Orange Is the New Black s07e02 Episode Script
Just Desserts
1 [CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DJ.]
Let's get this booty-shakin' contest started! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Let's go, y'all.
Show some love for booty number one! Okay.
I like that.
Make some noise for booty number two! [CROWD JEERING.]
Okay.
That look like it hurt.
Make some noise for b b booty number three! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Looks like we got a winner! [WHOOPS.]
Never stop believing in yourself.
Oh! Oh, my God! Like, every guy in here is looking at you right now.
You're like the Nelson Mandela of thirst trapping.
I don't know who that is, but thank you.
- Check it out.
- Ooh.
NBA? Small forward and two guard.
Zero minutes between them, but they both came out of defensive systems and it takes a while to get used to run-and-gun.
Interesting, 'cause I didn't hear anything after I said "NBA", and you didn't say no.
Okay, I'm gonna laugh now.
[LAUGHING.]
- Hi.
- Hi back.
Can we offer you ladies some champagne? - Oh, no.
That's fine - We'll take two.
I thought you were only doing soda with lime 'cause of your parole? I'm not supposed to be in a club either, okay? Fuck a parole.
This is the NBA, girl.
Thank you.
I find that I photograph best in the morning, when the face skin is tightest.
That sounds wonderful.
What am I doing here? Sorry, but it couldn't wait.
This, um, inmate overdose business? It's terrible for PR.
And it is our third inmate death in as many months, and I am facilitating a growth period right now.
It looks bad.
It looks bad.
Do you hear what I'm saying? It just It looks bad.
And we can't have that.
So we need to make some changes.
So, what are you thinking? Extra guards? Additional surveillance equipment? We could bring in a security consultant.
I know this No, we need something bold.
Something distracting.
A shiny object.
I'm replacing you as warden.
You know, you really should never be lit from below.
Makes you look like a monster.
- [WHIMPERING AND CRYING.]
- I know.
Being alive is hard.
I really wanna thank you for the opportunity to earn my keep.
Oh, well, I'm not gonna say I'm not conflicted about it, but, um, it's a good arrangement.
Otherwise, my whole haul from the craft fair would be going to a sitter.
Now, when you warm up the breast milk, make sure to remove the water from the heat before they steam, otherwise it murders all the antibodies.
"Steam is murder".
You know, I'm sorry I haven't been super helpful lately.
[NERI.]
Uh-huh.
It's just that things with Alex are weird.
You know, I thought it was a temporary bump, like a bad vacation or an unsolicited body criticism, but she's missed our last two scheduled calls.
- Uh-huh.
You know how to bathe her, right? - Uh In the sink, warm water, and, uh, don't drown her.
And her socialization group is at 1:00.
I'll text you the address.
"Socialization group".
Yeah.
It's basically just a support group for mommies.
They know all about you.
And don't let Maia breastfeed Goodall.
She's trying to get everyone to round-robin nurse so the babies get more antibodies, but I think it's peculiar.
They know all about me? Do they know that I'm a felon? I don't think so, but to be honest, I I don't really remember anything from the last six weeks.
[EXCLAIMS.]
There you are.
- Do I have to? - Relax.
You'll be fine.
Last week was almost entirely horror stories about episiotomies gone wrong.
Okay.
I am gonna miss you so much! You are smart and funny.
You have wisdom and insight.
You deserve equal pay.
And strength is beauty.
[SNIFFS.]
Ooh.
We missed her cue.
Shit city.
Make sure to change her before she gets a rash.
Okay.
Good luck.
I am trusting you with the most important part of my life.
- Don't forget to wipe front to back.
- Uh-huh.
[SNIFFS.]
Ooh.
I avoided the pig for some of the obvious connotations [YAWNS.]
Hey, miss.
Eating up all the cereal, sitting on your butt, watching TV all day.
How 'bout doing some dishes or something? Make yourself useful.
There's only ten more minutes in this episode.
Finish later.
Go contribute.
Nobody gets a free ride around here.
You get this back when the sink is empty and the dishwasher's full.
You know how lucky you are to even have a dishwasher? You believe these damn kids? Spoiled already! Getting all used to the good life and shit.
Corky? You listening to me? Huh? Oh.
I I'm sorry, honey.
I'm a little out of it this morning.
I gotta run.
Ain't you forgetting something? I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
- What are you doing? - I'm kissing you goodbye.
You forgot this.
[WHISPERING.]
I told you about Daya's friend Daddy, the OD, right? Yeah, thanks for the update.
What am I supposed to do with that? And I told you about all the drug seizures, didn't I? Exactly.
That means bitches in there ain't got drugs now.
That's supply and demand.
Business shit.
Yeah, only the prison is on high alert.
You know what that means? It means that corporate is havin' us doing random drug searches every hour.
I just got an email that Fig is getting transferred because of this.
Now is not the time.
Fig is getting transferred? That means they looking for a new warden.
So? So? You need to step up! You should be running that place.
- You think? - Hell yeah! Just sign a few papers, lockdown.
Anybody could do that shit.
Plus, you're next in line.
Think about how much easier smuggling would be, huh? You better go to corporate and take what's yours.
Warden.
I never even considered that before.
Well, it's a good thing Corky got a businesswoman by his side.
Maybe we can come up with a different pet name for me? ["NIGHT GAMES" BY ALCATRAZZ PLAYING OVER CAR SPEAKERS.]
For Artesian? See the man in the busy street He's almost incomplete Thanks for the ride.
I could buy a new car for what they're asking to fix my transmission.
Hey, no worries.
You can pay me back however you want.
- I'm gonna take the bus tomorrow.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Can't.
Doesn't run early enough to make the morning drug search.
This is such horseshit! Why do I have to come in early to be searched, without pay, when everyone knows who's smuggling? They do? You don't bring in three burritos a day and look like Hellman.
Oh.
So you've been checking out his figure? Ew.
No, I fucking hate that guy.
I wish he'd get caught.
You're talking about him going to prison, you know.
You're not thinking about snitching, are ya? No.
I'm part of the team.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Pena, are you fuckin' vision impaired? You didn't even touch it.
I think my scope's fucked up.
Did you check the part that goes between your legs? Could be there's a rod missing.
Yeah, I'll pull it out and you can see for yourself.
- Maybe suck it.
- [DANTE.]
Okay.
Calm it down, ladies.
I noticed you put a lot of pressure on your shoulder when you fire McCullough, you giving him beauty tips? Mind your own business.
You just wanna make sure that shoulder pressure stays consistent.
That's a good idea.
She can teach you to shoot even more like a pussy.
Hit more of my target than you.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
PFC McCullough.
You know you're not making any friends by showing off like that.
I was only trying to help Pena with his shooting.
That's all fine, but you need these boys to respect you and like you.
You gotta show them you're part of the team.
How do I do that, Sarge? It's my job to prepare you for combat, is it not? So when you're in the combat zone and one of those boys yells "contact", you need to be able to look at every one of them in the eye and know that if they have to put their life on the line for you, there'll be no hesitation.
- So find a way.
- Yes, Sarge.
- Where's my money? - Ugh.
My ear is moist now.
What the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me is you haven't fucking paid me yet.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I need to talk to you about that.
[WHISPERING.]
These random drug searches are making it impossible for me to sell.
So you need to hang on to this until things calm down.
It's only a matter of time before they check in on me, and I am not swallowing this again.
They're searching our lockers twice a day, so you better Tampax that thing before I make like I caught you with it.
I can't tuck it in my undies 'cause I got a really big dick.
Ain't enough room.
Yeah, 'cause that's how guys with really big dicks talk.
You wouldn't believe how big.
So be a good girl and sell the rest of that package, or I'll shove my jumbo dick down your throat, too.
Now I know for sure you're a fuckin' dyke.
Most girls would've creamed at that offer.
- It just doesn't make sense.
- What? Are you gonna eat those little meaty fingers? How can I think about eating little meat fingers when there's so much going on right now? What's going on right now? Did Old Man Frieda finally come out of her cell? No, I am not going to be distracted by Old Man Frieda and her haunted cell.
This is important.
Taystee didn't kill anyone, right? But the court says that she is a murderer.
- So - So fuckin' what? So, the system must have made a mistake! I know, it sounds impossible, but that has to be what happened.
The court system actually made a mistake.
- Oh, shit.
- I know.
Should we call the president? I'm gonna ask somebody if they have his number.
[LOUDLY.]
