Rick and Morty (2013) s07e02 Episode Script

1
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh!
Um, hey, Rick.
I was wondering if you could help me out
with a bit of a rake situation.
- A "rake situation"?
- Long story short,
I asked Gene if he borrowed my rake,
and he said, "No," like
like that. Like, too fast.
Like, faster than someone should
know they don't have my rake.
I think he has my rake, and I
I'm not going to murder Gene.
Jerry, thank you for bringing
me into The Rake Situation.
I've done all I can. I'm out.
No surprise there.
All that brain, and you just waste it.
H-Hold up.
- I-I waste my brain?
- Yeah, Rick.
Obviously, you were
born smarter than me,
- but if I had your brain
- If you had my
I am so sick of this "born smart" shit.
Are you gonna kill me?
I was born crying and pissing
myself, just like you.
Then I become the smartest
man in the universe,
and do I get credit?
No, I get to check my brain privilege.
So we're swapping bodies?
No, that would be "Freaky Friday,"
which is the ceiling of your
grasp of consciousness.
The brain is part of the body,
Jerry. It's hardware.
I'm gonna put my mind in your brain
and your mind in my brain.
Then we'll see the real
definition of "waste," Jerry.
Or, you know, admit genius isn't random
- and your failures are your own.
- Oh, not doing that.
Thought as much.
[DEVICES WHIRRING, BEEPING]
[WHIMPERING]
[GROANING]
Oh, furck. Oh, grod.
- [WHIMPERS]
- Wait, no!
[GUNSHOT, GUN CLATTERS]
Okay. Hold on. Hold on.
Oh-ho-ho, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[GASPING]
All right, Jerry, you can do this.
Whoa!
GARAGE AI: Medical emergency detected.
-
- [BEEPING]
[BUZZER]
[SIGHS] There goes my Thursday.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
I'm telling you, man, you're
making a big mistake here.
Ha! Bigger mistake
than being a criminal?
I'm mistake-proof.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
Sorry to bother, boss.
I caught this punk selling
crystals on our turf
You big, precious moron.
D-Do you know who the
fuck This is Morty.
The kid who hangs with Rick Sanchez.
Tried to warn you, man.
- Rick Sanchez?
- Underworld legend?
Chaotic neutral sci-fi guy? Huh?
Christ, he's gonna turn
me into a sandwich.
What is this guy, fuckin' new?
Think he was a Dylan rec, boss.
Well, check those fucking
references next time.
Whatever this kid wants to do
in our territory is his business.
Fuck. Fuck! Call my wife.
We gotta prep go-bags three through six.
Hey, pal. You good? You whole?
Y-You guys have milkshakes?
We will learn what they
are and get you one.
[BOTH GROANING]
What a turn.
Lucky I'm such a genius your
garage can thwart death.
I'm the genius, and
it's your garage, idiot.
Hey, what the fuck
did you do to my body?
Your body? Jerry, your
mind did that to my body
- using my brain.
- Jerry, my mind was in this brain
in your body.
Pretty easy to follow.
It shuffled us.
Shuffled you maybe.
I'm tracking everything.
Garage? Fix this.
GARAGE AI: Situation was fixed.
You call this fixed?
- This guy thinks he's me.
- This guy thinks he's me.
Let's see you fix it, then, asshole.
I fucking will.
I got my lab right here.
Gimme three hours.
Oh, sure, yeah, l-like I'd ever
trust you to open my skull.
I'll fix it. I just need
to scan for Ow!
Like I'd trust your fritzing R2-D2 ass.
You'll just kill me on purpose.
So that's where my paranoia went.
[CELLPHONE RINGS, VIBRATES]
Rick speaking. Who is this?
Rick, it's Chuxly. From Crimetown.
We've met 5 or 10 times.
Listen, small misunderstanding.
One of my guys saw your buddy
Morty running an errand
and he brought him in,
which I told him not to do,
but I've got Morty, and he is fine.
RICKBODY: Wait, w-what?
Aren't you describing kidnapping?
- JERRYBODY: Morty's kidnapped?
- No, no, no.
Give me that, Jerry. Hello? Hello?
This is Rick Sanchez.
I'm using my son-in-law's
vocal cords because I'm amazing.
If you touch my grandson, I'm gonna
- Get Get off me.
- H-H-Hello?
Jerry, stop. You're fucking this up.
