Portlandia (2011) s07e02 Episode Script

1 [pleasant music.]
Andy, there's that feminist bookstore I was telling you about.
Yeah, man, Drew, everyone's talking about feminism.
People are getting together.
They're addressing discrimination-- Black Lives Matter, transgender activists, right? People speaking out about sexual assault.
What I hate about it is that none of it's about us.
None of these movements are about us.
I mean, what is our movement? You know what I mean? I'm telling you, that's why, um, men need safe spaces, too.
The only place I feel safe expressing myself is on social media, you know, under a pseudonym.
Dr.
Man, that-- that's the name I use.
[chuckles.]
My safe space is Reddit.
- You're on Reddit? - Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
Yep, the Internet is like my "Rule of One" zone.
Yeah, I mean, in some ways it kind of feels like we're a minority all of a sudden.
Yeah.
[upbeat rock music.]
both: what about men? what about men? don't forget us you'll regret it what about men? what about men? we're people, too You know, pretty soon every Hollywood movie's gonna be a remake with women in the lead role.
Do you know that more women graduate from college than men? [scoffs.]
Come on.
You know what's really messed up? Only women can have babies.
I want to have a baby.
I want control of my own body.
both: what about men? what about men? don't suppress us it's stresses us what about Doug? what about Dennis? can't we play, too? You want to talk about equality? The Statue of Liberty.
What about our statue? The Statue of Liberty.
Where's our Joe of Arc? I want to be burnt at the stake.
What about the boyfriends of the Women's Rights movement? Yeah, how come we don't know about Harriet Tubman's husband? - Or Eleanor Roosevelt's? - FDR? We only know his initials? both: what about men? what about men? we produce things introduce things written by men invented by men we built this, too I don't need to ask permission to tell you what this heart is wishing you talk about equality then why don't you hold the door for me? we didn't sign up for this competition it's like we're beer, and it's Prohibition you know, I miss those simpler times when men were men and it was all mine this is our time we're in our prime now and nothing's gonna take that away both: what about men? what about men? give him his freedom don't impede him what about what about men? we're telling you [patriotic drums playing.]
Right.
That seemed good, right? Yeah.
Should we, uh, draft a constitution? Yes, but let's do it this time in a way that really favors men.
- Good idea.
- All right.
[Washed Out's "Feel It All Around" playing.]
- I want both.
- Yeah, me too, me too.
- Got to caffeinate.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey.
This is Dax.
Dax, this is Fred.
- Oh, yeah.
- Ah, Dax.
What's up, man? Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hello.
Hey, I'm gonna go move the car real quick.
I parked in the driveway so this little lady wouldn't have to walk so far.
- Thank you.
Mm.
- Be right back.
Okay, bye.
Um What's up? - Isn't he amazing? - That's the guy you're dating? - Yeah.
- I mean me and you, like, we make fun of guys like that.
You make fun of guys like that.
I like it.
- You do? - Yeah.
He's, like, good-looking, like, to the point where it's, like, creepy.
Well, that's weird.
You don't think when a girl's really hot that that's creepy.
Now I'm dating someone good-looking and that's, like, wrong? Yeah, it's wrong.
I mean-- That is such a double standard.
Yeah, I mean, that's why it's a double standard.
It's standard.
Smart girls are supposed to like nerds, not hunks.
No, hot guys like smart girls now.
They think our brains are sexy.
I mean, is he smart? He's not smart.
He's really smart.
And in addition to that, he can, like, lift me up, which turns out I like.
That's what girls like-- to be carried around? Well, it's not the only thing we like.
Oh-- oh, here he is.
- Hi.
- [grunts.]
- Oh, hi, there.
- [both chuckle.]
Hey, Fred, Carrie tells me that you play the drums.
So do I.
[imitates whoosh.]
No, but I started when I was, like, eight years old.
I'm like a drummer drummer.
Nice.
Dude, yeah, I was, like, six.
[both chuckle.]
That's great.
[slapping rhythmically.]
That's-- that's amazing.
[chuckles.]
Nice.
All right, well, see you guys later.
- See you, man.
All right.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Hello.
Hi, Americano, please.
Yeah, I'll take one of those, too.
[percussive music.]
- Sam? - Aubrey.
Hey, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hello.
Hi-- [mumbles indistinctly.]
[both chuckle nervously.]
[mumbles indistinctly.]
[both chuckle nervously.]
You look like your profile pic.
So do you.
- Well - All right.
- Shall we? - Yeah.
Okay.
[door closes.]
So what seems to be the problem? Well I mean, for starters, we just met in the waiting room.
- Mm.
- You know, so I don't really know her last name, what her hobbies are.
Yeah.
That can be tough.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
How do you feel about that, Aubrey? It's weird to not know if he has any brothers or sisters Oh Whether he's youngest or oldest.