Hey! Does anybody got the president's number on them? - No? No? - No P-Tuck.
P-Tuck, stop playing "call the president".
This is serious.
The court system actually made a mistake.
Big whoop! The court system always makes mistakes.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, okay.
So you think that everybody here deserves to be here? Yes.
Ethel, she threatened a school bus full of children and one kid had an asthma attack and died.
I didn't know he had asthma.
Mmm-mmm.
Well, Judith, she threw acid in a woman's face.
All right.
What about you? I deserve to be here.
I hurt a boy.
Dylan.
Right, but you're [SIGHS.]
You're crazy.
- I'm - Special-brained.
Whatever.
But do you really think you deserve to be here? I wanna take this time to thank everybody who came out to pay tribute to our friend, our leader, our protector, Daddy.
I know I know she would've appreciated it.
And now Swope has a poem she'd like to share.
[EXHALES.]
"In the twilight of a moon as full and new as the burning sun You enter me with your fingers And when you enter me, slick and smooth Fingers warm like hot breath against my neck" [WHISPERS.]
Where the fuck is Diaz? Would you show up to a memorial service for somebody you poisoned? Saw it in her face when she found out.
Fuckin' nothing.
Yeah, that bitch made a move.
We're gonna have to make a move of our own.
"I explode with the thunderous crack of a thousand tiny hearts Breaking across the greater metropolitan areola".
[SNIFFLING.]
- [DAYANARA.]
What do you want? - I just I just noticed that you wasn't at the memorial service and, like I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't be afraid to acknowledge your grief to people.
It's the first step in moving on.
- Where do you get that bullshit from? - I read it in a pamphlet.
You know, pamphlets really been helping me take my life in a new direction.
They're free in the rec room.
Well, your pamphlet is wrong about my situation.
I ain't welcome down there.
But why would people not want you to go to your own girlfriend's memorial service? [SIGHS.]
Because She made her own decisions.
You cannot blame yourself for this.
Yes, I can.
You didn't make her take those drugs, Daya.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
[WHISPERING.]
Look, I just wanted to teach her a lesson.
I wanted her to stop cheating.
I didn't think she was gonna fuckin' die.
Barb just freaked out when she took it.
- [WHISPERING.]
Do the other girls know? - I think so.
You cannot go down there.
Um [STAMMERING.]
Maybe this is a way out.
- Some more of your pamphlet bullshit? - No, like, for real.
For real.
Look, you can leave this whole gang thing behind.
You could get clean.
You already got a life sentence, right? So you go to the administration and maybe they can transfer you for your own protection.
Send me where? To Ad Seg? To the SHU? It's better than getting shanked, all right? It's worth a shot.
You got somebody in the admin that you trust? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Are you sexy? Are you sexy? - You're a sexy motherfucker! - Yeah, I am.
- You are a sexy motherfucker! Yes! - I am a sexy motherfucker.
Uh, hello? Uh, hi, this is Rick Hopper.
I'd like to be transferred to Linda Ferguson, please.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- You're proficient with Photoshop, yes? - Mmm-hmm.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- This better be important.
- [RICKY.]
Hi, Linda! Um, you know, I can call back if it's a bad time, or [BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Arms folded or unfolded? Unfolded, right? Because I don't wanna look like a local news anchor.
Or do I? Maybe I do.
- I'm waiting, Mr.
Hopper.
- Uh, yeah, I I was I was wondering if you had given any thought to, uh, who you were going to pick to be the next warden.
I see.
Don't worry, Mr.
Hopper, you're at the top of our list.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's great.
I'm at the top of the list.
[STAMMERS.]
That's wonderful.
Uh, yes! [CHUCKLES.]
Speaking of, do you have any recommendations for your replacement as head guard? [STAMMERS.]
Uh, I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Officer Hellman.
Officer Stefanovic.
Uh, honestly, anybody but Alvarez.
Alvarez, huh? A Hispanic could be interesting.
There is a big federal incentive for diversity hires.
Except for he's not really Hispanic, so Great.
So just send me a list of names by this afternoon, and we will get on with the interviews.
- Okay - [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
You're a sexy motherfucker! Ahhh! [KIKI.]
You're not wiping Kellen's ass for me.
You're doing it so that your baby isn't marinating in shit.
Exactly.
Kim won't even do it.
Oh, no.
No.
You can't be serious.
Well, she's very triggered by the smell.
It reminds her of her childhood in India.
Bullshit.
That is straight-up selfishness.
You have to divorce her today.
What about you, Piper? - Me? - Yeah.
Why don't you tell us about yourself? All we know about you is that you're Neri's sister-in-law.
Oh, no.
There's not much to tell.
Oh, please.
We're desperate to live vicariously, okay? So just tell us about all the sex that you're having.
And the drugs.
Well, I haven't done very many drugs lately, because I just I haven't.
And I haven't been having very much sex, because my wife is I'm in a long-distance relationship.
- Where is she? - Far away.
I've seen her once in the last two months.
- Oh, that's hard.
- [PIPER.]
It is.
It's really hard to be in a relationship with someone you never see.
And then there's all this pressure when you finally do see each other.
Exactly! It's like I used to hear it if she didn't get a good night's sleep.
And now I have no idea what she's doing or how she's feeling, and I'm just afraid she might do something reckless.
Well, did you marry someone who does reckless things? When I brought Kellen home, I would not leave Sasha alone with her.
Right? 'Cause I was so afraid.
I don't know what I was afraid of.
That he'd do something I wouldn't do? But I had to remind myself.
I married someone smart.
And I had to trust his judgment, even if it wasn't exactly the way I'd do things.
[MAIA.]
Who wants a turn nursing Nathan? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- All right, listen up! A few quick things, then I'll let you get back to goofing off.
There've been a lot of rumors going around about the place the last couple days, and I wanted to set the record straight.
There are gonna be some administrative changes to the prison.
Interim Warden Figueroa will be leaving us.
- I didn't hear what he said.
- Also, I wanted to inform you all that PolyCon is currently accepting applications for the position of head guard.
If you'd like to be considered, there will be a bin in the break room where you can drop off your application forms.
Are we to understand that there will be two head guards? Not quite.
[DANILO.]
Hopper.
Hopper.
[DIXON.]
Warden Hopper! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - I feel like I can accomplish anything! - [ALL LAUGHING.]
Okay, all right.
Settle down, all right? Nothing is official yet.
And lastly, if you have any information regarding the drugs coming into the prison, be sure to come directly to me.
I appreciate your assistance in keeping this place drug-free.
All right? Now back to work before I make it my first official act to fire the lot of you! I don't know about head guard.
Seems like a headache to me.
Comes with a $65K-a-year Aspirin.
Not bad.
$25K more than we make now? $40,000? Y'all make $8,000 more than me? Well, it's probably because I got military experience.
So do I.
Guess you gotta pay a titty tax.
[DANILO.]
Titty tax.
Ward, can you believe those guys make $40,000? - I'm only pulling in $32,000.
- I make $29,500.
Oh.
- That is fucked up.
- Yeah.
We should go to Hopper and demand equal pay.
Hmm.
Tried that last year.
He said I needed to bring something else to the table.
So I started taking night classes.
"Bring something to the table".
Hmm.
- [DANILO EXCLAIMS.]
- [HELLMAN.]
Whoo! What if I let them know who's smuggling the drugs in here? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
That could be something.
It'd make you a whole lot of enemies, though.
[GRUNTS.]
Guys, you don't gotta do this.
[DANTE.]
No, I read about this in the UCMJ.
When a private first class has a 21st birthday, the offending soldier must submit to be pink-bellied or face an FG Article 15.
- McCullough, get his shirt.
- [MOUTHS.]
No.
- [MCCULLOUGH.]
Sorry.
- Come on.
No.
[GROANS.]
All right.
You're in for it.
- [ALL LAUGHING AND YELLING.]
- [PENA SHOUTING.]
All right, all right, all right.
You've earned your gifts.
Jacobs, Rios, show pink-bellied Pena what he has won.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- [GROANING.]
[DANTE.]
Booze! And more booze! And a shit ton of booze! [ALL CHEERING.]
[STAMMERS.]
I got Pena a present, too.
- What is it? A poem? - [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Uh, thanks? Yeah, thanks for the cash, Grandma.
Hold on.
That's not the present.
Jesus, Grandma, Pena's gonna be 22 by the time this party gets started.
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
Holy shit! You didn't! [ALL LAUGHING.]
- [MARINE.]
