Shameless s07e02 Episode Script
Gunshot
Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away! What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented - to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes! Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers, who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Scatter.
Party! Discussion groups, chat lines, support networks.
The new millennium, the age of the all-vocalising, all-emoting fuck-up.
Normal men and women spewing the contents of their troubled souls into the ears of the uninterested, excreting the sorry waste of their emotional innards into all manner of public places.
Pubs, telly, newspapers.
If only they'd zip it and heed their inner voice, the one that never lies.
The one that screams at you at the dead of night.
Oh, aye.
'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a repressed old fart than open one's mouth and be discovered a babblin', self-obsessed fool.
Where his family's concerned, Paddy Maguire's never been less than generous.
But a 50 grand blow would knock any man.
Mam.
Settlement.
She set the business up with me, so it's only fair she should get half the spoils.
But memories of our time together aren't going to keep me comfy in my old age.
I need to make serious hay now.
There's a recession on, so people are what? Skint.
- So they borrow money.
Then what? - Can't pay it back.
And when these desperados want to forget about what monumental fuck-ups their lives have become, they do what? - Get off their heads.
- Drug sales soar.
Economic gloom equals a pay-day boom, and I want you in on it.
I want Manchester to know that Maguire and sons are back in business.
- Not for me, Dad.
- Not for - Count me in.
- What do you mean? We could make a killing! What are you on about? - I've got a family.
- Good of you to remember.
- I've got Karen and Connor to think of.
- You're barely scraping a living.
At least I'm not watching me back.
- And what about you? - I'm in, Dad.
You still in possession of the bollocks you were born with? - Dad, I'm OK with moody weddings.
- Oh, you're settling for OK? - I'm in.
- Never thought I'd see the day.
Sons of mine, gutless, pussy-whipped.
There's more loyalty in those little rats I pay to sell the gear on the estate.
- Look, Dad - Get out, all of you.
- I wouldn't mind - Go on, out! Fuck off! - You did say no? - Course I said no.
- You sound like you're sorry for him.
- Well, I am his son.
Yeah, and he's yours.
Oh, what? "Wooh! I'm going to be the best dressed baby in Chatsworth! Yay!" Christ, Karen.
150 quid? For him to puke all over it? Get it back, get a refund.
Hello? I'd like to place an order, please.
Christ, Carl! Watch where you're putting it! That was trap two! I was the only one willing to go along with Dad.
He totally blanked me.
That's cos you're an ideas person, like him.
A thinker, cerebral.
More brains than a service station pastie.
Now, eh, those balloons aren't going to blow themselves up, are they? I mean, I'm an inspired shag, me.
But bum sex? Why would he want to do that? You should ask him how he'd like it.
Mm! About Sunday.
We're welcoming our little man into God's family.
It's a celebration, yes, but it's a holy day.
So any talk of whoring or crack pipes is right off.
Yeah? I'll see you later.
See you later, Max.
I think I can manage that for you, Mimi.
Oh, and if you think I'm cocking up on me godmum duties, I'm sure you won't hesitate to pull me.
Oh, there's nothing to worry about there, because Concepta, my cousin, she's godmum now.
What? With the dancing and touring, poor love never got a chance to have kids.
So I thought it'd be nice for her to have a little one she can be close to.
You don't begrudge her having a godson, do you? Heard the latest from your mother? Me and you have been dumped as godparents, cos her cousin and her bloke are a more glamorous option.
No, it's just you who's been dumped.
Concepta ain't got a bloke.
You're still godfather? She only Uh, she only told me this morning.
And what was your reaction when mummy dearest hit you with that one? I'm I'm not arsed, Kel.
Your girlfriend gets shat on from a great height by your mother and you're not arsed? That's not what I meant! Kel! Oops-a-daisy.
Really looking forward to Sunday.
Be nice to have all the family under one roof again.
I think it's time we settled up.
For the christening? Come on, 50-50.
Paddy, honest, I'm really flush.
Mimi, chuck yourself under the King's horse, gaze at your chuff in a mirror, but please, in the spirit of equality, tell me what I owe.
OK, you win.
500.
You only do it once, don't you? I'll fetch it for you right away.
Dad? Why don't you just help him collect? God knows you could do with the readies.
I've told you why.
Well, if not to boost your income, then to keep an eye out for him.
You know what it's like out there.
Dad's covered.
Got some lads helping him out.
Has he bollocks! What's he going to pay them with, Jamie? There's more brass on a string quartet than on your dad just now.
- Think about it.
- No! Now can we just leave it, please? I'll be expecting two grand back.
Anything you make on top is yours.
Problem? How are we supposed to make owt on that? Get creative.
So, besides hiking up the costs or mixing the gear, have you got any other creative suggestions? People ain't thick.
They know what they want and how much it costs.
All right, all right.
Make it quick if you value your kneecaps.
We've been over this.
He's wearing that one.
Cos you've got to keep your mother sweet.
She's paying for everything because you managed to spend every penny I put aside.
For when he starts on solids.
It's the business.
Anyway, you can take that look off your face, cos I know what you're thinking.
"It's all about Connor now.
" Better to spend 200 on something and wear it 100 times, than 30 quid and only wear it once.
Jamie, it's not every day your first-born's Karen? Karen?! - What is it, what's wrong? - What's going on? Karen! What is it? What are you looking for? Karen.
What's going on? The baby.
Where is he? When's the last time you had him, Karen?! Mum, get upstairs! Check, quick! Connor Shane, Micky! Connor's missing! I'll check the shops, check the bus stop, tell everyone you see he's missing! Get Carl, Ian, fuckin' everyone! Find him, Micky! Aw, come on! Carl, I need your I need your help when you've finished.
You stupid Leave the girl alone! How the fuck do you forget where you leave your own son?! Do you think she really needs telling, Jamie?! - Oh, thank God! - Oh, Joe, thank fuck! You said you'd only be five minutes.
Asked me to take him while she popped into Yvonne's.