Can I talk? [chuckles nervously.]
You sure can.
- In my defense - Mm-hmm.
and I'm just speaking openly, I have a-- an older brother and a younger sister, and she's adopted.
Great.
So we're making really good progress.
Well, I-I guess I do have some questions about the adopted sister.
Okay, so that's more of a-- - a second- or third-date deal.
- Okay.
If he doesn't mind, I-I have a-a basic question that hopefully won't feel like an intrusion.
[groans.]
Uh, where is, uh, he from? I would like to answer that.
I'm from Atlanta.
- Uh - The old Peach State.
That's what we-- that's what we say.
It's called The old Peach State? - That's right.
- Okay, so what do you think of when you think of Atlanta, Georgia? Um rap music, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.
- Um Young Thug, Young Jeezy, TI.
Sam, what do you think about that? You think you could have a conversation with-- with Aubrey about rap music? [somber piano music.]
Could you en-- could you envision that, Sam? Seems like you guys are hitting it off.
No, now, that's a little projective.
I just want to say, if-- Am I allowed to talk You are.
Thank you for asking.
Without being put up on the cross? Okay, that's a little Uh, that when we hugged, it felt very distant.
[chuckles nervously.]
Of course you felt distant, because you patted me.
You-- you bowed.
- [sighs.]
Okay.
- You tried to shake my hand.
Every morning, that's how my dad would greet my mom.
- They would shake hands? - And I saw them.
Like, it would be like a bow and, like, a weird handshake.
They would do it in front of you? [somber piano music.]
Okay.
We are making some progress.
Well, you-- How does-- how does that make you feel? Wait.
Uh, you're not the therapist.
No, he's not.
Or I don't even know.
May-- He might be a therapist, for all I know.
Yeah, you're right.
But I can tell by the way you're dressed that you're-- you don't have any kind of job like that.
Yeah, she's dressed great.
- No.
- By the way he-- you're dressed.
Oh.
Listen I'm not seeing a relationship here.
What I am seeing are two good candidates for a one-night stand.
And, uh, maybe a second round of intercourse in a couple months, after you guys run into each other coincidentally at a bar or a party or a wedding.
I guess we could make out in the parking lot now if you want.
Sure.
We'll see where it goes from there.
- [somber piano music.]
- Um, great.
So, uh, do you take insurance, uh, Blue Cross? - No, mm-mm.
No.
- No? [sinister tone.]
What's up, nerds? I heard a rumor that the hunks are taking over again.
Yeah.
That rumor's true.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
- [sinister tone.]
- Oh, no.
My own four eyes, if you know what I'm talking about.
There's a new kind of hunk.
They're not just guys that, like, beat people up in high school.
They're charming.
They're cool.
They like music.
They're funny.
And they can dance.
- And they can dance! - [sinister tone.]
I'm sorry, but I think the nerd thing-- - it's over.
- No.
Yes.
I-I-- It really feels that way.
I-I think hunks are taking over, and we're gonna be the underdogs again.
I'm not going back.
I won't go back.
All right, we need to calm down.
You can't make me go back.
Well, you got to! You're born a nerd.
You stay a nerd.
- No! - What happened? What happened to that thing we had? Remember how great it was? Like around the time of all the Apatow movies and everything, it was just like, "Yeah, how interesting, whoa" - Yeah.
- "To have a weird body.
To look strange.
" I was in a bar last week, and I was talking to a girl, and I told her that I have clinical depression.
- Always interesting.
- No, she didn't care.
That wasn't even a little bit interesting to her.
That really ticks me off, because believe me, if you were, like, a hunky guy, no offense, she'd be all over you.
What are we gonna do? First of all, let's stop with the comic books.
Wait.
Why? Because hunks are comic-book heroes.
Look at them-- muscular, - popular, saving the world.
- Yeah.
And we're here worshipping them? In comic books, sometimes nerds turn into hunks, and then people like 'em more.
Like Peter Parker before the spider.
Got bitten by a spider.
You know what happens to me when I get bitten by a spider? - I get a rash.
- Yeah, I got stung by a bee, and my arm puffed up like a grapefruit.
- Yeah.
- That's a good story, man.
This is what we have to do.
We have to outsmart them.
You know, they don't know anything.
You think they know what this is and this and this and this? You think a hunk knows where to plug this thing in? - Stupid hunks.
- [scoffs.]
- [chuckles.]
- No, we got to fight them.
- We have to humiliate them.
- Yeah.
Get your friends.
Get your nerd friends.
- Hunks are going down.
- Yeah! - Come on! - Yes.
Guys, when I say let's get out there, you don't have to wrap up all your cor-- Leave it! It'll-- No one's gonna steal it.
[percussive music.]
[engine revving.]
[tires screech.]
[soft dramatic music.]