Oh, baby! - [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[MARINES WHOOPING.]
Oh, yeah.
Holy fuckin' shit, McCullough.
You snuck a hajji stripper into camp? She's actually a Puerto Rican girl from C Company.
Gave up my whole paycheck to get her to do this.
- Epic.
- Yeah.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! [ALL CHEERING.]
- I'm an outlaw - I'm an outlaw - Quick on the draw - Quick on the draw - Somethin' you've never seen before - You've never seen And I dare a motherfucker to come in my face It's so real, how I feel 'Cause this society that makes a nigga want to kill They sayin' it but I wanna hear it Ooh, baby, you want me? Ooh, baby, you want me? [ALL CHEERING.]
Ooh, baby, you want me? Well, you can get this lap dance here for free Motorboat her! [ALL CHANTING.]
Motorboat! Motorboat! Motorboat! - Okay.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
Yes! [DANTE.]
McCullough.
McCullough? McCullough.
What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you? You're such a fucking douchebag! - Fuck.
- [SCOFFS.]
[PAT.]
"I need you to be clever, Bean.
I need you to think of solutions to problems we haven't seen yet.
I want you to try things that no one has ever tried because they're absolutely stupid".
What do you think of that? Trying stupid solutions? Mom, do I deserve to be here? What makes you ask that, honey? Because I don't know.
Do you remember the talk we had before your trial? Where we said that you did something you weren't supposed to, and Dylan got hurt, and the judge was going to tell us how you could make it up to Dylan's family? Mmm But I didn't know.
I I didn't know I was kidnapping.
I was just trying to make friends.
And when I reached for him, I was trying to help him.
I didn't know he was gonna fall.
I know that, Suzanne.
But you think I deserve to be here for 15 years? Well, honey, it's complicated.
But it was an accident.
Sometimes, accidents have legal consequences.
So you do think I deserve to be here.
You deserve to be in a facility that can help you with your cognitive difference.
But I'm not, Mom.
I'm here.
And I'm asking you, do you think, if it was an accident and I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry, was that fair? Or did the judge make a mistake? No, you don't deserve to be here.
It's not fair.
[CAPUTO.]
And the last theory is retribuvi "Retrivibi" "Retribuvitism"? [GROANS.]
I was a freakin' warden.
I never said that word.
The retribution, one basically says that people who commit crimes should be punished because they deserve it.
No other reason.
Uh, theories of - [BELL RINGING.]
- All right, I guess you're dismissed.
Don't forget, your paragraphs on what prison means to you are due Friday.
Uh, and I want real paragraphs this time.
More than three sentences.
[WOMAN.]
Would you? He's, like, an older man who's teaching me things, so obviously.
Mr.
Caputo, can we talk for a sec? I gotta go cook dinner, feed the beast that is my girlfriend.
But walk with me.
How am I doing? Be honest.
Uh, it's it's getting better, definitely.
I'm not sure the overhead projector thing is connecting, though.
Right.
No, that's good.
That's good feedback.
I'll check with a few other students, see if they feel the same way before I start messing with the formula.
I wanted to talk to you because the head guard position is opening up, and I'm thinking of going for it.
I think it's a great idea.
Um, they're getting one of the higher-ups from corporate to do interviews.
- Linda Ferguson? - Ferguson? Yeah, got any tips? Yeah, don't say her name three times in a dark bathroom.
- She's what you'd call a soulless bitch.
- Hmm.
And she wears a wig.
Anything useful? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Sorry.
Uh, Linda only cares about the bottom line.
Her favorite phrase is "status quo".
So long as you tell her you'll maintain the status quo while cutting costs, you're golden.
Toe the company line.
Don't make any waves.
You're gonna do great.
Thanks.
For the advice.
And it's "retributivism"! "Tivism", not "vitism".
Huh.
Where the fuck did you come from? - I just ruined you for life.
- Mmm.
I think you might be right.
I'm sprung.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can tell.
The way you were cumming like a junior high schooler and shit.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
How is it possible I never saw you at that club before? You wasn't looking hard enough.
No way.
I come to New York a lot during the off-season.
It's weird I never saw you.
Well, I I been in Ohio.
What part? I got cousins there.
- I've been traveling, too.
So - Hmm.
- Yep.
- Shit! Oh, shit.
I'm late for a meeting.
As soon as I get back, we'll plan some traveling, too.
Buying you a ticket to visit me in LA.
[KISSES.]
Uh, can I think about it? For real? [CHUCKLING.]
Wow.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
Man.
[LINE RINGING.]
[DAISY.]
You saw him again, didn't you? Bitch, I never left.
Oh, my God! You have to tell him to focus on his midrange game.
An explosive first step with a decent pull-up could really help us out Daisy! Stop talking about boring things.
Okay, I need you to tell me that it's okay for me to go visit him in LA.
But you can't leave the state.
But I like him so much.
I'm having feelings I haven't had in a long time.
This is the first time I've felt like a real person since I got out.
Parole, Zaza! They randomly check up on you, right? If you're not where you're supposed to be, they could send you back, right? I I know.
I know that.
But can't I have a weekend where I just Where I don't feel like a fucking criminal? Like, I already did my time, okay? I deserve a weekend away with him.
Look, I gotta go.
If I'm not in the office before Dr.
Maslov, he asks for a hug.
[SCOFFS.]
And he's handsy.
Don't do anything stupid, girl.
So, I heard you went to this Tony Robbins seminar.
Fuckin' yeah, I did.
Still not used to that whole swearing thing.
[NICKY.]
All right.
Well, I'll tell you what I like about that Tony, since we agree that he is definitely not a huckster snake-oil salesman.
I like when he calls the people in the audience pussies.
It's like he's seen their pussies before.
[DOOR UNLOCKS.]
There's no fucking names on any of these.
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
Drop the knife and the baggie now, inmate.
- It's just a butter knife.
- Down on the floor.
Hellman, he's trying to force me to sell drugs for him.
I was just trying to put it in his locker - so I didn't get caught with it.
- Down.
Please.
You have to help me.
What do you think I'm doing in here? I don't want this.
I was gonna bring it to administration, but I knew that nobody would listen.
Please.
Please.
I can't get more time.
I'm not going to ask you again.
[SOBBING.]
It's not for me to decide.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ADEOLA.]
Looking for someone? - What you doing in Tanisha's cell? - Better view.
You'd be surprised what you can get in return for good hooch in here.
Try some while I bend your ear.
My father's recipe.
- Nah, I'm good.
- [SCOFFS.]
It will help with your nerves.
I tell people I'm from Lagos, but I'm really from Ibadan, which is a transportation hub a few hours north.
It's a bit like saying you're from Chicago when you're really from Peoria.
I got a cousin who do that.
You can't say you from the Bronx when you from Mount Vernon.
My father was a leader of the Transport Road Workers Union there, and in a place like Ibadan, where politicians bring weapons to the assembly, a union leader must be clever.
He must know whose hand to shake and whose to chop off at the wrist.
Sounds like your pops was a G.
He taught me to see things clearly.
But he would be disappointed in me.
Because it took me too long to see you clearly.
What is that supposed to mean? Taking out your girlfriend was a dangerous move.
It was also smart.
Daddy took all the credit, but you were bringing the powder in.
So what? What are you saying? I'm saying that if you're now gonna go after the crown, Annalisa and the others, they aren't simply gonna let you take it.
You're gonna need help.
We could run this place.
Maybe.
But I don't know you like that.
Well, sometimes you have to take the leap and see if a net will appear.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
So tell me, why should we hire you as head guard? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Can you rephrase the question? Um, I'm not sure how to do that.
[GINGER.]
You're afraid, aren't you? Afraid to meet your own greatness.
Well, everyone's afraid, Linda.
It's what you do with that fear I ask it to leave my office.
I find you unsettling.
Please leave.
[CHUCKLES.]
Obviously setting aside the M490 Maglock, which we can talk about if you want, but setting that aside, I'll say I've noticed a slight difference between the delayed relock of the RCI 8310 - and the 3101C series.
- Mmm-hmm.
Now don't get me wrong, sometimes you gotta be a little forceful.
But you start from a place of caring, respect, dignity.
That "do unto others" type of stuff.
- That sounds very thoughtful.
- Hmm.
You know, it might be nice to fill the position with someone of your background.
- A sports management degree? - Sure.
Mmm-hmm.
That's great, 'cause I'd really like to overhaul the whole system.
Scorched-earth.
