Veep s07e02 Episode Script
Discovery Weekend
1 SELINA MEYER: I love this country.
My candidacy begins right now! - (cheers and applause) - (music plays) MIKE MCLINTOCK: Mike McLintock - SELINA: I know who you are.
- BuzzFeed magazine - Uh-huh.
Okay.
- Print edition.
Okay.
(applause) REPORTER: What would you say to someone who might ask, "How can they marry? They're stepsiblings?" I'm not her brother, and I never was.
Except for that one year.
I'm thinking of having this baby and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father - Okay, goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Amy.
Ma'am, you need to see this.
I believe that our country will always be a shining - beacon of hope.
- Oh, God, he looks good.
(hoedown music playing) SQUARE DANCE CALLER: Now bow to your partner - Bow to your partner.
- Swing your partner Swing your partner.
Ben, I really don't like being told what to do.
Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, and he loves making millionaires square dance.
Bad news, ma'am.
The US Attorney's Office in New York has empaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meyer Fund, and they're looking - What?! Shit! - At Andrew as a target.
- CALLER: Swing the corner - Around the corner.
- Oh Roger.
- Selina, looks like we're swingin' together! I would have invited my wife, but she's a squirter, and that dress doesn't look like it's been Scotch-guarded.
Ever the charmer, Mr.
Party Chairman.
- Roll her away - OK, when do we get - the check from Felix? - End of the weekend.
He's gonna make you official at the final dinner.
Okay.
Well, for that amount of money to my campaign, I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.
CALLER: And give yourself a hand! (crowd applauding) Welcome to my 16th Annual Discovery Weekend.
We're here in Aspen to build bridges to the future.
Bridges made of ideas.
No wonder the rest of the world hates us.
Gayle King is here! - Oh, my God.
- (applause) But you're not here just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions to the problems of tomorrow You wanna square dance! - (hoedown music plays) - I'm done with this.
SELINA: I've waited a long time for this.
I guess Felix Wade always thought I was - BEN: A lightweight? - Goddamnit, I hate that word.
- Why? You're so skinny.
- N Oh.
Yeah.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says.
Oh, come on.
That is idiotic.
- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure? Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure? - Right? Gary gets it.
- FELIX: Madam President.
- Oh, Felix! - I am thrilled that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers.
Well, I'll tell ya a secret, it's the only reason I'm really running for president.
(laughing) Really? I feel like you should have a better reason than that.
Uh Um Well Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? It's been a delight.
I will see you later.
It has been a delight, and you shall see me later.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer? The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.
And is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.
Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy.
The man lives in a vast invisible closet.
- Sounds amazing.
- AMY: I'm gonna be sick.
Wow.
It always has to be about her.
- Never fails.
- Every time.
Can you see if they can make me a specialty cocktail? - Of course.
- Thank you.
(Amy retching) (toilet flushing) (Amy whimpers) Gary.
I've been having an upset stomach, 'cause I, uh, I I ate Ohhh! (retching) (toilet flushing) AMY: Hey, do me a favor and don't say anything to anyone (grunts) OK MIKE: There it is.
Hey, is Kim here? No, she got fired for sleeping with you.
Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.
I should probably thank you.
You are lookin' at the new Deputy Senior Editor.
They're puttin' me up, and all I gotta do is sit on some panel for new media innovators.
What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.
com? Oh, no.
I got hacked.
It's Mike53729.
Still @aol though, right? - Until I die.
- Right.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what? - Amy's bulimic.
- What?! - Well, it's about time.
- Yeah! And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider a little more purging, a little less bingeing.
God, that girl can't do anything right.
- AMY: Ma'am, I am so sorry - KENT: Amy, you got some vomit on your mustache.
SELINA: What the Rocky Mountain fuck?! Ben! I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing.
- So I was told.
- So why don't you go find out? AMY: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.
Uh Tom! Look what the Gulfstream dragged in.
Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.
4:30.
Kent, can you remind me real quick, how many points am I beating Tom by? Des Moines Register says 18 points.
Ooh, 18 points! Oh, my goodness! That makes me moister than an oyster.
- Plus or minus four points.
- OK, still pretty moist.
Although a lot of Iowans no longer have landlines.
- It's fine.
- Senator James, we need to keep moving.
Ma'am.
Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass? That is my Deputy Chief of Staff, Michelle York.
She's basically my Amy.
- Well, my Amy has bulimia.
- Yeah.
- No one likes a braggart, Selina.
- Tom, what are you doing here? Just an old friend of Felix's, and I guess he thought I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen.
- Uh-huh.
- Make some new friends.
- Good morning, jerk-offs.
- ALL: Morning, ma'am.
Ma'am, apparently last night Tom and Felix ended up closing down the Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together.
Now Felix's people are saying that he wants to choose between you and Tom.
Oh, come on.
Son of a dick! I want all eyes on Tom now.
He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between 'em like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way.
MMF.
The Devil's threesome.
Isn't that Senator Talbot over there? She used to run the SDNY.
She might be able to help us with the Andrew situation.
Yeah.
Gary, go and get her for me right now.
I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée.
- Does she know that? - Thought I was your protégée.
- No, you're Ben's protégée.
- BEN: Not a very good one.
You know something, ma'am? Senator Talbot might not be a terrible choice for a running mate.
An all-female ticket? I don't think so.
(laughs) The American people work hard for a living, OK? They don't need that kind of bullshit! - Ma'am, Senator Talbot.
- Madam President.
Kemi! Oh, my God, my protégée! - Oh! Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I'm Amy - Oh, no, no! You! - How are things on the Hill? - Crazy as ever.
Did Senator Isles try and - grab your ass? - Oh, yeah.
