The Conners (2018) s07e02 Episode Script

1
Where are the cameras?
The the cameras
Oh, "Restaurant 9-1-1"!
Is this the one they filmed
at The Lunch Box?
Uh, yeah. What gave it away?
Harris and the family on TV?
If only my eyes were that good,
small person with a blurry face
and dark hair.
Sit down. You didn't miss much.
So far, it's just been
Chef Chestnut telling Jackie
that her cooking is the enemy
of taste buds everywhere.
I could jab a knife into my hip
and I'd cry real tears!
I can't believe
how these Hollywood types
cut this show together.
I look all defensive and crazy.
Yeah, they didn't cut anything.
It's one long shot.
There's no way I was glaring
at the guy like that.
That's obviously a special effect.
And you hear how
they make my voice sound?
It's all shrill and angry!
[shrill voice] That's exactly
what you sound like!
No, I don't! America thinks
all women sound like that!
That's the problem!
I got to pee!
Pretty weird
seeing yourself on TV, right?
Yeah.
I always thought
the first time I saw myself
would be on "Cops,"
stealing copper wire
out of streetlights.
By the way, apropos of nothing,
where do you actually take the
copper wire to get that money?
Finances a little tight lately?
Yeah.
I've been having a hard time keeping up.
[screaming] Aren't you living
in sin with a pilot?
I'm not going to ask him for money.
But I will occasionally
take a 20 out of his wallet
as a "open bathroom door tax."
Mom, look.
There's Ben falling in love
with Adam Chestnut on TV.
Bet that's a nice reminder
of what your husband looks like, huh?
If you think I'm bothered
that I never see him anymore
because he's launching
a magazine, you're wrong.
Maybe someday,
somebody will love you enough
to avoid you at all costs.
Aww. There you are, Grandpa.
- You look great.
- Yeah.
I think standing again
while I brush my teeth
is really paying off.
[phone ringing]
Hey, Tyler.
Thank you.
He's watching it from New York.
Oh, honey,
I don't think my eyes
look like sparkling diamonds.
They're blue.
They're more like brilliant sapphires.
Oh, you're missing a 20?
Oh, it might be, uh, somebody
from my lowlife family.
Everybody says hi.
Wow, we already have
over a thousand new followers
on The Lunch Box Instagram
from the show.
Anything on there about
how the previous owner's
passion and intellect
shines through the cracks
of this show's obvious
smear campaign against her?
Uh, no.
But someone did make a nice GIF
comparing you to a howler monkey.
You know,
I don't mean to brag, but Tyler's right.
I look pretty good on TV.
I bet some of those Lunch Box followers
want to see more of me.
Well, you are attractive to
people who don't know you yet.
Maybe I should be an influencer.
They make a lot of money.
I got plenty of rizz.
I just got to figure out my hook.
Well, here's a guy
with a million followers
being kicked in the groin by a kangaroo.
- That could be you.
- [knock at door]
Hey, Jean.
Hey, how you doing, Dan?
Great. Come on in.
Everybody, this is Jean.
Now, Jackie,
I know you're still mad at me
about not suing
the drug company over Roseanne,
so as a peace offering,
I thought I'd introduce you
to a really good lawyer.
Oh, we know each other.
Last time Jean and I
saw each other was in court,
when her client allegedly
contracted hepatitis in
the bathroom at The Lunch Box.
Really? Not the kitchen?
Well, he was a member
of the City Council.
And I had no idea a lot of them
were intravenous drug users.
Well, she helped me
sue a contractor once.
Bastard didn't tell me
about his unstable roof.
Oh, and I wish I could have
gotten you more for that,
but you weren't paralyzed.
[sighs] So much of this is luck.
- How's business?
- Oh, terrible.
All these new cars have
automatic braking,
so you can't throw yourself
in front of one
and make an honest buck anymore.
Well, I'm going to grab a beer.
Should we take this to the kitchen?
Cold one?
Oh, I'd love one.
But I got to blow into
my ignition to start my car.
Just so you know,
I'm only suing because
somebody's got to stand up to
these pharmaceutical companies
when the deceased partner won't do it.
Well, it's a better case
if the spouse lays out
the whole experience,
really selling the pain and suffering.