Everyone was smoking in there.
My mobile goes, I'm yapping away, I turn around and she's gone.
I forgot I forgot.
Be the excitement of the christening and that.
Ah, cheers, Joe.
Drink? No, I'm driving.
Thanks anyway.
Later, yeah? Delivery, mate.
I'm sorry.
I'm just off to pick up t'cake.
Running errands for the bitch that's coming between us.
- What kind of servile cretin are you? - I'd like you to watch your mouth.
- Keep your nose out of our business.
- She's not coming between us.
She is, and she's doing it by running me down.
And you're no innocent bystander.
You're her fuckin' accomplice! He's running a family errand.
To fetch a cake for a baptism that I should have been godmother at.
- She doesn't mean anything personal.
- It's easy for you to say.
You're not the one who's been shafted.
Do you want me to tell her I can't be godfather? I want you to fight my corner! You've no idea, have you? The effect this had on me, how touched I was, how it made me feel that Karen and Jamie thought that I was good enough to be godmother to their son.
I was walking on air! And I wanted to do it right, do Connor proud.
Not just turn up, hold the kid by the like every other godparent I have ever come across! OK, you want it sorted? I'll sort it.
I didn't do it to hurt Kelly, son.
I did it to protect her.
She probably can't bless herself right, never mind reel off the Creed.
I don't think I can any more.
More the need for Concepta, then.
She's blood.
She'll always be around.
I hate to say this, but what if Kelly traps off with some loaded punter? Any one of us could fuck off at any time.
You and Dad split up.
Yeah, but we've got responsibilities that bind us forever more.
Apart from the dollop of lust and love, you two have nothin'.
What are you getting out of this? You've got loads of godkids you never even see.
You know it's a load of shit.
Your beloved write those lines, did she? I've had enough of you and me dad trying to run my life, trying to fuck things up for me.
I'm not your little boy any more.
And I'm telling you right now, back off.
You OK now? Embarrassed, more than anything.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
My head's done in, with everything.
Hey, just think.
After the christening, it's all over.
No need to thank me.
Fuckoff.
Before I do, there's something I'd like to get off me chest.
Jamie, mate! Let's let Jamie in on our little secret.
Oh, cheer up, Karen.
Confession's good for the soul.
He'll kill you.
- I'm ready for him this time.
- He won't believe you.
Oh, so he hasn't noticed the mole between your tits or the birthmark on your left arse cheek? Or the way you dig your nails into the back of his neck when you come? Something you should know.
Your mam's invited me to Sunday's do.
I've heard the delivery nurse is always at Maguire christenings.
Just checking that's cool with you.
You've been there twice for the little fella.
How could I say no? See you later.
Yeah.
What's that? This is Back-Door Bertie, our mutual fuck buddy.
Yeah, right.
Well, he can fuck off.
I thought you wanted to indulge in a little dark star penetration? I do, but But that? There's no pleasure for you sticking that in me.
Well, maybe not, but you might love it, and I'm all about giving, me.
Imagine the pair of us casting off our arse innocence together.
What could be more romantic and binding? I promise I'll be gentle, Carl.
You're certainly in the minority.
I bet hardly any straight blokes take it.
I dunno.
What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man? Six cans of lager.
I'm not taking, I'm just considering possibilities.
If you're thinking it, you're halfway there.
Yeah, well, me and Max are tight.
And what's good for the goose What advice would you give your little brother, Ian? Absolutely fuckin' none.
I'm not talking bum sex with him! Be different if it was pussy, though, wouldn't it? I tell you what, once you've made contact with Mr G spot, you'll kill yourself for not hooking up sooner.
Don't it hurt, though? You can't do the full monty straight off.
You've got to work up to it.
- How? - Well, start small and plenty of lube.
Lubrication.
Bit of spit always does it for me if I'm ever caught short.
Just let your mind open up to the possibilities and your arse'll follow.
Andyou're a Catholic, yeah, like me? So the guilt'll just add to the sheer thrill of it all.
So, to recap, you start small, work your way up.
- Ooh! - Eh! Karen I fucking hate dogs.
Little disease-spreading shit machines! Karen.
You look tired.
Come on.
Living over a pub's hardly peaceful.
And I know Mimi's decibel level isn't always within legal limits.
Here.
My place.
It can be your little oasis.
I want to help, Karen.
Let's face it, I'm the nearest thing you've got to a dad and you're the nearest thing I've got to a daughter now.
Shit! If that's my consolation prize, you can stick it up your arse.
I tried my best, Kel.
Just seems like she's not having it.
- She say why? - Yeah, the religion thing.
You know and I know the reason she gave me the elbow is cos she can't stand a low-down Me being in the limelight.
Don't think you've got any fears there, Kelly.
In the New Testament, Matthew never condemns prostitution.
Turning to the Old Testament, in the Book of Hosea, God says he'd never punish the daughters of Israel for selling themselves.
And besides, you're a masseuse.
How could ya? If you didn't want him wearing it, you could've just said.
What's going on? Look what she did! Her, who I've treated like me own daughter.
I ironed it.
Sorry, I didn't even notice.
You didn't want Connor wearing it and thought if you ruined it, he wouldn't have to! Mimi, I can assure you, I would never do something like that.
This was my grandmother's, and her mother before that.
The names of my dead babies are woven into it.
It was an accident.
You don't believe me now? What sort of a mad bitch do you think I am? - I'm beginning to wonder.
- Right.
I'll sort it.
I'll fucking sort it! I will sort it! The mark's do-able, but the tear But with it being crocheted, we should be able to hide it nicely.
Brilliant.
Problem is, this is Irish crochet and I only do the filet.
But my sister-in-law Mary is good at the Irish, mind.
But the silk thread don't come cheap.
- Shit! Get me out of here! - In there.
Just a minute! Hi, Mimi.
Come in.
What can I do for you, love? Well, I'm not here to have me clit flicked.
Need a word with Kelly.