He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.
- GARY: Mmm.
- (laughs) Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now, so For what? For the inappropriate Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause that's bad now.
GARY: Ma'am, Tom James is on the move.
I So good to see you! So good to see you, Madam President.
Just Yeah.
Oh, look at you outside! - Oh, Tom! - Are you all right? Wow, that is so incredible! I did not see you there.
Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck to just bump into me sight unseen.
So, uh, I heard you had a very big night with Felix last night.
You really should have been there.
One thing I've learned in politics, a lot of the best stuff happens afterhours.
Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan? Thank you so much for man-telling me that.
I believe the word you're fumbling for is "mansplaining.
" - Man OK splain - MICHELLE: Senator, we have to go.
Madam President.
Yeah.
I got a picture.
Of what? Of his Amy? His who? His Amy.
- Ma'am, I don't see it.
- Seriously? With this? And the No, ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule.
Presentation on compost at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.
m.
Felix will be there with him.
OK, I'm Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, - but that was really - GARY: O K.
Did you see what she had for breakfast? Yeah.
And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast.
There is no doubt about that.
OK, let's go to compost.
- OK? What is compost? - I don't What I think we'd really like to get at, Congressman, is, what sets you apart from the other candidates? Well, for one thing, uh, I have a lot of new ideas.
Oh.
And what are some of those new ideas? Well, science tells us that it will be difficult but within five years, I want America to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.
(laughs) Up top! - Thank you, Richard.
- I didn't think you'd do that one.
It's pretty good, right? - It's great, thank you.
- JONAH: She's a lesbian.
- No, we get it.
- Right.
- We get the joke.
- OK.
Congressman Ryan, I'd like you to address some rumors that have been circulating online that you made inappropriate advances toward a female staffer on Capitol Hill.
I'm sorry.
Derek, can we have a minute? Just one moment.
(clears throat) Apparently, there's been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done Congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner? - Well, that could be anybody.
- Sounds like you.
Jonah, who have you traumatized? Start with the doctor who delivered you.
- I haven't traumatized anyone.
- There was your aide, Emma Gray.
Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it.
Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi.
Oh, Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.
? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat.
At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.
Yeah.
It was exactly what Jesus would have done.
I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.
OK, listen.
Jonah if anyone asks, tell 'em you've been chemically castrated.
It's very easy to lie about.
Believe me, nobody checks.
OK.
SELINA: Well, that was a waste of time.
- GARY: Here's some Purell.
- I need, like, a tub of this stuff.
- BEN: Where have you been? - DAN: Tom and Felix spent the entire morning French-braiding each other's bald spots.
Somebody's gotta go in there and lure Felix out.
- OK, I can - Dan.
- Dan.
- Yeah, Dan.
Yeah, that feels right.
I hope he's Felix's type.
In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a "wolf" and an "otter," some would call a "frost otter.
" FELIX: It's always Mr.
Wade, I was wondering if I could steal steal you Fly away, please, we're busy.
- BOY TOY 1: Bye, Dan.
- BOY TOY 2: Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century.
Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half.
You may want to start coloring that gray.
Just a thought.
Bye, now.
- What Dan? - I need a minute.
- GARY: Ooh.
- What's wrong with him? (groans) Something's going around or something, - 'cause my stomach is - Amy, please.
We all know, OK? And I would give you one word of advice, which is to try laxatives.
I'll tell you why.
It saves your teeth.
Ma'am I'm pregnant.
(laughing) Can you imagine? I'm pregnant.
- That's not funny.
- Now I'm gonna be sick.
- How did that happen? - One night.
With Dan.
I don't - Dan fucked you? - Mm-hmm.
What, were you wearing a full-length mirror? That's tough, but fair.
God Almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago.
Listen, I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.
- (gagging) - Jesus Christ.
(clapping) Bravo.
- Oh, Felix.
- I can't count the number of times I've wanted to say the same thing.
Do you know that there's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids.
What was she, a possum? Actually Korean, but that's very funny.
Selina, would you care to take a little nature walk with me? Oh, I would care to do that.
Thank you.
(laughs) - No? No.
- Yep.
The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else is that the artists would sign away the publishing rights - for next to nothing! - (both laughing) SELINA: That's an incredible anecdote! You know, Selina, to be honest, I've been telling people for years that you're a bit of a lightweight.
Well, O Yes, I mean, I can be a bit of a A lightweight.
You said it, not me! But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings.
- Yeah, it does.
- In this day and age, - it's very, very refre - Remarkable.
- Refreshing.
- Refreshing was the word I meant.
- Exactly.
- Thank you.
Yes.
You know, we do this little thing here called the Marshmallow Roast Talk.
Do you think you could throw together a few remarks? Because I really want to hear more of what you have to say.
You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say.
I would suspect that I have many guests here that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to say.
That brain of yours is fascinating to me! It scares me sometimes.
TEDDY: Jonah, your accuser is here.
Ms.
White.
Thank you so much for joining us.
The congressman has something prepared and very heartfelt he would like to say to you.
I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate.
All right? God! And you should try smiling more.
We have this non-disclosure agreement for you to sign in exchange Actually, I was hoping Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement.
It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated.
(laughs) I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna sign that.
You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie.
I want the whole world to know we dated.
We had one working lunch, and we split the bill.
I split the bill on all my dates.
Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter? - (laughs) He's such a - Ew! It was strictly professional! There was nothing professional about my behavior! Nothing happened, Mr.
Ryan.
I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, who loves me.
Yeah, normal.
But if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it.
God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! No, Teddy! Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.
We dated and the world's gonna know that.
WOMAN: Madam President, Felix is going to introduce you.
Here's your marshmallow stick.
Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? OK.
(clears throat) - Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.
Just wanted to say congratulations, Selina.
- Oh.
- I did everything I could to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech.
He's not the greatest listener.
Did you offer to blow him? Tut-tut, Selina.
We do not refer to Mr.
Wade's sexual orientation.
- Sorry.
- But yes.
Yes, I did.
Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay.
Probably read it in our books.
(sardonic laughter) I love you.
I love you too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.
- AIDE: Ma'am.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Selina, I mean it.
You're in my head all the time.
You always have been and you always will be.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I love you.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah - Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
- Ma'am.
(guests applauding) Oh, here she is! SELINA: Here.
I can't hold this.
I can't.
Oh, wow.
Um uh, thank you, Felix, for this incredible opportunity.
I don't I don't, uh, think it's controversial for For me to say to you Uh, I mean, ya know, um the movers and shakers who confront the, uh, ya know, um, uh challenges (laughing) uh, that we face, both, ya know, abroad and, um, and, um, um, ya know, at home.
Uh, we argggh! - What is happening here? - I have no idea.
Ya know, leadership, ya know, uh, I mean, is a tricky um - (Selina stuttering) - She's having a textbook aneurysm.
Still looks like a goddess.
and and and and and, uh, th-that's tricky.
- SELINA: Tom? - Yeah? - Can I talk to you just for a second? - Sure.
OK let me have it.
Hey, you don't get to smile about this, OK? What are you, some sort of sociopath? That was the most humiliating experience I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice President - of the United States - I had a heart attack.
- What? - Eight months ago.
Quadruple bypass, the old James ticker.
Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.
(speaks louder) Which I thought you might be interested in.
- Right.
No, I think it is - Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, you're good.
- No problem.
- That was in Iraq, Senator James? - Afghanistan.
In Afghanistan, OK.
Wait a minute, what are you saying? I was lying there with a lot of tubes and wires sticking out of me, and all I could think was all the things I wished I'd said to you and things I wished I'd done, we'd done.
I had a heart attack too.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
I did.
Really.
About a year and a half ago.
We We covered the whole thing up.
We called mine a "routine prostate procedure.
" Well, yeah, men have it so easy.
People assumed I was having a face-lift.
And then when I did have a face-lift, I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops.
When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift.
(laughs softly) (clears throat) So you love me? Maybe there's an alternate universe where we're not in politics, we're just unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs.
Uh-huh.
And you work at a car dealership? Assistant manager.
- Oh! Look at you! - And we argue about how much money we're spending on landscaping, and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach.
And then we blow each other's brain's out.
Yeah.
(sighs) - Now, see, this - (Selina mumbles) more of my bad timing.
Unless somebody drops out of the race.
Let's face it, if you were the kind of woman who'd choose me over the presidency, I wouldn't want you so crazily.
I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral map.
Good night, Selina.
(breathless) Oh, God.
Oh! There you are.
(laughing) You saw the whole thing, didn't ya? I did.
How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb? Ahhhh Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry? I think it's peppermint.
(exhales) You OK, Dan? Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away from fiber supplements and voting in midterms.
- I mean, we all are.
- Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe I gotta cut out all the meaningless sex with girls half my age.
I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive.
But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames.
Ya know? It just doesn't.
It just - It doesn't.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's good to think about the future.
(chuckles) Don't know what I'd do without you.
DAN: The future SELINA: OK, after last night, none of these masturbators of the universe are even looking me in the eye ever since Felix decided to back Tom.
And isn't that Tom over there with your protégée? What? Who? BEN: Ooh, Tom and Kemi would be a formidable ticket.
They could reassure people that look like him that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her.
Goddamnit! - AMY: Take a few deep breaths first.
- Don't tell me how to breathe.
Good morning.
Hey, Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? We've said everything we need to.
Ya know? Like you repeatedly said last night.
Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things? How about we disrupt the election? Scatter.
Yeah, like now.
- Get out.
- Ohh.
- Tell me more, Selina.
- Yeah.
I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.
(laughing) You're You're s Um, good for you.
Um, we, um we don't wait for the convention, Felix.
I name my running mate now.
Even before the Iowa caucus.
No one has ever done that before.
- I love it.
This is exciting.
- You do? I'm excited too.
Was this your idea? Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something.
You gave me the idea.
I'm not shocked about that.
- (glass clinking) - JONAH: Thank you for having me.
A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers.
- (laughter) - And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.
(Beth cackles) Well, you might all know that old chestnut, "Mother knows best"? ALL: Oh I think there's a lot of truth in that.
Jonie, look! They're talking about you on the television! Turn it up! RICHARD: "Lyin' Ryan.
" (laughs) That's gonna stick.
Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated, nor gone on a date of any kind.
That's not true.
We had one meal together, but it was strictly professional and in the presence of others.
It was really more of a group thing.
(snorts) C-Come on.
He once tried to friend me on Facebook, and I did that thing where I never responded "yes" or "no," hoping praying That it would end.
(crying) His behavior was completely appropriate at all times.
Ohh, no! I was all over her! I got super handsy! For too long women have been silent in the face of rumors they went out with Congressman Ryan.
But finally, people are starting to believe women, and I believe Amanda when she says, "Not me.
Not.
Me.
" That's catchy too.
Felix, um, I'd like to introduce you to Senator, uh, Alohak Oluwakemi.
Yes.
Talbot.
Kemi is the future of our party.
An all-female ticket? The first one since Carter-Mondale.
(Selina laughs) I'm not mad at that.
- Kemi, is it? - It is.
Would you care to take a little nature walk with Selina and me? - Absolutely.
- TOM: I love nature.
Mind if I tag along? No, Tom.
