Not Going Out (2006) s07e02 Episode Script
Christening
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah # Not going out We are not going out.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, hi, Anna.
Come in.
I won't stay, Lucy.
Toby and I just wanted to give you this as a little thank-you for babysitting Jack last night.
You're a total lifesaver.
Oh, it was nothing.
You're only upstairs and he was fast asleep the whole time.
Which was great because it gave me a chance to rifle through your flat, looking at your underwear.
I didn't really do that.
Actually, I also wanted to let you know we're having some people round on Saturday, just after Jack's christening.
So apologies in advance about the noise.
You know what it's like when you've got delinquent teenagers in your flat.
Blokes, eh? They seem to be happy spending the whole day not getting dressed.
In this internet age, there's no need to.
You can do a supermarket shop in the nude.
But it's still a bit unpleasant.
That's what the bloke driving the Ocado van said.
Well, I can see you've got your hands full.
He said THAT as well.
So I'll love you and leave you.
I'm glad he didn't say that.
Anna just popped in to tell us about Jack's christening party this weekend.
Oh, great.
I've never been to a baby's party before.
What's involved? Do we have to bring a bottle? Or breasts? No.
Anna was just warning us about the noise.
She wasn't inviting us.
Oh.
No, of course.
You must pop in for a quick drink, Lucy.
Great.
What's the dress code? Just to be dressed.
Right.
Lovely.
Well, see you Saturday, around two.
There'll be nibbles.
There'd have to be if you're feeding a baby.
Oh, nibbles.
Bye.
Well done.
-What? What do you mean "what"? She's our new neighbour.
We hardly know each other.
She didn't want to invite us to her party and I don't want to go.
So don't go.
-Well, we have to go now.
We're invited.
If we don't go, she'll know we know she doesn't want us to go, and that's why I don't want to go.
What about when the angels spray mustard on to the gazelles? Sorry, I just wanted to give you an insight into what it's like for a man listening to a woman.
All you need to know is that your mouth got us an invite to a party upstairs that I don't want to go to.
And we'll have to sort out a present.
-No, we won't.
Lee, she bought me a bottle of really expensive champagne for two hours' babysitting.
These people expect classy gifts.
All right, stick a tenner in a card.
Shoving money into a card is not acceptable.
Did my auntie's funeral teach you nothing? What do you think is right for a christening party - formal or casual? I want to make the right impression.
He's six months old, Lucy, I don't think he'll remember.
On the parents.
It was hard enough choosing a present.
What did you get in the end? -A bottle of port.
For a baby? It's quite a common present, actually.
You buy port now that matures as the baby grows up.
Oh, yeah, my parents did the same for me, except with a hamster.
It didn't last as long, though, just till I started walking.
Clumsy me.
Do you actually own a pair of trousers? If you've got it, flaunt it.
You know this Christening party starts in a few hours, don't you? All right, let me wake up.
I'm feeling a bit fragile.
I drank a bottle of port that I found in the kitchen last night.
Tell me you didn't.
Well, I'm pretty sure I did.
It's the only thing that explains this weird craving I've got for stilton.
Lee, that was the christening present! You bought alcohol for a baby? I know.
It's not for now, it's for when the child turns 18.
Yeah, cos 18-year-olds love port, don't they? You should see them, hanging round the precinct, off their heads on Cockburn's Special Reserve.
It's an investment.
Well, I think it's about to show some return.
How did I know it was for a christening? Did the teddy bear clutching it not give you any clues? Oh, you can't blame the teddy bear.
It's fine, I'll pop to the off-licence and get another bottle.
Oh, really? That was a very rare vintage bottle of port that I ordered online.
What do you think Bargain Booze is going to offer us, Lee? How do you think the baby will feel about getting Carlsberg Special Brew and a Curly Wurly? The party is in four hours.
We need something quick.
Tenner in -I am not giving them a tenner in a card! I know what we should get.
A plate with a foot on it.
OK, the port was weird, but that's just horrific.
The baby's footprint, on a plate.
There's a shop down the road that does it while you wait.
We'll pretend we're offering to take little Junior out for a walk to help out.
-Really? -Yeah, it's a classic gift combination.
Like flowers and chocolates or brandy and cigars.
Feet and crockery.
OK.
But I hope it's not cheesy.
Oh, I'm sure they wash the foot first.
I hate lying.
Even if it's a white lie.
-Don't worry.
The trick with things like this is to just tread lightly.
HE THUMPS DOOR BABY CRIES Oh good, they're in.
Oh, for the love of God! Toby, get that! Hi, Toby! -Hi, Lucy and, er -Lee.
Lee.
You're a bit early.
I know, but we thought we'd come to see if there's anything we can do to help.
We thought maybe could take Jack for a walk round the block, you know, let you get on with things.
-Right.
Yeah, Jack will be safe with us.
We promise not to find him a girlfriend called Jill and take him up a hill.
Who the hell is it, Toby? We've just got him to sleep.