Oh, she's tied up just now.
I've had a word with Paddy and Shane, and they had a thing or two to say.
And I've decided to rethink the whole godmother thing.
Concepta's sound, but on balance I feel your case is stronger.
- What? - You're more grounded.
Even when she isn't high, her head's still in the clouds.
And you only live round the corner.
If a crisis strikes, what good's she propping up the Waldorf bar? And despite having more male customers than Burton's, I feel your heart's in the right place.
You'll do for me.
Deal? Deal.
See ya.
Get out.
What sort of a welcome's that, eh? Sheshe once told me that her that her big dream was to go skinny-dipping at night in Crete.
I kept her messages on me mobile so I can hear her voice.
If there's yellow stuff in it, it's not cancer.
I put sweet corn in that pasta dish.
I were trying out some brown-eye action with a party blower.
But when I took it out, the nozzle got stuck.
I can't get it out.
Will you try? No! Sorry, Carl - anal extractions didn't feature on my auxiliary training course.
You don't need a qualification to work out what's got to be done.
No, but you do need equipment.
Only I don't fancy wasting me whole Friday night in A&E.
- Whoa, we're not going there! - They won't bat an eyelid.
Had a vicar in last week, he had a 12-inch candle up him.
Said he fell backwards putting up curtains! You're nowt special.
I'm not going, Max.
What's that? Any bit of wind and it goes off.
It's like having an internal mouth organ.
Hey, Carl, give us a tune before you go.
Christ Almighty.
How much was lifted? Were they armed? OK, OK.
I'll be right with you.
Just what I fucking need! I love you.
- Don't fuck up.
- No, I won't.
Who the fuck am I? Who thefuckam I? Mr Maguire, Mr Maguire! So why are you treating me like Bill Gates or bloody Carnegie? You're a charity case all right, but not one I'm supporting.
So where the fuck's my money? As it's small, a little irrigation'll budge it.
As me vac's being serviced anyway.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Every other day I do a rectal removal.
I dislodge, I douche, I dab some talc and I return it to its wife.
Come on, Carl.
Drop 'em.
Ready? Do I look stupid? He's out getting the rest now.
There are some people in this world who learn their lessons well, take on board advice, move on and have relatively happy little lives.
And there are those that don't.
You are obviously of the latter.
Fuck you! You don't scare me! I know people.
And once you're out of intensive care, you go see those people and ask them if they know Paddy Maguire! I guarantee they will! You've got How's my favourite bum boy? Last time I slipped your Chrissy one, she said he was fine.
- Paddy through there? - No, I'll give him a bell.
Been ringing him for ages - just keeps ringing out.
Yeah? Two minutes, yeah? Cheers, son.
- Is me dad here? - Nipped out for the papers.
On a Saturday morning, there's nothing that Mr Maguire and I like more than to talk current affairs over a pot of Lady Grey.
Really? Is he fuck here.
Sean's here with the delivery, and Dad's not in.
You got three grand in the safe? Do I look like a man who's got three grand in a safe? You can set your watch by Sean.
Every Saturday at 12.
Dad never misses him.
There's definitely something up.
Pint of the dark stuff please, Jamie.
Three grand, me tips.
Karen all right? Not every day you forget where your kid is, eh? - You weren't laughing the other day.
- Nah, she's fine.
- And that is on the house.
- Good.
So long as the baby blues haven't struck.
She's just tired, that's all.
We both are.
Having a baby in the house really takes it out of you.
A mate of mine said that him and his missus are that knackered at the end of the day, all they're fit for in bed is sleep.
Your love life's out the window, you're skint all the time.
The strain was unbelievable.
Hey, but listen, he didn't have what you and Karen have got, d'you know what I mean, mate? - Jamie? - Yes, mate.
- Here's the rascal.
You wanna keep him? - Pass.
Should have it framed.
Once it's been disinfected, obviously.
Health freaks would pay hundreds for this treatment.
If you know any, tell them I'll do it cheaper.
- Cheers, Lillian.
- It was all my pleasure.
- I underestimated you.
- How? Never thought for a second you'd ever really consider being my bum chum.
So, how can I make it up to you? You can have anything you like.
You OK? We'll have to make a bit of "us" time, won't we? We're more than just Mum and Dad.
Let's have a night out, eh? Too much effort.
Once we've booked a table and found a sitter, done the feeds, got his clothes sorted for the next day, got meself sorted, all I'm fit for is bed.
Things'll get better, yeah? I'm sorry.
I'm not complaining.
You and Connor are my world now.
If anything happened, if anythingdamaged us I don't know what I'd do.
Hey nothing is gonna damage us.
All right? Dad, it's Micky.
Give us a bell, yeah? Peace offering.
You know where the bar is.
I knew you said you'd sort it, but I didn't fancy your odds.
You know what, you lot probably mock those South Sea Islanders, with bones through their noses, performing their shaman rituals.
When, in fact, you are partaking in exactly the same bollocks.
About tomorrow, Frank.
A verbal invite do ya? Be nice to see you there for Katie's sake.
Free bar.
Oh, thanks, Mimi, love - yeah, I'll try and show me face.
But what I was about to say is that common myths bind us.
- Have either of you seen Dad? - Am I some kind of baby-sitter now? He's a big boy.
He can look after himself.
Help us look for him.
Micky, you know your dad.
He'll be fine.
Get yourself a drink, sit yourself down and stop worrying.
He won't thank you for it.
What's up? Seriously, what's up? If he's as nice as you say he is, he won't mind helping, will he? Micky! Long time no see.
Ady.
How are things with you and the missus? It's all right, he's a fully paid-up member of the Uphill Shit Stabbers.
It's over.
I came home one day and found her at it with the man next door.
Didn't think that'd bother ya.
Not after what we got up to.
And the man over the road and the man at the back and the man from next door but one.
So you've left, then? Yeah, I've been living with an interior designer from Cambodia.