That would be awkward.
I've changed my mind again.
Ya know.
(knocking) - Yeah.
- I've been thinking a lot about what you said, so maybe it's time for us to settle down - and raise our baby, and - I'm so sorry.
I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress.
OK? Oh, and get this.
Her name's Meagan.
- Ohhhh - (Dan laughing) Hi.
Yes, I would like to schedule an appointment with one of your OB/GYNs.
Yes, it's for an abortion.
Yes, I'm sure.
Oh, do you also do flu shots? Hey.
Oh! KENT: Congratulations, ma'am.
Mr.
Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him - at tonight's farewell dinner.
- (laughs) Show me some money! - "The.
" - The what? - The money.
"Show me the" - No.
GARY: (laughing) All right! Who wants some prosecco? No one.
Literally no one ever wants prosecco.
- Give me that.
- BEN: Ma'am, you're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.
(laughs) We gotta leak this everywhere, OK? Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket.
Look great on a button.
And Mike works for the internet now, right? - Tell him we got a big scoop.
- BEN: Texting him now.
I saw him earlier at the sundae bar struggling with the sprinkle dispenser.
Ma'am, do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? - Oh, yes.
Good.
- This color's actually quite strong.
- Ma'am.
- What? You are not going to believe it.
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
- Who? - Who? His Deputy Chief of Staff.
- Who is that? - I don't know who that is.
- His Amy! - (gasps) Oh-ho-ho! What?! How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me? What about this? I think it complements Felix's spray tan really well.
He doesn't give a shit.
Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.
Can you Arrghh.
Where is Tom James? Felix Wade is gay? Thank you, ma'am! Jonah, even more women are stepping forward to say they never dated you.
The NotMe hashtag, blowin' up big-time.
It's a goddamn movement.
RICHARD: The good news is, our approval rating in New Hampshire is skyrocketing.
Wait, hold that thought.
It's upside-down.
Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office.
- JONAH: Let's not do that.
- REPORTER: Congressman Ryan! Thousands of women have joined #NotMe to say they've never dated you and never will.
Thousands of unattractive women.
- Mrs.
Ryan, any comment? - I stand behind these brave, unattractive women who have come forward to say, "Not me.
" Once upon a time, back in high school, I too did not date Jonah Ryan.
Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra.
It's important to note they only got to third base.
- Thank you.
- No comment.
TEDDY: Ho ho ho! Check out Buzzfeed.
Looks like we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.
Selina Meyer just outed Felix Wade! Oh.
And there's another hashtag trending.
EWtoN.
No, that's upside-down.
It's still NotMe.
- You should lock your screen, dude.
- Yeah.
Where is Mike?! Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus? Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.
I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet wrote an article that people actually read.
Including Felix.
Who, by the way ma'am, moved you to table 47 along with his driver and his daughter.
SELINA: Oh.
OK, well, I guess I need to go and congratulate him now.
I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, - see how he likes it.
- Ahh.
SELINA: Ahem.
- Hi there, Tom! - Hey.
I heard you had a very busy afternoon working your staff to the bone.
I'd ask what you did this afternoon, but I think I read something about that.
(laughing) Did Mrs.
James send you to chaperone? - Oh, come - Me? Because back in our old Senate days, this one here had a real thing for blond hill rats in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle.
- Oh, boy.
- But that was a long time ago, so You know what I'd love is a spicy mescal margarita with light agave and heavy salt.
What are you looking at him for? Ma'am, I'm the Senator's Deputy Chief of Staff.
Congratulations.
Then you probably won't fuck it up.
(softly) OK.
- (Michelle groans) - Watch where you're goin'! - Sorry, Madam President.
- Uh-huh.
- Light agave.
Yes.
- Yes, Madam President.
God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.
- I'm gonna go find my seat.
- Yeah.
Well, give my regards to Felix and his checkbook.
Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr.
Wade's munificence.
Wha Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me.
Oh, did he? FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot? I like to say she's the future of the party.
I mean, look at her! Fuck me in the Aspen.
She's running for president? I don't know what she is, but it's great.
- It's great.
So exciting.
- KEMI: It is great.
- So exciting.
- So exciting.
The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! She really is your protégée.
I'll see ya on the trail.
RICHARD: It's so nice to be back home in Iowa.
Place is a dump.
New polls from New Hampshire.
Seems you just left yesterday, but your numbers are already way up.
- JONAH: Yeah? - Oh, wait.
Actually - That's right, way up.
- Oh, nice.
Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether.
Couldn't hurt.
There are some more boxes in the car.
- Will you go grab those? - Yeah, I'm happy to.
Oh, remember, lift with your back.
It's your legs.
L-Legs.
No, you lift with your back.
- Oh.
That's incorrect.
- OK, well.
That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis.
I have scoliosis? Oh, yes.
Clearly.
(crowd chanting) - Who's time is it? - CROWD: Our time! - When is our time? - (cheering) SELINA: How is this possibly even working for her?! Protest chants have proved - an effective method - Okay, off! Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs.
Ryan, or do you go by your maiden name, - Mrs.
Ryan? - Oh, either.
Why are you wearing that hat? Ever since I got it, they stopped calling me old guy.
- Now I'm hat guy.
- It's fat guy.
- MAN: Madame President.
- SELINA: Ye Guess your age, guess your weight? Oh.
Um (scoffs) Okay, what was that? I'm not sure.
My candidacy begins right now! - (cheers and applause) - (music plays) MIKE MCLINTOCK: Mike McLintock - SELINA: I know who you are.
- BuzzFeed magazine - Uh-huh.
Okay.
- Print edition.
Okay.