Sweeping personnel changes.
It won't be cheap, but I've heard enough.
You can find your way out.
I've been taking night classes in corrections management for the past year, and I'm confident that I can run a tight ship, keeping costs down while making sure that the prison remains safe in a way that honors the PolyCon brand.
That sounds very status quo.
Now, I understand why you think we should hire you, but I'm curious, why do you want this job? Uh One of my teachers asked me to write a paper about what prison means to me.
And at first I thought it was kind of a stupid topic, but when I really thought about it, I realized that prison is an opportunity.
We get people when they're at their lowest point, which means maybe they'd be willing to try something new.
To change.
And I wanna be part of what helps them change for the better.
You can look at some of these girls and see they're hungry for it.
The majority of them are decent people.
They just want a chance to show it to you.
In the classes, they call what we do a "public good".
Then I figure we owe it to the public to do something good.
It's in the name.
And it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
Then let's do the public best! At a low price point.
Sure.
Gosh, you are so well-spoken but not strident.
Did you grow up in the church? - Yeah, I went to church sometimes.
- It shows.
And I just love the way your hair looks.
It's so [WHISPERING.]
Don't poop, just sleep.
Just sleep.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [EXCLAIMS.]
Hello? [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
- Accept, accept, accept! - To accept the Hi.
Alex? [ALEX.]
Piper? I'm sorry I didn't I'm sorry I didn't call.
Uh, can you speak up? I'm having trouble hearing you.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It's, um Hello? It's just been, like, a rough couple of days.
What's going on? What does that mean? I wanna tell you, but it's just It's [SIGHS.]
It's hard with all these fucking people around.
Alex, you have to tell me what's going on.
It's gonna be impossible to do this if you won't talk to me.
I am all alone out here and [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
You know what? Actually don't tell me.
I trust you.
I know I married a smart woman who is capable of handling herself.
And if you don't wanna tell me, I'm sure that you have a very good reason for it.
I love you, Alex.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I love you, too.
And I promise I'll tell you everything soon.
But can you just tell me about things with you? 'Cause I could really use a distraction.
- Well, um, I started babysitting.
- Yeah? Yeah, and it's making me think I don't want children.
Does that make me a bad person? No, it doesn't make you a bad person.
But who's going to take care of us in our old age? A dog? A very capable dog.
A robot dog.
- [LAUGHING.]
- A robot dog.
That could be the answer.
And that top she was wearing, that was fitted.
But I made it the whole interview without looking at her jagungas.
[HELLMAN.]
Rookie move.
Always make a point of looking at the tatas once, but only once, so she knows you respect her, but you would still definitely bang her.
Well, I hope you boys didn't disappoint, 'cause I told corporate that you two were my top picks for the job.
- You three.
- I fucking owned that interview.
Yeah, you mighta owned it, but I fucked it in the donk like - [RICKY LAUGHS.]
- [MOANING.]
Well, I was in the interview's guts, like [GROANS.]
"You don't get to cum yet.
I tell you when you get to cum".
No, no, but I had to back off a little bit because of how big my dick is.
- It just fuckin' - Yeah, you gotta back off! - I also had sex with the interview.
- [LAUGHING.]
[ALVAREZ MOANS.]
- What are you doing? Stop it.
- It's the interview.
[HELLMAN.]
It looks like he's humping a cantaloupe.
[SNIFFLES AND EXHALES.]
Come on, McCullough.
[ALL MOANING.]
Whoa, whoa! McCullough! Is there anything I can help you with? Or [MCCULLOUGH.]
You guys sleep it off all right? [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Great party, huh? [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, Pena.
What the fuck is wrong with Rios and Jacobs? Maybe they think you'll accuse them of some bullshit.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
All right, load up! Hey, tell them the truth about what happened.
Don't fucking talk to me.
I just spent an hour in the lieutenant's office 'cause of your shit.
You're lucky he understood.
Tell them what you really did, or I will tell them.
Say whatever you want.
They won't believe you.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
Let's move! - [GUN FIRES.]
- [MARINE.]
What the fuck? - [STAFF SERGEANT.]
Contact! Right! - [GUNS FIRING.]
- [STAFF SERGEANT.]
Take cover! - [MARINE.]
What the fuck? [GUNS CONTINUE FIRING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Let's go, Warren.
Keep it moving.
I don't deserve to be here, you know.
Neither do I.
Wait.
This one doesn't have a dessert.
This one doesn't have a dessert either.
And this one doesn't have one either! Calm down.
They must have run out.
[SCOFFS.]
But everyone else got a dessert.
So they should all have dessert.
It's not fair.
I mean, why would you only have some of them that do not have a dessert? Huh? It doesn't make sense.
They should all have a fucking dessert! Fuck! - Oh, man - No, you shut up, Ethel! Warren, you can't take everybody's pudding cup like that.
Why not? What are you gonna do about it? Well, I'm gonna give you a shot.
Go ahead.
[DIXON SIGHS.]
[HELLMAN.]
Hey, you medium cocks still up for drinks tonight? - Fuck yes.
- Yes, sir.
You guys getting drinks tonight? Sort of.
- [WHISPERS.]
Don't forget to invite Dixon.
- [DANILO GRUNTS.]
Yo.
Just got an email from corporate.
[TAMIKA.]
Hello? Uh, "We thank you for your interest, but we regret to inform you that" Motherfuck! Hellman? Same fucking email.
Even though I did the tit check.
It seems I was rejected as well.
Let me guess, Ward.
You're the new head guard.
No, I'm the new warden.
[ALVAREZ.]
That's weird.
Because, remember, you said that you were gonna be the new warden, Hopper.
Remember? You called a meeting and then you said it in front of everybody.
We were all there.
I believe you.
What you said about Hellman.
So I'm giving you two options for what I can do with this incident report.
I can turn it in, you blame Hellman, no one cares.
You get five more years where he makes your life a nightmare.
Or I can rip it up, you start selling for me.
And you get five percent more than he was giving you.
What about Hellman? You're smart.
You'll figure something out.
That's what the five percent is for.
[SIGHS.]
You see, white women, they always stick together.
They only respect who they fear.
So let's make them fear you.
Eeny, meeny, miny Oh, shit! Fuckin' Diaz crawled out of her hole.
Better watch yourself.
moe? Hey, can I ask you something? Ward? Warden? "Warden Ward".
It even sounds ridiculous.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't think they gave it to her because she's a black? Oh, definitely.
No question at all.
If they were gonna go most qualified, no one knows what's happening in this prison better than [INMATES EXCLAIM.]
- [ALVAREZ.]
What? - [GINGER.]
What the fuck? [INMATES EXCLAIMING.]
[HUTTON GROANING.]
[ALVAREZ.]
Inmate down in cell block D! What the fuck y'all looking at? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's almost like we went to LA, right? - No, it's like I went to Bushwick.
- [SCOFFS.]
Cheer up, girl.
You did the right thing.
Better than ending up back in prison.
He'll be back.
No, he won't.
He's an NBA player in LA.
And you're the ass-shaking queen.
He'll be back, Zaza.
I know it.
And you'll be just as in love then.
What's up with the bouncer? Ew.
That's not the kind of cheering up I need.
No, look.
[ICE AGENT 1.]
Up against the wall, right now! Identification! [ICE AGENT 2 SPEAKING SPANISH.]
want to see identification.
- Shit.
I don't have my ID.
- Oh, fuck.
[ICE AGENT 1.]
Up against the wall.
[ICE AGENT 3.]
Hands on the wall.
Hands on the wall.
[ICE AGENT 2 SPEAKING SPANISH.]
No.
I'm a I'm a I'm an American.
I'm a US citizen.
- [ICE AGENT 1.]
Identification! Get it out! - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm an American.
Please.
You have to believe me.
This is a mistake.
Sir? Come on now.
Not up to me.
A moment's march From the beach [HANDCUFFS UNLOCKING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My day is Growing near And here I find No peace at all And here I find No peace at all I hear The summer sounds Silent only we keep on And here I find No peace at all
[THEME SONG PLAYING.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
[CELL DOOR SLAMS.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
[DJ.]
Let's get this booty-shakin' contest started! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Let's go, y'all.
Show some love for booty number one! Okay.
I like that.
Make some noise for booty number two! [CROWD JEERING.]
Okay.
That look like it hurt.
Make some noise for b b booty number three! [CROWD CHEERING.]
Looks like we got a winner! [WHOOPS.]