Oh, it's you, Lucy.
-They're offering to take Jack for a little walk while we're getting ready.
No.
We're fine, thank you.
BABY WAILS But, please, feel free to take one without him.
LOUD BEEPING That'll be the spring rolls burning.
It's no bother, Anna.
We'd be happy to take Jack.
It might be quite handy, actually.
Yeah.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen? We could get him circumcised before the christening.
But we won't.
OK.
A quick walk round the block.
Toby, get Jack.
Thanks, Lucy.
These are his bits and pieces.
We're going round the block, not taking him InterRailing.
The bloody spring rolls are ruined! Can I come with you? Toby! Excuse me, do you do handprints on cups? -Yeah.
Well, you should try washing your hands a bit better.
We actually want a footprint on a plate.
OK.
90 quid.
-90 quid? We said his foot on a plate, not his kidney on a Jet Ski.
That's the price.
-We haven't got much choice, Lee.
Yes, we have.
We can buy a paper plate and a marker pen.
You pay now and collect on Tuesday.
Tuesday? But the sign says, "While You Wait.
" Yeah.
While you wait till Tuesday.
But we need it now.
Is there anything we can do to jump the queue? We're not offering sexual favours.
Well, I am meant to be finishing my shift in ten minutes but I suppose I could stay on and finish it.
For 150 quid.
All right, now I AM offering sexual favours.
How fast can you do it? Depends if he's really in the mood.
I'll take the print now and you can collect the plate in an hour when it's dry.
-Deal.
Oh, hello! I'm Joanne -Anna's friend.
Oh, yeah.
Are you buying a present for the christening? Yeah.
What is it, a book token? It's not that imaginative, I'm afraid.
It's just a case of port.
-A case? Yeah, I didn't know what else to give him.
So you decided on gout.
We've borrowed the baby and went for a footprint on a plate.
Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
You think so? -Yeah! Oh, I wish I'd thought of that.
Anna will adore it.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
See.
Trust in Lee, and he will provide.
Well done.
Right, OK, you wait for the plate and I'll get this little fella back home.
I thought we were going to get him circumcised before the christening? What do you think of THIS dress? I want something that says, "I know I've just popped up for a drink, "but I also realise it's a christening, so I've made an effort.
" Does it say that? No.
What DOES it say? It says, "I'm at a funeral "and I am available.
" Got it! -Oh, great! Go on, then, unwrap it, let's have a proper look.
I was going to say the same thing to you.
See? "Available.
" Oh, that's great.
See, always listen to your Uncle Lee.
It's perfect.
You reckon, do you? -Yeah.
You don't think there's anything unusual about it? No.
That's more or less how I expected it to Bloody hell - it's got six toes! God, it has as well.
-What did you do that for? Because there was a special offer on - buy five, get one free (!) I didn't do it - this is the plate they gave me.
Lee, it's got six toes on it! Didn't you think that was odd? Hmm, I'm pretty sure it's even.
I didn't see it.
I took it away in the wrapping.
Well, why didn't you check it before you brought it home, you idiot? Because I don't know "This Little Piggy, The Extended Version".
Great.
I've got to go to a christening party in two hours and they've messed up the present.
-Or have they? What do you mean? Well, the real question is, has the baby got six toes? No! Well, I don't think so.
It is possible, you know.
Some people do have extra limbs and appendages.
Yeah, in nuclear accidents and Rolf Harris songs.
It's not unusual.
No, that's Tom Jones.
Go back to the shop and ask that man if the baby had six toes.
He was finishing his shift, remember? There'll be someone else there now.
What if we remove a toe? That's barbaric! From the plate.
No.
Because if we remove a toe and it turns out the baby HAS got six toes, that'll be even MORE offensive.
I don't know why you're both going on about his toes, when you've both missed a much, much bigger problem.
What? Oh, no, sorry, that IS how you spell Jack, isn't it? Sorry.
Look, just play safe and get something else.
Oh, but we can't get him something else, can we? Why? -Because you, the man who got us invited in the first place, also told her close friend Joanne that we'd bought a plate with a foot on it.
If she tells Anna and we don't hand a plate over, Anna will know we saw the extra toe and were embarrassed about it, and that will make things even more awkward.
I know! -What? Let's kill Joanne.
You know, this exact thing happened to me once.
This EXACT thing? Well, almost.
Except it wasn't a christening, it was a drive-thru McDonald's.
And it wasn't six toes on a plate, it was a Honda Civic.
So how is it the same thing? Because they were a Greek couple too.
These people aren't Greek.
Oh, right, well, I suppose it's not really the same, then.
Look, the question is, is it a mistake at the shop or has this kid got six toes? Have the parents not said anything to you? No.
But then maybe they've not mentioned it because they're embarrassed about it.
In which case, putting it on a plate would be awful.
Well, then, it's simple, isn't it? We have to find out whether this baby's got six toes or not.
And how are we going to do that? Google Earth.