(applause) REPORTER: What would you say to someone who might ask, "How can they marry? They're stepsiblings?" I'm not her brother, and I never was.
Except for that one year.
I'm thinking of having this baby and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father - Okay, goodnight, Dan.
- Goodnight, Amy.
Ma'am, you need to see this.
I believe that our country will always be a shining - beacon of hope.
- Oh, God, he looks good.
(hoedown music playing) SQUARE DANCE CALLER: Now bow to your partner - Bow to your partner.
- Swing your partner Swing your partner.
Ben, I really don't like being told what to do.
Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, and he loves making millionaires square dance.
Bad news, ma'am.
The US Attorney's Office in New York has empaneled a grand jury to investigate the Meyer Fund, and they're looking - What?! Shit! - At Andrew as a target.
- CALLER: Swing the corner - Around the corner.
- Oh Roger.
- Selina, looks like we're swingin' together! I would have invited my wife, but she's a squirter, and that dress doesn't look like it's been Scotch-guarded.
Ever the charmer, Mr.
Party Chairman.
- Roll her away - OK, when do we get - the check from Felix? - End of the weekend.
He's gonna make you official at the final dinner.
Okay.
Well, for that amount of money to my campaign, I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.
CALLER: And give yourself a hand! (crowd applauding) Welcome to my 16th Annual Discovery Weekend.
We're here in Aspen to build bridges to the future.
Bridges made of ideas.
No wonder the rest of the world hates us.
Gayle King is here! - Oh, my God.
- (applause) But you're not here just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions to the problems of tomorrow You wanna square dance! - (hoedown music plays) - I'm done with this.
SELINA: I've waited a long time for this.
I guess Felix Wade always thought I was - BEN: A lightweight? - Goddamnit, I hate that word.
- Why? You're so skinny.
- N Oh.
Yeah.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says.
Oh, come on.
That is idiotic.
- That's what I said.
- Is he really that insecure? Come on, that is idiotic.
He's really that insecure? - Right? Gary gets it.
- FELIX: Madam President.
- Oh, Felix! - I am thrilled that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers.
Well, I'll tell ya a secret, it's the only reason I'm really running for president.
(laughing) Really? I feel like you should have a better reason than that.
Uh Um Well Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? It's been a delight.
I will see you later.
It has been a delight, and you shall see me later.
Thank you very much.
OK.
Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer? The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.
And is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.
Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy.
The man lives in a vast invisible closet.
- Sounds amazing.
- AMY: I'm gonna be sick.
Wow.
It always has to be about her.
- Never fails.
- Every time.
Can you see if they can make me a specialty cocktail? - Of course.
- Thank you.
(Amy retching) (toilet flushing) (Amy whimpers) Gary.
I've been having an upset stomach, 'cause I, uh, I I ate Ohhh! (retching) (toilet flushing) AMY: Hey, do me a favor and don't say anything to anyone (grunts) OK MIKE: There it is.
Hey, is Kim here? No, she got fired for sleeping with you.
Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.
I should probably thank you.
You are lookin' at the new Deputy Senior Editor.
They're puttin' me up, and all I gotta do is sit on some panel for new media innovators.
What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.
com? Oh, no.
I got hacked.
It's Mike53729.
Still @aol though, right? - Until I die.
- Right.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, ma'am.
Guess what? - Amy's bulimic.
- What?! - Well, it's about time.
- Yeah! And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider a little more purging, a little less bingeing.
God, that girl can't do anything right.
- AMY: Ma'am, I am so sorry - KENT: Amy, you got some vomit on your mustache.
SELINA: What the Rocky Mountain fuck?! Ben! I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing.
- So I was told.
- So why don't you go find out? AMY: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am.
Uh Tom! Look what the Gulfstream dragged in.
Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.
4:30.
Kent, can you remind me real quick, how many points am I beating Tom by? Des Moines Register says 18 points.
Ooh, 18 points! Oh, my goodness! That makes me moister than an oyster.
- Plus or minus four points.
- OK, still pretty moist.
Although a lot of Iowans no longer have landlines.
- It's fine.
- Senator James, we need to keep moving.
Ma'am.
Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass? That is my Deputy Chief of Staff, Michelle York.
She's basically my Amy.
- Well, my Amy has bulimia.
- Yeah.
- No one likes a braggart, Selina.
- Tom, what are you doing here? Just an old friend of Felix's, and I guess he thought I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen.
- Uh-huh.
- Make some new friends.
- Good morning, jerk-offs.
- ALL: Morning, ma'am.
Ma'am, apparently last night Tom and Felix ended up closing down the Casamigos Tequila Ideas Bar together.
Now Felix's people are saying that he wants to choose between you and Tom.
Oh, come on.
Son of a dick! I want all eyes on Tom now.
He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between 'em like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way.
MMF.
The Devil's threesome.
Isn't that Senator Talbot over there? She used to run the SDNY.
She might be able to help us with the Andrew situation.
Yeah.
Gary, go and get her for me right now.
I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée.
- Does she know that? - Thought I was your protégée.
- No, you're Ben's protégée.
- BEN: Not a very good one.
You know something, ma'am? Senator Talbot might not be a terrible choice for a running mate.
An all-female ticket? I don't think so.
(laughs) The American people work hard for a living, OK? They don't need that kind of bullshit! - Ma'am, Senator Talbot.
- Madam President.
Kemi! Oh, my God, my protégée! - Oh! Very nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.
- I'm Amy - Oh, no, no! You! - How are things on the Hill? - Crazy as ever.
Did Senator Isles try and - grab your ass? - Oh, yeah.
He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.
- GARY: Mmm.
- (laughs) Actually, Senator Isles is under investigation right now, so For what? For the inappropriate Oh, yeah, right.