Never stop believing in yourself.
Oh! Oh, my God! Like, every guy in here is looking at you right now.
You're like the Nelson Mandela of thirst trapping.
I don't know who that is, but thank you.
- Check it out.
- Ooh.
NBA? Small forward and two guard.
Zero minutes between them, but they both came out of defensive systems and it takes a while to get used to run-and-gun.
Interesting, 'cause I didn't hear anything after I said "NBA", and you didn't say no.
Okay, I'm gonna laugh now.
[LAUGHING.]
- Hi.
- Hi back.
Can we offer you ladies some champagne? - Oh, no.
That's fine - We'll take two.
I thought you were only doing soda with lime 'cause of your parole? I'm not supposed to be in a club either, okay? Fuck a parole.
This is the NBA, girl.
Thank you.
I find that I photograph best in the morning, when the face skin is tightest.
That sounds wonderful.
What am I doing here? Sorry, but it couldn't wait.
This, um, inmate overdose business? It's terrible for PR.
And it is our third inmate death in as many months, and I am facilitating a growth period right now.
It looks bad.
It looks bad.
Do you hear what I'm saying? It just It looks bad.
And we can't have that.
So we need to make some changes.
So, what are you thinking? Extra guards? Additional surveillance equipment? We could bring in a security consultant.
I know this No, we need something bold.
Something distracting.
A shiny object.
I'm replacing you as warden.
You know, you really should never be lit from below.
Makes you look like a monster.
- [WHIMPERING AND CRYING.]
- I know.
Being alive is hard.
I really wanna thank you for the opportunity to earn my keep.
Oh, well, I'm not gonna say I'm not conflicted about it, but, um, it's a good arrangement.
Otherwise, my whole haul from the craft fair would be going to a sitter.
Now, when you warm up the breast milk, make sure to remove the water from the heat before they steam, otherwise it murders all the antibodies.
"Steam is murder".
You know, I'm sorry I haven't been super helpful lately.
[NERI.]
Uh-huh.
It's just that things with Alex are weird.
You know, I thought it was a temporary bump, like a bad vacation or an unsolicited body criticism, but she's missed our last two scheduled calls.
- Uh-huh.
You know how to bathe her, right? - Uh In the sink, warm water, and, uh, don't drown her.
And her socialization group is at 1:00.
I'll text you the address.
"Socialization group".
Yeah.
It's basically just a support group for mommies.
They know all about you.
And don't let Maia breastfeed Goodall.
She's trying to get everyone to round-robin nurse so the babies get more antibodies, but I think it's peculiar.
They know all about me? Do they know that I'm a felon? I don't think so, but to be honest, I I don't really remember anything from the last six weeks.
[EXCLAIMS.]
There you are.
- Do I have to? - Relax.
You'll be fine.
Last week was almost entirely horror stories about episiotomies gone wrong.
Okay.
I am gonna miss you so much! You are smart and funny.
You have wisdom and insight.
You deserve equal pay.
And strength is beauty.
[SNIFFS.]
Ooh.
We missed her cue.
Shit city.
Make sure to change her before she gets a rash.
Okay.
Good luck.
I am trusting you with the most important part of my life.
- Don't forget to wipe front to back.
- Uh-huh.
[SNIFFS.]
Ooh.
I avoided the pig for some of the obvious connotations [YAWNS.]
Hey, miss.
Eating up all the cereal, sitting on your butt, watching TV all day.
How 'bout doing some dishes or something? Make yourself useful.
There's only ten more minutes in this episode.
Finish later.
Go contribute.
Nobody gets a free ride around here.
You get this back when the sink is empty and the dishwasher's full.
You know how lucky you are to even have a dishwasher? You believe these damn kids? Spoiled already! Getting all used to the good life and shit.
Corky? You listening to me? Huh? Oh.
I I'm sorry, honey.
I'm a little out of it this morning.
I gotta run.
Ain't you forgetting something? I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.
- What are you doing? - I'm kissing you goodbye.
You forgot this.
[WHISPERING.]
I told you about Daya's friend Daddy, the OD, right? Yeah, thanks for the update.
What am I supposed to do with that? And I told you about all the drug seizures, didn't I? Exactly.
That means bitches in there ain't got drugs now.
That's supply and demand.
Business shit.
Yeah, only the prison is on high alert.
You know what that means? It means that corporate is havin' us doing random drug searches every hour.
I just got an email that Fig is getting transferred because of this.
Now is not the time.
Fig is getting transferred? That means they looking for a new warden.
So? So? You need to step up! You should be running that place.
- You think? - Hell yeah! Just sign a few papers, lockdown.
Anybody could do that shit.
Plus, you're next in line.
Think about how much easier smuggling would be, huh? You better go to corporate and take what's yours.
Warden.
I never even considered that before.
Well, it's a good thing Corky got a businesswoman by his side.
Maybe we can come up with a different pet name for me? ["NIGHT GAMES" BY ALCATRAZZ PLAYING OVER CAR SPEAKERS.]
For Artesian? See the man in the busy street He's almost incomplete Thanks for the ride.
I could buy a new car for what they're asking to fix my transmission.
Hey, no worries.
You can pay me back however you want.
- I'm gonna take the bus tomorrow.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Can't.
Doesn't run early enough to make the morning drug search.
This is such horseshit! Why do I have to come in early to be searched, without pay, when everyone knows who's smuggling? They do? You don't bring in three burritos a day and look like Hellman.
Oh.
So you've been checking out his figure? Ew.
No, I fucking hate that guy.
I wish he'd get caught.
You're talking about him going to prison, you know.
You're not thinking about snitching, are ya? No.
I'm part of the team.
[CHUCKLES.]
Jesus fuckin' Christ, Pena, are you fuckin' vision impaired? You didn't even touch it.
I think my scope's fucked up.
Did you check the part that goes between your legs? Could be there's a rod missing.
Yeah, I'll pull it out and you can see for yourself.
- Maybe suck it.
- [DANTE.]
Okay.
Calm it down, ladies.
I noticed you put a lot of pressure on your shoulder when you fire McCullough, you giving him beauty tips? Mind your own business.
You just wanna make sure that shoulder pressure stays consistent.
That's a good idea.
She can teach you to shoot even more like a pussy.
Hit more of my target than you.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
PFC McCullough.
You know you're not making any friends by showing off like that.
I was only trying to help Pena with his shooting.
That's all fine, but you need these boys to respect you and like you.
You gotta show them you're part of the team.
How do I do that, Sarge? It's my job to prepare you for combat, is it not? So when you're in the combat zone and one of those boys yells "contact", you need to be able to look at every one of them in the eye and know that if they have to put their life on the line for you, there'll be no hesitation.
- So find a way.
- Yes, Sarge.
- Where's my money? - Ugh.
My ear is moist now.
What the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me is you haven't fucking paid me yet.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I need to talk to you about that.
[WHISPERING.]
These random drug searches are making it impossible for me to sell.
So you need to hang on to this until things calm down.
It's only a matter of time before they check in on me, and I am not swallowing this again.
They're searching our lockers twice a day, so you better Tampax that thing before I make like I caught you with it.
I can't tuck it in my undies 'cause I got a really big dick.
Ain't enough room.
Yeah, 'cause that's how guys with really big dicks talk.
You wouldn't believe how big.
So be a good girl and sell the rest of that package, or I'll shove my jumbo dick down your throat, too.
Now I know for sure you're a fuckin' dyke.
Most girls would've creamed at that offer.
- It just doesn't make sense.
- What? Are you gonna eat those little meaty fingers? How can I think about eating little meat fingers when there's so much going on right now? What's going on right now? Did Old Man Frieda finally come out of her cell? No, I am not going to be distracted by Old Man Frieda and her haunted cell.
This is important.
Taystee didn't kill anyone, right? But the court says that she is a murderer.
- So - So fuckin' what? So, the system must have made a mistake! I know, it sounds impossible, but that has to be what happened.
The court system actually made a mistake.
- Oh, shit.
- I know.
Should we call the president? I'm gonna ask somebody if they have his number.
[LOUDLY.]
Hey! Does anybody got the president's number on them? - No? No? - No P-Tuck.
P-Tuck, stop playing "call the president".
This is serious.
The court system actually made a mistake.
Big whoop! The court system always makes mistakes.
[CHUCKLING.]
Oh, yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, okay.
So you think that everybody here deserves to be here? Yes.
Ethel, she threatened a school bus full of children and one kid had an asthma attack and died.