It's called loss of consortium.
And you establish that,
well, the three cherries
come up on the slot machine,
the sirens go off,
and everyone in the casino
wishes they were you.
You're talking about
the death of my wife here.
Oh, I'm sorry. That was insensitive.
You like boats? Yeah
there's nothing for grief
like being out on the open water
with a beer in one hand,
marlin pole in the other.
Hey, and if you get out
into international waters?
[chuckles] You can do
all kinds of nasty stuff.
I'll remember that,
but I'm not going
to change my mind, Jean.
Okay. Of course.
I will just leave the paperwork
with Jackie.
And get it back to me
as quick as you can.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you, thank you.
Sure. Thank you. Thank you, Dan.
Uh, hey, Jackie?
You think he'd mind if I hung out a bit?
'Cause I'd actually
really love that beer.
But I got to drink a gallon
of water and wait a few hours.
Unless you got a skateboard.
You got a skateboard?
Um
No, no.
Don't have that.
Um
Uh, you can just let yourself out.
7x02 - Fame, Flying Fists, and Cold Feet
[bluesy rock music]
♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
[sighs] Hey, Aunt Jackie.
Thank you again for coming in to help.
I knew the TV show was going
to bring in a lot of people,
but, I mean, this is pretty crazy.
No. No worries.
Feels great to tie the apron strings
and get back in the saddle again.
- [cash register rings]
- Oh, she's still purrs for Mama.
Wow.
This might be my fault.
I think they're here
just to get a peek at me,
just to see if I'm for real.
They probably thought I was AI
because of all the perfection
and everything.
Before you fall into
that lake you're looking into,
would you please deliver
this grilled cheese
to that customer
at the end of the counter?
Yeah, sure.
Sorry, I'm getting ready
for my first livestream.
You're going to have
to hire more people.
Once I get enough followers,
I'll get paid sponsors
and I won't have to work here anymore.
Not to mention the disability money
you'll be getting from
your break with reality.
What's up, single moms?
It's your girl Becky
from "Restaurant 9-1-1."
But I'm more than a hot waitress.
I'm a hot mom, student, girlfriend,
and someone who can still fit
in her high school jeans.
Speaking of hot moms
who can do it all
This is my daughter, Beverly Rose.
Hey, can I help you with your homework?
You never ask me that.
Why you asking me now?
I ask to help you all the time.
She's a little camera-shy.
No, I'm not.
I just don't need attention like you.
Oh, my gosh. Look who it is.
Hey, it's my boss, Harris,
the owner of The Lunch Box.
What up, niece?
Please don't mention me,
The Lunch Box, or America.
We're all embarrassed for you.
Oh, oh! Got a lot of comments coming.
Oh, I guess you want to see
Beverly Rose again.
Oh, nope. She's on to us.
Less of the desperate, old blonde,
more of the sarcastic kid?
Okay, hey.
We don't want any of that
hateful trolling here, okay?
E-excuse me?
Shut up, Reese Deliver-spoon?
[upbeat bluesy music]
Hey.
Hey.
How about this?
Ben felt so bad about
putting our relationship
on the back burner that
he set up this romantic dinner.
Oh, and he even printed up
this little card.
"I hate when we're apart,
but it just makes our time
together more special."
And it's signed "B."
Aw.
Yeah, "B" for Becky.
I wrote that.
Wait, what?
It's for Tyler.
I told him people were
being mean to me online,
so he's flying back from Paris
just to spend some time with me
for a couple hours.
I mean, who does that, right?
Well, I let myself get happy
for a second,
so I had it coming.
Sorry.
And this may not be the best timing,
but, uh, Ben came by
and told me to tell you
that he grabbed some clothes
because he has to sleep
at the office again tonight.
[Darlene scoffs]
Did he say if he was sleeping
in the front or back of the office?
I don't want to drive my car
through the wrong part.
[sighs] I know it's rough.
But he's not going to be
working around the clock forever.
But he says that.
But he's just setting up
the magazine right now.
When he's in production,
the hours are going to be even worse.
Sorry about that.
Oh, and if you don't mind,
uh, could you stay in your room
for the next few hours
so that all of this
doesn't kill the mood tonight?
Uh, don't worry.