Where are you going? Lee! Lee, you can't just knock on their door and say, "Has your child got any genetic abnormalities?" All right, we'll sing it.
Lucy, I'm not an idiot.
We're not just going to come straight out and say it.
We do it subtly.
You know me, softly-softly.
HE THUMPS DOOR Lee and Lucy, you're early.
Again.
We thought we'd come round again and see if there's anything else we can do to, er, help? We're fine now.
I'd invite you in but it's chaos in here.
-Oh, don't worry about us, we don't mind.
Oh, look there he is - the little prince.
Yes, but fast asleep.
So -Right.
Likes his milk, does he? Yes.
So, no problems with, er lactose.
No.
Milk's fine.
I'd love to have kids.
It'd be great, wouldn't it - playing games with them? Do you ever play games with this little one? Well, he's only six months old, so Scrabble's a bit one-sided.
Oh, get him to play Lee.
What about pontoon? -Sorry? Well, you know, they learn to count very early on now, don't they? Some even to, er He can't count at all.
Of course he can't.
He's just a beautiful, normal healthy baby.
Right? Exactly.
He's perfect.
Isn't he? Well, it's lovely to see you, as always, but Good swimmer, is he? We haven't really had a chance to take him swimming.
He's too busy with the rock climbing.
It's very hot in there.
In that blanket.
Maybe you should unwrap him? No, no, he's fine.
We like to make sure he's warm.
Yeah, but it's very toastie in here.
It's not like he's going to get frostbite.
And even if he did You know? Look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but we've got a lot on our plate.
Oh, I know THAT feeling.
PHONE RINGS One moment.
What are you doing? The answer to our problem is under that blanket.
I'm going to take a peep while he's asleep.
What if he wakes up? YOU never do.
Well? -He's wearing socks.
Well, take them off.
Quickly.
Stop pulling! It's an all-in-one suit, you idiot.
BABY CRIES What the hell's going on? Where's Toby? Your phone rang.
I think it woke the baby, actually.
Probably some inconsiderate, idiotic buffoon.
-It's your mum.
Give him some more milk.
Hi, Mum.
-If you don't mind letting yourselves out.
Brilliant.
Until now we could have handed the plate over and acted all casual about it, like we hadn't even noticed the extra toe.
But now, as soon as they open it, all this weird behaviour will make sense and it'll be doubly awkward.
Don't blame yourself.
I feel partly responsible.
Hang on - look at this.
You can see the foot.
One, two, three, four, five toes.
See? Problem solved.
It's a mistake at the shop.
No, it's not problem solved because that's his right foot.
We had his left foot done, which you can't see.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, we get another plate done of his right foot.
What? -You can see that the right foot is good.
It is a normal, healthy, British foot with the right amount of toes.
We borrow the baby again, we get the right foot on a plate, all our problems go away.
But what if the left foot HAS got six toes? Well, then, they'll just assume we never saw the left foot.
I suppose.
I guess it would be 50/50.
Exactly.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
DOOR OPENS Oh, you're still here.
Well, we've got a lot to do so if you don't mind BABY CRIES Aw, little Jack there probably recognises our voices.
What's that, little fella? Can we take you for another walk? Of course we can.
Actually he said, "See you later.
" Don't be late.
Or early.
Actually, it WOULD make sense, us taking him for another walk.
You know, give you a chance to do your hair and make-up.
What did you do that for? -Because we're going to get them a new one.
And how are we going to do that without the baby? Because it doesn't have to be their baby.
We can use ANY baby.
Why is it when I'm in sole charge of present-buying I never get to the position where I'm saying, "Use any baby"? It's true, though, we can.
-But what if they stand the baby on the plate and check the real foot against the print? No normal person would do that.
I would.
-See? All right, even if they don't check, where are we going to find a baby at such short notice? I have a cousin.
But she lives in Canada.
And she's 24.
This is not helping.
We need to go out and find a baby - now.
Oh, what, and you think you can just borrow someone's baby off the street, do you? Lucy, you are underestimating my silver-tongued powers of persuasion.
Look, I just need to borrow him for a minute.
I really like children's feet, and I like eating my dinner off them.
I'm not a nutter! What's the matter with these people? We've been here ages, let's just go.
I've had an idea.
Lend me your purse.
Excuse me, madam.
There's been reports of a kidnapping in the area and we need to check the identity of this child by taking some prints.
And you think a Caffe Nero loyalty card entitles you to do that? Weirdo.
Look, I'll be honest with you.
I drank a bottle of port, but it turns out it was a kid's christening present, so we had to get another present and we got his footprint done, only the print turns out to have six toes, and we don't know if the kid's got six toes, and if it has, whether the parents are embarrassed about it or not, but we've still got to give them the plate cos I told her best mate.
If we don't, they're going to think we think the child's a freak, so we need to do the other foot, only we can't get the kid back because the parents now think we're a bit odd.
Do you follow? You bought a bottle of port for a baby? It's a very common present! Look, will you please just save my life and come into this plate shop and let me take a print of your child's foot? I am desperate.