I didn't know he had asthma.
Mmm-mmm.
Well, Judith, she threw acid in a woman's face.
All right.
What about you? I deserve to be here.
I hurt a boy.
Dylan.
Right, but you're [SIGHS.]
You're crazy.
- I'm - Special-brained.
Whatever.
But do you really think you deserve to be here? I wanna take this time to thank everybody who came out to pay tribute to our friend, our leader, our protector, Daddy.
I know I know she would've appreciated it.
And now Swope has a poem she'd like to share.
[EXHALES.]
"In the twilight of a moon as full and new as the burning sun You enter me with your fingers And when you enter me, slick and smooth Fingers warm like hot breath against my neck" [WHISPERS.]
Where the fuck is Diaz? Would you show up to a memorial service for somebody you poisoned? Saw it in her face when she found out.
Fuckin' nothing.
Yeah, that bitch made a move.
We're gonna have to make a move of our own.
"I explode with the thunderous crack of a thousand tiny hearts Breaking across the greater metropolitan areola".
[SNIFFLING.]
- [DAYANARA.]
What do you want? - I just I just noticed that you wasn't at the memorial service and, like I just wanted to tell you that you shouldn't be afraid to acknowledge your grief to people.
It's the first step in moving on.
- Where do you get that bullshit from? - I read it in a pamphlet.
You know, pamphlets really been helping me take my life in a new direction.
They're free in the rec room.
Well, your pamphlet is wrong about my situation.
I ain't welcome down there.
But why would people not want you to go to your own girlfriend's memorial service? [SIGHS.]
Because She made her own decisions.
You cannot blame yourself for this.
Yes, I can.
You didn't make her take those drugs, Daya.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
[WHISPERING.]
Look, I just wanted to teach her a lesson.
I wanted her to stop cheating.
I didn't think she was gonna fuckin' die.
Barb just freaked out when she took it.
- [WHISPERING.]
Do the other girls know? - I think so.
You cannot go down there.
Um [STAMMERING.]
Maybe this is a way out.
- Some more of your pamphlet bullshit? - No, like, for real.
For real.
Look, you can leave this whole gang thing behind.
You could get clean.
You already got a life sentence, right? So you go to the administration and maybe they can transfer you for your own protection.
Send me where? To Ad Seg? To the SHU? It's better than getting shanked, all right? It's worth a shot.
You got somebody in the admin that you trust? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Are you sexy? Are you sexy? - You're a sexy motherfucker! - Yeah, I am.
- You are a sexy motherfucker! Yes! - I am a sexy motherfucker.
Uh, hello? Uh, hi, this is Rick Hopper.
I'd like to be transferred to Linda Ferguson, please.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
- You're proficient with Photoshop, yes? - Mmm-hmm.
- [PHONE RINGS.]
- This better be important.
- [RICKY.]
Hi, Linda! Um, you know, I can call back if it's a bad time, or [BOTH WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY.]
Arms folded or unfolded? Unfolded, right? Because I don't wanna look like a local news anchor.
Or do I? Maybe I do.
- I'm waiting, Mr.
Hopper.
- Uh, yeah, I I was I was wondering if you had given any thought to, uh, who you were going to pick to be the next warden.
I see.
Don't worry, Mr.
Hopper, you're at the top of our list.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's great.
I'm at the top of the list.
[STAMMERS.]
That's wonderful.
Uh, yes! [CHUCKLES.]
Speaking of, do you have any recommendations for your replacement as head guard? [STAMMERS.]
Uh, I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
Officer Hellman.
Officer Stefanovic.
Uh, honestly, anybody but Alvarez.
Alvarez, huh? A Hispanic could be interesting.
There is a big federal incentive for diversity hires.
Except for he's not really Hispanic, so Great.
So just send me a list of names by this afternoon, and we will get on with the interviews.
- Okay - [LINE DISCONNECTS.]
You're a sexy motherfucker! Ahhh! [KIKI.]
You're not wiping Kellen's ass for me.
You're doing it so that your baby isn't marinating in shit.
Exactly.
Kim won't even do it.
Oh, no.
No.
You can't be serious.
Well, she's very triggered by the smell.
It reminds her of her childhood in India.
Bullshit.
That is straight-up selfishness.
You have to divorce her today.
What about you, Piper? - Me? - Yeah.
Why don't you tell us about yourself? All we know about you is that you're Neri's sister-in-law.
Oh, no.
There's not much to tell.
Oh, please.
We're desperate to live vicariously, okay? So just tell us about all the sex that you're having.
And the drugs.
Well, I haven't done very many drugs lately, because I just I haven't.
And I haven't been having very much sex, because my wife is I'm in a long-distance relationship.
- Where is she? - Far away.
I've seen her once in the last two months.
- Oh, that's hard.
- [PIPER.]
It is.
It's really hard to be in a relationship with someone you never see.
And then there's all this pressure when you finally do see each other.
Exactly! It's like I used to hear it if she didn't get a good night's sleep.
And now I have no idea what she's doing or how she's feeling, and I'm just afraid she might do something reckless.
Well, did you marry someone who does reckless things? When I brought Kellen home, I would not leave Sasha alone with her.
Right? 'Cause I was so afraid.
I don't know what I was afraid of.
That he'd do something I wouldn't do? But I had to remind myself.
I married someone smart.
And I had to trust his judgment, even if it wasn't exactly the way I'd do things.
[MAIA.]
Who wants a turn nursing Nathan? - [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
- All right, listen up! A few quick things, then I'll let you get back to goofing off.
There've been a lot of rumors going around about the place the last couple days, and I wanted to set the record straight.
There are gonna be some administrative changes to the prison.
Interim Warden Figueroa will be leaving us.
- I didn't hear what he said.
- Also, I wanted to inform you all that PolyCon is currently accepting applications for the position of head guard.
If you'd like to be considered, there will be a bin in the break room where you can drop off your application forms.
Are we to understand that there will be two head guards? Not quite.
[DANILO.]
Hopper.
Hopper.
[DIXON.]
Warden Hopper! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - I feel like I can accomplish anything! - [ALL LAUGHING.]
Okay, all right.
Settle down, all right? Nothing is official yet.
And lastly, if you have any information regarding the drugs coming into the prison, be sure to come directly to me.
I appreciate your assistance in keeping this place drug-free.
All right? Now back to work before I make it my first official act to fire the lot of you! I don't know about head guard.
Seems like a headache to me.
Comes with a $65K-a-year Aspirin.
Not bad.
$25K more than we make now? $40,000? Y'all make $8,000 more than me? Well, it's probably because I got military experience.
So do I.
Guess you gotta pay a titty tax.
[DANILO.]
Titty tax.
Ward, can you believe those guys make $40,000? - I'm only pulling in $32,000.
- I make $29,500.
Oh.
- That is fucked up.
- Yeah.
We should go to Hopper and demand equal pay.
Hmm.
Tried that last year.
He said I needed to bring something else to the table.
So I started taking night classes.
"Bring something to the table".
Hmm.
- [DANILO EXCLAIMS.]
- [HELLMAN.]
Whoo! What if I let them know who's smuggling the drugs in here? [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
That could be something.
It'd make you a whole lot of enemies, though.
[GRUNTS.]
Guys, you don't gotta do this.
[DANTE.]
No, I read about this in the UCMJ.
When a private first class has a 21st birthday, the offending soldier must submit to be pink-bellied or face an FG Article 15.
- McCullough, get his shirt.
- [MOUTHS.]
No.
- [MCCULLOUGH.]
Sorry.
- Come on.
No.
[GROANS.]
All right.
You're in for it.
- [ALL LAUGHING AND YELLING.]
- [PENA SHOUTING.]
All right, all right, all right.
You've earned your gifts.
Jacobs, Rios, show pink-bellied Pena what he has won.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
- [GROANING.]
[DANTE.]
Booze! And more booze! And a shit ton of booze! [ALL CHEERING.]
[STAMMERS.]
I got Pena a present, too.
- What is it? A poem? - [ALL CHUCKLE.]
Uh, thanks? Yeah, thanks for the cash, Grandma.
Hold on.
That's not the present.
Jesus, Grandma, Pena's gonna be 22 by the time this party gets started.
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING.]
[ALL EXCLAIM.]
Holy shit! You didn't! [ALL LAUGHING.]
- [MARINE.]
Oh, baby! - [WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
[MARINES WHOOPING.]