Can't string a sentence together, but the flat looks fantastic, and the things he can do with a wok have to be seen to be believed.
You should come round one night, both of you.
I'm here about my dad.
He's missing.
- Well, how long? - About 12 hours.
I've been on benders longer than that! He's never done this before.
Ady, please Look, this isn't like him.
Something's happened, I know it, and no fucker'll believe me, and you're my last hope.
Please, Ady, you've gotta help us.
Please.
You're through to Paddy Maguire.
Leave a message.
Right, and what should happen now is the base station will flag up the phone's location.
There we go.
Got ya! - Dad, it's me! - Micky, Micky, calm down.
- Can you hear me? - Paddy, Paddy.
I'm going to radio for help.
Thanks a million for finding him.
That was down to Micky.
He led the investigation.
- This is all down to me.
- Nah, it's not just you, Jamie.
It's neither of you.
No-one's fault.
He knew the risks he was taking.
He asked for our help, and we said no.
We let him down, Mum.
All of us.
Well, nearly all of us.
- Oh, he's gorgeous.
Look at him! - Done well.
Eating, sleeping - Right.
Grub's up! - You're pushing the boat out.
Well, we won't get to eat till the other side of service, so There won't be a service.
But this is Connor's big day.
Yeah, but not without my dad, it isn't.
We're cancelling.
Right, Mum? And how would we explain that to wee Connor? All I need is a clean shirt and I'll be with you.
Patrick? It's time.
You passed muster? Eventually.
I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of all things visible and invisible.
If you'd like to I'm not sure if I can.
It's just I don't actually believe in God.
But if I'm called on, I'll teach him to respect people, no matter what they do or don't believe in, as long as they're decent.
And I'll pray to a God I'm not sure exists that he's loved.
I'm a prostitute, Father.
Ex-junkie.
But I know good from bad.
And if I can teach him that, it's job done, really, isn't it? I'm sorry if I've offended.
I just don't want to let Connor down.
Or meself.
Here, someone thought they were very clever phoning Concepta, putting on a voice, telling her that her flight had been cancelled.
Only the thick fucking prick of a prankster forgot to withhold the number! Didn't you, Shane?! Fuck.
Word's been put out.
Tell you what, whoever brings us that kid is gonna be well flush.
Who put the word out? Me, J, Shane.
Well, you'd no fucking right.
I'm the director of Maguire Limited.
I make the executive decisions.
He's gonna pay for this, Dad.
Risking your lives? For what? For what? No more of my cubs will die on my account.
Call it off.
But he hurt you, and they need to know no-one does that to our old man.
Are you fuckin' deaf? Call it off! Hey, sexy.
What happened to that Long Wet Spicy Screw? I was just savouring the thought of it.
Are those limes ready yet, babe? Ah! Is he any lighter now he's washed of mortal sin? Didn't you fancy jumping in yourself, taking a spiritual cleanse? You can't just turn up and get christened, Frank.
- There is a program.
- Oh, there's a program! But what would be the point, eh? You'd only blot your copy book the next day.
You're like me, you are.
Lured by earthly pleasures.
How could you speak to Micky like that, in public? The only one who you wouldn't invite into the business, but the only one who went out looking for you.
Call yourself a father.
Bang! Bang! I thought raspberries were your favourite.
Not when they're covered in melted cow bone! The more I demanded, the more she dug in! The call was a last resort.
I just I just wanted to make it good.
I want a man, Shane, a grown-up.
But until I find one, suppose I'll have to make do with you! Come on.
Shit, I'm sorry! For fuck's sake! Why don't you go back to the loo where you've come from, clean yourself up? She's a slut.
D'you know what? Paddy nearly died yesterday and it woke me up to something.
Life's too short.
I'm not going to waste my life waiting for you, Karen.
You've got two men in your life.
Why can't I have two women? Look at that.
Looks like a platypus on safari.
What the fuck did you just say? - Nothing, Paddy.
- A platypus on safari?! That's right, run, you yellow-bellied gobshite.
Utter another word that's less than kind, and I'll do to you what mother nature should've done I'll erase you for good! Nice one, Dad.
How do you think she's feeling now? Listen You know something, Paddy, you make the china shop bull look socially deft.
I was protecting my family, like any good father should.
Is that so contemptible? If you don't tell me what you want, I can't help you.
She's doing my head in.
What's wrong with Katie now? The kiddies entertainer, the fella you elbowed? - With the broken nose? - He won't be performing now.
Once upon a time, there was a king who lived in a mighty castle.
He had all the things a man could wish for.
But he was a lonely king.
That's right.
There was something missing.
- Are you with me so far? - Yes.
Then one day, he came across a gorgeous young woman.
And before too long, they were madly, madly in love.
And the gods blessed them with beautiful children.
And he and his queen loved them unconditionally.
But the queen grew bored and looked to entertain herself.
Live her own life.
Without his family around him, without their love, he floundered and he lost his crown.
His daughter tried to He lost his family and he lost his queen.
He watched as his queen threw everything she had they had down the drain.
She wanted him dead.
Never thought that he might be in need of some fucking assistance.
Never thought that he might be actually screaming out for some kind of help.
Come on.
All he was looking for was someone anyone to fucking listen! Just to fucking listen! That's all.
That's all.
Right, we're off to bed.
Night, Mum.
- Night, Mimi.
- Night, Karen.
We're gonna get off an' all.
Ghandi, Collins, yer woman who wouldn't budge on the bus.
All heroes.
All freedom fighters.
Few will ever be known for grand acts of courage like them.
But the taking of any liberty, whether it's freeing yourself to love, or speaking what your heart truly feels, now that takes balls.
Night.
Pull the door to.
Breaking the shackles of mental and emotional incarceration.
Only a big man manages that.
So, you've converted to Judaism, but you're having violent cravings for pork scratchings? God, yeah.
I'll see what I can do.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away! What sounds on earth could ever replace kids needing money or wives in your face? Cos this, people reckon, and me included, is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented - to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes! Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers, who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now! Scatter.