I'm going to go to the Lobo
because all of this
doesn't want to see all of that
get all worked up
and do something disgusting
on top of all of this.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Hey. Saw your truck outside.
What are you watching?
Highlights of the Bulls game,
but that got depressing,
so I flipped over
to a documentary about microplastics.
I like knowing what
I'm putting in my body.
Did you know they found them
in 100% of human testicles?
[button clicks]
Well, we have to talk.
I filled out all the paperwork
and Jean says I don't have a case.
I was never financially
supported by Roseanne
and she didn't live with me,
so unless you sue, it's over.
Why are you even here?
[sighs] Well,
Jean told me the same thing.
And I knew you'd try
to hunt me down at the house,
so I came here.
It's the best hiding place
I could think of with pie.
Jean says you have a slam dunk case.
I don't know how many times
I could tell you
or how many ways to show you.
It's blood money and I don't want it.
Yeah, I knew you were going to say that.
Um, I was going through some
texts from Roseanne from 2018
to get details for the lawyer.
And I found something
that I want to read to you.
This is the night before
she had her knee surgery.
Oh, she was on pain pills, Jackie.
We all got strange texts.
She thought you were an alien.
I texted back, "That explains a lot.
But the truth is probably
more disturbing than that."
Okay, uh, just listen to this.
"I'm worried sick about Dan.
"If I can't work again,
"he'll push himself to cover us
and it'll kill him.
"He's worked so damn hard
his whole life.
"I just want him to be able
to kick his feet up one day.
"And I don't see the kids
being able to help him.
I don't see Becky ever
putting down the bottle"
- [Dan sighs]
- "Or Darlene
ever being able to trap another man."
And then I wrote back to her,
"You're being silly.
"You'll be fine and you guys will live
a long, happy life together."
And that is one of the
last times we ever texted.
The last one was
uh, "You're an idiot.
You're ruining your life.
You're dah-dah-dah-dah-dah."
Yeah, God, I miss her.
Well, she was wrong.
- I'm fine.
- Are you?
You paid off the house.
But that used up
all the insurance money.
And I know your pension's not that much,
so you're basically
living off of social security.
Roseanne wanted you to have more.
Okay, Jackie, I got it.
I've got another hiding place,
but this one has cake.
Don't follow me.
[bluesy rock music]
Well, my last beer was from Colorado,
so let's keep heading west
and follow the Oregon Trail.
I want to feel the
same sense of adventure
the pioneers felt.
You know, minus the rattlesnake
bites and the cannibalism.
Hi.
Sorry to bother you,
but could you take a picture of us?
Oh, sure. No problem.
Okay. There you go.
Actually, can you take another one
with us looking into each other's eyes?
I don't feel good about it, but I can.
All right.
Now maybe just one more
where we're kissing?
Uh, listen
My beer came all the way
from Oregon to be with me
and I don't want to be rude
and make it wait.
So last one, all right?
Okay.
It's it's enough, you guys.
Uh, no.
[metallic clang]
Hey. Why'd you do that?
Because you're disgusting,
and no one wants
to see you guys frenching
like a couple of horny teenagers.
Uh, bye!
Or is it because nobody wants
to do that with you, bitch?
[gasps]
Are you serious?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Cool out.
- No, no, this isn't about you.
- Whoa, cool out.
- Don't touch me!
- Hey, you're way too close.
- Don't touch me, bro!
- You don't touch me.
No, you stay
[groans] Damn it.
Let's get out of here.
Yeah, that's right.
You better walk away.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah.
- Crap. Does it look okay?
- Oh.
Uh, well,
if you wanted the blood
on the outside of your nose,
then you nailed it.
[chuckling] Okay.
Uh, can we get something cold
for his face?
Mm.
Do you have anything domestic?
I don't even know this guy.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Again, I am so sorry.
I don't usually fight
with people like that.
To be honest, they were
driving me crazy, too.
There's something about
people being happy in public.
It's just wrong.
Right? That's why I came here tonight.
It's dark, everybody's
depressed and miserable.
These are my people.
If you want to be happy,
you go to Chi-Chi's.
[chuckles] Yeah, I hear you.
I just, uh, separated from my wife.