'Cause that's bad now.
GARY: Ma'am, Tom James is on the move.
I So good to see you! So good to see you, Madam President.
Just Yeah.
Oh, look at you outside! - Oh, Tom! - Are you all right? Wow, that is so incredible! I did not see you there.
Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck to just bump into me sight unseen.
So, uh, I heard you had a very big night with Felix last night.
You really should have been there.
One thing I've learned in politics, a lot of the best stuff happens afterhours.
Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan? Thank you so much for man-telling me that.
I believe the word you're fumbling for is "mansplaining.
" - Man OK splain - MICHELLE: Senator, we have to go.
Madam President.
Yeah.
I got a picture.
Of what? Of his Amy? His who? His Amy.
- Ma'am, I don't see it.
- Seriously? With this? And the No, ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule.
Presentation on compost at the Treehouse Theater, 9:00 a.
m.
Felix will be there with him.
OK, I'm Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, - but that was really - GARY: O K.
Did you see what she had for breakfast? Yeah.
And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast.
There is no doubt about that.
OK, let's go to compost.
- OK? What is compost? - I don't What I think we'd really like to get at, Congressman, is, what sets you apart from the other candidates? Well, for one thing, uh, I have a lot of new ideas.
Oh.
And what are some of those new ideas? Well, science tells us that it will be difficult but within five years, I want America to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.
(laughs) Up top! - Thank you, Richard.
- I didn't think you'd do that one.
It's pretty good, right? - It's great, thank you.
- JONAH: She's a lesbian.
- No, we get it.
- Right.
- We get the joke.
- OK.
Congressman Ryan, I'd like you to address some rumors that have been circulating online that you made inappropriate advances toward a female staffer on Capitol Hill.
I'm sorry.
Derek, can we have a minute? Just one moment.
(clears throat) Apparently, there's been an anonymous posting about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, one-and-done Congresstard" who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner? - Well, that could be anybody.
- Sounds like you.
Jonah, who have you traumatized? Start with the doctor who delivered you.
- I haven't traumatized anyone.
- There was your aide, Emma Gray.
Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it.
Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi.
Oh, Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.
? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat.
At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.
Yeah.
It was exactly what Jesus would have done.
I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.
OK, listen.
Jonah if anyone asks, tell 'em you've been chemically castrated.
It's very easy to lie about.
Believe me, nobody checks.
OK.
SELINA: Well, that was a waste of time.
- GARY: Here's some Purell.
- I need, like, a tub of this stuff.
- BEN: Where have you been? - DAN: Tom and Felix spent the entire morning French-braiding each other's bald spots.
Somebody's gotta go in there and lure Felix out.
- OK, I can - Dan.
- Dan.
- Yeah, Dan.
Yeah, that feels right.
I hope he's Felix's type.
In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a "wolf" and an "otter," some would call a "frost otter.
" FELIX: It's always Mr.
Wade, I was wondering if I could steal steal you Fly away, please, we're busy.
- BOY TOY 1: Bye, Dan.
- BOY TOY 2: Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century.
Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half.
You may want to start coloring that gray.
Just a thought.
Bye, now.
- What Dan? - I need a minute.
- GARY: Ooh.
- What's wrong with him? (groans) Something's going around or something, - 'cause my stomach is - Amy, please.
We all know, OK? And I would give you one word of advice, which is to try laxatives.
I'll tell you why.
It saves your teeth.
Ma'am I'm pregnant.
(laughing) Can you imagine? I'm pregnant.
- That's not funny.
- Now I'm gonna be sick.
- How did that happen? - One night.
With Dan.
I don't - Dan fucked you? - Mm-hmm.
What, were you wearing a full-length mirror? That's tough, but fair.
God Almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago.
Listen, I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.
- (gagging) - Jesus Christ.
(clapping) Bravo.
- Oh, Felix.
- I can't count the number of times I've wanted to say the same thing.
Do you know that there's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids.
What was she, a possum? Actually Korean, but that's very funny.
Selina, would you care to take a little nature walk with me? Oh, I would care to do that.
Thank you.
(laughs) - No? No.
- Yep.
The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else is that the artists would sign away the publishing rights - for next to nothing! - (both laughing) SELINA: That's an incredible anecdote! You know, Selina, to be honest, I've been telling people for years that you're a bit of a lightweight.
Well, O Yes, I mean, I can be a bit of a A lightweight.
You said it, not me! But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings.
- Yeah, it does.
- In this day and age, - it's very, very refre - Remarkable.
- Refreshing.
- Refreshing was the word I meant.
- Exactly.
- Thank you.
Yes.
You know, we do this little thing here called the Marshmallow Roast Talk.
Do you think you could throw together a few remarks? Because I really want to hear more of what you have to say.
You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say.
I would suspect that I have many guests here that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to say.
That brain of yours is fascinating to me! It scares me sometimes.
TEDDY: Jonah, your accuser is here.
Ms.
White.
Thank you so much for joining us.
The congressman has something prepared and very heartfelt he would like to say to you.
I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate.
All right? God! And you should try smiling more.
We have this non-disclosure agreement for you to sign in exchange Actually, I was hoping Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement.
It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated.
(laughs) I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna sign that.
You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie.
I want the whole world to know we dated.
We had one working lunch, and we split the bill.
I split the bill on all my dates.
Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter? - (laughs) He's such a - Ew! It was strictly professional! There was nothing professional about my behavior! Nothing happened, Mr.
Ryan.
I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, who loves me.
Yeah, normal.
But if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it.
God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! No, Teddy! Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.
We dated and the world's gonna know that.
WOMAN: Madam President, Felix is going to introduce you.