Let me see that ID again.
That'll do nicely, thanks.
God, what a day.
Well, you can stop stressing because we did it.
He might have six toes on his left foot, but we know for a fact he's only got five on his right.
Oh, I see, we're getting so used to hearing about six toes, we're now referring to five as "only", are we? Lee.
And Lucy.
An hour late this time.
It's all or nothing with you two, isn't it? Will you know what they say No, I've got nothing.
Hi, Anna.
How was the service? Well, he cried his head off through the whole thing.
But you can't blame him - he's been out of his routine a lot today, what with one thing and another.
We, er, come bearing gifts for the child.
He's not the baby Jesus.
Well, don't worry.
I'm not a wise man, she's not a virgin.
Too much.
You didn't need to bring a present.
No, it was no trouble whatsoever.
Could not have been any less trouble.
I bet you're like us -Anna buys all the presents.
I never even know what they are.
Oh, no, I can't take all the credit.
It was Lee as well.
I don't want to tread on anyone's ideas.
Well, thanks.
At least it wasn't another bottle of port.
So, all's well that ends well.
For you maybe.
I hope you realise I've bought a bottle of port, two plates, and I gave that woman I am down ã400 now because of all this.
I'll pay you back as soon as I've sold the rights to the script.
How do you mean? Well, if Daniel Day-Lewis can turn his left foot into a 90-minute story, I bet we can get a miniseries out of this.
I hope they can't tell it's not Jack's foot.
Of course they won't.
They'll love it.
They'll be hanging it on their wall before you can say, "Eeny, meeny, miny, miny, miny, miny moe.
" It's just got five dainty little toes, just like this.
Oh, we were just admiring the photo.
He really is a beautiful little thing, isn't he? Not so little now.
That's not Jack.
That's actually me, when I was a baby.
What? We assumed it was Jack.
That's what everybody says.
Peas in a pod.
As babies, we're practically identical.
Apart from one thing, of course.
Apart from what thing? Surely you know.
I thought everyone knew.
We don't know.
Especially with you spending so much time with him.
Do you really not know? Is it that the baby doesn't like keeping people in unnecessary suspense? Jack's got six toes.
Is it just on the one foot? Six on each foot.
Holy shit.
I mean Whatever.
He's perfect.
We often joke about it.
Is it lucky, like a four-leafed clover? Or is it unlucky? Like a six toed foot? Can we have our present back, please? -Sorry? And can we take Jack out for a little walk around the block? You know, just to the shops and back.
No.
-Anna, Lee and Lucy didn't know about Jack's toes.
Um, no, no, they DID know about it.
They've got you a lovely plate with Jack's footprint on.
Oh! That explains why you took him out this morning! Yes.
-What have I always said, Anna? Six toes is nothing to be ashamed of.
And what a lovely way to show it, too.
Absolutely.
Oh, Toby, isn't this a wonderful gift? Oh, it really isn't.
No, Lee's right.
Let's take it back and get something else, you know, let's get something good.
Um, what's a good present, Lee? Port? Yes, port.
Wouldn't port have been great? Don't be silly.
It's perfect.
People get so weird about Jack's toes.
Like they're something to be hidden away and not talked about.
Putting them on a plate is a really nice way of saying, "Hey, he's beautiful in his own way and we're not awkward about this.
" But it can't get you pissed like port.
You know what, we're going to open this now.
SHE SQUEAKS We were going to wait till people had left, but I think this present deserves to be seen by everyone.
Can I have your attention, everyone? This is Lucy and Lee, our neighbours.
Our friends.
Our friends.
And they've got Jack a very special present, which we would like to share with you all on this, our special day.
Say something.
But before you open it, Anna, I just would like to say a few words.
Earlier, Toby said to me, when it comes to choosing gifts, it's always the women that buys the presents.
Well, I'd just like to say, Toby, you were absolutely right! This present is all down to this wonderful lady.
Wait! Before you open it No.
Nothing again.
Sorry.
I got confused.
My friend Daisy told me you were Greek.
BABY CRIES You know what the worst part is? There's a baby up there with 12 toes and I never got a chance to see them.
Oh, that's the worst part, is it? Well, at least you managed to avoid them seeing the plate.
And we managed to slip a tenner in the card before we left.
"We"? All right, now you're ã410 down.
I'll never be able to look them in the eye again.
Me neither.
I'll be too busy looking at their baby's feet.
Anyway, I've got some good news for you.
You know that I said that last night I got a bit drunk and finished off all that port? Yeah, funny enough I do sort of remember that.
Well, it turns out it wasn't the port at all - it was the sherry left over from Christmas.
What? I never touched the port.
Look, it's still here, unopened.
Where are you going? -Well, all this present-choosing has given me an idea.
What? -I'm going to put the shape of your face on a frying pan.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
.
:: PRIJEVODI ONLINE ::.
KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, hi, Anna.