Oh, yeah.
Holy fuckin' shit, McCullough.
You snuck a hajji stripper into camp? She's actually a Puerto Rican girl from C Company.
Gave up my whole paycheck to get her to do this.
- Epic.
- Yeah.
[ALL CHANTING.]
Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! [ALL CHEERING.]
- I'm an outlaw - I'm an outlaw - Quick on the draw - Quick on the draw - Somethin' you've never seen before - You've never seen And I dare a motherfucker to come in my face It's so real, how I feel 'Cause this society that makes a nigga want to kill They sayin' it but I wanna hear it Ooh, baby, you want me? Ooh, baby, you want me? [ALL CHEERING.]
Ooh, baby, you want me? Well, you can get this lap dance here for free Motorboat her! [ALL CHANTING.]
Motorboat! Motorboat! Motorboat! - Okay.
- [ALL CHEERING.]
Yes! [DANTE.]
McCullough.
McCullough? McCullough.
What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Jesus fucking Christ! What the fuck is wrong with you? You're such a fucking douchebag! - Fuck.
- [SCOFFS.]
[PAT.]
"I need you to be clever, Bean.
I need you to think of solutions to problems we haven't seen yet.
I want you to try things that no one has ever tried because they're absolutely stupid".
What do you think of that? Trying stupid solutions? Mom, do I deserve to be here? What makes you ask that, honey? Because I don't know.
Do you remember the talk we had before your trial? Where we said that you did something you weren't supposed to, and Dylan got hurt, and the judge was going to tell us how you could make it up to Dylan's family? Mmm But I didn't know.
I I didn't know I was kidnapping.
I was just trying to make friends.
And when I reached for him, I was trying to help him.
I didn't know he was gonna fall.
I know that, Suzanne.
But you think I deserve to be here for 15 years? Well, honey, it's complicated.
But it was an accident.
Sometimes, accidents have legal consequences.
So you do think I deserve to be here.
You deserve to be in a facility that can help you with your cognitive difference.
But I'm not, Mom.
I'm here.
And I'm asking you, do you think, if it was an accident and I didn't mean to do it, and I'm sorry, was that fair? Or did the judge make a mistake? No, you don't deserve to be here.
It's not fair.
[CAPUTO.]
And the last theory is retribuvi "Retrivibi" "Retribuvitism"? [GROANS.]
I was a freakin' warden.
I never said that word.
The retribution, one basically says that people who commit crimes should be punished because they deserve it.
No other reason.
Uh, theories of - [BELL RINGING.]
- All right, I guess you're dismissed.
Don't forget, your paragraphs on what prison means to you are due Friday.
Uh, and I want real paragraphs this time.
More than three sentences.
[WOMAN.]
Would you? He's, like, an older man who's teaching me things, so obviously.
Mr.
Caputo, can we talk for a sec? I gotta go cook dinner, feed the beast that is my girlfriend.
But walk with me.
How am I doing? Be honest.
Uh, it's it's getting better, definitely.
I'm not sure the overhead projector thing is connecting, though.
Right.
No, that's good.
That's good feedback.
I'll check with a few other students, see if they feel the same way before I start messing with the formula.
I wanted to talk to you because the head guard position is opening up, and I'm thinking of going for it.
I think it's a great idea.
Um, they're getting one of the higher-ups from corporate to do interviews.
- Linda Ferguson? - Ferguson? Yeah, got any tips? Yeah, don't say her name three times in a dark bathroom.
- She's what you'd call a soulless bitch.
- Hmm.
And she wears a wig.
Anything useful? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Sorry.
Uh, Linda only cares about the bottom line.
Her favorite phrase is "status quo".
So long as you tell her you'll maintain the status quo while cutting costs, you're golden.
Toe the company line.
Don't make any waves.
You're gonna do great.
Thanks.
For the advice.
And it's "retributivism"! "Tivism", not "vitism".
Huh.
Where the fuck did you come from? - I just ruined you for life.
- Mmm.
I think you might be right.
I'm sprung.
[CHUCKLES.]
I can tell.
The way you were cumming like a junior high schooler and shit.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
How is it possible I never saw you at that club before? You wasn't looking hard enough.
No way.
I come to New York a lot during the off-season.
It's weird I never saw you.
Well, I I been in Ohio.
What part? I got cousins there.
- I've been traveling, too.
So - Hmm.
- Yep.
- Shit! Oh, shit.
I'm late for a meeting.
As soon as I get back, we'll plan some traveling, too.
Buying you a ticket to visit me in LA.
[KISSES.]
Uh, can I think about it? For real? [CHUCKLING.]
Wow.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
Man.
[LINE RINGING.]
[DAISY.]
You saw him again, didn't you? Bitch, I never left.
Oh, my God! You have to tell him to focus on his midrange game.
An explosive first step with a decent pull-up could really help us out Daisy! Stop talking about boring things.
Okay, I need you to tell me that it's okay for me to go visit him in LA.
But you can't leave the state.
But I like him so much.
I'm having feelings I haven't had in a long time.
This is the first time I've felt like a real person since I got out.
Parole, Zaza! They randomly check up on you, right? If you're not where you're supposed to be, they could send you back, right? I I know.
I know that.
But can't I have a weekend where I just Where I don't feel like a fucking criminal? Like, I already did my time, okay? I deserve a weekend away with him.
Look, I gotta go.
If I'm not in the office before Dr.
Maslov, he asks for a hug.
[SCOFFS.]
And he's handsy.
Don't do anything stupid, girl.
So, I heard you went to this Tony Robbins seminar.
Fuckin' yeah, I did.
Still not used to that whole swearing thing.
[NICKY.]
All right.
Well, I'll tell you what I like about that Tony, since we agree that he is definitely not a huckster snake-oil salesman.
I like when he calls the people in the audience pussies.
It's like he's seen their pussies before.
[DOOR UNLOCKS.]
There's no fucking names on any of these.
[SIGHS.]
Come on.
Drop the knife and the baggie now, inmate.
- It's just a butter knife.
- Down on the floor.
Hellman, he's trying to force me to sell drugs for him.
I was just trying to put it in his locker - so I didn't get caught with it.
- Down.
Please.
You have to help me.
What do you think I'm doing in here? I don't want this.
I was gonna bring it to administration, but I knew that nobody would listen.
Please.
Please.
I can't get more time.
I'm not going to ask you again.
[SOBBING.]
It's not for me to decide.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
[ADEOLA.]
Looking for someone? - What you doing in Tanisha's cell? - Better view.
You'd be surprised what you can get in return for good hooch in here.
Try some while I bend your ear.
My father's recipe.
- Nah, I'm good.
- [SCOFFS.]
It will help with your nerves.
I tell people I'm from Lagos, but I'm really from Ibadan, which is a transportation hub a few hours north.
It's a bit like saying you're from Chicago when you're really from Peoria.
I got a cousin who do that.
You can't say you from the Bronx when you from Mount Vernon.
My father was a leader of the Transport Road Workers Union there, and in a place like Ibadan, where politicians bring weapons to the assembly, a union leader must be clever.
He must know whose hand to shake and whose to chop off at the wrist.
Sounds like your pops was a G.
He taught me to see things clearly.
But he would be disappointed in me.
Because it took me too long to see you clearly.
What is that supposed to mean? Taking out your girlfriend was a dangerous move.
It was also smart.
Daddy took all the credit, but you were bringing the powder in.
So what? What are you saying? I'm saying that if you're now gonna go after the crown, Annalisa and the others, they aren't simply gonna let you take it.
You're gonna need help.
We could run this place.
Maybe.
But I don't know you like that.
Well, sometimes you have to take the leap and see if a net will appear.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
So tell me, why should we hire you as head guard? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
Can you rephrase the question? Um, I'm not sure how to do that.
[GINGER.]
You're afraid, aren't you? Afraid to meet your own greatness.
Well, everyone's afraid, Linda.
It's what you do with that fear I ask it to leave my office.
I find you unsettling.
Please leave.
[CHUCKLES.]
Obviously setting aside the M490 Maglock, which we can talk about if you want, but setting that aside, I'll say I've noticed a slight difference between the delayed relock of the RCI 8310 - and the 3101C series.
- Mmm-hmm.
Now don't get me wrong, sometimes you gotta be a little forceful.
But you start from a place of caring, respect, dignity.
That "do unto others" type of stuff.
- That sounds very thoughtful.
- Hmm.
You know, it might be nice to fill the position with someone of your background.