Party! Discussion groups, chat lines, support networks.
The new millennium, the age of the all-vocalising, all-emoting fuck-up.
Normal men and women spewing the contents of their troubled souls into the ears of the uninterested, excreting the sorry waste of their emotional innards into all manner of public places.
Pubs, telly, newspapers.
If only they'd zip it and heed their inner voice, the one that never lies.
The one that screams at you at the dead of night.
Oh, aye.
'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a repressed old fart than open one's mouth and be discovered a babblin', self-obsessed fool.
Where his family's concerned, Paddy Maguire's never been less than generous.
But a 50 grand blow would knock any man.
Mam.
Settlement.
She set the business up with me, so it's only fair she should get half the spoils.
But memories of our time together aren't going to keep me comfy in my old age.
I need to make serious hay now.
There's a recession on, so people are what? Skint.
- So they borrow money.
Then what? - Can't pay it back.
And when these desperados want to forget about what monumental fuck-ups their lives have become, they do what? - Get off their heads.
- Drug sales soar.
Economic gloom equals a pay-day boom, and I want you in on it.
I want Manchester to know that Maguire and sons are back in business.
- Not for me, Dad.
- Not for - Count me in.
- What do you mean? We could make a killing! What are you on about? - I've got a family.
- Good of you to remember.
- I've got Karen and Connor to think of.
- You're barely scraping a living.
At least I'm not watching me back.
- And what about you? - I'm in, Dad.
You still in possession of the bollocks you were born with? - Dad, I'm OK with moody weddings.
- Oh, you're settling for OK? - I'm in.
- Never thought I'd see the day.
Sons of mine, gutless, pussy-whipped.
There's more loyalty in those little rats I pay to sell the gear on the estate.
- Look, Dad - Get out, all of you.
- I wouldn't mind - Go on, out! Fuck off! - You did say no? - Course I said no.
- You sound like you're sorry for him.
- Well, I am his son.
Yeah, and he's yours.
Oh, what? "Wooh! I'm going to be the best dressed baby in Chatsworth! Yay!" Christ, Karen.
150 quid? For him to puke all over it? Get it back, get a refund.
Hello? I'd like to place an order, please.
Christ, Carl! Watch where you're putting it! That was trap two! I was the only one willing to go along with Dad.
He totally blanked me.
That's cos you're an ideas person, like him.
A thinker, cerebral.
More brains than a service station pastie.
Now, eh, those balloons aren't going to blow themselves up, are they? I mean, I'm an inspired shag, me.
But bum sex? Why would he want to do that? You should ask him how he'd like it.
Mm! About Sunday.
We're welcoming our little man into God's family.
It's a celebration, yes, but it's a holy day.
So any talk of whoring or crack pipes is right off.
Yeah? I'll see you later.
See you later, Max.
I think I can manage that for you, Mimi.
Oh, and if you think I'm cocking up on me godmum duties, I'm sure you won't hesitate to pull me.
Oh, there's nothing to worry about there, because Concepta, my cousin, she's godmum now.
What? With the dancing and touring, poor love never got a chance to have kids.
So I thought it'd be nice for her to have a little one she can be close to.
You don't begrudge her having a godson, do you? Heard the latest from your mother? Me and you have been dumped as godparents, cos her cousin and her bloke are a more glamorous option.
No, it's just you who's been dumped.
Concepta ain't got a bloke.
You're still godfather? She only Uh, she only told me this morning.
And what was your reaction when mummy dearest hit you with that one? I'm I'm not arsed, Kel.
Your girlfriend gets shat on from a great height by your mother and you're not arsed? That's not what I meant! Kel! Oops-a-daisy.
Really looking forward to Sunday.
Be nice to have all the family under one roof again.
I think it's time we settled up.
For the christening? Come on, 50-50.
Paddy, honest, I'm really flush.
Mimi, chuck yourself under the King's horse, gaze at your chuff in a mirror, but please, in the spirit of equality, tell me what I owe.
OK, you win.
500.
You only do it once, don't you? I'll fetch it for you right away.
Dad? Why don't you just help him collect? God knows you could do with the readies.
I've told you why.
Well, if not to boost your income, then to keep an eye out for him.
You know what it's like out there.
Dad's covered.
Got some lads helping him out.
Has he bollocks! What's he going to pay them with, Jamie? There's more brass on a string quartet than on your dad just now.
- Think about it.
- No! Now can we just leave it, please? I'll be expecting two grand back.
Anything you make on top is yours.
Problem? How are we supposed to make owt on that? Get creative.
So, besides hiking up the costs or mixing the gear, have you got any other creative suggestions? People ain't thick.
They know what they want and how much it costs.
All right, all right.
Make it quick if you value your kneecaps.
We've been over this.
He's wearing that one.
Cos you've got to keep your mother sweet.
She's paying for everything because you managed to spend every penny I put aside.
For when he starts on solids.
It's the business.
Anyway, you can take that look off your face, cos I know what you're thinking.
"It's all about Connor now.
" Better to spend 200 on something and wear it 100 times, than 30 quid and only wear it once.
Jamie, it's not every day your first-born's Karen? Karen?! - What is it, what's wrong? - What's going on? Karen! What is it? What are you looking for? Karen.
What's going on? The baby.
Where is he? When's the last time you had him, Karen?! Mum, get upstairs! Check, quick! Connor Shane, Micky! Connor's missing! I'll check the shops, check the bus stop, tell everyone you see he's missing! Get Carl, Ian, fuckin' everyone! Find him, Micky! Aw, come on! Carl, I need your I need your help when you've finished.
You stupid Leave the girl alone! How the fuck do you forget where you leave your own son?! Do you think she really needs telling, Jamie?! - Oh, thank God! - Oh, Joe, thank fuck! You said you'd only be five minutes.
Asked me to take him while she popped into Yvonne's.
