The Neighborhood (2018) s07e02 Episode Script

1
(SNORING)
Calvin.
Calvin.
(TV TURNS ON)
(LOUD ACTION MOVIE SOUND EFFECTS)
- (TV TURNS OFF)
- I was watching that.
Do you hear that?
Hear what?
I think I hear the baby crying.
The baby in the house next door?
Yes. What if Daphne is crying?
You know, Marty and Courtney,
they don't know what to do.
- They're new parents.
- Okay, babe,
look, they'll figure it out.
I know you loved having that
baby over here the first night,
but her place is with her parents.
(SIGHS)
- Come on now. Come on.
- Okay, fine.
I know I'm not crazy.
I know I heard the baby crying.
You ain't heard nothing crying
from all the way over here.
(GROANS) (STAMMERS, GROANS)
(DAPHNE CRYING)
Where did you leave her pacifier?
Shh. I don't want to wake Malcolm up.
Oh, good, you're already up.
Technically, I am still up.
I never fell asleep.
Is something on your mind, Malcolm?
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm
concerned about plastic straws.
Oh, they're making
them out of pasta now.
I don't give a damn about them straws.
Look, it is impossible to
get any sleep around here.
No offense. I love my niece,
but she has got our mama's lungs.
(GASPS)
(SHRIEKS)
You not even gonna wipe that off?
Why?
Hey, Marty, how about you trade
and let Malcolm sleep out here?
I'm sure it's quieter than
being next door to Daphne.
I can hear everything
through those thin walls.
Daphne crying, Courtney pumping,
Marty crying.
I'm just so tired.
(MARTY AND DAPHNE CRYING)
Where you going?
I just remembered. I
need some kumquats.
Nobody "needs" kumquats,
especially not at 2:00 in the morning.
(SIGHS)
I got a craving for kumquat marmalade.
Are you gonna tell me that
I don't need marmalade?
Babe, this is literally
the first time in my life
I ever heard you say
the word "marmalade."
And you only going
to that kumquat tree
because it's next to
Marty's kitchen window.
(GASPS) You're spying.
Okay, well, I'm going over there.
- Don't you go over there.
- I'm going over there.
Don't you go over there.
She going over there.
Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
Welcome to the hood. ♪
What's up, party people?
Let's freakin' go.
I haven't slept in two days.
There is no party, and I'm
not freakin' going anywhere.
Uh-oh. Baby?
Baby. Up crying half the night.
Hey, man, I'm exhausted, too,
and you don't hear me complaining.
Well, you don't get to
complain. It's your baby.
You know, if you want,
I could come over and handle
the overnight feedings,
and then give her some breakfast,
have a quick bath,
take her for a walk,
have some lunch, a nap, and then, uh,
have her back in time for dinner.
Mama, we really appreciate
everything that you've done,
but we got it.
Anyway, I hate to run,
but I have got a date
with a little lady who
wants to throw up in my mouth.
I am so tired, and I
have a midterm tomorrow.
You know what? (CLEARS THROAT)
I'm-a get a room at
the Marengo Suites.
CALVIN: Hmm.
That's smart thinking,
'cause nobody is getting
any sleep around here
until that baby gets some sleep.
Wait, Gemma.
I have a solution.
- The magic blue chair.
- The magic blue chair.
Let's freakin' go.
Uh, what-what's the magic blue chair?
Oh, it's this super
snuggly vibrating chair
that no baby can resist.
Sounds great. Where is it?
Ooh, it's in my attic. Calvin
(CHUCKLES) I'm telling you,
Grover used to sleep 21
hours a day in this thing.
Hearing that out loud,
that probably wasn't good.
Let's freakin' go.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
Y'all go ahead.
Found it.
Ooh. Maybe before we give it to them,
we should peel the
14-year-old Cheerios off it first.
Hey, Gem, look at this.
It's a bunch of old lists I made.
"Rockin' Band Names."
- "Top Ten Dogs."
- (CHUCKLES)
- Ooh. "Things to Do Before I'm 40."
- Huh.
"Ride a camel."