Here's your marshmallow stick.
Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? OK.
(clears throat) - Knock, knock.
- Oh, shit.
Just wanted to say congratulations, Selina.
- Oh.
- I did everything I could to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech.
He's not the greatest listener.
Did you offer to blow him? Tut-tut, Selina.
We do not refer to Mr.
Wade's sexual orientation.
- Sorry.
- But yes.
Yes, I did.
Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay.
Probably read it in our books.
(sardonic laughter) I love you.
I love you too, Tom.
Go fuck yourself.
- AIDE: Ma'am.
- Oh, yes.
Yeah.
Selina, I mean it.
You're in my head all the time.
You always have been and you always will be.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I love you.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah - Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm.
- Ma'am.
(guests applauding) Oh, here she is! SELINA: Here.
I can't hold this.
I can't.
Oh, wow.
Um uh, thank you, Felix, for this incredible opportunity.
I don't I don't, uh, think it's controversial for For me to say to you Uh, I mean, ya know, um the movers and shakers who confront the, uh, ya know, um, uh challenges (laughing) uh, that we face, both, ya know, abroad and, um, and, um, um, ya know, at home.
Uh, we argggh! - What is happening here? - I have no idea.
Ya know, leadership, ya know, uh, I mean, is a tricky um - (Selina stuttering) - She's having a textbook aneurysm.
Still looks like a goddess.
and and and and and, uh, th-that's tricky.
- SELINA: Tom? - Yeah? - Can I talk to you just for a second? - Sure.
OK let me have it.
Hey, you don't get to smile about this, OK? What are you, some sort of sociopath? That was the most humiliating experience I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice President - of the United States - I had a heart attack.
- What? - Eight months ago.
Quadruple bypass, the old James ticker.
Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.
(speaks louder) Which I thought you might be interested in.
- Right.
No, I think it is - Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, you're good.
- No problem.
- That was in Iraq, Senator James? - Afghanistan.
In Afghanistan, OK.
Wait a minute, what are you saying? I was lying there with a lot of tubes and wires sticking out of me, and all I could think was all the things I wished I'd said to you and things I wished I'd done, we'd done.
I had a heart attack too.
- What? - Mm-hmm.
I did.
Really.
About a year and a half ago.
We We covered the whole thing up.
We called mine a "routine prostate procedure.
" Well, yeah, men have it so easy.
People assumed I was having a face-lift.
And then when I did have a face-lift, I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops.
When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift.
(laughs softly) (clears throat) So you love me? Maybe there's an alternate universe where we're not in politics, we're just unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs.
Uh-huh.
And you work at a car dealership? Assistant manager.
- Oh! Look at you! - And we argue about how much money we're spending on landscaping, and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach.
And then we blow each other's brain's out.
Yeah.
(sighs) - Now, see, this - (Selina mumbles) more of my bad timing.
Unless somebody drops out of the race.
Let's face it, if you were the kind of woman who'd choose me over the presidency, I wouldn't want you so crazily.
I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral map.
Good night, Selina.
(breathless) Oh, God.
Oh! There you are.
(laughing) You saw the whole thing, didn't ya? I did.
How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb? Ahhhh Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry? I think it's peppermint.
(exhales) You OK, Dan? Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away from fiber supplements and voting in midterms.
- I mean, we all are.
- Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around.
Maybe that's it.
Maybe I gotta cut out all the meaningless sex with girls half my age.
I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive.
But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames.
Ya know? It just doesn't.
It just - It doesn't.
- Yeah.
Sometimes it's good to think about the future.
(chuckles) Don't know what I'd do without you.
DAN: The future SELINA: OK, after last night, none of these masturbators of the universe are even looking me in the eye ever since Felix decided to back Tom.
And isn't that Tom over there with your protégée? What? Who? BEN: Ooh, Tom and Kemi would be a formidable ticket.
They could reassure people that look like him that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her.
Goddamnit! - AMY: Take a few deep breaths first.
- Don't tell me how to breathe.
Good morning.
Hey, Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? We've said everything we need to.
Ya know? Like you repeatedly said last night.
Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things? How about we disrupt the election? Scatter.
Yeah, like now.
- Get out.
- Ohh.
- Tell me more, Selina.
- Yeah.
I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.
(laughing) You're You're s Um, good for you.
Um, we, um we don't wait for the convention, Felix.
I name my running mate now.
Even before the Iowa caucus.
No one has ever done that before.
- I love it.
This is exciting.
- You do? I'm excited too.
Was this your idea? Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something.
You gave me the idea.
I'm not shocked about that.
- (glass clinking) - JONAH: Thank you for having me.
A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers.
- (laughter) - And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.
(Beth cackles) Well, you might all know that old chestnut, "Mother knows best"? ALL: Oh I think there's a lot of truth in that.
Jonie, look! They're talking about you on the television! Turn it up! RICHARD: "Lyin' Ryan.
" (laughs) That's gonna stick.
Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated, nor gone on a date of any kind.
That's not true.
We had one meal together, but it was strictly professional and in the presence of others.
It was really more of a group thing.
(snorts) C-Come on.
He once tried to friend me on Facebook, and I did that thing where I never responded "yes" or "no," hoping praying That it would end.
(crying) His behavior was completely appropriate at all times.
Ohh, no! I was all over her! I got super handsy! For too long women have been silent in the face of rumors they went out with Congressman Ryan.
But finally, people are starting to believe women, and I believe Amanda when she says, "Not me.
Not.
Me.
" That's catchy too.
Felix, um, I'd like to introduce you to Senator, uh, Alohak Oluwakemi.
Yes.
Talbot.
Kemi is the future of our party.
An all-female ticket? The first one since Carter-Mondale.