- Hi, there.
- You called us? Yes.
Dog owners have been letting their pets relieve themselves on my lawn and on the flowers.
- You need a sign.
- Yes.
What do they do? They pee-pee and they poo-poo on your lawn? Both.
Yeah, so we can get some signs maybe going this way and this way and this way.
This is the point of view from here, and I'm sure they're gonna come But I don't want it to come across as passive-aggressive.
See, that's where you have it wrong.
It should be passive-aggressive.
This is the beauty of a sign.
You stay in your house, hang out on the porch and drink wine, while your sign says [fuck you.]
- We're the bad guys.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
"I don't have a dog, but look what I found on my lawn.
" So that means, like, you've got to keep previous, uh, you know, feces or pee spots on the lawn as an example.
Do you think people will get it? - You know what? I'm not sure.
- It's a little challenging.
I'm not sure they will get it.
We're thinking that one through still.
"Excuse me, dog pee kills flowers.
Thank you.
" So the Xs on the eyes mean it's-- it's dead.
It's sad.
It's not passionate.
- It's not passionate.
- Or Okay, well, let's make it passionate.
"Dear dogs, please don't water the plants!" It-- it's ironic 'cause it's saying, "Listen, this isn't water, and it's actually killing the plants.
" [chuckling.]
She doesn't like it.
"Found-- large dog crap.
" We're a fan of this-- an artist friend of ours did this.
- It's actually charming.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm charmed by it.
I'm like, "Oh, this is-- I could be friends with this person.
" Yeah, I-I would actually frame this and put it in my house.
It shows that I have a sense of humor and But you don't.
You don't.
[playful music.]
"Warning-- mountain lions are attracted to dog poop.
" So you've got a small dog coming by [panting.]
Looks like it's gonna defecate on your lawn.
You go ahead and hit the app.
[whimpering.]
[barks.]
[barks.]
[panting, barks.]
- Just still not quite right.
- Fine.
We haven't-- we haven't gotten it yet.
Yeah, yeah [machinery grinding.]
[dog whimpers.]
- [alarm blaring.]
- Woof.
Don't do this.
Woof.
[dark dramatic music.]
Hey, hunks! Stop infringing on our turf.
Go back to your gyms and looking at your abs in the mirror.
Stay our of our science labs and our comedy clubs.
And stay away from our smart girls.
[chuckling.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.
We're just doing our thing, friend.
It's actually pronounced "Fred.
" There's no N in it, see? [men chuckling.]
- Spelling, right? - Yeah.
You know, you're all born with your perfect features, and we're just like this.
We had to make up for it by having a sense of humor and being smart and reading and knowing about music and art.
As soon as you guys start doing it, - well, it renders us invisible.
- [sighs.]
Fred, we've moved past that kind of stuff.
Come on, Carrie, he's an impostor.
Can't you see him for what he is? Yeah, like, a really wonderful guy.
This is our turf.
Well, I believe it was Ramdas who called it the "costume of identity," right? Stop it.
Stop reading.
- Go away! - Yeah.
You know what I say? [dramatic music.]
I want to rumble.
Yeah.
Great.
Now, when you say rumble, what are we talking? Are we talking technically four on four? Are we talking medieval times? What Classic '50s? What do you guys want to do? Stop it.
Stop discussing it.
[bombastic dramatic music.]
Nerd.
Hunk.
Pencil pusher.
Meathead.
Pasty.
[chuckles mockingly.]
[sobs mockingly.]
Let's dance.
Let's dance.
she's the one who can rock my world she's the one, and you know she makes me go oh, oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh [triumphant music.]
[grunts.]
- Don't roll it.
- No, up.
- Your side.
- With your legs, not your back.
Are you lifting? Unh.
[whistling.]
[playing jaunty tune.]
- [lounge music.]
- Mmm.
You look beautiful tonight.
Are you gonna eat that? [bombastic dramatic music.]
[soft suspenseful music.]
He's a nerd, right? I'm not totally awkward at sports.
Fred you're a hunk.
[gentle music.]
What am I? Fred! All right, well, have a good summer, guys.
[percussive music.]
I've been thinking that I would really like to get a rug.
Just like a-a crappy rug from, like, a secondhand store? Like a nice rug.
Wow.
Are you okay? I don't mean to No, I'm just-- I mean, should we get married first? My parents were married when they got their first rug.
- Were yours? - Oh, yes.
But it's a different time.
- I mean, I'm ready if you are.
- I-I think I am.
And you're the person I want to get a rug with.
Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
- [laughs.]
- Uh, screw it.
Yeah, I love you.
I love you.
Let's get a rug.
Let's get a rug.
- That one's too complicated.
- Yeah.
Ah, white.
- I like this one.
- That's something, right? It's a beautiful rug, isn't it? Yeah.