Come in.
I won't stay, Lucy.
Toby and I just wanted to give you this as a little thank-you for babysitting Jack last night.
You're a total lifesaver.
Oh, it was nothing.
You're only upstairs and he was fast asleep the whole time.
Which was great because it gave me a chance to rifle through your flat, looking at your underwear.
I didn't really do that.
Actually, I also wanted to let you know we're having some people round on Saturday, just after Jack's christening.
So apologies in advance about the noise.
You know what it's like when you've got delinquent teenagers in your flat.
Blokes, eh? They seem to be happy spending the whole day not getting dressed.
In this internet age, there's no need to.
You can do a supermarket shop in the nude.
But it's still a bit unpleasant.
That's what the bloke driving the Ocado van said.
Well, I can see you've got your hands full.
He said THAT as well.
So I'll love you and leave you.
I'm glad he didn't say that.
Anna just popped in to tell us about Jack's christening party this weekend.
Oh, great.
I've never been to a baby's party before.
What's involved? Do we have to bring a bottle? Or breasts? No.
Anna was just warning us about the noise.
She wasn't inviting us.
Oh.
No, of course.
You must pop in for a quick drink, Lucy.
Great.
What's the dress code? Just to be dressed.
Right.
Lovely.
Well, see you Saturday, around two.
There'll be nibbles.
There'd have to be if you're feeding a baby.
Oh, nibbles.
Bye.
Well done.
-What? What do you mean "what"? She's our new neighbour.
We hardly know each other.
She didn't want to invite us to her party and I don't want to go.
So don't go.
-Well, we have to go now.
We're invited.
If we don't go, she'll know we know she doesn't want us to go, and that's why I don't want to go.
What about when the angels spray mustard on to the gazelles? Sorry, I just wanted to give you an insight into what it's like for a man listening to a woman.
All you need to know is that your mouth got us an invite to a party upstairs that I don't want to go to.
And we'll have to sort out a present.
-No, we won't.
Lee, she bought me a bottle of really expensive champagne for two hours' babysitting.
These people expect classy gifts.
All right, stick a tenner in a card.
Shoving money into a card is not acceptable.
Did my auntie's funeral teach you nothing? What do you think is right for a christening party - formal or casual? I want to make the right impression.
He's six months old, Lucy, I don't think he'll remember.
On the parents.
It was hard enough choosing a present.
What did you get in the end? -A bottle of port.
For a baby? It's quite a common present, actually.
You buy port now that matures as the baby grows up.
Oh, yeah, my parents did the same for me, except with a hamster.
It didn't last as long, though, just till I started walking.
Clumsy me.
Do you actually own a pair of trousers? If you've got it, flaunt it.
You know this Christening party starts in a few hours, don't you? All right, let me wake up.
I'm feeling a bit fragile.
I drank a bottle of port that I found in the kitchen last night.
Tell me you didn't.
Well, I'm pretty sure I did.
It's the only thing that explains this weird craving I've got for stilton.
Lee, that was the christening present! You bought alcohol for a baby? I know.
It's not for now, it's for when the child turns 18.
Yeah, cos 18-year-olds love port, don't they? You should see them, hanging round the precinct, off their heads on Cockburn's Special Reserve.
It's an investment.
Well, I think it's about to show some return.
How did I know it was for a christening? Did the teddy bear clutching it not give you any clues? Oh, you can't blame the teddy bear.
It's fine, I'll pop to the off-licence and get another bottle.
Oh, really? That was a very rare vintage bottle of port that I ordered online.
What do you think Bargain Booze is going to offer us, Lee? How do you think the baby will feel about getting Carlsberg Special Brew and a Curly Wurly? The party is in four hours.
We need something quick.
Tenner in -I am not giving them a tenner in a card! I know what we should get.
A plate with a foot on it.
OK, the port was weird, but that's just horrific.
The baby's footprint, on a plate.
There's a shop down the road that does it while you wait.
We'll pretend we're offering to take little Junior out for a walk to help out.
-Really? -Yeah, it's a classic gift combination.
Like flowers and chocolates or brandy and cigars.
Feet and crockery.
OK.
But I hope it's not cheesy.
Oh, I'm sure they wash the foot first.
I hate lying.
Even if it's a white lie.
-Don't worry.
The trick with things like this is to just tread lightly.
HE THUMPS DOOR BABY CRIES Oh good, they're in.
Oh, for the love of God! Toby, get that! Hi, Toby! -Hi, Lucy and, er -Lee.
Lee.
You're a bit early.
I know, but we thought we'd come to see if there's anything we can do to help.
We thought maybe could take Jack for a walk round the block, you know, let you get on with things.
-Right.
Yeah, Jack will be safe with us.
We promise not to find him a girlfriend called Jill and take him up a hill.
Who the hell is it, Toby? We've just got him to sleep.
Oh, it's you, Lucy.
-They're offering to take Jack for a little walk while we're getting ready.
No.
We're fine, thank you.