And all I want is a beer
and to look around at people
who are worse off than me.
[chuckles] Well, look no further.
You found your gal.
Yeah? What's your sad story?
My husband is working 24/7,
so I'm alone a lot and I miss him.
What's he do that keeps him so busy?
He is starting a hardware magazine.
Why?
We're not supposed to ask that.
Uh, he's going through something.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Well, not being with
your partner sucks, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- It's like every song you hear
is about breaking up and
everybody you see is in love.
And the little gecko in the
insurance commercial says
[British accent]
You're going to die alone.
[normally] Oh, no, that could
have been the edible.
[chuckles]
Uh, two more beers, please.
Oh, I'm Darlene, by the way.
Chad.
Mm, Chad.
Were you just playing your hot
sax over at "St. Elmo's Fire"?
Yeah, I wouldn't be making fun of names
if I had one that sounds like
you got done wrong
by your two-timing man
[Southern accent] Darlene.
[laughs]
Oh, you think you're funny, huh?
All right, I like that.
[bluesy rock music]
♪
Hey.
Haven't seen you go live for a while.
What's up?
Did you see any of the comments?
Mm, I glanced.
I saw the word "desperate" a lot
and also the word "old"
and then various combinations
of the two.
Yeah, they were brutal.
It was like having a thousand
Darlenes coming at me,
but without any
of the fake love underneath.
Do you ever go to a carnival
and see the game
where you throw a ball
and if it hits the bull's-eye,
some poor dumbass gets dunked
in the water tank?
They were looking at that
when they built social media.
Well, I'm done.
As much as I need the money,
that whole influencer thing
is too toxic.
Oh, I understand.
You have to protect yourself.
Oh, no.
No, not me. I'm tough.
I can take it.
It's bad for Beverly Rose.
She's worked too hard
to overcome her issues
to leave her self-esteem
in the hands of those monsters.
Yeah.
Uh, for the record,
I think she looks
pretty damn good for her age.
Thank you.
She went through a phase
where she smoked and drank,
but staying out of the sun saved her.
Here.
Want some company?
From the very bottom of my heart, no.
Dad, we all have a little
something to say to you.
I'm on Team Jackie.
She showed us the text,
and it's pretty clear
that Mom would want you to get
money from the drug company.
Dad, it is also clear
that Mom thought
we would never be capable
of taking care of you,
and the sad news is
even though we are doing
a little bit better
and I did manage to trap a man
you're probably still on your own.
Oh, Grandpa, you took me
and Mom and Mark in
when we had no place else to go,
so I just want you to know
that wherever I go,
you can live in the basement.
Harris, we're trying
to talk him into suing.
Do not give him options.
It's okay, Jackie.
Even with the generous offer
of me living underground,
I have no intention of being
a burden on any of you.
Okay, Mr. Stoic.
We're running out of time.
There's a statute of
limitations on these things.
- She died 6 1/2 years ago.
- [Dan sighs]
It's now or never.
It's now.
I knew this was going to
be hard on me to do this,
but now that I realize
what Rosie wanted for me,
I'm not going to let her down.
[sighing] Oh!
So you let us all make
these stupid, little speeches
and you knew the whole time
you were going to sue?
I'm on social security.
This is my entertainment.
[laughter]
No, I knew the minute
Jackie read the text.
And I talked it over
with Louise and she agrees.
But thank you all for worrying about me.
If we get anything from this lawsuit,
I will extend the same amount
of security to you
as what is extended to me.
[chuckles nervously]
Did I say basement?
I meant the big bedroom.
Too late.
To taking money from big corporations
that killed your spouse.
- Mm.
- Hear.
Very heartfelt and not usable
in many situations.
[bluesy harmonica music]
Seriously digging
this Massachusetts IPA.
You can just tell the hops
were ground by hand
by real Boston artisans.
You can really taste
the notes of cheese
in my Wisconsin lager.
That's a Miller Lite!
Oh, I might have dripped
some of my mozzarella stick in there.
Hello, Conner clan. Good to see you.
Dan, got your paperwork right here.
We're going to win this thing.
[chuckles]
Hey, can I get an Alaskan ale
and six glasses of water?
Well, I'm here for three hours.
What do you guys want to talk about?
[child giggles]