You're only calling me Jerry
because you're so stupid
you think it's hurtful, which it is.
Tell me where you are.
No, you tell them where
they are, like Liam Neeson.
Do not pretend to explain
Liam Neeson to me. Sir.
- Hey, Jerry, don't touch me there.
- Stop it.
[BOTH GRUNT]
- We know where you are.
- We know where you are.
[LINE CLICKS]
- My milkshake is empty!
- Okay!
That was so embarrassing.
Do you have any clue what a pain it is
to cultivate a mystique?
Yeah, I do. It's my mystique,
and you're just cultivating
Jerry's shame.
What is with my hair?
- Don't.
- Leave it.
- Why do you care about hair, nerd?
- Be quiet for a second,
I need to think through
all these chunks of moron.
Okay, you stay here.
Touch nothing. I'll get Morty.
Ha! I'm not letting you get Morty killed
and our brains blown out twice.
Car, electrocute Jerry if
he gets in the front seat.
Car, engage castration
protocol right now.
CAR AI: Figure out how
to drive me together
or I will have to kill you both.
Ugh! What are we, a 1930s comedy act?
- Stop swerving.
- You're swerving.
All right, when we get there,
let me do the talking.
Yeah, I know, because you
look the most like us.
- I'm not stupid.
- Ho-ho! I beg to differ.
Screw you, Half Jerry.
- You're a Half Jerry!
- You're a Half Jerry!
- [VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING]
- [CELLPHONE RINGS, CLICKS]
GOON: Looks like he's inbound, boss.
Okay, he is in a bad mood,
so we are kissing ass until
our lips are ass-colored.
Straighten that pillow.
He might hate crooked pillows.
I don't know.
[RICKBODY AND JERRYBODY GRUNT]
Nice parking job, assdick.
You scratched my car.
Rick! And And, uh, Rick's friend.
This is my assassin.
Deadliest man in the
galaxy, and he's gay.
- Why am I gay?
- GANGSTER: Whoa.
- Hey.
- Whoa. Why aren't you?
Sorry about that. Sorry. Sorry.
Well, I got Morty right here,
happy as a milkshake.
And since we interrupted your day,
Morty's got 10,000 croutons.
That's slang for crystals.
Morty, show him.
- We know what croutons are.
- Ey! Tsh.
Why is Dad here?
Your dad's a gay assassin?
So cool and ordinary. Sorry. S-Sorry.
I appreciate you trying to make good,
but you cost me 10 times that much.
It doesn't matter, Rick.
The guy's already kissing your ass.
It's the ass kissers you
have to keep in line.
When they sense weakness,
they move on you.
What are we, Walter White?
Who cares if a mid-tier
crime dork "moves" on us?
Thank you for the crystals.
Morty, get in the car.
Actually, Morty, why don't
you leave those crystals here
since it's such an insulting amount.
There it is. Now he's thinking,
"Oh, maybe I can kill God."
Yeah, because God doesn't haggle
for 10,000 fucking croutons.
Look, here's the deal.
I'm Rick, that's my son-in-law,
and we're all a little gay.
- Yeah.
- It's a spectrum.
Morty, it's me, Rick. Get in the car.
Don't get in the car, Morty.
And put the briefcase down.
Morty, get in the car twice,
once for each five additional
briefcases this asshole owes us.
Stop doing this terrible
impression of me!
Look, at this point, we're bad gangsters
if we don't roll the dice.
Everybody, start killing 'em!
[ALL GRUNT]
What have you two assholes done?
It's okay. It's a nice restaurant.
- Whoa.
- Shit!
Crime restaurant!
Oh, my God! Am I really about to die
- because you botched a "Freaky Friday"?
- BOTH: Yes.
Whoever you are, you're in Rick's body.
- Use your implants.
- I'm trying.
Half my brain is the guy
that still needs your mom
to use the electric wine opener.
[GRUNTING] H-Hang on. I think I got it.
[GRUNTS]
Right, from my Conehead phase.
- Awesome fucking movie.
- Incredible cast.
- [GRUNTS]
- God damn it.
I'm shooting my way back to the car.
Ugh, way to go.
Now my son and grandson hates us.
He's my son and grandson, too.
Huh.
We do share an agenda, in that sense.
- [BOTH GRUNT]
- Let's hope you share my aim.