BABY WAILS But, please, feel free to take one without him.
LOUD BEEPING That'll be the spring rolls burning.
It's no bother, Anna.
We'd be happy to take Jack.
It might be quite handy, actually.
Yeah.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen? We could get him circumcised before the christening.
But we won't.
OK.
A quick walk round the block.
Toby, get Jack.
Thanks, Lucy.
These are his bits and pieces.
We're going round the block, not taking him InterRailing.
The bloody spring rolls are ruined! Can I come with you? Toby! Excuse me, do you do handprints on cups? -Yeah.
Well, you should try washing your hands a bit better.
We actually want a footprint on a plate.
OK.
90 quid.
-90 quid? We said his foot on a plate, not his kidney on a Jet Ski.
That's the price.
-We haven't got much choice, Lee.
Yes, we have.
We can buy a paper plate and a marker pen.
You pay now and collect on Tuesday.
Tuesday? But the sign says, "While You Wait.
" Yeah.
While you wait till Tuesday.
But we need it now.
Is there anything we can do to jump the queue? We're not offering sexual favours.
Well, I am meant to be finishing my shift in ten minutes but I suppose I could stay on and finish it.
For 150 quid.
All right, now I AM offering sexual favours.
How fast can you do it? Depends if he's really in the mood.
I'll take the print now and you can collect the plate in an hour when it's dry.
-Deal.
Oh, hello! I'm Joanne -Anna's friend.
Oh, yeah.
Are you buying a present for the christening? Yeah.
What is it, a book token? It's not that imaginative, I'm afraid.
It's just a case of port.
-A case? Yeah, I didn't know what else to give him.
So you decided on gout.
We've borrowed the baby and went for a footprint on a plate.
Oh, that's a brilliant idea.
You think so? -Yeah! Oh, I wish I'd thought of that.
Anna will adore it.
Anyway, I'll see you later.
See.
Trust in Lee, and he will provide.
Well done.
Right, OK, you wait for the plate and I'll get this little fella back home.
I thought we were going to get him circumcised before the christening? What do you think of THIS dress? I want something that says, "I know I've just popped up for a drink, "but I also realise it's a christening, so I've made an effort.
" Does it say that? No.
What DOES it say? It says, "I'm at a funeral "and I am available.
" Got it! -Oh, great! Go on, then, unwrap it, let's have a proper look.
I was going to say the same thing to you.
See? "Available.
" Oh, that's great.
See, always listen to your Uncle Lee.
It's perfect.
You reckon, do you? -Yeah.
You don't think there's anything unusual about it? No.
That's more or less how I expected it to Bloody hell - it's got six toes! God, it has as well.
-What did you do that for? Because there was a special offer on - buy five, get one free (!) I didn't do it - this is the plate they gave me.
Lee, it's got six toes on it! Didn't you think that was odd? Hmm, I'm pretty sure it's even.
I didn't see it.
I took it away in the wrapping.
Well, why didn't you check it before you brought it home, you idiot? Because I don't know "This Little Piggy, The Extended Version".
Great.
I've got to go to a christening party in two hours and they've messed up the present.
-Or have they? What do you mean? Well, the real question is, has the baby got six toes? No! Well, I don't think so.
It is possible, you know.
Some people do have extra limbs and appendages.
Yeah, in nuclear accidents and Rolf Harris songs.
It's not unusual.
No, that's Tom Jones.
Go back to the shop and ask that man if the baby had six toes.
He was finishing his shift, remember? There'll be someone else there now.
What if we remove a toe? That's barbaric! From the plate.
No.
Because if we remove a toe and it turns out the baby HAS got six toes, that'll be even MORE offensive.
I don't know why you're both going on about his toes, when you've both missed a much, much bigger problem.
What? Oh, no, sorry, that IS how you spell Jack, isn't it? Sorry.
Look, just play safe and get something else.
Oh, but we can't get him something else, can we? Why? -Because you, the man who got us invited in the first place, also told her close friend Joanne that we'd bought a plate with a foot on it.
If she tells Anna and we don't hand a plate over, Anna will know we saw the extra toe and were embarrassed about it, and that will make things even more awkward.
I know! -What? Let's kill Joanne.
You know, this exact thing happened to me once.
This EXACT thing? Well, almost.
Except it wasn't a christening, it was a drive-thru McDonald's.
And it wasn't six toes on a plate, it was a Honda Civic.
So how is it the same thing? Because they were a Greek couple too.
These people aren't Greek.
Oh, right, well, I suppose it's not really the same, then.
Look, the question is, is it a mistake at the shop or has this kid got six toes? Have the parents not said anything to you? No.
But then maybe they've not mentioned it because they're embarrassed about it.
In which case, putting it on a plate would be awful.
Well, then, it's simple, isn't it? We have to find out whether this baby's got six toes or not.
And how are we going to do that? Google Earth.
Where are you going? Lee! Lee, you can't just knock on their door and say, "Has your child got any genetic abnormalities?" All right, we'll sing it.