"Scale the Sears Tower."
(CHUCKLES)
Man, I haven't done
any of these things.
"Meet Mr. T."
"Franchise a Boston Market."
"Learn Japanese 'the hard way.'"
What does that even mean?
Well, I don't remember.
(SIGHS) But I haven't done it.
I mean, I haven't done
any of these things.
"Party like a rock star."
"See five geysers."
Come on, how many geysers are there?
Gemma, this is awful.
I'm over 40,
and what have I accomplished? Nothing.
Hello, you have a wife and a child.
Come on, everyone
has those, big whoop.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Okay, wait, look at number 11.
"Leave Kalamazoo, move to
a big city." You did that.
Yeah, because you got
this great job here.
Slept my way into that.
Yes, hello, room service.
Do I need to have a child
to order off the kids' menu?
I understand.
Then my son will be
having the dino nuggets,
the mac and cheese,
and your finest IPA.
(DAPHNE CRYING)
What the hell?
Did you go and steal that baby?
What? No. I'm not crazy.
I just hid a baby monitor
in a stuffed animal
in Daphne's nursery.
Now I can be sure to hear
if my baby needs help.
Tina, you the one that need help.
- (DAPHNE FUSSING OVER MONITOR)
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
You hear that? She needs to burp.
Okay, you know what?
This has gone too far.
Do you realize that you
are already over there,
all day every day?
- And now I don't have to be.
- (DAPHNE BURPS)
Burp. There it is. I told you.
That's it. That's it.
I'm not gonna be a part of this.
Well, where you going? I don't know,
but you need to be stormed out on.
Set my alarm for 8:00 a.m.
Mm-hmm.
Before I forget
Mm.
Oh, God, no.
Your mother is driving me crazy.
You know Ooh. This a good idea.
I do not want to be disturbed.
What side the bed you want?
Mm. Parking lot view, but it'll do.
Yes, it'll do, for me. Pop,
look, why are you here?
(CHUCKLES) You know I
love your mama, right?
But I need me some alone time.
Ooh, uh, you gonna finish
these dino nuggets?
I was planning to.
Never mind.
You got honey mustard.
I raised you better than
that. We ketchup people.
Now, this bed does look comfy.
I haven't slept in days.
Man. Ooh.
Oh. (GROANS)
Th-This is my bed, Pop.
We in a hotel, man.
You can get your own.
And pay for two rooms?
Boy, I raised you
better than that now.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Listen, if that's room service,
see if they got some ketchup
for the dino nuggets.
Get your own ketchup, man.
Oh, good, Malcolm,
it's you. Oh, my God.
Ugh.
All right. I found him!
Yeah, sorry about all that.
(LAUGHS) Lovely meeting all of you.
Why are you here?
Aw, man. I forgot to
turn off my ringer.
Then I got a Scrabble alert,
and that woke up the baby.
She started screaming, then
Courtney started screaming,
then she said, "I'm
counting to three."
I was in the car by two.
Boy, that is a good
move, 'cause trust me,
you do not want to see three.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This ain't your room.
Uh, Pop, this ain't your room.
But I'm already in the bed.
- Hey, Courtney.
- Hey.
Yeah, some of your mail
was accidentally
delivered to my house.
I just wanted to make sure you got it.
It's addressed to "current resident."
Yeah, that's you.
Oh, my little gumdrop. (LAUGHS)
Are you sure she should
be moving that fast?
Oh, she's fine. You know, studies show
a consistent lateral gliding motion
increases the number of
sleep-related brain oscillators,
and you stopped listening, didn't you?
You know, I'm just gonna, uh,
turn this thing down to "slow."
Well, that's not slow,
that's unplugged.
Yeah, that works, too.
(DAPHNE CRIES)
Oh, I know. I know.
Yes, your mama Tina
just saved you from
that terrible machine.
Oh, yes,
she did.
Malcolm, hey, before I hop in,
are you taking the shower cap?
The one you're wearing, Marty?
No, you can keep it.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
God, does anybody know what
"do not disturb" means?
Okay. Good, you're all here.