Everyone was smoking in there.
My mobile goes, I'm yapping away, I turn around and she's gone.
I forgot I forgot.
Be the excitement of the christening and that.
Ah, cheers, Joe.
Drink? No, I'm driving.
Thanks anyway.
Later, yeah? Delivery, mate.
I'm sorry.
I'm just off to pick up t'cake.
Running errands for the bitch that's coming between us.
- What kind of servile cretin are you? - I'd like you to watch your mouth.
- Keep your nose out of our business.
- She's not coming between us.
She is, and she's doing it by running me down.
And you're no innocent bystander.
You're her fuckin' accomplice! He's running a family errand.
To fetch a cake for a baptism that I should have been godmother at.
- She doesn't mean anything personal.
- It's easy for you to say.
You're not the one who's been shafted.
Do you want me to tell her I can't be godfather? I want you to fight my corner! You've no idea, have you? The effect this had on me, how touched I was, how it made me feel that Karen and Jamie thought that I was good enough to be godmother to their son.
I was walking on air! And I wanted to do it right, do Connor proud.
Not just turn up, hold the kid by the like every other godparent I have ever come across! OK, you want it sorted? I'll sort it.
I didn't do it to hurt Kelly, son.
I did it to protect her.
She probably can't bless herself right, never mind reel off the Creed.
I don't think I can any more.
More the need for Concepta, then.
She's blood.
She'll always be around.
I hate to say this, but what if Kelly traps off with some loaded punter? Any one of us could fuck off at any time.
You and Dad split up.
Yeah, but we've got responsibilities that bind us forever more.
Apart from the dollop of lust and love, you two have nothin'.
What are you getting out of this? You've got loads of godkids you never even see.
You know it's a load of shit.
Your beloved write those lines, did she? I've had enough of you and me dad trying to run my life, trying to fuck things up for me.
I'm not your little boy any more.
And I'm telling you right now, back off.
You OK now? Embarrassed, more than anything.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, so am I.
My head's done in, with everything.
Hey, just think.
After the christening, it's all over.
No need to thank me.
Fuckoff.
Before I do, there's something I'd like to get off me chest.
Jamie, mate! Let's let Jamie in on our little secret.
Oh, cheer up, Karen.
Confession's good for the soul.
He'll kill you.
- I'm ready for him this time.
- He won't believe you.
Oh, so he hasn't noticed the mole between your tits or the birthmark on your left arse cheek? Or the way you dig your nails into the back of his neck when you come? Something you should know.
Your mam's invited me to Sunday's do.
I've heard the delivery nurse is always at Maguire christenings.
Just checking that's cool with you.
You've been there twice for the little fella.
How could I say no? See you later.
Yeah.
What's that? This is Back-Door Bertie, our mutual fuck buddy.
Yeah, right.
Well, he can fuck off.
I thought you wanted to indulge in a little dark star penetration? I do, but But that? There's no pleasure for you sticking that in me.
Well, maybe not, but you might love it, and I'm all about giving, me.
Imagine the pair of us casting off our arse innocence together.
What could be more romantic and binding? I promise I'll be gentle, Carl.
You're certainly in the minority.
I bet hardly any straight blokes take it.
I dunno.
What's the difference between a straight man and a gay man? Six cans of lager.
I'm not taking, I'm just considering possibilities.
If you're thinking it, you're halfway there.
Yeah, well, me and Max are tight.
And what's good for the goose What advice would you give your little brother, Ian? Absolutely fuckin' none.
I'm not talking bum sex with him! Be different if it was pussy, though, wouldn't it? I tell you what, once you've made contact with Mr G spot, you'll kill yourself for not hooking up sooner.
Don't it hurt, though? You can't do the full monty straight off.
You've got to work up to it.
- How? - Well, start small and plenty of lube.
Lubrication.
Bit of spit always does it for me if I'm ever caught short.
Just let your mind open up to the possibilities and your arse'll follow.
Andyou're a Catholic, yeah, like me? So the guilt'll just add to the sheer thrill of it all.
So, to recap, you start small, work your way up.
- Ooh! - Eh! Karen I fucking hate dogs.
Little disease-spreading shit machines! Karen.
You look tired.
Come on.
Living over a pub's hardly peaceful.
And I know Mimi's decibel level isn't always within legal limits.
Here.
My place.
It can be your little oasis.
I want to help, Karen.
Let's face it, I'm the nearest thing you've got to a dad and you're the nearest thing I've got to a daughter now.
Shit! If that's my consolation prize, you can stick it up your arse.
I tried my best, Kel.
Just seems like she's not having it.
- She say why? - Yeah, the religion thing.
You know and I know the reason she gave me the elbow is cos she can't stand a low-down Me being in the limelight.
Don't think you've got any fears there, Kelly.
In the New Testament, Matthew never condemns prostitution.
Turning to the Old Testament, in the Book of Hosea, God says he'd never punish the daughters of Israel for selling themselves.
And besides, you're a masseuse.
How could ya? If you didn't want him wearing it, you could've just said.
What's going on? Look what she did! Her, who I've treated like me own daughter.
I ironed it.
Sorry, I didn't even notice.
You didn't want Connor wearing it and thought if you ruined it, he wouldn't have to! Mimi, I can assure you, I would never do something like that.
This was my grandmother's, and her mother before that.
The names of my dead babies are woven into it.
It was an accident.
You don't believe me now? What sort of a mad bitch do you think I am? - I'm beginning to wonder.
- Right.
I'll sort it.
I'll fucking sort it! I will sort it! The mark's do-able, but the tear But with it being crocheted, we should be able to hide it nicely.
Brilliant.
Problem is, this is Irish crochet and I only do the filet.
But my sister-in-law Mary is good at the Irish, mind.
But the silk thread don't come cheap.
- Shit! Get me out of here! - In there.
Just a minute! Hi, Mimi.
Come in.
What can I do for you, love? Well, I'm not here to have me clit flicked.
