? What did you send me? These - Remember these? - Oh, yes Good Take a good look You'll never see them again Door You won't believe what's been going on Peter's been cheating on me Some tart sent him a naked picture of herself on his mobile You can't see her face You can only see her breasts And he insists he has no idea who it is Oh, my God What kind of depraved harlot would do a thing like that? I'm going to call him right now and break it off - Did I leave my phone here last night? - No, no, it must be at your place No No, I'll just call it - Please don't do that - Why not? I don't know (MOBILE RINGING) Oh, Mum What have you done? You'll laugh when I tell you You sent a picture of your breasts to my boyfriend? Please tell me you're joking - It was supposed to go to your father - I'm looking for positives here, Mum Look, a minute ago you thought he was cheating on you You should be happy I'd better go and see Peter Explain what's happened - Please don't tell him they were mine - What else can I say? Well, at lest tell him not to use them as a screensaver Where are you off to? - Work - In your best suit? I've got a lunch Oh, now I get the eyebrows and the voice - Can I just go to work, please? - And the defensive body posture Do you know how insulting this is? I'm going to the surgery now And I suggest you spend the rest of the day trying to control your paranoia, Celia Susan Do you mind if I do the laundry with you, Mrs Harper? I have never heard that question before in this house Back in the village, doing the laundry was a real communal activity We'd all come together and embrace the calming effect of the spin cycle I always say laundry is very, very therapeutic Unless you find a provocative undergarment in your husband's trousers Oh, Peter - Sorry, Janey's not here - I know Janey told me about the picture And I've been staring at it ever since you sent it It's perfect Listen, Peter Really? Thank you Now, look, that was a mistake Delete it Oh, come on, Susan There are no mistakes We're both adults It's obvious you like me and I have to say I'm really attracted to you - I mean, you're gorgeous - Can I stop you there? Firstly, I'm an unhappily, happily married woman Secondly, you're going out with my daughter And, thirdly, if you get that excited about a blurry photo, the real thing would kill you Get out of here Class dismissed Where is he, Roger? (GASPING) - I can't tell you - Stop covering for him I didn't want to get involved in the first place He made me keep the secrets He made me tell the lies Its all secrets and lies, Susan, secrets and lies Roger, where is he? I don't know what's right and wrong any more Where? God have mercy on my soul Abi, what are you doing here? I know what you've been up to, Rog I'm here to freshen things up Don't, Abi I've been scrubbing this chair clean for days to get rid of the evidence - Evidence? - Yes I helped Ben move a dead body from the surgery to the waiting room Oh, is that all? Thank God for that I thought you was cheating on me And let me conclude by saying that Henry was a good man A man who was good He was having a good time A man who loved his wife and his mmm mistakes were many Thank you, Ben Harper, for your comforting words You certainly left us in no doubt as to where he died, which of course was the waiting room and not the surgery - Thank you so much - My pleasure Hello, Ben Do you want to tell me who this really is? This? This is nobody Oh, no? Then whose are these? Those are mine - And who is she? - She's his wife No, I'm his mistress I knew she wasn't your receptionist - You said she was your wife - How dare you say she was your wife! No, Susan, she's not my wife or my mistress She's his mistress No, no And you knew about this? When were you going to tell me? I was going to, but it just didn't come up What's this woman doing with my pants? I found them in his trousers (EXCLAIMS) What have you been doing with my pants? (STAMMERING) I was avoiding any embarrassment And to think that you were Henry's golf partner I've never played golf with Henry in my life - Liar - Oh! You've got his clubs Please, this is the last thing Henry would have wanted Can someone please tell me who Henry is? He was my husband and he loved me He was my lover and he loved me No! He was my boyfriend and he loved me