You can ignore the group text.
- Uh, we did.
- I already did.
- I blocked you.
- I blocked you.
All right, now, I need
you to be honest with me.
This is not helpful
if you're not honest.
Have I wasted my life?
Wasted?
Dave, you have a wife and child.
Gosh, you sound just like Gemma.
Look. Look at this.
I made this list 20 years ago.
All of my life goals.
Oh, damn, he's about to read it.
I am 42 years old,
and I have only seen two geysers,
one of which was Old Faithful,
and that's just a gimme.
Well, Dave, you know what they say.
You can't compare yourself to people
who've seen more geysers than you.
Oh.
If only it was just the geysers.
I've never ridden in a sidecar,
I never got my Frasier
reboot off the ground
and I have never once
partied like a rock star.
I think they did a Frasier reboot.
(SCOFFS) I know,
and it was magnificent.
All right, you know what?
Dave, calm down,
you're bringing down the
vibe in my hotel room.
It is not
your hotel room.
Wait a minute.
What do you got in that mini fridge?
Ain't no ketchup.
Okay, all right.
Two Amstel Lights and
a mini chardonnay.
Tonight, I'm partying
like a rock star.
This hotel room is getting trashed.
Oh. Okay, okay.
Uh, they have my credit card on file.
Let's not get crazy, Dave.
That's exactly what
we are going to do.
Get crazy.
Marty, crank the clock
radio to Jack FM.
I'm not gonna do that.
Okay, fine. One of you guys
pop that chardonnay.
I'm gonna throw the TV out the window.
Again, again,
my card is on file.
It's about to get lit in here, man.
We're doing this thing right!
It's really They screwed
it all the way into the wall.
All right, okay, look, look.
If we're really gonna turn
this thing into a party,
let's just get some glasses,
we'll get the ice filled up,
let's get the thing rolling, okay?
Hoo-hoo-hoo!
This tiny chardonnay
must be really good
because it is $30.
Okay, all right.
I'm going to my car.
I'm getting my Scattergories.
Uh, no, no, no. You know what?
You go to your car and leave.
All of you, right now.
You know what? That's right, Malcolm.
Everybody get on out of here. Go, now.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You, too, Pop.
Everybody got to go. Right now. Out.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
Ain't no ketchup in here, man.
COURTNEY (OVER MONITOR): Hey, Marty,
I'm sorry I snapped at you before.
Ooh, you'd better be.
You were way out of line.
I just lost it.
Yeah, giving my son the countdown.
That's my move.
MARTY: You know, I got to admit,
I'm so tired, I don't even remember
what we were fighting about.
COURTNEY: Well, anyway,
your mother stopped by.
She's so sweet. Aw.
But, boy, she can be a lot.
What?
She came up with excuses
just to show up here
five times today.
Uh Oh (GRUNTING)
To take that baby out of that
oscillating death saucer? My bad.
MARTY: Okay, now that's my
mother you're talking about.
That's right, you tell her, Marty.
And if I know my mother,
she definitely came here
more than five times.
I mean, that woman is incapable
of staying in her lane.
Watch your mouth, Marty.
COURTNEY: I've been a little
scared to handle Daphne
alone in my apartment, but
I think it's time.
Your apartment?
Well But that's all
the way across town. No.
That's out of my range.
Gemma, I'm telling you,
David Lee Roth couldn't
get that TV off the wall.
Dave, listen to yourself.
And I'm not talking
about now David Lee Roth,
I'm talking about "Hot for
Teacher" David Lee Roth.
Dave, stop.
Why did you even want
all these things?
I don't know.
Look, I was young,
and everything seemed possible.
And now it's too late.
Too late? For what?
The kid who wrote this list
thought 40 was old.
But it's not. You're just beginning.
(SIGHS) Come on.
Think about where
Marty and Courtney are.
With a newborn?
Their next 13, 14
years, they're screwed.
But Grover's in eighth grade.
He went to the mall
tonight with some friends,
then they're sleeping at Dexter's.
We are going to be freer
- than we've been in years.
- Okay.
To do what?