Need a word with Kelly.
Oh, she's tied up just now.
I've had a word with Paddy and Shane, and they had a thing or two to say.
And I've decided to rethink the whole godmother thing.
Concepta's sound, but on balance I feel your case is stronger.
- What? - You're more grounded.
Even when she isn't high, her head's still in the clouds.
And you only live round the corner.
If a crisis strikes, what good's she propping up the Waldorf bar? And despite having more male customers than Burton's, I feel your heart's in the right place.
You'll do for me.
Deal? Deal.
See ya.
Get out.
What sort of a welcome's that, eh? Sheshe once told me that her that her big dream was to go skinny-dipping at night in Crete.
I kept her messages on me mobile so I can hear her voice.
If there's yellow stuff in it, it's not cancer.
I put sweet corn in that pasta dish.
I were trying out some brown-eye action with a party blower.
But when I took it out, the nozzle got stuck.
I can't get it out.
Will you try? No! Sorry, Carl - anal extractions didn't feature on my auxiliary training course.
You don't need a qualification to work out what's got to be done.
No, but you do need equipment.
Only I don't fancy wasting me whole Friday night in A&E.
- Whoa, we're not going there! - They won't bat an eyelid.
Had a vicar in last week, he had a 12-inch candle up him.
Said he fell backwards putting up curtains! You're nowt special.
I'm not going, Max.
What's that? Any bit of wind and it goes off.
It's like having an internal mouth organ.
Hey, Carl, give us a tune before you go.
Christ Almighty.
How much was lifted? Were they armed? OK, OK.
I'll be right with you.
Just what I fucking need! I love you.
- Don't fuck up.
- No, I won't.
Who the fuck am I? Who thefuckam I? Mr Maguire, Mr Maguire! So why are you treating me like Bill Gates or bloody Carnegie? You're a charity case all right, but not one I'm supporting.
So where the fuck's my money? As it's small, a little irrigation'll budge it.
As me vac's being serviced anyway.
Are you sure you know what you're doing? Every other day I do a rectal removal.
I dislodge, I douche, I dab some talc and I return it to its wife.
Come on, Carl.
Drop 'em.
Ready? Do I look stupid? He's out getting the rest now.
There are some people in this world who learn their lessons well, take on board advice, move on and have relatively happy little lives.
And there are those that don't.
You are obviously of the latter.
Fuck you! You don't scare me! I know people.
And once you're out of intensive care, you go see those people and ask them if they know Paddy Maguire! I guarantee they will! You've got How's my favourite bum boy? Last time I slipped your Chrissy one, she said he was fine.
- Paddy through there? - No, I'll give him a bell.
Been ringing him for ages - just keeps ringing out.
Yeah? Two minutes, yeah? Cheers, son.
- Is me dad here? - Nipped out for the papers.
On a Saturday morning, there's nothing that Mr Maguire and I like more than to talk current affairs over a pot of Lady Grey.
Really? Is he fuck here.
Sean's here with the delivery, and Dad's not in.
You got three grand in the safe? Do I look like a man who's got three grand in a safe? You can set your watch by Sean.
Every Saturday at 12.
Dad never misses him.
There's definitely something up.
Pint of the dark stuff please, Jamie.
Three grand, me tips.
Karen all right? Not every day you forget where your kid is, eh? - You weren't laughing the other day.
- Nah, she's fine.
- And that is on the house.
- Good.
So long as the baby blues haven't struck.
She's just tired, that's all.
We both are.
Having a baby in the house really takes it out of you.
A mate of mine said that him and his missus are that knackered at the end of the day, all they're fit for in bed is sleep.
Your love life's out the window, you're skint all the time.
The strain was unbelievable.
Hey, but listen, he didn't have what you and Karen have got, d'you know what I mean, mate? - Jamie? - Yes, mate.
- Here's the rascal.
You wanna keep him? - Pass.
Should have it framed.
Once it's been disinfected, obviously.
Health freaks would pay hundreds for this treatment.
If you know any, tell them I'll do it cheaper.
- Cheers, Lillian.
- It was all my pleasure.
- I underestimated you.
- How? Never thought for a second you'd ever really consider being my bum chum.
So, how can I make it up to you? You can have anything you like.
You OK? We'll have to make a bit of "us" time, won't we? We're more than just Mum and Dad.
Let's have a night out, eh? Too much effort.
Once we've booked a table and found a sitter, done the feeds, got his clothes sorted for the next day, got meself sorted, all I'm fit for is bed.
Things'll get better, yeah? I'm sorry.
I'm not complaining.
You and Connor are my world now.
If anything happened, if anythingdamaged us I don't know what I'd do.
Hey nothing is gonna damage us.
All right? Dad, it's Micky.
Give us a bell, yeah? Peace offering.
You know where the bar is.
I knew you said you'd sort it, but I didn't fancy your odds.
You know what, you lot probably mock those South Sea Islanders, with bones through their noses, performing their shaman rituals.
When, in fact, you are partaking in exactly the same bollocks.
About tomorrow, Frank.
A verbal invite do ya? Be nice to see you there for Katie's sake.
Free bar.
Oh, thanks, Mimi, love - yeah, I'll try and show me face.
But what I was about to say is that common myths bind us.
- Have either of you seen Dad? - Am I some kind of baby-sitter now? He's a big boy.
He can look after himself.
Help us look for him.
Micky, you know your dad.
He'll be fine.
Get yourself a drink, sit yourself down and stop worrying.
He won't thank you for it.
What's up? Seriously, what's up? If he's as nice as you say he is, he won't mind helping, will he? Micky! Long time no see.
Ady.
How are things with you and the missus? It's all right, he's a fully paid-up member of the Uphill Shit Stabbers.
It's over.
I came home one day and found her at it with the man next door.
Didn't think that'd bother ya.
Not after what we got up to.
And the man over the road and the man at the back and the man from next door but one.
So you've left, then? Yeah, I've been living with an interior designer from Cambodia.