Lucy, I'm not an idiot.
We're not just going to come straight out and say it.
We do it subtly.
You know me, softly-softly.
HE THUMPS DOOR Lee and Lucy, you're early.
Again.
We thought we'd come round again and see if there's anything else we can do to, er, help? We're fine now.
I'd invite you in but it's chaos in here.
-Oh, don't worry about us, we don't mind.
Oh, look there he is - the little prince.
Yes, but fast asleep.
So -Right.
Likes his milk, does he? Yes.
So, no problems with, er lactose.
No.
Milk's fine.
I'd love to have kids.
It'd be great, wouldn't it - playing games with them? Do you ever play games with this little one? Well, he's only six months old, so Scrabble's a bit one-sided.
Oh, get him to play Lee.
What about pontoon? -Sorry? Well, you know, they learn to count very early on now, don't they? Some even to, er He can't count at all.
Of course he can't.
He's just a beautiful, normal healthy baby.
Right? Exactly.
He's perfect.
Isn't he? Well, it's lovely to see you, as always, but Good swimmer, is he? We haven't really had a chance to take him swimming.
He's too busy with the rock climbing.
It's very hot in there.
In that blanket.
Maybe you should unwrap him? No, no, he's fine.
We like to make sure he's warm.
Yeah, but it's very toastie in here.
It's not like he's going to get frostbite.
And even if he did You know? Look, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude but we've got a lot on our plate.
Oh, I know THAT feeling.
PHONE RINGS One moment.
What are you doing? The answer to our problem is under that blanket.
I'm going to take a peep while he's asleep.
What if he wakes up? YOU never do.
Well? -He's wearing socks.
Well, take them off.
Quickly.
Stop pulling! It's an all-in-one suit, you idiot.
BABY CRIES What the hell's going on? Where's Toby? Your phone rang.
I think it woke the baby, actually.
Probably some inconsiderate, idiotic buffoon.
-It's your mum.
Give him some more milk.
Hi, Mum.
-If you don't mind letting yourselves out.
Brilliant.
Until now we could have handed the plate over and acted all casual about it, like we hadn't even noticed the extra toe.
But now, as soon as they open it, all this weird behaviour will make sense and it'll be doubly awkward.
Don't blame yourself.
I feel partly responsible.
Hang on - look at this.
You can see the foot.
One, two, three, four, five toes.
See? Problem solved.
It's a mistake at the shop.
No, it's not problem solved because that's his right foot.
We had his left foot done, which you can't see.
Oh, yeah.
Well, then, we get another plate done of his right foot.
What? -You can see that the right foot is good.
It is a normal, healthy, British foot with the right amount of toes.
We borrow the baby again, we get the right foot on a plate, all our problems go away.
But what if the left foot HAS got six toes? Well, then, they'll just assume we never saw the left foot.
I suppose.
I guess it would be 50/50.
Exactly.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.
DOOR OPENS Oh, you're still here.
Well, we've got a lot to do so if you don't mind BABY CRIES Aw, little Jack there probably recognises our voices.
What's that, little fella? Can we take you for another walk? Of course we can.
Actually he said, "See you later.
" Don't be late.
Or early.
Actually, it WOULD make sense, us taking him for another walk.
You know, give you a chance to do your hair and make-up.
What did you do that for? -Because we're going to get them a new one.
And how are we going to do that without the baby? Because it doesn't have to be their baby.
We can use ANY baby.
Why is it when I'm in sole charge of present-buying I never get to the position where I'm saying, "Use any baby"? It's true, though, we can.
-But what if they stand the baby on the plate and check the real foot against the print? No normal person would do that.
I would.
-See? All right, even if they don't check, where are we going to find a baby at such short notice? I have a cousin.
But she lives in Canada.
And she's 24.
This is not helping.
We need to go out and find a baby - now.
Oh, what, and you think you can just borrow someone's baby off the street, do you? Lucy, you are underestimating my silver-tongued powers of persuasion.
Look, I just need to borrow him for a minute.
I really like children's feet, and I like eating my dinner off them.
I'm not a nutter! What's the matter with these people? We've been here ages, let's just go.
I've had an idea.
Lend me your purse.
Excuse me, madam.
There's been reports of a kidnapping in the area and we need to check the identity of this child by taking some prints.
And you think a Caffe Nero loyalty card entitles you to do that? Weirdo.
Look, I'll be honest with you.
I drank a bottle of port, but it turns out it was a kid's christening present, so we had to get another present and we got his footprint done, only the print turns out to have six toes, and we don't know if the kid's got six toes, and if it has, whether the parents are embarrassed about it or not, but we've still got to give them the plate cos I told her best mate.
If we don't, they're going to think we think the child's a freak, so we need to do the other foot, only we can't get the kid back because the parents now think we're a bit odd.
Do you follow? You bought a bottle of port for a baby? It's a very common present! Look, will you please just save my life and come into this plate shop and let me take a print of your child's foot? I am desperate.