(Selina laughs) I'm not mad at that.
- Kemi, is it? - It is.
Would you care to take a little nature walk with Selina and me? - Absolutely.
- TOM: I love nature.
Mind if I tag along? No, Tom.
That would be awkward.
I've changed my mind again.
Ya know.
(knocking) - Yeah.
- I've been thinking a lot about what you said, so maybe it's time for us to settle down - and raise our baby, and - I'm so sorry.
I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress.
OK? Oh, and get this.
Her name's Meagan.
- Ohhhh - (Dan laughing) Hi.
Yes, I would like to schedule an appointment with one of your OB/GYNs.
Yes, it's for an abortion.
Yes, I'm sure.
Oh, do you also do flu shots? Hey.
Oh! KENT: Congratulations, ma'am.
Mr.
Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him - at tonight's farewell dinner.
- (laughs) Show me some money! - "The.
" - The what? - The money.
"Show me the" - No.
GARY: (laughing) All right! Who wants some prosecco? No one.
Literally no one ever wants prosecco.
- Give me that.
- BEN: Ma'am, you're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.
(laughs) We gotta leak this everywhere, OK? Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket.
Look great on a button.
And Mike works for the internet now, right? - Tell him we got a big scoop.
- BEN: Texting him now.
I saw him earlier at the sundae bar struggling with the sprinkle dispenser.
Ma'am, do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? - Oh, yes.
Good.
- This color's actually quite strong.
- Ma'am.
- What? You are not going to believe it.
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
- Who? - Who? His Deputy Chief of Staff.
- Who is that? - I don't know who that is.
- His Amy! - (gasps) Oh-ho-ho! What?! How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me? What about this? I think it complements Felix's spray tan really well.
He doesn't give a shit.
Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.
Can you Arrghh.
Where is Tom James? Felix Wade is gay? Thank you, ma'am! Jonah, even more women are stepping forward to say they never dated you.
The NotMe hashtag, blowin' up big-time.
It's a goddamn movement.
RICHARD: The good news is, our approval rating in New Hampshire is skyrocketing.
Wait, hold that thought.
It's upside-down.
Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office.
- JONAH: Let's not do that.
- REPORTER: Congressman Ryan! Thousands of women have joined #NotMe to say they've never dated you and never will.
Thousands of unattractive women.
- Mrs.
Ryan, any comment? - I stand behind these brave, unattractive women who have come forward to say, "Not me.
" Once upon a time, back in high school, I too did not date Jonah Ryan.
Although I did go out with his super handsome cousin Ezra.
It's important to note they only got to third base.
- Thank you.
- No comment.
TEDDY: Ho ho ho! Check out Buzzfeed.
Looks like we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.
Selina Meyer just outed Felix Wade! Oh.
And there's another hashtag trending.
EWtoN.
No, that's upside-down.
It's still NotMe.
- You should lock your screen, dude.
- Yeah.
Where is Mike?! Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus? Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.
I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet wrote an article that people actually read.
Including Felix.
Who, by the way ma'am, moved you to table 47 along with his driver and his daughter.
SELINA: Oh.
OK, well, I guess I need to go and congratulate him now.
I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, - see how he likes it.
- Ahh.
SELINA: Ahem.
- Hi there, Tom! - Hey.
I heard you had a very busy afternoon working your staff to the bone.
I'd ask what you did this afternoon, but I think I read something about that.
(laughing) Did Mrs.
James send you to chaperone? - Oh, come - Me? Because back in our old Senate days, this one here had a real thing for blond hill rats in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle.
- Oh, boy.
- But that was a long time ago, so You know what I'd love is a spicy mescal margarita with light agave and heavy salt.
What are you looking at him for? Ma'am, I'm the Senator's Deputy Chief of Staff.
Congratulations.
Then you probably won't fuck it up.
(softly) OK.
- (Michelle groans) - Watch where you're goin'! - Sorry, Madam President.
- Uh-huh.
- Light agave.
Yes.
- Yes, Madam President.
God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.
- I'm gonna go find my seat.
- Yeah.
Well, give my regards to Felix and his checkbook.
Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr.
Wade's munificence.
Wha Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me.
Oh, did he? FELIX: Have you met Senator Talbot? I like to say she's the future of the party.
I mean, look at her! Fuck me in the Aspen.
She's running for president? I don't know what she is, but it's great.
- It's great.
So exciting.
- KEMI: It is great.
- So exciting.
- So exciting.
The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! She really is your protégée.
I'll see ya on the trail.
RICHARD: It's so nice to be back home in Iowa.
Place is a dump.
New polls from New Hampshire.
Seems you just left yesterday, but your numbers are already way up.
- JONAH: Yeah? - Oh, wait.
Actually - That's right, way up.
- Oh, nice.
Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether.
Couldn't hurt.
There are some more boxes in the car.
- Will you go grab those? - Yeah, I'm happy to.
Oh, remember, lift with your back.
It's your legs.
L-Legs.
No, you lift with your back.
- Oh.
That's incorrect.
- OK, well.
That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis.
I have scoliosis? Oh, yes.
Clearly.
(crowd chanting) - Who's time is it? - CROWD: Our time! - When is our time? - (cheering) SELINA: How is this possibly even working for her?! Protest chants have proved - an effective method - Okay, off! Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs.
Ryan, or do you go by your maiden name, - Mrs.
Ryan? - Oh, either.
Why are you wearing that hat? Ever since I got it, they stopped calling me old guy.
- Now I'm hat guy.
- It's fat guy.
- MAN: Madame President.
- SELINA: Ye Guess your age, guess your weight? Oh.
Um (scoffs) Okay, what was that? I'm not sure.