[THE WHITE STRIPES' "WE'RE
GOING TO BE FRIENDS" PLAYS]
Fall is here, hear the yell ♪
Back to school, ring the bell ♪
Brand new shoes, walking blues ♪
Climb the fence, books and pens ♪
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
Hey, get up here!
- Said the throat to the hand.
- Oh! Oh!
You might feel a pinch
and maybe a rocket.
You'll have to aim. Hop on!
[YELLS]
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
[GRUNTING]
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
[CHUCKLES] You Coneheaded
son of a bitch.
Can't believe that worked.
I wish they did that in the movie.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Huh, should've done
something with my hands.
Morty, gotta push or pull. Your call.
[RICKBODY AND JERRYBODY LAUGHING]
What the hell? What happened?
T-They made us stop at every
drive-thru chain in the galaxy,
so they could make one giant burger
with a patty from each place.
I guess I meant before that.
Brains got a little mixed up.
But we're gonna swap back. Don't worry.
Just didn't wanna build
a neural interface
on an empty stomach, right?
Wait, you guys did a brain swap?
Don't bother chiding
until they're unshuffled,
neither one is Dad or Rick.
Huh.
I guess I'm thrilled you
guys are getting along?
Let's keep that going
when those brains get
back in their bodies.
Whoa, going for the
electro-pneumatic diodes.
- Wild man.
- Only gonna build this once.
Gotta do it with style.
[DRILL WHIRS]
I think we can up the wattage.
Hey, another beer?
It's about the journey, brother.
Ah, Rick used to hate that kind of
hang-loose McConaughey platitude,
but he was also just gonna
spend today grumpy and isolated.
And Jerry'd still be
hung up about the rake.
The rake. Oh, my God, should we do it?
- W-We've gotta do it.
- [CHUCKLING]
- Oh, yeah.
- [LAUGHS]
All right, that should do it.
- [BUZZER]
-
- [BEEP]
- JERRYBODY: Whoa.
- Son of a bitch.
- Classic Gene.
Huh.
Crazy. T-This is the kind of thing
that used to really piss me off.
Yeah. Now it's just kinda funny.
Ooh, you wanna replace it
with a holographic rake?
Oh, that'd be fun.
He'd get confused trying to pick it up.
Eh. I guess I don't even wanna do that.
I just want to live.
I want Gene to live.
I want all of us to make mistakes
- and change all the time.
- Amen to that, brother.
Kinda thought two geniuses
would build faster than one.
When do I start being
concerned about this?
Just having a little fun
with my new friend, sweetie.
Who is talking to me right now?
Mostly my dad or mostly my husband?
Oof, I've been on that website.
Look, I've been patient,
but I can't tell how to get mad at who.
No one enters my room
or touches me until this is wrapped up.
- Eww. What do you take me for?
- Ugh, Beth, gross, ugh.
I want you to know, when this is over,
the guy in this body
is gonna yell at Jerry
and call him useless.
Really lay into him.
But he won't always mean it.
Well, cards on the table,
the guy in this body might
call Rick an angry old asshole.
But he's the closest thing
Jerry has to a friend.
This was fun.
Rick would never have
been able to admit that.
Yeah. It's a shame those guys
had to become us to be happy.
[DEVICES BEEP, CLICKING]
[ALARM BEEPING]
Kids, breakfast and school.
If we don't at least
pretend they matter,
everything falls apart.
[MORTY AND SUMMER GROAN]
Jerry? Dad?
Th-They left a note.
Should we read it in
Rick's voice or Dad's?
"Dear family, we thought
about leaving a note.
But then one of us was like,
'Why are we leaving a note?'
That's such a Jerry thing to do.
But if we didn't leave a note,
that's such a Rick thing to do.
And then we realized,
we just gotta be us.
So it's a note but it's not
really well thought out."
That's it? They got out a
pen and a paper for this?
- [KNOCK ON WINDOW]
- Hey, did you guys get a note, too?
Mine's really long.
CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Beautiful
day to be carrying glass, huh?
I can't believe a dying kid
would wish for a window.
- [RICKBODY AND JERRYBODY LAUGHING]
- Damn it!
Hey! Stop them! They stole our crystals!
Yeah! We stole those first!
Possession is 9/10 of my ass!
[TIRES SCREECH]
Look at this pancake butt.
Stop. You're gonna make me fart.
- [FARTS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]
[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Hey! That's for sipping!
- So are my balls.