Let me see that ID again.
That'll do nicely, thanks.
God, what a day.
Well, you can stop stressing because we did it.
He might have six toes on his left foot, but we know for a fact he's only got five on his right.
Oh, I see, we're getting so used to hearing about six toes, we're now referring to five as "only", are we? Lee.
And Lucy.
An hour late this time.
It's all or nothing with you two, isn't it? Will you know what they say No, I've got nothing.
Hi, Anna.
How was the service? Well, he cried his head off through the whole thing.
But you can't blame him - he's been out of his routine a lot today, what with one thing and another.
We, er, come bearing gifts for the child.
He's not the baby Jesus.
Well, don't worry.
I'm not a wise man, she's not a virgin.
Too much.
You didn't need to bring a present.
No, it was no trouble whatsoever.
Could not have been any less trouble.
I bet you're like us -Anna buys all the presents.
I never even know what they are.
Oh, no, I can't take all the credit.
It was Lee as well.
I don't want to tread on anyone's ideas.
Well, thanks.
At least it wasn't another bottle of port.
So, all's well that ends well.
For you maybe.
I hope you realise I've bought a bottle of port, two plates, and I gave that woman I am down ã400 now because of all this.
I'll pay you back as soon as I've sold the rights to the script.
How do you mean? Well, if Daniel Day-Lewis can turn his left foot into a 90-minute story, I bet we can get a miniseries out of this.
I hope they can't tell it's not Jack's foot.
Of course they won't.
They'll love it.
They'll be hanging it on their wall before you can say, "Eeny, meeny, miny, miny, miny, miny moe.
" It's just got five dainty little toes, just like this.
Oh, we were just admiring the photo.
He really is a beautiful little thing, isn't he? Not so little now.
That's not Jack.
That's actually me, when I was a baby.
What? We assumed it was Jack.
That's what everybody says.
Peas in a pod.
As babies, we're practically identical.
Apart from one thing, of course.
Apart from what thing? Surely you know.
I thought everyone knew.
We don't know.
Especially with you spending so much time with him.
Do you really not know? Is it that the baby doesn't like keeping people in unnecessary suspense? Jack's got six toes.
Is it just on the one foot? Six on each foot.
Holy shit.
I mean Whatever.
He's perfect.
We often joke about it.
Is it lucky, like a four-leafed clover? Or is it unlucky? Like a six toed foot? Can we have our present back, please? -Sorry? And can we take Jack out for a little walk around the block? You know, just to the shops and back.
No.
-Anna, Lee and Lucy didn't know about Jack's toes.
Um, no, no, they DID know about it.
They've got you a lovely plate with Jack's footprint on.
Oh! That explains why you took him out this morning! Yes.
-What have I always said, Anna? Six toes is nothing to be ashamed of.
And what a lovely way to show it, too.
Absolutely.
Oh, Toby, isn't this a wonderful gift? Oh, it really isn't.
No, Lee's right.
Let's take it back and get something else, you know, let's get something good.
Um, what's a good present, Lee? Port? Yes, port.
Wouldn't port have been great? Don't be silly.
It's perfect.
People get so weird about Jack's toes.
Like they're something to be hidden away and not talked about.
Putting them on a plate is a really nice way of saying, "Hey, he's beautiful in his own way and we're not awkward about this.
" But it can't get you pissed like port.
You know what, we're going to open this now.
SHE SQUEAKS We were going to wait till people had left, but I think this present deserves to be seen by everyone.
Can I have your attention, everyone? This is Lucy and Lee, our neighbours.
Our friends.
Our friends.
And they've got Jack a very special present, which we would like to share with you all on this, our special day.
Say something.
But before you open it, Anna, I just would like to say a few words.
Earlier, Toby said to me, when it comes to choosing gifts, it's always the women that buys the presents.
Well, I'd just like to say, Toby, you were absolutely right! This present is all down to this wonderful lady.
Wait! Before you open it No.
Nothing again.
Sorry.
I got confused.
My friend Daisy told me you were Greek.
BABY CRIES You know what the worst part is? There's a baby up there with 12 toes and I never got a chance to see them.
Oh, that's the worst part, is it? Well, at least you managed to avoid them seeing the plate.
And we managed to slip a tenner in the card before we left.
"We"? All right, now you're ã410 down.
I'll never be able to look them in the eye again.
Me neither.
I'll be too busy looking at their baby's feet.
Anyway, I've got some good news for you.
You know that I said that last night I got a bit drunk and finished off all that port? Yeah, funny enough I do sort of remember that.
Well, it turns out it wasn't the port at all - it was the sherry left over from Christmas.
What? I never touched the port.
Look, it's still here, unopened.
Where are you going? -Well, all this present-choosing has given me an idea.
What? -I'm going to put the shape of your face on a frying pan.
# Yeah, not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # Yeah, not going out We are not going out.
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:: PRIJEVODI ONLINE ::.