Anything we want.
I mean, we can start
being stupid again.
Let's just pick one
and set it for this weekend.
Number eight, swimming
with sharks, boom.
Really?
They do shark-diving
trips off Catalina.
Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, we could do that.
We could definitely do that.
Although, you know, the
water is pretty cold
this time of year. Yeah.
Okay, number nine, then.
Run with the bulls in Pamplona.
We've been saving for a
trip, we could do that.
Yeah. When I wrote this list,
I didn't know how mean
they were to the bulls.
Number ten.
Eat every part of a cow.
Yes, I can do that.
I mean, over time. Not in one sitting.
No, of course not.
How about this weekend,
we go out for burgers?
- And not just any burgers.
- No?
- Smash burgers.
- Ooh.
Number ten, I'm coming for you.
Mark-mark mark it off.
Who knows, maybe we'll even see Mr. T.
Come on, Mr. T!
Hey, babe. I'm back.
You were gone?
See, that's exactly it.
You're so obsessed
with that baby monitor,
you didn't even notice I was gone.
How could I notice?
Daphne's moving back
to Courtney's place.
Who told you that?
Marty and Courtney.
Well, what did you say?
Well, they didn't tell me personally.
I heard it on the baby monitor.
You know that's messed up, right?
No, no, no. You know what's messed up?
They said that I was a lot.
Well, you definitely not a little.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.
You agree with them?
Okay. Say what you got to say.
Okay, here's the thing, Tina.
Your feelings wouldn't even be hurt
if you weren't listening in
to other people's
private conversations.
Marty and Courtney are
not "other people."
And they don't know what
they're doing with my baby.
Okay. (CHUCKLES)
And, see, that's the other thing.
She is not your baby.
You know who you're
starting to sound like?
- Don't you say it.
- I'm gonna say it.
- Don't you say it.
- I'm gonna say it.
- Don't you say it.
- I've got to say it.
- My mother!
- Damn it, you said it.
I had to say it, Tina.
It had to be said.
You remember when my mama
used to re-diaper Malcolm?
- Huh?
- (SIGHS)
It made you mad, didn't it?
No.
It was helpful.
Tina
I hated it.
You know,
I had just made the perfect diaper,
and she was always saying,
"Oh, that's too loose, Tina.
"Oh, that's not enough powder, Tina.
Oh, that's not a diaper,
Tina. That's a washcloth."
I mean, it happened one time.
I was exhausted!
Well, you're doing the
same thing to Courtney.
You're right.
What? Ooh, uh (STAMMERS)
I need to get that on my phone.
You-you said I'm right.
Say it again, one more
time, say I'm right.
(STAMMERS) Just repeat right here
into the camera. I'm right.
Say it. "I'm right."
(CHUCKLING): Say
Would your mama say it again?
Your sugar must be low.
I'm gonna get you a cookie.
So, tonight, you're
sleeping at Mommy's,
but Daddy will see
you tomorrow morning.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hello?
Mom?
Since when do you knock?
People can change.
I respect your privacy.
Okay.
We need to tell you something.
Ooh, before you do, I just
wanted to let you know
that I do realize, at some point,
you're going to want to take
Daphne back to your place.
Well Um
And that's okay.
That's okay. I just
wanted to let you know
that when you do come back here,
I promise to work on
staying out of your space,
'cause I know I can be a lot.
You? What? That's crazy.
Who said that?
But I will always be there
for you two and Daphne,
whenever you need me.
But only when you need me.
So don't be scared to
say when you need me,
- because when you need me
- Okay, Mommy? Mommy.
I need you to stop.
But thank you, Mrs. B.
I will definitely need you.
Courtney, you're a good mom.
Really?
No
No, I know that you are,
I just didn't think that she did.
Well, I will leave you to it.
I just want to take this adorable cow
as a keepsake for my baby Daphne.
Okay, bye, y'all. See you later.
It's almost like she heard
what we were talking about last night.
That cow was
definitely wearing a wire.
I swear, that bear's eye
looks like a camera lens.
Yeah, I don't like the
look of this duck, either.