- Here's a tip, lady.
BOTH: Life tastes better
when you're chugging.
- [GRUNTS]
- [TIRES SCREECH]
[GRUNTS]
You were in a tree?
Really gambled on this escape route.
Says the guy with a goon on his back.
[RICKBODY AND JERRYBODY LAUGH]
JERRYBODY: Forget it, Burger.
It's our calling card. [CHUCKLES]
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
Oh, r-really called that one.
Eh, one of us always gets shot.
[GRUNTS]
God damn it.
Hey. You'll never guess
who just ripped us off.
Oh, wow. Good guess.
- JERRYBODY: Whoa! [CHUCKLES]
- RICKBODY: [CHUCKLES] Oh, man.
24 crystal heists in 24 hours!
We're two farts in the wind, baby!
Yeaahh! Do your Howard Dean scream.
- Yeaahh!
- [GRUNTS]
DRINKBOT: 5:00 somewhere.
5:00 somewhere.
God damn, look at us.
No rules. No responsibilities.
Just two best friends on the run.
- Yeaahh!
- Yeaahh!
[LINE RINGS]
MAN: The voice mailbox for
JERRY: Uh, wait. Wait,
wait, wait. Did it beep?
- Uh, my name is Jer
- [BEEP]
- is full. Goodbye.
- [SIGHS]
Looks like we just missed them.
So they just stick burgers
in dead guy's mouths now?
In dead criminal's mouths, Summer.
- You're defending them?
- Well, they were my husband
- and father.
- Thanks for the tip, Blarb. It's weird.
Most of my underworld
contacts are ghosting me.
My pleasure, Morty.
I should be thanking
you for making me rich.
Wait. I-I didn't pay you for this.
Yeah, these guys did.
♪♪
What's the problem, kid?
Conehead got your tongue?
Ch-Ch-Chuxly? You're alive?
Did this guy always have a hole,
or is that a big reveal?
[LAUGHTER AND INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- Yeehaw!
- Everything should be in a swamp.
Working with y'all was a plum-fool idea.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Burger & Fries.
Who the hell is this?
CHUXLY: Just an average
mid-tier crime dork.
Chuxly? You're alive?
Shut up. I got something
you might wanna hear.
[MUFFLED SCREAMING]
- Caught your family out looking for you.
- What do you want?
JERRYBODY: We've smoked
most of what we stole.
I just want you, both of you.
Or I smoke your family.
Eh, what am I saying? Sure,
bring money, too. One hour.
Shit. Guess we should
shoot the fuel tank, huh?
[ALL SCREAM]
You guys coulda done
that the whole time?
[SIGHS]
[SNORTS]
[SNORTS]
So. What now?
Hey, remember how we met?
- That non-rescue of Morty?
- [SNORTS]
- [SNORTS]
- We were thinking we were different
and and accusing
each other of being bad,
but Morty reminded us
we both love our family.
And it brought us together.
[SIGHS] Let's do this.
Well, if we're gonna do it right,
we might as well use our best idea.
You guys comfortable? No? Good.
Who are you? What is this place?
And does my son sell
drugs for my father?
Hm, maybe criminals will
actually be honest with me.
Crystals can be anything, Mom.
- Yeah, but these crystals are drugs.
- Morty!
Here we go, boys. This is it.
BETH: Jerry?
- MORTY: Rick?
- Grandpa?
Jesus Christ.
BOTH: Morty. Summer. Daughterwife.
You are safe now.
Holy shit. All the positive
aspects of each,
perfectly melded together?
Yes. I am Jerricky. Wa-chah!
All right, boys, nothing could
have prepared us for this.
At this point we gotta shoot and hope.
[GANGSTERS SCREAMING]
Also, everything's flammable.
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[GANGSTERS SCREAMING]
[GANGSTERS GRUNTING]
Hey, guys, little help?
[RINGING, GANGSTERS GRUNTING]
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
Gotta split?
I'm sorry, Chux.
I started this. It's all my fault.
Solid apology, new guy.
If we live through this,
you're off the hook.
[BOTH SCREAM]
Nice shot, Morty.
Eh, everything's flammable.
[GROANS]
Aghh. What a family.
[COUGHS]
- You got shot?
- No, no, no.
The stitches, they never really set.
What can I say? I'm a workaholic.
[COUGHS]
Agh. I knew this day would come.
Chuxly, this is a good death.