Can't string a sentence together, but the flat looks fantastic, and the things he can do with a wok have to be seen to be believed.
You should come round one night, both of you.
I'm here about my dad.
He's missing.
- Well, how long? - About 12 hours.
I've been on benders longer than that! He's never done this before.
Ady, please Look, this isn't like him.
Something's happened, I know it, and no fucker'll believe me, and you're my last hope.
Please, Ady, you've gotta help us.
Please.
You're through to Paddy Maguire.
Leave a message.
Right, and what should happen now is the base station will flag up the phone's location.
There we go.
Got ya! - Dad, it's me! - Micky, Micky, calm down.
- Can you hear me? - Paddy, Paddy.
I'm going to radio for help.
Thanks a million for finding him.
That was down to Micky.
He led the investigation.
- This is all down to me.
- Nah, it's not just you, Jamie.
It's neither of you.
No-one's fault.
He knew the risks he was taking.
He asked for our help, and we said no.
We let him down, Mum.
All of us.
Well, nearly all of us.
- Oh, he's gorgeous.
Look at him! - Done well.
Eating, sleeping - Right.
Grub's up! - You're pushing the boat out.
Well, we won't get to eat till the other side of service, so There won't be a service.
But this is Connor's big day.
Yeah, but not without my dad, it isn't.
We're cancelling.
Right, Mum? And how would we explain that to wee Connor? All I need is a clean shirt and I'll be with you.
Patrick? It's time.
You passed muster? Eventually.
I believe in one God, the Father Almighty, maker of all things visible and invisible.
If you'd like to I'm not sure if I can.
It's just I don't actually believe in God.
But if I'm called on, I'll teach him to respect people, no matter what they do or don't believe in, as long as they're decent.
And I'll pray to a God I'm not sure exists that he's loved.
I'm a prostitute, Father.
Ex-junkie.
But I know good from bad.
And if I can teach him that, it's job done, really, isn't it? I'm sorry if I've offended.
I just don't want to let Connor down.
Or meself.
Here, someone thought they were very clever phoning Concepta, putting on a voice, telling her that her flight had been cancelled.
Only the thick fucking prick of a prankster forgot to withhold the number! Didn't you, Shane?! Fuck.
Word's been put out.
Tell you what, whoever brings us that kid is gonna be well flush.
Who put the word out? Me, J, Shane.
Well, you'd no fucking right.
I'm the director of Maguire Limited.
I make the executive decisions.
He's gonna pay for this, Dad.
Risking your lives? For what? For what? No more of my cubs will die on my account.
Call it off.
But he hurt you, and they need to know no-one does that to our old man.
Are you fuckin' deaf? Call it off! Hey, sexy.
What happened to that Long Wet Spicy Screw? I was just savouring the thought of it.
Are those limes ready yet, babe? Ah! Is he any lighter now he's washed of mortal sin? Didn't you fancy jumping in yourself, taking a spiritual cleanse? You can't just turn up and get christened, Frank.
- There is a program.
- Oh, there's a program! But what would be the point, eh? You'd only blot your copy book the next day.
You're like me, you are.
Lured by earthly pleasures.
How could you speak to Micky like that, in public? The only one who you wouldn't invite into the business, but the only one who went out looking for you.
Call yourself a father.
Bang! Bang! I thought raspberries were your favourite.
Not when they're covered in melted cow bone! The more I demanded, the more she dug in! The call was a last resort.
I just I just wanted to make it good.
I want a man, Shane, a grown-up.
But until I find one, suppose I'll have to make do with you! Come on.
Shit, I'm sorry! For fuck's sake! Why don't you go back to the loo where you've come from, clean yourself up? She's a slut.
D'you know what? Paddy nearly died yesterday and it woke me up to something.
Life's too short.
I'm not going to waste my life waiting for you, Karen.
You've got two men in your life.
Why can't I have two women? Look at that.
Looks like a platypus on safari.
What the fuck did you just say? - Nothing, Paddy.
- A platypus on safari?! That's right, run, you yellow-bellied gobshite.
Utter another word that's less than kind, and I'll do to you what mother nature should've done I'll erase you for good! Nice one, Dad.
How do you think she's feeling now? Listen You know something, Paddy, you make the china shop bull look socially deft.
I was protecting my family, like any good father should.
Is that so contemptible? If you don't tell me what you want, I can't help you.
She's doing my head in.
What's wrong with Katie now? The kiddies entertainer, the fella you elbowed? - With the broken nose? - He won't be performing now.
Once upon a time, there was a king who lived in a mighty castle.
He had all the things a man could wish for.
But he was a lonely king.
That's right.
There was something missing.
- Are you with me so far? - Yes.
Then one day, he came across a gorgeous young woman.
And before too long, they were madly, madly in love.
And the gods blessed them with beautiful children.
And he and his queen loved them unconditionally.
But the queen grew bored and looked to entertain herself.
Live her own life.
Without his family around him, without their love, he floundered and he lost his crown.
His daughter tried to He lost his family and he lost his queen.
He watched as his queen threw everything she had they had down the drain.
She wanted him dead.
Never thought that he might be in need of some fucking assistance.
Never thought that he might be actually screaming out for some kind of help.
Come on.
All he was looking for was someone anyone to fucking listen! Just to fucking listen! That's all.
That's all.
Right, we're off to bed.
Night, Mum.
- Night, Mimi.
- Night, Karen.
We're gonna get off an' all.
Ghandi, Collins, yer woman who wouldn't budge on the bus.
All heroes.
All freedom fighters.
Few will ever be known for grand acts of courage like them.
But the taking of any liberty, whether it's freeing yourself to love, or speaking what your heart truly feels, now that takes balls.
Night.
Pull the door to.
Breaking the shackles of mental and emotional incarceration.
Only a big man manages that.
So, you've converted to Judaism, but you're having violent cravings for pork scratchings? God, yeah.
I'll see what I can do.