I've been down there to the operation.
It's pretty phenomenal.
- So how much is this one? - Three.
- Hundred? - Thousand.
- $3,000? - Mm-hmm.
- For this? - Yeah.
- The-- the white one there.
- Wow.
Is there anything in the sort of $300 range? Uh, we have, you know, a doormat that we carry.
I feel like this is what nice rugs cost.
Mm-hmm I want to bring something into our home that we can love and cherish.
- And I feel like you do, too.
- That's true, yeah.
I feel like you'd be such a good rug-owner.
When I see you at other people's houses with their rugs, I just-- I know how good you're gonna be with this one.
- Mm! - Ah.
I'm-- Let's just do it.
Do you want to look at paperwork right now? - Yes.
Thank you.
- Okay.
Yeah, let's get you started.
I'm excited.
Okay.
[knock at door.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Dude, I need coffee.
Okay.
I'll go make you some.
Ooh, ooh, hold on! Uh, please take off your shoes if you don't mind.
Take off my shoes? Why? We got a rug.
Are you excited about that new grocery store that's coming in? - Where? - Brand-new-- new aisles, - new shopping carts, everything.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, I hadn't heard.
- [coffee spills.]
Oh! Ugh! Don't panic, don't panic.
Slow, slow, slow.
I'm gonna get something.
I'm gonna get something.
I am so, so sorry.
Ah, man.
- That is - Dab it! I am dabbing it.
No! Not with a paper towel.
Seriously.
Just dab it.
You're rubbing it in.
Well, what am I supposed to do? - You have to keep it wet.
- Dab it! - What do you mean by dab? - That's dabbing.
- Okay, what was I doing? - You were doing this.
That's more wiping.
- That's wiping.
- Yeah.
Wha-- That's not where the stain is-- Take this off.
I thought you were supposed to be dabbing.
- It's beyond dabbing now! - Ooh.
- Keep it white.
- Oh, man.
[tense music.]
I think the dabbing was working better.
[somber music.]
[indistinct talking.]
- [gasps.]
- No! - No.
- It's ruined.
- Charlie.
- I want this out.
I want this out.
I want this out! Wait.
No, it's fixable still.
It's not fixable! - Get some duct tape.
- It's over! This is a document of shame! Look at it! Look at it! I want this out! [cries.]
We're terrible people.
We're terrible people.
We don't deserve anything nice! [breathing heavily.]
The rug that you're looking at and the size - Excuse us.
- That you're looking at.
- Ma'am? - Ma'am, excuse us.
Oh, sorry, hang on just one second, okay? - Hi.
- What was wrong with the rug? - Is everything-- - Oh - The style wasn't exactly right.
- Yeah-- the style.
- Once it's in the house.
- Yeah.
But, you know, the size, maybe something like [both mumbling.]
Smaller.
- Smaller.
- Just a little.
Freddie, ever since you were two, I've known.
I'd catch you flexing in the mirror.
And when you were eight, you were always arm-wrestling with your cousin Georgie.
Yeah, I remember that.
We were arm-wrestling.
I really enjoyed it.
- Yes.
- I remember, like, I slammed his head against the table, right? Yes, you did.
He was so little, and you were so strong.
But I've always known.
Mom, why didn't you say anything? Times were different then.
"Revenge of the Nerds" was big.
Right.
And hunks were [sighs.]
- I was going through your closet.
- Mm-hmm.
And I found something.
- Whoa.
- There.
[grunts.]
[hard rock music.]
Wow, my old weights.
- I know.
- Wow.
Look at that, my initials are in there and everything.
[chuckles.]
Now you can finally be who you really are, Freddie-- a hunk.
[light music.]
Oh.
All that time I wasted.
You are a hunk.
- Say it.
- I am a hunk.
Yes.
I'm a hunk.
[hard rock music.]
Oh, man.
[chuckles.]
- Great throw.
- [horn honks.]
- What's up, you guys? - Hey, Fred.
- What's going on? - Hey, what's up, Fred? Nice to see you.
I'd kind of prefer it if you, uh, called me "Scoot" from now on.
- Of course.
- What's up, Scoot? - Hey, what's up? - Nice.
Scoot, I'm so happy for you.
- Proud of you, man.
- You look great.
We're all proud of you, right, guys? - all: Yeah.
- You guys want to play? I mean, what are we waiting around for? Hell, yeah! We got Scoot.
Come on.
you make me better this I do believe got me feeling I wasn't losing Ah.
Oh, no, Scoot, are you okay? - You okay, man? - Yeah, man.
nerds rule the world, nerds rule the world nerds rule the world You guys ever go on the Indiana Jones ride there in Disneyland? You ever go on that? It's a lot-- lot of fun.
Hey, my driver was insane.
I went on that thing.
He was just going through tunnels.