You sought mastery over your world.
No, no. I-I-I stepped out of line.
I thought I could kill God.
[COUGHS]
Being a boss in a crime world oof.
So much stress.
Honestly, Jerricky, it's a relief
to die in your four arms.
Final meal?
Mmm, mm.
How H-How old is this?
[GROANS]
♪♪
Can we turn on the radio?
At this point, I'd even take a podcast.
Do you not hear the symphony
of atoms dying in space?
Um, no?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Good. You are here.
I have modified the house defenses.
They will ensure the mob
never bothers you again.
Oh. Thanks.
This is killing me.
I-I thought when you came to rescue us
you learned to love us more than ever.
Y-You learned the opposite?
Burger & Fries learned
to love each other,
then sacrificed themselves
out of love for you.
I am Jerricky, and I only
need to love myself.
You can't actually be leaving, right?
- Like the crows thing?
- They're my dad and grandpa.
Y-You can't just take them.
Your dad and grandpa are dead, Morty.
They died arguing with each
other about their brains.
'Scuse me. Are Are you Jerry?
Sorry, you have one of his heads.
I am Jerricky.
May as well have your rake back, then.
That's right. I took it.
I ask myself, "Why lie about it?
Don't you think he knows?
Couldn't I get my own?"
Of course I could've,
but God damn it, this rake,
it kept my neighbors in my life.
You guys don't give a
Goddamn shit about Gene.
[SIGHS]
But I see that won't help
me any longer. Here.
You are no longer
obligated in such a way.
I'm gonna give it back anyway.
Just seems like the right thing to do.
Okay.
♪♪
- Aw.
- Oh, shit.
You think a rake will change my mind?
Well, it's fucking lame, okay?
Both of you walking out on Mom?
I thought you had two
sets of balls, not zero.
Our balls are adeq [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMING]
- Morty, we're still in here!
There's a memory of
myself as a 30-year-old.
He kept our egos intact. He saved us.
It was a whole action movie, Morty.
Memory Rick, he's still trapped in here.
- Quick, tackle this fucking thing!
- SUMMER: Hold him down!
- MORTY: Garage! Garage! Help us!
- Hold him down!
Nicely prepared eggs.
[SIGHS] I still can't taste anything.
Awesome adventure, Rick.
Jerry, being shuffled with me
was probably the best part
of your sad existence.
A brush with greatness.
Please, like you didn't get an upgrade.
What was it like having
integrity for once?
Hey, Beth, how much integrity
is left on the mortgage?
I-I think it's clear you
both love each other
more than you're willing to admit.
Dumb. Fucking dumb.
Go pick up crystals for me.
You don't have to do that, Morty.
No, it's it's okay.
I-I like doing it.
Welp, those horses
won't sew themselves up,
- but good to have you both back.
- Yeah. Whatever.
Great, so I still wind up stuck
with Jerry's dumb ass?
Oh, fuck you. Eat your
eggs that my wife bought.
How about you eat my shit,
you Hawaiian-shirt-loving twat?
Uncalled for! Rude and uncalled for!
You sit there with your potty mouth
- and do everything but help.
- Jerry, it's not my fault
- that nobody respects you in here.
- Oh, yeah.
- Your own kids think
- You could help, but you don't.
I was busy, Jerry.
I was working on
something very important.
Brand new shoes, walking blues ♪
Climb the fence, books and pens ♪
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
Walk with me, Suzy Lee ♪
Through the park and by the tree ♪
We will rest upon the ground ♪
And look at all the bugs we found ♪
Safely walk to school
without a sound ♪
Safely walk to school
without a sound ♪
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
I can tell that
we are gonna be friends ♪
And of course, there's a space shuttles.
Can you believe that giant
thing actually flies?
Well, of course it can.
It's a space shuttles.
And over here is some stuff
about Thomas Jefferson.
Come on, students.
MEMORY RICK: [SIGHS] Day 8 of
attempting to escape Jerry's mind.
It has become increasingly
clear my daughter married a man
who remembers all technology as
powered by springs and gears.
How did I get here?
I suspect a chunk of Rick's brain
got merged with a chunk of Jerry's.
But did Rick maroon me by accident?
Or on purpose?
Escape remains possible,
but increasingly unlikely.
Oh, hey, Memory Rick.
Building more sculptures
out of springs and gears?
Fuck off, Memory Gene.