- A sports management degree? - Sure.
Mmm-hmm.
That's great, 'cause I'd really like to overhaul the whole system.
Scorched-earth.
Sweeping personnel changes.
It won't be cheap, but I've heard enough.
You can find your way out.
I've been taking night classes in corrections management for the past year, and I'm confident that I can run a tight ship, keeping costs down while making sure that the prison remains safe in a way that honors the PolyCon brand.
That sounds very status quo.
Now, I understand why you think we should hire you, but I'm curious, why do you want this job? Uh One of my teachers asked me to write a paper about what prison means to me.
And at first I thought it was kind of a stupid topic, but when I really thought about it, I realized that prison is an opportunity.
We get people when they're at their lowest point, which means maybe they'd be willing to try something new.
To change.
And I wanna be part of what helps them change for the better.
You can look at some of these girls and see they're hungry for it.
The majority of them are decent people.
They just want a chance to show it to you.
In the classes, they call what we do a "public good".
Then I figure we owe it to the public to do something good.
It's in the name.
And it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.
Then let's do the public best! At a low price point.
Sure.
Gosh, you are so well-spoken but not strident.
Did you grow up in the church? - Yeah, I went to church sometimes.
- It shows.
And I just love the way your hair looks.
It's so [WHISPERING.]
Don't poop, just sleep.
Just sleep.
- [CELL PHONE VIBRATES.]
- [EXCLAIMS.]
Hello? [AUTOMATED VOICE.]
An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you.
- Accept, accept, accept! - To accept the Hi.
Alex? [ALEX.]
Piper? I'm sorry I didn't I'm sorry I didn't call.
Uh, can you speak up? I'm having trouble hearing you.
I'm sorry I didn't call.
It's, um Hello? It's just been, like, a rough couple of days.
What's going on? What does that mean? I wanna tell you, but it's just It's [SIGHS.]
It's hard with all these fucking people around.
Alex, you have to tell me what's going on.
It's gonna be impossible to do this if you won't talk to me.
I am all alone out here and [EXHALES DEEPLY.]
You know what? Actually don't tell me.
I trust you.
I know I married a smart woman who is capable of handling herself.
And if you don't wanna tell me, I'm sure that you have a very good reason for it.
I love you, Alex.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I love you, too.
And I promise I'll tell you everything soon.
But can you just tell me about things with you? 'Cause I could really use a distraction.
- Well, um, I started babysitting.
- Yeah? Yeah, and it's making me think I don't want children.
Does that make me a bad person? No, it doesn't make you a bad person.
But who's going to take care of us in our old age? A dog? A very capable dog.
A robot dog.
- [LAUGHING.]
- A robot dog.
That could be the answer.
And that top she was wearing, that was fitted.
But I made it the whole interview without looking at her jagungas.
[HELLMAN.]
Rookie move.
Always make a point of looking at the tatas once, but only once, so she knows you respect her, but you would still definitely bang her.
Well, I hope you boys didn't disappoint, 'cause I told corporate that you two were my top picks for the job.
- You three.
- I fucking owned that interview.
Yeah, you mighta owned it, but I fucked it in the donk like - [RICKY LAUGHS.]
- [MOANING.]
Well, I was in the interview's guts, like [GROANS.]
"You don't get to cum yet.
I tell you when you get to cum".
No, no, but I had to back off a little bit because of how big my dick is.
- It just fuckin' - Yeah, you gotta back off! - I also had sex with the interview.
- [LAUGHING.]
[ALVAREZ MOANS.]
- What are you doing? Stop it.
- It's the interview.
[HELLMAN.]
It looks like he's humping a cantaloupe.
[SNIFFLES AND EXHALES.]
Come on, McCullough.
[ALL MOANING.]
Whoa, whoa! McCullough! Is there anything I can help you with? Or [MCCULLOUGH.]
You guys sleep it off all right? [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Great party, huh? [BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, Pena.
What the fuck is wrong with Rios and Jacobs? Maybe they think you'll accuse them of some bullshit.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
All right, load up! Hey, tell them the truth about what happened.
Don't fucking talk to me.
I just spent an hour in the lieutenant's office 'cause of your shit.
You're lucky he understood.
Tell them what you really did, or I will tell them.
Say whatever you want.
They won't believe you.
[STAFF SERGEANT.]
Let's move! - [GUN FIRES.]
- [MARINE.]
What the fuck? - [STAFF SERGEANT.]
Contact! Right! - [GUNS FIRING.]
- [STAFF SERGEANT.]
Take cover! - [MARINE.]
What the fuck? [GUNS CONTINUE FIRING.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Let's go, Warren.
Keep it moving.
I don't deserve to be here, you know.
Neither do I.
Wait.
This one doesn't have a dessert.
This one doesn't have a dessert either.
And this one doesn't have one either! Calm down.
They must have run out.
[SCOFFS.]
But everyone else got a dessert.
So they should all have dessert.
It's not fair.
I mean, why would you only have some of them that do not have a dessert? Huh? It doesn't make sense.
They should all have a fucking dessert! Fuck! - Oh, man - No, you shut up, Ethel! Warren, you can't take everybody's pudding cup like that.
Why not? What are you gonna do about it? Well, I'm gonna give you a shot.
Go ahead.
[DIXON SIGHS.]
[HELLMAN.]
Hey, you medium cocks still up for drinks tonight? - Fuck yes.
- Yes, sir.
You guys getting drinks tonight? Sort of.
- [WHISPERS.]
Don't forget to invite Dixon.
- [DANILO GRUNTS.]
Yo.
Just got an email from corporate.
[TAMIKA.]
Hello? Uh, "We thank you for your interest, but we regret to inform you that" Motherfuck! Hellman? Same fucking email.
Even though I did the tit check.
It seems I was rejected as well.
Let me guess, Ward.
You're the new head guard.
No, I'm the new warden.
[ALVAREZ.]
That's weird.
Because, remember, you said that you were gonna be the new warden, Hopper.
Remember? You called a meeting and then you said it in front of everybody.
We were all there.
I believe you.
What you said about Hellman.
So I'm giving you two options for what I can do with this incident report.
I can turn it in, you blame Hellman, no one cares.
You get five more years where he makes your life a nightmare.
Or I can rip it up, you start selling for me.
And you get five percent more than he was giving you.
What about Hellman? You're smart.
You'll figure something out.
That's what the five percent is for.
[SIGHS.]
You see, white women, they always stick together.
They only respect who they fear.
So let's make them fear you.
Eeny, meeny, miny Oh, shit! Fuckin' Diaz crawled out of her hole.
Better watch yourself.
moe? Hey, can I ask you something? Ward? Warden? "Warden Ward".
It even sounds ridiculous.
[SCOFFS.]
You don't think they gave it to her because she's a black? Oh, definitely.
No question at all.
If they were gonna go most qualified, no one knows what's happening in this prison better than [INMATES EXCLAIM.]
- [ALVAREZ.]
What? - [GINGER.]
What the fuck? [INMATES EXCLAIMING.]
[HUTTON GROANING.]
[ALVAREZ.]
Inmate down in cell block D! What the fuck y'all looking at? [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Oh, my God.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING.]
It's almost like we went to LA, right? - No, it's like I went to Bushwick.
- [SCOFFS.]
Cheer up, girl.
You did the right thing.
Better than ending up back in prison.
He'll be back.
No, he won't.
He's an NBA player in LA.
And you're the ass-shaking queen.
He'll be back, Zaza.
I know it.
And you'll be just as in love then.
What's up with the bouncer? Ew.
That's not the kind of cheering up I need.
No, look.
[ICE AGENT 1.]
Up against the wall, right now! Identification! [ICE AGENT 2 SPEAKING SPANISH.]
want to see identification.
- Shit.
I don't have my ID.
- Oh, fuck.
[ICE AGENT 1.]
Up against the wall.
[ICE AGENT 3.]
Hands on the wall.
Hands on the wall.
[ICE AGENT 2 SPEAKING SPANISH.]
No.
I'm a I'm a I'm an American.
I'm a US citizen.
- [ICE AGENT 1.]
Identification! Get it out! - [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I'm an American.
Please.
You have to believe me.
This is a mistake.
Sir? Come on now.
Not up to me.
A moment's march From the beach [HANDCUFFS UNLOCKING.]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
My day is Growing near And here I find No peace at all And here I find No peace at all I hear The summer sounds Silent only we keep on And here I find No peace at all